Original subtitles

People of The Palace Theatre...

..please welcome to the stage,

it's only bloody me, it's Jordan Gray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Calm down, it's not that exciting.

Even I know you're giving me too much attention

for somebody with these cheekbones.

Thank you so much for coming to my show.

I can't believe that I get to say that. I've taken this show

around the world, and I've come back to my home town and you're all here.

You're here and I'm here.

Be unusual if one of those things wasn't true.

And if you are watching at home and you're thinking,

"This woman's already really annoying." Right?

Keep an open mind, because opinions are like arseholes,

worth exploring.

Now, you already know my secret.

If you don't, it's not hard to guess, is it?

I've got quite big hands, got quite a deep voice.

My hair clearly came here on a different Megabus than I did.

Nonetheless,

I should like to perform for you my secret through

the medium of song.

This is the song I wrote to come out to the world

and it goes exactly like this.

Thank you so much for joining me for Jordan Gray: Is It A Bird?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I've never actually played the piano before...

..but I did watch one of them instructional tutorials on YouTube

before I got here. It looks easy.

PLAYS JAZZY TUNE

Yeah, it's a piece of piss. That's proper easy. That's well easy.

That's the easiest thing I've ever done in my life.

Uh! Fuck!

I'm so fucking talented!

This song is called Cecilia C,

and it goes exactly like this, cos I wrote it.

# I'm the girl They call Cecilia C

# And I've got a deep dark secret Down in me

# Half the world doesn't understand

# The other half probably Doesn't give a damn

# So I don't know Who I'm supposed to be

# So no-one knows that I

# Am gluten free... # LAUGHTER

It feels so good to get that off my chest! Ah!

# ..I live my life like Julian Assange, hey

# I eat my three square meals In Pret A Mang-er

# I never get invited to the restaurant and I would fuck

# An alligator for a fresh Croissant, my, my

# Ah!

# Theresa May might have Lost her seat

# But at least she could run through A field of wheat and not die

# Oh, my, my, my Oh-ah-aaah

# Ah!

# Lord don't make me beg

# I'm like a vampire But my church is Greggs bakery

# I'm sick of all this fakery

# Oh, Mr Macaroni Oh, Mr Panettone

# Focaccia, fuck that It's a full-blown attack

# On my intestinal tract It's a fact

# Can't interact with a biscotti Pumpernickel, teacake or a cracker

# A ciabatta, ciabatta Flatbread or a Big Mac

# I miss 'em Listen

# I got my memories And that's what matters

# A stack of sandwiches I'll just have the ham, bitches

# You ever try to make a pancake Without the batter?

# Bread It's better than sex

# Ladies, help me out You know I'm talking sense

# The only man I miss in my bed

# Is a tiny little man Made of gingerbread

# Oh, yeah

# And after all the crumby lovin'

# I'd love to find a bun in my oven Ooh... #

I would eat it.

# ..I'm basically a suffragette

# Now lay me down and fuck me With a French baguette

# It's not a silly act

# I've got celiac

# Disease Aah!

# And now you know why the call me Celia C... #

Cos it's spells celiac, don't it?

It's... Phonetically, Celia C, celiac.

You say the C on the end. You don't get it, do you?

That's all right, we're all in this together.

Just, what's the point of me being a lyrical genius

if you're not going to put the effort in at your end?

Thanks very much! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's happened! The show has begun!

The show is occurring in real time! Love it! Hello, mate!

Thanks so much. You're here as well.

Thank you so much for coming to my stupid little show,

Jordan Gray: Is It A Bird?

That's a clever title.

Cos it's sort of a little bit about superheroes - is it a bird?

Is it a plane? But also,

I am transgender and I'm from Essex.

So, it's like, is it a bird? I don't know.

LAUGHTER

What that laugh tells me is half of you bought a ticket

for this without realising that pun.

So I don't know what you think you're here to see.

I'm really grateful that you're here to see it.

I've got a few questions for you before we begin.

Question number one, what do you think of my outfit?

CHEERING

Thanks! They say dress for the job you want.

I don't really want one.

Question number two, what do you think of my hair?

CHEERING

Thanks very much. Windy out, innit?

This was straight when I left the house.

I was straight when I left the house.

That's how fucking windy it is out there.

Well windy out there!

I love that joke,

cos if you think about it for more than a second,

doesn't make any sense at all.

Still gets a laugh. Question three,

do we have any couples in tonight?

Got couples? Couple? Couple? Couple? CHEERING

Hello, couple. what's your names, lovely couple?

I'm Thea. And I'm Ashe.

Say, "Hello, Thea and Ashe." CHEERING

Sorry, who's copying my accent in the third row over here? Sorry.

I'm not a fucking chimney sweep.

Dick Van Dyke in the third row.

'Ello, Thea and Ashe! Cor blimey! Thea and Ashe.

Thea and Ashe, have you ever had

a conversation in your life about bringing

a transgender woman into the bedroom to spice things up a little bit?

Well... Let's have that conversation now, then, shall we?

Let's...let's do that now.

You look beautiful.

You have the aesthetic, if I may say,

of a couple that I'm going to have sex with later.

You look so sexy and nice.

Thea and Ashe, I don't know anything about you, but I promise you,

between my top half and my bottom half,

I do have a little something for everyone.

I... I'm incredibly versatile!

I'm like a sexual Swiss Army Knife.

There's something for everyone.

Ashe and Thea, Ashe and Thea, are, are you married?

No, not yet. No? Thinking about it? Yeah.

I think it'd be really nice if you did it right now.

Don't do that. I'm married.

