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1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:02,960
You know that mousy security guard
at work?
2
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,960
I've decided to sell her my eggs.
3
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,960
Oh, my God, that is so beautiful.
4
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960
Yeah, it's crazy,
I never wanted to have kids,
5
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,960
but if I can bring some joy
into your guys' lives,
6
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:14,960
then I'll feel like
I'm giving back, eh?
7
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,320
That means a lot, Gav.
8
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,960
So, the lawyer reckons that we have
to prove that Mum was insane
9
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960
when she made Alison
the executor of her will.
10
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,960
The "executor"?
It's the "exec-utor" of the will.
11
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,800
Years of hard work
and strategic side boob,
12
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,000
all for nothing because I opened
my big mouth about the asbestos.
13
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,960
The asbestos
is working in my favour. How?
14
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,160
Well, at the moment, Gary thinks
I'm a racist who's dying.
15
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:43,960
If you take away the asbestos,
I'm just a racist.
16
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960
What? Ryan's just clearing out
his desktop,
17
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,960
and he sent me pics
of the night you and I met.
18
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,960
Look at me. I had the dreads.
I look sensational.
19
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960
No, you didn't, mate.
20
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,960
You look like Travolta
in Battlefield Earth.
21
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:58,960
What?
22
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,960
Well, I thought I looked hot,
and that's half the battle, right?
23
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,960
The battle was for me
to see the man beneath the dickhead.
24
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,480
I wasn't a dickhead.
You were a dickhead.
25
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:07,640
How was I a dickhead?
26
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,960
Do you want me to go through
all the ways you were a dickhead?
27
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,960
Not really. Cos I'm going to.
No, you don't...
28
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,800
You went from being
a drunken dickhead,
29
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,960
to a drug-addled dickhead,
to an "I found God" dickhead.
30
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,960
That's right, I found God!
I forgot about that.
31
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,960
Then swinger dickhead, remember him?
Bad memories.
32
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960
Rehab dickhead, relapse dickhead.
Yes.
33
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960
Remorseful dickhead.
34
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960
Yeah, well, remorseful dickhead
wasn't such a bad dickhead.
35
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,960
I liked him.
He's a bit of a downer. Yep.
36
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,640
But now, I like to think
I'm more of a mature dickhead.
37
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,480
Is that right?
Yeah, that is right.
38
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,960
I've learnt a lot
the past few months, babe.
39
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960
Have you?
Yeah.
40
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,960
I've learnt that it's unkind to
get on rugby league message forums
41
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,960
and anonymously call blokes
who disagree with me "flogs". It is.
42
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,960
And making farting noises
behind fat people,
43
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,960
while hilarious, is hurtful.
44
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,960
Wow! Where's my husband
and what have you done with him?
45
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,480
Has he been kidnapped by aliens?
46
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:55,960
It's all about being zen, babe.
47
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,960
Whoo! Argh!
48
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:58,960
Get me outta here!
Get me outta here!
49
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,960
MUSIC: 'Green Light'
by Lady Bri
50
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,960
# Let's go! Whatcha waitin' for?
Ya prayers are already answered
51
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960
# Do you really want it?
Ain't go no time to waste
52
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,960
# Let's go!
Green light
53
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,960
# Step on the gas
Don't let no-one pass
54
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960
# Put some pep in ya steps
Follow me this way
55
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:13,960
# Red light, green light
56
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,960
# Red light, green light
57
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960
# Red light, green light
Go
58
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,960
# Do you wanna go, go, go?
59
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,960
# I'mma
I'mma run this show
60
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,960
# Oh, oh
Do ya wanna go?
61
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,960
# Do ya wanna go?
62
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,960
# Do ya wanna
Do ya wanna go? #
63
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,960
Oh, my God, it says here
I've got a one in 100,000 chance
64
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
of dying under general anaesthetic.
65
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960
I think they're pretty good odds.
66
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,960
Look, they wouldn't let you do it
if they thought you were gonna die.
67
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:42,960
No, it's even worse!
68
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
It says here also
I've a one in 10,000 chance
69
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,960
of waking up during surgery,
but not being able to move or talk,
70
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,800
so I can just feel every single egg
be extracted one by one.
71
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,960
Egg extraction doesn't actually
sound that painful.
72
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,320
And what, they're only taking,
like, ten eggs.
73
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,960
"Only ten."
74
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,960
That is like having ten periods
at the same time!
75
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,960
Oh, my God, this is
the worst decision I've ever made.
