All language subtitles for Squinters S01E04 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

Jess rang,

and she said she's violated
our open marriage agreement

by sleeping with one of my mates.

So, Gary, Mum says you're a spy.

He certainly went undercover
last night.

Deep into enemy territory.

It's $24,000.
What even is virgin hair?

You know, you could do a lot
with $24,000.

Have you thought any more about
turning me into a diamond?

Because I've found a cheaper option
if you're too mean to pay for that.

They hike your body up into
the Andes... Yeah.

..and they drop you into a crack
in the glacier. Right.

When the ice melts eventually,
out you come, perfectly preserved.

How much do they charge for that?
$7,000.

$7,000 to dump you in a glacier?
Mm.

Wow. What happens, like, you know,
what happens if it melts?

Hundreds of dead people are just
gonna, like, spew forth, like...

like carcasses just sliding down
the side of a pristine mountain.

That is a revolting option.
And historians'll be able to say,

"These are the bodies of people
whose sons were too stingy

"to turn them into diamonds."

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love
The one you love

# Is with someone else?

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road. #

RADIO: 'It's a smoother ride
for Western Sydney drivers

'this morning, as the new section
of the M4 upgrade has just opened.

'It's 8am. Let's hope
the happy days are here to stay.'

Did you know the Romans cleaned
their teeth with urine?

Their own urine? Cos otherwise
that would be disgusting.

I thought it was rubbish,
and I had a massive argument

with Virat from HR at the drinks.

So I googled it when I got home,
and it's true.

So now I have to apologise.

I'm surprised you remember anything.

Excuse me? I wasn't that drunk.
You were drunker than I was.

I had two mid-strengths in, like,
five hours. I was driving.

Well, you got up and did karaoke.

I'm perfectly capable
of doing karaoke sober,

thank you very much.

You sang Beautiful
by Christina Aguilera.

It's an awesome song.
Twice.

It bears repetition.
You were in tears by the end of it.

I won't let your words get me down,
Romi.

If I was really drunk,
I would've sung Dirrty.

SHE CHUCKLES

You don't really think I would've
driven you home drunk, do you?

Ah, you didn't drive me.
I got an Uber. No, you didn't.

Yeah, I remember, because
the Uber driver was a real buzzkill.

He kept getting annoyed
because I wanted him to pull over

so I could steal an orange cone.

That was me.

Ya... drunkard.

Oh, shit.

HE CHUCKLES

I was wondering why my Uber rating
hadn't gone down.

Do you remember anything about me
dropping you home last night?

Yes. Yes, I do remember.

You, you are a real gentleman.

I remember. Thank you so much.
Yes, I was a real gentleman.

And I know you don't remember...

..cos you haven't talked about
the kiss.

What kiss?

You kissed me.

On the cheek.
On the mouth.

A peck.
A pash.

I was probably just being polite.

Is there such a thing
as a polite pash?

Besides, you, like, licked
the inside of the front of my teeth.

Oh, I'm sorry if I offended
your delicate sensitivities,

Miss Aguilera.
It won't happen again.

No, hold on, that's not what
I'm saying. I'm just...

I thought you might want a debrief
about it.

Look, even,
even if you did kiss me...

You kissed me, Rom...
Whatever.

I kiss all my friends goodbye.
On the lips?

What's the big deal?
You kiss your cat on the lips.

I think we should leave Kurt Tippett
out of this.

You know at some stage every day,
Kurt Tippett licks his bottom.

And then you put your lips
on his lips.

And then you put your lips
on my lips.

Well, you should get your lips
disinfected.

You should... get your mum...
disinfected.

RADIO: 'OK, we've got a CBD alert.

'Liverpool Street is closed
at Kent Street

'due to a building fire.'

What does it mean that
Kosciuszko's stocks have plummeted?

You're the management guru,
you tell me.

Does it have something to do
with stocktake?

You're joking, aren't you?

Well, why does the word "stock"
have to be in everything?

