All language subtitles for Squinters S01E01 1080p WEB DL H264 BTN_track3_[eng]

How's work? Are you CEO yet?

I'm expecting some good news
this morning.

I don't trust good news.

Every silver cloud
has a black lining.

Come on, Mum.
You could be looking at the new, er,

the new bloody Pacific sales manager
at Kosciuszko.

They're looking for someone
experienced, energetic,

yet confident.
Doesn't sound like you at all.

That's exactly what I am.

Sounds more like your brother.

You're more of a timid,
self-deprecating tinkerer.

Tinkerer? What is a tink...?

It sounds like I'm a fiddler
or something. A tinkerer?

Anyway, thanks... thanks once again

for filling my cup
with such confidence (!)

If you prefer lies, just say so.

I would rather the lies, Mama.

Oh, is that...
SNIFFS

Oh!

It was Barney.
Oh, it was Barney, was it?

Mm.
OK.

Barney, that was very...
You're a very bad dog, Barney.

What a very bad human-smelling fart
you just did then.

No, don't scold him, love.

Yeah, I wasn't.
That was a pretend scolding,

cos I know that wasn't him.

I know what Barney's farts
smell like, Mum.

I don't know what you're implying.

Oh, I think we know
what's happening here.

I know what you did.

Well, I'm an old lady.

HE SIGHS

Sometimes, I'm not even sure
what's gonna come out of me.

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love
The one you love

# Is with someone else

# Then it's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road... #

RADIO: 'Two southbound lanes closed
on the Princes Highway at Kingsway

'due to a multi-car crash.

'It's just gone 8am.

'Motorists are advised
to exercise caution

'and try and remain patient.'

Hi.
Hi. Good morning.

How you doing?

Good.

So, who else are we picking up
for the car pool?

Nobody else in marketing
even mentioned it.

Really?
Yeah.

That is so typical.
Yeah.

You'd think at least one other
person would have signed up.

So... it's just you and me?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a problem.

Well...

There must be hundreds of people
that live near us.

Does no-one else care
about their carbon emissions?

Right? People!
Yeah!

Like I'm the only one
that got a flyer under my door.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, and what sort of loser
would I have to be

to contrive a car pool club
and design and print out one flyer

and put it under one person's door.

Yeah, just to end up
with someone alone in your car!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, right. That'd be...
LAUGHTER DIES

Smile!

What's that?
Hashtag car pool club.

Oh, cool.

That way, if I turn up murdered,

people will know it was the guy
in the creepy white van.

Why do people always say white vans
are creepy?

You wouldn't say that
about a black van, or a yellow van.

Don't make this a race thing.

Everyone knows that kidnappers
and psychos drive white vans.

Well, if everyone knows
that psychos drive white vans,

then a real psycho wouldn't buy
a white van, would he?

He'd, like, go for something
more inconspicuous,

like a hatchback or a Prius,

so then he could drive around
stalking whoever he wanted

without anyone making the assumption

he was gonna do
anything psychopathic.

How do you know so much
about how psychos think?

RADIO: 'Eastbound lanes
have reopened on the M4

'after an earlier car breakdown
approaching Stubbs Street.

'Traffic starting to flow again now,
so not as bad a day as we thought.

So, to get a job
in the warehouse now,

you gotta pass a psychometric test.

And they got the usual questions.

"Do you make your bed
in the morning?"

"If you stub your toe
on an inanimate object,

"do you yell at the object?"

OK.

And now they got one -
if you were a biscuit,

what kind of biscuit would you be?

Ha! That's weird and difficult.

Yeah, well,
I've put some thought into it,

and I reckon I'm like a Royal.

My tough chocolate exterior
takes a bit of biting into,

but once you do,
you find a pleasant-tasting

marshmallowy soft centre.

Yeah, but you're not like a Royal.

Are you a fucking authority on me,
now, are you?

No, no, I'm just yet to see

this pleasant-tasting
marshmallowy soft centre,

and I've known you
since primary school.

Yeah, but it's not like
we actually hung out.

No, but we're hanging out now.

All right, all right,
settle down, Neddy.

The DUI charge
left me with no choice.

Yeah, but you could have got a lift
with anyone at work.

Yeah, but you were the only one
that said

they'd pick me up from mine.

I guess I was just curious
to see if you'd changed.

Were you curious about me?
Nah.

Really?
I have vague recollections of you.

You know what?
Maybe you're like an Iced Vovo -

sweet but inconsequential.

That's actually offensive.