76
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,960
No way! Because of the good
you're doing donating your eggs,
77
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,960
you're gonna wake up karma neutral,
78
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960
which means you can decide
whether to be a good person,
79
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960
or the kind of person
who signs their flatmate up
80
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,320
to the National Rifle Association
of Australia.
81
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,000
Oh, but signing you up
to the National Rifle Association
82
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,960
brings me actual joy.
83
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,000
I love it when you get
that little magazine.
84
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,960
I literally skip back
from the post box.
85
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,960
Hey, that might be
my last happy memory on Earth.
86
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,640
Don't take that away from me.
87
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:31,960
Well, if you do die,
I'll pray for you,
88
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960
cos you're gonna need all the help
you can get getting into heaven.
89
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:35,960
Thanks, actually.
90
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960
I mean, I'd hate to rock up
to the gates
91
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,960
and have some sort of
angel door bitch be like,
92
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960
"Mmm, actually,
this is a private party,
93
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,960
"and you're not on the guest list."
94
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:44,960
"You've had too much to drink."
95
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960
"We're actually at capacity
right now."
96
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,960
"You don't meet the dress code."
97
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,160
"Ah, you can't just fuck some
random guy in the toilets, Talia.
98
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,960
"Get out of heaven. My God!"
99
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,000
Oh, wow.
I'm praying so hard for you.
100
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,960
Ah, God'd actually love me,
I reckon.
101
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,960
He just needs the chance
to get to know me...
102
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,960
and to exist.
103
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,960
Yeah, so I get up to the counter,
and I'm like, " 'Sup? I'm Gav."
104
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,960
And then this nursey-looking chick
gives me a jar
105
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,960
I'm supposed to put my jizz into,
right?
106
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:12,960
And she takes me to this room.
107
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,960
And there's a couch over here,
and a stack of picture magazines,
108
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:16,960
and then, like, a filthy old TV
109
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
with some, like,
'90s porn DVDs there.
110
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960
She goes, "You've got ten minutes."
And then just bails.
111
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:22,960
So I'm like, "Right-o."
112
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
I'm looking at the couch, I'm like,
113
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960
"Well, I'm not going anywhere near
that fucking thing."
114
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960
Cos it's practically
a sperm graveyard.
115
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,640
So I get started on the mags
and have a go,
116
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:32,960
but not much happens there.
117
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:33,960
It's a bit high-pressure.
118
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,960
I go to the TV,
chuck in a DVD, nothing.
119
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Back to the picture mags,
still nothing.
120
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,960
Not even the Home Girls section,
normally a guarantee. Totally.
121
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,960
Anyway, time's ticking,
I'm starting to stress out,
122
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960
and I'm thinking,
"Macca and Jess' entire future
123
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,960
"depends on this moment," you know?
124
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,320
And then I start thinking, like,
"Well, the respectful thing to do
125
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,960
"in this situation
is think about Jess."
126
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,960
So I did, and I'll have you know
127
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,960
it was a smooth flight from take-off
to landing, and I was done,
128
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,640
cleaned up, out of there
in eight minutes, 37 seconds.
129
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,960
To be honest, I was probably done
in half that time,
130
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,960
but the idea of Jess
got me over the finish line twice.
131
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960
Thank you, Jess.
132
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,960
So you guys got two loads,
double the chances. Boom.
133
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,960
I honestly reckon
I emptied each nut.
134
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960
I don't reckon they would've
ever seen that much cum.
135
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:14,960
Yep, all right. Right-o.
136
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960
Thanks, Gav,
it's sweet of you to think of me.
137
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960
No worries.
Are you serious?
138
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,640
Mate, how would you like it
if I jerked off over your missus?
139
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,800
I never had a missus.
140
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,960
If you had one, you'd realise
you'd broken the code, mate. Twice.
141
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,960
It doesn't how he got there.
We got the result we wanted.
142
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960
Thank you so much
for your sperm, Gav.
143
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:32,960
SNORING
144
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,960
So, Gav's jizz goes into you?
145
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,960
No, it fertilises the donor egg
in the lab,
146
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960
and that donor egg goes into me,
147
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,960
so none of Gav's actual jizz,
as you so scientifically put it,
148
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,960
actually goes into me.
149
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,960
But essentially,
we're bringing up his kid,
150
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,320
and we're paying for the pleasure.
151
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,320
No, it'll be our kid.
But it'll look like Gavin.
152
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,960
Well, my guess is
it'll look more like Talia.
153
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,320
Jeez, I hope accents aren't genetic.
