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1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:03,960
SHE COUGHS
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,960
It's probably the asbestos people
were saying they found at work.
3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960
I don't know how much time
I have left.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:12,960
I think your dad was having
a cheeky crack at my mum.
5
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:13,960
Oh, my God.
6
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,160
So, are you gay?
7
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,960
No. Yes. Yes, I am.
8
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,160
Can I ask you a question?
9
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:19,960
I'm not gay.
OK, yeah.
10
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,960
The doctor thinks
I'd be a poor IVF candidate.
11
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,960
And I'm infertile.
12
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:27,960
Well, my staff hates me,
my husband's cheating on me,
13
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,640
but I do have a great driver,
14
00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:33,960
and I happen to have an amazing
bolognaise sauce at my house
15
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,960
that he's welcome to sample
if he'd like.
16
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,960
This couldn't come
at a worse financial time.
17
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,960
How many thousands of dollars
do I have to spend at the vet,
18
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,960
retrieving things
from your lower colon?
19
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,960
It's disgusting.
Who eats a whole bauble?
20
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,960
A whole bauble?
Tinsel? What's nice about tinsel?
21
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,960
If we cut you open,
you'd be like a bloody...
22
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:59,000
It'd be like a discotheque
inside your bloody stomach.
23
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,960
What a disgusting scene that is.
24
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:05,960
God, how many weird things
can you eat?
25
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960
My car keys, gone.
26
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960
Bag of marbles, gone.
27
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,960
All of Daddy's Lego men, gone.
28
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,960
Remember the next day, I looked out
in the bloody back garden,
29
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,960
these little poos everywhere
with, like, little...
30
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:18,960
It was like Pompeii.
31
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,480
There were, like, little Lego men,
like, half-submerged,
32
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:24,960
just, like, dying in stasis,
embedded inside your turds.
33
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,320
BARNEY PANTS
You little shitbag.
34
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,480
Love you, though.
35
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:29,960
BARNEY WHIMPERS
Love you.
36
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,960
# Let's go!
Whatcha waitin' for?
37
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960
# Your prayers are already answered
38
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,000
# Do you really want it?
Ain't got no time to waste
39
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,960
# Let's go
Green light, step on the gas
40
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,320
# Don't let no-one pass
41
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,960
# Put some pep in your step
Follow me, this way
42
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:43,960
# Red light, green light
43
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,960
# Red light, green light
44
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,960
# Red light, green light, go
45
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,960
# Do you wanna go, go, go?
46
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,960
# I'ma, I'ma run this show
47
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,960
# Red light
Oh, do you wanna go?
48
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,480
# Green light
Do you wanna go?
49
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,960
# Hey! Do you wanna
Do you wanna go? #
50
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,960
I'm the one
who's supposed to be experimenting
51
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,960
with sex and relationships,
not my parents! Yeah.
52
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,160
I mean, I just don't
even understand swinging, right?
53
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,960
It's like taking the most fun bit
out of having an affair,
54
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:11,960
the lying!
55
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,960
Here I was,
prepared to comfort my mum
56
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,000
after my dad made out with your mum,
57
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,960
but then my mum goes and puts
her hand on your dad's knee.
58
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:18,960
It's, like, out of control.
59
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
You know what the most
disgusting bit about it is? Mm.
60
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
Is that it's not even love, right?
61
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,960
They just see each other
as these, like, sex objects.
62
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960
It's not even cute.
63
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:27,960
Speaking of...
64
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960
Guy told me he loves me.
TALIA GASPS
65
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
EMAIL ALERT
Did you say it back?
66
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:32,960
It was too awkward not to.
67
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,800
Ew! What, you thinking
about Guy's stank?
68
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,480
CEO just sent me an email
69
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,000
with a different idea
on the promotional video
70
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,960
we've already signed off on.
71
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,960
Why does the CEO send you emails?
72
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
Because
I'm Acting Marketing Director.
73
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
Oh, yeah! You're important.
74
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,960
I always forget that
because of your eczema.
75
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,960
She wants to refer to the employees
as "The K2 Crew".
76
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,960
Gross!
77
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,960
I think that's great.
