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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:02,960 You know that mousy security guard at work? 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,960 I've decided to sell her my eggs. 3 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,960 Oh, my God, that is so beautiful. 4 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960 Yeah, it's crazy, I never wanted to have kids, 5 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,960 but if I can bring some joy into your guys' lives, 6 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:14,960 then I'll feel like I'm giving back, eh? 7 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,320 That means a lot, Gav. 8 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,960 So, the lawyer reckons that we have to prove that Mum was insane 9 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960 when she made Alison the executor of her will. 10 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,960 The "executor"? It's the "exec-utor" of the will. 11 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,800 Years of hard work and strategic side boob, 12 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,000 all for nothing because I opened my big mouth about the asbestos. 13 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,960 The asbestos is working in my favour. How? 14 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,160 Well, at the moment, Gary thinks I'm a racist who's dying. 15 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:43,960 If you take away the asbestos, I'm just a racist. 16 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,960 What? Ryan's just clearing out his desktop, 17 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,960 and he sent me pics of the night you and I met. 18 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,960 Look at me. I had the dreads. I look sensational. 19 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960 No, you didn't, mate. 20 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,960 You look like Travolta in Battlefield Earth. 21 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:58,960 What? 22 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,960 Well, I thought I looked hot, and that's half the battle, right? 23 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,960 The battle was for me to see the man beneath the dickhead. 24 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,480 I wasn't a dickhead. You were a dickhead. 25 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:07,640 How was I a dickhead? 26 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,960 Do you want me to go through all the ways you were a dickhead? 27 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,960 Not really. Cos I'm going to. No, you don't... 28 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,800 You went from being a drunken dickhead, 29 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,960 to a drug-addled dickhead, to an "I found God" dickhead. 30 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:18,960 That's right, I found God! I forgot about that. 31 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,960 Then swinger dickhead, remember him? Bad memories. 32 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960 Rehab dickhead, relapse dickhead. Yes. 33 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960 Remorseful dickhead. 34 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960 Yeah, well, remorseful dickhead wasn't such a bad dickhead. 35 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,960 I liked him. He's a bit of a downer. Yep. 36 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,640 But now, I like to think I'm more of a mature dickhead. 37 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,480 Is that right? Yeah, that is right. 38 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,960 I've learnt a lot the past few months, babe. 39 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960 Have you? Yeah. 40 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,960 I've learnt that it's unkind to get on rugby league message forums 41 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,960 and anonymously call blokes who disagree with me "flogs". It is. 42 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,960 And making farting noises behind fat people, 43 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,960 while hilarious, is hurtful. 44 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,960 Wow! Where's my husband and what have you done with him? 45 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,480 Has he been kidnapped by aliens? 46 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:55,960 It's all about being zen, babe. 47 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,960 Whoo! Argh! 48 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:58,960 Get me outta here! Get me outta here! 49 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,960 MUSIC: 'Green Light' by Lady Bri 50 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,960 # Let's go! Whatcha waitin' for? Ya prayers are already answered 51 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960 # Do you really want it? Ain't go no time to waste 52 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,960 # Let's go! Green light 53 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,960 # Step on the gas Don't let no-one pass 54 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960 # Put some pep in ya steps Follow me this way 55 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:13,960 # Red light, green light 56 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,960 # Red light, green light 57 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960 # Red light, green light Go 58 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,960 # Do you wanna go, go, go? 59 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,960 # I'mma I'mma run this show 60 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,960 # Oh, oh Do ya wanna go? 61 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,960 # Do ya wanna go? 62 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,960 # Do ya wanna Do ya wanna go? # 63 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,960 Oh, my God, it says here I've got a one in 100,000 chance 64 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960 of dying under general anaesthetic. 65 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960 I think they're pretty good odds. 66 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,960 Look, they wouldn't let you do it if they thought you were gonna die. 67 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:42,960 No, it's even worse! 68 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960 It says here also I've a one in 10,000 chance 69 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,960 of waking up during surgery, but not being able to move or talk, 70 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,800 so I can just feel every single egg be extracted one by one. 71 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,960 Egg extraction doesn't actually sound that painful. 72 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,320 And what, they're only taking, like, ten eggs. 73 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,960 "Only ten." 74 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,960 That is like having ten periods at the same time! 75 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,960 Oh, my God, this is the worst decision I've ever made. 76 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,960 No way! Because of the good you're doing donating your eggs, 77 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,960 you're gonna wake up karma neutral, 78 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960 which means you can decide whether to be a good person, 79 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960 or the kind of person who signs their flatmate up 80 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,320 to the National Rifle Association of Australia. 