154
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,960
Have you heard yourself talk?
155
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,960
No, but I've heard her talk,
and trust me,
156
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,960
I do not want my kids calling me
"Micca", and you "Jiss".
157
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,960
Sounds like "Jizz".
Shut up, Gavin.
158
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,960
Don't talk to me like that.
We're gonna have a baby.
159
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,960
CAR HORN HONKS
MAN: It's called an indicator!
160
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,960
Thanks for letting me drive.
Yeah, you're going well.
161
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
You're probably pushing
the speed limit a bit. Uh-huh.
162
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Yeah, ever since I found out,
it just...
163
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:26,960
..feels good to be in control,
so I need this. I need this.
164
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:27,960
HE SIGHS
165
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,960
I can't believe
he moved in with her.
166
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,960
Well, a woman always knows
167
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,960
when her husband's gonna
move back in with his ex-girlfriend.
168
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,000
I just need someone
to look after my cat.
169
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,000
I could arrange
to have it flown out.
170
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,640
No way, man.
171
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,960
We all saw what happened when Johnny
Depp brought his dogs over here.
172
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,320
Ah, Johnny knew the rules.
173
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,960
Doesn't matter anyway.
My cat's probably already dead.
174
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:54,960
She was probably crying for food,
but they were making love so loudly
175
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,480
that they couldn't hear.
176
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:57,960
They were probably making love
177
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,960
just right over
her dead little corpse.
178
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,640
Just getting her fur
into their crevices
179
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,960
while she said,
"Meow-meow-meow-meow!"
180
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,800
HORN HONKS
Hey!
181
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,960
Oh!
MAN: Pick a lane, doofus!
182
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,960
You and your husband
are definitely done?
183
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,960
I've already been through
the four stages of grief -
184
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,960
shock, denial, fear,
185
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,960
and then posting pictures of myself
on Instagram
186
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,960
where I look incredibly happy.
187
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,960
Still, I guess it must be nice
to have someone to,
188
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,960
you know, fool around with
when all this shit's happening.
189
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:28,960
Take your mind off things.
190
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
191
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,960
Can you caption that
"hashtag morning commute,
192
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,960
"hashtag never been happier",
and then upload?
193
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,960
You know what, use the Juno filter.
194
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,960
That's done.
195
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
196
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,960
What filter did you use?
197
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:52,960
All right, I'm just gonna take...
198
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,960
You used the Lark filter!
That is a holiday filter.
199
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,320
SOFTLY: Fuck.
200
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,320
He's gonna know. He's gonna know.
201
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,960
SHE'S gonna know.
They're both gonna know.
202
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,960
They're both gonna look at it,
and they're gonna know.
203
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,000
They're gonna know
that they've destroyed me.
204
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,960
Bit hotter than Lithgow, eh?
205
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:24,960
Yeah, the summer down here's
pretty hot this time of year.
206
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Weather.
207
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:40,960
Look, I'm really glad you agreed
to come down to Sydney.
208
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,960
I really wanted to apologise to you
in person...
209
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,960
For all the idiot things you say.
210
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,000
My comments are pretty out there.
211
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,960
They're way out there,
and extremely hurtful.
212
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,320
And extremely hurtful. Sorry.
213
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960
Look, I didn't really wanna do this.
214
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,960
You're not gonna give me
a paper cut, are you?
215
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,960
I hired a private investigator
to run a background check on you.
216
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960
My God!
217
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960
Yeah, your God, all right,
and I tell you what,
218
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,960
it makes for
some pretty grim reading.
219
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,960
You don't separate your recycling.
220
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,320
You leave hair on the sink.
Well, some of that is Mia's.
221
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,960
And take incredibly long showers
during a drought.
222
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,640
Well, that's an invasion of privacy.
223
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,480
Yeah, well, so was colonisation,
and here we are.
224
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,000
You were once stopped
for a police breathalyser
225
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,960
and tried to flee on foot!
226
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,960
In my defence,
I was very drunk at the time.
227
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,960
Well, I haven't even read
the bad stuff yet.
228
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,960
What bad stuff?
229
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,960
You're not gonna tell Gary, are you?
I won't, if you break up with him.
230
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,960
Listen, Brian.
231
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:52,960
I may be a former casual racist,
but I love your son,
232
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,000
and I'm having his baby.
233
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:59,640
So if you can't accept my apology,
you're gonna have to bid me adieu,
234
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,960
cos there's an asbestos scare
going on at work,
235
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,960
and I don't know how much longer
I have left on this planet,
236
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,960
so exit stage right, Brian.