Ah!
78
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,640
It's cool. We are a crew, man.
Uh...
79
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,960
Hey, I've been resenting you
quite a bit lately.
80
00:02:58,960 --> 00:02:59,960
What?
Yeah.
81
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,960
Because you've got
this amazing job,
82
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,480
you're so in love
with this stinky guy,
83
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:04,960
you're not caring about anything.
84
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,960
Enough. I'm the only one
allowed to make fun of Guy's stank.
85
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,960
You've found happiness, I haven't.
That's how it works.
86
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,480
I'm allowed to make fun of you
and whatever person makes you happy.
87
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,960
You have a dark heart, Talia.
TALIA CHUCKLES
88
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960
Oh, you know
what's gonna really suit you?
89
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:17,960
Is one of those, like, oxygen masks
90
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
and those tanks
that you wheel around
91
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,640
when the asbestos gets to you.
92
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:22,960
It would suit me.
93
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960
It'd give me higher status
because I'd be sick.
94
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:25,960
I'd get a better car spot at work,
95
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,960
men would stop interrupting me
at meetings,
96
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,960
and Dad would be so grief-stricken,
97
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,960
he wouldn't be able to maintain
an erection while fucking your mum.
98
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,960
You've hardly said a word
in 24 hours.
99
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,960
Don't worry, babe.
It's nothing to do with you.
100
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,960
Well, just don't infect the car
with your bad attitude.
101
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,960
If we've got any chance
of attracting a baby into our lives,
102
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:49,960
we need to keep it light.
103
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
"Attracting a baby into our lives"?
104
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
You make it sound like
we're trying to trap a beaver.
105
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:54,960
What's your problem?
106
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,960
HE SIGHS
107
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960
You know that carrot cake
you lovingly baked for me?
108
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,960
I did bake it lovingly.
Yeah.
109
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,960
Well, I took a slice of it
into work yesterday, ate it.
110
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,800
Beautiful.
Thank you.
111
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:08,960
Then when I returned to my desk,
112
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,640
look what I found Blu-tacked
to my chalkboard.
113
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:15,960
It's a photograph of a dick
114
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,960
quietly resting on the piece of cake
I just ate.
115
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:19,960
GIGGLING: I can see what it is.
116
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960
Talk about having your cock
and eating it too.
117
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
Ha-ha!
I feel sick.
118
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,960
Ah, although it's disgusting,
you're not gonna catch anything.
119
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,640
I mean, I never have.
120
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,000
When I find out whose dick it was,
I'm gonna rip their dick off
121
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,960
and shove it down their throat
so far, they'll be drowning in dick.
122
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960
I'm gonna look even harder
at the urinals,
123
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
and whoever owns this dick...
124
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,000
Oh, that's Jonno's from maintenance.
125
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,960
What?
126
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
127
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,960
Maybe you should examine
why you've got so much anger.
128
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,960
HE SIGHS
Maybe it's all this baby stuff.
129
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:57,960
God! I never thought
I'd be that guy.
130
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,960
Well, would it make you
a little less angry
131
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,960
if I told you I finally found
someone to donate her eggs?
132
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Bullshit.
No bullshit.
133
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,000
Babe, that's great!
Mm-hm.
134
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,960
What's she like?
135
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,960
Tall, er... funny, brunette.
136
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,960
OK, cool. Quick question...
137
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:16,960
Would I bang her?
138
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960
That's offensive and irrelevant.
139
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,960
I agree it's slightly offensive,
but it's not irrelevant.
140
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:22,960
I need to know whether I'd bang her,
141
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,960
otherwise, we're screwing
with the laws of nature.
142
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,000
It's totally offensive
and completely irrelevant
143
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,960
because we're not even using
your sperm.
144
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,960
OK, I'll rephrase the question.
Would Gavin bang her?
145
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
Undoubtedly, yes.
146
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,800
OK... so it literally
could be anyone.
147
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
So, did you bring me back a present?
What?
148
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,960
Sorry, that was just a...
light-hearted riff on...
149
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960
Like, whenever my mum
used to go away,
150
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:52,960
she'd always bring us back
a present.
