Original subtitles

SHE COUGHS

It's probably the asbestos people were saying they found at work.

I don't know how much time I have left.

I think your dad was having a cheeky crack at my mum.

Oh, my God.

So, are you gay?

No. Yes. Yes, I am.

Can I ask you a question?

I'm not gay. OK, yeah.

The doctor thinks I'd be a poor IVF candidate.

And I'm infertile.

Well, my staff hates me, my husband's cheating on me,

but I do have a great driver,

and I happen to have an amazing bolognaise sauce at my house

that he's welcome to sample if he'd like.

This couldn't come at a worse financial time.

How many thousands of dollars do I have to spend at the vet,

retrieving things from your lower colon?

It's disgusting. Who eats a whole bauble?

A whole bauble? Tinsel? What's nice about tinsel?

If we cut you open, you'd be like a bloody...

It'd be like a discotheque inside your bloody stomach.

What a disgusting scene that is.

God, how many weird things can you eat?

My car keys, gone.

Bag of marbles, gone.

All of Daddy's Lego men, gone.

Remember the next day, I looked out in the bloody back garden,

these little poos everywhere with, like, little...

It was like Pompeii.

There were, like, little Lego men, like, half-submerged,

just, like, dying in stasis, embedded inside your turds.

BARNEY PANTS You little shitbag.

Love you, though.

BARNEY WHIMPERS Love you.

# Let's go! Whatcha waitin' for?

# Your prayers are already answered

# Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste

# Let's go Green light, step on the gas

# Don't let no-one pass

# Put some pep in your step Follow me, this way

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light, go

# Do you wanna go, go, go?

# I'ma, I'ma run this show

# Red light Oh, do you wanna go?

# Green light Do you wanna go?

# Hey! Do you wanna Do you wanna go? #

I'm the one who's supposed to be experimenting

with sex and relationships, not my parents! Yeah.

I mean, I just don't even understand swinging, right?

It's like taking the most fun bit out of having an affair,

the lying!

Here I was, prepared to comfort my mum

after my dad made out with your mum,

but then my mum goes and puts her hand on your dad's knee.

It's, like, out of control.

You know what the most disgusting bit about it is? Mm.

Is that it's not even love, right?

They just see each other as these, like, sex objects.

It's not even cute.

Speaking of...

Guy told me he loves me. TALIA GASPS

EMAIL ALERT Did you say it back?

It was too awkward not to.

Ew! What, you thinking about Guy's stank?

CEO just sent me an email

with a different idea on the promotional video

we've already signed off on.

Why does the CEO send you emails?

Because I'm Acting Marketing Director.

Oh, yeah! You're important.

I always forget that because of your eczema.

She wants to refer to the employees as "The K2 Crew".

Gross!

I think that's great. Ah!

It's cool. We are a crew, man. Uh...

Hey, I've been resenting you quite a bit lately.

What? Yeah.

Because you've got this amazing job,

you're so in love with this stinky guy,

you're not caring about anything.

Enough. I'm the only one allowed to make fun of Guy's stank.

You've found happiness, I haven't. That's how it works.

I'm allowed to make fun of you and whatever person makes you happy.

You have a dark heart, Talia. TALIA CHUCKLES

Oh, you know what's gonna really suit you?

Is one of those, like, oxygen masks

and those tanks that you wheel around

when the asbestos gets to you.

It would suit me.

It'd give me higher status because I'd be sick.

I'd get a better car spot at work,

men would stop interrupting me at meetings,

and Dad would be so grief-stricken,

he wouldn't be able to maintain an erection while fucking your mum.

You've hardly said a word in 24 hours.

Don't worry, babe. It's nothing to do with you.

Well, just don't infect the car with your bad attitude.

If we've got any chance of attracting a baby into our lives,

we need to keep it light.

"Attracting a baby into our lives"?

You make it sound like we're trying to trap a beaver.

What's your problem?

HE SIGHS

You know that carrot cake you lovingly baked for me?

I did bake it lovingly. Yeah.

