Original subtitles

Jess rang,

and she said she's violated our open marriage agreement

by sleeping with one of my mates.

So, Gary, Mum says you're a spy.

He certainly went undercover last night.

Deep into enemy territory.

It's $24,000. What even is virgin hair?

You know, you could do a lot with $24,000.

Have you thought any more about turning me into a diamond?

Because I've found a cheaper option if you're too mean to pay for that.

They hike your body up into the Andes... Yeah.

..and they drop you into a crack in the glacier. Right.

When the ice melts eventually, out you come, perfectly preserved.

How much do they charge for that? $7,000.

$7,000 to dump you in a glacier? Mm.

Wow. What happens, like, you know, what happens if it melts?

Hundreds of dead people are just gonna, like, spew forth, like...

like carcasses just sliding down the side of a pristine mountain.

That is a revolting option. And historians'll be able to say,

"These are the bodies of people whose sons were too stingy

"to turn them into diamonds."

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else?

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road. #

RADIO: 'It's a smoother ride for Western Sydney drivers

'this morning, as the new section of the M4 upgrade has just opened.

'It's 8am. Let's hope the happy days are here to stay.'

Did you know the Romans cleaned their teeth with urine?

Their own urine? Cos otherwise that would be disgusting.

I thought it was rubbish, and I had a massive argument

with Virat from HR at the drinks.

So I googled it when I got home, and it's true.

So now I have to apologise.

I'm surprised you remember anything.

Excuse me? I wasn't that drunk. You were drunker than I was.

I had two mid-strengths in, like, five hours. I was driving.

Well, you got up and did karaoke.

I'm perfectly capable of doing karaoke sober,

thank you very much.

You sang Beautiful by Christina Aguilera.

It's an awesome song. Twice.

It bears repetition. You were in tears by the end of it.

I won't let your words get me down, Romi.

If I was really drunk, I would've sung Dirrty.

SHE CHUCKLES

You don't really think I would've driven you home drunk, do you?

Ah, you didn't drive me. I got an Uber. No, you didn't.

Yeah, I remember, because the Uber driver was a real buzzkill.

He kept getting annoyed because I wanted him to pull over

so I could steal an orange cone.

That was me.

Ya... drunkard.

Oh, shit.

HE CHUCKLES

I was wondering why my Uber rating hadn't gone down.

Do you remember anything about me dropping you home last night?

Yes. Yes, I do remember.

You, you are a real gentleman.

I remember. Thank you so much. Yes, I was a real gentleman.

And I know you don't remember...

..cos you haven't talked about the kiss.

What kiss?

You kissed me.

On the cheek. On the mouth.

A peck. A pash.

I was probably just being polite.

Is there such a thing as a polite pash?

Besides, you, like, licked the inside of the front of my teeth.

Oh, I'm sorry if I offended your delicate sensitivities,

Miss Aguilera. It won't happen again.

No, hold on, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just...

I thought you might want a debrief about it.

Look, even, even if you did kiss me...

You kissed me, Rom... Whatever.

I kiss all my friends goodbye. On the lips?

What's the big deal? You kiss your cat on the lips.

I think we should leave Kurt Tippett out of this.

You know at some stage every day, Kurt Tippett licks his bottom.

And then you put your lips on his lips.

And then you put your lips on my lips.

Well, you should get your lips disinfected.

You should... get your mum... disinfected.

RADIO: 'OK, we've got a CBD alert.

'Liverpool Street is closed at Kent Street

'due to a building fire.'

What does it mean that Kosciuszko's stocks have plummeted?

You're the management guru, you tell me.

Does it have something to do with stocktake?

You're joking, aren't you?

Well, why does the word "stock" have to be in everything?

Why do we have to do stocktake?

Do we really have to log every single thing?

But you have been logging everything?

Yeah, but you know, it's a bit boastful, isn't it?

How hard is it to tell someone to get the Nicolas Cage pillowcase

out of the warehouse and pop it in an envelope?

"Oh, I'd better log it so everyone knows that I did it."

And you're so busy logging, you forget to follow your dreams.

No, it's not gonna be like that. I can feel it in my bones.

We're gonna be out of Kosci very soon. Very soon.

Well, I hope your bones are right because honestly,

ever since I started at Kosciuszko,

my bowel schedule's just been all over the show.

We leave so early in the morning.

And have you noticed that Janine from admin,

she's always lurking around the bathrooms.

Yeah, she's like some sort of potty police.

