Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be keyed up ♪

♪ The kind of show that make you cowards get beat up ♪

♪ We on the outs until we called to go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on, burglars and murderers ♪

♪ And all kind of fiends ♪

♪ Bogeymen in real life, it ain't nothing clean ♪

♪ Babies traumatized, and their daddy drunk ♪

♪ It don't matter, can't be no punk ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

♪ Yeah, Lil Kev ♪

♪ You don't wanna be out here with us ♪

♪ It's bad, boy ♪

♪ Don't turn that corner ♪

♪ Let the streetlights hit you ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

Oh, shit!

- Shit! - One time!

Man, you gotta love the hustle and bustle

of my amazing neighborhood.

Never a dull moment.

- Kevin! - What?

You better get your natural Black behind in this house

before those streetlights come on.

You know the rules. - Oh, don't worry, Ma.

I'm just enjoying the sights and sounds of my city.

I got plenty of time.

Oh, snap.

Ah!

You know good and well

you're supposed to be in here by now.

There's crime and gangs and drugs on those streets.

It's not safe when it's dark.

It's barely okay in broad daylight.

Ma, with all due respect, you gotta give me some room.

I mean, I can take care of myself.

Sweetheart, my job is to keep you healthy and safe.

And if I have to destroy your spirit and individuality

in the process, so be it.

Now, let's see what you're trying to hide from me.

I'm not hiding anything.

All the kids stash their backpacks

under couch cushions nowadays.

You think you slick, huh?

You know I don't allow this crap in my house.

It's not crap. It's cheese.

And you're always telling me that I need

more dairy in my diet.

Keep using that tone with me, boy,

and you'll add the back of my hand to your diet.

Aw.

Ghetto Gangsta Mafia?

Goodbye.

Aw, Ma!

You are listening to something good for the soul.

Marvin Gaye?

Marvin Gaye never sang about violence

in his entire short life

that ended when his father shot him.

Uncle Richard Jr., can you please tell my mom

that there's nothing wrong with the Ghetto Gangsta Mafia?

Yo, I love that group.

They tell it like it is.

I think they won Best Song to Do a Drive-By To

at the Prison Grammys.

They are dangerous!

Yes, they are.

Bad influence too.

Listen to your mom, Lil Kev. - That's right.

And dinner's ready, so take a seat at the table.

Robert, get your butt down here and eat!

Hello, best mom on the planet.

- Hey, baby. - Mwah.

What is going on here?

Ma, you violated my constitutional rights

over a bag of Hot Cheese Balls,

but you let Robert get away with murder.

Robert is older and bigger than you,

and you're way too naive.

He knows how to stay safe

because he doesn't trust anybody

and he thinks the whole world is out to get him.

Thanks for believing in me, Mom.

Well, there's no time for me to ever get in trouble anyway,

with all these after-school activities

you force me to do.

Ah, that reminds me, tomorrow you're joining

the MC Hammer Dance Club.

You can't get hurt while avoiding people

from touching this.

Aw, no, Mom!

Basketball tryouts are tomorrow.

Please, please, please, please, please?

All right, all right, all right.

I will let you try out for basketball

under one little, teeny-weeny condition:

you must abide by all of my rules at all times.

That goes for you and you and you.

What the hell are you doing here?

Honey, I'm home!

Wait, this is my home, right?

Get out!

Shit!

Goddamn, girl, you all jacked up on that creatine?

Henry Hart, for the last time,

stop trying to sneak back in this house.

You know the rules.

You've been demoted to being a stepdad.

That means you are not allowed past my front step.

Ma, why you gotta be so mean to Daddy?

Some father.

I bust my butt working double shifts at the hospital

to put clothes on your back, and where is he?

Doing drugs, getting arrested,

disappearing for weeks at a time.

Now, in my defense, I only disappeared for weeks at a time

'cause I got arrested for doing drugs.

I gotta go to work.

Tell your sperm donor good night

and go back in the house.

And you, get your life together.

Mm-hmm, it's obvious.

She sure love her some Henry.

Yah-dah-dee!

Man, Pop, she's been so unfair to you and me lately.

I mean, why does she gotta go out of her way

to treat us so bad?

Son, your mama problem with us

is that we see the world in a different way.

While everybody else is worried about they next steps,

we thinking about flying, our heads in the clouds.

But it's up to us to convince her

that we ain't gonna crash and burn,

which might be a little harder for me

because I did crash and burn before.

But that ain't right.

You only crashed into and burned down

one check-cashing place.

I never said the world was fair, son,

but I'll figure out a way to win her back.

I just need a little taste of my thinking juice.

You gotta clean up your act, Dad.