I'm married. I've got a wife. I love my wife very much.

The thing about becoming a woman and then marrying one,

is that I've got no idea

when I'm being discriminated against in public.

I was holding my wife's hand down the seafront and this bloke yelled

out of his car, "Oi, dykes!"

I was like this. GASPS

"Oh, my God, thank you so much."

What a lovely man!

It's bloody hard work being transgender.

I haven't had a Yorkie bar in five years.

If you're ever worried about saying

the wrong thing to a transgender woman,

don't worry, my grandad told my nan I was one of them...

..Transylvanians.

AS DRACULA: Darling,

when are you coming back to bed? Ah, ha-ha-ha!

Friend of mine, he's a policeman,

and when I told him I was becoming a woman,

he congratulated me and then he said, "Oh, Jordan,

"now you'll be able to answer the age-old question,

"which one is more painful...

"..getting kicked in the nuts

"or having a baby?"

I said to him, "Are you sure you're a policeman?!"

"I don't feel very safe at all."

A lot of people, they look at a transgender woman,

they see half a man, half a woman.

It's a similar criticism faced by the world's bisexual people,

half gay, half straight.

The world's mixed heritage people, half black, half white.

Or indeed the world's penguins,

half a duck, half a concierge.

Thank you so much for coming to my show.

It all started when

I discovered something very unfair about my situation compared

to Batman's situation, right?

I should like to perform for you now my impression of

the average person today

and it starts with a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes! Thanks!

You're all nice! All right. Ooh! Ooh, the comedy's so hot!

My impression of the average person today.

What's that? A man dressed like a woman?

Not for me, thanks.

What's that?

A man dressed like a bat?

Yes, please!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Give me nine films' worth of that one, please.

How the fuck is that fair?!

How come the same people that don't want me using

the women's toilets got absolutely no problem

with Bruce Wayne self-identifying as a bat?

Especially considering he can't do anything a bat can do.

Can he fly? No, not really.

He just paraglides everywhere. My nan did that in Zante.

The woman is 74 years old.

It ain't that hard. Anyone can paraglide.

At least I walk the walk. I calls myself a woman,

but I does the things a woman does. For example,

if I'm going out with my friends

and it looks like it's going to be cold outside,

will I take a coat with me? Will I bollocks!

No, I won't!

Because I'm a woman now and that is my prerogative.

Am I going to ask to borrow a man's coat because I'm cold?

You bet your arse I will! Yes, I will.

Cos I does the things a woman does.

I occupy women's only spaces.

Like the candle section at TK Maxx.

I'm there every day.

SNIFFS AND SIGHS

Argh! I just want to bite 'em!

Don't bite them. Never bite those candles.

They never taste like the colour that they are.

I'll tell you that from experience.

I'm an excellent woman. I'm a brilliant feminist.

As far as I'm concerned,

I'm taking down the patriarchy one man at a time.

CHEERING Right?

Now, like most women, I don't particularly enjoy receiving

pictures of willies on my phone, either.

But unlike most of you,

I am able to aggressively reciprocate...

..by way of a deterrent!

Which, as far as I'm concerned,

is way more impressive than anything Batman can do.

Batman ain't got no superpowers, right?

All Batman's got is a costume, yeah? It's a bat costume.

So, a bat costume is what Batman thinks is scary enough

to scare away all the bad guys.

That's his whole thing.

Batman dresses like a bat to frighten people.

What Batman has gone and done there - bless him -

is he has grossly overestimated how scary bats are

to everybody else in the entire world,

apart from himself.

Cos of course, when he was a little boy man, yeah? A little bat boy,

little... Little man, little batty bad, batty bad, batty boy man.

Don't laugh at that. When he was a little boy man...

When he was a little boy man...

When he was a little boy man bat, he fell down a well full of bats

and it traumatised him for the rest of his life.

Why's nobody told Batman that falling down a well full of bats

is not a shared childhood experience?

That's not how fear works.

Bats aren't scary. He's just scared of bats.

That is not how fear works.

That's like me deciding to fight crime,

dressed like the uncle that used to babysit me that we're not allowed

to talk about any more. Whoa! Yes!

Here I am, Uncle-Man.

That's not how fear works.

Bats aren't scary.

Bats are the things that fly out of a cupboard in

a Scooby-Doo cartoon.

When Scooby and the gang thinks

something scary is going to be in that cupboard,

they sneak over to it all scared, they open it,

some bats fly out and everyone goes, "Oh, phew!

"It was just some bats."

I love imagining Batman, first night on the job.

He's well happy with himself. He's paragliding about like

a Zante nan, fucking...

looking for a bad guy. There's one. Pfff!

"Stop what you're doing."

Guy's halfway through robbing a bank. Like, "Hmm?"

"Mate, what...

"what you dressed like a bat for?"

"Oh, what do you mean?

"Because bats are really, really scary."

GROWLS WEAKILY "Growl."

"Are they?

"No, mate. Are you sure you're not thinking of vampires?"

"Oh, shit! Goddamn it.

"I really wish I'd known this before I bat-branded everything I own."

"I was going to say, what's this bat about in the middle of your chest,

"mate? You look like a massive Bacardi Breezer."

What is that?!

What is that?

Suffice to say, I think that secret identities can sometimes be

a little bit more trouble than they are worth.

Before I was a comedian,

I toured and recorded music for ten years under

the stage name Tall Dark Friend.

I reckon we can put that on the screen.

Tall... @Talldarkfriend. Tall Dark Friend is

a name that's very easily misheard over the phone

and subsequently misprinted on giant posters

up and down this beloved nation.

I was once billed at Tall Dark Forest.

