Original subtitles

"Hey, K2 crew, you're not gonna die.

"Well, I mean, you will eventually, but not from our asbestos."

Send.

I'm not gonna die!

And there's a 43% chance I'm gonna be a dad,

but with Gav's jizz, and the eggs of some bird

I've never even banged or seen. Life's pretty good, eh?

I was the Christmas party photographer last year,

and I've got to say, these pics are radioactive.

If, God forbid, you die of mesothelioma,

I will tell our child every day

what an amazing woman her mother was.

Even if I'm a casual racist? Ex-casual racist.

Mum gave Alison power of attorney over Mum's will

while Mum had questionable mental competency.

What it means is we have a strong case

to remove her as executor.

You did it, Rach. We're gonna get our bloody ker-ching!

'I've just met with the board. Obviously, they're not happy

'that you elected to tell the staff about the asbestos

'without proper authorisation.

'So we're terminating your contract.'

I'm fired?

"Dear K2 staff. This is disgruntled K2 employee here

"asking you to join me for a sit-in protest at the warehouse.

"My plan is to shut down the distribution plant

"until the big wigs in the States agree to give Tina her job back."

Well, I like "disgruntled K2 employee". Yeah.

See, I thought a bit of mystique was nice.

Yeah, except you signed it off, "Cheers, Brett."

Fuck. Yeah.

You know, I hope you're not doing this because you think

we're in a relationship?

Because I couldn't have been more clear that it's casual.

And if I'm being completely honest,

there was some sympathy thrown in with the sex.

What?! Yeah.

You... CHUCKLES

You thought you were sympathy shagging me?

You couldn't tell? I mean, I even did the sympathy sex face.

I was even saying, "I'm so sorry. I feel so sorry for you.

"Oh, I hope this helps. I hope this helps."

Were you even looking at my face? Oh.

# Let's go!

# Whatcha waitin' for? Your prayers are already answered

# Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste

# Let's go! Green light Step on the gas

# Don't let no-one pass

# Put some pep in ya steps Follow me this way!

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light

# Go! Do you wanna go, go, go?

# I'mma, I'mma run this show

# Red light Do you wanna go?

# Do you wanna go?

# Hey! Do you wanna go? #

So, Christmas morning at your mum, my dad's?

No, Christmas morning at my mum and your dad's,

and then Christmas afternoon at my dad and your mum's.

Ah. This whole parent swapping thing has been traumatic.

And a little bit disgusting.

Yeah, but at least there's a chance we'll be sisters by the end of it.

Oh. Not that it'd make much difference anyway.

I tell you all my deepest secrets.

And I borrow all your favourite tops,

and then, like, sneak 'em into your closet smelling like 3am.

What? But at least when we're officially sisters, right,

I can be, like, really rude to you, and then not apologise afterwards.

You're rude now and don't apologise afterwards.

Yeah, but now I still feel a little bit guilty about it.

I can't imagine you feeling guilty about anything.

I know, it's a bit of a paradox, isn't it?

Ah. Don't think it's maybe a paradox at all. I think it is.

That's... No, definitely not the meaning.

You just live your life moment to moment,

not caring about your actions, consequences,

or the repercussions of how any of it might affect anyone.

Yeah. I guess I am truly free.

Meanwhile, I can't stop obsessing over that stupid job interview

I had yesterday.

Hey, it's not stupid! You're stupid!

Cos you're gonna make the perfect Marketing Director, Romi.

It's super sexist they didn't offer it to you in the first place.

Thank you. You know, I look up to you.

You're the kind of person I want to be.

And so, saying that,

I've decided I'm gonna start folding my underwear - clean underwear -

stop wearing your underwear, obviously, and, most importantly,

I'm gonna pay the debt collectors back in full.

I am so proud of you, Talia. And I want you to know

that you've brought a lot of happiness into my life.

I wouldn't have been emotionally stable enough

to go for such a big job if it... if it weren't for you.

