Original subtitles

- [? exciting music playing] - [all exclaim]

[Raj Dar] Hit me with a shrimp, my man.

[all cheering]

That's a hot shrimp.

[Mir Dar] We're having so much fun!

You're gonna be a deli mogul like your Baba, baby.

And you're gonna be Mrs. Deli Mogul.

I'm just glad that we could treat our ladies

the way they're supposed to be treated again.

- By buying them shit. Cheers! - Yes.

[Prairie] It's not about the money for me,

and that's what my aura photo says.

You see that? That's love.

You know what that is? It's a waste of $40 each.

But guess what? We got it like that.

Look at this gorgeous metaphysical stew.

[Prairie] Ooh, wait. Let me see. What's that?

Probably just like a deep booger.

- Ew. - Mm, no, babe.

You're holding onto something that causes you great stress.

Does that resonate as true for you?

Well, actually-

That's impossible because working at a deli

is the least stressful job you can have,

especially when you're crushing it like my big bro is. Right?

- Right, yeah. - Okay. But I think

- it's worth exploring that- - [Mir] No, it's actually not.

We should focus on pleasure and not business.

My man, shrimp me.

[chef yells]

- Oh! - [Bushra/Prairie exclaim]

That is a hot shrimp.

Oh, give me a shrimp kiss.

Mm. [laughs]

I got eyes on these fart knockers.

- [? tense music playing] - [Mir] All these spices! Like an umami!

Oh, my God, I love it.

This is the best day of my life!

[? funky upbeat music playing]

[gunshots]

[bullet shells clinking]

I can't keep living this lie.

You saw my aura photo.

Holding in all this morally dubious shit

is affecting my metaphysical health, man.

Raj, we're in a criminal business.

We have to learn how to compartmentalize.

That's why I have compartments.

[Raj] My heart keeps telling me I need

to examine this shit with my shaman.

But obviously that's not an option

because my shaman is my girlfriend.

- Oh, my God. - [doorbell rings]

Boys. [sighs]

Ali's out today. Colonoscopy.

Eats like an 8-year-old, that's what he gets.

So I need you to [clicks tongue]

make a drop in West Philly.

I'm sorry. A drop? As in of drugs?

[Lucky] Yeah. Sometimes you have to do the thing.

Business is expanding. We have to wear lots of different hats.

Hats. Hats made of lies.

What's wrong with him?

He got a black dot on his aura photo.

Right in my temple area.

[Mir] We all took them. It's actually pretty fun.

Mine was green for money, so I think that's-

Sorry I asked. Off you go.

Can't we get, like, a TaskRabbit to do it

or, like, Ahmed Uncle?

Did Ahmed Uncle get fired

after the whole Paki Blinders thing?

No, but I told him to stay the fuck home

until he grovels for my forgiveness.

He sent me an email, clearly written by AI.

That's actually kind of impressive.

I've seen him try to use a computer.

- It's not pretty. - Yeah, he's bad.

Chalo, chalo. We are so close to being

on the right side up with the Peruvians.

So I just want you to take 10 jars of achar to West Philly.

I can't. I have the wedding tasting with Bushra and her mom.

- Raj, you do it. - I can't go, okay?

I gotta go with him to protect him from Bushra's mom.

What is this? Number one kaamchor, number two ka-

What th-the fuck is going on here?

Seema's been bullying me ever since I lost

my money status and perfect credit score.

Can't blame her. So I had to take-

Wait. Can you come?

Come on. You're like the scariest person I know.

You hit us all the time. You yell at us.

It could be like a good match.

- It's true. - [Mir] You're angry.

You have a gun. You've killed people before.

Ca-can you come? Please?

First of all, thank you.

And then secondly, uh, Seema sounds like a nightmare.

I would love to go! [laughs]

Yes! It's gonna be like The Real Housewives of Karachi.

Raj, you are doing the drop.

- You okay? - [Lucky] Yeah.

He's in tip-top shape. Don't ask again.

[Mir] Thank you.

[? upbeat tabla music playing]

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[horn honks]

?

