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1
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:12,137
- ? You know it's gotta be
G'd up ?
2
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:14,723
? The kind of show that make
you cowards get beat up ?
3
00:00:14,724 --> 00:00:17,413
? We on the outs until
we caught it and go do bids ?
4
00:00:17,414 --> 00:00:19,412
? Man, you know the streets
ain't for kids ?
5
00:00:19,413 --> 00:00:21,403
? Come on, can't take
the hood out of me ?
6
00:00:23,931 --> 00:00:25,896
- ? Happy birthday to you ?
7
00:00:25,965 --> 00:00:28,862
? Happy birthday,
dear 39-year-old beautiful ?
8
00:00:28,931 --> 00:00:32,965
? Smart community leader me ?
9
00:00:33,034 --> 00:00:35,068
? Happy birthday to me ?
10
00:00:35,137 --> 00:00:38,206
One year until I turn
the big four-zero.
11
00:00:38,275 --> 00:00:41,379
Now, what do I want to do
before the wheels fall off
12
00:00:41,448 --> 00:00:45,068
and it's time for me to get
a favorite chair to die in?
13
00:00:45,137 --> 00:00:49,448
Fall in love with a man
who wears drawers.
14
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:53,793
Stop waiting to exhale and
just do it, for God's sake.
15
00:00:53,862 --> 00:00:55,379
[phone ringing]
16
00:00:55,448 --> 00:00:59,758
[sighs] Finally buy
a working answering machine.
17
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,103
Hello?
18
00:01:01,172 --> 00:01:03,137
Oh, hey, Mom.
How are you?
19
00:01:03,206 --> 00:01:04,586
- When you were born,
20
00:01:04,655 --> 00:01:07,620
I wrote your birthday down
in the family Bible.
21
00:01:07,689 --> 00:01:09,758
- OK.
No greeting, as usual.
22
00:01:09,827 --> 00:01:12,689
- But then in '58,
we had that cold spell
23
00:01:12,758 --> 00:01:15,241
where the pipes burst,
and the Bible,
24
00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:17,551
ooh, it got
a little bit damaged.
25
00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:19,310
- Not exactly breaking news,
Mom.
26
00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:23,137
- Well, I just finally dried
and unwrinkled the pages.
27
00:01:23,206 --> 00:01:25,275
[laughing] Ooh!
28
00:01:25,344 --> 00:01:28,000
You are gonna get a kick
out of this.
29
00:01:28,068 --> 00:01:29,793
- For some reason,
I doubt that.
30
00:01:29,862 --> 00:01:34,000
- You were born in '53,
not '54! [laughs]
31
00:01:34,001 --> 00:01:35,033
[record needle scratches]
32
00:01:35,034 --> 00:01:36,551
- Say what now?
33
00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:39,931
- You were born a year earlier,
so you're not 39 today.
34
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,655
You're 40! [laughs]
- Huh?
35
00:01:42,724 --> 00:01:44,965
- [laughs]
Aren't you tickled by that?
36
00:01:45,034 --> 00:01:46,655
It tickled me.
37
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,137
[Nancy groans and thuds]
38
00:01:48,138 --> 00:01:49,205
Nay-Nay, you there?
39
00:01:49,206 --> 00:01:50,551
[Nancy sobbing]
40
00:01:50,552 --> 00:01:52,447
This is a long-distance call,
you know.
41
00:01:52,448 --> 00:01:53,689
Anyway-
42
00:01:53,758 --> 00:01:56,000
- Oh, my God!
- [indistinct chatter]
43
00:01:56,001 --> 00:01:57,999
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday, sis!
44
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,689
[Nancy groans and screams]
45
00:01:59,758 --> 00:02:01,344
- Ma!
46
00:02:01,345 --> 00:02:04,067
You're supposed to blow out the
candles, not knock them out.
47
00:02:04,068 --> 00:02:06,793
- I just found out
that I'm not 39!
48
00:02:06,862 --> 00:02:08,517
I'm 40!
49
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,758
- Oh, crap!
50
00:02:09,827 --> 00:02:11,275
Yard down!
51
00:02:11,344 --> 00:02:13,241
Everybody
get the hell outta here!
52
00:02:13,310 --> 00:02:15,620
- Uh-oh.
Better warn Dad.
53
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:18,965
Hey, Dad, I got some important
news to tell you about Mom.
54
00:02:19,034 --> 00:02:20,551
- Not now, son.
55
00:02:20,620 --> 00:02:23,896
I'm working on a masterpiece
for your mama's 39th birthday.
56
00:02:23,965 --> 00:02:27,931
- I'm not 39!
I'm 40!
57
00:02:27,932 --> 00:02:28,999
[plate shatters]
58
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,379
- That's major.
59
00:02:30,448 --> 00:02:33,310
Well, I better figure out
another gift for your mama.
60
00:02:33,311 --> 00:02:35,033
Everybody know
you don't get a woman
61
00:02:35,034 --> 00:02:37,275
a junk sculpture for her 40th.
62
00:02:37,344 --> 00:02:39,517
That's some 39-year-old shit.
63
00:02:39,518 --> 00:02:42,274
Now, do you know anybody
that does cheap bikini waxing?
64
00:02:42,275 --> 00:02:43,240
[somber piano music]
65
00:02:43,241 --> 00:02:44,965
- [sobbing]
66
00:02:45,034 --> 00:02:46,655
- Calm down a little, sis.
67
00:02:46,724 --> 00:02:50,758
Try to lower your mood
from riot to unrest.
68
00:02:50,827 --> 00:02:52,103
- Calm down?
69
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,517
Richard, do you have any idea
70
00:02:54,586 --> 00:02:58,344
how it feels to lose a whole
entire year of your life?
71
00:02:58,413 --> 00:03:02,000
- No. Uh, wouldn't know
nothing about that.
