All language subtitles for Lil Kev s01e03 Laugh at My Paign.eng

- ? You know it's gotta be
keyed up ?

? The kind of show that make
you cowards get beat up ?

? We on the outs until
we called to go do bids ?

? Man, you know the streets
ain't for kids ?

? Come on,
burglars and murderers ?

? And all kind of fiends ?

? Bogeymen in real life,
it ain't nothing clean ?

? Babies traumatized,
and their daddy drunk ?

? It don't matter,
can't be no punk ?

- ? I can't take the hood
out of me ?

- ? Yeah, Lil Kev ?

? You don't wanna be
out here with us ?

? It's bad, boy ?

? Don't turn that corner ?

? Let the streetlights
hit you ?

- ? I can't take the hood
out of me ?

[upbeat music]

- Good morning, North Philly.

It's October 1st,
and it's hot.

I'm talking deodorant under
a fat lady's titties hot.

We thought
we were done with summer,

but like Glenn Close
in "Fatal Attraction,"

that bitch
wasn't done with us.

This heat can make people
who usually do

the right thing
do the wrong thing.

[ominous music]

? ?

[trash can thuds]

[tapping]

- Yo, fellas.
Hey, let's hit the pool.

Thank God for the city pool.

You know,
it's nice to have a place

where we can get our swim on.

- You mean get our sit around,
eat pork rinds

and look at the honeys on.

I love puberty.

- Gerald, I really respect

how you make being a fat ass
work for you.

- I'm comfortable with my gift.

- All right, fellas, come on.

We're going to cool off
by any means necessary.

There's no better way
to beat the heat.

And like Ice Cube says,
well, today is a good day.

- Dang, Ice Cube's
gonna melt in here.

- Well, come on in.
The water's gone.

[chuckles]
- Wait, what happened?

- The city couldn't maintain it
'cause of budget cuts.

[laughs]
It's ours now.

Degenerates, one.
Community, zero.

[farts]

- Dang.
I was going to do a cannonball.

- And I'm about to do
an eight ball.

Geronimo!

[tense music]

- I call to order
this meeting of

the Ninth District Neighborhood
Improvement Committee.

[distant gunshots]

First item of business,
preparations for our

fall street fair next weekend.

Mrs. Park
from the Liquor Pantry

will be handling refreshments.

- I'll be serving up snacks,
soda,

and a 12 pack of
don't get any funny ideas!

[gun clicks]

[all gasp]

- I'm gonna make sure
I eat at home.

- Okay, that takes care
of security too.

- Ma, oh, you won't believe
what they did to the pool.

It's a-
[gasps]

Oh, Lord.

- This isn't your home country,
young man.

You have to wear more
than a loincloth.

- Thank you, Mrs. Old Lady,

for being so sweet
with your racism.

- My pleasure, Shaka Zulu.

- Now, Mom,
look, if your committee

wants to improve things, well,

they should start
with the pool.

The city closed it.

And now we got street people
living in the deep end.

- Kevin, what's my rule
when I have company?

- The kids should be seen
and not heard.

- I don't really want
to see you now either.

Backstroke out of here.

Okay, now, let's talk
about refreshments.

- [groans]

[upbeat music]

- Hmm.

Mmm.

? ?

[grunts]

? ?

[groans]

- Get your personal
climate control here.

Two minutes for every $10.

Phone call not included.

$0.10 out of every dollar
goes to help Jheri Curl's kids.

- Man, it is hot today.

For a second, I thought
I accidentally put on drawers.

[sighs]

Hey, Kev, what happened
to your smile?

- Aw, did you have to sell
your teeth to make rent?

- No.

The city let the pool
go to crap,

and now there's nowhere
for us to swim anymore.

- Oh, sorry to hear that.

I lost my virginity
in that pool.

Twice.
- Mm.

Kev, your daddy's here
to save the day.

I'm gonna need broom handles
and some old duct tape.

- That might be the strangest
superpower I've ever seen.

? ?

- You're the man, Dad.