All right, Neddy No Friends,
maybe you're a Gaiety.

I'm not a Gaiety.

I've got no problem with Gaieties,
I'm just not one.

Look at this.

It's like an accordion.

Get Botox, then.
I can't get Botox.

MumsHub keeps telling me I need
to be a positive role model.

I literally just watched you
go through a red light.

Just promise me
you'll actually try at school

so you can get a good job
you can enjoy,

not get stuck working
in bubble wrap

wondering if you're ever gonna
get lai... lai... la... love.

And commitment.

It's like looking into a mirror
of my own past.

Before the regrets, and the heroin.

OK, you once had a puff
of a joint laced with heroin,

and we've been hearing about it
ever since.

I need you to get a qualification,
Moosh.

For me or for you?
For me.

And you'd have a safety net when
the singing thing doesn't work out.

Sorry - if.

I spoke to the careers counsellor.

Good! And what'd she say?

She thinks I can be
the next Courtney Barnett.

Never heard of him.
Great.

TEXT ALERT

That Vijay?

Wanna talk about it?
Not really.

Oh, come on, Moosh.
Aren't I the cool mum?

Your friends say that.

They're being sarcastic.

Alice's mum is the cool mum.
Really?

Didn't know it was so cool
to cheat on your husband.

What?

With the principal.

In the janitor's nook.

Besides,
I did have friends at school.

Oh, yeah, who?
Josh Lindsay.

Never heard of him.

You pinned him down, and you shaved
a dick into the back of his head.

Oh, yeah!
Yeah.

Josh "I'm not lonely" Lindsay.

Yeah, wasn't the nicest thing to do,
was it?

Ah, I was doing it for the guys,
mate.

I remember weighing up the hurt
Josh would feel

against the joy my mates'd get
out of it,

and in the end, joy won.
Yeah.

What can I say?
I'm a people's person.

CHUCKLES

Hey, what about that time you gave
that kid an atomic wedgie

for a full five minutes?

Did you weigh up the hurt
that kid would feel

against the joy your mates
would get out of it?

Nah, I just did it.

Fuck, poor little bugger.

But it was fucking funny, though.

NED LAUGHS
Was it?

LAUGHTER

Cos that was me.

Yeah, you strangulated
one of my testicles,

and I had to get it removed.

I've had kids since then,
so I guess it's a moot point.

But still...

RADIO: 'We do have an accident.
It's in Smithfield,

'on the Cumberland Highway
at Sturt Street.

'That one's affecting
northbound traffic.'

Let's practise for your
job interview. Have you prepped?

Erm, well, yes and no.

I am wearing a bra,
so that's a good thing.

Star.
And, erm...

Oh, and I'm practising
my listening face.

Last night, I was like, hey...
Yep.

Oh, God, I don't know
if that's listening.

That's flirting face,
but listening face is close to that.

Yeah?
Yeah.

OK, I'll help you.

Er, where do you see yourself
in five years?

Not telling.

OK, what's your greatest weakness?

I'd have to say my lower back.

Yeah, OK. What about strengths?

Very kind.

LAUGHS
OK.

Very generous lover.

You need to rethink
some of these answers.

I've gotta say I'm an introvert.

I've gotta say
you are definitely not.

No, I took a quiz last night,
you know, on BuzzFeed,

and it tells you if you're
an introvert or an extrovert,

and, erm, what kind
of Mexican dessert you are.

Well, that sounds
like a legitimate quiz

by a very academic institution,
but just in case that, you know,

Kosziuskzo's not paying people
to pretend to be introverts,

how about we just go with
being who you really are?

OK.

OK, cool.
Erm, why should we hire you?

Er, you shouldn't,
unless you're desperate.

This isn't a joke, Talia.

We need you to get this job
so we can save up

to open the yoga wine bar.

Namaste And Chill.
I thought of that last night.

Namaste... that's what we should
call it! Namaste And Chill.

Or Come For A Drink,
Namaste For Six.

No, it's called Cabernet Shavasana.

We'll see.
We won't.

We might.
OK.

What's the bitch's name?

Who?

That's Barn... No, Barney's
new girlfriend, that's Daisy.

All right? All right, Barney,
don't forget that.

When you get down to business,
you can't forget their name.

He's not gonna get down to business.

Barney's never been interested
in the "one two, how'd you do".

Oh, come on, it's all they think...
He's a dog!

Apart from, like, a can of Chum,

I mean, all they're thinking about
is bloody rooting.

Nah, not Barney.
His mind is on higher things.

