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1
00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:04,921
{\an8}Hi, YouTube.
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,299
{\an8}Welcome to Rogu unbox candle.
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:11,469
Ooh, yeah,
I love unboxing videos.
4
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:14,889
All the thrill
of opening a box without all the stress!
5
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:17,767
You like this, but you refuse
to watch my YouTubes
6
00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:21,021
where I eat
dangerously old army food from World War II.
7
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:25,734
Ooh. "Spicy Apple Pie",
8
00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:28,027
"Old Car Smell",
9
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:31,532
and "Root Beer
With Your New Stepdad".
10
00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:34,617
[sniffs]
11
00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,411
Does he like it?
I hope he likes it.
12
00:00:36,412 --> 00:00:37,954
He always likes it!
13
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,790
Smell good.
14
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,875
Yes.
15
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:44,712
[coughing]
16
00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:49,516
{\an8}[groans]
17
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,301
Is he okay?
18
00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:53,386
Has anyone seen Rogu recently?
19
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,473
Oh no, this video
was posted three days ago!
20
00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:58,392
Rogu!
21
00:00:58,768 --> 00:00:59,935
[sniffs]
22
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,189
That smell...
23
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,609
I'll never be your dad,
24
00:01:07,610 --> 00:01:10,196
but I'd love to be your Doug.
25
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,240
Whoa, that was so real.
26
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:18,746
Hey anyone seen
an "87 Pistons Locker Room" candle lying around?
27
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,834
? Good morning, USA ?
28
00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:28,630
? I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
29
00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:31,508
? The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ?
30
00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:35,221
? And he's shining a salute
To the American race ?
31
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:41,184
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
32
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:44,063
? Good morning, USA ?
33
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,776
{\an8}? Good morning, USA ?
34
00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,948
I think he's feeling better.
35
00:01:53,949 --> 00:01:55,990
[burps]
36
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:57,367
[all] Aww.
37
00:01:57,368 --> 00:01:58,451
Gross.
38
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,954
{\an8}And of course
Roger's not here.
39
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,706
{\an8}He's always working at that
dang greasy spoon diner
40
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:06,668
{\an8}and now it's
our responsibility to take care of Rogu?
41
00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:10,296
{\an8}Not that I mind
spending time with him. Love the little stinker.
42
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:14,217
{\an8}Rogu and I share
a Roblox account, so we've seen some shit.
43
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:15,802
{\an8}Oof. My dogs are barking!
44
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,555
{\an8}Had to work a triple
'cause Miriam finally had her baby.
45
00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:20,390
{\an8}Cesarean, huge mess.
46
00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:25,728
{\an8}Long ass day, but it's
all worth it to bring home... eleven dollars?
47
00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:27,689
{\an8}Okay, what is it?
What's up everyone's butt?
48
00:02:27,690 --> 00:02:29,065
{\an8}Rogu is sick!
49
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:32,026
{\an8}He looks fine to me.
Probably needs a little snack.
50
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:35,905
{\an8}- Aah!
- Mama knows just how you like it Rogu,
51
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,491
{\an8}all powder.
52
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,703
{\an8}Roger, you're never around.
53
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,913
{\an8}And frankly,
even when you are,
54
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,999
{\an8}you're not much of
a father to Rogu.
55
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,628
{\an8}Father? Look at me!
Have some respect for the boobies...
56
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:54,090
{\an8}and call me Mama!
It's hard to be a single parent!
57
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:57,218
{\an8}I know you all got upset
when I drove to Atlantic City
58
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,053
{\an8}with Rogu
on the roof of my car,
59
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:01,431
{\an8}but I've been trying to
be better! I quit smoking,
60
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:03,850
{\an8}I got rid of a lot of
the asbestos in the attic,
61
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:06,561
{\an8}and I only let Rogu have
one wine cooler a day.
62
00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:08,271
{\an8}What more do you want from me?
63
00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:11,107
{\an8}You could potty train him
instead of just leaving pee pads all over.
64
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:14,110
{\an8}You could give him a bedtime,
or at the very least, a bed.
65
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:17,405
{\an8}You could save
his immortal soul and baptize him already!
66
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,115
{\an8}You guys overreact
about everything,
67
00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,783
Rogu doesn't even look sick.
68
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,369
[coughing]
69
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:24,913
That's a boredom cough.
70
00:03:24,914 --> 00:03:27,290
I know what will make
my baby feel better!