Which is, which is odd.

Dark Dark Friend.

Like I'm a Funny Bones book from the '90s.

But nothing will ever compare to the cold December of 2008.

Southend seafront. Battle of the bands. Grand final.

Tall Dark Friend, that's me and this bloody good band.

And I'm all nervous and waiting in the wings.

And I saw the compere approach the audience,

and this is my big chance in the music industry,

cos all my friends is there.

And I'm all nervous and scared. HEART POUNDING

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage.

"Long Tall Black Man!"

IN SLOW MOTION: That's not my name.

This wouldn't be a show about superheroes if we didn't discuss

the original superhero.

You all know who I'm talking about. I am, of course,

referring to our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Lock the doors.

There was always something

about the story of Jesus, right?

Cos I like Jesus, I think he's nice, right?

By all accounts, what a lovely man.

But there was something about the story of Jesus that used to confuse

me as a kid and I realised what confused me about Jesus,

so I wrote a song about Jesus.

If you'd like to hear a song about Jesus?

CHEERING Thanks.

Little showbiz secret, I was going to play it anyway.

# The year was 33 AD... #

Yeah, topical.

# ..Christ had had a proper rubbish Thursday

# They nailed him up for misbehaving

# Threw his body in a cave... #

Which, I don't know, feels like overkill for a corpse.

# ..It's almost like they knew That he might rise again

# Organise his men

# And go on to have A glittering career

# In geo-political peace resolution

# Now is it just me Or is everybody missing something

# Quite extraordinary? Cos technically

# Jesus was a zombie

# Jesus was a zombie

# No matter what your vicar says

# Or anything you learned At church on Sunday

# You're worshipping The Walking Dead

# Hopefully America will see that Some day

# Jesus was a zombie Oh!

# Jesus was a zombie Ha!

# From frankincense to Frankenstein

# I'll eat your flesh You eat mine

# Be you gentile Jew or beggar

# Drink my blood and live For ever aaaahhh! #

That's not zombies at all.

Drink... I... What a weird time to figure that out.

Drink my blood.

Live forev...

# Jesus was a vampire... #

Just figured out he's a vampire. # ..Jesus was a vampire, Ah!

# I heard it round the campfire... #

That is a fucking amazing rhyme.

# ..They nailed him Through his hands and feet

# But no-one thought to drive one Through his heart

# He tells you Turn the other cheek

# So he can reach your sweet spot In the dark

# You might want to check His magic wine

# It's always red, never white Why?

# All you Catholic daddies Lock up your daughters

# Turns out not even Jesus Christ Can walk on holy water... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a clever song for clever people,

do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. I don't know how many GCSEs you lot have got.

I'm having a fucking great time up here.

# ..So you can sort of see why Judas might feel bitter

# Next to an undead killer At the final dinner

# Basically surrounded by the cast of Thriller

# Why'd you think that Judas asked for silver? #

Hey! AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Cos silver bullets kill vampires.

Fuck, I'm amazing. That's proper clever.

That is well clever.

Oh, for..

# Jesus a werewolf... #

He's a werewolf. Just forget that, he's a werewolf.

# Jesus was a Lycan... # Eh?

# That's a fancy word

# For werewolf

# And it's so much more convenient

# For rhyming. #

But his darkest deeds of all, from the time he spent on Earth,

were his immaculate conception and the painful virgin birth.

Now, I am not an expert, but I think it's safe to say...

# That whether he was zombie Vamp or Lycan

# Jesus Christ broke Mary's hymen... #

LAUGHTER

# So technically... #

Please stay with me on this one, Southend.

# Jesus was a zombie

# A motherfucking zombie

# They tried to blame the donkey

# Completely nonchalantly... #

Like it just happened on the way to Bethlehem, do you know what I mean?

MIMICS HOOVES CLACKING

"Oh, no. Pull over, Joseph."

"What is it, Mary?"

"You're not going to believe this, Joseph, darling husband of mine.

"My bloody hymen just broke."

"Probably because of this bastard donkey.

"Yeah. I'm still a virgin though."

"I'm definitely still a virgin though!"

# It's a quandary It's beyond me

# Why we worship him so fondly

# Like Gandhi or Blondie N-N-N-No, no, no

# Jesus was a zombie... #

I'm so fucking good at my job!

# ..Jesus was a zombie... #

I arouse myself!

# ..It's no wonder Christians are insane... #

APPLAUSE

# ..When you realise Jesus ate their brains

# Christians are insane

# Christians are insane... #

Sing it with me!

ALL: # ..Christians are insane... #

Don't worry, we're all in this together. Nice and loudly.

# Christians are insane. #

One more time, just you guys. Here we go.

AUDIENCE: # Christians are insane. #

Brilliant. Now Muslims.

LAUGHTER

Not as many of you came with me on that one.

That's interesting, isn't it?

Now, all the other ones.

# Jews and Sikhs and Hindus are insane

# Cos Jesus ate their brains. #

Thanks very much. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much. Quick caveat, before we continue,

I performed that song at a fundraiser and this wonderful

Sikh lady come up to me at the end of the show and she said,

"I want to have a word with you." And I was like, "Oh, no!

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. That was not meant to offend anybody. I was

"just pointing out the, the hypocrisy of the situation."

She said, "Look, I just want to say...

"..thanks for mentioning us,

"because we never get mentioned in anything at all!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

Yes! Yes. Ugh!

Bigots.

Not you! I mean...

I'm just not very good at segues.

Bigots...

Bigots...

..love...

..dogs.

Bigots love dogs.

Now, look, I'm not saying you're a bigot if you love a dog.