And that means no more thinking juice.

Liquor from the Lord!

Crack-a-doodle-doo!

- Crack! - It's a crack-a-thon!

Dr. K pushes the ball up the court.

He feeds Sir Kevin Hartley

a behind-the-back, no-look pass,

and slam dunk!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't know why your ass going out

for the basketball team anyway.

You'll need a boost just to ride the bench, Uggsy Bogues.

Oh, yeah?

Well, Muggsy Bogues making it to the NBA

proves you wrong, Naysaying Ned!

Kev's right.

You don't need height to be good.

My cellmate Marlon was only 4'10",

and he was the Michael Jordan of the whole prison.

He knew the secret to life.

Say it with your chest.

Uh, okay.

What does that mean?

It means... say it with your chest!

Uh, yeah.

Saying it louder doesn't really make me understand it better.

You gotta be tough on that court, Kev.

It's called Jail Ball.

I wrote the book on it.

- Jail Ball? - Hell yeah.

I'll demonstrate.

Act like this is a basketball.

Goddamn, Unc,

this ball smell like Corn Nuts and Funky Cold Medina.

You and your opponent

are at the center of the court for jump ball.

Game is on the line.

Ref blows the whistle.

Bam! - Ah!

- Boom! - Uh!

Kick in the shin!

Elbow to the throat!

Kapow!

Smack to the neck!

Ow!

Those were flagrant fouls.

Punch the gonads for bitching to the ref.

Ding-dong! - Ah! Damn!

Uh, Unc, yeah, as fun as that was to see,

I think I got this.

Have it your way, youngblood.

But I know what I'm talking about.

Wow.

You did write the book on it.

Damn straight.

Fools said I was the next John Grisham.

In fact, they used to call me John Gristle

'cause I was known to eat the fuck

out of a piece of chicken.

Is something wrong, Henry?

You haven't said anything incoherent in a while.

I'm not feeling my usual hilarious self today, fellas.

Nancy does not want me anywhere around her or the boys.

I got to find a nice gift to help win her back.

Well, if it ain't here, that shit don't exist.

Welcome to the land

of povertunity!

How about you get Nancy a movie?

That's romantic as fuck.

Th-thi-this guy's got all the good bootlegs--

"Old Jack City," "Crack to the Future,

"The Little Hermaid."

Damn, this Ariel got some tig ol' bitties.

Th-that Jamaican crab is definitely hitting that!

Guys, I got to do better than this

if I'm gonna get Nancy to fall in love with me again.

Well, just hold on to that. I like aquatic adventures.

I told him to get out and stay out,

but somewhere deep down, I guess I still love him.

He's sweet and funny.

Ooh, and in the bedroom, mm-mm-mm.

He made Bobby Brown look like Charlie Brown.

Damn, that's a creepy-ass way to talk about your son.

I was talking about Henry, not Kevin!

Ay, I'm sorry, girl.

I am just distracted.

I am too focused on caring

for these poor, unfortunate patients.

Hey! I've been waiting here for three hours.

My leg is leaking like the "Exxon Valdez."

Your ass should have thought of that

before you got hit by the stray bullet.

Hey, Dirty Dante,

how come your clothes always be so dirty?

Duh, because my mama be using our laundromat money

at the casino so she can make us rich.

Yeah, well, good luck with that, homey.

Guys, look, get ready to be amazed

by your boy Lil Kev, AKA The Tiny Titan.

Okay, line up for tryouts!

Expeditiously!

And with all deliberate seriousness!

I guess Principal Johnson really liked

that Morgan Freeman movie

where Morgan Freeman yells like Morgan Freeman.

Quiet! Here comes my queen.

♪ You're all I want ♪

♪ You're all I need ♪

Ah, Rhe Rhe.

Let's run some layup drills.

Mr. Hart, take it to the hole.

Oh, it will be taken.

Whoo! Go, Kevin!

Go, Kevin!

You're like a short stack

with extra-sweet syrup and butter.

Ah!

Get your punk ass up, Bushwick Bill,

before I knock you on your ass again.

Chin Check, now, look, now, you been bullying me

since the third grade.

I mean, you gotta be bored by now.

When you gonna go on and move on to your next victim?

When you make me, bitch!

Oh!

Take a page out of my book, Kev.

All right, fellas.

Let's do some one-on-one.

Game on.

Time for some Jail Ball.

What the hell was that?

My Nate Dogg lunch box.

Oh! Ah!

Don't tell me you're gonna let him

make you look bad in front of your future baby mama.

No, I won't, Uncle Richard Jr. Book.

I'm gonna say it with my chest.

both: Finish him! Finish him!

