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[DING]

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

WOMAN 1: [ON RECORDING]
Yes, I'm taking my medication.

MAN 1: [ON RECORDING]
I have major anger issues.

I bottle up my rage

and then I lash out
at my friends

when they least expect it.

MAN 2: [ON RECORDING]
I am stoned all the time
for real.

Plus, I'm like always stoned.

WOMAN 1: [ON RECORDING]
I'm very happy.

Things are going really well
for me.

[WATER SPLASHING]

MAN 3:
Okay, auto-focus is on.

Auto-iris is on.

Okay.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[WIND BLOWING]

When I was a kid...

[BUZZES]

MAN 3:
When I was a kid,
I wasn't afraid

of monsters or--
or the boogeyman.

Sorry chink.

MAN 3:
I wasn't afraid of getting
into fights

or of walking away from a fight
when I could.

I wasn't afraid of trying
and failing at things.

But what I was afraid
of was being a failure.

I was terrified that
unless I was a top student

and then went on to be
a top doctor and/or scientist,

then me and my family
would be...

[IMITATES WHOOSHING]

...sucked down

this infinite drain of despair
and shame.

FATHER:
How was school today?

Good.

FATHER:
Do your homework, okay?

Okay.

And so I prayed every night.

Dear God.

What?

BOY 1:
Please help me be successful,

so I can protect my family.

Oh, okay, okay.

BOY 1:
By the way,
what is the purpose of life?

What?

BOY 1:
Fuck.

I don't believe in God
and I don't pray anymore,

although I do try to tell myself
that life can be beautiful

and that we have so much
to be grateful for,

even though
it's all meaningless.

We will probably never know
if any of this is actually real.

Or if in fact we live
in a massive simulation

in which apparently we all die.

[CHUCKLES]

I made several short films.

For example,
Lt. Governor Sasquatch.

MAN 4:
I've never seen that much hair
in one place.

The irony is he's naked.

Yes, he's buck naked.

But he's the best damn
figurehead leader

this state's ever had.

MAN 3:
And that was my approach.

However absurd life is,
work hard. Be successful.

Success gives one's existence

a meaningful
narrative structure.

A protective
happily-ever-after bubble

over you and your family.

I mean, of course though,

sometimes one has to
redefine success downward.

I mean, for example,

I was never going to be,
say, a top neurosurgeon.

That's okay, but up and coming
software engineer, yes.

But then, okay,

success can be full employment,
stable relationship.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay well, real success.

Real success is
overcoming adversity.

And being happy.

That's the story I'm here
to tell today.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Fuck.

[♪♪♪]

MAN 3: [NARRATING]
I don't think
my grandparents' generation

also obsessed about their
personal success and happiness.

They were just too busy trying
to protect their families

during the vicious Japanese
occupation of Korea.

And then World War II.

And then the Korean War.

A lot of them didn't survive.

We only have a few photos
from back then.

I wish we had way more.

I think I knew that my parents
were having a pretty tough time

being here,
in this other country.

But they didn't talk about it.

[SWEEPING]

MAN 3: [NARRATING]
And I didn't ask.

[TV HOCKEY PLAY-BY-PLAY]

Hey, hey!

MOTHER:
Hockey is too violent.

Watch figure skating.

[GRUNTING]

[TV MARCHING BAND MUSIC]

FATHER:
What's wrong with figure
skating?

I love the figure skating.

It's great.

-[MOANING]
-Jack, stop it.

-[BANGS]
-[LAUGHING]

JACK: [NARRATING]
Anyway, everything
was going to be all right.

Because I was going to honor
my ancestors' sacrifices

by being successful
in this country.

[SIGHS]

Fuck.

JACK: [NARRATING]
I was an outstanding student
and very good at writing code,

that is, computer programming.

I didn't love it though
and eventually I burned out.

And ended up temporarily here.

Jack.

JACK: [NARRATING]
In systems administration.

We do legacy maintenance
on Sun and HP machines,

troubleshooting email,
squid proxy.

Basically
it's the custodial work

of the digital world.

It is so exciting.

The guys I work with were both
downsized into this.

Stuart.

And Tim.

[CLICKING]

JACK: [NARRATING]
Beth.

Beth's from a small town
back East.

She's is doing
a very prestigious post doc here

in sociology.

She is super sharp
and insightful.

But she hates
intellectual snobbery,

which is why I think she does
this whole girly act thing.

Anyway, we had to do
couples therapy a while back.

[CHUCKLES]

JACK: [NARRATING]
It was really hard.

But it helped us.

BETH:
Thank you.

JACK:
Do you have a couple minutes
now?

Yeah.

-JACK: Yeah?
-Sure.

I gotta get a grant proposal in,
but um--

but-- but, yeah.

I'm very excited!

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

What should I talk about?

JACK:
Hang on, one second.

And I also had my short films.

Now, before we start killing.

JACK: [NARRATING]
One was about a guy
who hosts his own hunting show

so he'll be accepted as
a real American.

It totally doesn't work though.

So he just tries harder.

Bo Jimmy's gonna answer another
question from the mailbag.

Another was about a Korean man

stuck in Tokyo
during World War II.

[IN JAPANESE]

[♪♪♪]

JACK: [NARRATING]
While Japanese men
are off murdering

and raping innocent
civilians in China, Korea,

the Philippines, and elsewhere.

Korean Comfort Man has

life-affirming
consensual relations

with many Japanese women.

[♪♪♪]

JACK: [NARRATING]
It's funny, on the one hand,

someone should know
when they're beaten, right?

That they'll never be rich
and famous,

successful and happy,
or even just okay.

But on the other hand,
no one likes a quitter.

We're supposed to triumph
over adversity.

But does it even matter

since we might all be
in a massive simulation

or an alternate reality anyway?

Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Lightly? Or --

Yeah.

JACK: [NARRATING]
Or, maybe it actually
matters more.

Seven take one, marker.

[CLACK]

And action.

JACK: [NARRATING]
Anyway, I quit my job

to make a feature film called,
"Hockey Daze."

All nerve connections
to your lower extremities

have been cut.

And?

You are paralyzed
from the waist down.

If we could, you know, speed
this up, that'd be great.

You will never walk again.

PATIENT:
Okay, I hear you.

Ever. Never.

PATIENT:
But if you could please get to
the point that would be great.

Oh no.

Concentrate.

Wiggle your toes.

MAN 5:
So I tell them--

Oh, come on.

MAN 5:
I'm an extraordinary cuddler.

Why?

MAN 5:
It doesn't have
to be a big deal.

I'll come over about 10:00.

And we'll cuddle for an hour.

Why?

MAN 5:
And a lot of women dig that.

David.
[CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you so much
for telling me that.

DAVID:
Anyway--

PATIENT:
Why, why God?

How's the editing coming?

Hello, we live in a post
hunter-gather--

gatherer society.

David, how's it going?

-Hey.
-Hey.

JACK: [NARRATING]
Dear Diary,
the film is almost done.

Why, why, why, why God, why!

Ahem.

Why?

This time we want you to learn
to put them on yourself.

[GRUNTS]

JACK: [NARRATING]
It was supposed to be so bad
that it's good.

[SCREAMING]

Why?

JACK: [NARRATING]
But I'm starting to think
it might just be bad.

What should I do?

I'm totally screwed.

Sincerely, Jack.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

I submitted the film
to dozens of festivals,

but was accepted at only one.

The one where Sara's
the programming director.

[HORNS HONKING IN BACKGROUND]

JACK: [NARRATING]
Sara used to program

for one of the big
mainstream festivals.

Let's see what you're made of.

You got it.

JACK: [NARRATING]
But a few years back
she was let go.

Supposedly for continually
berating her bosses

and colleagues.

Anyway, she programs
the films she believes in.

NURSE:
Oh my God.

What?

Whoa!

WOMAN 2:
What were his short films again?

NURSE:
Wow.

I programmed his first short.

