Original subtitles

My mate Carly, she needs a date to this swish event.

She plays wheelchair rugby. So can I tell her yes?

Yeah, he got a $300 fine, no conviction.

But my lawyer reckons I can sue him for 150 grand.

So am I gonna lose? MAN ON SPEAKERPHONE: Honestly? Probably.

Kosciusko might be being taken over by Facebook.

Why would Facebook want Kosciusko? Was it Facebook, or was it Amazon?

So, how did Jess like your open marriage idea?

Absolutely loved it.

But weren't you using it as a way to get her to break up with ya?

Yeah, well, completely backfired. She said she liked the idea

because of the stability that I bring to the table,

and the cunnilingus that others bring to the table.

So all weekend, it was just... one dickhead after the other.

Really? How many, er, how many dickheads were there?

Oh, I don't know. Two. Oh, they weren't bad blokes, though.

One of them made pancakes on Saturday morning,

and the other left a slab.

Fuckin' losers. And you weren't worried that

they were having sex with your wife? Nah, I just put the headphones on

and watched the Panthers smash the Roosters in the '83 grand final.

So you were totally fine with these random dudes having sex with Jess?

Oh, well, not totally.

It did force me to institute some strict ground rules.

We can't sleep with mutual friends,

we can't sleep with people from work,

and we can't sleep with Roosters supporters.

What about you? Did you, er, did you get up to any mischief?

Nah, I strained my neck again

from having standing-up sex with Dave's missus,

so I'm just waiting for that to heal before I go on a rampage.

And, you know, it's the gentlemanly thing to do,

let her get a head start.

So it's a no, then?

It's a no. GLASS CLATTERS

Argh, fuck! What was that? What was that?

Fuckin' Jesus, fuckin'...

When'd you put the window up?

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else

# Then it's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road. #

RADIO: 'We've got a small delay this morning on the M4,

'with a lane being closed after a car accident at James Ruse Drive.

'It's 8:00AM. Business as usual everywhere else.'

ON PHONE: 'Lukas? It's Davis.

'Employee Welfare?'

HE SIGHS OK.

'I'm charged with counselling you through your redundancy.'

Look, I don't need counselling, OK?

'Having received an offer of redundancy,

'you are now required to take part in an hour of counselling every day

'for as long as you remain in the employ of Kosciusko.'

OK, and the only way to, I guess, stop the counselling is to take,

I don't know, what, the redundancy?

'Well, yes.' CHUCKLES TO SELF

So basically what you're doing here,

you're trying to phone-pest me out of my job.

'Look, I'm sorry. It wouldn't be my preferred method.'

No, look, it's a good method.

Let's talk. Let's do this. Let's counsel. 'OK, great.

'Ah, well, why don't you start by telling me what makes you happy?'

Happy? 'Ah, or insecure, or sad, or any emotion, really.'

Any emotion? OK, ah, let's pick an emotion.

Er, let's see if you can guess what emotion that is.

I mean, I've only got one left, basically,

cos the other ones have all withered and died.

You know that feeling you get

when you're about to get onto an escalator

and there's just two people standing in front of you, and it's like,

"You could stand to the left," but they're like,

"Oh, no, I'm on an escalator. I don't have to do any work at all."

It's kind of that feeling. 'Ah, yes, I...'

You know that feeling when you rock up at a barbecue

for your brother's engagement and all his douche-head friends

from high school are there,

and they're all standing there in cargo shorts,

wearing pastel shirts with the collar popped up?

You know that look? And you're like,

"Hey, we're in for a fun day talking about the property market!"

Or that feeling... 'Lukas.' ..when you're down the pool,

a little bit self-conscious about your body...

'Yes.' ..and you run into your ex-boyfriend? And you're like,

"Neil, you're looking really good!" And he goes,

"You're looking great as well." And you're like, "Ha!"

And then you see his boyfriend's really hot... 'Oh, yes.'

And you're like, "Hey, good to see you again!"

And they're like, "Yeah, good to see you, too.

"Let's Facebook sometime. We don't have to catch up right now.

"Just Facebook me! Facebook me! Facebook me!" 'Calm down. Calm...'

"See ya later, Neil! And your Paul Bettany lookalike boyfriend."