81 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,000 Oh, but signing you up to the National Rifle Association 82 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,960 brings me actual joy. 83 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,000 I love it when you get that little magazine. 84 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,960 I literally skip back from the post box. 85 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,960 Hey, that might be my last happy memory on Earth. 86 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,640 Don't take that away from me. 87 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:31,960 Well, if you do die, I'll pray for you, 88 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960 cos you're gonna need all the help you can get getting into heaven. 89 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:35,960 Thanks, actually. 90 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960 I mean, I'd hate to rock up to the gates 91 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,960 and have some sort of angel door bitch be like, 92 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960 "Mmm, actually, this is a private party, 93 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,960 "and you're not on the guest list." 94 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:44,960 "You've had too much to drink." 95 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960 "We're actually at capacity right now." 96 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,960 "You don't meet the dress code." 97 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,160 "Ah, you can't just fuck some random guy in the toilets, Talia. 98 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,960 "Get out of heaven. My God!" 99 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,000 Oh, wow. I'm praying so hard for you. 100 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,960 Ah, God'd actually love me, I reckon. 101 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,960 He just needs the chance to get to know me... 102 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,960 and to exist. 103 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,960 Yeah, so I get up to the counter, and I'm like, " 'Sup? I'm Gav." 104 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,960 And then this nursey-looking chick gives me a jar 105 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,960 I'm supposed to put my jizz into, right? 106 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:12,960 And she takes me to this room. 107 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,960 And there's a couch over here, and a stack of picture magazines, 108 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:16,960 and then, like, a filthy old TV 109 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960 with some, like, '90s porn DVDs there. 110 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960 She goes, "You've got ten minutes." And then just bails. 111 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:22,960 So I'm like, "Right-o." 112 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960 I'm looking at the couch, I'm like, 113 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960 "Well, I'm not going anywhere near that fucking thing." 114 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960 Cos it's practically a sperm graveyard. 115 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,640 So I get started on the mags and have a go, 116 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:32,960 but not much happens there. 117 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:33,960 It's a bit high-pressure. 118 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,960 I go to the TV, chuck in a DVD, nothing. 119 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:37,960 Back to the picture mags, still nothing. 120 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,960 Not even the Home Girls section, normally a guarantee. Totally. 121 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,960 Anyway, time's ticking, I'm starting to stress out, 122 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,960 and I'm thinking, "Macca and Jess' entire future 123 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,960 "depends on this moment," you know? 124 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,320 And then I start thinking, like, "Well, the respectful thing to do 125 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,960 "in this situation is think about Jess." 126 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,960 So I did, and I'll have you know 127 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,960 it was a smooth flight from take-off to landing, and I was done, 128 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,640 cleaned up, out of there in eight minutes, 37 seconds. 129 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,960 To be honest, I was probably done in half that time, 130 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,960 but the idea of Jess got me over the finish line twice. 131 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960 Thank you, Jess. 132 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,960 So you guys got two loads, double the chances. Boom. 133 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,960 I honestly reckon I emptied each nut. 134 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960 I don't reckon they would've ever seen that much cum. 135 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:14,960 Yep, all right. Right-o. 136 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960 Thanks, Gav, it's sweet of you to think of me. 137 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960 No worries. Are you serious? 138 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,640 Mate, how would you like it if I jerked off over your missus? 139 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,800 I never had a missus. 140 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,960 If you had one, you'd realise you'd broken the code, mate. Twice. 141 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,960 It doesn't how he got there. We got the result we wanted. 142 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960 Thank you so much for your sperm, Gav. 143 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:32,960 SNORING 144 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,960 So, Gav's jizz goes into you? 145 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,960 No, it fertilises the donor egg in the lab, 146 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960 and that donor egg goes into me, 147 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,960 so none of Gav's actual jizz, as you so scientifically put it, 148 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,960 actually goes into me. 149 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,960 But essentially, we're bringing up his kid, 150 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,320 and we're paying for the pleasure. 151 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,320 No, it'll be our kid. But it'll look like Gavin. 152 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,960 Well, my guess is it'll look more like Talia. 153 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,320 Jeez, I hope accents aren't genetic. 154 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,960 Have you heard yourself talk? 155 00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,960 No, but I've heard her talk, and trust me, 156 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,960 I do not want my kids calling me "Micca", and you "Jiss". 157 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,960 Sounds like "Jizz". Shut up, Gavin. 