237
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,960
Are you serious?
Get out of the car!
238
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,960
Actually, no, don't get out,
people might think I'm a racist.
239
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,960
Actually, no. Get out, but smile.
240
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,960
Try and look empowered.
241
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:19,960
SOFTLY: Racist.
242
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:24,960
You're not gonna find anything.
243
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:29,960
Like, Mum hoarded weird stuff,
like broken toasters, owl figurines,
244
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,960
used plastic fast food containers,
245
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,960
not, like,
incriminating legal documents.
246
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960
I just need to find something,
anything that we can use
247
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,960
to fight Alison to get our money.
248
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,960
There's nothing. Like what? What?
249
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,800
I don't know. Maybe we could find
something to blackmail her with.
250
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,640
Like, remember that time she dressed
as Marcia Hines for a costume party?
251
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,960
There must be a photo of that.
252
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:48,960
No, she's burnt it,
she got rid of it.
253
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,960
Evidence gone.
OK, let's troll Alison on Facebook.
254
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,000
She blocked me.
She's blocked me as well.
255
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,960
DNA test. Maybe Alison
isn't even Mum's sister.
256
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Maybe, like, her dad's really
that guy Grandpa played golf with,
257
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,640
with all the beehives.
258
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,960
Beehive Jim?
Was it Beehive Jim?
259
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:05,960
I thought it was Beehive Glen.
260
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960
You know what,
who's that no thumb bloke?
261
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,000
He used to come around
and do Grandma's hedges.
262
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,160
Fingers.
Was it Fingers? Yeah.
263
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,960
I thought Fingers
was Great Uncle Greg.
264
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,960
Is Great Uncle Greg dead?
He is dead.
265
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,000
What's the last funeral you went to?
Mum's.
266
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,000
Oh, that was mine as well.
Yeah.
267
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,640
HE SIGHS
I need a cheer up.
268
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,640
Hey, you know,
we both need a bloody cheer up.
269
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,480
Let's go
to the bloody Christmas party.
270
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,480
It's my Christmas party.
It'll be fun.
271
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,960
I don't wanna go there.
272
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,960
Lacey's bloody gonna be there,
273
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:34,960
and I'll be all out of place,
we can...
274
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,640
Come on, please,
we can sing karaoke together.
275
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:38,960
BEEPS HORN
Karaoke!
276
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960
Oh, no, I don't like doing karaoke
with you.
277
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960
You always make me do
romantic duets.
278
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:43,960
But they're not romantic.
279
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,960
Islands In The Stream
is not romantic.
280
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,960
It's very romantic.
They rely on each other.
281
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
No, it's two bloody islands
in a stream.
282
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960
It's about global warming.
It's pre-empting doom.
283
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,960
Come on, please. Please!
284
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,960
Please! Please! Please!
285
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Please! Please!
286
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960
Please! Please.
287
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,960
Ple...
288
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:06,960
# Let's go! #
289
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:07,960
MAN ON RADIO: It's 9am,
290
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,960
and there's a two-truck crash
on Henry Lawson Drive,
291
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,960
and today's the first hot day
of summer,
292
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,960
and also the first day of people
thinking they look good in shorts.
293
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960
It's two weeks till Christmas.
294
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,960
My favourite Christmas
was when I ate ten gingerbread men
295
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,960
and then spent the rest of the day
climbing a tree.
296
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:24,960
Ah, my 40s.
297
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
Please. Please.
298
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960
Please, Rachel. Please.
299
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,800
Please.
No.
300
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,480
I can't believe Mum had Alzheimer's
and she didn't tell us.
301
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,960
Maybe she forgot.
302
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,960
Well, yeah, it's a symptom, but I...
303
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960
I just thought
she was going downhill
304
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:41,960
because she was day drinking.
305
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,800
It does explain a few things,
like why she kept calling you
306
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,960
to ask what time
The 7.30 Report was on.
307
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960
I just thought she was being ironic.
308
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960
You realise what this DOES mean,
though?
309
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,800
Yeah, Mum had Alzheimer's,
and she was a bit of a bitch.
310
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,960
No, it means Mum gave Alison
power of attorney over Mum's will
311
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,960
while Mum had
questionable mental competency.
312
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,960
Nice, Velma from Scooby-Doo.
313
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
What it means
is we have a strong case
314
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:05,960
to remove her as executor.
315
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,960
There's no way Mum
would've put her in charge
316
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,960
if she was in her right mind.