151
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,000
But you're not my mum, and...
152
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,960
now I fully regret bringing it up.
153
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:57,960
I think I'm just acting weird
154
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,960
because of what happened
before you left.
155
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,960
Why? What happened before I left?
156
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,960
You know, with us.
157
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,960
What are you talking about?
I have no idea.
158
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,960
The kiss.
The kiss?
159
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,960
Yeah.
What kiss?
160
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,960
Our... Our kiss.
161
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:15,960
Our kiss?
Yeah.
162
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
Where, in the car?
In the car, yeah.
163
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,960
Brett, you shouldn't be
kissing people in the car.
164
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:21,960
This is a work car.
165
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,320
Not a kiss car.
166
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:25,960
We were into it.
We were?
167
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,800
Yeah, and then, like, in your house
for 45 minutes, at least.
168
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:30,960
45 minutes?
Yeah.
169
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,960
Gross. Was there petting?
Petting?
170
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,960
Heavy petting? Light petting?
Oh, right, um...
171
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:38,960
Medium, I guess.
172
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,960
Ah, medium petting, yeah.
Yeah, I do remember.
173
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960
Good, cos for few a minute there,
174
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960
I thought you'd gone to New York
to clear your mind
175
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,160
because you'd fallen in love
with me. Uh-huh.
176
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,960
Well, I was summoned
by the managing director,
177
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,960
who's upset with me for telling
the staff about asbestos.
178
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,960
Well, you had to. We could all die.
179
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,960
Yeah, well, he couldn't even
tell me on the phone.
180
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,160
Face to face, had to yell at me.
181
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,960
So, did you see your husband?
Yes.
182
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:04,960
How was he?
183
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,960
I hired a private detective
to follow him.
184
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,960
Isn't...
Isn't that a bit hypocritical
185
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,960
after what happened with us
before you left?
186
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,960
OK, let's do the math. All right.
187
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,960
In Australia, we say "maths".
188
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,960
In his column,
there's multiple affairs.
189
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,960
My column contains a driver
who got overly excited
190
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,480
about my spaghetti bolognaise
and tried to kiss me.
191
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:25,960
Well, you kissed me right back.
192
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,960
Ah!
Sorry.
193
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,960
It's all right. Shit.
Wow. Sorry.
194
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,960
I always touch
the most hurtful place.
195
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,960
I should have just...
Nah.
196
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:37,960
Sorry.
197
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:38,960
You OK?
Yeah.
198
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,000
HE GROANS
199
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,960
BRIDGET COUGHS
200
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,960
Are you all right?
201
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:57,960
Oh, not bad for someone who's
most likely got asbestos poisoning.
202
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,960
MIA SIGHS
203
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,000
CAR HORN BEEPS
Oh!
204
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,960
How's the band?
205
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,960
What are you called again?
The Three Busketeers?
206
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,960
No, we changed our name
to Linguini Anonymous.
207
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,160
Oh, I liked The Three Busketeers.
Course you did.
208
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,960
That's why we changed our name,
209
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,960
because we were bringing in
the wrong crowd.
210
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,960
What does "Linguini Anonymous"
even mean?
211
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,320
Has it got something
to do with pasta,
212
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,960
or I'm just being too literal?
213
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,960
Mum, I could tell you,
but you'd still be ignorant.
214
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,640
Excuse me,
I'm dating an Aborigine, Mia,
215
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,960
which is about
as un-ignorant as you get.
216
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Stop saying "Aborigine",
and "un-ignorant" isn't a word.
217
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,000
According to the Am I Racist?
quizzes I've been doing online,
218
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,000
I'm less ignorant
than I was last week.
219
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,960
I'm now just a casual racist.
220
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,960
Last week,
I was "institutionalised",
221
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,960
week before that, "Grand Wizard".
222
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,000
By this time next week,
I intend to be "fully woke".
223
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,960
MIA SNICKERS
224
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960
Maybe you should call Gary,
225
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,960
tell him about your progress
and apologise.
226
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960
You think so?
Yeah.
227
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:58,960
THEY CHUCKLE
228
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,160
DIAL TONE,
MIA EXHALES DEEPLY
229
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,480
'Look, Bridge,
unless you're gonna apologise...'