It's kinda like that feeling!

'Ah, I think we might've got off on the wrong foot.

'OK, I'll call you after work.' Yeah!

'We've got some better news for the M4.

'Crews have cleared up that accident near Malgoa Road,

'and traffic's starting to run again smoothly now.'

Do you think you might wanna get some Botox on your 11?

Might just even out your face. TUTS

I've got an 11! Hey, it's totally fixable.

I'm not getting Botox. Why not? It's like the new lipstick.

I'm 25. Yeah, even more reason.

It's preventative. It's like freezing your eggs, you know.

Securing your future. Guys can do whatever they like.

They can climb the corporate ladder, have kids whenever they like.

But high-powered business-women like us, well, more so me,

have to kind of drop everything to do that kind of stuff.

But, ooh, I could see if they do a two for one on that.

Maybe you could put your eggs in a little corner of my freezer.

My eggs are fine where they are, thank you.

SHE SIGHS I get it.

You're not a supervisor. You don't have to worry about that stuff.

You could just drop everything and have kids whenever you like.

Yeah, OK. You've been working for like a week.

Yeah, but I've been preparing for this my entire life.

OK, I want some feedback on my management style,

particularly the compliments game we played yesterday.

Well, it, ah, cut significantly into time

when we should have been doing actual work.

But at least I now know that

Farida only thinks I'm a bitch when I'm stressed.

Oh, and Harbhajan saying that I have totally kissable lips? That's crazy.

I never noticed him before that.

It's funny how a compliment can just change the way you see someone.

So now you like him? Sure.

I like anyone who likes me. I'm not rude.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean you have to date them.

I'm meeting his entire family this weekend.

Well, that's a bit quick, isn't it? Ah, families love me.

OK, so all this talk about freezing eggs and Botox

and now meeting Harbhajan's family, is that your life now?

That's your plan?

Now that you've got a real job, you're just gonna get married,

have kids, have a normal life, forget all about Cabernet Shavasana?

No! That's never gonna happen, OK?

I mean, what man in the world is ever gonna provide me

with the companionship, and the support,

and the unsolicited advice that you're so wonderful at?

Well, that's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me.

See? The compliments game is so good. Now do me. Do me!

SHE CHUCKLES

You're going to work drinks this afternoon, right?

After my night out with Carly, I'm not sure I ever wanna drink again.

So, how did it go? Ahh, it was fine, I guess.

Ahh, details.

Haven't you guys debriefed about it? I thought you were best friends.

Oh, no, she's just a friend of a friend, of a friend.

Wait... the only reason I went out with her

is cos I thought I was doing you a favour.

Doing me a favour? I was doing you a favour.

Actually, I was doing both of you a favour.

Why, what happened?

Have you ever been out with Paralympians? They can drink.

Yeah, she's an athlete. All athletes can drink.

They were doing Jaegarbombs between every course.

I couldn't keep up.

Two of these sprinters accidentally swapped guide dogs

when they left at the end,

and there was this shot putter who was totally blind.

I mean he was deaf, but he was really drunk.

And he coward-punched this double-amputee long jumper

cos he thought he was Oscar Pistorius.

It was utter chaos.

But what about Carly? Did you guys get on?

Carly asked if I was circumcised. Over dinner.

I told her I wasn't,

and that was literally the last thing she said to me.

She spent the rest of the night with bloody Grant Hackett.

He's not a Paralympian. No, he was hosting it.

And look, the guy's had a tough couple of years,

so I didn't begrudge him the extra attention.

Besides, I clearly have something that he doesn't have. What?

A foreskin. THEY CHUCKLE

Well, if you hate foreskin that much, you don't wanna waste

your valuable time fake laughing at the jokes of a guy who has one.

OK, we'll get to the fake laughing bit in a minute.

Don't you think it's a bit prejudiced to make a decision

on a person based on the absence or presence of a foreskin?

What, you've never made superficial decisions

about a woman's baps, or arse, or... Her baps?

I certainly haven't made a decision based on whether or not

her baps or arse have had surgery.

Well, I think a penis is a bit more personal

because it goes, you know, inside you.

You know, I think women are entitled to have an opinion on that.

I just think it's unfair.