Why do we have to do stocktake?

Do we really have to log
every single thing?

But you have been logging
everything?

Yeah, but you know,
it's a bit boastful, isn't it?

How hard is it to tell someone
to get the Nicolas Cage pillowcase

out of the warehouse
and pop it in an envelope?

"Oh, I'd better log it
so everyone knows that I did it."

And you're so busy logging,
you forget to follow your dreams.

No, it's not gonna be like that.
I can feel it in my bones.

We're gonna be out of Kosci
very soon. Very soon.

Well, I hope your bones are right
because honestly,

ever since I started at Kosciuszko,

my bowel schedule's
just been all over the show.

We leave so early in the morning.

And have you noticed
that Janine from admin,

she's always lurking around
the bathrooms.

Yeah, she's like
some sort of potty police.

Yeah, I have to go upstairs to IT
if I wanna poo

because no-one knows me there.
Well, they do now.

They probably call you The Poo Lady.
OK, they work in IT,

I bet they're just grateful to see
a woman.

I've never been a workplace pooer.
What?!

What if you have to go?
I just wait till I get home.

No!
Yep.

OK, you at least fart at work,
right?

Never.

Yes, you do!
I never fart full stop.

What?!
Yeah.

You've never farted?
No, I don't.

Don't bullshit me.
I don't fart, OK? You totally do.

Just leave it.
There's no way you don't fart.

I don't fart
or I used to get belted.

Hey, your shoulder pad's coming out.

Yeah, Barney got into
all my clothes.

He's pulled apart
the whole wardrobe.

He's chewed up me Air Jordans.

Eric's had enough.
He pissed off on Tuesday.

Why do you always take him back?

It's not a matter
of taking him back. We ARE together.

Oh, if you're together,
I've got all me own teeth.

You do have all your own teeth.
Anyway...

the bottom line is,
you have to have Barney de-sexed.

Oh, come on. I'm not gonna get
the balls snipped off my best mate.

I should've had your father done
when he ran off

with that bow-legged farm girl.

Tina? Tina was a nurse.

Oh, she was a cow with a big arse.
A bovine hippo.

Yeah, well, she was heavy set,
but, you know, steady on.

Anyway, did you talk to Miles?

Yes, and he said he's gonna
represent me, so that's good.

Well, just tell him if he doesn't,
I'm cutting him out of the will.

OK. Although, as much as
we're hanging out for that,

thank you, Mum,
that's very kind of you.

So, what's the doctor
looking at today?

Oh. Every time I raise my eyebrows,
I get dizzy.

Give us a look. Show us.
No, I'll get dizzy.

Yeah, but, like,
it can't make you that dizzy.

Like, you just... How's it go?

All right, look. Oh!

Oh, jeez, that's no good, is it?

RADIO: 'All northbound lanes
have reopened on Centenary Drive

'after a car breakdown on the M4.'

When we open Cabernet Shavasana,

I want the staff to be comfortable
at work.

Oh, my God, that is so important.
Yeah, no judgement.

Totally. It needs to be a place
where people are comfortable to poo.

Yeah. You know, it needs to be
a sanctuary for everyone.

You know, like a bar for gay people.
A bar for old people.

A bar for pregnant women.

Yeah, a bar for people
with irritable bowel syndrome.

Like, you know, no judgement.
No judgement.

Just no judgement
at Salute the Grape.

Yeah. Ooh, we should call it
Breathe and Sip.

Or, um, ah, Chakra and Chugged.

Oh, yeah. Or, um,
"Hey, welcome to Buddha Lid On It.

"I hope you enjoy your wine."
"Oh, did you hear that Time Out

"just gave Namaste With Me
five stars?"

"Oh, my God,
did you hear that after ten,

"Namaste and Drink turns into
Downward Doggy Style? It's crazy."

Wordplay is fun.
I know, isn't it?

But it is gonna be called
Cabernet Shavasana

because that's what it's called
and we stop now, and that's the end.