He is finished!

Riot season is starting early this year.

Okay, listen up.

I gotta take the worst patients first.

So if you are dead, raise your hand.

Today Philadelphia endured the most destructive riot

the city has seen in over two weeks.

That poor man over there said he got punched by a statue.

I don't know what this world is coming to.

This catastrophe was all started

by the act of one out-of-control, disrespectful

inner-city student.

The problem with the youth today

is a lack of home training.

That's why I do everything I can

to keep my kids on the right track.

I hate to toot my own horn, but toot, toot.

I should teach a class--

Action News 10 has obtained this photo

of the under-aged hooligan.

What in the hell?

Ay, poor Nancy.

You're number 68 to see a doctor.

Number 3!

There won't be any legal action

against your son, Mrs. Hart.

But here's a list of everything he did

on that basketball court today--

you know, for easy reference when you beat his ass later.

Elbow to the cranium?

Kick to the testicles?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

And tell her what you said about Chin Check mom.

Do I have to?

Subject said...

"Your mama stuffs so many wieners in her mouth,

Oscar Meyer wants her to be their new logo."

Damn, Kev, that's terrible.

You wouldn't happen to have his mom's phone number, would you?

What in the hell were you thinking?

I am dying to know what possessed your narrow behind

to do all this stuff.

Well, to tell you the truth,

what I was actually thinking about--

I don't wanna hear one word out of you!

- But I was just answering-- - You heard your mama.

She don't wanna hear what or who

made you do what you did today.

You take that to the grave.

Ma, I was only standing up to the bully

and giving him a taste of his own medicine.

I mean, you're the one who's always telling us

God says you reap what you sow.

Boy, don't you steal the Lord's words

and use them against me.

Don't make me beat you for plagiarism too.

You gotta believe me.

This is not like those other times that I lied.

In this case, I am telling the truth for a change, okay?

It was an accident.

I didn't know anything else was gonna happen.

That "anything else" was a major riot.

People were looting everywhere.

Disgraceful. Mm-mm-mm.

Kevin Darnell Hart, this is serious.

This is how so many young men

start down the road to the thug life.

When I think of all the shot-up gang members

I see every night--

Hoo-hoo, I know that look a mile away.

Put your jacket on, Kevin.

I am taking you to the hospital with me tonight.

When those half-dead thugs get wheeled in,

you'll rethink your life of crime.

Aw, come--do I have to?

Look, I don't have a sister to send you to in Bel-Air,

so you're coming with me.

This way, Nino Brown.

Pay attention to what you see in here...

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

No matter how awful or disturbing or bloody...

Or boring?

This place is dead

and not in a good "laying on a stretcher,

full of bullet holes" kind of way.

Where's all the usual action?

Ooh, a heart machine that beeps, cool.

It is not cool. It is punishment.

Ah!

Am I stoned on Windex,

or have we been standing here for five hours

watching Henry pick out a gift?

We've been standing here for six hours.

And yeah, you stoned on Windex.

Come on, there's a lot riding on this gift, guys.

It has to be the perfect balance

of cheap and not too shitty.

Hmm, does my eye spy a sparkly wallet?

Ooh.

It's a genuine Tommy Hotfinger

with real fake diamonds on it.

You can put your bus pass in that little window right there.

Mm, take those grimy sweatpants off,

you beautiful, funky, long-balls-having man.

Yah-dah-dee!

Ooh! Whoo!

Mm, that's right, baby, with that big ol' ass.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

What, you want that wallet? $2.

This is just the thing to get my wife to love me again.

In that case, $5.

Be advised. Shooting at Broad and Lehigh.

Shooting at Broad and Lehigh.

Hallelujah. It's on.

Get ready to be scared straight, Kevin.

Spike Lee is shooting a movie at Broad and Lehigh.

Be on the alert for elaborate tracking shots,

blaring jazz music, and non-subtle messages.

Damn it!

I said it's $5.

$0.

$5!

$0!

Why do you keep saying $0?

'Cause that's all I got!

Get your broke ass out of here!

Let--let--let me tell you about that man over there.

His wife tossed him out because he got hooked on drugs,

lost 11 jobs, and wore white after Labor Day.

But Henry Hart did not let that defeat him.

He is determined to clean his life up.

He is a good man.

He is a changed man.

He is a "taking that wallet" man.

- Shit. - I'm coming, Nancy!

Stop, thief!

Ah! Oh, Lord!

Leave me alone, dog!

I ain't oxtail!

I'm just covered in them!

This is a disaster.

How is Kevin gonna learn to be good

if nothing bad happens here tonight?

Don't worry.