Yeah, I have to go upstairs to IT if I wanna poo

because no-one knows me there. Well, they do now.

They probably call you The Poo Lady. OK, they work in IT,

I bet they're just grateful to see a woman.

I've never been a workplace pooer. What?!

What if you have to go? I just wait till I get home.

No! Yep.

OK, you at least fart at work, right?

Never.

Yes, you do! I never fart full stop.

What?! Yeah.

You've never farted? No, I don't.

Don't bullshit me. I don't fart, OK? You totally do.

Just leave it. There's no way you don't fart.

I don't fart or I used to get belted.

Hey, your shoulder pad's coming out.

Yeah, Barney got into all my clothes.

He's pulled apart the whole wardrobe.

He's chewed up me Air Jordans.

Eric's had enough. He pissed off on Tuesday.

Why do you always take him back?

It's not a matter of taking him back. We ARE together.

Oh, if you're together, I've got all me own teeth.

You do have all your own teeth. Anyway...

the bottom line is, you have to have Barney de-sexed.

Oh, come on. I'm not gonna get the balls snipped off my best mate.

I should've had your father done when he ran off

with that bow-legged farm girl.

Tina? Tina was a nurse.

Oh, she was a cow with a big arse. A bovine hippo.

Yeah, well, she was heavy set, but, you know, steady on.

Anyway, did you talk to Miles?

Yes, and he said he's gonna represent me, so that's good.

Well, just tell him if he doesn't, I'm cutting him out of the will.

OK. Although, as much as we're hanging out for that,

thank you, Mum, that's very kind of you.

So, what's the doctor looking at today?

Oh. Every time I raise my eyebrows, I get dizzy.

Give us a look. Show us. No, I'll get dizzy.

Yeah, but, like, it can't make you that dizzy.

Like, you just... How's it go?

All right, look. Oh!

Oh, jeez, that's no good, is it?

RADIO: 'All northbound lanes have reopened on Centenary Drive

'after a car breakdown on the M4.'

When we open Cabernet Shavasana,

I want the staff to be comfortable at work.

Oh, my God, that is so important. Yeah, no judgement.

Totally. It needs to be a place where people are comfortable to poo.

Yeah. You know, it needs to be a sanctuary for everyone.

You know, like a bar for gay people. A bar for old people.

A bar for pregnant women.

Yeah, a bar for people with irritable bowel syndrome.

Like, you know, no judgement. No judgement.

Just no judgement at Salute the Grape.

Yeah. Ooh, we should call it Breathe and Sip.

Or, um, ah, Chakra and Chugged.

Oh, yeah. Or, um, "Hey, welcome to Buddha Lid On It.

"I hope you enjoy your wine." "Oh, did you hear that Time Out

"just gave Namaste With Me five stars?"

"Oh, my God, did you hear that after ten,

"Namaste and Drink turns into Downward Doggy Style? It's crazy."

Wordplay is fun. I know, isn't it?

But it is gonna be called Cabernet Shavasana

because that's what it's called and we stop now, and that's the end.

Did you have sex with someone? I most certainly did, Ned.

Jess's tally stands at 12,

and now mine's at a respectable one, but who's counting?

Did you do it standing up again?

No, retired to the bed this time, Neddy.

But, you know, still managed to get up to a fair bit of nonsense.

I bet you did. Yeah, she looked amazing.

Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing was on loop.

I was in pretty good fuckin' form.

And then about 15 minutes in, I realised...

I love my wife.

You didn't know till then?

No, I had no idea.

So yeah. Yeah, turns out Jess isn't that bad after all,

and, you know, I miss her,

and I don't think I wanna be with anyone else.

So you stopped it with the other woman,

just there and then? Just...

Nah, I finished the job. I'm not insane.

Oh. But yeah, anyway, the next morning,

after I rooted her again, I went straight home to Jess,

and I asked her if she wanted to have a closed marriage,

and she said yes.

Really? Yeah!

Oh, mate, that's great. I'm happy for you. Thanks, mate.

Yeah, nice. Yeah, yeah. So we're gonna have

a recommitment ceremony, which you and Anah are invited to.

Oh, thanks, mate. That'd be lovely, hey? Yeah.

Have you thought about a best man, by any chance or...?

Nah, I'm just doin' it the modern way.

I've sent out a group email,

and the first prick that says yes gets the gig.

Really? Yeah.

OK. Cos, um...

I checked my emails before coming in today,

and I didn't get anything from ya, so...

What, you thought you were in with a shot of being best man?