72
00:03:02,689 --> 00:03:05,931
- Super-fine diva divine
to the rescue!
73
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,965
- Loretta, you came!
74
00:03:08,034 --> 00:03:10,379
- Two time "Jet" magazine
beauty of the week
75
00:03:10,448 --> 00:03:12,137
in the flesh.
76
00:03:12,206 --> 00:03:13,689
Oh, I dropped everything
77
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:16,758
the second I heard
your pathetic, sobbing message.
78
00:03:16,827 --> 00:03:20,172
- [groans] Oh, Lord!
79
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,689
- Loretta's here now.
80
00:03:21,758 --> 00:03:25,379
- Look at you, still thicker
than cold peanut butter.
81
00:03:25,448 --> 00:03:26,793
- And look at you.
82
00:03:26,794 --> 00:03:28,930
Your legs still thinner
than a diet TV dinner.
83
00:03:28,931 --> 00:03:30,931
[laughter]
84
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,310
- Hello?
85
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:35,000
Sad, old-ass friend over here.
86
00:03:35,068 --> 00:03:36,344
- Oh, my God.
87
00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:38,413
This is worse than I thought.
88
00:03:38,482 --> 00:03:39,758
You fellas clear out.
89
00:03:39,827 --> 00:03:42,344
Dr. Loretta needs room
to operate.
90
00:03:42,345 --> 00:03:44,033
[Nancy sobbing]
[sighs] Drink this.
91
00:03:44,034 --> 00:03:47,448
I'm like a St. Bernard
with less nipples.
92
00:03:47,517 --> 00:03:49,793
- My life is over!
93
00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:53,034
Please, Lord,
don't take me home yet!
94
00:03:53,103 --> 00:03:55,517
Let me at least collect
my Social Security!
95
00:03:55,586 --> 00:03:57,516
- Girl, come here.
Don't talk like that.
96
00:03:57,551 --> 00:03:59,241
You ain't dead yet.
97
00:03:59,310 --> 00:04:01,275
You still hotter
than fish grease.
98
00:04:01,276 --> 00:04:03,067
And I'm here to take
you out on the town
99
00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:06,689
and help you bury your 30s
with a bang, literally.
100
00:04:06,758 --> 00:04:08,413
- You'd really do that for me?
101
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:09,793
- Hell yeah.
102
00:04:09,862 --> 00:04:12,206
Remember what we did
on your 20th birthday?
103
00:04:12,275 --> 00:04:13,827
- Oh, I remember.
104
00:04:13,896 --> 00:04:15,517
I got food, alcohol,
105
00:04:15,586 --> 00:04:17,276
and condom poisoning
that night.
106
00:04:17,310 --> 00:04:19,068
- Girl, you're welcome.
107
00:04:19,137 --> 00:04:21,724
And tonight is gonna
be even bigger and better.
108
00:04:21,793 --> 00:04:24,241
- Loretta,
you are such a good friend.
109
00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:26,896
Always trying
to make me my best self.
110
00:04:26,965 --> 00:04:31,275
- I just want to show the world
the queen that you are.
111
00:04:31,344 --> 00:04:33,482
Now let's get you hoochie-fied.
112
00:04:33,551 --> 00:04:36,241
- I hate to see
Nancy feeling bad.
113
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,896
She's so gorgeous.
114
00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:41,172
Girl so fine,
I'd leave my wife for her,
115
00:04:41,173 --> 00:04:42,654
if she wasn't already my wife.
116
00:04:42,655 --> 00:04:45,000
[bell rings]
- Dad, good news.
117
00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:47,689
Mom's gonna be OK.
She feels a lot better now.
118
00:04:47,758 --> 00:04:48,965
- What a relief.
119
00:04:48,966 --> 00:04:51,033
I love when problems
resolve themselves
120
00:04:51,034 --> 00:04:52,517
with no action on my part.
121
00:04:52,518 --> 00:04:54,619
- Her friend Loretta's gonna
take her out and get her,
122
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:56,034
uh, what did she call it?
123
00:04:56,103 --> 00:04:57,413
Hoochie-fied.
124
00:04:57,482 --> 00:04:59,896
[dramatic note]
- "Loose Coochie" Loretta?
125
00:04:59,965 --> 00:05:02,103
My sworn nemesis.
126
00:05:02,172 --> 00:05:05,241
She been the devil on your
mother's shoulders for years.
127
00:05:05,310 --> 00:05:06,965
- She's a bad influence on Mom?
128
00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:08,206
- The worst!
129
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,379
She the one who
introduced her to me.
130
00:05:10,448 --> 00:05:13,068
[upbeat music]
131
00:05:13,137 --> 00:05:15,655
- This outfit you got me in
is so tight,
132
00:05:15,724 --> 00:05:18,134
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna
get a yeast infection.
133
00:05:18,137 --> 00:05:20,586
- Well, the trick is
to not wear drawers, girl.
134
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:22,723
They don't call me
"Loose Coochie" for nothing.
135
00:05:22,724 --> 00:05:25,206
- I'll just pick up some
peroxide and vitamin C
136
00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:27,000
on the way home.
137
00:05:27,724 --> 00:05:30,448
- All aboard the
SS "Sassy Sisters."
138
00:05:30,517 --> 00:05:32,379
- Loretta, this car!
139
00:05:32,380 --> 00:05:34,102
- Now you notice
this the same limo
140
00:05:34,103 --> 00:05:36,412
from the opening credits
from "Diff'rent Strokes."
141
00:05:36,413 --> 00:05:37,724
Todd Bridges rents it out
142
00:05:37,725 --> 00:05:40,102
to pay for his
debilitating cocaine addiction.
143
00:05:40,103 --> 00:05:42,172
- How lucky are we?
