All language subtitles for It s Always Sunny in Philadelphia - 9x08 - Flowers for Charlie.BluRay.en

So what if I didn't
go to college?

John McClane didn't
go to college.

He defeats the bad guys using street
smarts, and I got street smarts.

Mac, you do realize John McClane's
a fictional character who's voicing lines

written by screenwriters who
almost certainly went to college.

Yeah, but Bruce Willis dropped out of
college, and that supports Mac's argument.

- Yeah!
- Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.

And the fact that you can't
understand that leads me to believe

that you are complete
and total dum-dum,

and therefore are not going to get
selected for this intelligence experiment.

Welcome, everybody, and
thank you for volunteering

in this intelligence experiment.

I'm afraid, however, that we
can only use one test subject.

I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um,
I noticed you said "volunteering,"

which implies a lack
of compensation.

Volunteering's for suckers.

Yes, the selected subject will
receive $1,000 in compensation.

- There you go.
- That's what we're talking!

That's more like it. Okay, and listen,
when it comes to intelligence,

I think you'll find
that I am your man.

Or perhaps a man is not what
you're looking for at all.

I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses
book learning with brainpower.

But you and me, we
know different, huh?

Uh, "you and I."

What? No, not you and I.
Him and I, idiot.

In case I was being unclear, nerds,
I will bang one or both of you.

Dee, this man is smart enough
to know to avoid a proposition

like that from someone like you.

To be clear, we're not looking for a
subject with superior intelligence.

In fact, the complete opposite
would be, um, uh, preferable.

Excuse me for a minute.
I'm sorry, wait, wait!

That's a... sorry.
What are you doing?

I was gonna bash your rat and
take care of your rat problem.

Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please,
this is, this is our lab rat.

His name's Armitage Shanks.

If he solves the maze,
he gets the cheese.

And since we've been feeding Armitage
a cerebral enhancement formula,

he's been solving these
mazes seven times faster.

We'd like to try a formula
out on a human subject.

What would you think about
something like that?

A pill that could make
you seven times smarter.

Cheese, huh?

Yeah, all right.

Ow! Shit!

What's your name, young man?

It's Charlie. Hold up, dude, I
want to get this cheese here.

Aah! Shit!

Why don't you try the cheese
under the green light, Charlie?

I want this cheese.

Aah!

Ladies and gentlemen, we
have found our test subject.

Thank you all very
much for coming.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com.
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Aw, Frank, you're intruding
upon my education.

This is crazy, Charlie.

- That's crazy.
- Aw, shut up.

Whoa, what the hell is this?
What are you doing, man?

Well, I'm trying to learn Mandarin and
listen to Beethoven at the same time.

You see, I just realized
that I have two ears,

so it's a waste to only
listen to one thing.

Let me guess this straight. You just
realized that you have two ears?

Taking a pill is not gonna
make you smarter, Charlie.

I don't know about that, Frank.

I've listened to five books on
tape already this morning, five.

Charlie, come on, any idiot
can listen to books on tape.

You're only doing that because
you can't read, all right?

Trust me, if you're feeling any
smarter, it's just a classic case...

...of the placebo effect.

I considered that, but I don't
think that's it, Dennis.

Whatever, you don't even know
what the word placebo...

Placebo means from the Latin
"placebo," meaning "I shall please."

I listened to a chapter
on that this morning.

- This is...
- Such bullshit?

- I wasn't gonna say...
- Gonna say that?

Dude, just because you're finishing our
sentences, doesn't make you s-s-s...

Intelligent.

Oh!

Guys, guys, we've got a
huge problem back there.

Ugh, big rat, like the biggest
ever in the back office.

Uh, that sounds like
Charlie work, so, Charlie,

why don't you hop on that,
and be smart about it.

Good pleasantry, cute.
How about no?

- What do you mean "no"?
- How about you kill the rat?

You know what, that might occupy
you guys for about a week or so,

and that'll give me some time to
continue my education in peace.

- That be nice. Let's do that.
- What are you talking about?

A week? To kill a rat?

Wh-wh-what kind of a genius
rat are we talking about?

You have to be a real moron to
get outsmarted by a rat, dude.

Well, bonjours, killing
the the rat, my friends.

Oh, and then I
realized, Tang See,

that these so-called friends of mine
have been exploiting my labor for years.

An astute observation.

Conforms with Marxist theories about
the exploitation of the proletariat.