And the only reason
you are breeding him

is because you and Eric
are dysfunctional.

No!

There's a name for that.
It's called pet proxy.

I read it in the Women's Weekly.

Oh, it is not pet proxy.
Yep.

It's not like I'm living my life
through Barney,

and we're having children
through Barney.

He's a very beautiful-looking dog
and someone wants to breed with him.

It's cos you're dysfunctional.
We're not dysfunctional!

SHE LAUGHS

You're about as functional
as a plastic steak knife.

How can you say you're functional?

You've been together five years,
and he still shakes your hand.

He still introduces himself to me,

and he hasn't...
He's polite.

He hasn't moved anything
into your house, not even a sock.

You've never liked him.

I just want you to meet someone
lovely before I die.

You set a date for that yet,
have you, Mum?

You will miss me when I'm gone.

You're gonna outlive us all.

Be lucky to live
till next Christmas,

the rate I'm drinking.

I wanna talk about my body
after I die.

Oh, God, you're always banging on
about death.

Well, listen, son,

if you can't face death,
how can you handle life?

That's what my darling Uncle Rebus
used to say.

Is that Uncle Rebus
who shot himself in the face?

Yeah.

Took a while to recognise him.
You know, identify the body. Yeah.

Anyway, what am I doing
with your body?

My preferred option is to be heated
and turned into a diamond.

That would set you back about 25.

25,000 to be heated
and turned into a diamond?

Yeah.

And that way, you can wear me.

Put me on a chain round your neck,
or in a ring. Be lovely.

And when you're not wearing me,
pop me in the safe.

Heat you up and turn you
into a diamond?

And then just wear you
out and about?

Where would you like me to take you?
To a nice show.

And would you like that?

Should I hold you up
to watch the show?

You could get a pierced tongue.
Put me in...

You know what that's for?
That's for pleasure.

Well, you're gay!
Hang on a minute. Hang on...

Mum, you've really gotta think
about this.

That means I've put you
in a diamond, in my tongue,

as I'm maybe pleasuring another...

What are you doing?

It's a beautiful idea, son.

It's not...
What, so you'll always be with me?

Yes.
Do you swallow, Mum?

That's it... pardon?

Sorry, I'm sorry,
I've gone too far, Mum.

I just... You were in my mouth,
you're in a diamond.

I went a little bit too far there.
I'm sorry.

RADIO: 'OK, we've got an update
on the Eastern Creek situation.

'All lanes are now open
on the northbound ramp.

'It's 9am. Enjoy the work day
and drive carefully.

'It's just gone 5pm.

'The M5 East tunnel has reopened
following an overheight truck

'approaching the entrance.
Try and have a safe drive home.'

PHONE RINGS
Hello Kerry, is that you?

'Er, no, sorry, my name's Davis.

'I'm the employee welfare counsellor
from Kosciuszko.'

Yeah, Davis, I'm not in the mood.

'I was informed your reaction
to the offer of redundancy today

'was not positive?'

Oh, well, you've been informed
correctly, haven't you!

'Well, I'm... I'm here to give you
tools to transition

'into this new chapter,
and show you there are

'exciting potential opportunities
ahead of you.'

Exciting pot...
So exciting, isn't it?

Exciting potential opportunity...

Did you not hear
they think I'm redundant?

Redundant!
That mean Lukas no good no more!

'If you could see past
the immediate shock...'

Yeah, look,
the only thing I see at the moment

is diversity cocks and PC warriors.

I mean, there's no chance
they're gonna promote

a middle-aged white man, anyway.

DAVIS LAUGHS
'Promote?'

OK, just because I look like
I'm part of the boys' club?

I mean, oh, wow, I don't fit
the homosexual stereotype

because I'm a little bit rough
around the edges?

I mean, unless of course that,
you know, homosexuality is what?

What, it's entered
the mainstream now, has it?

'Erm, no,
I think we're still a minority.'

And nothing to show, nothing to show
for 16 years at this business.

You know why? This is why.

Because I'm, like,
not a one-legged Muslim lesbian.

Oh, no! I need a fucking drink.

'Well, that's a good idea.
Why don't you call a friend and...'

Actually, I think I've got something
down here. Hang on.

'Wait, you can't drink in the car.'
Here we are.

'If you drink while driving,
I'm gonna have to hang up.'

Well, I'll save you the trouble,
yeah?

BEEP

And three people in my department
are so worried

about whether Amazon's taking over,

they've all taken stress leave.

Stress leave!

