All language subtitles for Squinters S01E05 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

When we get to mine you should come
in and we can keep talking shit.

I dunno, I've got
an early start tomorrow. I was...

I'm not gonna ask you twice.
Yes, please, I'd like to come up.

Someone stole
the $24,000 virgin hair.

Really? Do they have any leads?
No.

Good luck at coming
to my fuckin' wedding.

You and your wife
are both disinvited.

And you can stick best man
up your arse.

It's on recycle... recirculate. Is
that what that means? What's recirc?

Nope, it's still not.

Stupid, bloody...

What is wrong with this?

Could you stop?
Just stop fiddling with it, please!

I'm not touching your side, Lukas.

It's a dual climate thing. You're
over there. It's not dual climate!

That operates both sides.

Why does that say 24 and that
says 21? That's dual climate.

No... Yours is coming out at 24.
Mine's coming out at 21.

You can have 24... There's no... No.
..over there. I want 21.

There's no difference.
It's all one temperature.

Oh, eventually if you mixed it about
like a bath or something... Well...

..but I want what's coming out now
and I want 21.

Don't touch my settings, OK?
Leave 'em alone.

All right, fine. You know what?
Turn it off. There you go.

No air conditioning.

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open ro-oad

# So how do you think it feels
When sleeping by yourself?

# When the one you love
The one you love

# Is with someone else

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open ro-oad. #

'A city-bound lane is closed on
Parramatta Road at Katherine Street

'due to a car crash. It's now 8am.
Expect delays. Traffic...'

Do you need me
to put the seat forward

for your tiny little stumpy legs?

No!

I could do this.
It must be fun in deliveries.

Fun?
Yeah!

Going door to door.
I bet you've got some stories.

Single mums, divorcees.

Home alone in the middle of the day.

Do you think
I live in an '80s porno?

What, you've never got up to
any shenanigans on a delivery run?

Firstly, 99% of my deliveries
are to, like,

obese, beardy warehouse managers
with smokers' coughs.

Mm, hot.
Maybe I should get into this.

And secondly, if I ever did
turn up at a house and open the door

and there was, like, a hot housewife
wearing a silk nightgown...

Silk nightgown? Ooh la la!

..it'd probably be because
she's getting her kids breakfast

and hasn't had time to change into
her tracksuit pants.

No-one has time to shag
random delivery guys any more. Oh!

And frankly,
I don't have time to shag them.

Well, they don't know
what they're missing out on.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Did you just...
Did you just call me sweetie?

Yeah, I thought
I should have a pet name for you.

I thought it might be cute.

Oh, but not "sweetie", though.

It sounds like my Uncle Barry.

It doesn't have to be "sweetie".
We could go with... bae?

Bae. Who are you, Jay Z?

Or honey. I quite like people
who call each other "honey".

It kind of sounds like "sweetie".

Let's put a moratorium
on all sweeteners.

What about... "precious"?

Gollum.
No, I heard it as soon as I said it.

I quite like "mate"
as a term of endearment.

Mate? Hm.
What's mate?

I've never done with any of my mates
what we did the other night.

Well, your mates
are really missing out.

THEY LAUGH

'Some stats released today

'say that Sydney
has the worst traffic in Australia.

'That's right, 40% of people...'

Talia, why are you driving?

Simoni's having
some sort of anxiety episode.

I'm not anxious. I've got
nothing to be anxious about.

I see you got your Ps.
Yeah.

Oh, congrats.
Oh, thanks.

I've been thinking
about getting my Ps.

Wait, you don't have a licence?
No.

But you drive to work every day.

And I've never had a crash!

I'm saving my Ps money
to go to New York.

Oh, I'd love to go to New York.

I'm seeing Dreshenka, this amazing
psychic who can lift curses.

How often do you see her?
I try to go once a year.

You must get cursed a lot.
It happens to successful women.

God, maybe I have a curse
I need to get lifted.

Get this, apparently
the virgin hair thief

used my code to get into
the store room. No way!

Yeah.
How do you know?

Well, apparently my code
was the last one to be used,

so all fingers are pointed at me
now.

What I'm about to say
cannot leave this car, OK?

OK.
Sure.

I don't have the ability
to lift curses,

but I have been taught
how to detect them.

I'm gonna need some silence.

Oh, please!
Talia, I'll try you first.

SHE HUMS

Yeah, you're good.
Yes, I knew it. Really?

