Original subtitles

You know that mousy security guard at work?

I've decided to sell her my eggs.

Oh, my God, that is so beautiful.

Yeah, it's crazy, I never wanted to have kids,

but if I can bring some joy into your guys' lives,

then I'll feel like I'm giving back, eh?

That means a lot, Gav.

So, the lawyer reckons that we have to prove that Mum was insane

when she made Alison the executor of her will.

The "executor"? It's the "exec-utor" of the will.

Years of hard work and strategic side boob,

all for nothing because I opened my big mouth about the asbestos.

The asbestos is working in my favour. How?

Well, at the moment, Gary thinks I'm a racist who's dying.

If you take away the asbestos, I'm just a racist.

What? Ryan's just clearing out his desktop,

and he sent me pics of the night you and I met.

Look at me. I had the dreads. I look sensational.

No, you didn't, mate.

You look like Travolta in Battlefield Earth.

What?

Well, I thought I looked hot, and that's half the battle, right?

The battle was for me to see the man beneath the dickhead.

I wasn't a dickhead. You were a dickhead.

How was I a dickhead?

Do you want me to go through all the ways you were a dickhead?

Not really. Cos I'm going to. No, you don't...

You went from being a drunken dickhead,

to a drug-addled dickhead, to an "I found God" dickhead.

That's right, I found God! I forgot about that.

Then swinger dickhead, remember him? Bad memories.

Rehab dickhead, relapse dickhead. Yes.

Remorseful dickhead.

Yeah, well, remorseful dickhead wasn't such a bad dickhead.

I liked him. He's a bit of a downer. Yep.

But now, I like to think I'm more of a mature dickhead.

Is that right? Yeah, that is right.

I've learnt a lot the past few months, babe.

Have you? Yeah.

I've learnt that it's unkind to get on rugby league message forums

and anonymously call blokes who disagree with me "flogs". It is.

And making farting noises behind fat people,

while hilarious, is hurtful.

Wow! Where's my husband and what have you done with him?

Has he been kidnapped by aliens?

It's all about being zen, babe.

Whoo! Argh!

Get me outta here! Get me outta here!

MUSIC: 'Green Light' by Lady Bri

# Let's go! Whatcha waitin' for? Ya prayers are already answered

# Do you really want it? Ain't go no time to waste

# Let's go! Green light

# Step on the gas Don't let no-one pass

# Put some pep in ya steps Follow me this way

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light Go

# Do you wanna go, go, go?

# I'mma I'mma run this show

# Oh, oh Do ya wanna go?

# Do ya wanna go?

# Do ya wanna Do ya wanna go? #

Oh, my God, it says here I've got a one in 100,000 chance

of dying under general anaesthetic.

I think they're pretty good odds.

Look, they wouldn't let you do it if they thought you were gonna die.

No, it's even worse!

It says here also I've a one in 10,000 chance

of waking up during surgery, but not being able to move or talk,

so I can just feel every single egg be extracted one by one.

Egg extraction doesn't actually sound that painful.

And what, they're only taking, like, ten eggs.

"Only ten."

That is like having ten periods at the same time!

Oh, my God, this is the worst decision I've ever made.

No way! Because of the good you're doing donating your eggs,

you're gonna wake up karma neutral,

which means you can decide whether to be a good person,

or the kind of person who signs their flatmate up

to the National Rifle Association of Australia.

Oh, but signing you up to the National Rifle Association

brings me actual joy.

I love it when you get that little magazine.

I literally skip back from the post box.

Hey, that might be my last happy memory on Earth.

Don't take that away from me.

Well, if you do die, I'll pray for you,

cos you're gonna need all the help you can get getting into heaven.

Thanks, actually.

I mean, I'd hate to rock up to the gates

and have some sort of angel door bitch be like,

"Mmm, actually, this is a private party,

"and you're not on the guest list."

"You've had too much to drink."

"We're actually at capacity right now."

"You don't meet the dress code."

"Ah, you can't just fuck some random guy in the toilets, Talia.

"Get out of heaven. My God!"

Oh, wow. I'm praying so hard for you.

Ah, God'd actually love me, I reckon.

He just needs the chance to get to know me...

and to exist.

Yeah, so I get up to the counter, and I'm like, " 'Sup? I'm Gav."

And then this nursey-looking chick gives me a jar

I'm supposed to put my jizz into, right?

And she takes me to this room.

And there's a couch over here, and a stack of picture magazines,

and then, like, a filthy old TV

with some, like, '90s porn DVDs there.

She goes, "You've got ten minutes." And then just bails.

So I'm like, "Right-o."

I'm looking at the couch, I'm like,

"Well, I'm not going anywhere near that fucking thing."

Cos it's practically a sperm graveyard.

So I get started on the mags and have a go,

but not much happens there.

It's a bit high-pressure.

I go to the TV, chuck in a DVD, nothing.

Back to the picture mags, still nothing.

Not even the Home Girls section, normally a guarantee. Totally.

Anyway, time's ticking, I'm starting to stress out,

and I'm thinking, "Macca and Jess' entire future

"depends on this moment," you know?

And then I start thinking, like, "Well, the respectful thing to do

"in this situation is think about Jess."

So I did, and I'll have you know

it was a smooth flight from take-off to landing, and I was done,

cleaned up, out of there in eight minutes, 37 seconds.

To be honest, I was probably done in half that time,

but the idea of Jess got me over the finish line twice.

Thank you, Jess.

So you guys got two loads, double the chances. Boom.

I honestly reckon I emptied each nut.

I don't reckon they would've ever seen that much cum.

Yep, all right. Right-o.

Thanks, Gav, it's sweet of you to think of me.

No worries. Are you serious?

Mate, how would you like it if I jerked off over your missus?

I never had a missus.

If you had one, you'd realise you'd broken the code, mate. Twice.

It doesn't how he got there. We got the result we wanted.

Thank you so much for your sperm, Gav.

SNORING

So, Gav's jizz goes into you?

No, it fertilises the donor egg in the lab,

and that donor egg goes into me,

so none of Gav's actual jizz, as you so scientifically put it,

actually goes into me.

But essentially, we're bringing up his kid,

and we're paying for the pleasure.

No, it'll be our kid. But it'll look like Gavin.

Well, my guess is it'll look more like Talia.

Jeez, I hope accents aren't genetic.

Have you heard yourself talk?

No, but I've heard her talk, and trust me,

I do not want my kids calling me "Micca", and you "Jiss".

Sounds like "Jizz". Shut up, Gavin.

Don't talk to me like that. We're gonna have a baby.

CAR HORN HONKS MAN: It's called an indicator!

Thanks for letting me drive. Yeah, you're going well.

You're probably pushing the speed limit a bit. Uh-huh.

Yeah, ever since I found out, it just...

..feels good to be in control, so I need this. I need this.

HE SIGHS

I can't believe he moved in with her.

Well, a woman always knows

when her husband's gonna move back in with his ex-girlfriend.

I just need someone to look after my cat.

I could arrange to have it flown out.

No way, man.

We all saw what happened when Johnny Depp brought his dogs over here.

Ah, Johnny knew the rules.

Doesn't matter anyway. My cat's probably already dead.

She was probably crying for food, but they were making love so loudly

that they couldn't hear.

They were probably making love

just right over her dead little corpse.

Just getting her fur into their crevices

while she said, "Meow-meow-meow-meow!"

HORN HONKS Hey!

Oh! MAN: Pick a lane, doofus!

You and your husband are definitely done?

I've already been through the four stages of grief -

shock, denial, fear,

and then posting pictures of myself on Instagram

where I look incredibly happy.

Still, I guess it must be nice to have someone to,

you know, fool around with when all this shit's happening.

Take your mind off things.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Can you caption that "hashtag morning commute,

"hashtag never been happier", and then upload?

You know what, use the Juno filter.

That's done.

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What filter did you use?

All right, I'm just gonna take...

You used the Lark filter! That is a holiday filter.

SOFTLY: Fuck.

He's gonna know. He's gonna know.

SHE'S gonna know. They're both gonna know.

They're both gonna look at it, and they're gonna know.

They're gonna know that they've destroyed me.

Bit hotter than Lithgow, eh?

Yeah, the summer down here's pretty hot this time of year.

Weather.

Look, I'm really glad you agreed to come down to Sydney.

I really wanted to apologise to you in person...

For all the idiot things you say.

My comments are pretty out there.

They're way out there, and extremely hurtful.

And extremely hurtful. Sorry.

Look, I didn't really wanna do this.

You're not gonna give me a paper cut, are you?

I hired a private investigator to run a background check on you.

My God!

Yeah, your God, all right, and I tell you what,

it makes for some pretty grim reading.

You don't separate your recycling.

You leave hair on the sink. Well, some of that is Mia's.

And take incredibly long showers during a drought.

Well, that's an invasion of privacy.

Yeah, well, so was colonisation, and here we are.

You were once stopped for a police breathalyser

and tried to flee on foot!

In my defence, I was very drunk at the time.

Well, I haven't even read the bad stuff yet.

What bad stuff?

You're not gonna tell Gary, are you? I won't, if you break up with him.

Listen, Brian.

I may be a former casual racist, but I love your son,

and I'm having his baby.