Korean Comfort Man
was in such bad taste.

Bad taste.

No, it was brilliant
and subversive.

Fully conveying the horror
of what the Japanese did

to the Korean Comfort Women
is impossible.

It's even absurd.

Korean Comfort Man turned
that absurdity on its head.

At least he doesn't play
the race card.

I mean, can we finally get past,
you know,

focusing on race
and just have films.

Films with Asian characters
in them without being:

"Yes, I'm ethnic
and yes, I'm fucked."

What?

We're just saying.

Oh, right, I'm sorry.

Because everybody's
so comfortable

in their skin nowadays

there's just no need
to mention race.

NURSE:
I've never seen anyone do that
with such athleticism.

This is really bad.

PATIENT:
People think all I do is take
a monster crap and--

It lacks cinematic completion.

PATIENT:
Whip the old one off.

Put a new one on,

but there's a hell of
a lot more to it than that.

REVIEWERS:
What, why?

Too late. It's already in.

He's coming by today
to drop off the print.

Hello.

Hi, I'm just dropping these off.

I didn't hear any
of the horrible hurtful things

you said.

I'm just dropping these off.

You're definitely gonna get
a three picture studio deal,

I mean wow!

JACK:
Thank you, thank you.

Everybody says so.

Thank you so much.

Nice office.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

[BUZZING SOUND]

JACK:
What is that?

Can't you hear that?

What?

What, hear what?

You really don't hear that?

-Are you okay?
-[CLICKING SOUND]

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

This um, hardship.

Yes.

It's taught me
that we have so much.

Yes.

-To be grateful for.
-Yes.

PATIENT:
And that--
and that we should just love.

Yeah, love.

Yeah.

Love ourselves.

PATIENT:
Yes.

Love each other.

Oh yeah.

Love the earth.

-Love the solar system.
-[STUART LAUGHING]

NURSE:
Love our sector of the galaxy.

[STUART LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE]

Don't want actually look
like you're wearing diapers.

TIM:
Yeah.

And you don't wanna get
that rash around your--

-STUART: No, no.
-Crotch.

But it's gotta seal really
well, 'cause, man.

TIM:
Yeah, yeah.

If it doesn't, then why bother?

The Huggies has pictures
of little dinosaurs on them.

Thank you all for attending

the Dim Sum Dance Film Festival
screening of Hockey Daze.

JACK:
What are you guys doing here?

Where is Beth?

She-- she's uh-- she's sick.

When are you coming back
to hockey?

At this time we will open
the floor up for a Q&A period.

Any questions for
writer/director/actor Jack Lee?

[CLAPPING]

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

-Yes.
-What did you shoot on?

Did you play pro hockey?

How much did the film
cost to make?

Was the movie autobiographical?

[CHUCKLING]

Uh, when did you
regain use of your legs?

[LAUGHING]

Hey,
how about a car chase scene?

That would've been interesting,
wouldn't it?

Or that's it, a fighting scene.

That-- that's--
a fighting scene.

Let's try that one.

Dance sequence, that's it.

Well, the character
was paralyzed, so.

So, he can dance like this.

Anyway, congratulations.

Thank you.

FATHER:
I'm very proud of you.

JACK:
Thank you.

I can focus on other things now.

Yes, grandchildren.

Yeah, grandchildren.

Grandchildren.

FATHER:
Grandchildren.

Dance sequence, that's it.

Grandchildren.

MOTHER:
Yeah, grandchildren.

[EXHALES]

JACK: [NARRATING]
Memo to self:

You're an idiot.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

MANAGER:
Oh, okay look.

First you turn down a promotion
and-- and then you quit.

JACK:
Sorry about that.

MANAGER:
How am I supposed to be
confident in your commitment?

JACK:
Yep, that's fair.

MANAGER:
What I'm looking for
is commitment.

Mm-hmm.

-And attention to detail.
-Mm-hmm.

Okay, look, the best I can do
for you is-- is part-time.

JACK:
Mm-hmm.

MANAGER:
Three days a week.

No benefits.

-JACK: Yeah, thanks.
-MANAGER: Okay?

-Welcome back.
-Thank you.

That time we were in Mexico,

we talked about getting married
and possibly--

Oh look, there goes my church.

I haven't gone
in such a long time.

You should go with me sometime.

I will.

But I thought you
dislike church.

I do.

I-- yeah.

Beth, when we were in Mexico,
we talked about--

Do you ever look at me
and think,

"What a big, ugly,
stupid white person?"

[CHUCKLES]

Don't you wish I was more
petite and had a small nose

like all those Asian women
in your movie?

No.

I love how you look.

Why?

I'm not doing
couples therapy again.

No fucking way.

Happy birthday, man.

Exclamation, exclamation,
exclamation. Send.

♪ Happy birthday, buddy,
happy birthday ♪

♪ You are 39, buddy,
happy birthday ♪

It's great.

♪ It's your special day today

♪ Spread your wings and fly

♪ Don't go home alone
and masturbate and cry ♪

♪ Again

[FOOTSTEPS]

♪ You are 39, buddy,
happy birthday ♪

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh. Hey, excuse me.

Hi. I really wanted to wish
you happy birthday again.

Thanks.

I'm pregnant.

That's not funny.

It's been like
months since you and I--

I'm sorry.

Hey, this is much nicer
than the one you sent me.

Who is it?

BETH: [ON PHONE]
I'm not gonna say, Jack.
That's none of your business.

JACK:
The condom break?

The condom broke, right?

Did he even wear a condom?

Why would you do that?

You could get herpes
or chlamydia.

He doesn't have herpes
or anything.

What were you thinking?

What was going on in your mind?

-You were drunk?
-No.

-You were high?
-I wasn't drunk. I wasn't high.

I don't know why I did it.

I just wanted to end things
and it just happened.

JACK:
His penis fell off a shelf

and it just happened
to land in your vagina.

I haven't known how
to end things with us.

It just kind of happened, okay?

JACK:
You got pregnant just
to break up with me?

-[CRYING]
-JACK: Holy shit.

Well, why not just break up
with me the normal way?

By Facebook?

I don't know.

Most of the time I,
honest to God,

have no idea what I feel
or want.

I have no fucking idea!

I think I must be
some sort of half-formed

embryonic proto-person
with no center or self.

There's no fully formed me here.

Okay?

JACK:
Fuck.

-[DOG BARKING]
-[BART TRAIN PASSING]

Raised

Hawaiian.

-Honey.
-STUART: To save time

they should sing the lyrics
of one national anthem

to the music
of the other national anthem.

-It is a tumor.
-PATIENT 2: [ON TV] Yes.

-On the gallbladder.
-PATIENT 2: [ON TV] Yes.

TV SHOW GUEST: [ON TV]
It's benign.

PATIENT: [ON TV]
That is what the doctor said.

TV SHOW HOST: [ON TV]
Wow, that is incredible.

So what exactly is
a medical intuitive?

TV SHOW GUEST: [ON TV]
I literally see illness
in people.

Both physical and spiritual.
Present and future.

Honey.

I see it as clear as day.

Glazed.

TV SHOW GUEST: [ON TV]
You have no idea.

-Amazing.
-[DOORBELL RINGING]

TV SHOW GUEST: [ON TV]
Life force is the energy

that flows through each
and every one of us.

And the emotions...

-TIM: Chocolate.
-Hey.

Glazed donut.

Uh-huh.

TV SHOW HOST: [ON TV]
Well, good advice as always.

We'll be right back.

JACK:
Thanks for letting me stay here.

STUART:
Wow, I'm really sorry.

I just don't know
what to tell you.

Wow.

TIM:
You can stay long term.

Three ways it's $633 a month!

We can carpool to work
and hockey.

When is she-- wait uh--
what is she doing again?

Uh, giving birth?

Eight-- eight months I guess.

Wow, I'm sorry.

I really don't know
what to tell you.

What would you do?

STUART:
I thought he already knew
what to do.