I'm not saying you've got to be a bigot to love a dog.

I'm just saying that bigots love their dogs

way more than normal people love their dogs,

cos they ain't got nothing else to love. Right?

A bigot will go to the ends of the Earth for their dog,

which is ironic given their stance on immigration, right?

That's a great joke. I'll tell ya this for free.

I'll tell ya this for free,

bigots love their dogs

way more than they like transgender people.

I would trade my transgender rights

for animal rights any day of the week.

If I woke up one morning as a dog,

my life would improve dramatically overnight.

Be like...

"This is amazing."

"Ricky Gervais has changed his tune."

"He fucking loves me, now I'm a dog."

"This is great. Can I be in After Life?"

Also, right,

if you can call your dog a human's name, right?

What's your name, my lovely friend? Frank.

Frank. That is a strong human name.

Is it short for anything?

What would it be short for?

Frank, Frankenstein, Frank, Frank. Frank...

That is a strong... Fist bump, my friend.

Frank is a strong human name, right?

You're a human, your name is Frank, and I like it.

But if you can call your dog Frank...

"Come into my house and pet my dog, Frank,"

and you expect me to come into your house

and call your dog a human's name...

..you can fucking call me Mrs, all right?

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Let's have a little bit of perspective, shall we?

And I bet Frank could piss wherever he likes as well, can't he?

"Oh, Barbara, he's done it on the carpet again."

"Leave him alone, Barry. He's still learning."

I'm still learning!

I did it standing up for 24 years.

Where's my pat on the head?

"I just think it's sad."

"I think it's so very sad that these...

"..these men feel like they need to mutilate their bodies

"to look more like women."

Sorry, Frank's balls came off quick enough, love.

Your dog is further along in his transgender journey than I am.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I will stop calling myself a woman

when you stop calling that dog your baby, all right?

"Eurgh, it's a man in a dress."

That is a dog in a onesie.

Let's have some perspective.

We get it, you love your dog. It ain't that hard.

They're proper loveable. Bloody love a dog.

Anyone can love a dog. Guess who else loved their dog?

Hitler.

That...

..is a really weird fact.

That's such a weird fact to have survived all these years

about Hitler, after all that shit he'd done.

The fact that we all know somehow for sure that Hitler even had a dog.

It's a bit weird.

The fact that we all know for sure that Hitler loved his dog

tells me, please stay with me on this one,

that old Hitler,

he might have loved that dog...

..just a little bit too much.

To the point that I'm suspicious...

..that he might have interfered with that dog.

All right, guys, calm down. I'm not here to badmouth Hitler.

Sorry. Sorry! Sorry.

I'm not here to slur your hero. Sorry. I'm sorry!

I was performing this material round the corner, a lovely little pub,

and a lady came up to the MC at the end of the night

and she said, "I enjoyed the evening very, very much,

"apart from that tall, husky-voiced,

"Marge Simpson-looking woman."

"I thought her Hitler material was in very poor taste."

And I wish she could have just come and said it to me,

and we could have had a lovely conversation.

I would have said, "No, you're confused.

"What Hitler did was in very poor taste."

All right? Very poor taste. Perhaps the worst taste.

What I did was make a joke about Hitler bumming a dog.

So, with all the love in the world,

unless you're a dog,

or a Nazi,

I'm sorry, I've got no idea who that joke is offending.

LAUGHTER

We live in a wonderfully progressive and inclusive society.

That's the best bit about society.

I think it's still all right to take the piss out of Hitler!

He's a baddie.

He's probably the worst-ie, right?

It's like having a go at the Joker.

Difference between Hitler and the Joker, of course,

is that the Joker...

..is fucking cool.

Sorry if that makes me an incel.

I like him, I think he's great.

When I was writing this show I used to walk around

thinking how relatable the Joker is as a character. Right?

There's a bit in that film, The Dark Knight,

where the Joker sets fire to this massive pile of cash.

And if that's not a career in comedy, I don't know what is.

We wanna see Batman fight the Joker.

Right? We wanna see Batman fight the Joker,

because we judge our heroes by the quality of their greatest nemesis.

I've got a nemesis.

Spoiler, it is a dog I met once.

And I would like to tell you about that story.

I was homeless for a little while. Not for very long.

And this family said that I could live with them.

That's a beautiful thing for a family to say to a person,

"You can come and live in our house."

The day before I was due to move in with this family,

I went over for a cup of tea with the mum,

make sure everything was gonna be OK.

First question out of her mouth,

"What are you like with dogs?"

That is a fair question.

Turns out, Rico...

Rico...

..was a Japanese Akita.

Put your hand up if you know what a Japanese Akita is.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It ain't a dog, is it?

That is a wolf, my friends.

That is a, "I'ma blow your house down and then eat you," wolf.

Trust me, I grew us as a lonely teenage goth.

I had about nine hoodies with this bastard's face on it, right?

I knows a wolf when I sees one!

APPLAUSE It's a wolf!

She said, "I only ask, in case you might be allergic."

To what?

Having my oesophagus ripped out through my neck?

Yeah, as it happens, I am deathly allergic to wolf attack.

I didn't say any of that, cos I was homeless,

and I had nowhere to live. What I did say was,

"I don't think I'm allergic to wolves, Sharon,

"but don't worry, if I am, I'll keep my distance."

Yeah? "I'll stay away from him, everything will be fine."

She said, "Oh, no, Jordan.

"That might not be possible.

"See, the thing is,

"every time a new woman comes into our house,

"Rico, bless him...

"..definitely will try, bless him...

"..and have a go on your leg."

She said, "What you've got to do in that situation Jordan,

"what we always do in that situation,

"is just let him finish."

"What?"

She goes, "Oh, no, Jordan,

"we don't like to discourage his behaviour,

"because he's part of the family."

Sorry? Sorry?

Sorry, is your Uncle Terry gonna come over later

and have a nosh on my tits? The fuck are you talking about?!

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, what sort of Lannister family have I wandered into?

That is not how families work, Sharon.

So, Rico, he gets home, right? Not on his own.

There was a man.

There was a man with a lead, and he let him into the house.

And I saw him for the first time. In fairness,

has a fucking sexy walk. He's beautiful.

He has piercing blue eyes. He's all white.

His whole body looked like the top of Phillip Schofield's head.

Just gorgeous, white beast of the land.

And I'm sat there thinking, "Here we go.

"Every time a new woman comes into the house..."

I'm sat there, braced for sexual impact. Right?

And he definitely saw me.

He definitely saw me.

LAUGHTER

And he just fucked off to the kitchen.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So now it's awkward, innit?

Because Rico is failing to acknowledge my gender transition.

You got yourself a Daily Mail dog there, Sharon, is what you've got.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What is that?

And I'm not proud of what I did next,

but I did it.

Rico, he's in the kitchen, he's dead to me now.

I'm talking with the mum, chatting shit.

I can't remember what she's talking about.

Fucking, "Grr, Tony Blair..."

"Ooh, carpets are expensive!"

"Yeah, I know, carpets are expensive."

The whole time I'm talking with the mum,

I'm wiggling my leg, just a little bit!

Just to get his attention.

SHE HUMS SULTRY TUNE "Yeah, Tony Blair, uh..."

Right, Rico, he sees that.

I'm thinking, "Here he comes. He's clocked it."

He runs over to me,

and he just sits on me.

I'm like, "Sharon, have a word, mate."

She goes, "Oh, no, Jordan. Oh, I'm so sorry.

"Oh, he does do this sometimes."

"Usually only to the blokes."

He's mugging me right off, this dog.

That is so unnecessary.

She said, "Jordan, what you've got to do now in this situation,

"what we always do in this situation..."

"..is wrestle him to the ground

"and pin his head to the living room carpet,

"so Rico knows who the alpha of the household is."

Sharon, mate...

I've had a really long day.

I don't know if you remember, I came over earlier.

The reason that I came over was for a cup of tea.

Maybe a biscuit.

A couple of bourbons.

Perchance a custard cream.

I could list biscuits all night.

I didn't come here to your human house

to square off with an apex predator from the Arctic tundra, all right?

I'm not Liam Neeson, you maniac. That's a wolf.

What do I get if I win? Passage to the underworld?

The respect of my Spartan elders?

Little Red Riding Hood is not a documentary, Sharon.

That's a wolf.

Now, at this point in the story,

really important to me that you lot know,

it doesn't matter who won that fight.

All that matters is, halfway through this Twilight fan-fiction

that's happening on the carpet, Rico,

he stood on my tit, and it hurt.

Girls, do you remember being, like, 11, 12, 13, 14 years old?

You've got these little acorn, Jelly Tot tits

and they're really uncomfortable. They really hurt.

That only happened to me, like, ten years ago,

cos of all the oestrogen I take,

got these tiny little boobs and Rico stood on one.

And I let out what I describe scientifically

as the scream of a bitch.

SHE SCREAMS PATHETICALLY Right?

That sound comes out different every single night.

"Hee-hee-hee!"

Right, the whole time he's stood on my tit, right?

And Rico, he heard that sound and he stopped.

He sat up and he looked at me, and he was like this...

WITH SOFT, WISE, JAPANESE ACCENT: "I am-a so sorry."

I told you at the beginning of the story it was a Japanese Akita.

That is exactly what he sounds like.

Right? Don't make this weird.

It's amazing, he heard that noise and he sat up and he looked at me,

and he was like this...

You're making me laugh. Specifically you are making me laugh.

This is what he sounded like. It was beautiful.

He goes...

SHE EXHALES WITH JAPANESE CADENCE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

WITH JAPANESE VOICE: "I..."

LAUGHTER

WITH REGULAR VOICE: Shut up.

WITH JAPANESE VOICE: "I am-a so sorry.

"I have made a terrible mistake."

REGULAR VOICE: And then he just put his head on my shoulder.

It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

This warm beast of the land, he sort of rested on me,

and then so sweetly, bless him, so, so sweetly,

he just started fucking my leg!

Because I was part of the family now!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, cos this is like a special, very, very special television taping,

I've got a proper little surprise for you.

I've found him.

I've found the wolf what I lived with.

His name is Rico. I'm going to bring him out on the stage, right?

It is a wolf, all right? SHE LAUGHS

Don't make any sudden movements or be all loud,

cos I'm up here, right? You're not.

Right, so what we're gonna do, just gonna bring out Rico.

Just be all normal and, uh,

and don't make loud noises and stuff,

cos we're filming this, and I might die, all right?

OK, fuck, I'm really scared. OK,

please welcome Rico to the stage.

LAUGHTER

Whoa!

Calm down. Calm down!

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Wow. Aw, he looks exactly the same.

Rico, mate.

Do you wanna come over here cos we're filming it for television?

Hello, mate. All right? AUDIENCE: Aww.

Rico. Rico. Here here.

It's cos... Ah, don't bite me!

Aw, there he goes.

Bless himself.

He's... What a mighty beast of the land!

Wow.

Rico, come and tell everyone how you're doing.