It completely conforms
when you think about it.

Ah, Tang See, these-these pills
are having quite an effect on me.

And the combination with my
readings is really leading me

into some rather large ideas.

I think I could be on the verge
of something groundbreaking.

Yes.

The work you're proposing
will revolutionize the field.

Exactly, right? Now, Tang See,
let's-let's talk for a second.

What do you think my IQ is now?

And be honest.

Well, what do you think it is?

175?

- Wow.
- You know. Probably, yeah.

Now, I'm thinking if I were to double
the dosage, I could break 200 easily.

You have to be careful, Charlie.
This is uncharted waters here.

Have you been having
any side effects?

Yes. Okay, yes. There's-there's
been a-a slight ringing in my ears.

My-my legs grow numb
from time to time.

I ache all over if I'm
being honest, but...

I got Mongolian barbecue and
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.

Frank, Frank, Frank,
Frank, I got to stop you.

Uh, tonight is really not the best
night for that, so I'm sorry, man.

But, Charlie, it's
Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.

- Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...
- What?

I'm-I'm on the verge of something
really groundbreaking here

and I-I really shouldn't be playing these
childish games anymore, nor should you.

We're the Gruesome Twosome.

You don't have to keep
saying that, I know...

- The sound effects won't help you.
- The Gruesome Twosome.

They don't further your
argument in any way.

You speak Mandarin?

Well, I do think I'm
getting it a little bit.

Hey, Mac, Mac,
I've located him--

- he's right near the hole.
- Oh, good, let me bash him!

No, no, no... Oh, goddamn it.
He scurried away.

All right, well, when he comes
back, I'm gonna smash him up good.

No, no, Mac, come on.
We're smarter than that.

That's just gonna spread rat blood
and disease all over the place.

It's not about brute force.

It's about seduction.

See, I'm gonna place some enticing
tunes for the little guy.

And then I'm gonna bait this
glue trap with some Brie cheese.

♪ And I want you here with me ♪

♪ From tonight until ♪
♪ The end of time ♪

♪ You should know... ♪

- Hey, you guys catch that rat yet?
- Any minute now, Dee.

I'm telling you, glue traps
are barbaric and messy.

I have come up with the
intelligent solution.

Ultrasonic rodent repellant.

It emits a high-pitched sound that
obliterates their teeny rat eardrums.

Stupid rats.

- Uh, those things don't work, Dee.
- Oh, no?

Okay, how about we
do a little wager.

The rat gets trapped to your
glue trap and you win.

The rat scurries away and
never comes back again,

then I am crowned the smartest in the...
Oh, God, gross. Is that cheese?

Get it off me!

Get it off, I'm st... I'm
stuck to your glue! You guys!

You've trapped yourself on a
trap that was designed for

a rodent with a brain
the size of a walnut.

Now a normal-size woman would probably
just be able to slide her hand right out,

but with those
giant man hands...

- Yeah, you really don't stand
a chance, Dee. - Okay, I get it.

Do you hear that?

I hear it-- oh,
God, it's coming!

It's coming to eat its cheese.
You guys, help!

Odd that it hasn't been repelled by
your supersonic rat scarer, Dee.

Guys! It's on me!
It's on my hand!

Oh, it's climbing up my
hand to eat the cheese.

Now, where this gets interesting is
when the rat finishes the cheese.

Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her
hand down to a tiny, bloody stump,

- then she could just slide it right out.
- Hey.

Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.

It ate its cheese
and then ran away.

It didn't get stuck to the glue.

Huh,

maybe this rat is a little bit smarter
than we gave it credit for, Mac.

Hmm.

He is whatever, I mean,
is he okay? Sure.

Is he fine?
He's fine.

All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking
is much more of a Lady Gaga than,

you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.

He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure
like the Kardashians, you know?

Hmm.

- God.
- Are you all right?

Yes, that's the shooting pain in the eye.
Jot that down, please.

Huh?

- Yes, I heard-heard the words.
- I'm learning Mandarin.

- It means "You got that right."
- Yes, Frank, I got what right, though?

The thing about the cripple.

What cripple? Why
are you speaking?

Stephen Hawking.

Dear God, we were talking about
that like ten minutes ago.

But I didn't know what I was
gonna say. I had to look it up.

You never know what you're gonna say,
and that's the problem, isn't it?