Oh, babe. Babe.

Can I borrow some money?

Just don't know how you guys can ever forgive me.

Oh, it's OK. How were you meant to know about Mum's condition?

Yeah. I mean, none of us knew. I mean, she's already, like, eurgh.

I honestly... I honestly thought that she wanted to keep you

from squandering your money. I just... I don't know.

I hope you'll forgive me. It's OK.

Yeah. We know what you did came from a good place. It's OK.

But it's made me think about what's really important, though.

Like you, Lukas, doing this... staff sit-in to save your boss. Mm.

You know, even though it's bound to fail,

could drag on for days - weeks, even. There you go.

Oh, it's not gonna bloody drag on for weeks.

It could. Really?

Mm. I've only got what I'm wearing, that's it.

I haven't even got a pillow or undies. What if I need undies?!

I'm just glad this whole silly ordeal is over

so we can just split the inheritance three ways

and get on with our lives. Amen.

Yeah, I don't think so, Rachel.

Oh, there we go. Here we go. Snaky bloody Auntie Al.

No, I think... No, I know what you're doing.

..you two should take the lot.

What?! Merry Christmas.

It's a new deed.

Gives everything in your mum's will to you two.

But you're an arsehole.

But am I? I mean, you know...

perhaps even arseholes have a heart.

All right.

Anyway, my point is, look, I know I've been blessed.

You know, I'm very privileged.

I... I mean, take this trip, for example.

Have I told you about the trip? Some of the tours I'm going on.

There's a midnight tour in the Louvre...

Yeah. ..where they're taking just me.

It's sort of a solo thing. Yeah, I've heard.

And then one of the things I'm doing in the south of France,

which is gonna be fun, is that I choose a grape blend...

Blend of... Yeah, yeah. You know about this?

You've told us. Well, they name the wine after me.

I know. Oh, I know what I haven't told you.

The pasta making workshop in Italy. Oh, God, you've told us 100 times!

We know! Great! Life's so great for Auntie Alison.

She's got all the money, she gets bloody tours

and private pasta courses.

Oh, sorry! Pass the deed back. I'll tear it up!

No, I'm not saying that. I'm not! OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

Oh, and did I tell you, in Spain, they're gonna let me kill a...

Kill a bull. ..a bull. Yeah.

I told you that, did I? Yeah.

I mean, I don't even want to. Christ, I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, well. I've paid for it.

You got a box for day one. Oh, nice one, buddy.

CHUCKLES

Yeah, yeah. Well, just try and stay off the hard stuff

until the final session. I don't wanna have to come

and collect you from Emergency again.

CHUCKLES

Nah. No, I won't be joining you, mate.

I've just got different priorities at the moment.

Yeah, OK. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, mate.

Yeah, all right, then.

OK. Well, merry Christmas and get fucked to you, too, buddy.

Bye-bye.

How is your mum? CHUCKLES

Nah, that's Jackson. He's 43, and he still hasn't grown up.

How old were you when you grew up?

41. If you haven't grown up by the time you're 41,

then God help you.

I mean, Jackson's carrying on like a 40-year-old.

You all right, babe?

I don't know.

It's just that we've gone to all this trouble to have a baby,

but if we do have a baby, we'll be really old parents.

We're gonna have to put up with a lot of shit.

Yeah, I know, I did the maths.

I'm 41, so at our kid's 21st, I'm gonna be 65.

Whatever you do, don't entertain the partygoers

with a removable thumb joke. What?!

The removable thumb routine's timeless.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, right up there with "pull my finger".

That's not even the same thing! It's a completely different genre.

People are gonna look at us

and think that we're baby-sitting someone else's grandchildren.

Mm. Well, people are dicks.

Yeah. Stuff them.

My bald, sleepy Kiwi kids that I waited too long to have

and that I'm in no way biologically linked to

are gonna love the shit out of me.

Everybody already loves the shit out of you, babe.

