Original subtitles

- [items clattering] - [boys grunting]

[Mir Dar] Stop pushing me!

[Raj Dar] Mir, you're stepping on my foot.

Where are we? I can't see anything.

[both sigh]

[Mir] What the hell is this place?

- Like a light or something? - [Raj] Oh, I got something.

I got something.

Okay. What?

[? dramatic sting]

[Raj] Okay, screw this. We gotta get outta here.

- [Mir] Hey, someone! - [Raj] Hello, anybody out there?

- Oh, my God. - Shut up! Shut up!

- Shut up. - You kidnapped us?

You guys are gonna kill us?

It's not off the table.

- [Lucky] Sit down. - [door slams]

Watch the video.

[? peppy music playing on video]

Thank you, sir.

Oh, hi. Didn't see you there.

You must be the proud new owner of an ABC Deli.

Time to learn how you'll make real money.

- With cocaine! - [bell dings]

[? funky upbeat theme playing]

[gunshots]

[bullet shells clinking]

[Baba Dar] [on TV] Our cocaine comes from my pals

in the Saltado Cartel in beautiful Peru.

They are extremely efficient about sending shipments,

picking up payments, and disemboweling people who are late.

So set up your calendar alerts!

It arrives to the Port of Philadelphia,

where our head of transportation, Hamza,

that's Hamza, picks it up and brings it in for processing.

- I took that picture. - [Raj] Hmm.

We went for smoothies at our favorite place right after.

- [horn honks, tires screeching] - [Hamza grunts]

- [body thuds] - Oh.

I hope he turns up.

Starting soon, we're getting an upgrade.

The product is submerged in achar.

The most pungent substance on earth.

Wow. Pungent.

So just set aside a few marked containers

from each shipment, and a reliable courier will claim them.

[Mir/Raj] Hmm.

[Baba] And just like that, you'll join ABC Deli franchisees

across the Delaware Valley in prosperity.

Just keep your goddamn mouth shut.

- [? patriotic music playing] - [bell dings]

And that is how your father's business works.

I mean, Baba was a menace with iMovie.

[sighs]

Make it quick, Mercer.

I'm on CNN in 20 minutes to downplay the spike in gun deaths.

What's the headline?

DarCo's ABC Deli chain is a covert distribution network

for imported international cocaine.

- I'm leaning in. - In my investigation

of DarCo CEO Arshad "Baba" Dar, I pieced together a timeline.

In the '90s, he made several trips to Peru, Bolivia, and Chile.

Really? Talk faster.

The ABC Deli was the distribution network for the cocaine,

but since we busted them, they have no way to move the coke.

My hunch is that they are in disarray

looking for new distribution.

That's our chance.

We're gonna nail these fuckers.

You gotta slow play this.

This could be my second book.

Did I tell you, I got a two-book deal?

January 6th was bad for democracy but very good for me.

We won't strike until you have something solid.

You gotta get on the inside, like I did with the Lads.

I was best man at one of their weddings.

I fucked a bridesmaid.

- [scoffs] - Dated her for three months.

Chelsea.

Alright.

You, you got everything, right?

I think I might- yeah- Most of it.

- We got some of it. - [Mir] Mm.

Why, why? You guys gonna quiz us?

Also, where the hell are we?

You're at a secret location.

This is the temporary meeting place for the Dark DarCo board.

Excuse me, did you say Dark DarCo?

[Ahmad] The dark side of the business.

The only thing that actually makes us money.

The board just couldn't decide on a leader,

so we had the idea to nominate both of you.

Uh, okay, well, what would we have to do?

This. This. This.

Everything that your father did.

It is run the business. It is call the shots.

It's move the coke, with our help, of course.

Look, Dark DarCo runs like every other business, right?

Without a clear leader, it's just going to descend into civil war,

and whoever's left alive is just going to get killed by the cartel.

[Ahmad] And believe me, they will reserve

an especially brutal death for its leader's two sons.

Please, can we just take a moment to breathe?

Can I have a couple days just to mull this over

- and then get back to you? - No.

You, you don't get it.

You were born into this shit.

And you lived your lives like spoiled brats,

but your Baba's not here to protect you anymore.

[Lucky] But don't worry, pyare.

We're gonna be handling everything from behind the scenes.

Just think of Ahmad and I as your trusted consiglieres.

Oh, Christ, Robert Duvall in The Godfather.

- Oh, not Fredo. - Not Fredo.

- Fuck! - [Raj] Ha!