Say that again?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, you're going too fast, I can't...

- Go slower.
- Frank, I cannot go slower for you!

Checkmate, Tang See, wake up.
Open your eyes, listen.

I cannot go slower. Frank, I am
thinking on the physical level,

the metaphysical level,
the pataphysical level.

Every time you open your mouth,
you drag me down into the mud,

and-and really, my-my...

What?

You got a pain?
Charlie, I'm telling you.

Those pills are no good for you.
They're hurting you, those pills.

They're turning you into
someone you're not.

- Shut up!
- Okay, okay.

Don't get cute, Tang See, you're
not much smarter than he is.

Checkmate.

Well, you know, it-it, uh... hmm...

Try jerking it again.

Jerked it, I mean, I've
jerked it so many times.

I've jerked and
squirmed and squiggled.

This is crazy. I mean, we should
be able to figure this out.

Ooh, oh!

What about gasoline?

Pour a little bit of gasoline on
there, dissolve some of the glue.

You are a brilliant man, yes!
Try it.

Yeah, gasoline is a solvent.
That's basic chemistry.

- Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some.
- Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Ohweot
to be careful though because

gasoline is volatile and highly
combustible so let's use extreme caution.

Of course, only an idiot would
just use gasoline willy-nilly.

- It's gonna work.
- Okay.

And in the interest of
safety, I'm gonna go ahead

and just make sure
that this is, in fact,

gasoline because Charlie likes
to keep booze in here sometimes.

- That's true, he does do that.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, that's definitely...

Let me double check
because, you know,

you're sense of smell has
always been pretty stupid.

- You want to...?
- Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.

Oh, oh, Christ, that's good stuff...
that's high-test.

- Can I get a toot down here?
- Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.

Ooh, guys, yes.

Are you sure it's gasoline though?
I should just try it again.

Jesus, Jesus!
That's gasoline.

All right, let's blast off.
Engage thrusters, Captain.

Oh, all right, well, ground
control, I'll take some.

- Holy shit.
- As long as we're blasting.

You know what? Let's pop off
on this shit a little bit,

- then let's get back to business.
- Yeah, okay.

- This is making me feel...
- Oh, shit, there he goes.

Oh, he's a squirrely
little bastard, isn't he?

You son of a bitch.

- He's making I and you look dumb.
- Yeah... uh...

"I and you." No, me and
you, me, you, me, I.

It was you and I? You and I...

- Me and you look dumb.
- Dumb.

- It's got to be...
- Dumb is a funny word.

...me and... Dumb
is a funny word.

- Dumb.
- Dumb.

- Pass the gas.
- Dumb.

- Pass it, pass it.
- Pass the gas.

Oh, yeah, you're reading now?

- Since when do you read?
- Oh, hello, hello.

Uh, well, I was just glancing at War
and Peace, and let me tell you,

I side with Shakespeare
on brevity.

"Brevity is the soul of wit."
Which, uh...

Do I have to put on training wheels
for this conversation or is, uh...

What is this?
What are you doing?

I'm having dinner with you.

I see, you've lifted
the restraining order?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not lifting
the restraining order,

but Frank paid me $500 to be here,
and so I'm having dinner with you.

- Ah, I see.
- Do you? 'Cause I don't.

I didn't ask questions though.

Well, it's all rather
transparent really, isn't it?

Frank and I have always been
very close as you know,

uh, but I've turned a corner, if
you will, with my life recently.

I have new, more
substantial interests,

new friends, better suited
for those interests,

so understandably Frank is
feeling somewhat marginalized.

Now, he's gone out of his
way to enlist your aid, uh,

in hopes that my deep
infatuation with you will, uh,

perhaps pull me away from those people
and those pursuits that have, in turn,

been pulling me away
from Frank as of late.

- What now?
- Frank's using you to get to me.

How are you? Never mind.
Moving on. Beaujolais?

Why don't you have a
little bit, loosen up.

That'll get rid of
that uninviting edge.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

- Are you quite well these days?
- Well, uh, actually, I'm,

like, okay because my boss,
like, at the restaurant,

he, like, totally doesn't get me. I mean,
he thinks that being a waitress is,

like, what I am, and I'm like,

"That doesn't define me, dude, okay? Like,
I'm saving up to open my own nail salon."

And I have come up with all of these
great names for a nail salon.

Um, some of them are, like, The
Hand Whisperer or Finger Fantasy.