Old, young, child, no child.

Aw, thanks, babe.

Especially after you've cooked lasagne.

The beef one, not vegetarian. I know, babe.

It's a mistake I won't make again.

Yeah, well, I can forgive you.

But I can never forget.

So, Mia, what are you grateful for?

Erm, I'm grateful for every conversation

that doesn't start with, "How is uni going?"

Or, um, "Are you in a relationship?"

Or, um, "Are you a lesbian?" Your mum told me to ask you that.

You should be grateful you have a mum cool enough

to know what a lesbian is.

Oh, I'm grateful I can block both of you

on Facebook and Instagram so I don't have to see

your sad little selfies.

You should be grateful you have a mum cool enough

to know what a selfie is. Huh.

So, what are you grateful for, Bridge?

I'm grateful for civil disobedience.

Means I get to spend a day at work

sitting in a locked warehouse doing bugger all.

Ooh.

I'm grateful I have a hot driver's licence photo this year.

Last time, I looked like Fergie.

You wish. Not that Fergie. Toe-sucking Fergie.

Hey, Bridge, it says your date of birth here is 197...

Oh, that's a typo. Need to get that fixed.

No, no, it's 19...

I'm grateful for the word "nothing".

I love it when Gary asks me what's wrong,

and all I have to say is "nothing" and he knows he's in trouble.

I'm grateful for being adopted.

You were adopted. They gave you back.

Go on, Gary. What are you grateful for?

Well, I'm grateful for toilet paper, food, Gordon Greenidge,

Desmond Haynes, Viv Richards,

and I'm also grateful for the opportunity

to ask Bridget to marry me.

Bridget...

..will you marry me? Oh, my God.

Bridge? Of course, Gary!

Yes! Yes! SCREAMS

With a ring. Oh!

Oh, my God, you're still married to Dad.

As soon as I get that sorted. Of course!

HE GUFFAWS

Oh, Bridget, Bridget! Mmm.

RADIO: 'It's 9am and a week out till Christmas,

'which means you only have to hear that Mariah Carey song

'another 17 billion times.'

RADIO: 'It's Christmas Eve, and K2 employees

'are on their way home after their warehouse sit-in,

'and men everywhere are about to start shopping.'

When I get home, the first thing I'm doing

is having a nap in an actual bed.

Second thing. Right after you shower.

MIA CHUCKLES Oh.

We eventually ran out of wet wipes.

I literally cried,

then I used my own tears to wash myself.

Now I smell like misery. Mm.

So, Gary... Dad.

Dad. Mm.

Who do I give way to on a roundabout?

You give way to whoever is actually on the roundabout.

Holy shit, what's got into you two? MIA LAUGHS

Gary... I mean...

I mean, Dad... THEY CHUCKLE

..has actually been really great the last six days.

I mean, he taught me how to drive.

Mm. Taught me how to cook a steak.

Fart and not apologise. Fart and not apologise.

Pew! Mm!

I think this might be the happiest day of my life.

Oh, Bridgey, Bridgey. MIA LAUGHS

And I'm beyond excited to be getting married

as soon as I get divorced from your actual father...

Oh! Mm.

..and driven to the hospital because my waters have broken.

MIA GASPS

So, it turns out I, um, won't be needing that loan...

Oh, great. Can you check my phone for texts?

I'm waiting to hear about the marketing director job.

That's weird they haven't got back to you.

The interview went well, right? Yeah, I think they liked me.

They liked what I did as acting marketing director.

So, why don't you need the loan?

Oh, uh, well... So, uh, I was...

Shit, that could be them. Can you read it out to me?

Oh, sure. OK.

"Hey, Romi, sorry it's taken so long to get back to you,

"but congrats, you're gonna make a remarkable marketing director.

"We can't wait to have you on board!"

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I'm so relieved. Yes!

Oh, my God, I'm so upgrading my living situation,

and YOU are coming with me.