- What the-?
- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Everybody wet.

- Henry Hart.
- No need to thank me, darling.

It's all in a day's work of
proving to you that I can be

a good dad, a great husband,

and a long-lasting
and unselfish lover.

? 'Cause it's my duty
to please that booty ?

- Ain't nobody touching
nobody's booty around here.

Are you trying to ruin
my street fair?

- Not my menthol pork rinds.

- Fine.
I'll fix it, Miss Killjoy.

- This isn't so bad.

I don't know why
you people complain

when you get hosed down!

- Hmm.

- Thank you for nothing.

[car horn honks]

[big band music]

? ?

Finally, somebody
who's helping around here.

- Who that corny ass nigga?
- Dad, That's Coleman Bridges.

He's running for city council.

- My friends, I am running to
defeat the 27-term incumbent,

Liam McFitz Williams.

In my view, Mr. McFitz Williams
has monopolized

his seat for far too long.

- Oye, this Coleman guy can
monopolize my seat anytime.

- You ain't never lie.
Mm, mm, mm.

- I have deep roots
in this community.

I was born 10 blocks from here.

When I graduated from Yale Law,

I could have had my choice of
any high-paying corporate jobs,

but I chose to move back here
and work in this community.

- What the fuck
is wrong with you?

- Because I care deeply
about what matters

to the good people
of the ninth district.

Now, are there any issues
you'd like to see addressed?

- Why does my knee click?
- I can't find my keys!

- None of these women
wanna fuck me.

- Interesting.

Let me get back
to you on those.

Anyone else?
- This is my chance.

Hey, Mr. Bridges.

Um, my name is Kevin Hart,
honor roll student

at Wilson Goode Middle School.
My picture's on the wall.

I'm not bragging.

I just want to say that
our indoor pool was shut down

due to city budget cuts.

What are you planning
to do about reopening it?

- Young man,
I see this is something

you care deeply about.

I congratulate you
on your passionate advocacy

for your community.

- There's no way
he's going to say "but"

after all that wind-up.
- But...

- Damn it!

- A pool isn't an issue
with a large constituency.

Less than 5% of the district
even knows how to swim.

- Yeah, but with
the pool shut down,

the number is only
going to get worse.

And I mean-

- Now, let's focus on the
problems that affect everyone.

What are your
other concerns, folks?

- I am Nancy Hart,

chairwoman of the Neighborhood
Improvement Committee.

- With a sexy,
single best friend

who's available to work
the polls for you.

- Mrs. Hart,
how can I help you today?

- Mm, when did it get
so hot out here?

Would you be willing
to look at this list

of issues we've come up with?

Perhaps address a meeting
of our committee sometime?

- I've got time right now.
- Sure, yeah.

Listen to the grown woman
who votes.

Stupid politician.

- I always enjoy personal
one-on-one interactions

with my constituents.
- Hey, hey.

Get the cameras over here.

[upbeat music]

The potholes are so deep

that Chinamen
are popping out of them?

- Oh, no,
that one wasn't from me.

That-that was
Mrs. Old Lady's.

Don't mind her.
She sees Chinamen everywhere.

- Oh, they are everywhere.

Last night, one of them
pooped in my bed.

- Very concerning.

- Bridges doesn't care
about the pool

because he feels like
he's already got

the minority vote on lock.

- Well, maybe
the old white man will listen.

- He's the one
who shut it down.

- Really?
Damn.

Now I'm starting to think
these white politicians

really don't have
our best interests at heart.

- Well, we got to find
a candidate

who cares about the pool,
who isn't 12 years old...

[bell chimes]

By any means necessary.

- Son, looks like you smell
opportunity-

or burnt toast.

You having a stroke?
- Dad, you can speak for me.

You should run
against that guy.

- Me?
Why would I do that?

- It'll force him
to listen about the pool.

And Mom, well, then she'll see
that you're improving yourself.

It's a win-win.

- Sounds like
a lot of work-work.