Well, I took a slice of it into work yesterday, ate it.

Beautiful. Thank you.

Then when I returned to my desk,

look what I found Blu-tacked to my chalkboard.

It's a photograph of a dick

quietly resting on the piece of cake I just ate.

GIGGLING: I can see what it is.

Talk about having your cock and eating it too.

Ha-ha! I feel sick.

Ah, although it's disgusting, you're not gonna catch anything.

I mean, I never have.

When I find out whose dick it was, I'm gonna rip their dick off

and shove it down their throat so far, they'll be drowning in dick.

I'm gonna look even harder at the urinals,

and whoever owns this dick...

Oh, that's Jonno's from maintenance.

What?

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

Maybe you should examine why you've got so much anger.

HE SIGHS Maybe it's all this baby stuff.

God! I never thought I'd be that guy.

Well, would it make you a little less angry

if I told you I finally found someone to donate her eggs?

Bullshit. No bullshit.

Babe, that's great! Mm-hm.

What's she like?

Tall, er... funny, brunette.

OK, cool. Quick question...

Would I bang her?

That's offensive and irrelevant.

I agree it's slightly offensive, but it's not irrelevant.

I need to know whether I'd bang her,

otherwise, we're screwing with the laws of nature.

It's totally offensive and completely irrelevant

because we're not even using your sperm.

OK, I'll rephrase the question. Would Gavin bang her?

Undoubtedly, yes.

OK... so it literally could be anyone.

So, did you bring me back a present? What?

Sorry, that was just a... light-hearted riff on...

Like, whenever my mum used to go away,

she'd always bring us back a present.

But you're not my mum, and...

now I fully regret bringing it up.

I think I'm just acting weird

because of what happened before you left.

Why? What happened before I left?

You know, with us.

What are you talking about? I have no idea.

The kiss. The kiss?

Yeah. What kiss?

Our... Our kiss.

Our kiss? Yeah.

Where, in the car? In the car, yeah.

Brett, you shouldn't be kissing people in the car.

This is a work car.

Not a kiss car.

We were into it. We were?

Yeah, and then, like, in your house for 45 minutes, at least.

45 minutes? Yeah.

Gross. Was there petting? Petting?

Heavy petting? Light petting? Oh, right, um...

Medium, I guess.

Ah, medium petting, yeah. Yeah, I do remember.

Good, cos for few a minute there,

I thought you'd gone to New York to clear your mind

because you'd fallen in love with me. Uh-huh.

Well, I was summoned by the managing director,

who's upset with me for telling the staff about asbestos.

Well, you had to. We could all die.

Yeah, well, he couldn't even tell me on the phone.

Face to face, had to yell at me.

So, did you see your husband? Yes.

How was he?

I hired a private detective to follow him.

Isn't... Isn't that a bit hypocritical

after what happened with us before you left?

OK, let's do the math. All right.

In Australia, we say "maths".

In his column, there's multiple affairs.

My column contains a driver who got overly excited

about my spaghetti bolognaise and tried to kiss me.

Well, you kissed me right back.

Ah! Sorry.

It's all right. Shit. Wow. Sorry.

I always touch the most hurtful place.

I should have just... Nah.

Sorry.

You OK? Yeah.

HE GROANS

BRIDGET COUGHS

Are you all right?

Oh, not bad for someone who's most likely got asbestos poisoning.

MIA SIGHS

CAR HORN BEEPS Oh!

How's the band?

What are you called again? The Three Busketeers?

No, we changed our name to Linguini Anonymous.

Oh, I liked The Three Busketeers. Course you did.

That's why we changed our name,

because we were bringing in the wrong crowd.

What does "Linguini Anonymous" even mean?

Has it got something to do with pasta,

or I'm just being too literal?

Mum, I could tell you, but you'd still be ignorant.

Excuse me, I'm dating an Aborigine, Mia,

which is about as un-ignorant as you get.

Stop saying "Aborigine", and "un-ignorant" isn't a word.