144
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:45,655
[upbeat funky music]
145
00:05:45,724 --> 00:05:48,793
[bell rings]
- Kev, Loretta is bad news!
146
00:05:48,794 --> 00:05:50,688
She always trying
to hook your mom up
147
00:05:50,689 --> 00:05:53,000
with some man that ain't me!
148
00:05:53,068 --> 00:05:55,103
That woman ain't right!
149
00:05:55,172 --> 00:05:56,655
[Nancy giggling]
150
00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:59,103
- Girl, stop.
You a fool, you a fool.
151
00:05:59,172 --> 00:06:00,793
[laughter]
152
00:06:00,862 --> 00:06:02,172
- Hey.
153
00:06:02,173 --> 00:06:04,550
- Hey! Where do you think
you going with my lady?
154
00:06:04,551 --> 00:06:06,896
- Henry, I am not your lady
anymore.
155
00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:09,482
- You just sit here
and keep getting wasted.
156
00:06:09,551 --> 00:06:11,655
I got this.
157
00:06:11,724 --> 00:06:14,344
Your time here is up, buddy.
158
00:06:14,345 --> 00:06:15,585
Do you know the best way
for a woman
159
00:06:15,586 --> 00:06:17,482
to get over some old dick?
160
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,413
- Uh, a vibrator?
161
00:06:19,482 --> 00:06:20,896
- Some new dick.
162
00:06:20,897 --> 00:06:23,033
And that's exactly what
I'm gonna get her.
163
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:25,586
After tonight, your ashy,
funky junk
164
00:06:25,655 --> 00:06:27,448
will be just an afterthought.
165
00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:29,344
You are dismissed, nigga.
166
00:06:29,413 --> 00:06:30,551
- [grunts]
167
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:31,670
[car door closes]
168
00:06:31,689 --> 00:06:33,551
[Nancy and Loretta laughing]
169
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:36,413
[tires squealing]
170
00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:38,034
Well, that's it.
171
00:06:38,103 --> 00:06:41,068
Loretta's about to make your
mama the mayor of Freakytown.
172
00:06:41,137 --> 00:06:43,689
She was the best thing
that ever happened to me
173
00:06:43,758 --> 00:06:45,965
and I let her get away.
[sighs]
174
00:06:46,034 --> 00:06:48,068
Might as well
go back to the pipe.
175
00:06:48,137 --> 00:06:51,034
- Here you go.
176
00:06:51,103 --> 00:06:52,153
- Dad, no.
177
00:06:52,206 --> 00:06:53,706
If Mom finds a new guy tonight,
178
00:06:53,707 --> 00:06:55,171
that means
I might get a new dad.
179
00:06:55,172 --> 00:06:56,861
And we don't know anything
about this dude.
180
00:06:56,862 --> 00:06:58,206
What if he works on a farm?
181
00:06:58,207 --> 00:07:00,343
Or what if-what if we gotta
move to the Dirty South?
182
00:07:00,344 --> 00:07:02,240
And I don't know the first
thing about milking a cow.
183
00:07:02,241 --> 00:07:05,000
So no, Dad, you will not
be giving up on Mom,
184
00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:07,551
and I will not be wearing
a 12-gallon hat.
185
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,964
My head's too little for that.
186
00:07:08,965 --> 00:07:11,586
- You right, son.
And it is our job to stop her.
187
00:07:11,655 --> 00:07:13,275
To save your mama birthday,
188
00:07:13,344 --> 00:07:15,965
we gotta
ruin your mama birthday.
189
00:07:15,966 --> 00:07:17,516
[tires screeching]
Oh, excuse me, mister.
190
00:07:17,517 --> 00:07:19,516
My wife is in that limousine,
and I need to stop her.
191
00:07:19,517 --> 00:07:20,657
I don't have any money,
192
00:07:20,658 --> 00:07:21,895
but I-
- Take it! Don't shoot me!
193
00:07:21,896 --> 00:07:24,137
David Duke warned us
about this!
194
00:07:24,206 --> 00:07:28,379
- I guess sometimes stereotypes
work out in your favor.
195
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,793
- All right, let's go.
196
00:07:29,862 --> 00:07:31,758
- Kev, now you gonna
have to drive
197
00:07:31,759 --> 00:07:33,481
'cause I don't wanna
get another DWI.
198
00:07:33,482 --> 00:07:34,792
- Well,
I don't know how to drive.
199
00:07:34,793 --> 00:07:37,023
And you haven't been drinking.
- [gurgling]
200
00:07:37,275 --> 00:07:38,344
[burps]
201
00:07:38,413 --> 00:07:39,620
- I spoke too soon.
202
00:07:39,689 --> 00:07:41,103
[upbeat music]
203
00:07:41,172 --> 00:07:44,137
- [grunts]
204
00:07:44,138 --> 00:07:45,585
- Last year, I felt horrible
205
00:07:45,586 --> 00:07:47,861
because I didn't get Mom
anything for her birthday.
206
00:07:47,862 --> 00:07:49,655
This year,
I do everything right,
207
00:07:49,724 --> 00:07:51,620
and it still blew up
in my face.
208
00:07:51,689 --> 00:07:52,862
What's the point?
209
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,931
- Point is
your mom does everything
210
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,172
for this family,
and you need to show her
211
00:07:57,241 --> 00:07:58,896
how much you appreciate her!
212
00:07:58,965 --> 00:08:01,103
Now, too bad your cake
got fucked up,
213
00:08:01,172 --> 00:08:02,931
but you gotta man up
and try again.
214
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,517
- I don't have new cake money.
215
00:08:04,586 --> 00:08:05,862
- Well, lucky for you,
216
00:08:05,931 --> 00:08:08,620
your uncle was
the lead baker in prison.
217
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,344
We're gonna make sis one
of my famous pruno cakes.