71
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,709
[Roger screaming]
72
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,087
[screaming]
73
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,965
Ha-ha! Got you again, Rogu!
74
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:38,301
Frickin' family
always judging me.
75
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,261
I'm sick of it.
I'm a great mama.
76
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,180
Ah, your Lunchable broke open.
77
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,307
There's little ham and cheeses
everywhere.
78
00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:48,311
I'd buy you a pretzel, but I spent my
last eleven bucks on this bottle of Lagunitas.
79
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,480
Water.
80
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:52,900
Ah, that's what
I'm talking about.
81
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:01,950
[mumbling]
82
00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:03,785
Hmm. Do you
need that guy, Rogu?
83
00:04:03,786 --> 00:04:06,454
Like, did he serve
an important role inside of you
84
00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,865
or was he more of like
a middle management type?
85
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,876
I guess he was important.
86
00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:19,342
Okay, I was finally
able to determine that Rogu is indeed sick.
87
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:20,843
Well, what are we going to do?
88
00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,012
We can't take him
to a regular doctor.
89
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:26,391
Why? Because
I'm a single mother and the world's against us?
90
00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:29,519
No, because he's an alien!
91
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,396
- Oh.
- I know an inexpensive-
92
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:34,273
I mean,
a great doctor we can see!
93
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,858
[Rogu groans]
94
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:38,194
It's a good thing
you brought him in!
95
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:40,113
He is clearly suffering.
96
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:44,367
I remember when he was just a little
tumor growing off your alien's head.
97
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,536
I know exactly what to do.
98
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:48,538
- [all sigh in relief]
- Great.
99
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,999
Oh, not this, I have to make
a quick work call.
100
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,544
Maureen, you sloppy bitch,
I need you to cover my shift tonight...
101
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:58,006
What? I never called you
a sloppy bitch! Where'd you hear that?
102
00:04:58,007 --> 00:05:02,510
Billy! I need twelve ounces
of the solution and my medium calipers.
103
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,012
With haste, Billy!
104
00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:06,222
Quickly now with the salve!
105
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:08,058
Salve me, Billy!
106
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,856
Now tuck your feet
and cross your arms...
107
00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:17,191
this is the tricky part...
108
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,568
[Rogu groans]
109
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,445
- Success!
- What?
110
00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:25,199
This is exactly the conversation
piece my wall of oddities was missing!
111
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,703
Stop squirming!
You're making streaks on the glass!
112
00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:30,413
This is what you were doing?
113
00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:34,877
Don't worry,
I'll backlight him so he looks very spooky.
114
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,878
[Rogu gasps]
115
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:39,338
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
116
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:42,009
Oh, I am! But not about this!
117
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,305
There's nowhere else
we can take Rogu,
118
00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:49,932
so we either
figure it out or he dies.
119
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,310
I'm gonna be on team
"Figure It Out",
120
00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,436
who's with me?
121
00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:54,687
- I'm with you!
- Me, too!
122
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,814
- We got this, gang.
- Are you [bleep] crazy?
123
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,608
We're not [bleep] doctors!
124
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,359
I don't even
clip my own toenails,
125
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,278
I go to
a licensed esthetician.
126
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,864
Oh, I am totally
bummed about Rogu.
127
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,659
But if something were
to happen to him, God forbid,
128
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:13,331
{\an8}I want you all to know that I can
fill in as the cute weirdo that everyone loves.
129
00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:16,459
Klaus eat too many
uncooked rices.
130
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:17,543
[Jeff] Hey!
131
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:20,463
Look how cute
and purple Rogu looks!
132
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,964
He's not breathing!
133
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,383
We need to do a tracheotomy
to get air into his lungs!
134
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,637
I just saw
Doc McStuffins do this to a penguin squeaky toy.
135
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,305
I need a straw!
136
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,432
You're gonna stab a hole
in his throat?
137
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,434
You have trouble opening
a Capri-Sun!
138
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,977
Pull yourself together!
139
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,729
Roger, where are his lungs?
140
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,106
I don't know!
141
00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:41,318
Doesn't know where his
son's lungs are... typical.
142
00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,155
- [Rogu groaning]
- Ugh.
143
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:49,075
[Steve] He's going from
lavender to indigo!
144
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,536
That wasn't his lungs!
145
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,248
[screams]
146
00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:57,417
Try again! Save my sweet baby!
147
00:06:58,377 --> 00:06:59,710
[gasping]
148
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,087
[exhales]
149
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,171
You did it!