According to the Am I Racist? quizzes I've been doing online,

I'm less ignorant than I was last week.

I'm now just a casual racist.

Last week, I was "institutionalised",

week before that, "Grand Wizard".

By this time next week, I intend to be "fully woke".

MIA SNICKERS

Maybe you should call Gary,

tell him about your progress and apologise.

You think so? Yeah.

THEY CHUCKLE

DIAL TONE, MIA EXHALES DEEPLY

'Look, Bridge, unless you're gonna apologise...'

I am.

I'm sorry. 'For?'

SOFTLY: Being an entitled white person.

Being an entitled right person. White, white, white!

White! Entitled white person.

'Why are you entitled white person, Bridget?'

Um...

'Do you accept the existence of structural racism?'

Yes.

Of course! Do you even have to ask?

'What is structural racism, Bridget?'

A system in which public policies and cultural norms

reinforce racial inequality.

A system in which the public promises cultural wars

and forces Rachel into economy.

Oh, great (!)

So, did I pass the test?

'No, but Mia got 100%. Hi, Mia.'

Hi, Gary. Sorry about my racist mum.

'Bridget, call back when you've done some proper reading.'

PHONE DISCONNECTS "Proper reading".

I've done lots of reading, thank you very much.

I'm a great reader.

So what was the last book that you read?

Captain Corelli's Mandarin.

Is Barney OK?

I don't know, like, there was some tinsel in his stool,

but the bauble's, like, fully lodged up in his lower colon.

Yuck! I know, it's yuck.

How are things going with that guy from the warehouse?

Ugh, Lacey, it's gone.

What happened? Wasn't gay.

How many times did you guys have sex?

Five.

I'm so sorry.

So, did you wanna keep talking about your boyfriend who's not gay,

or can we move on to Mum's will?

I think I'd rather talk about Mum's will.

Great. So, the lawyer reckons that we have to prove

that Mum was insane when she made Alison the executor of her will.

The ex...? The executor? It's the ex-EC-utor of the will.

Oh, no, that's, like, a business term.

It's definitely exe-CU-tor.

The exe-CU-tor of the will? Yeah.

The exec... ex-EC-utor. Exe-CU-tor.

OK, I guess, like, well, you execute the document.

Exactly. Yeah, right, OK.

Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah.

OK. What if I imply to Alison

that it wouldn't be in her best interest to cross us?

What are you talking about?

I'll shake her down a little bit like a warehouseman.

Oh, piss off, Lukas. You couldn't shake down a doona.

Hey, I'm a warehouse man now. A warehouseman.

People are afraid of warehousemen.

I hang around other men. I could be a little bit, "Hey!"

You know? High vis, all jizz.

You're gonna jizz on Alison? No! I'm saying...

Doesn't matter, just...

Right, well, I think that definitely won't work.

I could Columbo it.

I'll Columbo it. What does that mean?

I'll just Columbo it. Kind of like, "Hey!"

Remember Columbo? We used to watch it as kids.

Don't remember. Peter Falk!

The bloody private detective with the...

He'd wear the trench coat and be like, "Hey, baa, well..."

You know, go, "One more thing."

He had the bung eye, like, "Eh, do one more thing.

"I'll just, uh... It probably doesn't matter,

"but, uh, one more thing."

And then just wander away and come back,

and he'd solved the crime.

Right, I don't think that's gonna work.

Can't believe you wouldn't know Columbo.

Yeah, I don't remember it.

Fine, you don't remember Columbo.

Let's... Let's just not talk for five minutes.

And by the way, it's ex-EC-utor.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's 9am, and all lanes have reopened on the M5.

Meanwhile, scientists have found

15,000 types of genetic material at Central Station.

If any of it's yours, it can be collected from lost and found.

A new study out today

say women are more attracted to men who are depressed.

I'd be rapt with that news if I wasn't so depressed.

So, do you wanna take the M4, which'll be chockers,

or the M5, which will take longer but have less traffic?

Whatever. I only understand 25% of what you say.

HE CHUCKLES

So, my private detective called

to say that my husband also hired a private detective.