158 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,960 Don't talk to me like that. We're gonna have a baby. 159 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,960 CAR HORN HONKS MAN: It's called an indicator! 160 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,960 Thanks for letting me drive. Yeah, you're going well. 161 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960 You're probably pushing the speed limit a bit. Uh-huh. 162 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960 Yeah, ever since I found out, it just... 163 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:26,960 ..feels good to be in control, so I need this. I need this. 164 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:27,960 HE SIGHS 165 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,960 I can't believe he moved in with her. 166 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,960 Well, a woman always knows 167 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,960 when her husband's gonna move back in with his ex-girlfriend. 168 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,000 I just need someone to look after my cat. 169 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,000 I could arrange to have it flown out. 170 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,640 No way, man. 171 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,960 We all saw what happened when Johnny Depp brought his dogs over here. 172 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,320 Ah, Johnny knew the rules. 173 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,960 Doesn't matter anyway. My cat's probably already dead. 174 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:54,960 She was probably crying for food, but they were making love so loudly 175 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,480 that they couldn't hear. 176 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:57,960 They were probably making love 177 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,960 just right over her dead little corpse. 178 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,640 Just getting her fur into their crevices 179 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,960 while she said, "Meow-meow-meow-meow!" 180 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,800 HORN HONKS Hey! 181 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,960 Oh! MAN: Pick a lane, doofus! 182 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,960 You and your husband are definitely done? 183 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,960 I've already been through the four stages of grief - 184 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,960 shock, denial, fear, 185 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,960 and then posting pictures of myself on Instagram 186 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,960 where I look incredibly happy. 187 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,960 Still, I guess it must be nice to have someone to, 188 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,960 you know, fool around with when all this shit's happening. 189 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:28,960 Take your mind off things. 190 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,960 CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS 191 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,960 Can you caption that "hashtag morning commute, 192 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,960 "hashtag never been happier", and then upload? 193 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,960 You know what, use the Juno filter. 194 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,960 That's done. 195 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960 Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 196 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,960 What filter did you use? 197 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:52,960 All right, I'm just gonna take... 198 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,960 You used the Lark filter! That is a holiday filter. 199 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,320 SOFTLY: Fuck. 200 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,320 He's gonna know. He's gonna know. 201 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,960 SHE'S gonna know. They're both gonna know. 202 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,960 They're both gonna look at it, and they're gonna know. 203 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,000 They're gonna know that they've destroyed me. 204 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,960 Bit hotter than Lithgow, eh? 205 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:24,960 Yeah, the summer down here's pretty hot this time of year. 206 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:31,960 Weather. 207 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:40,960 Look, I'm really glad you agreed to come down to Sydney. 208 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,960 I really wanted to apologise to you in person... 209 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,960 For all the idiot things you say. 210 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,000 My comments are pretty out there. 211 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,960 They're way out there, and extremely hurtful. 212 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,320 And extremely hurtful. Sorry. 213 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960 Look, I didn't really wanna do this. 214 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,960 You're not gonna give me a paper cut, are you? 215 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,960 I hired a private investigator to run a background check on you. 216 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960 My God! 217 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960 Yeah, your God, all right, and I tell you what, 218 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,960 it makes for some pretty grim reading. 219 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,960 You don't separate your recycling. 220 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,320 You leave hair on the sink. Well, some of that is Mia's. 221 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,960 And take incredibly long showers during a drought. 222 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,640 Well, that's an invasion of privacy. 223 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,480 Yeah, well, so was colonisation, and here we are. 224 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,000 You were once stopped for a police breathalyser 225 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,960 and tried to flee on foot! 226 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,960 In my defence, I was very drunk at the time. 227 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,960 Well, I haven't even read the bad stuff yet. 228 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,960 What bad stuff? 229 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,960 You're not gonna tell Gary, are you? I won't, if you break up with him. 230 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,960 Listen, Brian. 231 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:52,960 I may be a former casual racist, but I love your son, 232 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,000 and I'm having his baby. 233 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:59,640 So if you can't accept my apology, you're gonna have to bid me adieu, 234 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,960 cos there's an asbestos scare going on at work, 235 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,960 and I don't know how much longer I have left on this planet, 236 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,960 so exit stage right, Brian. 