Did you have sex with someone?
I most certainly did, Ned.

Jess's tally stands at 12,

and now mine's at a respectable
one, but who's counting?

Did you do it standing up again?

No, retired to the bed this time,
Neddy.

But, you know, still managed
to get up to a fair bit of nonsense.

I bet you did.
Yeah, she looked amazing.

Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing
was on loop.

I was in pretty good fuckin' form.

And then about 15 minutes in,
I realised...

I love my wife.

You didn't know till then?

No, I had no idea.

So yeah. Yeah, turns out Jess
isn't that bad after all,

and, you know, I miss her,

and I don't think
I wanna be with anyone else.

So you stopped it
with the other woman,

just there and then? Just...

Nah, I finished the job.
I'm not insane.

Oh.
But yeah, anyway, the next morning,

after I rooted her again,
I went straight home to Jess,

and I asked her if she wanted
to have a closed marriage,

and she said yes.

Really?
Yeah!

Oh, mate, that's great.
I'm happy for you. Thanks, mate.

Yeah, nice.
Yeah, yeah. So we're gonna have

a recommitment ceremony,
which you and Anah are invited to.

Oh, thanks, mate.
That'd be lovely, hey? Yeah.

Have you thought about a best man,
by any chance or...?

Nah, I'm just doin' it
the modern way.

I've sent out a group email,

and the first prick that says yes
gets the gig.

Really?
Yeah.

OK. Cos, um...

I checked my emails before
coming in today,

and I didn't get anything from ya,
so...

What, you thought you were in
with a shot of being best man?

Well, I'm not fixated or anything,
but you know,

I thought I'd be somewhere in
the mix, yeah.

Mate, you're about fuckin' 27th
in line.

27th? Wow.
Well, yeah, at least.

OK. Well, I haven't seen
any of the other 26 guys

driving you to and from work
every day.

But, hey, I'm here if you need me.

I won't.
If you do, I'm here.

Ned.
Yes, Macca?

Will you be my best man?

What rhymes with "heart"?

Dart. Tart. Fart. K-Mart. Why?

The school talent quest is today,

and everyone's gonna be singing
Hallelujah,

so I'm writing something for myself.
Do you wanna hear it?

Sure, Moosh.
I just don't understand.

Sometimes,
I think I really like Gary,

and other times,
I think I legitimately hate him.

Totally.
Who sends his girlfriend's daughter

a text message during her exams?
It's creepy.

Look, his heart's in
the right place.

Maybe he's just a little on
the spectrum. Nobody's perfect.

Vijay's perfect.
Nope, he's definitely not perfect.

Is too.
Is not. He's a genius.

Let's not throw that word around,
shall we?

We're talking about a boy
who can't play Scrabble.

Ah, he's never played before.
And "supposably" is not a word.

But, back to me.
What are we gonna do about Gary?

Have you talked to someone else
about this? No.

Why don't we make
a pros and cons list?

What do you like about him?

Uh...

Um...

Pfft. I guess there's...

Nothing. OK.
No, no, no, no, don't write yet.

He...

..has lovely teeth! The bottom ones
aren't crowded at all.

That's good genes.

That it?

I like his name.
Gary?

No, no, no, cancel that.

What don't you like about him?

He wears bad-fitting jeans,
generic sneakers,

he flosses his teeth
outside of the bathroom,

he talks about himself
in the third person,

he calls movies "the pictures",
he eats loudly,

doesn't wave
when somebody lets him in.

He tries to finish my sentences,
always get it wrong.

He wears too much aftershave
and not enough deodorant.

He won't go anywhere
until he's Yelped it,

and he actually writes the reviews.
Yeah, that's a good one.

So, if this were The Voice,

no-one would've turned around,
not even Delta. No.

Poor Gary.
Oh, he'll live. He's a big boy.

Can I do my song for you now?

Sure, Moosh, but don't expect me
to be one of those stage mums

who thinks their kid's gonna change
the world.