OK, before you do, though... Um, yeah...

So, this is gonna... It's gonna kill you. Um...

I've actually been appointed marketing coordinator.

SHE LAUGHS

Marketing coordinator? Yeah.

But you don't have any marketing experience whatsoever.

I originally went in for quality assurance associate,

but then, like, HR were being a bit non-committal,

and so then I whipped out a couple of these, and, you know,

suddenly, marketing coordinator was bandied around,

and I... I'm so sorry, babe.

Talia. I'm gonna be your boss now,

so it's gonna be so hard on our friendship... Talia.

..I'm gonna be breathing down your neck,

and you're gonna develop some sort of unhealthy inferiority complex...

No, Talia... TALIA EXHALES

..marketing director totally trumps marketing coordinator.

Nu-uh.

You are so, so beneath me, it's not even...

It's not even funny. No, OK... Sorry, wait...

OK, so, marketing coordinator coordinates things.

LAUGHING: Like, what does a director do?

Directs the coordinator to run off and coordinate

whatever he or she has directed.

I could get you to go get me coffees

or do my laundry if I wanted, just like that.

Not that I will, but I could. Are you sure?

A hundred percent.

We'll be sharing...

Don't touch me. Sorry.

Well, we'll be sharing an office.

And together, we'll be steering the marketing direction

of Australia's third biggest distribution company.

It's pretty... good.

TALIA SIGHS

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I broke up with Guy.

Oh, my God, tell me fucking everything!

SHE GASPS

"And after six days of protest,

"we realised the intense loyalty you had engendered in your staff,

"and so the board has gladly decided to reinstate you as CEO.

"PS, no hard feelings.

"Please don't sue the shit out of us." You know.

It's official! OK, eyes on the road.

Come on, hands, eyes - you're driving.

I mean, obviously, the staff is not that loyal.

They just enjoyed, you know, not working for a few days.

Maybe, but it did not hurt having the media onside.

Have you read some of these headlines?

Oh, let me see. Thanks.

"It's not OK2."

SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY: OK.

"K2 in PR KO." Punchy.

"The company so evil,

"they actually fired their childless female CEO

"after she alerted staff to a deadly asbestos situation

"that threatened their lives."

Daily Mail.

HE EXHALES Hm, OK.

Well, I know it's only been seven days,

but I'm pretty sure this is your place.

Do you wanna come in?

I don't know if I feel like being sympathy shagged, Tina.

Oh, no.

Well, do you wanna just... hold hands,

or play Monopoly... HE CHUCKLES

..or we could vacuum... the floors?

I don't...

I could read to you from the Bible?

You know what? I think a sympathy shag sounds OK to me.

Oh, good.

Speed it up, Mia! I would, but it's double demerits.

If we don't get your mother to hospital, she might die.

Are you sure you're not overstating the situation?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MIA!

Give it some frigging gas before I sneeze this child out!

OK. No, no!

It's a 40K zone, I can't. Sorry.

BRIDGET SCREAMS, GROWLS

BRIDGET AND GARY GROAN

ENGINE REVS

Ooh, money's gonna hit our account any minute now.

What are you gonna spend it on?

I'm gonna be sensible, Rach. I've got to be sensible.

I'm gonna put it somewhere I can't spend it.

Great. I'm gonna completely turn my life around.

I'm gonna put all the money into a website for my new small business.

It's what Mum would have wanted.

Mm, how do you know what Mum would have wanted?

I mean, like, you guys... You know, I'm not being rude,

but you guys didn't really speak for the last decade before she died.

Yes, that is correct, but we've really patched things up now.

Oh, have you? Right. Yeah.

I'm in constant communication with her

because I've learnt how to be a spiritual conduit,

and I'm communing with her in the afterlife.

Right, OK. Has this got anything to do

with the small business you've just started?

Yes, that is the small business. Right, OK.

I'm sorry, I'm sick of this. It's always something like this.

Sick of what?