237 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,960 Are you serious? Get out of the car! 238 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,960 Actually, no, don't get out, people might think I'm a racist. 239 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,960 Actually, no. Get out, but smile. 240 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,960 Try and look empowered. 241 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:19,960 SOFTLY: Racist. 242 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:24,960 You're not gonna find anything. 243 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:29,960 Like, Mum hoarded weird stuff, like broken toasters, owl figurines, 244 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,960 used plastic fast food containers, 245 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,960 not, like, incriminating legal documents. 246 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960 I just need to find something, anything that we can use 247 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,960 to fight Alison to get our money. 248 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,960 There's nothing. Like what? What? 249 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,800 I don't know. Maybe we could find something to blackmail her with. 250 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,640 Like, remember that time she dressed as Marcia Hines for a costume party? 251 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,960 There must be a photo of that. 252 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:48,960 No, she's burnt it, she got rid of it. 253 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,960 Evidence gone. OK, let's troll Alison on Facebook. 254 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,000 She blocked me. She's blocked me as well. 255 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,960 DNA test. Maybe Alison isn't even Mum's sister. 256 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,960 Maybe, like, her dad's really that guy Grandpa played golf with, 257 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,640 with all the beehives. 258 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,960 Beehive Jim? Was it Beehive Jim? 259 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:05,960 I thought it was Beehive Glen. 260 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960 You know what, who's that no thumb bloke? 261 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,000 He used to come around and do Grandma's hedges. 262 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,160 Fingers. Was it Fingers? Yeah. 263 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,960 I thought Fingers was Great Uncle Greg. 264 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,960 Is Great Uncle Greg dead? He is dead. 265 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,000 What's the last funeral you went to? Mum's. 266 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,000 Oh, that was mine as well. Yeah. 267 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,640 HE SIGHS I need a cheer up. 268 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,640 Hey, you know, we both need a bloody cheer up. 269 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,480 Let's go to the bloody Christmas party. 270 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,480 It's my Christmas party. It'll be fun. 271 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,960 I don't wanna go there. 272 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,960 Lacey's bloody gonna be there, 273 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:34,960 and I'll be all out of place, we can... 274 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,640 Come on, please, we can sing karaoke together. 275 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:38,960 BEEPS HORN Karaoke! 276 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960 Oh, no, I don't like doing karaoke with you. 277 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960 You always make me do romantic duets. 278 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:43,960 But they're not romantic. 279 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,960 Islands In The Stream is not romantic. 280 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,960 It's very romantic. They rely on each other. 281 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960 No, it's two bloody islands in a stream. 282 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,960 It's about global warming. It's pre-empting doom. 283 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,960 Come on, please. Please! 284 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,960 Please! Please! Please! 285 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,960 Please! Please! 286 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960 Please! Please. 287 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,960 Ple... 288 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:06,960 # Let's go! # 289 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:07,960 MAN ON RADIO: It's 9am, 290 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,960 and there's a two-truck crash on Henry Lawson Drive, 291 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,960 and today's the first hot day of summer, 292 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,960 and also the first day of people thinking they look good in shorts. 293 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960 It's two weeks till Christmas. 294 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,960 My favourite Christmas was when I ate ten gingerbread men 295 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,960 and then spent the rest of the day climbing a tree. 296 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:24,960 Ah, my 40s. 297 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960 Please. Please. 298 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960 Please, Rachel. Please. 299 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,800 Please. No. 300 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,480 I can't believe Mum had Alzheimer's and she didn't tell us. 301 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,960 Maybe she forgot. 302 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,960 Well, yeah, it's a symptom, but I... 303 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,960 I just thought she was going downhill 304 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:41,960 because she was day drinking. 305 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,800 It does explain a few things, like why she kept calling you 306 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,960 to ask what time The 7.30 Report was on. 307 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960 I just thought she was being ironic. 308 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960 You realise what this DOES mean, though? 309 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,800 Yeah, Mum had Alzheimer's, and she was a bit of a bitch. 310 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,960 No, it means Mum gave Alison power of attorney over Mum's will 311 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,960 while Mum had questionable mental competency. 312 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,960 Nice, Velma from Scooby-Doo. 313 00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960 What it means is we have a strong case 314 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:05,960 to remove her as executor. 315 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,960 There's no way Mum would've put her in charge 316 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,960 if she was in her right mind. 317 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:10,960 Right, cos she drove her up the wall. 318 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960 Remember, she used to put the bloody milk in the bowl 319 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960 before the cereal. 