Rico, stop. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

He's not as excited about this opportunity as I thought he might be.

Rico, would you like to tell all the people how you're doing?

JAPANESE VOICE: I am doing very well.

I told you! That is exactly what he sounds like!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE All right?

That's exactly what he sounded like.

I wasn't making it up!

Ain't it weird to think,

what the lockdown taught me,

I think it taught a lot of people,

is just how weird people can be when they're stuck inside all day long

with access to the internet.

Cos a lot of lies got told...

SHE PLAYS PIANO CHORD ..during the lockdown.

# We were stuck inside for a long, long time

# Staring at a screen, swallowing its lies

# So, what I'm 'bout to say might come as a surprise

# But I hope it's not too late

# To set a few things straight

# So try to concentrate

# Frank, concentrate Really important that you concentrate

# Nobody asked for a gender neutral Potato Head

# It started as a joke

# In a Facebook post and you all just believed it

# Yeah

# Nobody cares about the sex of Mr Potato Head

# But you'll believe anything as long as it goes viral

# Or why read the article when you can just retweet the title?

# Whatever happened to this world's respect for science?

# 5G did not cause the coronavirus

# That was gays. #

I read about it on the internet.

# Transgender women need to piss and shit as well

# There's no conspiracy to steal your toilets

# Would you prefer I did my business in the men's

# Administering blowjobs to your boyfriends?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Nobody asked for a gender neutral Potato Head

# And no-one gives a shit Not one little bit

# But you seemed kinda nervous when you heard it

# You were quick to defend the biological sex of a Potato Head

# It seems to me like someone's worried about fucking

# The wrong gender potatoes

AS ELVIS: # The wrong gender potato

AS MICHAEL JACKSON: # The wrong gender potato

AS BOB DYLAN: # The wrong gender potato... #

I'm just doing impressions of everyone I can think of.

AS CHER: # The wrong gender potato

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

That was Cher.

That was an excellent Cher.

CHEERING

Supposed to be Elvis but it came out as Cher, it's fine.

# I tell you, nobody asked for a gender neutral Potato Head

# And if you care so much

# Why don't you just

# Go marry your potato

AS ELVIS: # Go marry your potato

UNINTELLIGIBLE ELVIS-ESQUE VOCALISING

MICHAEL JACKSON-ESQUE SCATTING # Potato

CHEERING

# Go marry your potato... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was supposed to be Cher,

but it came out worse than the first one.

SQUEAKING, PANTING AND WHIMPERING

# That's you fucking a potato-o-o-o. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks. Thanks very much.

I liked that one. I enjoyed that very much.

OK. All good.

Thanks.

I've got some news!

I've got some really nice news, right?

Do you remember that wife what I mentioned earlier, right?

Believe it or not...

EMOTIONALLY: ..she's expecting my baby.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just to clarify,

she can expect all she fucking likes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She's not getting a baby out of me, that would be madness.

You've not been listening to me at all.

I'm transgender,

I can't have babies cos I take eight milligrams

of oestrogen every single day.

My sperms are all just in there looking up stuff on Pinterest. Right?

They don't care.

They're not interested in impregnating a zygote.

But you all went along with it

because you don't understand the science behind my situation

and that is not your fault.

You've been given terrible information.

For example, the phrase "sex change".

We've all heard the phrase "sex change".

It's a very old-fashioned phrase.

And I'll tell you why it's so old fashioned,

it's because it can't be done. Right?

That's me telling you that.

If that's the only thing you take away from this TED Talk this evening,

you can't change your biological sex

because sex is genetic information.

I wasn't bitten by a radioactive woman, all right?

I wasn't working late in my laboratory one evening,

tripped over a cable

and fell into a massive vat of gender fluid, all right?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You can't change...

You can't change it. It's genetics.

You can't change your sex.

I've changed my gender.

It's a different thing. It's a nebulous, an amorphous concept.

I've changed my gender, but you cannot change your sex.

I'm not one of those frogs out of Jurassic Park.

Nobody flew Jeff Goldblum in on a fucking helicopter

to consult with this situation.

AS JEFF GOLDBLUM: Uh, see, your scientists...

Your scientists, uh...

LAUGHTER

Your scientists, uh, t-t-they were so busy, uh,

t-trying to turn, uh, penises, ha, into-into vaginas.

LAUGHTER

T-t-t-they were so preoccupied with whether or not they could,

they didn't stop to think if they should.

REGULAR VOICE: Oh, I'm sorry, is that, like,

the ninth Jeff Goldblum impression you've all heard this evening?

Sorry! CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I read in a magazine that scientists...

That's my...that's my impression of a scientist.

Scientists!

..are working on ways for transgender women,

like myself, to carry our own babies to term.

Fuck that for a laugh.

With all the love in the world...

..I'll refuse...

..to squeeze a baby...

..out of the end of my knob.

I'm not gonna do that. That sounds awful!

That is a terrible idea. At a push,

and I do mean without a fucking push, right?

..I would consider, please stay with me,

having one out my bum, right?

Well, at least that's what it's for!

People of Palace Theatre,

I'm not a superhero, right?

Aww.

Sorry.

Despite the amount of lasers that I have had shot at my face,

I have acquired no super powers whatsoever.

So, no, I'm not a superhero.

Although I am technically an X-Man.

See, the thing is, right...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No, don't...

That is the worst joke what's ever been told on this stage.

Do you know how I know that's a terrible joke?

Cos there's bigots watching at home right now that went,

"That was quite funny."

I'm not a superhero, I haven't got any super powers.

But neither does Batman!

Right? As we've already established this evening,

all Batman's got, his costume.