But he's the one cheating.

Well, cheaters are always paranoid, so...

Especially when their wives are also cheating.

SHE SIGHS

Please don't go over the meaningless kiss again,

with the "medium petting".

HE SIGHS 3am in New York.

FAINTLY: Oh, man.

Years of hard work and strategic sideboob,

all for nothing

because I opened my big mouth about the asbestos.

God, my career is over.

You did the right thing. Your staff will thank you for it.

Thank-yous don't lift share prices, but...

SHE SIGHS

If I didn't think we'd have sex, I'd ask you for a drink.

You think I'd have sex with you, just like that?

Brett, given the opportunity, would you have sex with me?

Yeah. Yeah.

You must have Australia's most expensive arsehole.

The amount of money I have ploughed into your arsehole -

$3,200 - and it's still lodged in your bowel.

I can't keep doing this.

And, I mean, I've got my issues.

I'm not bloody burdening you with my problems, am I?

You don't care, do you? I mean, I could be dying.

This is it. This could be it for me.

I could be dying of asbestos poisoning.

Ab... HE SIGHS

Asp... Absbestos.

Abspestos.

Aspbest... Asbestos.

Abspestos. Ad...

I could be dy...

I am dying of something I can't even pronounce!

LACEY: Oi, Lukas! That's Lacey. Lacey. It's Lacey.

Remember Lacey? Remember Racy Lacey? Racy Lacey.

He's looking good, isn't he? God, he's so hot.

Bloody hot, confused,

racially ambiguous, blue-collar fuck machine Lacey.

I really shouldn't go back there,

but, my God, did you see his Bintang singlet?

Makes his pecs pop.

I can't do it, though.

I don't wanna be bloody manipulated like a flesh puppet.

Tell you what, though - if Daddy is dying, though,

that could be like a last, you know, a farewell.

Oh, Barn.

Should I, Barn? Should we do this? Barney, what do you reckon?

I mean, Barney, if this is gonna happen,

you've just gotta give me a look.

Please, Barney, just give me the nod.

So, we doing this? BARNEY CRIES

We're doing this? Barney, we're doing this.

We're off for some Racy Lacey!

SHE INHALES, COUGHS

Isn't that for asthma?

I don't know. I found it on someone's desk.

I thought, "Maybe as a precaution."

Well, can you puff more quietly?

I'm trying to write a severance letter to Catfish.

Catfish is the bass player, right?

No, that's Hard Wang. Catfish is the drummer.

Who's on guitar? Geoff!

Fuck, Mum, do you listen to anything I say?

It's hard to listen when you're dying.

BRIDGET INHALES, COUGHS

Can I run this by you?

Yeah. BRIDGET CLEARS THROAT

"Dear Catfish, you've been a great drummer.

"Well, a good one.

"We will miss your easy wit

"and your ability to carry heavy objects.

"If I could leave you with some passing wisdom, it would be this.

"Try and learn to breathe through your nose.

"Mouth breathing is creepy.

"Yours sincerely, Linguini Anonymous."

What do you think? It's great.

I just hope I'll be around to see you on Rage.

Why wouldn't you be? BRIDGET EXHALES

We'll be rich. We'll get baby-sitters,

maybe some books on overcoming structural and systemic racism.

We'll see. Depends how this asbestos thing works out.

BRIDGET INHALES, WHEEZES

Mum! If you're really worried, just get tested.

Last time I got tested, I found out I was pregnant.

Plus the asbestos is working in my favour.

How?

Well, at the moment, Gary thinks I'm a racist who's dying.

If you take away the asbestos, I'm just a racist.

No, I have to go first. You always go first!

Yeah, my news is really important. Yeah, so is mine.

Mine is big. Is yours big? Medium.

OK, I'm going first. Guy and I had our first fight.

Yay! Oh, I love that. What was it about?

He thinks Beyonce is overrated.

TALIA LAUGHS Sorry, keep talking.

I just need to regain my breath for a moment.