230
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:04,960
I am.
231
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:05,960
I'm sorry.
'For?'
232
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960
SOFTLY:
Being an entitled white person.
233
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,320
Being an entitled right person.
White, white, white!
234
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,960
White! Entitled white person.
235
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,960
'Why are you entitled white person,
Bridget?'
236
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:16,960
Um...
237
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
'Do you accept the existence
of structural racism?'
238
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:19,960
Yes.
239
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960
Of course! Do you even have to ask?
240
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,960
'What is structural racism,
Bridget?'
241
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,320
A system in which public policies
and cultural norms
242
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,960
reinforce racial inequality.
243
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,320
A system in which
the public promises cultural wars
244
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,960
and forces Rachel into economy.
245
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960
Oh, great (!)
246
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,960
So, did I pass the test?
247
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,960
'No, but Mia got 100%. Hi, Mia.'
248
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,960
Hi, Gary. Sorry about my racist mum.
249
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960
'Bridget, call back when you've done
some proper reading.'
250
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,960
PHONE DISCONNECTS
"Proper reading".
251
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,000
I've done lots of reading,
thank you very much.
252
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,960
I'm a great reader.
253
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,960
So what was the last book
that you read?
254
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,960
Captain Corelli's Mandarin.
255
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,160
Is Barney OK?
256
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,640
I don't know, like,
there was some tinsel in his stool,
257
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,000
but the bauble's, like,
fully lodged up in his lower colon.
258
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,960
Yuck!
I know, it's yuck.
259
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,960
How are things going
with that guy from the warehouse?
260
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,960
Ugh, Lacey, it's gone.
261
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,000
What happened?
Wasn't gay.
262
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,960
How many times
did you guys have sex?
263
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:19,960
Five.
264
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:21,960
I'm so sorry.
265
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,960
So, did you wanna keep talking
about your boyfriend who's not gay,
266
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,800
or can we move on to Mum's will?
267
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,960
I think I'd rather talk
about Mum's will.
268
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,960
Great. So, the lawyer reckons
that we have to prove
269
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,000
that Mum was insane when she made
Alison the executor of her will.
270
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:40,480
The ex...? The executor?
It's the ex-EC-utor of the will.
271
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:41,960
Oh, no,
that's, like, a business term.
272
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,960
It's definitely exe-CU-tor.
273
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,640
The exe-CU-tor of the will?
Yeah.
274
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,960
The exec... ex-EC-utor. Exe-CU-tor.
275
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,960
OK, I guess, like, well,
you execute the document.
276
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:52,960
Exactly.
Yeah, right, OK.
277
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960
Gotcha, gotcha.
Yeah.
278
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:58,960
OK. What if I imply to Alison
279
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,960
that it wouldn't be
in her best interest to cross us?
280
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960
What are you talking about?
281
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,640
I'll shake her down a little bit
like a warehouseman.
282
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,960
Oh, piss off, Lukas.
You couldn't shake down a doona.
283
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,960
Hey, I'm a warehouse man now.
A warehouseman.
284
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,960
People are afraid of warehousemen.
285
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,960
I hang around other men.
I could be a little bit, "Hey!"
286
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,960
You know? High vis, all jizz.
287
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,960
You're gonna jizz on Alison?
No! I'm saying...
288
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:27,960
Doesn't matter, just...
289
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,960
Right, well, I think
that definitely won't work.
290
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:31,960
I could Columbo it.
291
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,960
I'll Columbo it.
What does that mean?
292
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,160
I'll just Columbo it.
Kind of like, "Hey!"
293
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,960
Remember Columbo?
We used to watch it as kids.
294
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,480
Don't remember.
Peter Falk!
295
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,960
The bloody private detective
with the...
296
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,960
He'd wear the trench coat
and be like, "Hey, baa, well..."
297
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,320
You know, go, "One more thing."
298
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,960
He had the bung eye, like,
"Eh, do one more thing.
299
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,960
"I'll just, uh...
It probably doesn't matter,
300
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,800
"but, uh, one more thing."