Clearly, they don't have
enough work to do.

Why don't you take
some stress leave?

Because I'm not stressed!

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Sounds like you could do
with a drink.

Yeah.

Or better yet, a shag.
Well, that's a...

I'm supposed to be seeing
this guy tonight.

Like a friend?

Swipe right kinda friend.

We've hooked up a couple of times...
Oh, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Cool.

So, what's his deal?
What's... What's he like?

He's all right. You know, full on.

Hate that. What do you mean?

Oh, he's tall, dark, handsome, rich.
I think he's a CEO...

Sounds absolutely unbearable.

And he works out.
So he's vain.

Well, at least
he doesn't dye his hair

to make himself look younger.

I don't dye my hair.

Plugs?

What? No, this is...
this is my natural...

Pull it. You can pull it.

SHE LAUGHS

Taking the piss.

I think you've got great hair.
I love your hair.

Thanks.

I can't take all the credit.
It's mostly genes.

But I do have this sea salt spray
that I...

I think he's getting serious.

Oh, right.

I mean, who actually wants
to be in a relationship?

Who wants to be a couple
and surrender their identity?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, sorry.

Are you married?
Me? No, no, no, no. I am...

I am not married.
I'm totally single.

Totally available.

But I'm the same.
I'm like, relationships?

I'm too busy, anyway.

I'm trying to focus on my work
at the moment.

Deliveries?

No, my real work. Painting.

Painting houses?
Painting paintings.

Oh, cool!

You're an artist.
I was gonna be a concert pianist,

but they wanted me to cut my nails,

and that was a sacrifice
I wasn't willing to make.

Don't they get in the way
when you're...

Masturbating?
..typing?

RADIO: 'The M4's struck again.

'Traffic's backed up
right onto Parramatta Road.'

When they asked me
if I had any special skills,

I said I could pogo stick
indefinitely.

I told you to practise
for the interview.

That is a stupid thing to say,
and a lie!

Uh, it's not a lie, actually.

I can pogo stick indefinitely.

I have, like, a really strong core.

If I didn't need food or water
or, like, to go to the bathroom,

I could probably just keep going.
OK, well, what'd they say?

They said, "Talia, we don't know
how to tell you this,

"but you got the job."

You got it?

I got the job! Yes!
SHE YELLS, BEEPS HORN

Third eye, namaste!
Namaste!

Yes! This means we can save up for
Cabernet Shavasana twice as fast.

Well, not twice, because your salary
would be lower than mine, obviously,

but, like, heaps faster!

Yeah, the pay is, like,
bigger than I expected.

Oh, it's so important
that you remember to listen to me

at all times when I'm at work.

Cos I know we're friends,

but I've been there longer than you,
and I'm heaps more senior.

Doesn't really matter who may
or may not have the higher position

than the other person.
It's just a job title.

Job title there means everything.
And while we're at work,

you have to adhere to the system.
We all do.

I'm... I'm glad you feel that way,

because, erm, I wish I wasn't
the one who had to tell you this,

but I have actually been hired
as your area's supervisor.

What?
Argh! Well, third eye!

Namaste.

You're my supervisor?
Yes.

I've been there for seven years.

And as your supervisor,
I am grateful for your commitment.

You're not even qualified!

You don't even practise
for interviews.

Why would they give it to you?

Actually, I had some really good
ideas in the interview.

Changes to kind of make
within the company.

Like, I actually had the idea
that maybe we should pay people

per box they pack
instead of per hour,

sort of, like,
just to hurry up the lazy ones.

What?
That's what I always say to you!

Oh, I thought it sounded familiar.

Oh, you stole my idea!

OK, I was not the one
who wanted to get a job.

You wanted me to get a job.
Because I wanted to help you,

not have you cut my grass!

OK, Simoni, this is about
Cabernet Shavasana, all right?

We're just gonna forget
about our dreams

and become Kosziuskzo wage slaves.

You're right, you're right.

Thank you for making me remember
what's important.

You're welcome.

But as your supervisor,

I'm gonna have to ask you
to get that temper under control.

First warning.

TEXT ALERT

Who's Gary?

No-one.

"Very much enjoyed
our chance encounter the other day.

"You haven't changed a bit
since university.

"Dinner, question mark?"

Who's this, Shakespeare?

And what's with all the fully
spelled words and punctuation?

Is this his first ever text?

I think correct spelling and grammar
is a turn-on.

Please don't say "turn-on".

So, was Gary a massive nerd
at university?