I refuse to fill your head
with false hope and hollow dreams.

It's tantamount to child abuse...

# Sometimes we can fight
We don't always get it right

# I'll never love another

# She's way more than a mother

# She's my best friend, my mother. #

Well, you are clearly a genius!

We have to get that song on
the radio.

If you don't win today,
I'm taking you out

of that useless school
and sending you

to a private performance academy,
no matter what it costs.

RADIO: 'We're just hearing now
that a truck has lost

'its contents on Silverwater Road
and is slowing traffic.

'It's 9am. Try and avoid the area
on your way to work.'

RADIO: 'It's 5pm.
All westbound lanes on the M4

'are open near the Northern Road
after an earlier car crash.

'Enjoy a safe drive home.'

Guess if I'm gonna put it into
a fun kinda way,

I'd sum this up by saying he's a,
he's a cat person.

Doesn't like the old Barney.

ON CAR PHONE: 'What, did he say
it was actually over?'

Well, no, not really.
But, like, in his matter of fact,

kind of anal retentive beady-eyed
bloody way,

I guess, yeah, it's definitely over.
So you know what happened, OK?

So, we're having a fun night
at home. Like, it's a lovely night,

we're mucking around and then, uh,
Barney bloody bit...

He bit Eric's sausage.

'I'm sorry, he bit his...?'
Yeah, he's jumped up on the table,

he's got over-excited,
nicked a bratwurst.

Like, Eric was in the kitchen,
he didn't even see.

So Barney's tearing around the house

with bloody Eric's sausage
in his mouth.

I'm like, "Look at that, Eric,
Barney's got your sausage.

"He's bitten your bratwurst.
He's having a suck on a saveloy."

You know, just thinking it was fun,
and I was laughing.

And Eric's, like,
just stony-faced and all serious.

Like, "Oh, nah, nah, nah,
you're just encouraging him",

which I was
cos it was very, very funny.

Then Eric rings me today
and he goes, "About last night,

"that was incredibly homophobic."
I'm like, "What?"

He accused Barney
of also being homophobic.

The dog. Barney the dog.

I mean, I've done so much work
for the bloody "Yes" vote,

and then he offers me an ultimatum
and I'm like, "Good. That's it.

"You're gone. Good night."

'Why don't you get Barney de-sexed?'

Why-Why is THAT the conclusion
you would pull from this? No!

I'm not gonna neuter my only friend.

'Well, he's not your only friend.
I'm your friend.'

Yeah, well, that's different.
You're a paid friend.

You're like a...

You're like a friend prostitute,
if that was a thing.

That could be a business.
You could be a friend prostitute.

'Yeah, but it doesn't mean
I wouldn't do it for free.'

Would ya? Would ya...?
What, you'd give me a freebie?

You'd... A free friend?

'Of course I'd give you a freebie.'

That is really sweet. Thank you.
Thank you, Davis.

'You're welcome, Lukas.'

And I'll, um...

..I'll take Barney's testicles into
my consideration.

Female kangaroos have three vaginas.

The longest time between twins
being born is 87 days. Fuck!

The longest time between twins
being born is 87 days.

The largest snowflake
ever recorded...

What are you doing?
I'm just getting some facts into me.

We've got the annual
warehouse quiz tomorrow.

I've never seen you this focussed
on something not related to sex.

Yeah, well, some of the higher-ups
are gonna be there,

and I know you might find this hard
to believe, Ned,

but I don't think they
really rate me, intelligence-wise,

so this is a good chance
to change perceptions.

Why don't you think
they rate you, intelligence-wise?

Well, I must have applied
for a management position 37 times

and I haven't got one interview.

You reckon if you do well
in the quiz,

they'll change their minds?
I gotta take any chance I can get.

Yeah, fair enough. If I wanna start
making the big bucks.

I mean, what are you on,
about 60 grand a year?

Yeah. Yeah, something like that.
Around...