317
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:10,960
Right,
cos she drove her up the wall.
318
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960
Remember, she used to put
the bloody milk in the bowl
319
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960
before the cereal.
320
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:15,960
Sociopath!
That is sociopathy.
321
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,160
You did it, Rach.
We're gonna get the bloody ka-ching!
322
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,960
Fuck yeah!
Whoo! Karaoke?
323
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,960
Please. Please.
324
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,960
Please! Please, Rach. Please!
325
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,960
OK. Are you serious right now
with karaoke?
326
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,000
I'm absolutely serious,
I'm gonna do karaoke with you.
327
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,960
# Karaoke people, karaoke people! #
328
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,960
We're moving. Why are we moving?
329
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,960
A second ago,
I was laying on a bed...
330
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,960
Oh! I've jumped through
the space-time continuum again,
331
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:56,960
haven't I?
332
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,480
Again?
Oh, my God!
333
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,960
Oh, my two carpooling realities
have morphed into one dimension.
334
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,960
No, I told Simoni what a nice thing
you did, giving Jess your eggs.
335
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960
So, I wanted to congratulate you
336
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,960
on the first selfless thing
you've ever done.
337
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,000
Aw! Thank you, baby.
CHUCKLING
338
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,960
But can you stop your face
from morphing shape?
339
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:16,960
Sure.
340
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,640
Hey, do you still hate me
for stuffing up our yoga wine bar?
341
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,960
I don't hate you, Talia.
You're my best friend.
342
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,960
I just needed
a little Talia-free time
343
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
after you didn't pay
your share of the debt.
344
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,480
Oh, no, I spent that
on business things. All business.
345
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,960
You went to Bali
the week before we opened.
346
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,960
Yeah, to de-stress for the business.
347
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:35,960
You know me and business,
348
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,960
I can hardly watch
an episode of Shark Tank
349
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,960
without having a mild panic attack.
350
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,960
Indicate, you maniac,
I'm right here!
351
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,960
Romi, just drive through the cars,
right?
352
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,960
It's fine, trust me.
353
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,960
I don't trust you,
cos your concept of simple physics
354
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,960
has been dramatically altered
by the anaesthetic.
355
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960
I dunno how great her grasp
of simple physics was
356
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
before the anaesthetic.
Oh, my gosh,
357
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,640
egg retrieval was so much more fun
than I thought it'd be.
358
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,960
Let's turn around and do it again!
359
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960
Make sure you save some
for yourself.
360
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960
Oh, I've got heaps, don't worry.
361
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960
Did you hear how many
they got out of me?
362
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,960
Fifteen!
SHE GASPS
363
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,320
That's more than you can get
at Coles. Free-range as well.
364
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,960
Congratulations?
365
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:15,320
Hey, you know, I'm so sorry that
I was such a bad business partner,
366
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,960
and friend, and, you know...
367
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,160
I think I would've totally killed it
as your romantic partner, but...
368
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,640
..you were never really into that,
so...
369
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,800
Thanks for coming.
370
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,960
I know she feels awful
about the 20,000,
371
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,960
and I know
it may not have seemed like it,
372
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,960
but I think that was an apology?
373
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,960
It's actually really nice
to see her.
374
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,960
Thank God that was open.
375
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,960
Look, I can explain why I kicked
your father out of my car.
376
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:52,960
That was gangsta.
377
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
"Gangsta" is very
culturally inappropriate, Gary.
378
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
When it comes to sport,
Dad expects to win.
379
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,960
In fact,
he expects the whole family to win.
380
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,960
One time, when he wanted me to get
into the AFL Under-10s team,
381
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960
he took me on the Kokoda Trail.
382
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960
Few hours in, I got lost.
383
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
I had to make a bed
out of banana leaves
384
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:13,960
and sleep in the jungle.
385
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,000
They found me at 3pm the next day,
386
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,960
totally dehydrated
and only hours from death.
387
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,960
Didn't make the team.
388
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Dad admitted
that he wanted me to get lost,
389
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,480
just to toughen me up.
390
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,160
What a psycho!
391
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,960
And finally, someone's shown me
how to stand up to him.
392
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,960
Thank you.
393
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960
Oh, well, according to Stan...
394
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,960
Don't you quote Stan Grant.
OK.
395
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,960
And if, God forbid,
you die of mesothelioma,
396
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,000
I will tell our child every day what
an amazing woman her mother was,
397
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,960
if it's a she.
398
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,960
Even if I'm a casual racist?
Ex-casual racist.