[? hip-hop music playing]

Sir, here she comes. This is my asset.

So, if you could please let me take the lead.

Oh, yeah, Mercer. You got it.

[Agent Frances Mercer] Okay.

Prairie, this is Director Simpson.

We've been assessing your performance as an informant,

and there's a strong chance that you are the worst mole

in the history of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Okay, well, your roots are showing.

- Whoa. [meows] - Don't do that.

What is this? Good cop, cat cop?

You can use that.

You're highly unreliable, but you are on the inside.

So we're gonna try a different tactic.

Is that a wire?

Not just a wire. The wire.

The Tag 5 Phantom has captured evidence

on some of the baddest.

I had some luck with it myself.

You know what? This is awesome.

I'm gonna wear this and show you that Raj isn't a criminal

and you're wasting your energy.

You have got to be the first mole

that's ever been excited to wear a wire.

Well, I was pretty stoked to wear it. [chuckles]

Does she know about my time undercover?

I'm not getting a sense that she does.

I don't.

It's pretty epic. Do you want the whole story?

Are you familiar with some of America's greatest heroes?

Thoughts on the actual menu before we go to food?

I always felt the font should be...

[both] Italicized.

[Bushra and Seema laugh]

[Bushra] We always do that. - [Seema] You do that all the time.

She says everything I say, my little baby.

We're kinda like that too, you know?

- [Mir squeals] - [Bushra/Seema laughing]

- Mini-me. - Mir, honey. What do you think?

Um. Hmm?

This particular italicized font

kind of makes the "I" in Mir look a little, um...

A little what, Mir?

I don't know the right word. I wanna say penis-y.

It looks penis-y?

Mom, does it look penis-y?

I don't want it to look penis-y.

Is that what your penis looks like?

But how about this other one, you know?

How about the other one?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[? hip-hop music playing]

[Raj sighs]

Thanks for taking me to West Philly.

Of course, baby.

Damn. We haven't ridden in Old Woody together in forever.

Right? [laughs]

Oh, man.

[sniffs]

[sighs] I miss this.

You wanna take a joint ride like we used to?

I don't wanna be stoned

until we have a chance to talk about something-

It's a Sunset Sherbert Donut with Skittles rosin.

Alright. Light 'er up.

It's really more of a tasting than a drinking.

Mm. Number four.

Partial to the Mir-garitas, what can I say?

Yeah, despite the name, they're lovely.

Ooh, that has a little too much jalape�o.

- Don't you think, Lucky Aunty? - Mm-mm.

Oh, Bushy, he's got the gastrointestinal lining

of a white boy.

- [Mir sighs] - Ammi...

Yes. Like any hardworking go-getter, Mir has acid reflux.

- [Mir] Thank you. - Yes.

It must be very hard counting coins at a cash register.

Ammi, Mir is working hard.

He's gonna be such a good provider.

Yeah, I'm working on it as we speak. Big deals.

We're gonna be so rich.

Mir, honey, try the Bush-tini. It has a hint of lavender.

It's better for your tummy.

- I have my own. - Then try mine.

- [? eerie music playing] - [Mir] Okay.

- [Bushra] Doesn't it smell good? - Mm. Tastes like you.

- [gasps] Mir! - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah? - [Bushra] My mom is...

Young love. I don't get it.

[Lucky] I don't get old love either, to be honest.

- [? eerie music continues] - [glasses clink]

- You okay, Mir? - Uh-huh. I'm so good.

Let's get another round of Mir-garitas.

We're having fun!

- [Bushra chuckles] - [Mir chuckles]

[softly] Oh, fuck.

[? "Try Harder" by Sunny Ali & The Kid playing]

[Raj] And basically the experiment proves

that everything is a hologram.

Like, all of existence is a projection.

[Prairie] Okay. So if we look at something, it exists.

And as soon as you look away,

poof, it stops existing.

Then we better not stop looking at each other.

[Raj and Prairie laugh]

- [phone chimes] - [Raj] Why'd you stop looking?

[Prairie] I'm sorry. It only happened for two seconds.

[Raj] But I didn't exist for two seconds.