218
00:08:11,413 --> 00:08:14,206
- Pruno, nigga? Mom's
not gonna want a prison cake.
219
00:08:14,207 --> 00:08:15,964
- Just because it
comes from the pen,
220
00:08:15,965 --> 00:08:18,068
like me, don't make it bad.
221
00:08:18,137 --> 00:08:21,517
Are you saying I'm not
motherfucking delicious?
222
00:08:21,586 --> 00:08:23,336
- I'm not saying
anything anymore.
223
00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:24,429
- Good.
224
00:08:24,430 --> 00:08:25,930
Now grab
that big bag of oranges
225
00:08:25,931 --> 00:08:28,689
growing green fur on 'em
under my bunk in the basement.
226
00:08:28,690 --> 00:08:30,654
I was gonna let 'em fester
for a little while
227
00:08:30,655 --> 00:08:33,378
to poison somebody, but we'll
give 'em to your mom instead.
228
00:08:33,379 --> 00:08:34,724
[chuckles]
229
00:08:34,793 --> 00:08:36,620
- ? Oh, I'm in love ?
230
00:08:36,689 --> 00:08:38,793
? ?
231
00:08:38,862 --> 00:08:41,241
? Oh, yes, I am ?
232
00:08:41,310 --> 00:08:44,965
- The Scintillations?
Oh, Loretta, you didn't.
233
00:08:45,034 --> 00:08:48,241
- Oh, yes, I did...
n't get tickets.
234
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,379
But just like the night
you turned 20,
235
00:08:50,448 --> 00:08:55,241
girl, I am getting you in
to see the Sultans of Swoon.
236
00:08:55,310 --> 00:08:56,551
Remember when they sang
237
00:08:56,552 --> 00:08:58,378
"Who Will Be My Forever Girl
Tonight?"
238
00:08:58,379 --> 00:09:00,034
- Ooh, yes.
239
00:09:00,103 --> 00:09:02,862
I tried to toss my panties
on this stage
240
00:09:02,931 --> 00:09:04,965
and they ended up
in the third row.
241
00:09:04,966 --> 00:09:06,930
Who knows how different
my life would have been
242
00:09:06,931 --> 00:09:08,931
if I got 'em up there?
243
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,310
- Mm.
244
00:09:10,379 --> 00:09:14,379
Just know a dream deferred
is a dream denied, girl.
245
00:09:14,448 --> 00:09:16,034
Now let's go get scintillated.
246
00:09:16,103 --> 00:09:18,137
[laughter]
247
00:09:18,206 --> 00:09:19,482
- Whoo!
248
00:09:19,551 --> 00:09:20,689
[tires screech]
249
00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:22,758
- Dad, who are
the Scintillations?
250
00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:24,827
- Dear God.
251
00:09:24,896 --> 00:09:28,379
The Velvety Voices of Vagina.
252
00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:29,757
[muffled music playing inside]
253
00:09:29,758 --> 00:09:31,448
[Nancy shivers]
254
00:09:31,517 --> 00:09:32,897
- Ooh, it's so cold out here,
255
00:09:32,898 --> 00:09:34,861
I'ma freeze to death
in this little outfit.
256
00:09:34,862 --> 00:09:36,344
- We won't be out here long.
257
00:09:36,413 --> 00:09:39,172
We gonna get in just like
we did when we were 20.
258
00:09:39,241 --> 00:09:41,551
By wiggling our hips
and flashing our nips.
259
00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:45,689
- Mm. Yeah, that was a whole
bunch of stretch marks ago.
260
00:09:45,758 --> 00:09:46,931
- We still got it.
261
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,724
Time to hoochie our way inside.
262
00:09:49,793 --> 00:09:52,448
[muffled music playing inside]
263
00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:55,034
- Hey, hold up.
Where y'all think y'all going?
264
00:09:55,035 --> 00:09:57,688
- I know you're not trying
to stop the two sexiest ladies
265
00:09:57,689 --> 00:09:59,827
in Philly from getting
in this concert.
266
00:09:59,896 --> 00:10:03,241
- Did she mention she's
not wearing any underwear?
267
00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:04,724
- I'm good.
268
00:10:04,725 --> 00:10:05,861
- Look, can you
just please help
269
00:10:05,862 --> 00:10:07,422
a couple seasoned bitches out?
270
00:10:07,448 --> 00:10:09,172
It's my friend's birthday
271
00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:10,757
and she's the
biggest Scintillations fan
272
00:10:10,758 --> 00:10:11,723
on the planet.
273
00:10:11,724 --> 00:10:12,774
Please.
274
00:10:12,827 --> 00:10:14,965
- [shivering]
275
00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:17,689
- Well, I normally
don't do this,
276
00:10:17,758 --> 00:10:20,206
but she reminds me of my mama.
277
00:10:20,275 --> 00:10:22,482
She not in the best of health
right now.
278
00:10:22,551 --> 00:10:25,241
[shakily] Like your friend,
she's also an old ho!
279
00:10:25,310 --> 00:10:26,758
- Old ho?
280
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,896
Young man, I'll have you know
that I am-
281
00:10:28,965 --> 00:10:31,000
- That we are more
than grateful.
282
00:10:31,068 --> 00:10:32,758
We gotta work with what we got.
283
00:10:32,827 --> 00:10:35,310
[indistinct chatter]
284
00:10:35,379 --> 00:10:37,068
I told you we was getting in.
285
00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:39,102
Now, let's go see
if we can use our charms
286
00:10:39,103 --> 00:10:41,620
to get somebody
to buy us something to eat.
287
00:10:41,689 --> 00:10:43,413
- Yeah, that's right.
- Mm.
288
00:10:43,482 --> 00:10:45,068
Those wings look good as hell.