Your character did it in your
film.

The same thing happened to me.

STUART:
I mean the film was

partially autobiographical,
right?

Several girlfriends have
gotten pregnant by other guys.

STUART:
This hardship's gonna
teach you a valuable lesson,

make you a much better person.

It's gonna teach you to be--

to appreciate
the things you do have.

[ALARM BEEPING]

[ALARM OFF ]

JACK:
Okay, well, real success.

Real success is overcoming
adversity and being happy.

That's the story
I'm here to tell today.

JACK: [NARRATING]
Maybe you can
work things out with Beth.

She's pregnant.

It's too late to have
a successful career,

and marriage, and family.

My life is over.

I will go ahead
and hang myself.

Right after I overdose
on something

and slit my wrists.

[IN KOREAN]

[♪♪♪]

[EXHALES]

"Wow.

"I'm really sorry.

I don't know what to tell you."

[SIGHS]

JACK: [NARRATING]
No.

That's out of the question
obviously.

MANAGER:
That building!

That building's on fire!

JACK:
What?

WHITE WOMAN:
Help! My baby's in there!

JACK:
She needs help! She needs help!

That white woman needs help!

THAT WHITE WOMAN NEEDS HELP!

NO! JACK! NO!

-Help, my baby's in there!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[FIRE TRUCK SIRENS]

WHITE WOMAN:
Jack Lee sacrificed his
marginalized immigrant existence

to save my baby from a fire

I started while getting drunk,
and falling asleep,

and smoking a big fat doobie.

Jack Lee is not just
an American hero,

he is an American citizen!

And/or legal resident.

JACK:
Fuck.

Come on, man.

It's only an hour and a half.

No, I've gotta get back
on the horse.

-Get back on the horse?
-STUART: Hockey!

TIM:
You've gotta get off the horse.

-Hockey, hockey, hockey!
-Come on, man.

JACK: [NARRATING]
Do resume.

Start looking for a new job.

Take care of your finances.

I'm not a middle-aged failure.
I'm not.

- Is it a boy or a girl?
-TIM: Come on, man.

What kind of friend are you?

Okay, so if Jack helped you
off a horse,

you won't help jack off a horse?

STUART:
Drop the horse metaphor, okay?

TIM:
You don't even get it.

You don't even get it.

[♪♪♪ J.S. BACH GOLDBERG
VARIATIONS ARIA]

[♪♪♪ J.S. BACH GOLDBERG
VARIATIONS ARIA]

[♪♪♪ J.S. BACH GOLDBERG
VARIATIONS ARIA]

[♪♪♪ J.S. BACH GOLDBERG
VARIATIONS ARIA]

[♪♪♪ J.S. BACH GOLDBERG
VARIATION 1]

JACK: [NARRATING]
This game used to be
really good.

Full equipment, five guys
on each bench, two goalies.

Now it's basically become
what they call "shinny hockey."

To score, you have to be
within 5 feet of the net

and the puck has to be
on the ice.

In hockey, it's really easy
to injure someone.

A stick to the face
or an elbow to the head.

So games like this are all
about minimal body contact.

It's harder than it sounds.

[♪♪♪ J.S. BACH GOLDBERG
VARIATION 1]

JACK: [NARRATING]
When there is conflict

guys usually don't like
to talk things out.

Words just get misconstrued
and make everything worse.

Come on, man.

You weren't even trying!

Just come on.

Fuck.

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG VARIATION 2]

JACK:
Low turnout, eh?

After those two started
showing up,

guys stopped coming out.

Beat her up again?

[CHUCKLES]

-These dicks never pass.
-They never pass.

I was wide open
the side of the net.

The only way I get turned on
these days

is if she's crying.

Fucked up.

So?

[CHUCKLES]

We're better than them anyway.

Of course, we are.

Dicks.

Cunts.

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

It was an accident.

It was an accident.

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG VARIATION 3]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

Great game.

Yeah, you were great, man.

Hey, you too.

Nice pass.

MAN 6:
Thanks.

Stop that, you faggot.

Hey, who was that?

Which faggot?

Come on. That's not okay.

What, are you gay?

What?

Hey, before you say
something hurtful

about my lifestyle choice,

I really think
you should try it.

His sexual orientation
is none of your business.

Wait.

Yeah, are you?

No, but my-- my boyfriend is.

You're making him feel
very unsafe.

Are you?

Look, there is
nothing wrong with--

There's nothing wrong
with dude-on-dude.

Exactly, what he said.

-Fag, fag.
-Fag, fag.

Fags, all of you.

Fag.

Fag, fag, fag.

♪ Oh Canada,
our home and native land ♪

♪ True patriot love

BETH:
Oh look, there goes my church.

I haven't gone
in such a long time.

You should go with me
some time.

Dear God, please find it in
Your heart to forgive me.

Oh God,
I'm such an awful person.

I deserve to...

Milk.

Eggs.

Bread.

JACK: [NARRATING]
She always had

this compartmentalized
relationship with God.

And with me. And with herself.

♪ With glowing hearts,
we see thee rise ♪

This key's too high for me.

[LAUGHING]

I can't do it.

Okay.

STUART:
You left your clothes
in the washer again!

You left your clothes
in the washer. Again.

Really?

It's kind of passive aggressive.

BETH: [ON RECORDING]
Do you have the camera on?

JACK: [ON RECORDING]
You have a couple minutes now?

JACK: [NARRATING]
Maybe you can work
things out with Beth.

She is pregnant.

Will they get married?

Have more kids?

It's kind of passive aggressive.

What?

JACK: [ON RECORDING]
All right. Hey, so what are you
working on there?

JACK: [NARRATING]
Was she already
cheating back then?

Social Interactions, Monogamy
and Heterosexuality.

[JACK & BETH MIMIC CAT GROWL]

[CHUCKLES]

TIM:
Passive aggressive,
what's that?

Pretending you don't know
what passive aggressive is

is kind of passive aggressive.

Really?

JACK: [ON RECORDING]
So, it sounds like you do
believe in God.

Oh yes, I do.

JACK: [NARRATING]
No, you don't.

Well, I don't get to church
enough, but I wish I did.

Oh boy, I really wish I did.

Uh, what?

BETH: [ON RECORDING]
'Cause God's gonna punish me.

Well, He's probably already
punishing me

in any number of ways.

[GIGGLING]

BETH: [ON RECORDING]
Anyway.

You know, and I don't care what
The Da Vinci Code says.

Jesus is the son of God.

He just is.

JACK: [NARRATING]
She was always performing.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

JACK: [NARRATING]
Always overacting.

-Hey.
-Hey.

I love Jesus.

TIM:
What's this?

He's my spiritual role model.

It's just a documentary on--
on people's spiritual beliefs.

TIM:
Documentary project.

JACK:
Yup.

- And as for God.
-TIM: Right.

JACK:
That's not helping, man.

That's not-- just--

I guess I love Him, too.

JACK:
Tim, stop it.

He knows I'm not
a very good person.

TIM:
Slut.

I'm definitely going to hell.

[GIGGLES]

- Oh.
-JACK: Seriously? Jesus.

As for all this gender
revisionism of religion,

I'm a feminist, but I'm sorry,
God is not a female.

He is male.

- God's a man.
-TIM: Evangelical slut.

He just is,
and that's all there is to it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[GIGGLES]

Hey guys, you wanna
be in this documentary?

TV SHOW GUEST: [ON TV]
...The husband, but
she instead was able to--

Hey. Guys.

You wanna be in this
documentary?

And by doing that,
by taking that responsibility

on herself,
she was feeling relief.

So what I do
as a medical intuitive

is I allow you to know,
because I see the blocks.

-What?
- And when you know,

and when you have the
knowledge of the blocks, then--

Quiet.

TV SHOW GUEST: [ON TV]
You know, you are able to take
control of your own life.

And then you are able
to free your emotions,

and you're able to allow that
life force energy to flow.

