Original subtitles

When we get to mine you should come in and we can keep talking shit.

I dunno, I've got an early start tomorrow. I was...

I'm not gonna ask you twice. Yes, please, I'd like to come up.

Someone stole the $24,000 virgin hair.

Really? Do they have any leads? No.

Good luck at coming to my fuckin' wedding.

You and your wife are both disinvited.

And you can stick best man up your arse.

It's on recycle... recirculate. Is that what that means? What's recirc?

Nope, it's still not.

Stupid, bloody...

What is wrong with this?

Could you stop? Just stop fiddling with it, please!

I'm not touching your side, Lukas.

It's a dual climate thing. You're over there. It's not dual climate!

That operates both sides.

Why does that say 24 and that says 21? That's dual climate.

No... Yours is coming out at 24. Mine's coming out at 21.

You can have 24... There's no... No. ..over there. I want 21.

There's no difference. It's all one temperature.

Oh, eventually if you mixed it about like a bath or something... Well...

..but I want what's coming out now and I want 21.

Don't touch my settings, OK? Leave 'em alone.

All right, fine. You know what? Turn it off. There you go.

No air conditioning.

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open ro-oad

# So how do you think it feels When sleeping by yourself?

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open ro-oad. #

'A city-bound lane is closed on Parramatta Road at Katherine Street

'due to a car crash. It's now 8am. Expect delays. Traffic...'

Do you need me to put the seat forward

for your tiny little stumpy legs?

No!

I could do this. It must be fun in deliveries.

Fun? Yeah!

Going door to door. I bet you've got some stories.

Single mums, divorcees.

Home alone in the middle of the day.

Do you think I live in an '80s porno?

What, you've never got up to any shenanigans on a delivery run?

Firstly, 99% of my deliveries are to, like,

obese, beardy warehouse managers with smokers' coughs.

Mm, hot. Maybe I should get into this.

And secondly, if I ever did turn up at a house and open the door

and there was, like, a hot housewife wearing a silk nightgown...

Silk nightgown? Ooh la la!

..it'd probably be because she's getting her kids breakfast

and hasn't had time to change into her tracksuit pants.

No-one has time to shag random delivery guys any more. Oh!

And frankly, I don't have time to shag them.

Well, they don't know what they're missing out on.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Did you just... Did you just call me sweetie?

Yeah, I thought I should have a pet name for you.

I thought it might be cute.

Oh, but not "sweetie", though.

It sounds like my Uncle Barry.

It doesn't have to be "sweetie". We could go with... bae?

Bae. Who are you, Jay Z?

Or honey. I quite like people who call each other "honey".

It kind of sounds like "sweetie".

Let's put a moratorium on all sweeteners.

What about... "precious"?

Gollum. No, I heard it as soon as I said it.

I quite like "mate" as a term of endearment.

Mate? Hm. What's mate?

I've never done with any of my mates what we did the other night.

Well, your mates are really missing out.

THEY LAUGH

'Some stats released today

'say that Sydney has the worst traffic in Australia.

'That's right, 40% of people...'

Talia, why are you driving?

Simoni's having some sort of anxiety episode.

I'm not anxious. I've got nothing to be anxious about.

I see you got your Ps. Yeah.

Oh, congrats. Oh, thanks.

I've been thinking about getting my Ps.

Wait, you don't have a licence? No.

But you drive to work every day.

And I've never had a crash!

I'm saving my Ps money to go to New York.

Oh, I'd love to go to New York.

I'm seeing Dreshenka, this amazing psychic who can lift curses.

How often do you see her? I try to go once a year.

You must get cursed a lot. It happens to successful women.

God, maybe I have a curse I need to get lifted.

Get this, apparently the virgin hair thief

used my code to get into the store room. No way!

Yeah. How do you know?

Well, apparently my code was the last one to be used,

so all fingers are pointed at me now.

What I'm about to say cannot leave this car, OK?

OK. Sure.

I don't have the ability to lift curses,

but I have been taught how to detect them.

I'm gonna need some silence.

Oh, please! Talia, I'll try you first.

SHE HUMS

Yeah, you're good. Yes, I knew it. Really?

Do you want me to try you, Simoni?