I've got a costume.

It's in there.

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

I know.

Imagine if that was nothing to do with me whatsoever.

I was like, "This has been fun. That's weird.

"See you later, everyone!"

This is mine. I bought it.

It's expensive and inside is my costume,

what's marginally less expensive.

What I'm gonna do now is, in homage to the old Superman films,

I'm going to run into that cardboard phone box,

change into my superhero outfit, come out and save the day.

It's going to be amazing.

What I need is one damsel or dame or non-binary person in distress

to yell, "Help!" All right?

And I'll hear that with my super ears, and I'll save the day.

You've not gonna get off your seat

but does anyone want to be my person in distress this evening?

Raise your hand or do a little whoop if you'd like

to be my person in distress.

What's your name, my lovely friend?

Isabella. Isabella.

A round of applause for our lovely Isabella, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You look beautiful, Isabella.

Isabella, now,

there's no wrong answer to this,

but what might be a distressing thing that could happen to you?

What distresses you in this world?

And remember, there's no wrong answers.

Nice and loud, what distresses...? I'm going to come down.

What distresses you in this world?

Men.

Men.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so I made the right decision. OK.

That's great.

What's a great way on the television of separating half my audience?

That's great. OK. Isabellla, thank you so much.

That's a perfect suggestion. Now, what we're gonna do,

people of the theatre, we're going to count down together,

"Three, two, one." Then Isabella's going to yell out,

"Help..."

"Help, there's a man."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Oh, no!"

Three, two, one, and then Isabella's going to yell,

"Help, there's a man." All right, have you got that?

Everybody got that? CHEERING

Don't fuck me on this, Isabella.

This is my career and everybody's watching on the television.

OK, you ready? Right, here we go.

Calm down.

OK, here we go. People of the Palace Theatre,

you and me together, three, two, one, and Isabella.

Here we go. OK.

Like this.

AUDIENCE: Three, two, one.

Help, there's a man!

Oh, no, there's a man. Play the mus-...

MUSIC: Theme from Superman by John Williams

MUSIC: Break It Down by Ikoliks

CHEERING

That took a turn, didn't it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can't believe it! Can't believe it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now you know my secret!

I am ginger.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

People of the Palace Theatre, I ask you again,

what do you think of my outfit?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sex. The bloke who sold it to me

it was made of the finest silk that only the cleverest people can see.

Ah, I'm only joking. My mum made it.

So, what's your name and where do you come from?

LAUGHTER

Imagine if that was the rest of the show.

Some squeaky clean, Jerry Seinfeld-style stand-up comedy.

AS SEINFELD: What's the deal with coffee?

You are doing an amazing job of keeping eye contact with me.

You're so sweet.

Here you are, I'll help.

There you go. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to work our way down together.

I'm just an average every day lady. Nothing different.

Here we go, what's that? Oh, very pretty hair.

How very nice. Oh, oh, pretty face.

Oh, expensive earrings. Titties, very expensive.

Didn't pay for 'em...

All the way down, working down.

Agh, 2025! It's 2025!

2025 is the nickname for my penis.

I'm going to let you in on a secret, people of the Palace.

I don't feel completely naked when I'm up here

and I'm going to tell you why.

It's because I'm not circumcised.

So, at least I'm wearing something, do you know what I mean?

This is business casual, as far as I'm concerned.

Pass you with my little briefcase.

The thing what keeps me awake at night is...

Put yourself in my shoes, right,

and imagine if I woke up one day...

..with amnesia.

I'll be in the hospital, like, "W-w-where, am I? Who, am I?

What, am I? Oh, God, where...?

What's the... Oh...

Oh, OK, I'm just a lady, living my life.

Average, everyday lady, nothing to see here.

That's going to be a surprise in the shower, isn't it?

I've performed this show all over the world,

and I've got no idea why, cos it's stupid, right?

I've been very lucky to perform this show all over the world.

I've performed this show in Australia.

And the day I landed in Australia,

there's some Nazis there.

Like, Nazis.

Like, think of a Nazi,

it's one of them. Right? Like, a Nazi.

And they were protesting transgender people

on the steps of parliament. It was all scary and that.

And I'm lying in bed at night thinking,

"This is not the Australian wildlife I was expecting to see."

I had a little list.

Kangaroo, check. Koala bear, check.

A cockatoo, check, check.

And it's all sad,

cos obviously Australia's a really nice place,

and everyone was all nice to me.

But I was laying in bed that night thinking,

"What have I done to upset these Nazis?"

They had little signs and things, sort of said mean things, like, uh,

"Go away transgender people."

I'm paraphrasing a little bit, right?

So, in bed thinking, "What have I done?"

"Why don't they like me?"

And then I realise what it is.

They are threatened by the old genitals.

I'm going to tell you why.

It's because Hitler...

LAUGHTER

..he only had one ball, didn't he?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What I'd like to do now is just play one last final song for you

on the old Joanna.

But before I do that,

where's our lovely couple, what I spoke to earlier?

Hello, lovely couple, Ashe and Thea.

Ashe and Thea,

has anything you've seen this evening...

..changed your opinion vis-a-vis

a three-way situation later in the night?

Yeah. We all good? Send the number later, yeah. Let's go. Yeah.

Definitely come to the afterparty. Definitely.

Definitely come to the afterparty.

I want to up my chances,

just to make absolutely sure this is going to happen.

And so, I'd like to serenade you, if I may, on the fly.

Let's start. We'll do Ashe, we'll do Ashe first.

I'm going to make up a song about Ashe, right now,

off the top of my head, using my mouth and brain.