TV SHOW HOST: [ON TV]
Well, good advice as always.

We'll be right back.

TV SHOW GUEST:
Yes, why don't you connect
with my manager

and my assistant
and they will set something up

for next week.

Okay then. Yes.

I have someone waiting for me.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

My manager said your
extraordinary persistence

ultimately exhausted him.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Thank you for doing this.

It's a beautiful day,
isn't it?

My God, yes.

It's gorgeous.

You have no idea
how beautiful it is.

You can't possibly imagine.

I think I have
a pretty good idea

how beautiful it is.

Jack, you have no idea
how beautiful it is to me.

Coming back into the human
is, well...

You have no idea.

JACK:
What the fuck.

You were talking earlier
about the Baga-- the--

The Bhagavad Gita.

-Yes.
-Yes.

Is that a movie?

No, it's-- the Bhagavad Gita
is an ancient spiritual text.

It's the encapsulation
of the Hindu philosophy.

It's translated from
the Sanskrit as

"The Song of God."

But it's going to be
a movie, right?

No, it's--

I'm just--
I'm just messing with you.

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry.

Possibly.

No, no, no.

God is not something
to believe in.

God is what we are.

I am God.

We are all God.

God is-- is nature.

God is beauty.

God is love.

Lower energy beings, that's
99% of the population.

They get distracted with these
micro issues of spirituality,

like praying for
a sick loved one

or trying to be humble.

But they don't understand.

Their minds are so small,

they don't even see
their own divinity.

But this is
an extraordinary time.

The world is on the verge
of a spiritual awakening.

China's invasion of Tibet.

It forced the Dalai Lama
to go out in the world

and spread his message
of peace and love.

Global media and the internet.

JACK:
She is so beautiful.

They have created this global
awareness and consciousness.

Oh, you have no idea.

You can't possibly imagine.

Now it is up to spiritual
leaders like myself

to go out in the world
and spread the message that

we are all God.

I am God.

And you can be, too.

Jack, your vision of
reality just expanded.

GOD:
Ya, ya, ya, ya.

JACK:
Okay, I'm cutting now.

My God, you really have no idea
how wonderful you are, do you?

You're different
from other men.

-No, I'm not.
-You're not broken.

You may think you're broken,
but you're not.

And other men are broken
or angry

and they try to control me.

What?

My God, you really have
no idea, do you?

Your energy is so different.

It's-- it's wonderful.

Hey, um, you probably get
this all the time,

but I wanted to ask--

You want me to guide you
on your spiritual path?

JACK:
Well, you're obviously
very busy, so I know it's not--

Of course, darling.

[♪♪♪]

JACK: [NARRATING]
Okay, she is not
completely bonkers,

unless you take everything
she says 100% literally.

And you don't.

"When your intelligence crosses
beyond delusion's confusion,

"then you shall be
indifferent to the heard,

and the to be heard."

So you will do
as she instructed.

You will read this sacred book.

And you will wait for her call.

[BIRDS CHIRPING IN BACKGROUND]

[♪♪♪]

[COUGHING]

You okay, dad?
Would you like a glass of water?

No, thank you.

But some grandchildren
would be nice.

JACK:
Fuck.

STUART:
You can't say he's 39.

Women will think he's really 45.

What are you reading?

Oh, this book
Vivanti recommended.

Height, 5'11".

JACK:
I'm not on the market.

Are you in love with the guru?

No! I-- What?

TIM:
5'9".

Women will think he's 4'10".

I'm not ready is all I'm saying.

Most humbling moment.

When I drove my Ferrari
to the charity function

for the homeless children.

We need a photo of you now.

STUART:
Where I raised more money
than anybody else.

Profile name,
Bitter Middle-Aged Loser.

Huh.

Most humbling moment.

Being told
when I was 8 years old

that I was the 15th
reincarnation of the Dalai Lama.

First, I was like, "Whoa."

Then I was like stoked.

In my bedroom one would find,
silk prayer robes,

priceless Tibetan cultural
artifacts.

Hand lotion. Toilet paper.

JACK:
More about me.

Me.

I am stoned all the time.

Fer real.

Plus, I'm like always stoned.

I have major anger issues.

I bottle up my rage

and then I lash out
at my friends

when they least expect it.

I-- I have a knife.

They don't know I have a knife,
but I have a knife

and uh, more about me.

I like walks in the park.

I like sunsets and bunnies.

[TYPING]

[CLICKING]

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, boss.

MOVIE CHARACTER 1: [ON VIDEO]
This is my bum.

Can you see it?

Um, do we have any
pending shipping requests

for Jack Lee's film?

Come closer, come.

Just don't touch it.

Don't touch my bum.

Come, come closer.

You can look at it.

But just don't touch it,
whatever you do.

That's too close!

Back off, back off.

I'm feeling very not safe!

So, Jack Lee's film.

Any uh, pending shipping
requests?

That's better.

But how can
you see my bum from there?

No, nothing, nada.

Come closer.

Thank you.

You can look,
but don't touch it.

TIM:
One 1,000, two 1,000,
three 1,000.

Checkmate.

[CHORTLING]

TIM:
Hey, you know who can dance?

This guy.

The big boy can actually move.

It's not checkmate.

Oh man.

Oh man.

One 1,000.

Ugh.

Let's play again.

Do you think you might
be smoking too much?

That's very hurtful.

You're trying to hurt me.

Does it seem like it?

COMPUTER VOICE:
You have messages.

Hey, somebody responded.

Hey, somebody responded
to our personals.

"Your Holiness,
fancy meeting you here.

"Please come by and pick up
your film print

at the festival office."

She wants us.

She's kind of hot.

SARA:
It's not just a--
a film festival.

It's actually a celebration

of Asian American arts
in cinema, so.

No, it's kind of
a new concept, so.

Hey, you mind if I?

You guys organize
everything by genre?

We just started.

I came up with the idea.

We both did.

JACK: [NARRATING]
Hmm.

Sexually Empowered
Asian Female Films.

"Don't Touch My Bum."

Mm-hmm, cool.

"Asianz 'N The Hood."

GANGSTER 1: [ON VIDEO]
Yo, yo.

GANGSTER 2: [ON VIDEO]
Yo, yo.

Wassup?

Wassup, wassup?

JACK:
Cool.

"Internment Camp Films."

Wait, seriously?

"Korean Adoption Films."

Your Holiness.

Hey, hey, hey.

-How's it going?
-Hey.

GANGSTER 2: [ON VIDEO]
Come on, man.

What you want?

Step up, bro.

GANGSTER 1: [ON VIDEO]
Fuck, you step up.

I'll-- I'll step up.

-Hi.
-Hi.

GANGSTER 1:
Fuck you, you poser.

I thought we agreed to go
back to the old categories.

You know, drama, comedy.

It doesn't work for us
to stereotype

the very community
that we're trying to support.

Stereotypes save time.

GANGSTER 2:
Little caterpillar don't know
how to fly yet, huh, butterfly?

GANGSTER 1
What the fuck
are you talking about?

JACK [NARRATING]:
She's so cool.

Are you busy right now?

Um, would you like
to join me for lunch?

Um, well, I'll have to
check my schedule, but--

[PHONE RINGING]

-Yeah, that'll be fine.
-Sorry, sorry.

Hello, Vivanti.

VIVANTI: [ON PHONE]
Jack, it's a magnificent day
outside.

Yes, yes, I noticed that.

VIVANTI: [ON PHONE]
We're going to enjoy
such a wonderful time together.

Well, actually right now
I'm in the mid--

VIVANTI: [ON PHONE]
Absolutely beautiful.

You have no idea.

Come as quickly as possible.

-Come right now.
-JACK: Okay.

GANGSTER 1:
Fuck you.

Your mama.

-SARA: Um.
-JACK: I know, I know.

I'm really, really sorry.

That's what she said.

-SARA: You're just gonna go?
-JACK: I know, I'm sorry.