320 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:15,960 Sociopath! That is sociopathy. 321 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,160 You did it, Rach. We're gonna get the bloody ka-ching! 322 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,960 Fuck yeah! Whoo! Karaoke? 323 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,960 Please. Please. 324 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,960 Please! Please, Rach. Please! 325 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,960 OK. Are you serious right now with karaoke? 326 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,000 I'm absolutely serious, I'm gonna do karaoke with you. 327 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,960 # Karaoke people, karaoke people! # 328 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,960 We're moving. Why are we moving? 329 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,960 A second ago, I was laying on a bed... 330 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,960 Oh! I've jumped through the space-time continuum again, 331 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:56,960 haven't I? 332 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,480 Again? Oh, my God! 333 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,960 Oh, my two carpooling realities have morphed into one dimension. 334 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,960 No, I told Simoni what a nice thing you did, giving Jess your eggs. 335 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,960 So, I wanted to congratulate you 336 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,960 on the first selfless thing you've ever done. 337 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,000 Aw! Thank you, baby. CHUCKLING 338 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,960 But can you stop your face from morphing shape? 339 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:16,960 Sure. 340 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,640 Hey, do you still hate me for stuffing up our yoga wine bar? 341 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,960 I don't hate you, Talia. You're my best friend. 342 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,960 I just needed a little Talia-free time 343 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960 after you didn't pay your share of the debt. 344 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,480 Oh, no, I spent that on business things. All business. 345 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,960 You went to Bali the week before we opened. 346 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,960 Yeah, to de-stress for the business. 347 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:35,960 You know me and business, 348 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,960 I can hardly watch an episode of Shark Tank 349 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,960 without having a mild panic attack. 350 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,960 Indicate, you maniac, I'm right here! 351 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,960 Romi, just drive through the cars, right? 352 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,960 It's fine, trust me. 353 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,960 I don't trust you, cos your concept of simple physics 354 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,960 has been dramatically altered by the anaesthetic. 355 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960 I dunno how great her grasp of simple physics was 356 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960 before the anaesthetic. Oh, my gosh, 357 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,640 egg retrieval was so much more fun than I thought it'd be. 358 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,960 Let's turn around and do it again! 359 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960 Make sure you save some for yourself. 360 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960 Oh, I've got heaps, don't worry. 361 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960 Did you hear how many they got out of me? 362 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,960 Fifteen! SHE GASPS 363 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,320 That's more than you can get at Coles. Free-range as well. 364 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,960 Congratulations? 365 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:15,320 Hey, you know, I'm so sorry that I was such a bad business partner, 366 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,960 and friend, and, you know... 367 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,160 I think I would've totally killed it as your romantic partner, but... 368 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,640 ..you were never really into that, so... 369 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,800 Thanks for coming. 370 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,960 I know she feels awful about the 20,000, 371 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,960 and I know it may not have seemed like it, 372 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,960 but I think that was an apology? 373 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,960 It's actually really nice to see her. 374 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,960 Thank God that was open. 375 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,960 Look, I can explain why I kicked your father out of my car. 376 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:52,960 That was gangsta. 377 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960 "Gangsta" is very culturally inappropriate, Gary. 378 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960 When it comes to sport, Dad expects to win. 379 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,960 In fact, he expects the whole family to win. 380 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,960 One time, when he wanted me to get into the AFL Under-10s team, 381 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960 he took me on the Kokoda Trail. 382 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960 Few hours in, I got lost. 383 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960 I had to make a bed out of banana leaves 384 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:13,960 and sleep in the jungle. 385 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,000 They found me at 3pm the next day, 386 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,960 totally dehydrated and only hours from death. 387 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,960 Didn't make the team. 388 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960 Dad admitted that he wanted me to get lost, 389 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,480 just to toughen me up. 390 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,160 What a psycho! 391 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,960 And finally, someone's shown me how to stand up to him. 392 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,960 Thank you. 393 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960 Oh, well, according to Stan... 394 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,960 Don't you quote Stan Grant. OK. 395 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,960 And if, God forbid, you die of mesothelioma, 396 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,000 I will tell our child every day what an amazing woman her mother was, 397 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,960 if it's a she. 398 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,960 Even if I'm a casual racist? Ex-casual racist. 399 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,480 You've learnt your lesson. 