Do you want me to try you, Simoni?

No, I'm fine, thank you.
Are you sure?

Yeah, thanks. No, I'm all right,
actually. It doesn't hurt.

No, no.
What's gonna happen? Go with it.

Come on. What do you have to lose?

No way.
Simoni, chill out, all right?

You've had a terrible time lately
and you've been acting really weird.

Maybe you do have
a little cursey-wursey.

I-I haven't been acting weird.
I've just been... thinking a lot.

Actually, I've been thinking that,
erm, that you're right.

We should call the bar
Namaste And Chill.

Yep.
No.

I think we should keep it
as Cabernet Shavasana.

OK, if that's what you really want.

What I really want is to find out
who stole that fucking hair.

'We've got breaking news
from Auburn.

'There's been a three-car collision
on Rawson Street.

'Best to avoid the area
as traffic delays...'

His name's Gav.
His missus kicked him out last night

so he's staying at mine.
Is he all right?

Yeah, he's asleep.

Are you sure it's nothing
a bit more serious?

I mean,
I can't hear or see him breathe.

What, do you think he's dead?
Can you check?

He's not fucking dead.
Would it kill you just to check?

Gav.

Gav. Gav.

Gav. Gav!

Nah, he's all right.
He'll fall sleep anywhere, that kid.

He's got motion narcolepsy.
He once fell asleep in a tuk-tuk.

Woke up without a kidney. He falls
asleep in his forklift all the time.

That sounds dangerous.

Yeah, well, lucky they've promoted
some new management

to start clamping down
on that sort of thing.

Have they promoted Dave? I always
knew Dave was management material.

Oh, fuck you.
Hey, congratulations, Macca!

Was that cos of the quiz?

Final question. Scores level.
What's the capital of Canada?

That trips a lot of people up.

Yeah, well, I say to my teammates,
"Ottawa!"

And they say,
"Are you sure it's not Vancouver?"

And I say "Fuckin' lock in Ottawa,
bitches."

The other team locks in Toronto.
Answer comes in - fucking Ottawa!

Crowd cheers. The higher ups
shook my hand. Dave was furious!

It was beautiful.
And then they made you a manager?

Yeah, well, I've just been
applying for years.

I just think Ottawa just tipped 'em
over the edge, you know?

Ah, congratulations, mate.
Thanks mate. 57K plus overtime.

Oh! Awesome.

No more rooting workmates
in the packaging area.

I'm a manager now.
Good for you, mate.

I'll just fuck 'em in
the staff room.

'Darling, Gary here.

'Gary hasn't seen his Snookie
or Mooshie or Chlo-Chlo

'in a long while... Sad face.

'Hey, Bridget.
Gary again. Just checking in.'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE

'Bridge! Gary here.
Is everything OK?'

'Just checking in. Again!'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE

'OK, now this is feeling stalky
but I really wanna...'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE
'I know where you live.

'Hee, hee, hee, hee!
That was definitely a joke.

'How are all my...'

Wow.

Way to ghost Gary, Mum.

Is that what's it called?

Yeah, I do it to you all the time.
Do you honestly think I'm that busy?

Well, you only ever do it
when you're with Vijay...

because you're obviously having sex.

Sorry, Mum.

I can't break up with Gaz, not yet.
Do you know how long it's taken me

to find a man
who actually likes you two?

I mean, he really likes you two.
It's incredible.

He's thinking of getting a tattoo
with your birth times.

But you don't like him!
But he likes you!

But we don't like him!

As you get older you put up with
some unbearable shit

in exchange for companionship.

My point is, Mum, you don't need
a man to make you feel whole, OK?

You're an amazing woman,
even if you are a snoop.

You're 100% right. I'm over it.

It doesn't matter how many times
I clean the sink

after Gary's trimmed
his nostril hairs,

there's always one left
staring right back up at me.

PHONE RINGS

Gary! Hi!

'Oh, I've missed you, Bridge.
How about dinner tonight?

'Your shout! That was a joke.
We'll split it like usual.'

Sounds lovely, Gary.

SHE MOUTHS

So much bad luck.

I mean, I must have missed
the day I trod on a cat,

on a black cat, sorry.
Near a ladder. On a ladder.

If the cat's on the ladder, smashed
the mirrors. I don't even know it.

'What-What's happened now?'

Barney's gone missing.
'Oh. Oh!'