But as I said, I've been
waiting for this meeting--

SARA:
Wait a second. I--

JACK:
Yes, I'll be back for the print.

Thank you so much, Sara.

Thank you. Thank you!

[KEYS CLANKING]

[♪♪♪]

VIVANTI:
Your spirit is in crisis.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

It's trying to tell you

that you are the architect
of your own difficulties.

Shall we?

You have created
these conditions

for your own
spiritual awakening.

Wait.

JACK: [NARRATING]
That's just a repackaged New Age
Hero's Journey narrative.

This is the Dark Night
of the Spirit.

You sense you lack
purpose and meaning.

You know you're
losing your identity.

You sense a need for devotion

to something greater
than yourself

and you are seeking spiritual
guidance to that end.

Jack, every great mystic
must go through this.

You are a deeply
spiritual person.

You just have never had
anyone validate that for you.

That's why I am here.

Really?

Yes.

SARA:
I know.

They were very nice, but they
just weren't for me, okay?

[SIGHS]

Okay, mom, we can't choose
who we are attracted to

or who we love.

Some people we connect with
and some people we don't.

I'll always be alone.

Mom, for the 10th time,
I am not a lesbian.

I'm not.

Yes, I'm taking my medication.

Mom, I'm very happy.

Things are going
really well for me.

REVIEWER 1:
Yes, I'm ethnic
and yes, I'm fucked.

SARA: [NARRATING]
I'll always be alone.

You're having the thought
that you'll always be alone.

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

I'll always be alone.
I'll always be alone.

I'll always be alone.
I'll always be alone.

I'll always be alone.
I'll always be alone.

I'll always be alone.

VIVANTI:
Every great mystic
must go through this,

must go through this,
must go through this.

You are a deeply
spiritual person.

[ECHOING]

You have great spiritual power.

Your love, your gratitude,
and your ability to forgive.

Just focus.

Focus.

BULLIES:
Chink! Chink! Chink!

Chink! Chink! Chink! Chink!

Chink! Chink!

By the way, "Gook,"
"Biscuit Head,"

or "Dog Breath" are
the proper perjoratives.

You crackers are so ignorant.

That's not cool.

I forgive you.

I prefer the term "White Trash."

Or just-- just "Whitey."

Mm-hmm.

I forgive you for that, too.

I forgive everyone.

No, I don't think
I could forgive everyone

unless it gave me powers.

GANGSTER 1:
Fuck you, Chinkertong

- Got rice, Bitchitaki?

-Fuck you.
-Fuck your face.

Heyyyy bitches!

Shut the fuck up, Banana.

Uh, brewskis?

Let's have a... some fucking
beer,'nkay?

-Come on, man, do it again.
-Cappin' asses, it's all I knew.

Ready, Hite.

But now Shorty's got me
groovin' that nonviolence.

[GUNSHOT]

[GIGGLES]

That shit is tight!

Dude, that was awesome.

Well here, let's bring him out.

I can see! Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

Unbelievable.

REPORTER 1:
Here in Vatican City where
middle aged loser Jack Lee

is about to be beatified

as the first living
Saint in history.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

REPORTER 2:
Now that you're a Saint,
do you feel the pressure is on

to perform bigger miracles?

No, I'll just keep taking it
one miracle at a time.

Each miracle
is its own miracle.

You can't force them.

Thank you for your time,
St. Jack.

-JACK: [ON TV] Thank you.
-Unbelievable.

Just gotta shift the grip
in your top hand a little bit

and then roll the wrist.

Let the stick slide
through the other hand.

-You're getting it.
-Just--

I'll-- I'll do it later.

Alright.

STUART:
You know what really bugs me?

When I make a perfect
pass up to the half boards

where the winger is supposed
to be and nobody's there.

JACK:
Come on, it's pick up.
Everyone's everywhere.

But it's so basic.

Just be where
you're supposed to be.

JACK:
No, it's not.

You gotta play the game
you're given,

not the game you have
in your head.

You gotta look around,
make use of what's there

and not dwell on what's,
you know,

supposed to be there,
but isn't.

STUART:
See, another hockey pearl
of wisdom

you need to incorporate
in your own life.

JACK:
What are you talking about?

STUART:
I'm like, "Why isn't the guy
at the half boards

where he's supposed to be?"

And you're like,

"Why is my girlfriend carrying
somebody else's baby

instead of my own?

Why, oh God, why?"

[♪♪♪]

Do you mind if I look around?

[♪♪♪]

This is your hockey stick?

Yes, that is.

You love hockey.

Your entire spirit loves it,
you need to keep playing.

How did you know
that one was mine?

-The hockey stadium is like--
-The rink, the ice rink.

Yes, the ice rink is a sacred
and a spiritual place for you.

It's the only place that
you feel totally present.

This tea is marvelous.

You have no idea,
ever since I've come back.

Wait, do you literally mean
I have no idea how marvelous

-the tea is--
-I'm entirely literal.

When someone says to you,
"How are you?"

They don't really want
to know how you are.

But when I ask,

I quite literally want you
to tell me how you really are.

But people use phrases
that have a literal meaning

and an everyday meaning
all the time, right?

Such as?

JACK:
"What's up?"

-"How's it hanging?"
-I said, literal.

-"That shit is tight."
-Not idiotic.

But that distinction is
completely arbitrary obviously.

There is nothing
arbitrary about it.

It's totally personal
what one decides is--

I will not discuss this
with you.

You do not like
the way that I talk.

Wait, wait.

It's not that I don't like it.

It's just that I'm learning,
okay?

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

-You like me?
-Yeah.

Oh goody!

Delightful to meet you.

Hi.

[BONG BUBBLING]

JACK: [NARRATING]
Was that some kind of a test?

So you were checking out
her spiritual beliefs.

[COUGHS]

JACK:
To see how I'd react?

I bet she's got nice,
perky, spiritual beliefs.

Guys, shut up.
It's not like that.

Did she see
your spiritual belief?

Was she disappointed by the size
of your spiritual belief?

JACK:
It's a documentary project,
okay?

Well, so uh, how come
you haven't interviewed us?

Don't-- don't wanna-- don't--
I don't wanna be involved.

[BEEPS]

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, my mom is
a dogmatic Catholic.

Um, I went to church

and Sunday school
all the time as a kid.

They-- they taught us
principles for living.

Mainly, trying to be grateful.

Jesus was a role model.

He uh, saw people
for who they were,

not their position in life.

He hung out with the sinners
and the prostitutes.

He gave them a chance.

So, do you believe in God?

There are things that,
that we don't know.

We live in a huge mystery.

This incredible situation.

This 4-billion-year old planet

where everything's perfect
for life to evolve.

But uh, for all we know,
we're all in the Matrix.

JACK:
Or some other
massive simulation.

The only thing we know is
cogito, ergo sum.

I think, therefore I am.

Everything else
we take on faith.

Buddhism seems okay.

[GRUNTS]

The Dalai Lama's got it
figured out, it seems.

[COUGHS]

STUART:
So, do you believe in--

I did growing up.

I was afraid of God.

I'm still sort of afraid, but
I don't believe he exists.

[GRUNTS]

What happened?

Just life.

[♪♪♪]

STUART:
Okay, alright.

I was raised a devout
Christian Scientist.

My parents are devout
Christian Scientists.

TIM:
Scientologists?

No.

Uh, Christian Science
is a gnostic religion.

Basically, they believe
that the only true world

is the spiritual world.

The material world is
simply an illusion.

JACK:
Illusion, simulation,
same thing really.

That's why they
don't go to doctors,

because sickness, disease,
evil are all just illusions.

They only have power because
you give belief to them.

Anyway, I'm basically
an atheist.

I think it would be great
if there was an all powerful,

loving God up there.

I would love to mainline Him
my wish list

and just sit back and wait
for all the goodies

to start rolling in.

And it would be great
if we had a soul or a spirit.