No, I'm fine, thank you. Are you sure?

Yeah, thanks. No, I'm all right, actually. It doesn't hurt.

No, no. What's gonna happen? Go with it.

Come on. What do you have to lose?

No way. Simoni, chill out, all right?

You've had a terrible time lately and you've been acting really weird.

Maybe you do have a little cursey-wursey.

I-I haven't been acting weird. I've just been... thinking a lot.

Actually, I've been thinking that, erm, that you're right.

We should call the bar Namaste And Chill.

Yep. No.

I think we should keep it as Cabernet Shavasana.

OK, if that's what you really want.

What I really want is to find out who stole that fucking hair.

'We've got breaking news from Auburn.

'There's been a three-car collision on Rawson Street.

'Best to avoid the area as traffic delays...'

His name's Gav. His missus kicked him out last night

so he's staying at mine. Is he all right?

Yeah, he's asleep.

Are you sure it's nothing a bit more serious?

I mean, I can't hear or see him breathe.

What, do you think he's dead? Can you check?

He's not fucking dead. Would it kill you just to check?

Gav.

Gav. Gav.

Gav. Gav!

Nah, he's all right. He'll fall sleep anywhere, that kid.

He's got motion narcolepsy. He once fell asleep in a tuk-tuk.

Woke up without a kidney. He falls asleep in his forklift all the time.

That sounds dangerous.

Yeah, well, lucky they've promoted some new management

to start clamping down on that sort of thing.

Have they promoted Dave? I always knew Dave was management material.

Oh, fuck you. Hey, congratulations, Macca!

Was that cos of the quiz?

Final question. Scores level. What's the capital of Canada?

That trips a lot of people up.

Yeah, well, I say to my teammates, "Ottawa!"

And they say, "Are you sure it's not Vancouver?"

And I say "Fuckin' lock in Ottawa, bitches."

The other team locks in Toronto. Answer comes in - fucking Ottawa!

Crowd cheers. The higher ups shook my hand. Dave was furious!

It was beautiful. And then they made you a manager?

Yeah, well, I've just been applying for years.

I just think Ottawa just tipped 'em over the edge, you know?

Ah, congratulations, mate. Thanks mate. 57K plus overtime.

Oh! Awesome.

No more rooting workmates in the packaging area.

I'm a manager now. Good for you, mate.

I'll just fuck 'em in the staff room.

'Darling, Gary here.

'Gary hasn't seen his Snookie or Mooshie or Chlo-Chlo

'in a long while... Sad face.

'Hey, Bridget. Gary again. Just checking in.'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE

'Bridge! Gary here. Is everything OK?'

'Just checking in. Again!'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE

'OK, now this is feeling stalky but I really wanna...'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE 'I know where you live.

'Hee, hee, hee, hee! That was definitely a joke.

'How are all my...'

Wow.

Way to ghost Gary, Mum.

Is that what's it called?

Yeah, I do it to you all the time. Do you honestly think I'm that busy?

Well, you only ever do it when you're with Vijay...

because you're obviously having sex.

Sorry, Mum.

I can't break up with Gaz, not yet. Do you know how long it's taken me

to find a man who actually likes you two?

I mean, he really likes you two. It's incredible.

He's thinking of getting a tattoo with your birth times.

But you don't like him! But he likes you!

But we don't like him!

As you get older you put up with some unbearable shit

in exchange for companionship.

My point is, Mum, you don't need a man to make you feel whole, OK?

You're an amazing woman, even if you are a snoop.

You're 100% right. I'm over it.

It doesn't matter how many times I clean the sink

after Gary's trimmed his nostril hairs,

there's always one left staring right back up at me.

PHONE RINGS

Gary! Hi!

'Oh, I've missed you, Bridge. How about dinner tonight?

'Your shout! That was a joke. We'll split it like usual.'

Sounds lovely, Gary.

SHE MOUTHS

So much bad luck.

I mean, I must have missed the day I trod on a cat,

on a black cat, sorry. Near a ladder. On a ladder.

If the cat's on the ladder, smashed the mirrors. I don't even know it.

'What-What's happened now?'

Barney's gone missing. 'Oh. Oh!'