[Prairie] Okay, I'll never do it again.

- [Raj] Don't stop looking at me. - [Prairie] Never.

Now, this is not the most popular cake,

but it is our most affordable.

Oh, Mir. Try this one.

- Hello? - Ladies, um, I have to go.

Uh, the Mir-garitas are catching up to me.

I'm gonna hit the little boys' room. [laughs]

This cake tastes like a urine-soaked sponge.

What do you think, Lucky?

This is so gross. You're so right. I like you.

[laughs] Birds of a feather.

[Raj and Prairie groan]

[Raj sighs]

- Hey. - What's up?

Can I talk to you about something serious for a second?

[Prairie] [through headphones] Anything, as always.

So, uh...

I'm engaged.

- What? - [Raj] Yeah.

This place that we're rolling up to, uh,

Mir got me engaged to their daughter

as some sort of business deal.

[Mir] Nandika, how would you like to marry my brother?

- What... is happening here? - Yes. Yes, absolutely.

Dad, tell Mom to say yes.

- [both] Oh! - [both chuckle]

Oh, my God. [laughs]

- I know, right? - [Prairie] Okay.

This all makes sense now.

That's what the black spot on your aura photo was.

- Yeah. You okay with that? - [Prairie giggles]

Uh, yeah.

Our bond transcends patriarchal conventions.

[car door shuts]

Aw, you want me to meet her, don't you?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

It's crazy how we don't even need to use words sometimes.

- You just... - It's a little nuts.

...kind of get what I'm saying.

- [Prairie] I do. - [Raj] Right?

- It's sick. - [Patika] It's very sick.

I feel like it's giving Howl's Moving Castle.

- Howls? - Howl's.

- House? - Howl's.

Howl's?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- [alarm chimes] - Ah! There he is.

Handsome devil. Look who's here, sweetie. [chuckles]

[Raj speaks Japanese]

Hm. [Nandika speaks Japanese]

Did you understand what she said?

I don't know what you said.

[scoffs] Weaboo.

[chuckles] Who's she?

Uh, this is Prairie. She's, um...

- I'm his shaman. - Yeah.

- She's my shaman. - Uh, what's that mean?

Um, I help him with his spiritual journey.

[Raj] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I make sure his chi is clean,

his chakras are balanced with love and light.

That's who I am.

[Raj] But anyways, I'm here because

I brought the 10 jars of achar that you ordered.

Ooh. Of course.

Uh, but I only wanted nine. Wh-where's Ali?

- Colonoscopy. - Ah.

- Early detection is very important. - [Raj] Mm-hmm.

You know, I once had an odd sensation in my anus.

[Raj] Oh, would love to hear about that.

[Patika] But first, let me show you

around the new restaurant.

- So you're a shaman? - Guilty.

- Come here, girl. - Oh, oh.

[Prairie] Mm, yes.

Okay. [chuckles]

Um, please never do that again.

- [Prairie chuckles] - [Nandika] Right.

Um, so you probably know, like,

everything about him then, right?

I do. Inside and out.

Okay. Tell me, has he had any DUIs?

- A couple. - Has he ever been weird to pets?

- No. - Any cancer screenings?

We'll get on that.

- Pap smears? - Just me.

- Strange hair. - Just on the right side.

- Had any girlfriends? - Tons.

I'll get over it. Is he into domination?

- Mm-hmm. - Is he into being dominated?

Mm.

I can work with that.

Real talk, then. You can be honest.

Like, what am I getting myself into?

He's not some total weirdo, is he?

You don't have anything to worry about.

To be honest, Raj is the kindest soul,

the most pure of heart.

- Cool. - He's a good guy.

Alright. You ready to dip?

- Um, yeah, let's go. - Cool.

- [notification chimes] - [Nandika speaks Japanese]

[Raj] Huh?

[Nandika] Um, I'll see you later. [chuckles]

- Yeah. Bye... bye-bye, ma. - I'll miss you.

Um, I'll see you.

I'll miss you too.

- Oh, I will miss- - Not you.