I would love it if when we die,
some wispy little white shadow

would float out of our bodies.

[LAUGHING]

JACK:
Well, no surprises here.

We all agree that God
is a nice fairy tale.

None of us believes.
Not even Beth.

Oh yes, I do.

JACK:
No, you don't.

I just think the idea
of a vengeful God

somehow makes you feel safe.

And Vivanti, well,
she just redefined God.

We are all God.

I am God.

And you can be, too.

JACK:
And she was not being
metaphorical.

She literally just said she is
literally always literal.

Just neurons firing,
muscles twitching.

Basically we're just
animated meat.

Animated, conscious slabs
of meat.

[CHORTLES]

JACK:
I'm having a little trouble
understanding,

just like what things mean.

Like a sentence, for example--

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

JACK:
Hey, uh, this isn't some
kind of test, is it?

Could we talk about this?

Hi, um, Jack,
this is uh, Sara.

I know you're probably busy,
but--

VIVANTI:
What's the point of having
higher consciousness

if you can't touch
lower energy beings?

You need to come by
the festival office

to pick up your print
by Friday, okay?

VIVANTI:
You know, Mother Theresa
and Gandhi,

they both understood this.

JACK:
Yeah. Hang on a second.

VIVANTI:
And they connected
to the masses.

JACK:
I'm genuinely having
a little difficulty here.

[VIVANTI LAUGHS]

Thank you, bye.

VIVANTI:
And as an elite
spiritual leader--

JACK:
What?

VIVANTI:
it's important that I'm
understood by normal people.

JACK:
Well, you're not an elite
spiritual leader yet, but--

Why do I always feel like
you're waiting for me

to say something wrong?

You're just like the others.

Don't throw my words back
in my face.

I don't need your judgment.

I need your help with language.

Um...

you want my help
with language?

Yes, help me "tawk pwetty."

Okay, I would start with words
like higher and lower,

which suggest hierarchy.

You don't like the way
that I talk.

You don't like who I am.

You are like everybody else!

No. No.

Even if I asked demurely

you would still find flaw
in me, because

my higher energy threatens you!

Okay, okay.

Mother Theresa and Gandhi,
they went through this also.

Wait, Mother Teresa and Gandhi,
they were humble.

How dare you say that
I'm not humble!

I contort myself so that
normal people will like me.

And they still hate me!

JACK:
Wait, wait, no, hang on.

VIVANTI:
I need you to go now.
Please leave.

JACK:
Nobody hates you.
I'm the only one who hates you.

VIVANTI:
Right now! Please leave!

JACK: [NARRATING]
It was a test.

You were the one testing her.

You knew she would fail.

And you did it anyway.

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG VARIATION 13, PART
2]

[CHEERING]

Your boy, the big guy.

He wants to win so bad.

-JACK: Yeah, I know.
-You guys tight?

-They never fucking pass.
-Pricks.

Uh, we're housemates.

We're friends, I guess, yeah.

Whatever you say.

Dude, I think I pulled
my groin the last time.

Well, I'm sure one of
the fairies out there

will give you a nice rubdown.

Why don't you help him win then?

If you cranked it up,
we could win every time.

That's not funny.

Uh.

You could do that for him.

He'd be so happy.

Game on.

JACK:
What's the score?

STUART:
I don't know.
I don't keep score.

STUART:
Eight to five.

For who?

Them.

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG VARIATION 14]

[LAUGHS]

Alright! Come on, Jack!

Alright!

Come on!

Yeah! Yeah!

He's just fucking standing
there the whole time.

[TAKING DRAGS]

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG VARIATION 14]

[GRUNT]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

STUART:
Yeah, it was an accident!

Yeah, these things happen
all the time.

It's the game.

It's just the game, man.

JACK:
It was an accident.

You got a real fucking problem.

It was an accident,
part of the game.

Yeah, these things happen.

It's-- it's part of the game,
you know,

these accidents.

Oh, fuck.

We've gotta get rid
of those guys

or move to a different rink.

-You're a fucking faggot.
-[CELLPHONE RINGS]

JACK:
Just wait a second.

PLAYER 1:
You are fucking--

I was wrong about you.
You are broken, aren't you?

You've been broken for
a long time, haven't you?

Why can't you lay off, man?

Three men and no baby,
blah, blah, blah.

VIVANTI:
I need you to release me
from this friendship.

What?

I need you to release me
from this friendship.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

I've tried, Jack.

You can't possibly imagine
how hard I've tried.

To do what?

To be someone that
you approve of.

We're here to play hockey.

PLAYER 1:
Shut up, you fucking bitch.

VIVANTI:
To use language
that you approve of.

Please release me.

PLAYER 1:
You're a fucking faggot.

I'm not gay.

He's not gay, we're not gay.

JACK:
Hey, I'm gay!
And I'm proud, okay?

What?

JACK:
We're three proud gay men!

Deal with it!

RAY:
It's alright to be gay.
It's okay.

TIM:
Nothing wrong with being gay.

PLAYER 1:
Three men and no baby.

What a bunch of fags.

JACK:
Sorry about that. Long story.

Please release me.
I need you to say it.

STUART:
What is it with
all the gay stuff?

I need you to say the words,
"I release you."

JACK:
Just do it.

Yes, okay, I release you.

VIVANTI:
Thank you, my darling.

You can't possibly imagine
how beautiful you are.

Goodbye.

RAY:
It's alright to be gay,
it's okay.

I'm not gay! He's not gay!
We're not gay!

PLAYER 1:
Yeah, right.

Come on, Brian. Let's go.

[CRYING]

JACK:
Fuck.

-[DOG BARKING]
-[BART TRAIN PASSING]

[BONG BUBBLING]

One 1000, two 1000,
three 1000, four 1000.

One 1000, two 1000, three 1000.

How come you're not counting?

I think it's mate.

For Christ's sake, Stuart.

[COUGHS]

It's checkmate.

Correct.

JACK:
If possible, I'd like to score
a bunch of this off of you.

Does that mean becoming
a regular smoker now?

Correct.

TIM:
One 1000, two 1000, three 1000.

One 1000, two 1000.

I just realized something.

I don't want just any woman.

I want a woman who actually
shops at Victoria's Secret.

I'm pretty healthy.

Why don't any of us
at least have a girlfriend?

We're three good guys
at home every night.

I've got a decent job.

We don't have girlfriends,
because we're here

at home all the time.

-What's become of us?
-I don't do drugs.

-TIM: What's become of us?
-So fuck you.

What's become of us,
is that we're bitter,

middle-aged losers.

I mean, we used to be
young and dopey,

but now we're--
we're middle-aged.

-I'm pretty healthy.
-And disgusting, I mean you--

-I'm not bitter.
-Neither am I.

You used to be,
you used to be pretty bright.

I'm not bitter.

And you, you used to
at least pretend that you cared.

I'm happy being single and 40.

JACK:
But now I mean,
you've both given up,

you've shut out the world
and I'm right here with you.

I'm happy being 40 and--

JACK:
Do you even care that
your roommate

And best buddy has
become a drug addict?

Doesn't it even bother you
that he doesn't care?

You're just going through
a hard time right now.

It doesn't matter how many times
you get knocked down in life.

What matters is that you get--
you get back up again.

It's hard work.

Harder than being miserable.

Yeah, harder than
being stoned 24/7

or playing video games
all day, too.

I'm happy being...

You're better than this!

[BART TRAIN PASSING]

You're better than this.

Yes. I know.

STUART:
I am happy being 40,

and single,
and emotionally withdrawn.

So are you.

STUART:
I am a rock.

Both of you.

I am an island. So fuck you.

[CHUCKLES]

[TIM STOMPING]

[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]

[BONG BUBBLING]

[VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]

[BUZZING SOUND]

[BUZZING STOPS]

[IN KOREAN]

[WEATHER REPORT IN KOREAN]

[BEEPING SOUND]

[BEEPING SOUND]

[BEEPING SOUND STOPS]

[RETCHING]

JACK:
How could I have a dream
in Korean?