What's your position

on the whole circumcised versus uncircumcised thing?

As long as you don't give your penis a name, we're absolutely fine.

Oh, don't... Mr Happy. Oh, no, that is terrible!

Mr Happy. It's... Ohh!

It's not as bad Jeremy or Gandalf...

CHUCKLES

..all of which I considered.

Still. Mr Happy?

He's-He's easily pleased. Ohh! He's a happy guy.

'OK, we've got a car broken down on Parramatta Road near Wentworth Road,

'and all eastbound traffic is queued up to 1km.'

What are you writing?

"Dear Samar, we never saw eye-to-eye.

"Goodbye... and get fucked."

Did you seriously write that? What's your problem?

No problem, just no connection.

That's what you'd write to someone who swore at your mother.

What are you gonna write?

Just gonna wish him all the best, like a normal person.

Well, that's the fuckin' Maroon 5 of farewell greetings.

That's a rare compliment. Thank you.

Samar told Dave that he saw me having standing-up sex

with Dave's missus behind some packaging in the warehouse area,

and now Dave reckons he's not gonna speak to me again, so...

So you think Samar's a dick for dobbing you in, don't ya? Fuck yeah.

Well, there's at least 20 people who haven't signed that card yet,

and you know who they're gonna think the dickhead

is when they see your comment? Come on, mate. Come on.

GRUMBLES

So what'd you say this time?

"Dear Samar, we never saw eye-to-eye.

"Not gonna pretend that we did. Goodbye, and get fucked. LOL."

Better? Yeah, it's-it's better. Right.

Can you still tell that I'm angry? Well, you still say "get fucked",

so, yeah, I think it's pretty clear. Awesome.

# I'm in love

# With you... #

MIA YAWNS

Tired, darling?

Yeah. Hey, Gary, do you know what's really cool

about staying over in your girlfriend's brick veneer house?

I can think of plenty of things.

That's it, your girlfriend's daughter

can hear everything you're doing, everything,

do you know what I'm saying, Gary? That doesn't sound fun at all.

No, and apart from lack of sleep, and I do have an exam today, Mum.

I was actually concerned about you, Gary.

Sounds like you have a collapsed lung.

That's just my asthma and allergies. I think you may have rising damp.

Oh. Were you having sex

or were you conducting an exorcism?

Mia! Sorry, I just thought zombies were invading the apartment,

and I couldn't tell if you were having sex

or Gary was trying to get the lid off a jar of peanut butter.

She's very dramatic. Mm.

Don't worry, I'll just block it out. Just like the rest of my childhood.

There's a good girl.

So, Gary, Mum says you're a spy.

He went undercover last night.

Deep into enemy territory.

You took me to double-O heaven.

We were double agents. Huh?

Cos we had sex twice. OK, if you two say

one more thing about last night, I'll vomit in this car.

Mia, stop being so hostile!

It's OK, Bridge, I get it.

This must be hard on you.

But you're young, and you're slightly confused

about this mysterious man in your mother's world,

a former spy, no less.

No, Gary, it's cos you're in my seat.

'We're hearing a crash has closed a westbound lane

'on the M5 approaching the Wurra Road.

'It's just gone 9:00am.

'Enjoy your work day, and drive safely.'

'It's 5:00pm, a friendly reminder that landscape work

'will be happening on the M5 southwest tonight.

'So watch out for workers on your way home.'

I've been meaning to tell you, I fucking love your apps.

Yeah? Here's one for you.

It's a ball thermometer called... Ballometer.

OK. You place your ball bag on your phone before you have a root.

And based on the temperature of your sack,

you can tell whether you're gonna have a boy or a girl.

Yeah, that's... You like that one?

Yeah, that's a good one, Macca.

I'll give you the number to the developers,

and you can go straight to them. No, no, no, no.

That's for driving me to work. You sure?

Totally. Take it.

Thanks, buddy. That's a ripper.

Hey, Kosciuszko's without a CEO, did you hear that?

Oh, I know, fucking $10 million pay-out.

Why did I get into forkliftery instead of getting into a suit?

Forkliftery is a noble profession.

To make matters worse, Jess called,

and she said she's violated our open-marriage agreement

by sleeping with one of my mates, who's also called Macca.