289
00:10:45,137 --> 00:10:49,137
- They are pretty damn tasty.
290
00:10:49,206 --> 00:10:53,379
- Me and my gorgeous girlfriend
here are really, really hungry.
291
00:10:53,448 --> 00:10:55,551
Right, Nancy?
- Famished.
292
00:10:55,620 --> 00:11:01,827
- Now, I'd be more than happy
to share my wings with you.
293
00:11:01,896 --> 00:11:03,482
- Thank you.
- Still got it.
294
00:11:03,551 --> 00:11:05,034
- Now, lookie here.
295
00:11:05,103 --> 00:11:08,000
Which one of you do
I get to fuck first?
296
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,620
- Well, it's her birthday.
297
00:11:09,689 --> 00:11:10,896
- What the hell?
298
00:11:10,965 --> 00:11:12,931
I'm not having sex
with some old creep
299
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,793
for a few measly wings.
300
00:11:15,862 --> 00:11:16,912
[sauce splashes]
301
00:11:16,965 --> 00:11:19,931
- Not my dress!
Damn it!
302
00:11:20,165 --> 00:11:23,757
- I told you
we were gonna eat for free.
303
00:11:23,758 --> 00:11:25,482
Ain't no thang
but a chicken wing.
304
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:28,724
You feel me?
305
00:11:28,725 --> 00:11:30,619
- White people got
a lot of ashtray money.
306
00:11:30,620 --> 00:11:32,172
Way more than us Blacks.
307
00:11:32,241 --> 00:11:35,034
We just use our ashtray
for ash.
308
00:11:35,035 --> 00:11:37,688
We gonna have enough money
for two tickets, some popcorn,
309
00:11:37,689 --> 00:11:39,482
and a couple of free waters!
310
00:11:39,551 --> 00:11:40,601
[dramatic note]
311
00:11:40,655 --> 00:11:42,068
God damn it.
312
00:11:42,137 --> 00:11:46,241
Why do crooner niggas have
so much staying power?
313
00:11:46,242 --> 00:11:47,964
Do you still have a thing
for the little girl
314
00:11:47,965 --> 00:11:49,482
that lives up the street?
315
00:11:49,551 --> 00:11:52,381
- Do I? I've been in love with
Rhe Rhe since kindergarten.
316
00:11:52,413 --> 00:11:54,620
- Well, let me give
you a bit of advice
317
00:11:54,689 --> 00:11:57,241
that I wish I knew when
I first got with your mama.
318
00:11:57,310 --> 00:11:58,862
[tender music]
319
00:11:58,931 --> 00:12:01,172
Don't steal her jewelry.
320
00:12:01,241 --> 00:12:03,965
And don't smoke the oregano
from that spice rack,
321
00:12:04,034 --> 00:12:06,931
especially when
she making spaghetti.
322
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,110
- Dad, I had no plans
to do any of that stuff.
323
00:12:09,137 --> 00:12:11,103
But thanks anyway.
- Well, that's good.
324
00:12:11,104 --> 00:12:13,240
Because then someday
you won't find yourself
325
00:12:13,241 --> 00:12:15,448
having to do crazy
stuff like this
326
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,482
to get her to love you back.
327
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,172
Sir, you gotta help me.
328
00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:23,102
My wife is in there
with her slutty friend
329
00:12:23,103 --> 00:12:24,896
who's trying
to get her turned out.
330
00:12:24,965 --> 00:12:26,931
And if I don't stop her,
331
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,172
she gonna be just another
suck-dick-stic.
332
00:12:29,241 --> 00:12:31,620
- Sorry, you're not getting in.
333
00:12:31,689 --> 00:12:33,931
- Well, guess that's it.
334
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,413
- No, it isn't.
335
00:12:35,482 --> 00:12:38,379
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, hold up.
Is that smack?
336
00:12:38,448 --> 00:12:39,655
- Even better.
337
00:12:39,656 --> 00:12:41,378
It's pure, uncut
name-brand insulin,
338
00:12:41,379 --> 00:12:43,067
direct from a white guy's
glove compartment.
339
00:12:43,068 --> 00:12:45,033
- Now, I know you got
somebody in your family
340
00:12:45,034 --> 00:12:48,275
who could really
use some of this.
341
00:12:48,344 --> 00:12:49,758
- Mama!
342
00:12:49,827 --> 00:12:51,793
You gonna get
to keep your foot!
343
00:12:51,862 --> 00:12:54,172
[door creaks]
344
00:12:54,551 --> 00:12:56,137
- These seats are terrible.
345
00:12:56,206 --> 00:12:59,068
My coochie do not belong
in the rafters.
346
00:12:59,137 --> 00:13:01,931
Well, not until after
its retirement ceremony.
347
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,206
[laughter]
348
00:13:03,207 --> 00:13:04,861
- I see Loose Coochie
at 12 o'clock.
349
00:13:04,862 --> 00:13:06,172
- You spotted Loretta?
350
00:13:06,241 --> 00:13:07,793
- No.
351
00:13:07,794 --> 00:13:09,447
Just a woman whose vagina been
around the block a few times.
352
00:13:09,448 --> 00:13:10,862
[cheering]
353
00:13:10,931 --> 00:13:12,620
- Ladies and gentlemen,
354
00:13:12,689 --> 00:13:16,620
the one, the only,
the sexiest band in the land,
355
00:13:16,689 --> 00:13:18,310
the often imitated,
356
00:13:18,379 --> 00:13:21,793
only four times equaled,
The Scintillations!
357
00:13:21,862 --> 00:13:23,310
[cheers and applause]
358
00:13:23,379 --> 00:13:25,482
- Oh, sing that song!
Come on!
359
00:13:25,551 --> 00:13:27,068
[soulful music]
360
00:13:27,137 --> 00:13:28,724
- They look a little old.