301
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:55,960
And then just wander away
and come back,
302
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,320
and he'd solved the crime.
303
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,960
Right, I don't think
that's gonna work.
304
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Can't believe
you wouldn't know Columbo.
305
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,320
Yeah, I don't remember it.
306
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:04,960
Fine, you don't remember Columbo.
307
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,960
Let's... Let's just not talk
for five minutes.
308
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960
And by the way, it's ex-EC-utor.
309
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,960
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's 9am, and
all lanes have reopened on the M5.
310
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960
Meanwhile, scientists have found
311
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,960
15,000 types of genetic material
at Central Station.
312
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,480
If any of it's yours, it can be
collected from lost and found.
313
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:30,960
A new study out today
314
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,640
say women are more attracted to men
who are depressed.
315
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,960
I'd be rapt with that news
if I wasn't so depressed.
316
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,960
So, do you wanna take the M4,
which'll be chockers,
317
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,960
or the M5, which will take longer
but have less traffic?
318
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,960
Whatever. I only understand 25%
of what you say.
319
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960
HE CHUCKLES
320
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,960
So, my private detective called
321
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,480
to say that my husband
also hired a private detective.
322
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,960
But he's the one cheating.
323
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,960
Well, cheaters are always paranoid,
so...
324
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960
Especially when their wives
are also cheating.
325
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:02,960
SHE SIGHS
326
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,640
Please don't go over
the meaningless kiss again,
327
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:06,960
with the "medium petting".
328
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,640
HE SIGHS
3am in New York.
329
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:10,960
FAINTLY: Oh, man.
330
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,960
Years of hard work
and strategic sideboob,
331
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,960
all for nothing
332
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,960
because I opened my big mouth
about the asbestos.
333
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
God, my career is over.
334
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,960
You did the right thing.
Your staff will thank you for it.
335
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,960
Thank-yous
don't lift share prices, but...
336
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:29,960
SHE SIGHS
337
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,960
If I didn't think we'd have sex,
I'd ask you for a drink.
338
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,960
You think I'd have sex with you,
just like that?
339
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,960
Brett, given the opportunity,
would you have sex with me?
340
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:48,960
Yeah.
Yeah.
341
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,960
You must have
Australia's most expensive arsehole.
342
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,960
The amount of money I have ploughed
into your arsehole -
343
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:07,480
$3,200 - and it's still lodged
in your bowel.
344
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,800
I can't keep doing this.
345
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:11,960
And, I mean, I've got my issues.
346
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960
I'm not bloody burdening you
with my problems, am I?
347
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,960
You don't care, do you?
I mean, I could be dying.
348
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,960
This is it. This could be it for me.
349
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,640
I could be dying
of asbestos poisoning.
350
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:24,960
Ab...
HE SIGHS
351
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Asp... Absbestos.
352
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Abspestos.
353
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,960
Aspbest... Asbestos.
354
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,160
Abspestos. Ad...
355
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:36,960
I could be dy...
356
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960
I am dying of something
I can't even pronounce!
357
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,960
LACEY: Oi, Lukas!
That's Lacey. Lacey. It's Lacey.
358
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:47,960
Remember Lacey? Remember Racy Lacey?
Racy Lacey.
359
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,960
He's looking good, isn't he?
God, he's so hot.
360
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,960
Bloody hot, confused,
361
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,960
racially ambiguous,
blue-collar fuck machine Lacey.
362
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,960
I really shouldn't go back there,
363
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960
but, my God,
did you see his Bintang singlet?
364
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:01,960
Makes his pecs pop.
365
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,480
I can't do it, though.
366
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,960
I don't wanna be bloody manipulated
like a flesh puppet.
367
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,960
Tell you what, though -
if Daddy is dying, though,
368
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,640
that could be like a last,
you know, a farewell.
369
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,800
Oh, Barn.
370
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,000
Should I, Barn? Should we do this?
Barney, what do you reckon?
371
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,160
I mean, Barney,
if this is gonna happen,
372
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,960
you've just gotta give me a look.
373
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,960
Please, Barney,
just give me the nod.
374
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,480
So, we doing this?
BARNEY CRIES
375
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,960
We're doing this?