Well, I'm not fixated or anything, but you know,

I thought I'd be somewhere in the mix, yeah.

Mate, you're about fuckin' 27th in line.

27th? Wow. Well, yeah, at least.

OK. Well, I haven't seen any of the other 26 guys

driving you to and from work every day.

But, hey, I'm here if you need me.

I won't. If you do, I'm here.

Ned. Yes, Macca?

Will you be my best man?

What rhymes with "heart"?

Dart. Tart. Fart. K-Mart. Why?

The school talent quest is today,

and everyone's gonna be singing Hallelujah,

so I'm writing something for myself. Do you wanna hear it?

Sure, Moosh. I just don't understand.

Sometimes, I think I really like Gary,

and other times, I think I legitimately hate him.

Totally. Who sends his girlfriend's daughter

a text message during her exams? It's creepy.

Look, his heart's in the right place.

Maybe he's just a little on the spectrum. Nobody's perfect.

Vijay's perfect. Nope, he's definitely not perfect.

Is too. Is not. He's a genius.

Let's not throw that word around, shall we?

We're talking about a boy who can't play Scrabble.

Ah, he's never played before. And "supposably" is not a word.

But, back to me. What are we gonna do about Gary?

Have you talked to someone else about this? No.

Why don't we make a pros and cons list?

What do you like about him?

Uh...

Um...

Pfft. I guess there's...

Nothing. OK. No, no, no, no, don't write yet.

He...

..has lovely teeth! The bottom ones aren't crowded at all.

That's good genes.

That it?

I like his name. Gary?

No, no, no, cancel that.

What don't you like about him?

He wears bad-fitting jeans, generic sneakers,

he flosses his teeth outside of the bathroom,

he talks about himself in the third person,

he calls movies "the pictures", he eats loudly,

doesn't wave when somebody lets him in.

He tries to finish my sentences, always get it wrong.

He wears too much aftershave and not enough deodorant.

He won't go anywhere until he's Yelped it,

and he actually writes the reviews. Yeah, that's a good one.

So, if this were The Voice,

no-one would've turned around, not even Delta. No.

Poor Gary. Oh, he'll live. He's a big boy.

Can I do my song for you now?

Sure, Moosh, but don't expect me to be one of those stage mums

who thinks their kid's gonna change the world.

I refuse to fill your head with false hope and hollow dreams.

It's tantamount to child abuse...

# Sometimes we can fight We don't always get it right

# I'll never love another

# She's way more than a mother

# She's my best friend, my mother. #

Well, you are clearly a genius!

We have to get that song on the radio.

If you don't win today, I'm taking you out

of that useless school and sending you

to a private performance academy, no matter what it costs.

RADIO: 'We're just hearing now that a truck has lost

'its contents on Silverwater Road and is slowing traffic.

'It's 9am. Try and avoid the area on your way to work.'

RADIO: 'It's 5pm. All westbound lanes on the M4

'are open near the Northern Road after an earlier car crash.

'Enjoy a safe drive home.'

Guess if I'm gonna put it into a fun kinda way,

I'd sum this up by saying he's a, he's a cat person.

Doesn't like the old Barney.

ON CAR PHONE: 'What, did he say it was actually over?'

Well, no, not really. But, like, in his matter of fact,

kind of anal retentive beady-eyed bloody way,

I guess, yeah, it's definitely over. So you know what happened, OK?

So, we're having a fun night at home. Like, it's a lovely night,

we're mucking around and then, uh, Barney bloody bit...

He bit Eric's sausage.

'I'm sorry, he bit his...?' Yeah, he's jumped up on the table,

he's got over-excited, nicked a bratwurst.

Like, Eric was in the kitchen, he didn't even see.

So Barney's tearing around the house

with bloody Eric's sausage in his mouth.

I'm like, "Look at that, Eric, Barney's got your sausage.

"He's bitten your bratwurst. He's having a suck on a saveloy."

You know, just thinking it was fun, and I was laughing.

And Eric's, like, just stony-faced and all serious.

Like, "Oh, nah, nah, nah, you're just encouraging him",

which I was cos it was very, very funny.

Then Eric rings me today and he goes, "About last night,

"that was incredibly homophobic." I'm like, "What?"

He accused Barney of also being homophobic.

The dog. Barney the dog.

I mean, I've done so much work for the bloody "Yes" vote,

and then he offers me an ultimatum and I'm like, "Good. That's it.

"You're gone. Good night."

'Why don't you get Barney de-sexed?'