399
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,480
You've learnt your lesson.
400
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
So, over the past few weeks,
401
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,960
you thought I needed to be cast out
into the wilderness,
402
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,960
kind of like you were
on the Kokoda Trail?
403
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,960
SOFTLY: Oh, shit. I'm my dad.
404
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,960
"And the rest of my estate
goes to my loving wife, Jess."
405
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,960
Thanks, babe, but you know what?
406
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960
I think you're gonna be all right.
No, no, no.
407
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960
I've worked there way too long,
and I've had my pants down
408
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,160
in pretty much
every one of K2's buildings,
409
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,960
which'd give the asbestos
multiple entry points.
410
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
I reckon I'm gonna be
the first person to get mesothelioma
411
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,160
of the dick hole.
412
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,960
PHONE RINGS
413
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,960
Hello?
414
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,480
WOMAN: 'Hi, is this Jess?'
Yep.
415
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:43,960
'Hi, Jess,
it's Emily from Sydney IVF.
416
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960
'Is this a good time to talk?'
Yes.
417
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:46,960
'Can I have your date of birth,
please?'
418
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960
16th of January, 1976.
419
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960
'Great.
We've got two healthy embryos here,
420
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960
'and we're gonna need you to come in
for the transfer in two days' time.'
421
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,640
Wow. Thank you!
422
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,960
'You'll get an email
with the details. Bye.'
423
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,000
Babe, halfway there.
424
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,960
I just hope I'm around long enough.
425
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,960
I promise to tell the kids
what an amazing and caring man
426
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:06,960
their father was.
427
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:07,960
And tell them I was funny.
428
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,960
I'll definitely tell them
you were funny.
429
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,960
And tell them I was a great
rugby league player. Yep.
430
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960
And tell them
that I could've played first grade
431
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,960
if it wasn't for a gammy shoulder.
Yep.
432
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:16,960
It was the gammy shoulder.
433
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,160
And tell them
that the great Wally Lewis
434
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:22,960
once saw me in a trial game,
and he said the immortal words,
435
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:23,960
"That kid's OK."
436
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960
I'll tell them
Wally thought you were OK.
437
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,960
"OK."
438
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,480
That's what I said.
439
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,960
I'm sorry about this morning.
440
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:33,960
I'm sorry about my lead foot.
441
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,960
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
442
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,960
PHONE RINGS
Oh.
443
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,960
Tina.
'Hi, Tina. Rex Sharpe at the EPA.
444
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:43,960
'Just wanted to let you know
445
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,160
'the asbestos
removed from the K2 premises
446
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,800
'has not splintered,
447
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:48,960
'and no fibres have been found
in the air,
448
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960
'so there's nothing to worry about.'
449
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960
Oh, that's great news!
'OK, see you later.'
450
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,960
"Hey, K2 crew, you're not gonna die.
451
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,960
"Well, I mean, you will eventually,
but not from asbestos.
452
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
"Not from OUR asbestos."
453
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,960
Send.
454
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,960
"The asbestos materials
in the ceiling remained intact,
455
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,000
"which means
no-one's been affected."
456
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,960
See?
457
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,640
HE LAUGHS
458
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,320
I'm not gonna die!
459
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,960
And there's a 43% chance
I'm gonna be a dad,
460
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:28,960
but with Gav's jizz,
461
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960
and the eggs of some bird
I've never even banged or seen.
462
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,160
Life's pretty good, eh?
463
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,800
Oh, oh!
464
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,960
Oh, my goodness.
You all right, babe?
465
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,800
I just really thought
I was gonna die.
466
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:47,960
HE SIGHS
467
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,960
PHONE RINGS
468
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960
Vince, hey! I heard from the EPA.
469
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,960
'Yeah, great.
Look, I've just met with the board.
470
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,960
'Obviously, they're not happy
that you elected to tell the staff
471
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,960
'about the asbestos
without proper authorisation, so...'
472
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960
Well, I mean, doing the right thing
473
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,960
doesn't really
require authorisation, Vince.
474
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,960
'K2 always planned
to tell the employees,
475
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,160
'but they wanted to manage
the roll-out of the information,
476
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,000
'so we're terminating
your contract.'
477
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,800
I'm fired?
478
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,960
'December 25 will be your last day
with the company.'
479
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,960
Well, merry fucking Christmas,
Vince.
480
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:36,960
Oh...
481
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:43,960
Soz.
482
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:46,960
Smiley face.
483
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,480
SHE SNORES
484
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,640
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