I don't even understand Korean.

SARA: [VOICEMAIL RECORDING]
Hi, uh, Jack.

This is Sara.

You need to come by
the festival office

and pick up your print
by Friday.

JACK:
Relax.

You're just having
a psychotic break, that's all.

But then who put
the subtitles there?

SARA:
So, what do you do
when you're not--

♪♪♪ Laaaa!

Thank you.

--marketing your film?

JACK:
Um, I've got a lot going on.

Um, working on a new feature.
Several.

And um, I do systems admin
stuff at a high tech company.

SARA:
How's that?

It's, yeah, no, it's great.

It's very satisfying, I love it.

I'm gonna throw up again.

[KEYS CLANKING]

Let's go.

SARA:
Are you in a relationship?

I mean like a serious
relationship right now?

I'm sorry.

That's-- that's none of
my business, I guess.

No, no, it's fine.

Uh, yeah, I'm--
I'm in a relationship.

Several.

I mean, no, just one.

That's-- that's great.

Um, what's her name?

Beth.

Vivanti.

Bethanti.

What does Bethanti do?

I have no idea.

I have no idea how she
accomplishes so much each day.

Really, what does she do?

Like you know, for a living.

Beth is an academic.

Um, Vivanti.

Are you seeing two?

Wait a minute.

Are you dating Vivanti Ramadhi?

No, I-- I was dumped by Beth.

By both.

Oh.

Oh, so you work as
a systems administrator.

Part-time.

So it's great.

So you have more time to work
on your feature film projects.

Part-time is all they could
offer.

The struggles of
a young artist, right?

Actually, I'm 39.

Oh. Uh.

What are your long term plans?

Death.

Well, mine too.

Wow, we have so much in common.

TIM:
Hey, you wanna take
a quick break?

No.

How come you never want to?

Just don't.

Dude.

What?

Do you think it's true
what Jack said about me?

That I'm a drug addict?

I don't know. I don't
want to get involved.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

STUART:
Yeah, probably.

You think you are?

I know Tai Chi.

I have a watermelon.

I slice it in two.

One half for me.

STUART:
You think I'm--

One half for you.

STUART:
Totally addicted to video games?

You think I'm totally shut down?

Kind of.

JACK:
Okay, well, real success.

Real success is overcoming
adversity and being happy.

That's the story I'm here
to tell today.

Or at least pretending
to be happy.

Just as if one's learned

powerful transformative
life lessons

from all of one's failures.

And not at all
as if deep inside,

one's actually just running
down the clock until one dies.

Not that.

Not that.

Thank you again.
I'll just get some jumpers.

Jumper cables.

Nice location.

[BART TRAIN PASSING]

[SHRIEKS]

Welcome to my humble abode.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I wish I knew my grandparents.

I didn't really know them.

SARA:
Such serious expressions.

I wonder what
their lives were like.

What did they do?

JACK:
Yeah, one second.

Be right back.

[BEEPS]

BO JIMMY: [ON VIDEO]
Before we start killing,

[MACHINE GUN FIRE]

Bo Jimmy's gonna answer another
question from the mailbag.

"Dear Bo Jimmy,

why all this emphasis
on killing?

Why not focus on..."

REVIEWER 1:
Films with Asian characters
in them without being,

"Yes, I'm ethnic
and yes, I'm fucked."

[INHALES]

JACK:
They were stand-up comedians.

What do you mean
what did they do?

It was a hundred years ago.

They were farmers
like everybody else.

Hi, I'm Jack's grandfather.

I do stand-up
at a few local clubs,

but to pay the bills
I grow a crop called "rice".

Why don't you ever make films
that address race directly?

Oh man, um, well, no.

Really, Jack.

Why don't you?

Um, race isn't my thing.

White filmmakers don't have to
make films about being white.

You're not white.

No, I'm not
and I shouldn't be here.

What do you mean
you shouldn't be here?

I should be in Korea
and you should be in, you know,

China or whatever,

whatever backward gook nation
your family's from.

Gook nation? Did you really just
say gook nation?

Look, look,

we should be leading
our lives over there.

What is wrong with you?

JACK:
We shouldn't be here
speaking English,

making films and holding
film festivals about the fact

that we're in this other place.

It's like this
alternate timeline

science-fiction unreality thing.

Okay, you know what?
I'm actually really glad.

It's like we're dogs.

That you don't make
films that address race.

Living among monkeys.

Trying to pretend, you know,
everything's normal.

Because you're acting
like an Uncle Tom right now.

If dog world is where you
really think that you should be,

then why don't you
just go back there?

Look, we can't.

How can we?

We were born here.

Our families are here.

You're acting
like an Uncle Tom.

Like an Uncle Tom.

If you think that
Dog's World is where

you're supposed to be,
then why don't you--

[BANGING]

Stop it! Stop it! No!

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Jack, I know this is
gonna sound crazy.

JACK:
What?

But I think I love you.

I wanna be with you.

JACK:
Me too, I want to be
with you too.

In this life.

JACK:
Yes.

And-- and the next life
and the next one after that.

Until we're reptiles or Klingons
or whatever.

JACK:
Klingons. Yup.

This is my secret sanctuary.

I've never brought anyone here.

Not even my Mom.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Like an Uncle Tom.

If you think that Dog's World
is where you're supposed to be,

then why don't you
go back there?

What?

[WAVES CRASHING]

SARA:
And it was the same buzzing
you heard

when you dropped off
your film at my office?

JACK:
Yeah.

SARA:
Wow.

I do think about it. A lot.

JACK:
What do you think?

SARA:
How we're on this tiny rock

in the middle of
cold empty space

and how it's incredible
that there's nature, art,

love.

It's so incredible, right,
that we wanna explain it all,

but we can't.

About how we're
part of everything.

We're not separate or alone.

But we're not in charge
of how anything turns out.

Like, you know, if we're
successful or not.

We just live.

We die.

We lose everything and everyone.

But I think it's all okay.

Everything is okay.

We don't have to torture
ourselves
about every little thing.

[ECHOES]

Your dream made me
think of this.

It's all okay.

Somebody once told me that the
only thing real in this world

is love.

Everything else
is just an illusion.

You know?

It's like, even though
everything is totally,

irrevocably fucked up, right?

Everything's okay.

Because the only thing real--

The point is,

that every little thing
that we do matters.

Standing up for somebody.
For justice, for fairness.

Kindness to other people.

To yourself.

Creating things.

Even if it's not
some big art thing or--

Your films, they make me laugh.
They make me smile.

They're a part of,
we're all part of

something beautiful.

Don't you get it?
Don't you get it?

Don't you get it?
Don't you get it?

JACK:
Wait, is that
a philosophical statement

about the nature of reality?

Or is that more of a mantra
that you kind of tell yourself

to make yourself feel better?

Are you mocking me right now?
Are you mocking me right now?

-Are you mocking me right now?

No. I'm trying to understand
whether
or not to take that literally.

I'm trying.

If all this is actually
an illusion, a dream or--

Really hard.

If it's something to be
taken more metaphorically.

To open up
and you're just throwing

my words back in my face.

JACK:
Fuck.

Fuck.

Okay, can we stop?

JACK:
Wait, wait, wait. I definitely
wasn't trying to mock you or--

Just-- can you turn that off?

JACK:
Yes. Of course.

REVIEWER 1:
Yes, I'm ethnic
and yes, I'm fucked.

SARA:
You're so angry.

There's really something
wrong with you.

I'm having the thought that
there is something wrong with
me.

-[HORN HONKING]

Fuck you!

Hey guys, you wanna
grab some lunch?

You apologized already.

JACK:
Auto-focus is on.

Auto-iris is on.

Bo Jimmy don't like it
when Bo Jimmy looks around

and Bo Jimmy can't find
Bo Jimmy's AK-47!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh shit.