361
00:13:28,793 --> 00:13:30,172
- Good thing we don't.
362
00:13:30,241 --> 00:13:31,931
Let's go.
363
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,517
- ? Let me love ?
364
00:13:33,586 --> 00:13:35,689
- Come on. Come on!
365
00:13:35,758 --> 00:13:37,275
- [yelps]
366
00:13:37,344 --> 00:13:40,931
- ? You're gonna need
a tissue or two ?
367
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,517
- Excuse me.
- Excuse you, excuse you.
368
00:13:43,586 --> 00:13:45,241
- Excuse you. Coming through.
369
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,550
- That's them right there,
crawling on the floor.
370
00:13:47,551 --> 00:13:49,206
- Sound like Loretta.
371
00:13:49,275 --> 00:13:52,310
The only thing looser than
her coochie's her knee joints.
372
00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:53,482
Let's go, son.
373
00:13:53,551 --> 00:13:54,724
? ?
374
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:55,965
- Hey, hey.
375
00:13:55,966 --> 00:13:57,378
Where do you two
think you're going?
376
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,931
- All right,
time to take out the big guns.
377
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,689
- Damn.
You strapped?
378
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,103
- Sure am.
379
00:14:03,172 --> 00:14:05,448
I'm talking about
the tig ol' bitties.
380
00:14:05,517 --> 00:14:07,517
Unhook me, girl.
381
00:14:07,586 --> 00:14:11,275
[bra snaps like a whip]
- Ah, oh, no! My eye!
382
00:14:11,344 --> 00:14:13,068
- Excuse me.
Out of my way.
383
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:14,723
Out of my way.
Come on, let's clear it out.
384
00:14:14,724 --> 00:14:18,448
- ? Fruit juice goes
in the plastic bag ?
385
00:14:18,517 --> 00:14:21,448
? The peel comes off
the orange ?
386
00:14:21,517 --> 00:14:25,206
? And then we come out
with the orange ?
387
00:14:25,275 --> 00:14:28,758
? Hide it behind
the door hinge ?
388
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:29,931
- Whoops.
389
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,482
- What the hell are you doing?
390
00:14:31,551 --> 00:14:33,862
Do you think this
is a fucking game?
391
00:14:33,931 --> 00:14:36,379
We're making pruno, Negro!
392
00:14:36,448 --> 00:14:39,586
- Jesus, why are you taking
this stupid stuff so serious?
393
00:14:39,655 --> 00:14:41,034
- Stupid?
394
00:14:41,103 --> 00:14:43,448
Is surviving
a seven-year sentence stupid?
395
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,723
When you in the joint,
you find the little things
396
00:14:45,724 --> 00:14:49,517
to make life just a tiny bit
enjoyable or you snap.
397
00:14:49,518 --> 00:14:51,136
That means staying close
to the people
398
00:14:51,137 --> 00:14:54,068
that give a fuck about you,
like your mom.
399
00:14:54,137 --> 00:14:55,862
And it's her special day today
400
00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:58,275
and we gotta go the extra mile
for her.
401
00:14:58,344 --> 00:15:01,896
- All right, Unc.
I'll be better this time.
402
00:15:01,965 --> 00:15:04,482
We gotta do this for Moms.
- Word.
403
00:15:04,551 --> 00:15:06,301
Now peel that orange
the right way
404
00:15:06,302 --> 00:15:08,067
and toss it in the bag
with the bread heels
405
00:15:08,068 --> 00:15:09,118
and the cough syrup.
406
00:15:09,137 --> 00:15:11,551
This shit finna be good.
407
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,000
[applause]
408
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:16,413
- Right now is the time
of our heart,
409
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:20,000
where we sing
a very special song
410
00:15:20,068 --> 00:15:22,827
to a very special lady.
411
00:15:22,896 --> 00:15:24,551
- Here we go!
[all cheering]
412
00:15:24,620 --> 00:15:25,931
- I'm your special lady!
413
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,379
- Now, this song asks
a very simple question.
414
00:15:28,448 --> 00:15:33,862
? Who will be my forever girl
tonight? ?
415
00:15:33,931 --> 00:15:37,551
[women screaming]
416
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,379
- I knew it, girl!
417
00:15:40,448 --> 00:15:43,586
Nancy, it's go time.
Toss your panties.
418
00:15:43,655 --> 00:15:45,689
- What?
No, I'm not doing that!
419
00:15:45,758 --> 00:15:47,758
- Girl, this is your chance
to rectify
420
00:15:47,827 --> 00:15:49,448
what happened when you were 20.
421
00:15:49,517 --> 00:15:51,207
The lead singer
is gonna pick you
422
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,103
to be his forever lady.
423
00:15:53,172 --> 00:15:54,222
For tonight.
424
00:15:54,241 --> 00:15:56,068
- I am too old for this,
Loretta.
425
00:15:56,137 --> 00:15:57,793
- You are tossing panties.
426
00:15:57,862 --> 00:16:01,586
I'll use one of my
spare panties if I have to.
427
00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:03,034
You can thank me when
428
00:16:03,035 --> 00:16:05,240
these get you some
Scintillations birthday dick.
429
00:16:05,241 --> 00:16:07,793
- But I don't want
Scintillation birthday dick.
430
00:16:07,862 --> 00:16:11,965
together:
? Who will be my forever girl ?
431
00:16:12,034 --> 00:16:14,551
? Tonight? ?
432
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:17,862
? Girl, you lookin' so right ?
433
00:16:17,931 --> 00:16:20,413
? Who will be my forever girl ?
434
00:16:20,482 --> 00:16:22,241
- It's the moment of truth,
Kev.
435
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:25,551
My chance to save your mama
from old R&B dick.
436
00:16:25,620 --> 00:16:27,448
- Time for me to pull out
the big guns.