"Oh", that's it. That's all you can bring to this, is "Oh".

'Well, look, dogs go walkabout.'

Walkabout? I'm pretty sure you can't say that now.

'Well, it's what they do, and then they come back.'

Oh, really, that's your wisdom (!) I tell you what,

for a career counsellor you make a terrible shrink.

I reckon he knew. He would have known. He's a sentient being.

Dogs know stuff.

He would have known I was gonna get his balls lopped off.

'Oh. OK. I'm clicking on Barney's photo on your Facebook page.'

Why are you on my Facebook page?

'Anyway, I'm going to drag it over to a lost dog page. There we are.

'And now how do you want me to describe him?'

I dunno. I don't wanna do this right now.

'OK, well, if you can't do it, maybe Barney can.

'I mean, how would Barney describe himself?'

I guess he'd kind of say like, "Oh, hi, I'm Barney and I'm a good boy."

'Right, well, you don't have to do the voice.'

Yeah, but I feel like I should do the voice. It feels natural.

'OK, but I-I just can't understand a thing that you're saying.'

OK, I dunno, like, he'd be, like, "Hi, I'm Barney. I'm a good boy.

"I love cheese slices. I eat any unattended food."

Once devoured a whole bag of plain flour

and did the weirdest poo the next day.

'Really?' Yeah. He eats sunglasses as well.

I don't know why, but he loves chewing.

The more expensive the better as well.

I guess he's got his daddy's taste.

'Do you have anything more descriptive?'

He's a furry little fella with a devilish little... a devilish soul.

Little rascal. He reminds me of a pirate. He's like a pirate dog.

Like a... He's got, like, a nautical vibe with little...

little chocolate drop eyes you could just get lost in.

He jumps on my bed.

I'm like, "Good morning", and he's like, "Good morning".

Oh, little beautiful fella. He's probably dead!

He's probably dead, isn't he? He's probably dead because I'm an idiot.

'Henry Lawson Drive is closed at Newbridge Road

'due to a two-truck crash, so avoid the area if you can.

'It's 9am. Have a safe day at work.'

'It's just gone 5pm and we're getting reports of a wayward wallaby

'seen between Harbour and Liverpool Streets.

'Police are asking motorists in the area to exercise...'

Hey, Sim, if you're gonna brake, can you just do it slowly

because I don't want to mess up my nails. Sorry.

You keep saying sorry. I've always said sorry.

When haven't I said sorry?

What about the time you wet the bed at school camp

and you blamed it on me? It was you.

OK, let it go. What about the time you let Omar finger you

the night after he fingered me?

I loved him. And you knew that when he fingered you the first night!

OK, details. The point is you never apologise for anything.

Cos I never do anything wrong. Until now.

Look, I'm sorry but I haven't done anything.

Then what are you apologising for? I'm sorry, but I'm not apologising.

It's so annoying. Just stop it, all right?

Sorry. SIGHS

OK, can you help me because I wanna get into my iPad?

Can you unlock it? My nails are wet. Sorry.

Yeah, can you put my passcode in? Sure, sorry.

Great.

So you know my passcode?

Yeah, it's iForgot. You use it for everything.

Oh, do I just? Yes.

It's the same passcode that was used at the storeroom

of the Virgin Haircut salon?

How would I know? Hm. Well, then you wouldn't mind

if I just checked the five most recent Google searches on the iPad.

Siri, can you bring up Safari? Siri, no. Siri, yes.

Siri, don't listen to her.

OK, look at what we have here.

Number one. "How do you sell stolen goods?"

Number two. "How do you get away with a crime?"

Number three. "How to cook a steak to medium..."

It's two and a half minutes! I told you that, Simoni! I know that!

Number four. "How to sell hair on the dark web."

Number five. "What is the dark web?"

Look, just don't jump to any conclusions.

What? That my best friend stole the virgin hair and framed me for it?

As if I didn't know! I didn't mean to frame you for it.

I didn't know they'd be checking the codes that went in.

I did it for Namaste. I did it for us.

You did it for you. No!

Look, I know what I did was wrong, Talia,

but just please don't hate me for it, OK?

Stop the car. No. Stop the car!

I need you to understand why I did this. I know why you did it.

