Original subtitles

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

Single file!

Excellence through discipline!

Today's lunch is tuna salad hot dogs!

Oh, man! Tuna dogs?

This is gonna be a good day. Whoo!

And it just got better.

♪ Only need love when you let me go ♪

That's my queen, Rhe to the Rhe.

♪ And this type of love is sweet and sour ♪

She's handing out invites to the bangin' party

her and her big sister are havin' this Saturday.

There are gonna be teenage girls there, Kev!

You hear me? Teenage girls!

I gotta get an invite, or at least make the waitlist.

Her party got a waitlist?

Hell yeah!

If five or six people get food poisoning, we're in!

Uh, let others pray for the explosive diarrhea

to take out their enemies.

Not Kev.

See, I know Rhe Rhe's gonna invite me.

She's saving the best for last.

So back up. Thank you.

Excuse me, please.

I need room to be smooth.

Hello, Kevin.

Oh, what up, Rhe Rhe?

You know, I'm really glad I ran into you.

Well, that makes two of us.

Kevin, would you...

Oh, you know I would.

Give this invitation to your brother?

My sister Jackie wants him to come to our party real bad.

Oh, yeah.

Robert's the bomb, right? He's a great guy.

I'm not hating on him.

But, uh,

well, are you sure there isn't an invitation

in that Trapper Keeper for Kev?

Oh, I'm sure.

It's a small Trapper Keeper.

It's all empty now.

See?

OK, OK.

But look, you can't have a party

without my famous new jack swing,

slow jam, body roll mixtape in mint condition.

It's got all my favorites.

I'm talking Babyface, En Vogue, Rude Boys, Boys II Men,

Kevin.

New Edition, oldies but goodies--

- Kevin! - Lisa Fischer.

OK, Kevin!

You can come

if you bring your slow jam tape.

Oh, yeah. It will be brung.

Good. I'll see you then.

Oh, I will be seen.

By you.

OK, Kev, all you gotta do is make the best slow jam mixtape

in the history of slow jam mixtapes by Saturday night.

♪ Tell me ♪

♪ When will I see you smile again? ♪

♪ 'Cause I know I messed up, baby, oh ♪

♪ And I know you're fed up, ooh, sugar ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Tell me ♪

♪ When will I see you smile again? ♪

♪ 'Cause I know I messed up, baby ♪

Just as I thought.

I am fine as hell.

Richard, you got any plans tonight?

No, sis. Just a quiet Saturday.

Me, some Tastykakes,

and conking out to America's greatest dad,

Cosby.

Rizzum, razzum, dizzum, dazzum daw.

Something about that man just puts me right to sleep.

Well, you have a relaxing time.

I'm going out with Marisol to go to--

Robert, will you stop messing with my clothes, please?

Will you stop being a little punk?

There may be a murder.

Damn it, get your hands off my balls.

Stop touching my balls! Get your hands off my balls!

What kind of hot mess are you wearing, anyway?

This is a party, not the prom.

Well, Mom thinks I look nice.

If you embarrass me,

I will body roll your tiny Michael Jackson

"Smooth Criminal"-looking ass out a window!

Damn it, man.

Mm, mm, mm. - Ow!

Calm your behinds down with all that roughhousing in here!

Marisol's here.

Finally, a night away from all your nonsense.

Kevin, baby, be careful walking to Rhe Rhe's house.

Hold Robert's hand all the way.

- Oh, Mom. Come on, no. - Oh, Mom. Come on, Mom.

I can walk on my own, Mom.

OK? Rhe Rhe's house is just at the end of the block.

The world is dangerous!

I saw a news story about a boy who was killed in his bathtub

when a piece of Skylab fell on his head.

Ma, I'm not holding Kev's hand.

The ladies gonna think we gay.

They'll think you're brothers.

Yeah, gay brothers.

If y'all was gay,

my gaydar would have alerted me to that mess a long time ago.

I knew Elton John had a broken wrist

way before anybody else knew.

Did you know that song "Tiny Dancer"

was a metaphor for loving tiny dicks?

Girl, it's happening!

We're gonna have so much fun tonight.

Philadelphia, look out!

Two hot ladies are about to get their poetry on!

Poetry? Now, you know that's gay as hell, right?

Actually, it's not called poetry anymore.

It's espoken word.

I'm reading my first-ever piece tonight.

Oh, I'm a poet, too.