But a'ight, I'll do it-do it.
- And I'll help.

It'll be easy, Dad.

You know, in fourth grade,
we did a book report

on how politics work.
I'm pretty much an expert.

- I believe with all my soul
that I can propose

an exploratory study to earmark
one half of 1%

of all transit fares
to start a task force

to look into the feasibility
of every last-

[car crashes]

- My bad.

- Voters of Philadelphia,
my name is Kevin Hart,

and my dad, Henry,
is running for city council.

- What in the hell?

- Mr. Hart
is the only candidate

who cares about
the important issues.

Mention the pool.
- What pool?

- The pool the city shut down.

- Mr. Hart, are you
a serious candidate

or a straw man put up
by your son to advance

his personal agenda?
- Straw man?

I ain't no pussy.

I drink beverages
out of my hand.

- Enough with the politics
of personal destruction.

Let's bounce, Oscar.

[tires squeal]

[car crashes]

[engine sputtering]

- You gots to jiggle it,
Oscar.

You'll flood the engine.

[engine sputtering]

- Mrs. Hart, don't tell me
that man is related to you.

- Oh, shit!
- Only by alcohol.

? ?

- Okay, Dad, look,
your campaign launch

was more of a flop.

Don't worry.
It's okay.

It's nothing
that we can't overcome.

So now what I've been doing is

I've been running the numbers,
and here's what-

- Who's running numbers in my
town without giving me a cut?

I will fuck you up.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait.

Hold on now.
Back off, Chancey.

My boy is talking
about election numbers.

- Threat to fuck you up
withdrawn.

- Dad, that is it, okay.

That's the fire
that you need to get

our pro-swimming-pool
message out.

- Aw, face it, Kev.

I ain't got no fire
for politics.

It makes me sleepy.

Two balls in the side pocket.

[snores]

[crowd awwing]

[bell chimes]
- Okay, Dad, look.

Now, I wasn't going
to tell you this.

I'm just going to be
honest with you.

I think Mom got a thing
for Coleman Bridges.

I mean, she did invite him
to come over tomorrow night.

- At my house that I ain't
welcome at no more?

Over my dead, beautiful body.
- That's it, Dad.

Fight for your marriage.
Fight for your son.

Fight the power.
- I will.

- You know what
I'm going to do, Dad?

I'ma go write a speech
for that.

Where'd he go?

- Ooh, I will fuck him up.
- Uh-oh.

- Well, my brothers,
I think you'll find

my Correct the
Correctional System plan

is a step toward greater parity
in sentencing guidelines.

- But my question
was about starting

a prisoner-on-prisoner
speed dating program.

- Stay away from my woman.
- I am not your woman.

- Brother, I think
you have the wrong idea.

- So my woman
not good enough for you?

- Dad, don't do it.
- I don't care.

I am going to be heard.

Don't let this college phony
bamboozle you

with slick promises.

He just want one thing
from you.

- Yeah!

- He don't care
about your needs.

But I do.
- Tell him, Henry.

- Dad, Dad.
- Goddamn.

This Hart guy has fire
in his belly.

- That's because he probably
just drank lighter fluid.

- He's really connecting to
the voters on a personal level.

- Yeah, yeah, he's not
your average politician.

He actually cares.

- I will move heaven and earth
to make you have faith in me.

- That's what
I'm talking about.

- I will service you
passionately,

paying attention to
your underdeveloped zones.

- Whoo-hoo!
- We will come together.

And when the job is finished,
I promise you,

I will not just fall asleep.

- [grunts]

This guy's campaigning
our brains out.

Anybody got a cigarette?

[crowd chanting]
Henry! Henry! Henry!

- Okay, back to
the actual issues.

[crowd chanting]
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

[upbeat music]

? ?

- You got Mom's attention now.

Now, you just got to
keep it up, that's all.

- Yeah, buddy.
I'ma keep on keeping on.

- Great.

Well, now, just read
what I wrote for you,

and then you'll do great.