Yeah, see? If you're on
60 grand a year,

I mean, I should be on
at least 65, 70.

I mean, look at us, you know?
Mm.

And when I took an IQ test
in Grade 4,

the teachers told my mum
I was a fuckin' genius.

"Genius" is a big word, mate.

Are you calling my teachers liars?

No, just the human brain develops
at different times.

So a genius in Grade 4 might be
an adult

of just only average intelligence.

Are you calling me an adult
of only average intelligence?

No, but if you smoke ten bongs a day
for 12 years straight,

your brain's gonna develop in
a slower...

I don't know.
I'd have to give you an IQ test.

Well, go on, then.
Ask me a question.

What, like a quiz style question?
Any question.

All right. Erm...
OK, who invented the radio?

Dunno. Next question.
Marconi.

What country
has the largest population?

India.
China.

Next question.
Uh, what year was the moon landing?

What, you mean "the moon landing"?

No, I mean the moon landing.
Fuck.

I thought you'd be smart enough
not to be sucked in

by the NASA staged
"Apollo moon landing".

What?

For starters, no astronaut
would've survived the radiation

from the Van Allen radiation belt.

And, tell me this.

If there's no wind on the moon,
why did the American flag flutter?

Have you seen that spaceship?
It looks like it's made of alfoil.

I can't cook salmon
without making a hole in the alfoil.

How's it gonna leave the atmosphere
and stay in one piece?

Is that gonna be your answer?

If they ask me that question, yeah.

Well, good luck
with your $65,000-a-year job.

Well, good luck at comin' to
my fuckin' wedding.

You and your wife
are both disinvited,

and you can stick best man
up your arse!

Oh, good,
cos I don't wanna stand up there,

watching you and your wife
lie to each other and yourselves.

Fuck you! You're using my DUI charge
as a way to buy a mate.

Oh, is that right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like a little sucker fish

just sucking
on the back of a bull shark.

And I'm the bull shark.
You're so inconsequential...

Oh, that's a big word for you.
..that I, the bull shark,

couldn't even be fucked
shaking you off.

Hey, Macca.
What?

Go fuck yourself.

I can't!
Why not?!

Crook fuckin' neck!

RADIO: 'You'll be pleased to hear
that fallen tree branch

'on Parramatta Road
near Missenden Road has been removed

'and all westbound...'

So glad you won.

Thanks, Mum. Can you drop me
at Vijay's? We're gonna celebrate.

Oh, and how will you two celebrate?

Like, what will you do?
Talk me through it.

Um, order a pizza, binge-watch,
lay on the couch.

L-shaped couch? Does Vijay like
to stretch his legs out

or do you prefer to snuggle on
a love seat-type arrangement?

Stop being weird.
Why are you being weird?

Planning on celebrating
with his parents, too?

Since when have you cared
if his parents are home or not?

I'm just trying to be
a responsible single parent

who loves her daughter very much.

Again, stop being weird.

Well, stop having sex!
Oh, my God!

Did you read my iDiary, Mum?
Holy fuck!

You are a closed book, Mia.

Chloe talks to me more,
and she can't construct a sentence.

So yes, I may have logged on
for a brief second,

but oh, my,
what a revealing second it was.

I'm moving out. Vijay's parents
have said I can always live there.

What have I told you about the risks
of early intercourse?

The diseases,
the emotional consequences,

the hip dysplasia?
And let's not forget

just a teensy, weensy little thing
called pregnancy.

Yeah, this is a breach of my trust.
Why would you do this to me?!

Why would you breach my trust?!

That dining table
belonged to your grandmother!

I'm moving out.
I'm trying to help!

Oh, here's how you can help.

Don't violate my rights
by reading my diary!

Don't you put this on me.
Yes, I read your iDiary.com,

but you're having sex, Mia.

Big sex.
Big, messy, condom-less sex,

and a lot of it!
A hell of a lot more of it than me!