- Oh. - Oh. That's okay.

[chuckles] He's, like, so obsessed with me. It's so dumb.

[laughs]

- [Mir sighs] - [urine trickling]

[? ominous music playing]

[Benny Bean Sprout] Ugh! What the fuck?

[yells]

[Benny thuds]

What the fuck? [panting]

Since we're being so open,

is there anything else you wanna tell me?

[sighs] Yeah. There is.

[Prairie] Okay.

I, uh, I haven't been completely honest with you.

And it's only because I didn't want

to contaminate your aura with my shit.

Your shit is my shit.

I don't think I can say it out loud.

Alright. Then show me.

[? pensive music playing]

What is happening?

[package squelches]

Oh, fuck!

She is trying to break me.

Patience, Mercer.

[in French accent] Patience.

Thanks for being honest with me, Raj.

I'm sorry that you've been going through all of this

without your shaman.

[notification chimes]

- [phone rings] - [Raj] Oh, I have to take this.

Yo, Ali, what up?

[Ali] [on phone] You need to drop five of the achar containers

to one of our guys.

Last-minute re-up. Shit's selling quick.

[Raj] Got it.

Ali texted me.

- Here's the other four you need. - [notification chimes]

- [car door closes] - Alright, we're good.

- I'll load it up. - [Ali] Contact's name is Basim.

And a word of advice. Don't eat mirchi foods after 30.

Uh, o-okay. Uh, thank you. Bye.

Um, do you have to do this?

Yeah, I do. Yeah. Uh, where is this place?

- "Two-five- - Wait!

[Raj moans]

[kissing sounds]

Goddamn. Alright.

We gotta do this shit quick

'cause, uh, we gotta get home ASAP.

- You know what I'm saying? [laughs] - [Prairie laughs]

[voice assistant] Now routing to 2501

Courtland Street, Philadelphia.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[? tense music playing]

- Let's go. - [engine starts]

Told you.

I'm gonna need you to say I called it.

You called it.

Great. Now we can go.

Be honest. Are these three days old or six days old?

- [Lucky chuckles] - My brother has a floral company

that has the freshest flowers.

We have other options. Come with me.

[Lucky humming]

Hey, someone in the bathroom just tried to kill me.

What? Who was it?

He came from over- Oh.

- It was that guy. - [? ominous music playing]

Okay, so what's the plan? What the...?

[panting] She's drunk.

[train horn blows]

[brakes squeaking]

Thanks for listening to me, Prairie.

I've been carrying that shit for a while.

[notification chimes]

[notification chimes]

What's wrong?

Um, can we just go back to the apartment now?

Nah.

I, uh, I have to do this.

- [car door opens] - It'll just be a second.

[Prairie] Okay. I'll pull the car around and meet you up front.

[car door closes]

[? pensive music playing]

Make one wrong move and I shoot.

- [slams into door] - [Benny grunts]

[Lucky] Get the fuck in. Fuck you!

Oh, fuck.

[Lucky] Fucker.

Benny, wow. The Pho Brothers would really go this far

just because we got West Philly?

West Philly's yours.

- Really? - [Raj laughs]

Oh, my God. Thank you so much, sir.

- Thank you so much. - [Raj] Oh, hell yeah!

You know Chickie's gonna have your fucking head for this.

Not if he doesn't find out.

[both grunting]

? You don't have to find ?

[? "I'm Your Part Time Love" by Mitty Collier playing]

? No, you don't have to find no part time love ?

[Lucky and Benny yelling]

[Lucky] Nice baby knife.

[Benny yelling]

? You don't have to find ?

[Benny yells, grunts]

[Lucky grunts]

- [bones crack] - [Benny yells]

? You don't have to find no part time love ?

- [Lucky grunts] - [Benny yelps, groans]

? And I'll tell you what, baby ?

[gun cocks]

Go ahead. Make your last wish before I send you back to the essences.

Go to hell, Lucky. [panting]

Like it or not,

we're gonna make an example of those idiot Dar boys.

Dar boys?

Raj. Fuck.

Are you okay?