437
00:16:27,517 --> 00:16:29,551
- Oh, no,
not the titties again.
438
00:16:29,620 --> 00:16:31,586
- I'm gonna do what
you too scared to do.
439
00:16:31,587 --> 00:16:32,826
Watch this.
[cannon clicks]
440
00:16:32,827 --> 00:16:34,793
- Loretta, no!
441
00:16:34,862 --> 00:16:36,103
[crowd gasps]
- Huh?
442
00:16:36,172 --> 00:16:39,689
[low-pitched
Get 'em, tiger!
443
00:16:39,758 --> 00:16:41,275
[low-pitched groan]
444
00:16:41,344 --> 00:16:44,689
- [low-pitched]
No, no, no, no, no.
445
00:16:44,758 --> 00:16:47,241
[panties splat]
- [yelps] Oh, my God!
446
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,413
- Good.
- Damn.
447
00:16:48,482 --> 00:16:50,034
- They missed.
- They missed.
448
00:16:50,103 --> 00:16:53,241
- Could someone hand me those
panties with my info on them?
449
00:16:53,310 --> 00:16:55,448
- That was you?
- It wasn't me.
450
00:16:55,517 --> 00:16:58,724
- You get Buffalo sauce
all over me, and now this?
451
00:16:58,793 --> 00:17:02,379
You got some nerve with
yo fake-ass Salt-N-Pepa bob.
452
00:17:02,448 --> 00:17:05,827
- [gasps]
Oh, no you didn't.
453
00:17:05,896 --> 00:17:08,827
- Nobody touches my hair!
454
00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:12,344
all: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
455
00:17:12,413 --> 00:17:14,689
- Oh, my God! Get off of me!
456
00:17:14,758 --> 00:17:16,172
- Oh, hell no.
457
00:17:16,241 --> 00:17:19,068
This ain't happening
on my friend's 40th birthday.
458
00:17:19,137 --> 00:17:20,758
Get out the way.
459
00:17:20,827 --> 00:17:22,379
[shouting]
460
00:17:22,448 --> 00:17:24,206
- Hey! Hey!
Come here!
461
00:17:24,275 --> 00:17:26,482
You're going to concert jail.
462
00:17:26,551 --> 00:17:28,758
- God damn it, arrested again.
463
00:17:28,827 --> 00:17:31,689
- Dad, they're taking Mom away.
Now what are we gonna do?
464
00:17:31,758 --> 00:17:34,068
- Save her, of course.
465
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,068
[triumphant music]
466
00:17:37,137 --> 00:17:38,827
[bell rings]
467
00:17:38,896 --> 00:17:41,862
- [gasps]
It's a masterpiece.
468
00:17:41,931 --> 00:17:43,931
You made a masterpiece.
469
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,206
- Wemade a masterpiece.
470
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,655
- We finally did Mama right.
471
00:17:48,724 --> 00:17:51,827
- This some hardcore
convict shit right here.
472
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:54,827
[laughing] Now get
the rainbow sprinkles, nigga.
473
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:56,965
[old-school hip-hop music]
474
00:17:57,034 --> 00:18:00,000
- Drinks on me.
- Uh-huh.
475
00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:03,517
- I can't believe I'm
turning 40 in a holding cell
476
00:18:03,586 --> 00:18:06,344
in the basement
of the Pepsi Clear Theater.
477
00:18:06,413 --> 00:18:10,068
What was I thinking,
putting on this dumb outfit,
478
00:18:10,137 --> 00:18:12,620
letting you throw my panties?
479
00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:14,517
I'm not 20.
480
00:18:14,586 --> 00:18:17,379
I'm just an old,
boring-ass bitch.
481
00:18:17,448 --> 00:18:19,965
- Yes, you are.
482
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,067
[exhales deeply]
483
00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:22,206
[somber piano music]
484
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:24,034
[wheezes]
485
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,413
[hacking cough]
486
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:30,344
I've been free all my life.
487
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:34,482
Never had a husband,
never had no kids, neither.
488
00:18:34,551 --> 00:18:37,344
I've been coming
to this theater for decades.
489
00:18:37,413 --> 00:18:39,482
I can't count
the amount of panties
490
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:42,793
I've gotten on that stage,
and I definitely can't remember
491
00:18:42,862 --> 00:18:47,413
the number of celebrity and
roadie dicks I done sucked.
492
00:18:47,482 --> 00:18:50,586
And if I had it
to do all over again,
493
00:18:50,655 --> 00:18:54,034
I would have
kept my drawers on,
494
00:18:54,103 --> 00:18:56,379
settled down
with a regular nigga,
495
00:18:56,448 --> 00:18:59,206
and had some regular kids.
496
00:18:59,275 --> 00:19:02,379
I would kill for your life,
young lady.
497
00:19:02,448 --> 00:19:05,586
Be happy your underwear
never reached that stage.
498
00:19:05,655 --> 00:19:09,137
You might be me if they had,
499
00:19:09,206 --> 00:19:11,448
a washed-up old groupie
500
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:15,586
who tried to bite
a popcorn man's finger off.
501
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,724
[somber piano music]
502
00:19:17,793 --> 00:19:18,965
- Thank you, ma'am.
503
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:20,827
I needed to hear what
you just said.
504
00:19:20,896 --> 00:19:23,620
- You are my hero.
505
00:19:23,689 --> 00:19:28,034
- Well, then my work here
is done.
506
00:19:28,103 --> 00:19:32,034
? ?
507
00:19:32,103 --> 00:19:35,137
- Loretta, I just want
this night to be over.
508
00:19:35,206 --> 00:19:36,965
I want to go home to my boys.
509
00:19:37,034 --> 00:19:39,724
I'd even be happy to see
my no-good husband again.