150
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,923
That was scary.
151
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,218
{\an8}I don't know if I'll ever
be able to find any joy in life agai-
152
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,805
[laughing]
153
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:16,352
Wow, this is everything
we could possibly need.
154
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,896
It's cool the CIA
let you borrow all this stuff.
155
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,857
Well, at first,
Dr. Weitzman was like,
156
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:23,818
"Stan, you can't barge in and
take all my lab equipment."
157
00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:25,611
And then he was all,
"Please Stan,
158
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,615
don't leave me
in the trunk like this, I'll do anything!"
159
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,034
[chuckles]
160
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,661
[coughing]
161
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:36,414
Okay, Maureen flaked,
but I got Linda to cover for me.
162
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:39,542
I just have to snake-sit
for her while she's on the Train cruise,
163
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:41,711
a boat cruise
featuring the band Train.
164
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:43,880
Not to be confused
with the Cruise train,
165
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:47,884
a sexual position that requires Tom
Cruise and at least three other people.
166
00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:49,218
[Rogu gasps]
167
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:52,054
Roger! Get your disgusting
purse off my patient!
168
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:55,224
That purse is nasty.
I swear there's a rat living in it.
169
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:58,895
That's not a rat,
that's Rogu's pet gerbil, Mr. Business!
170
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:03,482
And let me tell ya,
Mr. Business is all play.
171
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,652
Okay, we have no idea
what's wrong with Rogu
172
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,906
but we need to somehow
figure it out and then cure him.
173
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,157
Do you hear yourself?
174
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,950
We have no idea
what we're doing,
175
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,410
Rogu is doomed!
176
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,162
Hayley! Get him out of here!
177
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:21,000
You fools! No one plays God
and gets away with it! Not even God!
178
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,460
Let's brainstorm.
179
00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:25,588
Let's hear everyone's thoughts
about how to save Rogu.
180
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:28,758
Okay, I grabbed every type of
medicine the CIA had.
181
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:31,552
We could just
start injecting Rogu with random stuff.
182
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,596
We sometimes do that
at work when we're bored.
183
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,556
Tuttle's a certified
Reiki healer.
184
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,600
I could make
his favorite soup,
185
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,560
Ramen cooked in
Diet Dr. Pepper-
186
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,729
Jeff, I noticed
you're being quiet.
187
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:46,275
I don't think I should
say my idea because I have no experience.
188
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,110
I've never been to the doctor.
189
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,779
That means
you have fresh eyes.
190
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,656
Tell us your idea, Fresh Eyes.
191
00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:54,450
Well, when I was curious
about myself,
192
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,578
Hayley got me a book all about
my body and me.
193
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,413
Maybe Roger has
a book like that.
194
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,415
That would be very helpful!
195
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,002
Roger, do you have
a medical book for your alien species?
196
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,754
Not sure, but I can check.
197
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:10,383
I do have a DVD of my species'
remake of Patch Adams
198
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:13,302
but our version is more
of a sexual thriller.
199
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,721
[Klaus]
? Yes, we have no bananas ?
200
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:18,391
? We have no bananas today ?
201
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,977
This is the kind of dumb crap
Rogu would do, right?
202
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:23,646
I'm using most of my energy
to make my eyes all wonky.
203
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,148
[groaning]
204
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:29,652
Hey, I did have a medical book
for my alien species!
205
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,028
And it's written in English?
206
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:33,239
Most stuff in the galaxy
is in English.
207
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,157
Frasier is that popular.
208
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,826
Wow, this book is perfect.
209
00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:40,329
It lists every illness
Rogu could possibly have.
210
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,580
Thank you, Jeff!
211
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,082
Jeff? It's my book!
212
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,792
Any idiot can own a book,
213
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:47,754
but Jeff had the genius idea
to look for a book.
214
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:50,132
[screams]
215
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:56,679
We can rule out
a Solar Sinus Infection and Nasal-Gumps
216
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,307
because Rogu doesn't have
a nose or ears.
217
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:00,683
Roger, are you going to help?
218
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:01,851
I am helping!
219
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:04,854
I'm loving my son
the way only a mama can!
220
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,272
Is that an energy drink?
221
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,024
Chill out, it's apple juice.
222
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:11,277
Well, a hard cider.
It's the only way I can get him to eat his fruit!
223
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,029
[sneezes]
224
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,865
Check it out,
we've narrowed it down to just two diseases.