Uh, Rhe Rhe, I want you to be, be

with me, me.

You smell like pee-pee.

You are brothers!

Love each other,

or I kill you!

both: Ow!

Remember tonight,

no drugs, no drinks, no freak dancing.

I will give you a full-body cavity search if I have to.

Now, give Mama a kiss.

both: Mwah.

God!

You best not tag behind me tonight.

And you best shut the hell up!

Cosby's about to tell Theo how to be a good person.

Now, who in the hell is breaking into my TV time?

Uh, hey, little boy.

That's my son, whose name I totally remember.

Vroom! Vroom!

Vroom-vroom!

And little girl.

And both baby mamas.

What a totally unplanned coincidence.

This is no coincidence.

We are tired of taking care of your children all by ourselves.

Tonight, we got plans to go see Bobby Brown.

You need to watch them.

Much as I...

Would love to be with my kids, I--I can't.

Um, I have post-prison outreach that I have to do.

Uh, I'm a--I'm a counselor. Yeah.

Counselor?

Nut-ass nigga, you need counseling!

You watch your kids.

According to Maury Povich, you are the father.

Ha, ha! Get it, get it.

They're right. I amtheir father.

I need you to watch your cousins.

No! No, Unc.

I gotta go to the party of the year tonight.

You gotta let Robert watch the kids.

I mean, he's 16. I'm 12!

Sorry, little shit. I'm out and you lose.

Damn!

Unc, no, please, please, ask me to do anything but this.

Sorry, little man. Got shit to do.

Say it with your chest!

Damn!

Ooh, let's play "Boyz n the Hood."

I get to be Doughboy.

You're always Doughboy.

I wanna kill a nigga to avenge my brother's death, too.

This is crap.

It's meant for me to go to that party.

And get my freak on and then fall in love with my soulmate.

You're getting in the way of true love.

Break yourself, fool!

He got you, Kev!

You dead!

I might as well be dead.

Coals on the grill.

Lighter fluid I spill.

You are my thrill.

Side of pickles.

How about dill?

Peace in the Middle East.

Is it just me, or is this poem making you hungry?

Girl, I can't do jokes right now.

I'm too nervous about my piece.

Oh, you'll be great. You got this, girl.

You know, you are a good friend.

Hell, you are my inspiration.

All right.

Coming to the stage to speak her truth,

give your love for Marisol Resendez.

Yeah! Whoo!

You go, girl! You go!

Oops, I--I mean--

Whoo. You go, girl.

Who I am not.

I am woman, and I control my life.

I own my future and embrace the strife.

I will never be a wife

or hovering mother with two kids to smother

and a freeloading ex-con brother.

I will never be a sad single mom, ER nurse

cursed with the worst kind of got-no-life thirst.

Where the fuck you put the goddamn crêpe pan, bitch?

In the fucking box labeled kitchen stuff, bitch,

parentheses miscellaneous, bitch.

Yo, yo, yo. Cell block A represent!

I know that's not motherfucking Richard!

In the chest.

The fuck you doing here?

I'm here to help you guys move in like you asked me.

You said you was too busy to come help.

No, you're like family.

Yeah, like motherfucking family.

Man, I'm so happy you guys

are rooming together on the outside.

You all were always best of buddies in the joint.

We couldn't pry you apart.

Always finishing each other's showers.

Just the two inseparable,

straight pussy hounds I've always known and loved.

Nothing gets by you, Einstein.

Move out the way!

Out the way unless you wanna get shot up!

I need to calm these kids down.

Move! Move it, baby! Move it!

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

That's some baby shit.

So you're too old for kid songs?

I'm this many.

That means I'm six and fuck you!

OK, now, hold on.

Do your mamas let y'all talk like this?

Only when quoting a movie, a song,

or disgraced mayor Marion Barry.

The bitch set me up!

How does it feel to be paroled, fellas?

Fucking good, my man!

We are so glad to finally be out of that hellhole.

Yeah, yeah, y'all--

y'all--y'all living large and in charge.

You fucking-A right.

Now, help me move the toilet into the bedroom.

No way will my world be so small

that my kids are my all

and I clutch them with such ferocity,

impossibly sad to mourn a life I never, ever had.

OK, calm down, Nancy. This probably isn't about you.

Never do I pause to ponder the cost of marrying a druggie

with flaws and no draws.

That is who I am not!

Thank you.

So did you like it?

Say hello to my little friend!

Lord, take me, please.

Mom, you gotta come home. I'm stuck with these kids.

Kev! What in the hell are you talking about?

Gerald?

Go, Robert! Go, Robert!

Kev, this party is the jawn.

The dude watching the door got bit by Chin Check's pit bull,

so now anybody can come in!

For real?

Everybody's here.

Ooh, I gotta go.

We about to play...

♪ Hide-and-go-get-it ♪

♪ And I'm about to try and go get it ♪

Did Rhe Rhe ask about me?

Give me that!

God!

I gotta get to that party.

Hello, Smitty's?

Is Henry Hart there? This is an emergency.

Young man, Henry is indisposed at the moment.

You owe me $5.

Pay up or I'm gonna run your ass over.

Not if your emphysema gets you first!

Enough of this nonsense.

How would you two like to go to a party?

♪ You know what it is ♪

♪ Point 'em out ♪

♪ If you see a real player, point 'em out ♪

♪ Point 'em out ♪

♪ We'll see 'em right there ♪

♪ Point 'em out, if you see a snitch ♪

♪ Then point 'em out, point 'em out ♪

♪ We'll see 'em right there, point 'em out ♪

♪ If you see a hater, then point 'em out ♪

♪ Yeah, point 'em out ♪

♪ Yeah, I see 'em right there ♪

♪ Point it out ♪

♪ If you see a bad [...], point 'em out ♪

♪ Yeah, point 'em out ♪

♪ We'll see you right there ♪

♪ We see you, you can't hide ♪

Oh, yes.

There are three suspicious-looking adults.

Oh, please hurry!

They're Black!

Well, shit.

Look at the time.

9 o'motherfucking clock.

That's lights out around this bitch.

Yeah, sure.

I'll just go home

and--oh, look!

Our old prison yearbook!

Look at us.

Young, dumb, and full of come.

Now, remember, tonight, you two are teens.

So just be cool, OK?

We're gonna chill on the cool tip.

We cool.

Yo, excuse me.

Oh, yeah! - Uh, uh, uh, uh, ah!

- Whoo! Here we go! - Ooh, uh.

Don't follow me around.

And if anybody asks, I don't know you.

Yeah, no, it's nice to see you, too, bro.

Little Kev is in the house.

Did you like the way I rhymed smother

with ex-con brother?

It was all--all right.

I tried to capture the spirit of a sad woman

trapped in her life who takes out her failure on her kids.

Oh, you captured it.

And that brings our open mic portion to an end.

Please remember to tip your waiter.

I got some spoken words I wanna speak.

Like I said, lady, we're all done--

False friends with ugly rhymes,

our times are at an end.

You pretend to care,

but you fake as the highlights in your hair.

I ride my kids, that's true.

But at least I got people who love me, unlike you, boo!

Now, what the hell were you saying about me?

Just speaking my truth.

Is that right?

Haughty, non-sporty queen,

bitch hogging the break room refrigerator machine.

Marisol, more like Barbasol,

'cause if you ever trim the hair on your lip,

you're gonna need a U-Haul.

- I'd like to report a murder. - Yeah!

Mm! Mm! Oh, yeah.

All right. This is my moment.

Hey, Kevin, uh, can I ask you something?

Oh, yeah. No, yeah. Sure, girl.

What you wanna know?

Do you think...

this is a daycare?

Why did you roll up in here with two little kids?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Who you talking about, them?

I ain't never seen them two weird adults in my life.

Yo, Cousin Kev, can you open this 40 for me?

You know how I have trouble with the bottle tops.

OK, well, can you just let us stay, please?

Look, I just didn't wanna miss your party.

The little ones can stay.

But, Kev, yo' dumb ass gots to go.

But, Rhe Rhe, I made that bangin' slow jam tape for you.

Well, it better be smooth.

What do you mean? It's the smoothest.

It's smoother than Babyface's, uh, face.

Uh, listen.

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

No, no, no!

I love this song!

♪ Round and round ♪

He brought these kids to the party

so he wouldn't be the shortest one here.

Hey, that's my little brother Kevin you laughing at.

I didn't tell you to stop.

Just wanted to let you know what his name is.

Where were we?

all: Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

Joke's on them. I didn't stab a guard.

But you did stab the librarian.

Yeah, that was a good Thanksgiving.