O-o-oh, that's what this is about.

How dare you. How dare you!

Oh, fucky fuck!

We haven't worked out
what I'm gonna do about Gary.

Oh, well, if I think of anything,
I'll write it in my iDiary

and you can read it there!

BEEPS HORN

Go, go! What are you waiting for?
No, yep, great.

No, don't worry,
we're all mind readers.

So glad I finally get to experience
peak hour traffic.

Everyone says it's awful,

but I feel like
there's a real sense of community.

Get in your fucking lane, bitch.

So sweet of you ladies to give me
a lift. My alternator died.

Oh, you would've done the same
for us.

I don't think so.
It's a bit out of the way for me.

Crazy day at dispatch, am I right?

Oh, my God, it was nuts.
Mm.

Just seemed pretty regular to me.
You don't know what happened?

Oh, she's a bit lower level,
so she probably didn't hear.

None of the non-supervisors did.

And what happened?

Oh, well, someone stole
the $24,000 virgin hair.

Really?
Mm.

Do they have any leads?
No.

I reckon I know who did it.
Who?

Bald men.

Yes. Bald men.
Bald men? Mm.

Brendan in shipping is bald.
Like, really bald.

Like, he's probably
the baldest person I've ever...

Maybe he did it. I don't think so.
Brendan likes being bald.

He rubs oil onto his head
and does that

"look into the crystal ball" thing
at Friday night drinks.

Does it work?
No, he's just lucky.

I mean, it's obvious I'm a Gemini.
Oh.

What are you, S?

Oh, a Virgo.
My cat's a Virgo.

She's really vengeful.

Like, when I get home late,
I find a poo on the bed.

Oh, same with Simoni.
What?!

What are you, Talia?

Oh, thank you so much for asking.

Um, I'm actually an Ophiuchus.

That's not a sign.

Simoni, where have you been?
NASA announced a 13th sign.

I'm so happy I've met an Ophiuchus
for the first time.

Oh, shut up.
What's it like?

Um, well,
it is everything you heard.

And more, actually.

We're a really kind of sensual,
psychic, powerful sign, I think.

That is why you're a supervisor.

HORNS BLARE

Yeah, I've got one as well!
BEEPS HORN

Hey, neighbour. He's hot.

RADIO: 'All westbound lanes
have reopened on the M4

'approaching Church Street

'after flooding from
a burst water main.

'Fortunately,
there's no collateral damage...'

You don't need to pick me up
tomorrow morning.

OK. No worries.

Yeah, I'm gonna be doing
some weird hours

the next couple of weeks.

A bunch of Skype meetings
with different time zones.

I'm flexible.
I can still pick you up.

It's cool, it's cool.
Rochelle said she could do it.

Is this just for the next couple
of days, or...?

Might be for a while.

I fucked up, didn't I?

I knew I shouldn't have mentioned
the kiss. I'm such an idiot.

Let's just forget the whole thing
ever happened, OK? We still mates?

Yeah, of course.

It's just that I really like
hanging out with you.

I don't love the job.

I don't particularly click
with my workmates.

My favourite part of the day
is just talking shit with you,

and I'm gonna miss it.

Me, too.

OK, when we get to mine,
you should come in,

and we'll get some takeaway
from this amazing Indian joint

that actual Indians go to,
and we can keep talking shit.

I don't know. I've got an early
start tomorrow. I was gonna...

I'm not gonna ask you twice.

Yes, please, I'd like to come up.

Cool.

And you can see I hung up that
portrait you creepily painted of me.

It wasn't creepy.
I was doing you a favour.

How else would you know
you've got a wonky eye?

Why are you dressing so doo-er?

Dour?
D-O-U-R.

Do you mean dour?
No, it doesn't rhyme with "sour".

It's dour.
It's doo-er.

"Oh, this is a really grim
and dour feeling."

You don't say, "Oh, this is
a really grim and doo-er feeling."

Yeah, it's doo-er.

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