225
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:18,451
Great! Let's give Rogu
the cure for each of those.
226
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:21,537
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The wrong medicine could kill him.
227
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,998
Shoot! This is
way too complicated!
228
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,542
I finally get why doctors
are all such assholes.
229
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:29,378
[chuckles nervously]
Sorry about freaking out earlier.
230
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:33,049
I did a guided meditation, I'm popping
my calming bubbles. I'm ready to help.
231
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:36,886
Good news,
we've figured out that Rogu either has AstroPox
232
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:39,055
or Cranial Vein Thrombosis.
233
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:43,392
Perfect, those are two very-normal
not-completely- made-up-sounding diseases.
234
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:47,229
Are we sure he doesn't
have Gloop-Gloop or Slorg-Borg?
235
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,522
Oh no! What's happening?
236
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,565
He's having a seizure!
237
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,233
[gasps]
238
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:54,488
We gotta sedate him!
I'll get the medicine, you restrain him!
239
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:56,822
I'll get his arms-
240
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,282
[high-pitched]
You guys grab his legs.
241
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,826
Why does Mr. S
sound like a lady?
242
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,578
[high-pitched]
Never mind I think I get it.
243
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,580
Not so funny now, huh, Jeff?
244
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,749
Will you two please-
245
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,200
[low-pitched]
Knock it off.
246
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:10,920
[groaning]
247
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,130
[exhales]
248
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,509
Hey, can I get
one of those shots to mellow me out?
249
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:18,928
Come on, I quit smoking,
I need something!
250
00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:21,555
How about a hug?
251
00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:23,546
[high-pitched]
You're bad at hugging.
252
00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:28,604
Lab work
always calms my nerves.
253
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,982
Let's relax
and take a look at this sample of Rogu's blood.
254
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,027
[? rock music playing]
255
00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:37,455
[exclaims]
256
00:11:40,659 --> 00:11:42,159
[groans]
257
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,120
Sweetie,
you look a little warm.
258
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,789
I think
you might have a fever.
259
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,669
Hey! It says here that
Cranial Vein Thrombosis
260
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:53,712
only occurs
in children under two.
261
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,090
That means if Rogu
is older than two...
262
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:57,967
We would know he has AstroPox!
263
00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,136
Roger! How old is Rogu?
264
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,804
Um...
265
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:05,641
- Are you kidding me?
- Doesn't know how old his son is... Wow.
266
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:09,145
Of course I know! And I happen
to have Rogu's baby book in my purse.
267
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,604
In here somewhere...
268
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:13,983
Knott's Berry Farm
park map from 2008...
269
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,485
some of these rides are gone,
I don't wanna lose this...
270
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,987
I'm sorry,
what am I looking for?
271
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:19,572
Oh, baby book!
272
00:12:19,573 --> 00:12:23,742
I can now confidently
tell you that Rogu is... three years old.
273
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,495
Bam! I know my son's age,
suck it!
274
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,123
Rogu has AstroPox!
275
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,125
[all cheering]
276
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:33,086
Let's cure
this freak of nature!
277
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,842
- That's a good sign, right?
- I'm not sure.
278
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:43,637
- Is that a good twitch,
Francine? - Leave me alone, Stan!
279
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,307
[? funky music playing]
280
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:53,397
? I got the special sauce
To make the whole world dance ?
281
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:57,693
? I found the secret plans
For getting in your pants ?
282
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,654
This seems like a good sign!
283
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:05,452
Listen to him shred!
Rogu's back, baby!
284
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,833
[? guitar playing off-key]
285
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,624
Rogu? You okay, honey?
286
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,084
You gonna finish your song?
287
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,044
[groans]
288
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:16,837
[Steve] We killed him!
289
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,881
We're gonna burn!
290
00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:22,885
But hell is too good a place
for what we've done.
291
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,470
Oh, God,
292
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:28,891
that was what is known as a
Pre-Death Funky Energy Rush.
293
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:31,393
How could this happen?
[coughs]
294
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,687
[sobbing]
295
00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,981
- [Francine coughs]
- Oh, I believe I know how this happened.
296
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:38,901
- Rogu's baby book is blank.
- [all gasp]
297
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:41,946
Okay fine, I don't know
how old he is! Are you happy now?
298
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:45,407
[coughs] No, because
you made us give him the wrong medicine!
299
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:47,284
I'm sorry!
300
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,703
All I wanted was one moment
where everyone thought I was a good parent.
301
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:52,206
But look what I did to my son.