"Oh", that's it. That's all
you can bring to this, is "Oh".

'Well, look, dogs go walkabout.'

Walkabout? I'm pretty sure
you can't say that now.

'Well, it's what they do,
and then they come back.'

Oh, really, that's your wisdom (!)
I tell you what,

for a career counsellor
you make a terrible shrink.

I reckon he knew. He would
have known. He's a sentient being.

Dogs know stuff.

He would have known I was gonna
get his balls lopped off.

'Oh. OK. I'm clicking on Barney's
photo on your Facebook page.'

Why are you on my Facebook page?

'Anyway, I'm going to drag it over
to a lost dog page. There we are.

'And now how do you want me
to describe him?'

I dunno.
I don't wanna do this right now.

'OK, well, if you can't do it,
maybe Barney can.

'I mean, how would Barney
describe himself?'

I guess he'd kind of say like, "Oh,
hi, I'm Barney and I'm a good boy."

'Right, well, you don't have
to do the voice.'

Yeah, but I feel like I should do
the voice. It feels natural.

'OK, but I-I just can't understand
a thing that you're saying.'

OK, I dunno, like, he'd be, like,
"Hi, I'm Barney. I'm a good boy.

"I love cheese slices.
I eat any unattended food."

Once devoured
a whole bag of plain flour

and did the weirdest poo
the next day.

'Really?'
Yeah. He eats sunglasses as well.

I don't know why,
but he loves chewing.

The more expensive
the better as well.

I guess he's got his daddy's taste.

'Do you have anything
more descriptive?'

He's a furry little fella with a
devilish little... a devilish soul.

Little rascal. He reminds me of
a pirate. He's like a pirate dog.

Like a... He's got, like,
a nautical vibe with little...

little chocolate drop eyes
you could just get lost in.

He jumps on my bed.

I'm like, "Good morning",
and he's like, "Good morning".

Oh, little beautiful fella.
He's probably dead!

He's probably dead, isn't he? He's
probably dead because I'm an idiot.

'Henry Lawson Drive is closed
at Newbridge Road

'due to a two-truck crash,
so avoid the area if you can.

'It's 9am.
Have a safe day at work.'

'It's just gone 5pm and we're
getting reports of a wayward wallaby

'seen between Harbour
and Liverpool Streets.

'Police are asking motorists
in the area to exercise...'

Hey, Sim, if you're gonna brake,
can you just do it slowly

because I don't
want to mess up my nails. Sorry.

You keep saying sorry.
I've always said sorry.

When haven't I said sorry?

What about the time you wet the bed
at school camp

and you blamed it on me?
It was you.

OK, let it go. What about the time
you let Omar finger you

the night after he fingered me?

I loved him. And you knew that when
he fingered you the first night!

OK, details. The point is
you never apologise for anything.

Cos I never do anything wrong.
Until now.

Look, I'm sorry
but I haven't done anything.

Then what are you apologising for?
I'm sorry, but I'm not apologising.

It's so annoying.
Just stop it, all right?

Sorry.
SIGHS

OK, can you help me
because I wanna get into my iPad?

Can you unlock it? My nails are wet.
Sorry.

Yeah, can you put my passcode in?
Sure, sorry.

Great.

So you know my passcode?

Yeah, it's iForgot.
You use it for everything.

Oh, do I just?
Yes.

It's the same passcode
that was used at the storeroom

of the Virgin Haircut salon?

How would I know?
Hm. Well, then you wouldn't mind

if I just checked the five most
recent Google searches on the iPad.

Siri, can you bring up Safari?
Siri, no. Siri, yes.

Siri, don't listen to her.

OK, look at what we have here.

Number one.
"How do you sell stolen goods?"

Number two.
"How do you get away with a crime?"

Number three. "How to cook a steak
to medium..."

It's two and a half minutes! I told
you that, Simoni! I know that!

Number four.
"How to sell hair on the dark web."

Number five. "What is the dark web?"

Look, just don't jump to
any conclusions.

What? That my best friend stole the
virgin hair and framed me for it?

As if I didn't know!
I didn't mean to frame you for it.

I didn't know they'd be checking
the codes that went in.

I did it for Namaste.
I did it for us.

You did it for you.
No!

Look, I know what I did was wrong,
Talia,

but just please don't hate me
for it, OK?

Stop the car.
No. Stop the car!