If I find out which one, he's dead.

To make matters worse, I haven't even troubled the scorers.

There was Tara you had sex with standing up.

Yeah, but that's pre-season.

Dave thinks it counts, it's his wife.

Yeah, well... Dave's a sook. He's having a cry about it to everyone.

He doesn't get the brawl herding.

It's tough out there.

You gonna have a bit of shut-eye, mate?

Yes. I thought I'd get a bit of shut-eye, Ned,

unless you've got any ideas about how to fix my train crash of a life.

End things with Jess. It's what you wanted,

and you said that she's been holding you back.

It's not just my marriage. It's everything.

I shouldn't be a forklift driver.

I should have stayed in the SAS.

You were in the SAS?

Yes, Ned, they kicked me out cos I was lactosed intolerant.

"Lactose" intolerant?

No, lactosed. In Australia, it's "lactosed".

Man, I think, lactose is lactose anywhere in the world.

Like, it's a natural sugar found in dairy products.

It's got nothing to do with toast. Mate, just look it up, OK?

I don't have to, I know...

We're just gonna have to agree to disagree.

The point is that I appealed the decision.

They rejected the appeal. I stormed off in a huff.

And now I'm driving fucking forklifts.

Anna makes sure that whenever either of us gets depressed,

that we give back to the community. You know, we do an activity,

you're productive, and it's helping people.

A few weeks ago, we started working in a soup kitchen,

and it completely made us forget about our own stupid problems.

SNORING

You're a bit of a C-word sometimes.

"Kosciuszko CEO resigns!"

It says multi-million dollar pay-out.

Davis, did you know anything about this? 'Um...'

Come on. Davis!

Hello!

Davis, did you know.... DAVIS SIGHS

Hang on a minute. So, if I take the redundancy,

are they gonna like retract the offer and re-trench me anyway?

Davis, talk to me!

Look, I... I have signed various nondisclosure agreements.

But... DAVIS CLEARS THROAT

Sorry, I missed... you trailed off at the end there. What?

'Ahem.'

Are you... What was that noise? What are...

Could you just explain it to me?

'OK, I have signed various nondisclosure agreements, but...'

'AHEM!' Ahhh.

I get it, so "ahem" means yes?

'Yes.' Ah.

It's bad, though, this is bad news.

'We've got a southbound lane closed on the Princess Highway

'due to a late finishing roadwork, so expect delays there.'

PHONE CHIMES

It's Sonia. Chloe's still got that rash on her wee-wee.

Mum, can we move past "wee-wee"?

What's wrong with "wee-wee"?

BABYISH: You used to do widdles from your wee-wee.

You're infantilising female genitalia, Mum.

I can't infantilise if she's...

Not cognisant of sophisticated language?

I was gonna say cos she's still an infant.

It's a vagina. We've all got one.

Except Gary. Or maybe you do, do you, Gary? I don't.

Don't be ashamed. I'm not. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't have a vagina, Mia.

Uh-oh. Sounds like someone thinks having a vagina's a bad thing.

Mia, behave. I will when we start calling a spade a spade.

Chloe responds better to words like pee-pee and fufu

and lala, just like you did.

I don't wanna involve myself in this debate.

It's not that I have anything against vaginas, per se,

as we well know, Bridget.

But I do find the word a tad clinical.

Might I suggest we use a more grown-up euphemism like "muffin"

or my personal favourite "lady garden".

Oprah Winfrey calls it a "vajayjay". No, that's Mia's boyfriend.

Vagina doesn't sound like vajayjay.

Fuck, it does, too.

Great, now that we're being honest with each other, Gary,

what are your intentions with my mum?

And how do you propose to handle us when um...

our cycles are synced in, we're out of chocolate,

and we want you dead?

Mia, that's enough.

Most importantly, Gary, will you ever say the term "lady garden"

in our presence again?

Ah, no. I don't think so.

Or "muffin".

'A westbound lane on the M5 East Tunnel is closed

'due to a car breakdown just past the tunnel exit.'

You know, Barney ate Eric's socks last night?

'Sorry, who's Barney?' My dog!

'And Eric is your partner?'

Yeah, he hates it, though.

He hates the term "partner".