It turns out that playing second banana isn't that fun, is it, Sim?

Yeah, you want to be Conan.

You don't wanna be the fat guy on the couch.

You want to be in the driver's seat. Exactly.

What makes you think I'm different?

Because you're very, very lazy. Apart from that.

I wanted you to be lazy but in our own bar!

There isn't gonna be any bar.

I'm considering giving up yoga and taking up CrossFit or something.

CrossFit! Are you joking? Now stop the car!

No! Stop it!

You're gonna ruin your nails if you open the door. Fine.

Keep driving.

What's with the roses? You auditioning for The Bachelor?

No, it's Anah's birthday. What's with the dolls?

My bucks. I thought you had real strippers.

I do. But some of the boys are married,

so I whack 'em on the dolls.

Isn't that cheating as well?

Well, the third umpire hasn't ruled on that.

So why don't you pop down?

We'll whack you on a doll, you'll be happy as Larry.

I don't wanna be whacked on a doll.

I'd be very self-conscious, sitting there

doing whatever to a beach ball in the shape of a woman.

Mate, they're very sophisticated these days,

and you wouldn't be doing whatever with her - you'd be rooting her.

I'm just waiting for a redundancy package so I get myself a sex robot.

I don't give a fuck who knows about it, eh?

Everyone gets all up in arms when I talk about it,

but what's the difference between a robot and a dildo?

One has a face?

Yeah, that's it, but... That's literally the only difference.

The relationship between humans and our artificial counterparts

dates back to the myths of ancient Greece,

where Pygmalion's statue was brought to life with a kiss.

We've always been fascinated with it.

But, you know, with the dawn of the era of sex robots

people can explore their sexual proclivities

without fear of judgment.

Yeah, that all sounds great,

but do you have to buy the robot dinner first?

And do you have to programme it for low expectations?

Well, I don't think youse are taking this seriously enough, eh?

Yeah, but aren't you concerned that

when robots eventually overthrow humankind

they'll seek revenge on everyone

that's taken advantage of them sexually?

What's your response, Gav?

SNORES

POP, HISSING

Oh, fuck!

What?

Your roses just punctured one of my blow-up dolls!

Why did you put your dolls next to the roses?

There's nowhere else to put 'em!

Oh, here's an idea - don't bring them.

If you're gonna re-commit to your marriage,

don't piss around the edges, just re-commit.

I can't.

That's the most mature thing you've ever said.

No, I can't because she's called it off. She's left me.

HE SIGHS

I'm... I'm sorry, mate. I...

What's happening with your bucks? No, that's still on.

Sumo-Midget-Milfs don't do refunds, but that's about all they don't do,

so... swings and roundabouts.

CRYING

"With a heavy heart I relay

"That I am Breaking up with you today

"In my mind's eye Scans the flesh of fresh lady game

"It's not you, it's me And also my mother

"Who hates That I'm dating a white lady

"Love for the rest of my days

"But no longer that kind of love Vijay."

Break-up poem. That's not a bad idea.

Mum, I can't believe how insensitive you're being!

I'm never gonna recover from this! I'm sorry, Moosh.

I know this all seems pretty tough right now

but, believe me, in a few weeks you'll be up and about

and ready to be hurt again.

Mum, are you even listening to me?

I've just had my heart ripped out and all you can think about is...

Ripping out Gary's heart.

I know. It's all-consuming. I'm sorry, Moosh.

Do you care at all?

Of course. But you can do way better, heaps better.

I wish Gary would break up with me.

God, I'm so jealous of you right now.

'A westbound lane on Parramatta Road, Auburn,

'is closed at Rawson Street due to a paint spill,

'so allow some extra time.'

Sorry it's come to this, Barney, old mate. I'm sorry, buddy.

I thought you'd just gone back to, like, give Daisy another one,

then I find out it's Blue, her brother.

Hey? Welcome to the party.

God, I had no idea. Just don't ever leave me again, Barney boy.

Don't ever leave me.

BARNEY WHIMPERS

Your balls? The vet took 'em. They're gone.

I'm so... I'm so sorry they're gone. Look, testicles are garnish.

It's just something on the side there

to make the main meal more appetising.