I need you to understand why
I did this. I know why you did it.

It turns out that playing second
banana isn't that fun, is it, Sim?

Yeah, you want to be Conan.

You don't wanna be the fat guy
on the couch.

You want to be in the driver's seat.
Exactly.

What makes you think I'm different?

Because you're very, very lazy.
Apart from that.

I wanted you to be lazy
but in our own bar!

There isn't gonna be any bar.

I'm considering giving up yoga
and taking up CrossFit or something.

CrossFit! Are you joking?
Now stop the car!

No!
Stop it!

You're gonna ruin your nails
if you open the door. Fine.

Keep driving.

What's with the roses?
You auditioning for The Bachelor?

No, it's Anah's birthday.
What's with the dolls?

My bucks.
I thought you had real strippers.

I do. But some of the boys
are married,

so I whack 'em on the dolls.

Isn't that cheating as well?

Well, the third umpire
hasn't ruled on that.

So why don't you pop down?

We'll whack you on a doll,
you'll be happy as Larry.

I don't wanna be whacked on a doll.

I'd be very self-conscious,
sitting there

doing whatever to a beach ball
in the shape of a woman.

Mate, they're very sophisticated
these days,

and you wouldn't be doing whatever
with her - you'd be rooting her.

I'm just waiting for a redundancy
package so I get myself a sex robot.

I don't give a fuck
who knows about it, eh?

Everyone gets all up in arms
when I talk about it,

but what's the difference
between a robot and a dildo?

One has a face?

Yeah, that's it, but... That's
literally the only difference.

The relationship between humans
and our artificial counterparts

dates back to the myths
of ancient Greece,

where Pygmalion's statue
was brought to life with a kiss.

We've always
been fascinated with it.

But, you know, with the dawn
of the era of sex robots

people can explore
their sexual proclivities

without fear of judgment.

Yeah, that all sounds great,

but do you have to buy the robot
dinner first?

And do you have to programme it
for low expectations?

Well, I don't think youse are taking
this seriously enough, eh?

Yeah, but aren't you concerned that

when robots eventually
overthrow humankind

they'll seek revenge on everyone

that's taken advantage of them
sexually?

What's your response, Gav?

SNORES

POP,
HISSING

Oh, fuck!

What?

Your roses just punctured
one of my blow-up dolls!

Why did you put your dolls
next to the roses?

There's nowhere else to put 'em!

Oh, here's an idea -
don't bring them.

If you're gonna
re-commit to your marriage,

don't piss around the edges,
just re-commit.

I can't.

That's the most mature thing
you've ever said.

No, I can't because
she's called it off. She's left me.

HE SIGHS

I'm...
I'm sorry, mate. I...

What's happening with your bucks?
No, that's still on.

Sumo-Midget-Milfs don't do refunds,
but that's about all they don't do,

so... swings and roundabouts.

CRYING

"With a heavy heart I relay

"That I am
Breaking up with you today

"In my mind's eye
Scans the flesh of fresh lady game

"It's not you, it's me
And also my mother

"Who hates
That I'm dating a white lady

"Love for the rest of my days

"But no longer that kind of love
Vijay."

Break-up poem.
That's not a bad idea.

Mum, I can't believe
how insensitive you're being!

I'm never gonna recover from this!
I'm sorry, Moosh.

I know this all seems
pretty tough right now

but, believe me, in a few weeks
you'll be up and about

and ready to be hurt again.

Mum, are you even listening to me?

I've just had my heart ripped out
and all you can think about is...

Ripping out Gary's heart.

I know. It's all-consuming.
I'm sorry, Moosh.

Do you care at all?

Of course. But you can do
way better, heaps better.

I wish Gary would break up with me.

God, I'm so jealous of you
right now.

'A westbound lane
on Parramatta Road, Auburn,

'is closed at Rawson Street
due to a paint spill,

'so allow some extra time.'

Sorry it's come to this,
Barney, old mate. I'm sorry, buddy.

I thought you'd just gone back to,
like, give Daisy another one,

then I find out it's Blue,
her brother.

Hey?
Welcome to the party.

God, I had no idea. Just don't ever
leave me again, Barney boy.

Don't ever leave me.

BARNEY WHIMPERS

Your balls?
The vet took 'em. They're gone.

I'm so... I'm so sorry they're gone.
Look, testicles are garnish.

It's just something
on the side there

to make the main meal
more appetising.