[? suspenseful music playing]

I'm so sorry for what's about to happen.

Wait.

- [muffled groaning] - Did you hear that?

[? suspenseful music continues]

[groaning continues]

[Basim speaking muffled]

Basim? What the fuck, man? What happened?

[Basim mumbling]

What? You know what? Hold on.

Let me take this off, and we can have this conversa-

- [fist thuds] - Ah, fuck.

- [laughter] - What the actual fuck?

- Big Pho? - Surprise, pickle boy.

- What the fuck are you doing here? - [snaps fingers]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Guys, guys, let's talk about this.

Murderwalla?

- [Murderwalla] [on phone] Mm-hmm? - Rush job.

I'm gonna text you the address.

[Mir] We should get outta here. Yeah.

- [wedding planner] Of course. - [Mir] Mm-hmm.

We should really get outta here

and get into a car as fast as possible.

Are you okay? You're acting like someone is following you.

Yeah. [panting]

No. I thought I could keep things separate, Bushra,

but I can't. Okay?

I really have to come clean to you.

After Baba died, I really got deep into some shit.

- [fighting, grunting] - [phone ringing]

- [kicks thudding] - [Raj grunting]

Come on, Raj. Pick up.

[line rings]

[sighs] Pick up. Pick up.

I know how the sausage gets made, and I think I'm gonna freak out because

people of different ethnicities are coming to get me.

Okay. Calm down. Mir!

Do you think I'm an idiot?

No.

I don't know exactly what you're doing,

but I do know that I don't wanna know.

You-you do, but you, you don't? What?

Your dad was obviously a criminal.

His company got raided by the FBI.

Do you think I honestly believe you're working at a deli?

That Raj is working at all?

He can't even work the register.

[all grunting]

- [Raj grunts] - Raj!

We all do what we have to do to get what we want.

Yeah.

- We want a certain lifestyle. - [Mir] Yeah.

So I support anything you do that guarantees it.

Just keep it out of my sight and out of my life.

I don't need to know how the sausage is made. Okay?

Okay.

Oh, my God, I love you so much. You're so badass.

- I know. You're so lucky. - [both chuckle]

- It's gonna be a beautiful wedding. - [Bushra] I know, Ammi.

All of your decisions were so good,

and you should just forget about all of mine.

And I love this. And I think you guys should get outta here.

So I think you should bring it in.

- Give him a hug, Ammi. - Just...

- Okay, we're so close. - Yeah, okay.

Okay. You guys should just get outta here.

- Okay, I'll see you later. - Lock your doors. Love you guys. Bye.

[all yelling]

[wood clatters]

- [Pho Bro] Hold him! - [all yelling]

Let's go. He's taken care of.

Like, as in dead?

Like, very. The Pho Brothers are trying

to kill you and Raj for taking West Philly.

Wait, where is Raj? Is he okay?

[Raj grunts]

- [kick thuds] - [Raj grunts]

- [Prairie yells] - [punch thuds]

- [Pho Bro yells] - [Prairie grunts]

- [bones crack] - [punch thuds]

- [? intense music playing] - [all grunting]

[Prairie yelps]

- [items clatter] - [Prairie screams]

[Prairie panting]

Shit. She's wearing a wire! Grab the stuff and go!

[Pho Brothers clamoring]

- Prairie, what the fuck? - Raj, I can explain.

[? tense music playing]

You're a rat?

I had a gun to my head.

Well, not a literal gun,

but I had no choice.

I thought you were innocent,

but after everything that happened today,

I couldn't go through with it.

And I tried to stop you from coming here.

You knew about this?

[Prairie] No, Raj. Listen, there's no time.

The FBI's gonna be here at any second.

FBI? What?

We have to get the fuck outta here.

Wait. Is...

- Is this a trick? - What? No.

- Prairie, how-How can I trust you? - [Prairie] No! But...

[tires screeching]

- [Prairie gasps] - [Raj gasps]

- FBI! - FBI!

- FBI! - FBI!

[? upbeat hip-hop music playing]

?

[? music ends]

[? fanfare playing]

[? fanfare plays]

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