302
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:56,336
[sighs] For the first time in
my life, I'm gonna do the right thing.
303
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,007
I'm gonna abandon my child.
304
00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:05,261
{\an8}- [Klaus coughing]
- Not now, Klaus.
305
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:07,137
{\an8}I didn't say anything yet!
306
00:14:07,138 --> 00:14:10,808
{\an8}I was simply going to
ask if any of you felt a little off?
307
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:12,560
Now that you mention it,
308
00:14:12,561 --> 00:14:14,436
I'm starting to feel like
I'm dying.
309
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:15,814
[coughing]
310
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:18,732
Babe, what's happening?
311
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,276
Rogu must be contagious!
312
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:22,903
Whatever the hell he has,
now we've caught it too!
313
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:24,655
But I have lunch plans!
314
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:28,075
You're never eating
lunch again because we're all going to die!
315
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:30,328
[coughing]
316
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,956
{\an8}No, I'm not supposed to
go this way,
317
00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:37,877
{\an8}I'm supposed to
be shot and killed by Shakira's bodyguards!
318
00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:43,299
I'll be back
to take your orders.
319
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:46,969
This isn't a menu.
It's an eight by ten of a monster.
320
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,470
That's my son, Rogu.
321
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,806
He's very sick
but he's a strong boy.
322
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:53,309
He once ate a bicycle
in one sitting.
323
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:55,185
Slurped it up like spaghetti.
324
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:58,314
Strong. He always gets the
biggest soda at the movies,
325
00:14:58,315 --> 00:14:59,815
like a muscleman.
326
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,734
[sobbing]
327
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:05,947
- Can we get
waters and, um... utensils. - No.
328
00:15:06,469 --> 00:15:09,825
Are we still
waiting on one more?
329
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,411
Our mate
Jeff Fischer ain't 'ere
330
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:15,331
cause 'e an 'is
'ole family is sick.
331
00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:17,333
Oh, no, now they're sick?
332
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:20,169
Hold up, I'm sorry...
What is with this random-ass crew?
333
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:22,588
Sllort, Marty,
the Working Class Brit
334
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,548
who owns the sunglass place
at the mall,
335
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,508
Tommie Tokes,
and Wilbur Kentucky?
336
00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:29,637
Well, aren't you
a sweet looking thing.
337
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:30,846
You're all friends?
338
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:32,890
Jeff introduced us all.
339
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:37,186
'E's a real curator
of personalities.
340
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:39,521
God I just want to quit
and sit down with y'all
341
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,524
but I gotta not quit
and just leave!
342
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,277
[table of randoms]
Grunklebean!
343
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,115
- [coughs]
- Oh, ew.
344
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,910
Roger... save us.
345
00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:55,204
Don't worry,
I'm here to rescue you.
346
00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:57,539
Oh, I know what always helps,
a humidifier!
347
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,834
You traded it for
a button maker on Craigslist.
348
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,295
Oh, yeah.
349
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:06,549
It's official.
Everyone's gonna die.
350
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,260
[Roger gasps]
351
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,472
Rogu love you. Aw.
352
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,473
There's more!
353
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,225
Rogu believe in you.
354
00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:18,060
But stop spinning.
355
00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:20,562
- Spin make Rogu-
- [vomiting]
356
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,399
Oh, sweetie,
that means the world to me.
357
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,235
This whole time I've been
worried what other people think of me,
358
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,404
but you're
all that matters, Rogu.
359
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,031
I'm not giving up!
I'm gonna save you, Rogu!
360
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,866
What about us?
361
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,787
I'm saving everyone,
time permitting.
362
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,082
[sniffs] Mmm.
363
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:42,292
Love that toxic smell.
364
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,002
Toxic smell?
365
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,921
Toxic smell, of course!
366
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,924
Rogu started getting sick
when that box of candles arrived!
367
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,135
It's the candles!
368
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:54,012
Huh. Says that the ingredients
are all organic...
369
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:57,266
probably full of it like Amy
and her bullshit burritos.
370
00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:58,600
[sniffs] Smells fine though.
371
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,520
Only one way to really know...
372
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,439
Crap, that's good.
373
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,066
These are delicious.
374
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:09,570
But if it's not the candles
making everyone sick, what else could it be?
375
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,656
It's not playtime,
Mr. Business.
376
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,241
Mr. Business!
377
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,243
Hmm?
378
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:19,747
Wow. The smell of
these packing bubbles is taking me back.