400 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960 So, over the past few weeks, 401 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,960 you thought I needed to be cast out into the wilderness, 402 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,960 kind of like you were on the Kokoda Trail? 403 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,960 SOFTLY: Oh, shit. I'm my dad. 404 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,960 "And the rest of my estate goes to my loving wife, Jess." 405 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,960 Thanks, babe, but you know what? 406 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960 I think you're gonna be all right. No, no, no. 407 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960 I've worked there way too long, and I've had my pants down 408 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,160 in pretty much every one of K2's buildings, 409 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,960 which'd give the asbestos multiple entry points. 410 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960 I reckon I'm gonna be the first person to get mesothelioma 411 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,160 of the dick hole. 412 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,960 PHONE RINGS 413 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,960 Hello? 414 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,480 WOMAN: 'Hi, is this Jess?' Yep. 415 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:43,960 'Hi, Jess, it's Emily from Sydney IVF. 416 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960 'Is this a good time to talk?' Yes. 417 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:46,960 'Can I have your date of birth, please?' 418 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960 16th of January, 1976. 419 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960 'Great. We've got two healthy embryos here, 420 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960 'and we're gonna need you to come in for the transfer in two days' time.' 421 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,640 Wow. Thank you! 422 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,960 'You'll get an email with the details. Bye.' 423 00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,000 Babe, halfway there. 424 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,960 I just hope I'm around long enough. 425 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,960 I promise to tell the kids what an amazing and caring man 426 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:06,960 their father was. 427 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:07,960 And tell them I was funny. 428 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,960 I'll definitely tell them you were funny. 429 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,960 And tell them I was a great rugby league player. Yep. 430 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960 And tell them that I could've played first grade 431 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,960 if it wasn't for a gammy shoulder. Yep. 432 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:16,960 It was the gammy shoulder. 433 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,160 And tell them that the great Wally Lewis 434 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:22,960 once saw me in a trial game, and he said the immortal words, 435 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:23,960 "That kid's OK." 436 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960 I'll tell them Wally thought you were OK. 437 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:27,960 "OK." 438 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,480 That's what I said. 439 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,960 I'm sorry about this morning. 440 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:33,960 I'm sorry about my lead foot. 441 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,960 It's fine. Don't worry about it. 442 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,960 PHONE RINGS Oh. 443 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,960 Tina. 'Hi, Tina. Rex Sharpe at the EPA. 444 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:43,960 'Just wanted to let you know 445 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,160 'the asbestos removed from the K2 premises 446 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,800 'has not splintered, 447 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:48,960 'and no fibres have been found in the air, 448 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960 'so there's nothing to worry about.' 449 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960 Oh, that's great news! 'OK, see you later.' 450 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,960 "Hey, K2 crew, you're not gonna die. 451 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,960 "Well, I mean, you will eventually, but not from asbestos. 452 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960 "Not from OUR asbestos." 453 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,960 Send. 454 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,960 "The asbestos materials in the ceiling remained intact, 455 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,000 "which means no-one's been affected." 456 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,960 See? 457 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,640 HE LAUGHS 458 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,320 I'm not gonna die! 459 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,960 And there's a 43% chance I'm gonna be a dad, 460 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:28,960 but with Gav's jizz, 461 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960 and the eggs of some bird I've never even banged or seen. 462 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,160 Life's pretty good, eh? 463 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,800 Oh, oh! 464 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,960 Oh, my goodness. You all right, babe? 465 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,800 I just really thought I was gonna die. 466 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:47,960 HE SIGHS 467 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,960 PHONE RINGS 468 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960 Vince, hey! I heard from the EPA. 469 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,960 'Yeah, great. Look, I've just met with the board. 470 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,960 'Obviously, they're not happy that you elected to tell the staff 471 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,960 'about the asbestos without proper authorisation, so...' 472 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960 Well, I mean, doing the right thing 473 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,960 doesn't really require authorisation, Vince. 474 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,960 'K2 always planned to tell the employees, 475 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,160 'but they wanted to manage the roll-out of the information, 476 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,000 'so we're terminating your contract.' 477 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,800 I'm fired? 478 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,960 'December 25 will be your last day with the company.' 479 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,960 Well, merry fucking Christmas, Vince. 480 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:36,960 Oh... 481 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:43,960 Soz. 482 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:46,960 Smiley face. 483 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,480 SHE SNORES 484 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,640 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 38137

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