It's too tennis-y. I don't really like it either.

Weird thing about him and tennis, though,

he hates doubles tennis, but he loves the singles,

which is probably a very telling sign.

'Yeah, well, do you live together?'

No. It's a weird pattern.

Like, you know, he stays over for a night,

then I don't see him for days, not a text, nothing.

You know, we'd have a wonderful time, and then...

suddenly I go home, and there's like a gift on the porch.

You know, like a bottle of plonk or a succulent.

'How long has that been going on?'

It's about five years, it is. 'Oof. That's not a healthy pattern.'

Well, as they say, all good patterns must come to an end.

'Well, no, that's the point of patterns.

'They are never-ending.'

Really? What about tartan?

How can Kosciuszko even afford to give the CEO a pay-out that big?

Oh, I get it. Cos some of the stuff here

is way more expensive than I thought it was.

See, here it says one of the best-selling items is Virgin Hair.

It's $24,000. What even is Virgin Hair?

Hair that hasn't had cum in it?

No, cum's good for hair.

It's a protein, it's like eggs and beer.

How do you know that?

Well, my ex-boyfriend Ian was always like,

"Do you want me to come in your hair?"

I was, no, that's gross, it's gonna make it greasy.

He said that it's just like a natural conditioner.

Well, did it work?

It caused more knots, actually.

I miss Ian. He was a keeper.

Oh, I know, don't even talk about it. He's probably out there

de-virginising some other girl's hair. Yeah.

You know, you could do a lot with $24,000.

Virgin Hair is hair that's never been dyed.

Ah, nah. Don't want any part of it.

I don't trust anyone who hasn't dyed their hair.

It's like so arrogant. You think your hair's that good?

Yeah, exactly. Have you never been through a break-up?

Oh, my God, first thing I do after a break-up

is like dye my hair blonde. It opens up a whole new demo.

Pisses off the exes.

I once broke up with a guy because he beat me at Risk.

Fair. I once broke up with a guy because he always said "could of"

instead of "could have". Ew, disgusting.

I once broke up with a guy because he kissed my mum.

I was happy for her, but...

I'm glad you've come to terms with the fact that I'm your supervisor

because for a while there,

it just seemed like your whole personality has just disappeared

or stolen somehow because I got a job with a higher position than you.

But I feel like the real Simoni's back.

Yeah. So do I.

'After a heavy day of accidents and incidents,

'the M4 has cleared, and traffic has returned to normal.

'It's 7:15pm.'

Tab ran out pretty quickly this month.

I'm not sure that's a good sign.

Oh, no. I took the glass with me. We have to go back.

Did you only just realise that then?

You think I'm a drunkard.

I don't think you're a drunkard.

I do think you're a little bit drunk, though.

You sound like Dimmy.

Who's Dimmy? Ah, no-one...

..I was married to. Sorry?

Were you married or not married?

I was really young. He wouldn't let me have a fringe.

And you broke up over that?

Our iPads were connected and...

I saw the girl, the one that he was fucking.

I'm sorry.

I can say for sure that he did not deserve you.

He was a meanie.

Are you a meanie?

I think meaniness is probably in the eye of the beholder,

but I would argue vehemently that I am not a meanie.

Ah, it's raining.

You are so annoying. Aren't you? Ow!

Sorry, sorry. OK. We're here, we're here, we're here.

Thank you... so much for driving me home.

You're my...

COWBOY DRAWL: my knight in shining armour.

Are you going for "damsel in distress" there?

Because you sound like a cowboy.

Well, howdy, Sheriff. Well, howdy, little lady.

Oh, you looked after me,

ever since we rode our horses up this here mountain.

But now it's time...

for me to look after you.

Argh. We don't have cow wives. Shh.

It's just you and me here on Brokeback mountain.

You go really... red when you...

SHE GROANS

I only printed one copy of that flyer.

The one you found under your door.

I'm sorry, I...

I just didn't know how to...

I just think you're awesome.

SHE CHUCKLES

As if I didn't know it was a fake car pool.

Hey, did you unsubscribe me from my Goop newsletter?

Yes, I did. How am I gonna know what Gwyneth's up to?

Ah, you know what Gwyneth's up to.

She's cooking something she's never going to eat.

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