[Ahmad] Now what we have to do is convince

those bloodthirsty animals out there

that you two idiots aren't two idiots.

Go, go, go, go, go.

[? tense music playing]

They look okay, I guess.

I don't know. The tall one has kind of a dumb face.

The little one always had an annoying voice, I remember.

- Hi, guys. - Yes, that's it... [in foreign language]

Gentlemen, I present to you Raj and Mir Dar,

sons of Baba Dar.

Go on, sit.

- Okay. - Uh, I just wanna introduce you

to our esteemed board of Maaliks.

That is Feraz Khan, Maalik of Compliance.

He blackmails the variance officials that gatekeep our business.

In Pakistan, I was Minister of Energy.

- Okay. - Cool.

[Lucky] Ali Sahir, Maalik of Distro.

He interfaces with all our brick and mortar fronts.

He once murdered a guy's face with a brick on Front Street.

Please, can you use a coaster on this table?

It's an antique.

Dawar Omar, Maalik of Sanitation.

He launders all our money.

You also own a laundromat-themed bar, right?

We have standup shows on Thursdays.

- Awesome. - [Lucky] Very nice, very nice.

And that is Hassan Ali.

He is the Maalik of Communication.

He ensures the public perceive all our sham businesses as legitimate.

Got his start as a model.

I'm very skeptical that either one of you will survive this.

- Okay. - [Raj clears throat]

And that seat should be occupied by one named Hamza,

who is the Maalik of Import and Transportation.

And no one knows where he is.

[all muttering]

Yeah, we're all very concerned, so...

And I, of course, am Chief Financial Maalik

and Lucky is Chief Operating Maalik,

otherwise known as Baba's Right-Hand Man

or, uh, Left-Hand Kiss Ass. [chuckling]

Six of one.

Esteemed colleagues, we nominate Raj and Mir Dar

to be the new co-heads of our business.

Are you boys man enough to take your father's place?

- [Mir stammers] - [Lucky] Well, there's two of them.

So even if they're half the man Baba was,

that's still enough.

Yeah, barely.

We're not looking for half a man.

Oh, uh, hello, everyone.

I'm Mir Dar. A little about me.

I am a detail-oriented leader with extensive knowledge

of global economics, domestic interest rates,

and team-building exercises.

- Some of my special interests are- - Okay, very good.

- Raj. - Oh, me?

- Yeah. - Uh, hey, I'm Raj.

Uh, I'm, uh, basically a clone of Baba.

Uh, I-I love capitalism.

Uh, greed is good. It's my thing, you know?

Shabash, shabash, sit.

- I did good? - Very good.

- Yeah, okay. - How do we know they won't fuck up

and land us all in jail?

I promise you that they can do it.

I personally guarantee it.

[Maaliks whispering]

Okay, these two... [in foreign language] can be Co-Chief Saab,

but only for a probationary period.

If we're not satisfied by the end of it,

we harvest their organs, cover our losses.

Yeah, that's cool. Works for me.

- What? - What?

All in favor of Raj and Mir Dar

as interim CEOs, say hanjee.

[Maaliks] Hanjee.

I now pronounce you Co-Chief Saabs.

[all applauding]

- [Raj] Thank you. - Mubarak, motherfuckers.

[Dawar Omar] Let's go, bitches.

[? upbeat music playing]

[Raj/Mir laughing]

My humblest of greetings

- to the new Chief Saabs. - Hey!

- Hey, man! - Thank you.

Your chai.

- Just go home. - I can stay.

Do whatever you need. Sleep here if you want.

Just go home, Matthew.

- Let's talk upstairs. - No.

- [lamp shatters] - [all grunting]

[screaming]

Basement. Bottle of scotch I need to hit.

Make you a stiff one?

[Raj sighs]

Yeah. [snaps fingers] I could use one of those.

Yeah, be my guest. Get it yourself.

Okay, first order of business,

find a new way to distribute Caca Brand Achar.

And fatafat.

Okay, but who wants smelly-ass achar?

You can't just sell it at a regular grocery store.

- Can't we just sell it out of here? - We can't sell it out of here.

We process the drugs out of the basement.

I don't want corner boys going in and out.

You know, we're so desperate, we might have to risk it.

Absolutely not, too dangerous.

Okay, then let's run up a list of gas stations

and grocery stores in South Philly run by Pakistanis.

Wait, why don't we do it through an Indian restaurant?

I mean, they go through so much achar, it wouldn't be suspicious.

And most of them are takeout only,

so there's never any customers anyway.

Yeah, like that one place, uh, uh, Pakora Palace

- on Fontaine Street. - On Fontaine Street, yeah.

A small local chain.

Obviously not as big as ABC Deli

but we can start small.

I say we do an Indian restaurant.

- [spits] - Ugh!

- We don't work with Indians. - [Lucky groans]

They'll rob us blind like they did during Partition.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

- Holy shit. - Ahmad Uncle.

Racist, old-world thinking, man.

This is America, leave that shit outta here.

Yeah, grow up, man.

Okay, don't hate on my idea or Indians.

Why don't you tell that to your great-grandmother?

Oh, wait, you can't, because the Indians killed her.

Joke's on you, man.

Dadi died in America from nursing home neglect.

Yeah, never thought we would go down this route...

but now may not be a bad time for this.

You know what? I vote for Mir's idea.

And I gotta say, I also vote for Mir's idea.

And need I remind you all, I have a business degree from Drexel-

Chup. I-I really can't hear about how smart you are again.

Okay, let's give this idea a shot.

[Ahmad] A waste of fucking time.

[footsteps clomping]

Mir's gonna come with us.

I need you to stay here and get rid of the body

while Ahmad is out of the deli.

Quick question.

Uh, why did you kill that guy?

He and Ahmad were attempting a coup

and if they had won, they would've eliminated

both of you immediately.

- I shouldn't have asked. - Don't worry.

I already called the Murderwalla to handle the body.

- [footsteps clomping] - Murderwalla?

[quiet traffic noise]

[? soft sitar music plays in restaurant]

[Ahmad sniffs]

Stinks in here.

[Lucky] Shut up. It smells exactly like your kitchen, Ahmad.

Laddoos look decent.

Hello?

Excuse me, hello.

- [Ahmad clears throat] - Excuse me.

Hi- Excuse me.

Hi, are you open?

Mom, Dad, we have customers or whatever.

[Latika] We have customers. Ring them up.

Nandika, you can do your Pok�mon dress-up at home.

It's Princess Mononoke.

- Uh, sorry to interrupt. I- - Ugh. God, I hate this place.

We all do.

Let me handle this, bevakoof.

- Hello. - Namaste, ji.

Namaste, ji.

Would you like to try something from our mithai case?

No, we're not here to eat.

We are the proprietors of Caca Brand Achar.

- And- - Do you mind, please?

[whispering] Maybe let me take the lead on this one.

Yep.

[normal] Good afternoon.

My name is Mir Dar, and we are a family-run business

just like yourself.

We make the best achar in all of America.

Yeah, go ahead, give it a taste.

Listen, if your kid doesn't get bullied by the white children in their class

when they pull that out of their lunch box,

- it's not Caca Brand Achar. - [Lucky chuckles]

And the best part, it's only $100 per pallet.

That's less than half of what we currently pay.

- What's the catch? - No catch.

No catch. There will be 30 marked jars for our VIP customers.

You just need to set those aside every Friday.

Yeah, not even a big deal.

Do you think we're stupid?

- No. - Yeah.

This is clearly illegal.

If you want us to move your smack-

- It's blow, not smack. - I knew it.

We want 50% of your drug money.

Fifty! We can't do more than 10.

[scoffs] We're not going to risk jail for 10%.

We need to secure our future for ourselves and our daughter.

We're clearly going to be providing for her for the rest of her life.

Comic-Con influencers make millions.

[sighs] See what I'm dealing with? She has no future.

- We want 50. - Okay, we can talk about this.

- We can- - You see, Mir?

You can't deal with Indians.

When you shake their hand, they rob you with the other seven.

- Oh, my God. - [Dadaji] What?

You Pakistani pieces of shit.

I'll send you to your 72 virgins!

- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Whoa!

Everyone stop using numbers to be racist!

Dadaji, quit it with the Islamophobia.

- Go into the kitchen. - [grunts]

- Now. - [Ahmad] Oh, fuck this.

I'll go back to the deli. I gave peace a fucking chance.

- That... - I am so sorry.

- That is not who we are. - Mm-mm.

[doorbell chimes]

[door opens]

[? mysterious music playing]

Raj Dar?

Yeah?

Lucky called me.

- Oh, Murderwalla. - Hmm.

Huh. Not what I was expecting for a professional corpse disposer.

Well, if I was, I wouldn't be very good at my job, would I?

Good point.

Where's the body?

Body's upstairs.

Uh, I'm gonna be doing some dabs,

watching Dragon Ball Z, hopefully I fall asleep.

Nope.

You're going to help me.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I-I don't know if you're aware or not,

but I've recently been named Co-Chief Saab with my brother, so-

Perfect. Then you won't have any trouble handling this company business.

Put that on.

What the hell?

We are going to work in the basement.

[? doo-wop R&B music playing]

Paddington vibes?

Aw, man.

- [cleaver thudding] - [Raj grunting]

Ugh!

Oh, God, that smells fucking awful.

That's why I always wear Drakkar Noir.

Nothing covers the stench of rotting flesh

like Drakkar Noir.

No, I'd rather smell the body, man.

[Murderwalla sighs]

Okay, can I go?

You know, you are nothing like your Baba.

Yeah. Hard worker.

Not afraid to get his hands dirty.

He would never rely on a guy like you.

One time, I became disillusioned with my career.

I was like, "This job is fucking gross, man."

But your Baba told me to take pride in hard work.

Mir is the hard worker of the family.

I'm more of the vibes guy.

Accha.

And what does the vibes guy do?

I'm kind of like a Rick Rubin.

Where I don't actually produce anything

but having me around is a vibe,

and it just makes shit better.

So, nothing?

You let your brother do all the hard work,

your family's in crisis.

[clicks tongue] Shame on you.

- [plastic rustling] - [doorbell chimes]

- [knocking on door] - Get rid of whoever that is.

Oh, and then hurry back and we'll do the best part,

the thorax.

Can't wait.

- [knocking on door continues] - Ugh, disgusting.

- Prairie, wh-what are you doing- - Hi, baby.

Oh. Oh, my God, the ayahuasca ceremony.

I completely forgot.

I'm trying to make us some money, baby.

You said you'd pick up the extra puke buckets.

I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta bail.

I have to work.

I've never heard you say the word "work" before.

I feel dizzy.

[phone chimes]

Uh...

[quietly] Fuck me.

[spray hisses]

[texts blooping]

I gotta go.

Ahmad Uncle's on his way.

I must abscond.

- What about this? - I've done all that I can for you.

If Ahmad sees me, the secret's out.

Everyone knows the Murderwalla.

Say hi to Lucky for me.

[doorbell chimes]

- [Ahmad] Hello? - Uh, Ahmad Uncle.

Uh, just a sec. I, uh...

[Ahmad] What are you doing down there?

Uh, I just came down to, uh, masturbate.

[Ahmad] Oh, um, attaboy.

- 11%. - 50.

- 12.5. - 50.

She's stuck at 50. This is not going anywhere.

- Get out of my store. - Okay, okay, okay.

What about 20%? That's more than we even make, lady.

I said get out, bhenchod!

You fucking stop this negotiating bullshit!

- How about this for a counter? - [gun clicks]

Do as I say or I paint the wall with your husband's brains.

Oh, you wanna kill me?

You think I'm afraid of death?

My wife is a shrew, my restaurants are in debt,

and my daughter thinks she's a cartoon.

I'm already dead.

Do it. Do it! [panting]

Ahmad Uncle.

- Hey. - Hey.

[sniffing] Is that, uh, is that Drakkar Noir?

Uh, yep, I love it.

It's making a comeback with all the '90s shit.

Like nipple rings.

- Yeah. Yeah. - [doorbell chimes]

How'd it go at the restaurant?

- [doorbell jingles] - Lucky Auntie.

What are you doing here? Where's Mir?

Taking this Chief Saab thing so seriously.

We need to find a new distributor fast.

We've already wasted precious time with those fucking lunatics.

- I told you... so. Fuck. - You told me so.

- [Lucky] Goddammit. - I need to go there.

I'm gonna help him.

Raj, I am not totally sure how you can help him.

We're in crisis, Lucky Auntie.

I'm a Co-Chief Saab and a co-brother.

I told you we should've killed them, right?

And I got down on my knees and I begged my mummy

to let me come to America.

And she slapped my face.

And I went anyway, and she died two weeks later.

What is the point of that story?

Listen, man, just accept our terms.

- Talk to your wife, please. - [door opens]

What up, people?

Hey, what are you doing? I'm in the middle of a deal right now.

- I'm here to help. - Whoa, who is that?

Hey, I'm Raj Dar, Mir's older brother.

Nice Mononoke, by the way.

Uh, oh, um, thank you. [giggles]

My parents think it's Pok�mon. LOL.

Raj, we were just telling your short brother

that we can't settle for less than 50%.

We need to provide a future for our daughter.