All I can remember about uni
is that I didn't finish it.

Cos of the heroin?

FYI, Mia, guys who are cool
in their 20s

don't have jobs in their 40s,
whereas nerds have jobs.

Look at this guy.

He'll be cool across all eras.

He just sent you that?
Mm-hm.

We don't like to be this far apart.

Well, if he learned to drive,
he could be closer.

Yeah, he doesn't believe in it.

Yeah, I'm waiting until I can afford
an electric car.

Until then, I'll only rideshare.

No worries, Vijay.
Go back to listening to your music.

Oi, next left! It's heaps quicker.

Yeah, I do this trip twice a day,
Vijay.

Left here! Through the parking lot,
and... OK, er...

You missed that one. It's fine.

There's a laneway up here
on your left. Left! Go left!

Shit, Miss D.
You totally fucked that.

TEXT ALERT

"How about dinner and a movie?
Gary loves spy thrillers."

Oh, great, he talks about himself
in the third person.

That's a massive red flag.

That's OK. Bridget doesn't mind.

RADIO: 'All southbound lanes
on the M7 near Eastern Creek

'are now open after that persistent
grass fire...'

Macca, could you, um...
could you put your pants back on?

No can do.

Jess and I are trying to have kids,
and I gotta keep my balls cool.

Promote sperm production.

Cold nads make lads.

OK, that's actually disgusting,

and not even scientifically...
Ah, shush, mate.

Did anyone in IT get offered
a redundancy?

No, I think it's just sales
and marketing at the moment,

then they'll look at IT
and warehouse down the track.

Ah, it's a fucking stitch-up.

You'll be fine. They'll always need
forklift drivers.

Yeah, no,
I don't want to get the arse,

cos I'll have nowhere to wank.

What?

Well, the missus works home,
so I can't wank at home.

Hang on. You wank at work?

Yep, and today was a two-wank day.

Normally just have the one,
but, you know,

I'm pretty fucking stressed,
so I had to rub out two.

One at morning tea
and one after lunch.

What? Am I led to believe you do not
partake in this behaviour, Neddy?

No, I... I do not partake
in that behaviour.

Are you serious?
Are you?

Mate, you don't know
what you're missing out on.

It's the best way to let go
of all the shit you build up

after going home each fucking night.

Really? Cos I find going home
each night

actually relieves stress, you know?

Anyhow, I get to watch TV with Anna
and the kids, design my apps.

Yeah, well,
it's also good for productivity.

Like if I clear
a whole row of packaging

within a certain timeframe,
I have a little wank to celebrate.

Yeah, but isn't that
a false economy?

Because the time you save
by working quickly

would presumably be eaten up
by wanking.

Yeah, you're right.
My life's fucked.

NED LAUGHS
What? No-one's saying that.

No, at school,
everyone looked up to me,

and now I'm just some goon rubbing
one out during coffee breaks.

No way. Hey, no.
Hey, listen, you got a...

You got a beautiful wife.
You've got a nice house.

No.

A job... where you can wank.

No, no, no,
I gotta reboot this shit.

Stop the car.
No hang on, hang on, hang on.

I'll just... I'll drive you home.
Just fucking stop the car.

Hang on.
I'm finding it hard to breathe.

Just stop the car.
I need to have a fucking drink.

All right, just keep breathing...
No, just stop the car, mate!

Stop the fucking car!

I'm stopping.
Stop the car!

Macca, don't... just...
Fucking fuck off!

HORNS BEEPING

Macca, you forgot your pants!

PHONE RINGS

Kerry, is that you?
'Yes.'

All right, how'd Barney go?
Did he chuck one up her?

'Mate, Daisy's giving off
so much heat,

'I could toast marshmallows
off her arse,

'yet Barney won't go near her.

Toasting marshmallows off her...

Why don't you just
manually stimulate him?

'I've got better things to do than
stroke your mongrel's lipstick.

'Maybe he's a knob-gobbler
like his old man.'

Oh, excuse me, thank you very much.

Well, maybe she's a bogan,
like her old lady.

Bit of trailer park trash
going on there, yeah?

'Mate, you can take
your poofy pooch, and you...'

DOG WHINES
What's happening?

Kerry, if you touch one hair
on that dog...

'He's all right. He's up and...'

TYRES SCREECH

Fucking... hell!
I just hit a man with no pants.

Are you gonna drop me off first?

You, then Barney, then me.

OK. Doesn't seem fair,
really, does it?

I'm going to the doctor,
Barney's going to a sex party.

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