- My name is Henry Hart,
and I want

to restore our community pool

and serve you
with passion and diggity.

- And he's gonna win
this race one vote at a time.

- Though I'd be okay if you
vote for me all at once.

- ? Stand up ?

? And we can do whatever ?

? Whatever we want ?

? If we got love ?

? Ooh, keeping us strong ?

? Yeah, we got love ?

? We can never go wrong ?

? Don't you know
we gotta stand up ?

? We gotta get together
as one ?

? Don't you know
we gotta stand up ?

? We can do whatever ?

? Whatever we want, yeah ?

[crowd chanting]
Henry! Henry! Henry!

- I don't get this.

This man-of-the-people approach
is working for him.

We've been running the numbers,
and he's gaining on us.

- Who's been running numbers
on my turf?

I will kill you, motherfuckers.
- [screams]

- ? Don't it feel so good,
feel so good ?

? Don't it feel so good? ?

[laughter]

- Bougie motherfucker!

[laughter]

- Can I count on you
to support Coleman Bridges

at the debate tomorrow?

You voting for who?

Yes, he is my husband.

It's none of
your damn business.

- Dad, you got my vote.

- Kev, you're a smart boy.

Why are you wasting your time
on this ridiculous stunt

your no-good father is pulling?

- Yeah, well, I could ask you

why you support a phony
who only cares about

getting his face on TV.

But I won't.
- Yeah, I thought so.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh.

He's here.
Just a second.

Get rid of that poster
and get rid of you.

[knocking at door]

And answer the door
before you get out of here.

- [groans]

- Mr. Hart,
where'd your mom go?

- She's making herself pretty.
- No, I'm not.

- I'm glad I ran into you.

I want to say congratulations.

You've led an impressive
campaign for your father.

You remind me of a young me,
passionate and dedicated

to helping the people.
- Yeah.

So-so what happened to you?

- You're funny.

You've really been
taking me to task

with all that bougie stuff.

- Hey, look, as Malcolm X said,
politics isn't patty cake.

- No, it is not.

I came here tonight
to talk to you.

- Me?
- You got my attention.

I know all you care about
is that pool,

and I can get it for you
if you get your father

to drop out of the race.

- Okay, wait a minute.
Man, I can't do that.

I mean, my dad's
doing so well right now.

And he's happy.

I mean,
he stopped drinking mostly.

He's showering
on a semi-weekly basis.

And he's actively
considering wearing

drawers under his sweatpants.

- Let's get realistic.
Your father can't win.

But he can take
enough votes from me

so that the old white man wins.

Then the whole community loses.
- But-

- You know I'm right.

Get your father to drop out,
and the pool will go right

to the top of my agenda.

- Ready to discuss the issues.

[sultry music]

- Ooh, look at the time.
I'm so sorry.

I've got to get ready
for the debate tomorrow.

Good night.

- What did you say
to make him leave?

- I didn't say anything.

- Enough with them stupid,
cockblocking kids.

[door slams]

- So in conclusion,
conclusion to come.

Pretty good
closing statement, Dad.

- You damn right.

And once I think of something
for intro to come

and middle to come,
we gonna be all set.

[door clicks]

Hey, Kev, you ready to
watch your daddy shine?

- Okay, Dad,
let's sit down and talk.

- What's up?

- You know, these past
couple of weeks, Dad,

you made Mom
see you doing better.

I mean, you got Bridges
to understand

the importance of the pool.

And you've-you've run
a great campaign.

- Thanks, son.

No way you're gonna say
"but" after that set-up.

- But...
- Damn it.

- Dad, this is hard.

[patriotic fife music]

- And thus, with just
a few tiny changes

to the tax schedule,
we could find our way

to fiscal solvency, a'ight?

You know what I'm saying, my-

[groans]
I am not using that word.

- Impressive pandering,
Mr. Bridges.

Councilman McFitz Williams,
would you care to respond?

- Why do I have to be here?

Why can't I just get elected
unopposed like the last 26...

[snores]

- There's something about him
that says "trustworthy."