You know what I mean?
Like, it's a bit of, like...

It's a bit of parsley on
a plate of horrible, horrible food.

Think of it like this - back in
the 15th century, eunuchs were cool.

Oh, a eunuch is like, with no balls.
Like a no-balls person.

They used to hang out
with the Chinese emperor.

It was a swinging time.
And the castrati. They were popular.

They were the pop stars of...

They were the Emma Buntons
and Kylie Minogues, if you will.

Very, very popular.

You know how they did that?

They'd, like, er...
And you got off like pretty lightly.

They'd, like,
pop 'em in a bath of hot water,

and a priest, Catholic, I think -

which is a bit dodgy
if you think about it now -

would sit opposite the young boy
before they went into puberty

and just massage away
their testicles

until they just disintegrated
between their fingers.

Pp-pp. Just pop away
like a warm grape or a quail egg.

Yeah, you did... What?
PHONE RINGS

Davis!
'Hey.'

Hey, I've got some good news
for you. I found Barney.

'Oh, great!'

Yeah, bad news, though -
we took him to get the snip.

'Well, I think it's for the best.

'Hopefully he won't feel
the need to go chasing skirt.'

Well, as it turns out Barney's a bit
of a trouser man. Aren't you, Barn?

Bit of a trouser boy.
'Just like his dad.'

Oh! Oh, I've got more news.

I've decided
I'm gonna take the redundancy.

'Smart. Good for you.
What about the lawsuit?'

Well, you know, we're just
gonna have to, I guess, man up.

I mean, the household used to have
four balls, now we've got two.

Mine are gonna have to be twice
as big. Sorry about that, Barn.

'Well, that's really great.'

And thanks for calling me
on FaceTime.

Now I can see you... What... ..you
can see me, for better or worse.

And you're in your jarmies.
'Oh. shit!'

Hey, Davis. Davis!

He's cute.

He's a cutie, wootie, wootie.
He's a good boy.

'All westbound lanes
at Hoxton Park Road, Liverpool

'are now open after that car crash.'

Why does nobody indicate any more?

It's like we live in
a post-indicator society.

Mm.

So what do you reckon,
pasta or potato salad?

Hm?
For Sunday.

What Sunday?
Kara's birthday.

Kara?
Angie's daughter.

Angie?
My niece. Oh!

Yes. Have I been just monologuing
into a vacuum for the last...

I'm sorry!
I'm just a bit distracted.

Is everything OK?
Yes.

Is this
because I bought you a toothbrush?

No.

Is it the "I love you" thing?

Because for the 11th time,
I was asleep when I said that.

Yeah, and for the 11th time,
don't worry about it.

I still think on some level
it freaked you out

and I just wanna make sure you
understand that I don't love you.

Oh, it's not every day a girl
gets told, "I don't love you."

SHE SIGHS

I got offered a job.

Great! What is it?

It's a management role
in a start-up.

Lots of opportunity for promotion
and travel.

Amazing. Do you have to interview?

No. It's a straight offer
if I want it.

If you want it?
Are you kidding? Take it!

I did.

Am I missing something here?

This is not the face of a person who
just got offered their dream job.

It's on the Gold Coast.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

I'll just come up weekends.

I've got loads of frequent flyers
on my fuel card.

I don't know.

What's there to know?

I told you
I-I don't want a relationship.

Yeah, I told you
I didn't want a relationship either,

but-but surely we changed our minds?

That was before
I got an interstate job.

I can relocate.

Even Queenslanders need deliveries,
right?

Why would you uproot your life
like that?

We haven't even
known each other long enough.

I don't want that sort
of responsibility.

Are you... Are you...
I'm OK. I'm fine!

I'm just thinking about this
YouTube vid I saw about this guy

who could only
see in black and white,

and for his birthday his wife
got him these special glasses

so he could see colour
for the first time,

and he was like a little boy.

He was this 60-year-old bloke,
but he was like a six-year-old

just looking around at the sky
and the trees

and seeing colour
for the first time.

It was just really, really sad.

That's... That's beautiful.

HOOTS HORN

Use your bloody indicators!

Macca, if you want to keep getting
lifts you'll be wearing pants.

What about my ventilation?
I couldn't give a shit.

You couldn't give a shit?!

Macca... his car, his rules.

Shut up, Judge Judy. I liked you
better when you were dead.

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