You know what I mean? Like, it's a bit of, like...

It's a bit of parsley on a plate of horrible, horrible food.

Think of it like this - back in the 15th century, eunuchs were cool.

Oh, a eunuch is like, with no balls. Like a no-balls person.

They used to hang out with the Chinese emperor.

It was a swinging time. And the castrati. They were popular.

They were the pop stars of...

They were the Emma Buntons and Kylie Minogues, if you will.

Very, very popular.

You know how they did that?

They'd, like, er... And you got off like pretty lightly.

They'd, like, pop 'em in a bath of hot water,

and a priest, Catholic, I think -

which is a bit dodgy if you think about it now -

would sit opposite the young boy before they went into puberty

and just massage away their testicles

until they just disintegrated between their fingers.

Pp-pp. Just pop away like a warm grape or a quail egg.

Yeah, you did... What? PHONE RINGS

Davis! 'Hey.'

Hey, I've got some good news for you. I found Barney.

'Oh, great!'

Yeah, bad news, though - we took him to get the snip.

'Well, I think it's for the best.

'Hopefully he won't feel the need to go chasing skirt.'

Well, as it turns out Barney's a bit of a trouser man. Aren't you, Barn?

Bit of a trouser boy. 'Just like his dad.'

Oh! Oh, I've got more news.

I've decided I'm gonna take the redundancy.

'Smart. Good for you. What about the lawsuit?'

Well, you know, we're just gonna have to, I guess, man up.

I mean, the household used to have four balls, now we've got two.

Mine are gonna have to be twice as big. Sorry about that, Barn.

'Well, that's really great.'

And thanks for calling me on FaceTime.

Now I can see you... What... ..you can see me, for better or worse.

And you're in your jarmies. 'Oh. shit!'

Hey, Davis. Davis!

He's cute.

He's a cutie, wootie, wootie. He's a good boy.

'All westbound lanes at Hoxton Park Road, Liverpool

'are now open after that car crash.'

Why does nobody indicate any more?

It's like we live in a post-indicator society.

Mm.

So what do you reckon, pasta or potato salad?

Hm? For Sunday.

What Sunday? Kara's birthday.

Kara? Angie's daughter.

Angie? My niece. Oh!

Yes. Have I been just monologuing into a vacuum for the last...

I'm sorry! I'm just a bit distracted.

Is everything OK? Yes.

Is this because I bought you a toothbrush?

No.

Is it the "I love you" thing?

Because for the 11th time, I was asleep when I said that.

Yeah, and for the 11th time, don't worry about it.

I still think on some level it freaked you out

and I just wanna make sure you understand that I don't love you.

Oh, it's not every day a girl gets told, "I don't love you."

SHE SIGHS

I got offered a job.

Great! What is it?

It's a management role in a start-up.

Lots of opportunity for promotion and travel.

Amazing. Do you have to interview?

No. It's a straight offer if I want it.

If you want it? Are you kidding? Take it!

I did.

Am I missing something here?

This is not the face of a person who just got offered their dream job.

It's on the Gold Coast.

Congratulations. Thank you.

I'll just come up weekends.

I've got loads of frequent flyers on my fuel card.

I don't know.

What's there to know?

I told you I-I don't want a relationship.

Yeah, I told you I didn't want a relationship either,

but-but surely we changed our minds?

That was before I got an interstate job.

I can relocate.

Even Queenslanders need deliveries, right?

Why would you uproot your life like that?

We haven't even known each other long enough.

I don't want that sort of responsibility.

Are you... Are you... I'm OK. I'm fine!

I'm just thinking about this YouTube vid I saw about this guy

who could only see in black and white,

and for his birthday his wife got him these special glasses

so he could see colour for the first time,

and he was like a little boy.

He was this 60-year-old bloke, but he was like a six-year-old

just looking around at the sky and the trees

and seeing colour for the first time.

It was just really, really sad.

That's... That's beautiful.

HOOTS HORN

Use your bloody indicators!

Macca, if you want to keep getting lifts you'll be wearing pants.

What about my ventilation? I couldn't give a shit.

You couldn't give a shit?!

Macca... his car, his rules.

Shut up, Judge Judy. I liked you better when you were dead.

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