Barney, we're doing this.
376
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960
We're off for some Racy Lacey!
377
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,960
SHE INHALES,
COUGHS
378
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,960
Isn't that for asthma?
379
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960
I don't know.
I found it on someone's desk.
380
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,960
I thought, "Maybe as a precaution."
381
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,480
Well, can you puff more quietly?
382
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,960
I'm trying to write
a severance letter to Catfish.
383
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960
Catfish is the bass player, right?
384
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,960
No, that's Hard Wang.
Catfish is the drummer.
385
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Who's on guitar?
Geoff!
386
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960
Fuck, Mum,
do you listen to anything I say?
387
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960
It's hard to listen
when you're dying.
388
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960
BRIDGET INHALES,
COUGHS
389
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Can I run this by you?
390
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,320
Yeah.
BRIDGET CLEARS THROAT
391
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,960
"Dear Catfish,
you've been a great drummer.
392
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:05,960
"Well, a good one.
393
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:06,960
"We will miss your easy wit
394
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,960
"and your ability
to carry heavy objects.
395
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,960
"If I could leave you with some
passing wisdom, it would be this.
396
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,960
"Try and learn to breathe
through your nose.
397
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,000
"Mouth breathing is creepy.
398
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,960
"Yours sincerely,
Linguini Anonymous."
399
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,640
What do you think?
It's great.
400
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,960
I just hope I'll be around
to see you on Rage.
401
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,960
Why wouldn't you be?
BRIDGET EXHALES
402
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,960
We'll be rich.
We'll get baby-sitters,
403
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,960
maybe some books on overcoming
structural and systemic racism.
404
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,960
We'll see. Depends how
this asbestos thing works out.
405
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,000
BRIDGET INHALES,
WHEEZES
406
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,960
Mum! If you're really worried,
just get tested.
407
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960
Last time I got tested,
I found out I was pregnant.
408
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,160
Plus the asbestos
is working in my favour.
409
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,960
How?
410
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Well, at the moment, Gary
thinks I'm a racist who's dying.
411
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,800
If you take away the asbestos,
I'm just a racist.
412
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,960
No, I have to go first.
You always go first!
413
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
Yeah, my news is really important.
Yeah, so is mine.
414
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960
Mine is big. Is yours big?
Medium.
415
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,960
OK, I'm going first.
Guy and I had our first fight.
416
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,960
Yay! Oh, I love that.
What was it about?
417
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,960
He thinks Beyonce is overrated.
418
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,960
TALIA LAUGHS
Sorry, keep talking.
419
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960
I just need to regain my breath
for a moment.
420
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,800
He thinks her voice is overrated
421
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,960
and that she can't hit
the high notes.
422
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,960
He heard of a song called
Love On Top?
423
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,960
That is key change after key change
after key change.
424
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,960
Ugh. He also thinks
she's an average dancer
425
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,960
and she's made to look good
by all her back-up dancers.
426
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,960
A lie! She is the most technically
proficient dancer in the world.
427
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,480
He also thinks feminism
under capitalism doesn't work
428
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,960
because her athletic clothing line
is made in a sweat shop
429
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:32,960
by a predominantly female staff.
430
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,320
SHE SCOFFS
Fine, he might have a point there,
431
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:36,960
but you still
have to break up with him.
432
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:37,960
I'm a grown woman.
433
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,000
I don't think I can break up
with him because of Beyonce.
434
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,160
It's not just that.
435
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,960
It's the damp canine BO,
it's pre-kiss lip licking.
436
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960
That's three strikes.
Three strikes is a bit fascist.
437
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:46,960
Yeah, fine, four strikes.
438
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,800
One more strike, he's out. Deal?
Deal. OK, what's your news?
439
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,960
OK, well, you know that
mousey security guard at work?
440
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,960
You mean Jess,
head of corporate security?
441
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,960
Uh-huh. The cop who once gunned down
four terrorists
442
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,000
after they drove their car into
a crowd of students? Big whoop.
443
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,960
I would have led
with "Cross of Valour winner"
444
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,960
rather than "mousey",
but, yeah, go ahead.