Why-Why is THAT the conclusion you would pull from this? No!

I'm not gonna neuter my only friend.

'Well, he's not your only friend. I'm your friend.'

Yeah, well, that's different. You're a paid friend.

You're like a...

You're like a friend prostitute, if that was a thing.

That could be a business. You could be a friend prostitute.

'Yeah, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't do it for free.'

Would ya? Would ya...? What, you'd give me a freebie?

You'd... A free friend?

'Of course I'd give you a freebie.'

That is really sweet. Thank you. Thank you, Davis.

'You're welcome, Lukas.'

And I'll, um...

..I'll take Barney's testicles into my consideration.

Female kangaroos have three vaginas.

The longest time between twins being born is 87 days. Fuck!

The longest time between twins being born is 87 days.

The largest snowflake ever recorded...

What are you doing? I'm just getting some facts into me.

We've got the annual warehouse quiz tomorrow.

I've never seen you this focussed on something not related to sex.

Yeah, well, some of the higher-ups are gonna be there,

and I know you might find this hard to believe, Ned,

but I don't think they really rate me, intelligence-wise,

so this is a good chance to change perceptions.

Why don't you think they rate you, intelligence-wise?

Well, I must have applied for a management position 37 times

and I haven't got one interview.

You reckon if you do well in the quiz,

they'll change their minds? I gotta take any chance I can get.

Yeah, fair enough. If I wanna start making the big bucks.

I mean, what are you on, about 60 grand a year?

Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Around...

Yeah, see? If you're on 60 grand a year,

I mean, I should be on at least 65, 70.

I mean, look at us, you know? Mm.

And when I took an IQ test in Grade 4,

the teachers told my mum I was a fuckin' genius.

"Genius" is a big word, mate.

Are you calling my teachers liars?

No, just the human brain develops at different times.

So a genius in Grade 4 might be an adult

of just only average intelligence.

Are you calling me an adult of only average intelligence?

No, but if you smoke ten bongs a day for 12 years straight,

your brain's gonna develop in a slower...

I don't know. I'd have to give you an IQ test.

Well, go on, then. Ask me a question.

What, like a quiz style question? Any question.

All right. Erm... OK, who invented the radio?

Dunno. Next question. Marconi.

What country has the largest population?

India. China.

Next question. Uh, what year was the moon landing?

What, you mean "the moon landing"?

No, I mean the moon landing. Fuck.

I thought you'd be smart enough not to be sucked in

by the NASA staged "Apollo moon landing".

What?

For starters, no astronaut would've survived the radiation

from the Van Allen radiation belt.

And, tell me this.

If there's no wind on the moon, why did the American flag flutter?

Have you seen that spaceship? It looks like it's made of alfoil.

I can't cook salmon without making a hole in the alfoil.

How's it gonna leave the atmosphere and stay in one piece?

Is that gonna be your answer?

If they ask me that question, yeah.

Well, good luck with your $65,000-a-year job.

Well, good luck at comin' to my fuckin' wedding.

You and your wife are both disinvited,

and you can stick best man up your arse!

Oh, good, cos I don't wanna stand up there,

watching you and your wife lie to each other and yourselves.

Fuck you! You're using my DUI charge as a way to buy a mate.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like a little sucker fish

just sucking on the back of a bull shark.

And I'm the bull shark. You're so inconsequential...

Oh, that's a big word for you. ..that I, the bull shark,

couldn't even be fucked shaking you off.

Hey, Macca. What?

Go fuck yourself.

I can't! Why not?!

Crook fuckin' neck!

RADIO: 'You'll be pleased to hear that fallen tree branch

'on Parramatta Road near Missenden Road has been removed

'and all westbound...'

So glad you won.

Thanks, Mum. Can you drop me at Vijay's? We're gonna celebrate.

Oh, and how will you two celebrate?

Like, what will you do? Talk me through it.

Um, order a pizza, binge-watch, lay on the couch.

L-shaped couch? Does Vijay like to stretch his legs out

or do you prefer to snuggle on a love seat-type arrangement?

Stop being weird. Why are you being weird?

Planning on celebrating with his parents, too?

Since when have you cared if his parents are home or not?

I'm just trying to be a responsible single parent

who loves her daughter very much.

Again, stop being weird.

Well, stop having sex! Oh, my God!

Did you read my iDiary, Mum? Holy fuck!

You are a closed book, Mia.

Chloe talks to me more, and she can't construct a sentence.

So yes, I may have logged on for a brief second,

but oh, my, what a revealing second it was.