So if you can't accept my apology, you're gonna have to bid me adieu,

cos there's an asbestos scare going on at work,

and I don't know how much longer I have left on this planet,

so exit stage right, Brian.

Are you serious? Get out of the car!

Actually, no, don't get out, people might think I'm a racist.

Actually, no. Get out, but smile.

Try and look empowered.

SOFTLY: Racist.

You're not gonna find anything.

Like, Mum hoarded weird stuff, like broken toasters, owl figurines,

used plastic fast food containers,

not, like, incriminating legal documents.

I just need to find something, anything that we can use

to fight Alison to get our money.

There's nothing. Like what? What?

I don't know. Maybe we could find something to blackmail her with.

Like, remember that time she dressed as Marcia Hines for a costume party?

There must be a photo of that.

No, she's burnt it, she got rid of it.

Evidence gone. OK, let's troll Alison on Facebook.

She blocked me. She's blocked me as well.

DNA test. Maybe Alison isn't even Mum's sister.

Maybe, like, her dad's really that guy Grandpa played golf with,

with all the beehives.

Beehive Jim? Was it Beehive Jim?

I thought it was Beehive Glen.

You know what, who's that no thumb bloke?

He used to come around and do Grandma's hedges.

Fingers. Was it Fingers? Yeah.

I thought Fingers was Great Uncle Greg.

Is Great Uncle Greg dead? He is dead.

What's the last funeral you went to? Mum's.

Oh, that was mine as well. Yeah.

HE SIGHS I need a cheer up.

Hey, you know, we both need a bloody cheer up.

Let's go to the bloody Christmas party.

It's my Christmas party. It'll be fun.

I don't wanna go there.

Lacey's bloody gonna be there,

and I'll be all out of place, we can...

Come on, please, we can sing karaoke together.

BEEPS HORN Karaoke!

Oh, no, I don't like doing karaoke with you.

You always make me do romantic duets.

But they're not romantic.

Islands In The Stream is not romantic.

It's very romantic. They rely on each other.

No, it's two bloody islands in a stream.

It's about global warming. It's pre-empting doom.

Come on, please. Please!

Please! Please! Please!

Please! Please!

Please! Please.

Ple...

# Let's go! #

MAN ON RADIO: It's 9am,

and there's a two-truck crash on Henry Lawson Drive,

and today's the first hot day of summer,

and also the first day of people thinking they look good in shorts.

It's two weeks till Christmas.

My favourite Christmas was when I ate ten gingerbread men

and then spent the rest of the day climbing a tree.

Ah, my 40s.

Please. Please.

Please, Rachel. Please.

Please. No.

I can't believe Mum had Alzheimer's and she didn't tell us.

Maybe she forgot.

Well, yeah, it's a symptom, but I...

I just thought she was going downhill

because she was day drinking.

It does explain a few things, like why she kept calling you

to ask what time The 7.30 Report was on.

I just thought she was being ironic.

You realise what this DOES mean, though?

Yeah, Mum had Alzheimer's, and she was a bit of a bitch.

No, it means Mum gave Alison power of attorney over Mum's will

while Mum had questionable mental competency.

Nice, Velma from Scooby-Doo.

What it means is we have a strong case

to remove her as executor.

There's no way Mum would've put her in charge

if she was in her right mind.

Right, cos she drove her up the wall.

Remember, she used to put the bloody milk in the bowl

before the cereal.

Sociopath! That is sociopathy.

You did it, Rach. We're gonna get the bloody ka-ching!

Fuck yeah! Whoo! Karaoke?

Please. Please.

Please! Please, Rach. Please!

OK. Are you serious right now with karaoke?

I'm absolutely serious, I'm gonna do karaoke with you.

# Karaoke people, karaoke people! #

We're moving. Why are we moving?

A second ago, I was laying on a bed...

Oh! I've jumped through the space-time continuum again,

haven't I?

Again? Oh, my God!

Oh, my two carpooling realities have morphed into one dimension.

No, I told Simoni what a nice thing you did, giving Jess your eggs.

So, I wanted to congratulate you

on the first selfless thing you've ever done.

Aw! Thank you, baby. CHUCKLING

But can you stop your face from morphing shape?

Sure.

Hey, do you still hate me for stuffing up our yoga wine bar?

I don't hate you, Talia. You're my best friend.

I just needed a little Talia-free time

after you didn't pay your share of the debt.

Oh, no, I spent that on business things. All business.

You went to Bali the week before we opened.

Yeah, to de-stress for the business.

You know me and business,

I can hardly watch an episode of Shark Tank

without having a mild panic attack.

Indicate, you maniac, I'm right here!

Romi, just drive through the cars, right?

It's fine, trust me.