- Mr. Hart,
your opening statement.

- I have been advised
by my campaign chairman

that in the interest
of ensuring

a Black candidate can win

and in the interests
of ensuring

that my wife lets me
back in the house again,

I should drop out the race.

- Whew. Thank you, Lord.

- No!
- Don't do it!

[crowd shouting indistinctly]

- But you was gonna help me
get some pussy!

- I applaud Mr. Hart
for realizing

that the people
of this district

need a proven leader
and not an unwashed alcoholic

who doesn't regularly
wear underdrawers.

[crowd gasping]

- Oh, Lord.
It's out in the open.

- How dare you say
those truths about me?

Who told you that?
- I did.

But I didn't think
that he would say it

in front of the entire city.

- You betrayed a kid?

Well, then I'm officially
un-dropping out, back in.

[crowd cheering]

I don't think
you'll be any better for us

than that ghost over there.

- Who is he talking about?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

There's no need
to get personal, sir.

- You just a phony-ass brother

that only cares about
getting over on us.

You might as well be white.

[tense music]

- This phony ass about to beat
your ashy ass,

you raggedy old bastard.

[crowd chanting]
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!

- Dad!

[crowd chanting]
Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Wow.

Bridges is finally
showing some spirit.

- Man, this Coleman dude
is campaigning with his fists.

- Ooh.

- Oh, shit.

The white guy's dead.

- They gonna think
we killed him.

[crowd chanting]
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

[crowd shouting indistinctly]

- The votes are almost in

for the ninth district
council race.

- Hey, Henry, they got
your best booking photo.

Hey, where is he?
- He's not here.

And I haven't seen him
since the debate.

Not that I blame him.

- In a stunning but not
unexpected development,

the projected winner
is incumbent councilman

Liam McFitz Williams,
who passed away

last week at the age of 104.

Four?
Is that true, Larry?

How can-oh, wow.
Okay.

State law says
that the office goes to

the second-place candidate,
Coleman "The Fighter" Bridges.

- Yes, that's my councilman.

[patrons groaning]

- Ah, what the hell?
- These numbers don't add up.

- I'd like to thank everyone
for your support

and Councilman McFitz Williams

for so graciously
dropping dead.

I mean,
dropping out of the race.

My first and top priority
will be the pool...

- Well, there's no way
he's going to go back

on his word after that set-up.

- Of candidates
for the U.S. Senate.

- Damn it.

- I am running to represent you
in Washington.

- Man, this guy's phony
as a $3 bill.

- Goddamn, he is full of shit.

[somber music]

? ?

- Kevin, I'm sorry.

I should have listened to you
about that Bridges man.

Maybe he is just
a phony climber

who don't really care about us.

- That's okay, Mom.

I mean, that dude
is mighty slick.

I just feel bad
for what I did to Dad.

I sure do hope
he doesn't hate me.

- Hey, Kev!
- Hey, Dad.

Look, I just want to say
I'm sorry about everything.

It's 'cause of me
you got beat up

and everybody laughed at you
and you look like a chump.

- Oh, please, son.

That happens to me
every Thursday.

- Would you please
take this outside?

- This is all because
of that stupid pool.

I don't even care
about it anymore.

- Aw, come on now.
Don't say that.

Because that would mean
all of this

was done for nothing.

[harp strums]

- What?
How?

- Because your father
had been helping other people,

amen, when they heard
he needed help, amen,

they came running.
Amen.

- It's like if
"It's a Wonderful Life"

had any Black people in it.

- And that's all
because of you, Kev.

You inspired me
to inspire them.

[upbeat music]

? ?

All right, now.
Everybody in the pool.

[water splashes]
- Cannonball!

- I'm about to lose
my third-ginity.

- I'm about to get
the deep end.

- Kind of cold.
- It's bath time.

- Cannonball!

- Let a old man swim.
- Yeah.

All right.
- Black swan!

- Oh, my.
- Whoo!

- Aw, yeah.
- Oh!

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