I'm sure being bored off of his ass

will scare him away from ever wanting

to come back to this place again.

Hey, what's going on?

How we doing, Killer King Hospital?

What in the hell?

Is everybody sick, injured, and happy?

I need morphine!

This is MC ER coming at you live.

♪ My, my, my, my ♪

♪ You got a nasty cut ♪

♪ Uh, why ♪

♪ 'Cause you fell off a truck ♪

♪ Right onto your butt ♪

♪ Look at that running sore ♪

♪ It makes me say, oh, my Lord ♪

♪ Don't touch that ♪

Let me break it down!

- Okay, that's enough. - Oh, come on, Ma.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Ma. I'm almost done.

♪ Stop, hammertoe ♪

- I said that's enough! - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ooh, you are lucky cameras are everywhere.

Otherwise I would beat you

like you led me on a high-speed chase.

Ma, what are you doing?

Let me go!

- No! - Ow, ow, ow!

I'm not letting you go until you start displaying

the home training I've been shoving down your throat

for the last 12 years.

Will you please stop babying me?

I'll stop treating you like a baby

when you stop acting like a baby

and start seeing the world how it really is.

Oh, so that's what this is about?

Because I have a happy attitude

and I don't sit around complaining all the time,

you don't think I know what's up.

That is exactly what it is.

So you don't think that I know that we live

in a crime-infested neighborhood, Mom,

or that my daddy is drunk or high half the time?

It's not that I'm blind.

I just choose to see the world I wanna live in.

I'm just trying to keep you safe.

I am safe, as safe as I'm gonna be

living in North Philly.

I mean, I know what time it is.

I know who I need to stay away from,

like that old man in the trench coat

that hangs out by my school,

staring at us through the chain-link fence,

licking his lips with his hands in his pockets.

Oh, I know what he's up to.

- You do? - Of course!

I know he wants to steal our snacks and our juice boxes.

Well--

Okay, so now that you know

that I'm not a dumbass about life,

can you please knock off the babying

and let me listen to the music that I like,

get me the hell out of that quilting club,

and start treating me like I got some goddamn sense,

damn it?

This will help them identify my remains.

We got a major injury here!

Drive-by victim.

Yes, my prayers have been answered.

In your face, Mr. Happy Talk.

Time to get scared straight.

Two gunshot wounds to the abdomen!

Losing blood!

Oh, my God.

He's just a kid.

Dirty Dante?

Dante Elliott from my class.

Somebody get me two units of whole blood!

Hang in there, young man.

You're gonna be okay.

Where's his mother?

We were told she was at a casino

all the way in Atlantic City.

Hopefully someone will get ahold of her soon.

Mom, I just wanna say that I'm so sorry

that I cussed at you earlier

and that--that there's no excuse for that.

And--and right now, I--

I present my natural Black behind for beating.

I'm not going to beat you.

Not tonight, anyways.

I know that I'm tempting fate by asking this, but...

why not?

Kevin, you wanna know why I'm so hard on you?

Yeah, I mean, it's crossed my mind a few times.

Because you're my responsibility,

and I can't afford to be soft with you all the time.

I'm just trying to protect you from all the bad things

that can hurt you.

And maybe that's why I smother you so much.

Because I love you, son.

I love you more than you'll ever know.

I know, Mom.

Look, son, I'm not gonna be perfect at it,

but I'm gonna try to give you

a little more freedom around here.

You're not a baby anymore.

Ugh, uh-oh.

I know that look from a mile away.

You're not gonna do "it" again, are you?

Mm-mm.

Nope.

Nope, I won't do it this time.

I won't do it. I won't do it.

Good, because I don't really think that's a good--

♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪

Aw, come on, Ma. You're embarrassing me.

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪

I don't want a mockingbird. I want a pit bull!

Yo, Nancy!

Forever my lady!

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

Why get a pit bull when your daddy's a dog?

Henry Hart, what are you doing out there?

I got you a romantic gift to prove my love!

Thanks, Henry, but you're still not

allowed past the front step.

That ain't what thought-bubble you said.

Thought-bubble you was down to do the wild thing, yeah?

Good night, Henry.

And put on some pants!

Good night, son.

You did good, Pops!

It's baby steps, but you're gonna win her back.

Thanks, son!

I'm gonna be a better dad for you, boy,

starting right now.

You gonna see a whole new Henry.

Aah!

Damn, Cujo!

You sure ain't Scooby-Doo!

My ass is not as tasty as it looks.

My ass is neither a Kibble nor a Bit.

♪ Go, Little Kev, go, Little Kev, go ♪

♪ Go, Little Kev, go, Little Kev, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go ahead, go, go ♪