MOTHER:
He had a hard life.

But he did his best.

You and Dad,
you came here for us

and you sacrificed for us.

And uh, I failed you, I--

Ah.

He still proud of you,

even though he couldn't
express with the words, so.

JACK:
Hey, thanks for coming.

You guys are an hour early.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Hey.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Jack is lucky to have
such good friends.

I hope your friendship
last whole your life.

Thank you.

Thank you again.

Yes, your father and me had
a hard time, but so do you.

JACK:
There's no comparison.
I mean--

No, we had to struggle to
survive, but that's simpler.

I mean--

But it's not enough
for your generation.

I have it so easy.

My whole generation
has it so easy.

No, you have to be
successful and also happy.

But it's not easy to do.

It's a kind of torture.

[WIND BLOWING]

[SIGHS]

[CLICKS]

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey sorry,
I'm late obviously.

-You guys should start.
-Jack, it's Beth.

[SHRIEKS]

How are you?

I-- I'm pumped up.

I'm pumped up.

Mm-hmm.

How are you?

Oh, not so well.

-Jack, are you there?
-What can I do for you, Beth?

I just really wanted
to talk to you

and I've missed you
so much and I--

-Ah.
-What?

JACK:
How is the baby?

Have you had any additional
pregnancies since then?

I had a miscarriage.

JACK:
I'm sorry.

Thank you so much, Jack.

Is that the reason you
called or--

Jack, I made a terrible mistake.

Again?

What I did to you
was truly unforgivable.

- I am so sorry.
-Okay. Oh, well, thank you.

But you know--

I would love it
if we could meet for coffee.

JACK: [ON PHONE]
It's water under the bridge.

Let's both forget about it.

You know, I really have to
actually get going here.

You could come--
come visit here.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

Why?

We could chat for a little.

Chat? About what?

I'm sorry, I didn't
wanna do it like this.

JACK:
Chat about what?

Do what?

But I love you.

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG ARIA]

Well, thank you, Beth, but--

-I love you.
-I've gotta go here.

-I wanted to let you know

that I think we belong together.

Have you lost your mind?

We do not belong together!

Okay.

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG ARIA]

[DOOR SQUEAKING]

[♪♪♪ GOLDBERG ARIA]

[GRUNTS]

[PUNCHING]

[GRUNTING]

JACK:
You fucking coward!

PLAYER 2:
Fuck you!

Come on, come on!
Want some more?

Come on, come on,
have some more.

I am a bitter middle-aged loser.

Who the fuck says
shit like that?

I have fucking had it!

I have fucking had it.
I'm so tired.

[LAUGHING]

Ah, fuck.

[CLACKING]

We're all part of
something beautiful.

Don't you get it?

[REWIND SQUEALS]

BETH: [ON VIDEO]
I've gotta get
a grant proposal in, but--

[WIND BLOWING]

JACK:
Auto-focus is on,
auto-iris is on.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

JACK:
Okay.

[WAVES CRASHING]

MOVIE CHARACTER 4:
Okay, see, your first derivative

is 2X and your second
derivative is 2.

If you could just write that
in there, that'd be great.

[KNOCKING]

JACK:
Hello.

MOVIE ACTRESS:
It's so great to get
free calculus help.

JACK:
Hi.

MOVIE ACTRESS:
From someone who speaks
perfect English

and isn't it all
sexually threatening.

JACK:
This is for the contest.

Thank you.

How can I help you?

[DVD IN TRASH CAN]

[SIGHS]

When I was a kid,

when I was a kid,
I wasn't afraid of--

What I'd learned
from my failures to learn

from all of my failures

can best be summarized
by some great quotes

from literature and film.

"Wake up, time to die."

"The horror, the horror."

"Morons, your bus is leaving."

So I interviewed
some other people.

So it sounds like
you do believe in God.

Oh, yes, I do.

Well, I don't get to church
enough, but I wish I did.

I was afraid of God.

I'm still sort of afraid,
but I don't believe he exists.

Oh boy, I really wish I did.

Because God's gonna punish me.

No, no, no.

God is not something
to believe in.

God is what we are.

I'm definitely going to Hell.

The only thing real
in this world is love.

-My parents,
basically they believe

that the only true world
is the spiritual world.

The material world
is simply an illusion.

Everything else is an illusion.

-99% Of the population,

they get distracted with these
micro issues of spirituality.

-God is not a female.

He is male.

JACK:
Those interviews made me happy.

There are good people
out there who feel as bad

or possibly worse about
themselves than I do.

And it was a small sample size,

only five people
out of 7 billion.

I would love it if when we die

some wispy little white shadow
would float out of our bodies

and we'd live up eternally
with God in Heaven.

In the end, all I have
are beliefs about beliefs,

narratives about narratives.

God is-- is nature.

God is beauty. God is love.

But no, I don't believe that.

Yes, we're conscious.

We walk. We talk.

We think deep thoughts.
But it's all just physical.

Just neurons firing,
muscles twitching.

The only thing we know
is cogito, ergo sum.

I think, therefore I am.

We are all God.

I am God.

And you can be, too.

God's a man.

Everything else
we take on faith.

Basically, we're just
animated meat.

SARA: [ON VIDEO]
It's all okay.

Everything's okay.

But for all we know, we're--
we're all in the Matrix.

There's no
happily-ever-after bubble.

And that's all there is to it.

Animated conscious
slabs of meat.

Me-me-me-meat. Me-me-me-meat.

SARA: [ON VIDEO]
The only thing real
in this world is love.

L-l-l-love.

VIVANTI: [ON VIDEO]
We are all God.

I am God. G-G-G-God.

BETH:
I'm definitely going to Hell.

H-H-H-Hell.

JACK: [NARRATING]
Morons, your bus is leaving.

What else is there to say?

We've failed in this life.

We have no narrative,
no beliefs,

no fairy tales that
make this alright.

We have no useful words.

All we have is a sad--

FATHER:
Dance sequence!

JACK: [NARRATING]
Dance sequence.

[♪♪♪]

Yes, there is love.

Not like, "Oh my God,
I love you so much!"

"Help, get a restraining order!"

Not that. I mean,
I mean acts of love.

Standing up for somebody.

For justice.

For fairness.

Kindness to other people.

To yourself.

JACK:
And this video,

it's like my family's old
black and white photographs.

It's a souvenir from our
odyssey inside this illusion.

Okay, if I could have
one fairy tale be true,

it would be this.

Even though
everything is totally,

irrevocably fucked up, right?

That they live on.

Because every-- every kind
and brave thing

that they did,
every act of love,

makes you literally immortal
somewhere in the multiverse.

It's a nice fairy tale.

A hopeful narrative.

Anyway, who knows?

Because the only thing real
in this world is--

Meat.

Animated, conscious slabs of--

God. We are all God. I am--

Definitely going to hell.

-We are all--
-all in the Matrix.

-I love--
-Meat.

TIM:
The only thing we know is
cogito, ergo--

STUART:
Meat.

-VIVANTI: We are all--
-STUART: Meat.

VIVANTI:
You have no idea.

You can't possibly imagine.

[GIGGLING]

-Everything else is--
-Meat.

Animated, conscious slabs of--

Love.

Everything else is an illusion.

Everything else is an illusion.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING]

JACK:
Wow.

I love her smile.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm gonna take a picture, okay?

Okay.

[BUZZING SOUND]

What the hell is that buzzing?

Wait, you hear that?

JACK:
It's okay.

It's okay
if none of this is real.

Duh.

JACK:
Or if it is.

[KISS]

JACK:
You don't have to be all
successful and happy.

Just be a good person.

Enjoy the moments that you get.

WOMAN 3:
These are your grandparents.

GRANDDAUGHTER:
Yeah.

What did they do?

They worked in cubicles
like everybody else.

Ah.

Yeah, they were both
really nice to me.

[BEEPING]

[TYPING]

[BEEPING]

[♪♪♪]