510
00:19:39,793 --> 00:19:43,724
- Hey, hey, you ho!
Let my hoochie wife go!
511
00:19:43,793 --> 00:19:44,896
- Henry?
512
00:19:44,965 --> 00:19:46,241
- Hey, baby.
513
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,517
You look amazing.
514
00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,827
In-in a streetwalking
kind of way.
515
00:19:50,896 --> 00:19:54,137
Mm, well, if it ain't
Ms. Loose Coochie.
516
00:19:54,206 --> 00:19:56,517
Still ruining lives, I see.
517
00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:59,827
- The only person ruining
anything around here is you,
518
00:19:59,896 --> 00:20:02,448
long-balled-havin',
no-drawers-wearing,
519
00:20:02,517 --> 00:20:04,137
hairline-receding,
520
00:20:04,206 --> 00:20:06,517
French-onion-soup-smelling
bum bitch!
521
00:20:06,586 --> 00:20:08,137
- Oh.
522
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:11,689
You is really the one to talk
with your elephant cankles,
523
00:20:11,690 --> 00:20:13,792
titties touching your knees-
- Stop it! Stop it!
524
00:20:13,793 --> 00:20:15,137
Just stop it!
525
00:20:15,138 --> 00:20:16,826
- Yeah, stop it, Henry!
- Yeah, stop it, Loretta!
526
00:20:16,827 --> 00:20:18,275
- Both of you stop it.
527
00:20:18,276 --> 00:20:19,757
Just shut the hell up
and stop treating me
528
00:20:19,758 --> 00:20:21,827
like a pawn on a chess board.
529
00:20:21,896 --> 00:20:23,275
I am not a child.
530
00:20:23,344 --> 00:20:25,448
I'm a proud, grown-ass lady,
531
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:27,931
and I will not be made
to feel ashamed.
532
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,551
- I am proud of you too, Mama.
533
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:32,241
- Kev, you shouldn't
see your mama like this.
534
00:20:32,242 --> 00:20:33,378
What are you doing here?
535
00:20:33,379 --> 00:20:34,586
- I was worried about you.
536
00:20:34,655 --> 00:20:36,344
- Why are you worried about me?
537
00:20:36,345 --> 00:20:37,999
- I mean,
you punched Robert's cake,
538
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,412
and you were crying all day
saying your life was over
539
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:42,275
and that you wasted your youth.
540
00:20:42,276 --> 00:20:43,550
Kind of sounded like
you were saying
541
00:20:43,551 --> 00:20:45,413
you wasted your youth on us.
542
00:20:45,482 --> 00:20:50,586
- No, sweetheart, I was
just feeling things today.
543
00:20:50,655 --> 00:20:53,551
But let me make this clear.
544
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:58,482
I never regret having you kids
for even a second.
545
00:20:58,551 --> 00:21:01,000
Now, whose idea was it
546
00:21:01,068 --> 00:21:06,068
to bring a 12-year-old
to a Scintillations concert?
547
00:21:06,137 --> 00:21:10,379
Mr. Guard, I'm 40 years old.
I'm better than this.
548
00:21:10,448 --> 00:21:12,379
This is all on me.
549
00:21:12,448 --> 00:21:14,448
Let my son and husband go,
550
00:21:14,517 --> 00:21:17,827
but put me away as
long as you must.
551
00:21:17,828 --> 00:21:20,136
- Ma'am, what the hell
are you talking about?
552
00:21:20,137 --> 00:21:21,517
Hey, you can leave right now.
553
00:21:21,551 --> 00:21:24,344
The show's over
and I'm off the clock.
554
00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:26,583
Shit, I'm just
making minimum wage anyway.
555
00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:30,310
[upbeat music]
556
00:21:30,379 --> 00:21:32,369
- Loretta, thank you
for trying to make
557
00:21:32,413 --> 00:21:34,793
my last night in my thirties
a special one.
558
00:21:34,862 --> 00:21:37,551
But now it's time
for me to go home
559
00:21:37,620 --> 00:21:40,103
and be the 40-year-old
that I am.
560
00:21:40,172 --> 00:21:42,896
- And it's time for me
to be the hoochie that Iam.
561
00:21:42,965 --> 00:21:46,172
[chuckles] Turns out
he has a thing for old hos.
562
00:21:46,241 --> 00:21:48,068
Who knew?
563
00:21:48,137 --> 00:21:49,793
- I just want to go home.
564
00:21:49,794 --> 00:21:51,309
[music playing on car stereo]
565
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:56,344
- Madame, your random
white guy's Oldsmobile awaits.
566
00:21:56,345 --> 00:21:57,412
- Say what now?
567
00:21:57,413 --> 00:21:59,068
- Long story, Mom.
568
00:21:59,137 --> 00:22:02,517
Mom, I want you to be
my forever girl forever.
569
00:22:02,586 --> 00:22:06,379
- Kev, I will always
be your forever girl.
570
00:22:06,448 --> 00:22:08,758
This guy has Klan literature
in here.
571
00:22:10,206 --> 00:22:11,965
- ? I need you now ?
572
00:22:12,034 --> 00:22:16,586
group: ? Who will be
my forever girl ?
573
00:22:16,655 --> 00:22:19,655
? Tonight? ?
574
00:22:19,724 --> 00:22:22,241
? Girl, you lookin' so right ?
575
00:22:22,310 --> 00:22:26,931
group: ? Who will be
my forever girl ?
576
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,620
? Tonight? ?
577
00:22:29,689 --> 00:22:32,517
? Who, baby? ?
578
00:22:32,586 --> 00:22:36,482
? Looking at all the beautiful
women in the crowd ?
579
00:22:36,551 --> 00:22:38,793
? Mm, we lock eyes ?
580
00:22:38,843 --> 00:22:43,393
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