445
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:07,960
All right, well, erm...
I've decided to sell her my eggs.
446
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,640
That is beautiful, Talia.
447
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,960
Oh, my God, that is so beautiful.
FAINTLY: I know.
448
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,800
But isn't it illegal
to sell your eggs?
449
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,960
Yeah, well, it's meant to be
philanthropic and stuff,
450
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,960
but they said that they'd pay
for all my unpaid parking fines.
451
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,960
And so, you know,
I think it's only fair, though,
452
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,480
because I am so much hotter
than the average egg donor,
453
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,960
so it's right that I get compensated
for that.
454
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:37,960
I can't understand
what you're saying
455
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,800
because you're crying too much.
456
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,960
Yes.
Oh, my God!
457
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,960
Pfft, yeah, it's crazy.
I never wanted to have kids,
458
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,960
but if I can bring a bit of joy
in your guys' lives,
459
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,960
then I'll feel like
I'm giving back, eh?
460
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,320
That means a lot, Gav.
Yeah, yeah.
461
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,960
I know you're looking at me,
thinking,
462
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,960
"If we have a boy, is he gonna
suffer from male pattern baldness,
463
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,960
"particularly given the lush head
of hair on your husband there?"
464
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,960
And the answer is probably, yes.
But it's not all bad, you know?
465
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,960
Good new is that being bald
is character building.
466
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,960
Chicks don't find you attractive,
and it's a lot harder to pull roots,
467
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
so you've got to work twice as hard
on your personality.
468
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960
So, this is you after you've
worked hard on your personality.
469
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
Well, I'm just
letting you know now, man,
470
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,960
so you guys can get him
started on the meds
471
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,160
and cut off baldness at the pass.
472
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,960
Otherwise, the only thing
he's got to look forward to in life
473
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,160
is shaving his head
and pretending to be happy about it.
474
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,960
No, I'm serious.
475
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,960
Baldness is a real disability,
you know?
476
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,480
It's affected my life a lot more
than my narcolepsy.
477
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,960
You know, not to mention the fact
it makes you look older.
478
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,960
I'm fuckin' 21.
479
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,800
You know,
I read somewhere that eating tacos
480
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:56,960
can stop you from going bald.
481
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:57,960
That sounds like bullshit.
482
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,960
Well, the evidence is only
anecdotal, but I will say this.
483
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,640
There is no such thing
as a bald Mexican. Fact.
484
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,960
No, I can't remember
seeing a bald Mexican.
485
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,800
Cos there aren't any.
486
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,960
So, Jess, have you done any
pondering over our delivery method?
487
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,800
We gonna go via cup or...
au natural?
488
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,960
A cup'll be fine, thanks, Gav.
Yeah, yeah. Sweet. Cool.
489
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,960
Bit worried about, er, you know...
490
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,960
Cos rooting a friend's missus,
no matter how noble the cause,
491
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
can put a bit of pressure
on the friendship.
492
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,800
That was never an option,
was it, darl? No.
493
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,480
Yeah, so it'll just be your hand
494
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,960
doing all the heavy lifting
on this one, Gav, thanks.
495
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,960
GAV SNORES
Is narcolepsy hereditary?
496
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,960
Yeah. There's a 1 in 20 chance
the kid'll get it.
497
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,960
It's so comforting to know
498
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,960
that our bald, sleepy kids
will be well provided for.
499
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960
Well, we didn't have to go with Gav.
500
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,960
We could have gone with Chook
or Spud.
501
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,960
It was a tough one,
but I think we made the right call.
502
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,960
GAV FARTS
503
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,960
Oh, God.
504
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,960
Phew... Oof...
505
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:05,800
Speaking of tacos,
God, get the windows down, babe.
506
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:06,960
That's got some tang to it.
507
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,960
Maybe you ate the whole spool
of dental floss.
508
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,160
I know it's minty and it's sweet.
509
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,640
I had to stand on one end
of one of your poos,
510
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,960
then I threw a ball,
and then you had to race after it,
511
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,480
and then the dental floss
just spooled out of your arsehole.
512
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,960
It's weird.
BARNEY WHINES
513
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,960
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