Richard, thank you for all the help.

Our closet has never been so put together.

But it's time for you to kick rocks.

Plus, we're all out of wine.

We can't make our own until we get the toilet hooked up.

That ain't never stopped us before.

I say we do like the old days.

We go hit up a liquor store

and come out with some drink and some cash.

Richard, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You wanna go back to jail?

No, no.

Well, maybe.

Don't you?

I know it look like I got it all together,

but it's a struggle, fellas.

It's OK, Richie.

It's not easy getting used to living on the outside

after being locked the fuck up for so long.

The world has fucking changed.

Nobody's waiting for you to give a fuck about them

or for you to give a fuck about.

Well, I do have my sister.

And her two kids and my two kids.

both: You got what?

This was my big chance to be with my future wife.

I made a killer slow jam tape,

I made a cool vest from my sixth grade graduation blazer.

And for what? For you kids to just ruin it?

So I bet you're gonna leave us now.

What do you mean, leave you? I'm not gonna do that.

Why would you say something like that?

It's OK. We used to it.

That's what our moms do. And Daddy.

They all just leave us with somebody else.

They don't really think about us.

Oh, come on.

Now, that's not true.

Our daddy doesn't even know our names.

We'll be fine.

Leave us with somebody else and go to your party.

Everybody else does.

You know what? Forget that.

Emergency party. Go crazy.

But wait, wait. Don't--not too crazy.

Oh, so cute.

Turn your pockets out so I can see if you stole anything!

Oh, man.

I'm not doing great.

I mean, sure, I'm the ultimate badass

and I say it with my chest,

but my chest is saying something to me.

I'm afraid of messing up my two kids,

have 'em turn out like me.

I avoid 'em.

I just want to be absent so they can be successful,

like a--

like a Malcolm X or a James Brown.

Oh, you could be a great fucking father.

Like Joe fucking Jackson.

Now, that was a fucking father.

If he didn't beat Michael, there would be no "Beat It."

Take a look at this yearbook.

Remember your bitch ass got voted most loyal?

And why did we vote you that?

'Cause I stuffed that snitch in that cement mixer?

Fuck yeah, you did.

But now you gotta put your fears in that mixer.

And when you turn that machine on,

all the love you have for your kids

will come running out the bottom.

How could you do that to me?

Attack me in front of a room full of hipsters?

You dragged me here and made me buy some funky-ass coffee

just so you could read a diss poem about me.

You?

You thought that poem was about you?

"Got no life, world so small, kids are my all."

Who else could that be about?

Mymother.

Yourmother?

Yeah.

Never letting me do nothing, always riding my ass,

treat me like a baby.

Oh, my God.

I--I am so sorry.

I thought-- - It was about you?

But that's not how you are with your boys, is it?

Uh...

maybe?

A little bit.

Ay, girl.

I would never rip you a new asshole.

In public.

Now, that was for my mother,

and it feels good to get that trauma out.

I bet.

How does your mother feel about your poems?

How should I know?

I haven't seen that bitch in years.

I tore out of her house the minute I turned 18.

Pop it, lock it, shake it! Don't break it!

Oh, go, Jamarcus!

Oh, go, Jamarcus!

That's my brother right there!

both: Daddy!

Hey, Jamarcus. Hey, Lauryn.

You doknow our names!

Of course I do.

Kev, thanks so much for stepping up

and taking care of little boy.

Uh, I mean Jamarcus and Lauryn.

You get out of here and go hit that party.

Nah.

I'm having more fun with my little cousins.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Go be with people your own age, little bitch!

Yeah, there are some honeys at that spot!

And they got more ass than Mobil got gas.

But they all laughed at me.

Man, fuck them kids!

You're Lil Kev! And you're the shit!

Now, go back to Rhe Rhe's and say it with your chest!

That's my girl.

I'm Audi 5,000!

Lil Kev is coming with the jams.

Oh! - Kevin?

Hey--hey, Mom.

Uh, I was just checking the parking meters.

Checking to see if they were still here.

And then, I was going right back inside

and I was going to bed

because it's very late and the world is dangerous.

You go to that party. It's fine.

Really?

You know it's 100 feet down the block, right?

I know.

Go on. Have fun.

OK, thanks!

I choose not to question this, Mom!

Our little boy is growing up.

Get your stinkin' hands off of me!

Whoa!