He thinks her voice is overrated

and that she can't hit the high notes.

He heard of a song called Love On Top?

That is key change after key change after key change.

Ugh. He also thinks she's an average dancer

and she's made to look good by all her back-up dancers.

A lie! She is the most technically proficient dancer in the world.

He also thinks feminism under capitalism doesn't work

because her athletic clothing line is made in a sweat shop

by a predominantly female staff.

SHE SCOFFS Fine, he might have a point there,

but you still have to break up with him.

I'm a grown woman.

I don't think I can break up with him because of Beyonce.

It's not just that.

It's the damp canine BO, it's pre-kiss lip licking.

That's three strikes. Three strikes is a bit fascist.

Yeah, fine, four strikes.

One more strike, he's out. Deal? Deal. OK, what's your news?

OK, well, you know that mousey security guard at work?

You mean Jess, head of corporate security?

Uh-huh. The cop who once gunned down four terrorists

after they drove their car into a crowd of students? Big whoop.

I would have led with "Cross of Valour winner"

rather than "mousey", but, yeah, go ahead.

All right, well, erm... I've decided to sell her my eggs.

That is beautiful, Talia.

Oh, my God, that is so beautiful. FAINTLY: I know.

But isn't it illegal to sell your eggs?

Yeah, well, it's meant to be philanthropic and stuff,

but they said that they'd pay for all my unpaid parking fines.

And so, you know, I think it's only fair, though,

because I am so much hotter than the average egg donor,

so it's right that I get compensated for that.

I can't understand what you're saying

because you're crying too much.

Yes. Oh, my God!

Pfft, yeah, it's crazy. I never wanted to have kids,

but if I can bring a bit of joy in your guys' lives,

then I'll feel like I'm giving back, eh?

That means a lot, Gav. Yeah, yeah.

I know you're looking at me, thinking,

"If we have a boy, is he gonna suffer from male pattern baldness,

"particularly given the lush head of hair on your husband there?"

And the answer is probably, yes. But it's not all bad, you know?

Good new is that being bald is character building.

Chicks don't find you attractive, and it's a lot harder to pull roots,

so you've got to work twice as hard on your personality.

So, this is you after you've worked hard on your personality.

Well, I'm just letting you know now, man,

so you guys can get him started on the meds

and cut off baldness at the pass.

Otherwise, the only thing he's got to look forward to in life

is shaving his head and pretending to be happy about it.

No, I'm serious.

Baldness is a real disability, you know?

It's affected my life a lot more than my narcolepsy.

You know, not to mention the fact it makes you look older.

I'm fuckin' 21.

You know, I read somewhere that eating tacos

can stop you from going bald.

That sounds like bullshit.

Well, the evidence is only anecdotal, but I will say this.

There is no such thing as a bald Mexican. Fact.

No, I can't remember seeing a bald Mexican.

Cos there aren't any.

So, Jess, have you done any pondering over our delivery method?

We gonna go via cup or... au natural?

A cup'll be fine, thanks, Gav. Yeah, yeah. Sweet. Cool.

Bit worried about, er, you know...

Cos rooting a friend's missus, no matter how noble the cause,

can put a bit of pressure on the friendship.

That was never an option, was it, darl? No.

Yeah, so it'll just be your hand

doing all the heavy lifting on this one, Gav, thanks.

GAV SNORES Is narcolepsy hereditary?

Yeah. There's a 1 in 20 chance the kid'll get it.

It's so comforting to know

that our bald, sleepy kids will be well provided for.

Well, we didn't have to go with Gav.

We could have gone with Chook or Spud.

It was a tough one, but I think we made the right call.

GAV FARTS

Oh, God.

Phew... Oof...

Speaking of tacos, God, get the windows down, babe.

That's got some tang to it.

Maybe you ate the whole spool of dental floss.

I know it's minty and it's sweet.

I had to stand on one end of one of your poos,

then I threw a ball, and then you had to race after it,

and then the dental floss just spooled out of your arsehole.

It's weird. BARNEY WHINES

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