I'm moving out. Vijay's parents have said I can always live there.

What have I told you about the risks of early intercourse?

The diseases, the emotional consequences,

the hip dysplasia? And let's not forget

just a teensy, weensy little thing called pregnancy.

Yeah, this is a breach of my trust. Why would you do this to me?!

Why would you breach my trust?!

That dining table belonged to your grandmother!

I'm moving out. I'm trying to help!

Oh, here's how you can help.

Don't violate my rights by reading my diary!

Don't you put this on me. Yes, I read your iDiary.com,

but you're having sex, Mia.

Big sex. Big, messy, condom-less sex,

and a lot of it! A hell of a lot more of it than me!

O-o-oh, that's what this is about.

How dare you. How dare you!

Oh, fucky fuck!

We haven't worked out what I'm gonna do about Gary.

Oh, well, if I think of anything, I'll write it in my iDiary

and you can read it there!

BEEPS HORN

Go, go! What are you waiting for? No, yep, great.

No, don't worry, we're all mind readers.

So glad I finally get to experience peak hour traffic.

Everyone says it's awful,

but I feel like there's a real sense of community.

Get in your fucking lane, bitch.

So sweet of you ladies to give me a lift. My alternator died.

Oh, you would've done the same for us.

I don't think so. It's a bit out of the way for me.

Crazy day at dispatch, am I right?

Oh, my God, it was nuts. Mm.

Just seemed pretty regular to me. You don't know what happened?

Oh, she's a bit lower level, so she probably didn't hear.

None of the non-supervisors did.

And what happened?

Oh, well, someone stole the $24,000 virgin hair.

Really? Mm.

Do they have any leads? No.

I reckon I know who did it. Who?

Bald men.

Yes. Bald men. Bald men? Mm.

Brendan in shipping is bald. Like, really bald.

Like, he's probably the baldest person I've ever...

Maybe he did it. I don't think so. Brendan likes being bald.

He rubs oil onto his head and does that

"look into the crystal ball" thing at Friday night drinks.

Does it work? No, he's just lucky.

I mean, it's obvious I'm a Gemini. Oh.

What are you, S?

Oh, a Virgo. My cat's a Virgo.

She's really vengeful.

Like, when I get home late, I find a poo on the bed.

Oh, same with Simoni. What?!

What are you, Talia?

Oh, thank you so much for asking.

Um, I'm actually an Ophiuchus.

That's not a sign.

Simoni, where have you been? NASA announced a 13th sign.

I'm so happy I've met an Ophiuchus for the first time.

Oh, shut up. What's it like?

Um, well, it is everything you heard.

And more, actually.

We're a really kind of sensual, psychic, powerful sign, I think.

That is why you're a supervisor.

HORNS BLARE

Yeah, I've got one as well! BEEPS HORN

Hey, neighbour. He's hot.

RADIO: 'All westbound lanes have reopened on the M4

'approaching Church Street

'after flooding from a burst water main.

'Fortunately, there's no collateral damage...'

You don't need to pick me up tomorrow morning.

OK. No worries.

Yeah, I'm gonna be doing some weird hours

the next couple of weeks.

A bunch of Skype meetings with different time zones.

I'm flexible. I can still pick you up.

It's cool, it's cool. Rochelle said she could do it.

Is this just for the next couple of days, or...?

Might be for a while.

I fucked up, didn't I?

I knew I shouldn't have mentioned the kiss. I'm such an idiot.

Let's just forget the whole thing ever happened, OK? We still mates?

Yeah, of course.

It's just that I really like hanging out with you.

I don't love the job.

I don't particularly click with my workmates.

My favourite part of the day is just talking shit with you,

and I'm gonna miss it.

Me, too.

OK, when we get to mine, you should come in,

and we'll get some takeaway from this amazing Indian joint

that actual Indians go to, and we can keep talking shit.

I don't know. I've got an early start tomorrow. I was gonna...

I'm not gonna ask you twice.

Yes, please, I'd like to come up.

Cool.

And you can see I hung up that portrait you creepily painted of me.

It wasn't creepy. I was doing you a favour.

How else would you know you've got a wonky eye?

Why are you dressing so doo-er?

Dour? D-O-U-R.

Do you mean dour? No, it doesn't rhyme with "sour".

It's dour. It's doo-er.

"Oh, this is a really grim and dour feeling."

You don't say, "Oh, this is a really grim and doo-er feeling."

Yeah, it's doo-er.

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