I don't trust you, cos your concept of simple physics

has been dramatically altered by the anaesthetic.

I dunno how great her grasp of simple physics was

before the anaesthetic. Oh, my gosh,

egg retrieval was so much more fun than I thought it'd be.

Let's turn around and do it again!

Make sure you save some for yourself.

Oh, I've got heaps, don't worry.

Did you hear how many they got out of me?

Fifteen! SHE GASPS

That's more than you can get at Coles. Free-range as well.

Congratulations?

Hey, you know, I'm so sorry that I was such a bad business partner,

and friend, and, you know...

I think I would've totally killed it as your romantic partner, but...

..you were never really into that, so...

Thanks for coming.

I know she feels awful about the 20,000,

and I know it may not have seemed like it,

but I think that was an apology?

It's actually really nice to see her.

Thank God that was open.

Look, I can explain why I kicked your father out of my car.

That was gangsta.

"Gangsta" is very culturally inappropriate, Gary.

When it comes to sport, Dad expects to win.

In fact, he expects the whole family to win.

One time, when he wanted me to get into the AFL Under-10s team,

he took me on the Kokoda Trail.

Few hours in, I got lost.

I had to make a bed out of banana leaves

and sleep in the jungle.

They found me at 3pm the next day,

totally dehydrated and only hours from death.

Didn't make the team.

Dad admitted that he wanted me to get lost,

just to toughen me up.

What a psycho!

And finally, someone's shown me how to stand up to him.

Thank you.

Oh, well, according to Stan...

Don't you quote Stan Grant. OK.

And if, God forbid, you die of mesothelioma,

I will tell our child every day what an amazing woman her mother was,

if it's a she.

Even if I'm a casual racist? Ex-casual racist.

You've learnt your lesson.

So, over the past few weeks,

you thought I needed to be cast out into the wilderness,

kind of like you were on the Kokoda Trail?

SOFTLY: Oh, shit. I'm my dad.

"And the rest of my estate goes to my loving wife, Jess."

Thanks, babe, but you know what?

I think you're gonna be all right. No, no, no.

I've worked there way too long, and I've had my pants down

in pretty much every one of K2's buildings,

which'd give the asbestos multiple entry points.

I reckon I'm gonna be the first person to get mesothelioma

of the dick hole.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

WOMAN: 'Hi, is this Jess?' Yep.

'Hi, Jess, it's Emily from Sydney IVF.

'Is this a good time to talk?' Yes.

'Can I have your date of birth, please?'

16th of January, 1976.

'Great. We've got two healthy embryos here,

'and we're gonna need you to come in for the transfer in two days' time.'

Wow. Thank you!

'You'll get an email with the details. Bye.'

Babe, halfway there.

I just hope I'm around long enough.

I promise to tell the kids what an amazing and caring man

their father was.

And tell them I was funny.

I'll definitely tell them you were funny.

And tell them I was a great rugby league player. Yep.

And tell them that I could've played first grade

if it wasn't for a gammy shoulder. Yep.

It was the gammy shoulder.

And tell them that the great Wally Lewis

once saw me in a trial game, and he said the immortal words,

"That kid's OK."

I'll tell them Wally thought you were OK.

"OK."

That's what I said.

I'm sorry about this morning.

I'm sorry about my lead foot.

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

PHONE RINGS Oh.

Tina. 'Hi, Tina. Rex Sharpe at the EPA.

'Just wanted to let you know

'the asbestos removed from the K2 premises

'has not splintered,

'and no fibres have been found in the air,

'so there's nothing to worry about.'

Oh, that's great news! 'OK, see you later.'

"Hey, K2 crew, you're not gonna die.

"Well, I mean, you will eventually, but not from asbestos.

"Not from OUR asbestos."

Send.

"The asbestos materials in the ceiling remained intact,

"which means no-one's been affected."

See?

HE LAUGHS

I'm not gonna die!

And there's a 43% chance I'm gonna be a dad,

but with Gav's jizz,

and the eggs of some bird I've never even banged or seen.

Life's pretty good, eh?

Oh, oh!

Oh, my goodness. You all right, babe?

I just really thought I was gonna die.

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Vince, hey! I heard from the EPA.

'Yeah, great. Look, I've just met with the board.

'Obviously, they're not happy that you elected to tell the staff

'about the asbestos without proper authorisation, so...'

Well, I mean, doing the right thing

doesn't really require authorisation, Vince.

'K2 always planned to tell the employees,

'but they wanted to manage the roll-out of the information,

'so we're terminating your contract.'

I'm fired?

'December 25 will be your last day with the company.'

Well, merry fucking Christmas, Vince.

Oh...

Soz.

Smiley face.

SHE SNORES

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