379
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,582
Reminds me
of that crazy summer
380
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,793
I spent in Pyongyang
working at the sarin gas factory.
381
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:27,087
Steve, did I ever tell you
about that crazy summer
382
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:30,132
I spent working in Pyongyang
at the sarin gas factory?
383
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:33,594
I just... want to die...
384
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:37,806
That's funny, that's what everyone
in the sarin gas factory was always saying!
385
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,309
Wait a second, sarin gas!
386
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:44,646
Made in a facility that
processes peanuts and sarin gas!
387
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,982
That's it! That's what's
making everyone sick!
388
00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:48,443
I did it, I figured it out!
389
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,111
Dance with me, Stan!
390
00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,323
- Help us.
- Fine.
391
00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:57,451
Google says the first thing
to do is to get you some fresh air
392
00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:59,287
and I know the perfect place!
393
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,916
Where am I?
394
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,667
Oh, my God!
395
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,087
[all screaming]
396
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,801
Thank you, Roger.
You saved our lives.
397
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,512
And you bought us
Dippin' Dots!
398
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,430
But Rogu's still sick,
399
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,516
so it couldn't have been
the sarin gas.
400
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:23,101
- Not to worry, I won't
rest until I figure out- - [EKG flatlining]
401
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,521
Can someone turn off
that tea kettle or whatever is?
402
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,022
It's Rogu's heart monitor!
403
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:29,359
But luckily it's only
one of his three hearts.
404
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,529
[EKG flatlining]
405
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,321
[Francine] Hayley?
406
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,699
I'm so sorry, Roger...
407
00:18:38,236 --> 00:18:40,327
Nothing...
408
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,454
My sweet Rogu is gone?
409
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:46,375
What started off as a tumor
growing from your head
410
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,460
became a part of our family.
411
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,212
We all loved Rogu,
412
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:54,550
but no one had a more beautiful
connection than what you two had.
413
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:55,968
Wait. What did you just say?
414
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,719
I honestly have no idea.
415
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,848
Once something
is out of my mouth, it's like a fart in the wind.
416
00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:03,308
Tumor... connection...
417
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,060
Oh, my God! That's it!
418
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:08,355
Rogu is a giant tumor
that grew off of me.
419
00:19:08,356 --> 00:19:10,023
And we're still connected.
420
00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:12,693
So anything I do
directly affects Rogu.
421
00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:14,069
When I quit smoking,
422
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,404
it might have been
good for me,
423
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,197
but it was terrible
for Rogu, because-
424
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:18,907
Because he's a tumor!
425
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:20,826
Smoking is good for a tumor!
426
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:24,246
Exactly! But Steve, don't cut me
off again this is kinda my big moment.
427
00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:26,540
- We can still save Rogu?
- I think so,
428
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:28,959
I just need to do stuff
that's good for tumors.
429
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,210
Like what?
430
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,588
Someone nuke me!
431
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,305
It's working!
432
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:46,351
Yeah, but to fully heal him,
I'm gonna need to do a whole lot more.
433
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,936
[? rock music playing,
Bon Jovi "Bad Medicine"]
434
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:51,189
Oh, sick, love this song.
435
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:55,110
? Your love
is like bad medicine ?
436
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,779
? Bad medicine
is what I need ?
437
00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:02,618
? Oh, oh, oh, shake it up
just like bad medicine ?
438
00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:06,623
? There ain't no doctor
that can cure my disease ?
439
00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,133
{\an8}What up, sluts?
440
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:19,593
[all] Rogu!
441
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:23,472
Roger, I'm sorry for
ever judging your parenting.
442
00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:25,307
Everything
we nagged you about,
443
00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,601
the smoking,
the asbestos in the attic...
444
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,811
was actually keeping
Rogu healthy!
445
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,314
{\an8}You really are
one hell of a mama.
446
00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:35,609
{\an8}Aw, you guys are too sweet.
447
00:20:35,610 --> 00:20:38,445
{\an8}Rogu! Thank God you're okay.
448
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:40,656
{\an8}I was so worried about you!
449
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:42,241
{\an8}Then what that?
450
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:47,538
{\an8}That old thing?
It's been there for years!
451
00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:49,331
{\an8}[Klaus groans]
452
00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:51,501
{\an8}He's got his strength back!
453
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,835
{\an8}Man, what a day.
454
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,047
{\an8}This was all one day?
455
00:20:56,097 --> 00:21:00,647
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