If we go any higher, we're gonna be losing money.

Well, let's talk.

- I- - [Raj] What can I do to make this work?

- Nandika? - Huh?

Do you find my brother attractive?

- He's a Philly 10. - Oh, stop it.

The Dars believe in family.

And if we're making a business arrangement,

maybe we can make a family arrangement as well.

Nandika, how would you like to marry my brother?

What... is happening here?

[Mir] My brother will marry your daughter.

She'll have a financially secure future,

and we could be one big happy family.

- What do you say? - Yes, yes, absolutely.

Dad, tell Mom to say yes.

- Mir, can I talk to you for a second? - Mm-hmm.

Right over here, come here.

[whispering] What the fuck?

Mir, yeah, I wanna help, okay?

But even Baba wouldn't arrange marriage me off like that.

Okay, please, just do this for me, man.

It's the only way we can get the deal done and not die.

Rawr.

Fine.

I'm gonna get you back.

- Nandika! - [chuckles]

Of course, I would love to marry you.

Maybe after, like, a ten-year-long engagement.

- Okay. [giggles] - [Dadaji] What?

My granddaughter marrying a Muslim!

- Who's that guy? - I won't allow it!

But I love him! Mom! Mom, please.

We will not let this old-world thinking stand in our way.

You have my blessing.

- Yes! - Six-month engagement.

- Six years. - Three years.

- Five. - Three.

Four with a massive wedding

with horses, a mithai tower, and the works.

- Done! - Yes.

- [hands slap] - [Mir] Thank you so much.

- You won't be disappointed. - Oh! [chuckles]

Nice to meet you.

[whispering] I'm into some really freaky shit.

- Oh. - I'm into some really freaky

off-the-grid shit.

Alright, loves, I do have another session coming in 15 minutes,

so it's time to reenter this realm

and maybe help me out by emptying

your own puke buckets into the toilet.

- Thank you, be blessed. - [patron] Thank you.

Be blessed.

Oh, my God, Prairie, that was the most amazing journey.

- Mm. - I'm just confused about payment.

Wait, you don't need cash?

You have Blue Shield, right?

Your insurance covers it. It's billed as physical therapy.

- Amazing. - Mm-hmm.

Wait, but is all this legal?

The only laws of the universe are set by the cosmos.

The Federal government disagrees.

Francis Mercer, FBI.

We have you on insurance fraud and trafficking narcotics.

That's a minimum 10-year sentence.

Oh, my God.

Wait, did you just pretend to puke several times just to bust me?

That's correct.

Okay, I can't go to jail, so...

Well, Prairie, the FBI might look the other way on this

if you help us get some information.

What kind of information?

About your boyfriend and his family.

[liquid sloshing]

How much cocaine do you think we can get in a pi�ata?

[doorbell jingles]

I am so, so sorry, guys.

We really blew it this time.

- Psych! - Heyo!

- Mir closed the deal. - [both laughing]

[Lucky cheering]

[Lucky speaking foreign language]

How did it happen?

You know, I've been practicing my whole life

to take over Baba's business and I guess I kinda did.

- And I kinda helped. - [Lucky gasps]

Yeah, Raj agreed to marry that weird anime girl,

sight unseen, so that pushed them over the edge.

Hold on, are you actually gonna marry her?

I don't know. That's future Raj's problem, like AI.

Chalo, let's get the show on the road.

Ahmad, where's the pallet?

[laughing] How the hell would I know?

That's Hamza's department.

[? intense percussion music playing]

- [rattling] - Lift the gate.

[gate rattling]

[Raj] Um, where are the drugs?

[footsteps clomping]

Fuck, shit!

[? "To the Bank" by Alo Wala playing]

? A E I O U ?

? And sometimes Y ?

? And sometimes Y ?

? A E I O U ?

? Agendas innuendos ?

? That's how they end us don't you think ?

? Agendas innuendos ?

? That's how they running to the bank ?

? To the bank, to the bank ?

? To the bank to the bank ?

? To the bank, to the bank ?

? To the bank to the bank ?

? Hey, you there with the Superman tee ?

? Tell me why the dog tastes salty ?

? I know you got the looks you better ping me ?

? Me, I'll be sipping on my chai tea ?

? Hey, you there with the Superman tee ?

? Tell me why the dog tastes salty ?

? I know you got the looks you better ping me ?

? Me, I'll be sipping on my chai tea ?

? On my chai tea ?

? On my chai tea ?

? On my chai tea ?

[? song ends]

[? fanfare playing]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0