Just you and your bloody flippant, bloody...

Just get a normal job.

This is not a job.

Where did you learn to be a bloody spirit-talker?

From a woman in Katoomba.

And actually, Mum would appreciate it

if you would support me a bit more.

Right, OK, so you're talking to Mum right now, are you?

Not right now, but...

..now I am.

Oh, so, right, sorry, did the feed drop out?

Or is she always watching, is it all-knowing Mum, or...?

She's there right now, is she? She's pretty much always watching,

but, you know, I have to sort of... SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

Right. ..click in to talk to her, so, yeah.

OK. Oh, well, tell her I say hi. Yeah.

She'd know that, though, wouldn't she?

PHONE PINGS Oh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! How much is it? Here we go.

All right, all right, all right. Hang on, hang on.

SHE SIGHS, HE EXHALES

OK, I'm watching the road. I'm watching the road.

I'm just gonna look down for a little bit.

OK, have a look.

$2,700.

$2,700...

Ha-ha-ha, very funny. How much is it?

It's $2,700. Look.

2,700!

Oh!

HE SIGHS

Mum says she's really sorry... Tell Mum to fuck off!

If this doesn't work out, we can always try again.

I can't ask Talia again.

And besides, we couldn't afford another cycle.

Mm.

It's weird.

I just always saw myself being a mum.

Well, you still may make a very beautiful mum,

and I still may make a very mediocre dad.

I guess the benefits of it not working out

is that we'll never have to wipe poo from anyone else's arse but our own.

And I can still swear as much as I want.

And I'll only have to clean up your vomit.

Plus, no sore nipples from breast-feeding.

Yeah, and no bedtime stories

means I'll never have to read a fucking book again.

And I won't have to wear gym gear 24/7.

I can still vacuum in the nude! I never signed off on that.

And I don't have to see The Wiggles!

And we'll still be able to have sex with my intact vagina.

Woohoo!

Never thought about that one. Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? 'Hi, is this Jess?'

Yep. 'Hi, Jess.

'It's Emily from Sydney IVF.

'Is this a good time to talk?' Yes.

'Can I have your date of birth, please?'

16th of January, 1976.

'Merry Christmas.' Merry Christmas to you, too.

'I'm just calling to let you know the test is positive.

'You're pregnant. Congratulations.'

Oh, my God! Thirty seconds ago,

we were trying to take a philosophical approach,

but fuck that!

You got us a kid! THEY LAUGH

'So keep going with the medications,

'and the clinic will call you

'to let you know when to come in for the scan.

'Congratulations again.' Bye!

Thank you. Merry Christmas!

THEY LAUGH

Babe, does this mean the wanking ban's over?

Yeah, baby, go nuts.

Let's get drive-thru KFC to celebrate!

Fudge yes! I'm eating for two!

You fudging beauty! I'm one happy snunt!

HORNS BEEPING Woohoo!

Hoo-hoo!

PHONE RINGS

Hello? 'Hi, is this Jess?'

Yes. 'Hi, Jess.

'It's Emily from Sydney IVF.

'Is this a good time to talk?' Yes.

'Can I have your date of birth, please?'

16th of January, 1976.

'I'm so sorry, I had the wrong information in front of me.

'Unfortunately, your pregnancy test is negative.

'You can go off the medication,

'and your period will come in a couple of days.

'Dr Benning's happy to talk to you about your options

'when she gets back from the Maldives, OK?'

Thanks. 'We're so sorry.'

MUSIC: 'Light All My Lights' by Seeker Lover Keeper

# Oh, in the dark, we could hide

# But we're human, we're human So we fight

# And we can be higher Than our hearts

# And I'll be a fighter by your side

# Oh, won't you come Won't you light all my lights

# Oh, won't you come

# Won't you fight all my fights

# Fight all my fights

# So long

# And we'll all be so strong

# We'll all be so strong... #

BOTH: # Noel, noel

# Noel, noel... #

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