Ashe. Doesn't rhyme with anything. Yes it does.

# Come on, come on, come on, come on

# Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on

# My face. #

Little song that I just made up.

That I just made up for Ashe.

Ashe is onboard. OK, great. Er, Thea...

Thea, consider for a moment that my keyboard

is the length of your beautiful inner thigh, right?

That's, this is a foot, that's your foot.

Right? Oh. Where, what, what am I doing?

Ooh, ooh, working my way. Oh.

PLAYS ASCENDING SCALE Where am I going? Where am I going?

We could be doing that in, like, half an hour.

I'm perform for you one last song. I performed this show...

Stop looking at my nob. I was performing this show in...

I performed this show in a little television programme

called Friday Night Live on Channel Four.

Did anybody see me performing on Friday Night Live?

CHEERING Thanks. I thought it was quite funny.

A lot of people thought it was very funny.

1,600 people specifically did not think it was very funny...

..and complained about it to a little regulatory body called Ofcom

who politely told them to calm the fuck down.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks.

I understand, people get confused,

and the world is changing very, very fast.

I would like to perform this song for you now,

erm, in the spirit that it was intended,

and I hope that you enjoy it in, in such a way.

This show has changed... SHE EXHALES

This show has changed my life forever,

and I'm really grateful that you're all here,

cos it's really weird being transgender at the moment

and you're all being all nice to me and makes me feel nice.

SHE SNIFFS OK. Ah, fuck off. Shut up.

LAUGHTER

Do you remember when I pretended to cry earlier

cos my wife is having a baby?

That was fake. I'm all emotional now.

Like... But you believed me then as well.

SHE LAUGHS So, I don't want to trip you up.

I'm really happy that you're here and I love you so much, erm,

and this is a song about feelings,

cos I've got feelings and a piano.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We love you! Love you!

You you are applauding instrument ownership.

But I'm very grateful for it.

# I look out at the faces in this room

# And wish that I could crawl back in the womb

# And start again Against God's plans

# With different glands and smaller hands

# I wish the world could finally understand

# I'm more than just a female Russell Brand... #

That joke has not aged well.

# No wonder why I feel so incomplete

# I stand alone on massive fucking feet... #

Size 11. SHE CLICKS

# The only place that I fit in In my entire life

# Is in the imagination of a bicurious man

# And a threesome with his wife

# And as I gaze out at the pity in your eyes

# I guess it's time I finally realised

# That I'm just...

# Better than you

# But in a way I always knew

# I'm such a fucking genius

# You don't have a fucking clue

# Cos I'm better than you

# But don't let that upset you, dear Ah!

# At least you get to watch me play

# You're lucky that I'm even here

# Cos I can sing like a motherfucker

# Play like a motherfucker

# Dance like a motherfucker

# Act like a motherfucker

# Fact, I'm a better lover than any other

# If you came here with your mother

# I'll fuck her just like a motherfucker

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Fuck her just like a Chuckle Brother

# To you, to me, to you, to me

# To you, now back to me This song's about me... #

Ah!

OK, who have we got in the front row? OK...

Er, Ashe. 25 times 10?

250.

Wrong, it's me.

Thea, what's the capital of France?

Paris.

Wrong, me again, you piece of shit.

Matt, Matthew, tell me I'm beautiful.

You're beautiful.

All right, gay.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Round of applause for the front row, everybody.

Thank you for not fucking up my punchline.

# I'm an arousing little mystery in your husband's Google history

# Go on check the results

# I'm a perfect woman My tits will never shrink

# And I'm guaranteed to squirt And I do anal by default

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

# I am the lizard king I can do anything

# That any other woman ca-a-a-a-an

# But then, what do you expect?

# I used to be a man... #

Sexism!

# I'm better than you And in a way, I always knew

# I'm such a fucking genius

# You don't have a fucking clue

# Now, I'm better than all of you

# But only cos you told me so

The day that I came out as trans

# It feels like a long time ago

# I put on lipstick and some earrings and a dress

# You said I was incredible

# You put me on this pedestal

# You told me I was beautiful

SHE SCREAMS

# You bunch of fucking liberals... #

This is all your fault I'm like this, you stupid bastards.

This is you. You're the ones.

# That convinced me that I was amazing... #

"You're so beautiful, Jordan. You're so talented."

"You're fantastic."

# You're so brave You're so brave!

# You're so brave You're so brave

# You're so brave

# I didn't even change my fucking name

# I just came up here and said, "I'm trans!"

# Woke up in the morning with a billion fans

# And you love me I'm amazing

# You love me I'm amazing

# You're so ugly How amazing

# You're so ugly I'm amazing

Ah!

# But I know in your hearts that you love me. #

Thank you so much for coming to my stupid show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's bring down the lights. Bring down the lights.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good, innit?

LAUGHTER

# Prince said times are changing

# So it's time we reached for something new

# And David Bowie said that we could all be heroes if we want to

# Now, some of you think I'm disgusting

# Like a soup with a skin on it

SHE SNIFFS

# But if I'm going to be a joke

# Then I might as well be in on it

SHE SOBS

# I'm going to be a joke

# Then I might as well be in on it. #

EMOTIONALLY: Thank you so much. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah, thank you so much. I love you, bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Thank you so much. That was the last...

That was the last ever Jordan Gray: Is It A Bird?

You've changed my life.

I love you and I'll see you for the next show. Look after each other.

Be good. Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Hang With The Happiness

# We're going to hang with the happiness

# We're going to hang with the happiness

# We're going to hang with the happiness

# You know it feels so good that I can finally confess

# Feel better in a pretty dress... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media