And I've been watching
Tabatha Takes Over a lot,

because it's a show that
takes place in salons.

Finger Fantasy.
Finger Fantasy.

I've been watching this show
called Tabatha Takes Over...

Tabatha Takes Over,
Tabatha Takes Over.

And I have been watching
Tabatha Takes Over a lot,

because it's a show
that takes place in...

Yeah, see? The
mouse always wins.

There's... there's, like,
no winning with mices.

- Cat keeps getting hurt.
- He gets hurt.

Well, it's dangerous, yeah.

What the hell are
you guys doing?

We're trying to watch
cat and mouse cartoons

to find out how kitty cats
deal with their rat issues.

If Charlie was still around,
none of this would be happening.

He's distracted with that damn
literature and science crap.

Charlie is our foundation.

Where does a foundation belong?

- Yes.
- On top.

- On the bottom.
- Oh.

- On the bottom.
- We gotta go grab Charlie and

drag him back down into the
sewer where he belongs.

- Oh...
- Well, well...

I can't, see... I've been
outsmart by a rat and right now

- I'm stuck on its glue trap.
- Did you try the gasoline, loosening it?

All over it. That didn't work,
but you know what does work?

Breathing it in.

Deandra, are you
holding onto the trap?

No.

Oh, I don't... I don't know.

Let go of the trap.

No...

- No.
- That's so stupid.

All right, come on.
We gotta go get Charlie.

- Uh, no, no.
- We'll do it.

- Let's do it tomorrow.
- We'll nap first.

- Could you turn the TV back on?
- Tomorrow's good.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you're about to see the results of a
bold experiment in human intelligence.

He's totally different.

Totally different person.

We'll bring our test
subject out now,

and I think you'll find him a rather
incredible specimen. Tang See.

Ah...

What is happening?

Thank you, Tang
See, my-my dear, dear friend.

A simple pill...

ingested by a man who
received a simple idea,

a simple thought so clear
and sharp that it cut

through his mind like a soft cheese
and led him to an invention.

- Is he doing an accent?
- Yeah.

Every now and then, there
are new modalities,

new ways of being and
understanding our world.

This invention-- my invention--
will change everything.

For the better, one hopes.

But the good of the scorpion is
not the good of the frog, yes?

You must excuse me.

I've grown quite weary.

- Come on. - Finally, my friends,
at long last the day has come.

We have the means, the
understanding, the technology...

to allow spiders
to talk with cats!

Our exploration into the effect of
environment upon intelligence was,

alas, a complete failure.

Self-confidence
instilled by a placebo

"intelligence pill" and
consistently reinforced

by my assistant Tang See did not, in
fact, make the test subject smarter.

It did, however, yield
fascinating results.

Uh, the most measurable effect
was a sharp uptick in arrogance.

The subject was perfectly ready to believe
he had learned Mandarin in two days.

Tang See!

Again, this is
complete gibberish.

The subject believed himself
to be a mathematical wizard.

...plus nine equals box.
All right?

That's where the cat goes.

And in the space of an hour,

the subject has
lost all interest

in a woman with whom he had
been in love for years,

because of a perceived
stupidity relative to himself.

Perhaps the most interesting
were the series of side effects

that he believed
himself to be having.

Uh, debilitating aches and pains.
It was all-all in his mind.

Huh.

Yeah, I guess I do feel
kind of better, so...

I believe I was having
the "plecebe" effect.

Placebo.

Pla-ce-bo.

Which is, of course, a...
a funny-sounding word.

- That is a funny word.
- Pretty funny, yeah.

"Placebo."
"Placebe."

Placido Domingo.

Police Academy.

- Which is a good movie, Frank.
- It is a good movie, Charlie.

You want to go back and watch
it?

With all my heart.

Please, can you not interrupt the lecture?
We're still, uh...

What is the point of this stupid,
dumb-ass experiment anyway?

Yeah, like, was he smart or not?
I don't even get it.

Uh, I don't think so.
Was I smart, sir?

No. Again, um... if you could let
us finish the lecture, and...

You stupid science bitches couldn't
even make my friends more smarter.

Hey, you're right! Stupid science bitch
couldn't even make I more smarter.

All right, let's get out of
here.

- Hey, Charlie!
- Police Academy.

- Police Academy is an awesome movie.
- Mahoney! Mahoney's my favorite character.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther