Original subtitles

(LIGHT MUSIC)

- # Nothing about you is what it seems.

# You leave behind a trail of broken dreams.

# Just another victim of your crimes.

# Cursed to love you till the end of time.

- (GRUNTS)

Oh!

- # I wish I didn't want you.

# I wish I didn't need you.

# It must be the devil's work you do. #

- I had to pull a lot of favours to get you this audition.

- You literally say that every time you get me an audition.

- Makes me sound important, doesn't it?

- Now, you guys might be wondering what we're doing with all of these meaty treaties

out here on the table. - It is the event on the social calendar,

and we're happy to welcome Trev, butcher extraordinaire.

Trev, what can we look forward to at this year's Meat Gala?

- Lou's looking good. Very dewy. - It's a pre-record.

There is no way she could be around that much meat this early in the morning

and have such even skin tones.

- And who are we predicting will take out the top award this year?

- Well, it will either be lamb or beef.

- Maybe chicken? - Not chicken!

Lamb or beef, I said.

- It's the hottest ticket in town � that Meat Gala. I was backed up for days last year.

Way too much meat. - Way too much information.

Anyway, back to me � this whole thing.

Why are you being so cagey on the details? You know I like to prep. - Not for this. You're a natural.

- That's what you said about the Chesticle infomercial.

- It is not my fault the market was not ready for a moulded pectoral chest plate.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Someone else for an AA meeting?

- I had the name first. - I don't know if you did.

- Come in if you're good looking! - And not an alcoholic!

- I can admit to one of those things. (LAUGHS)

- You can admit to both, Trev, you and dirty old love rat. - Come here, you bimbo.

Oh, Vincent Walters, as I live and breathe.

It is my pleasure to meat you (LAUGHS) and your small goods.

- I s-see what you did there.

- So, uh, we're on the hunt

for a host for this year's Meat Gala.

And I was having a natter with the guys at the office, and we thought you would be a perfect fit,

because who knows better about getting your meat out in front of a crowd than this guy? (LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHS) Are you serious? - You want work.

- Now, this is a mere formality, OK?

We just want to see if you've got the chops for the gig. - (CHUCKLES)

- A bit of advice on this kind of crowd � they enjoy self-defecating content.

- You mean deprecating, right? Self-deprecating? - Leave the jokes for me, big guy.

Anyway, (WHISTLES) there you go. I wrote that.

I'm a bit of a comedian, so let's see if you can make the gags land.

Up you get. I want to see the full bells and whistles.

- Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the annual Meat Gala.

There is sausage on the menu tonight, but I promise...

I won't be getting mine out. - (CHUCKLES, CLAPS) - (LAUGHS FORCEFULLY)

- Keep going, keep going. There's more where that came from.

- There's also a special this evening.

My personal fave � meat and two veg.

Really running with a theme I see.

Listen, I, uh� I don't think I'm the right person for this gig.

I'm sorry.

(TENSE MUSIC)

- You're not, uh,

chickening out on me, are you, mate?

This Meat Gala is high steaks,

and I don't want my head on the chopping block, if you know what I mean.

- SOFTLY: In amongst all those puns, yeah, I think I know what you mean.

- Good on you, mate. OK, let's go from the top.

And this time, with feeling, as they say. (LAUGHS)

Let's go.

- Uh, good evening, everyone, and welcome to the annual Meat Gala.

Well, that was degrading. Won't be getting that gig. - (SIGHS) Stay positive.

'Don't call us. We'll call you,' can mean a lot of things.

I mean, yeah, it could mean you're a loser, and you screwed that up.

Or it could mean, you know, maybe they like to toy with your emotions.

Vincie, if we want better work, we need to make that bogan lady from the hospital disappear.

(CAR LOCK CHIRPS)

- Are you� (SOFTLY) Are you talking about killing her? - What? No.

No. I mean, are you talking about killing her?

- No, no, I� - Because I� I could if you want. You just give me a nod.

- I don't want you to kill her.

- That was a nod. - It wa� It wasn't a nod.

I'm not nodding. - I'm seeing more nodding. - I'm not. This is not�

This is just no. No. - Right, I'm just saying...

I know where I'd put her body. - Alexis, we're not gonna kill her, OK?

I'll go over there, and I'll talk to her like a normal human being. - (SCOFFS)

You want backup, then? - I think it's safer for everyone if you just keep your distance.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(CAT MIAOWS)

(MUFFLED CLANKING, CAT MIAOWS) - Bray! You better not have put the cat on the ceiling fan again!

Uh, you do realise we don't have a self-answering door, Bray?!

- Oh.

Hello, little fella. How are ya?

- What do you want? - To be honest, not to be here right now.

Is, uh...

Mummy around?

- SHOUTS: Mum!

That loser's at the door. - Your father's not supposed to be picking you up till tomorrow.

Hold your bloody hose! I'm coming.

Oh, Vince Walters. (CHUCKLES)

If I had known a celebrity was here, I wouldn't have worn anything at all. (CHUCKLES)

Did you see anything? - Uh, no. Just your delightful son.

What a little sweetheart he is (!) - Isn't he just?

- Mm. It's always nice to meet a future inmate.

How has Brenton been? - Brayden? Still very much cancery, thanks.

Who's asking? - Just me. Uh, just felt like a question I should ask.

Real reason I actually popped over was to have a bit of�

- Bray! Stop that, or you'll leave footprints on the couch!

- Uh, was just wanting to have a conversation sort of person to person,

you know, without the money-grubbing, snaky, attractive lawyers.

Maybe we could, uh, come to an arrangement?

- Have you come here to hush me up?

You come here to shush my bush, Vince?

- I just wanted to reach a common ground�

- 10,000. - What?

- 10,000 cash right now �

we can put this thing into drive and just... move forward.

- I just lost my job. I don't have $10,000 to give you.

- Oh, well, we can put the cash car back in park and you'll be hearing from my lawyer, spunk.

Ooh, actually, we could add in standover tactics and stalking.

Yeah, I don't actually feel safe in my own home right now. - I'm sorry I came over.

- Yeah. You take care now. Don't call us! We'll call you.

Unless you wanna have sex, because...

you can just text me about that. - No sex stuff!

(CAR WINDOW WHIRRS) - (COUGHS, HACKS)

- Oi, don't let that out. It's precious stuff.

- Are you sure this is gonna work? - Well, since your little visit was such an epic fail,

I had to come up with plan B, didn't I? Trust me, this is gonna work.

Just� It's just a little bit of open communicating; a little bit of sharing your namby-pamby feelings;

and then just a little leak to gossboss.com.

Hey presto � brand repair complete. - (EXHALES HEAVILY)

- You could be like New Zealand's Kevin Spacey. Think about that. - Spacey has not made a comeback.

(COUGHS)

- Don't let it out.

- How does that make you feel? - I feel uneasy,

uh, being psychoanalysed by a 21-year-old

who looks like she should be chewing her face off at a three-day music festival, so...

- Right. Well, I am 27 and fully qualified, so...

- Mm, I also feel a little bit disturbed, to be honest, to be sitting next to my former co-host,

who also happens to be my ex-wife, who also happens to be my, um, current wife, publicly,

because apparently that was better to stay together for 'the ratings'.

- This was your idea. - No, credit where credit's due.

- Are you posting this? - No, I'm doing a Wordle. Wordling up the words.

- Lou, I just wanted to get together today

and have a discussion about, the best way to move forward is

safely and in a supportive environment,

you know, professionally and personally speaking.

- I guess that's a good step. You've always struggled to articulate yourself emotionally.

Hasn't he, darling?

- I'm not here. - You know what that is? Trauma.

Yeah, long-lasting stuff as well

from seeing her father brutally betrayed.

- I don't have a problem with expressing my emotions.

In fact, the last three times I was intimate, I shed tears.

- Yeah, cos the last three times you were intimate, you were doing it by yourself.

- That's childish. - Sorry. Who are you, and why are you here?

- Oh, I forgot to mention too. Also, that's my weasel of an ex-boss who just sacked me

and is not-so-secretly in love with Lou �

something she meticulously uses to her advantage.

- That is offensive. - It is, yeah.

- Oh, PS, I invited the weasel just hoping to impress him into giving Vince his job back.

So if you can work that in� - Not how this works. Sorry.

- Just so you know, I can hear everything you're saying.

- I actually have something that I would like to share.

I want a divorce. - ALEXIS, VINCE: You want a divorce?

- I'm so pleased I cancelled my facial.

- None of us can move forward if we're tied to this marriage. - Hear, hear.

- I have career goals, and if I want to take over and host the Mike Martin Tonight�

If I want to achieve those goals, then it's probably best if we're not attached.

- (EXHALES HEAVILY) Wow, divorce.

OK. I didn't see that coming. - It'll be a relief to everyone to make this official and go public.

No more keeping up appearances. - It's a good idea. - Yeah.

Seems like the sensible thing to do.

- Right. Well, this was a productive session. - Yeah, It was.

- I can do Tuesday, 10.30 next week?

- Yeah, so can I.

- OK.

- Uh, hey, Lou.

Hey, if you ever need to talk,

I just want you to know that I� I'm not just your boss, but also a friend.

I mean, still your boss, but a friendly one.

And I am very in touch with my feelings, which enables me to be in touch with yours.

You know? - Evie!

- Ooh, I did not see that divorce truck coming.

(PHONE DINGS) - I might just stay here for the rest of my life.

- Not when you hear this, you won't. (GASPS)

You got it.

We're going to the Meat Gala!

- Did you just say Meat Gala? - Only the pinnacle of animal execution and fashion.

And your daddy is gonna be the host.

- You're hosting the Meat Gala? - Yeah, he's hosting the Meat Gala.

And I mean, who doesn't like the Meat Gala? - Vegetarians probably.

- Chef de Graw's cooking this year. Please, can I go? Please, please, please!

- Vince, the gig comes with a plus-one. - (GASPS) Yes!

- And you know what's even better than hanging out with your daughter?

The $10,000 fee.

- $10,000? - Minus my 10% commission, obviously.

- Sorry, guys. Um, if you guys could just go?

I've got to take a pill and head to a drum and bass gig.

- Hi, guys, I just wanted to jump on here real quick and give you a little update on the court case.

So this is my boss bitch lawyer Heidi.

Say hi, Heidi! - FLATLY: Hello.

- She's kind of like Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, except I think she's illegally blonde.

You dye that, eh? - We talked about this meeting being a phone-free zone.

- Yeah, she's got a few greys coming through because she's a lawyer. Pretty stressful.

Anyway, so we have a little update on the court case.

We are gonna sue the pants off Vince Walters.

(LAUGHS) Get it?

Because he took his pants off in front of me and my kid.

And we are still both deeply scarred by the whole thing,

aren't we, Brayden? - Sorry. I can go back inside.

- It's all right. It's a free balcony.

- (SIGHS)

That woman is making me slowly lose the will to live.

- Well, thanks to you, that woman is slowly destroying my life.

But thanks to me, I might have found a way out of said life destruction.

- Oh yeah? - Mm.

- Sounds dubious. Not that I want to hear about it, please. Thank you.

- Neighbour to neighbour? - No.

- Off the record? - Absolutely not.

- Come on. I know you're dying to know. - No, I'm really not.

- So I found a really good website... - No! No, no.

- ...called hireahitman.co.nz. - # La la la la!

- I've got this great guy. His name's Shark. - # La la la la! #

- He's got, like, a glass eye and stuff. - OK, lovely catching up!

- Yeah. His hobbies include

making people disappear! - I can't hear a single word you're saying!

- He's very affordable, very competitive price! - No, I haven't heard any of it.

- Yeah. - Bye! - Bye.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Welcome. Come in, come in.

- Oh, wow!

Prince Vince's castle.

What an honour. (CHUCKLES)

Where's the missus?

- Oh, uh...

She's (STAMMERS) out getting, uh�

Gymmer. - Gymmer?

- Yeah, going to the gym and getting dinner as one trip.

Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

I mean, you can tell she kills it with the multitasking.

- Wilmington?

It's vintage.

- Top shelf.

Have we changed our minds about getting... physical?

- Uh... - I mean, if I had have known, I would've worn my fancy knickers.

- Knickers aren't important right now. What is important is

I can get you your $10,000.

- Wow.

Who's the little talking turkey?

Gobble, gobble. - 10,000.

Minus 10% agent fees, obviously. And taxes. You got to pay taxes.

- Oh, taxes are unavoidable, but, hmm,

it's not quite the nice, round figure of 10,000 that I was thinking.

- Yeah. Uh, I thought you might say that.

And that's why...

I'm gonna be throwing in some extras.

(INTRIGUING, SULTRY MUSIC)

It's just behind this door.

- SOFTLY: What is?

- WHISPERS: My playroom.

- WHISPERS: Sweet, sweet

freebie Jesus.

Is that it Dusty Hobbs 2021 Air Fryer?

(GASPS) A V8 Tyson cordless vacuum cleaner � powerful and versatile and low noise?

(SIGHS LUSTFULLY) - Yep, with state-of-the-art detangling technology.

It's a collection of every freebie I've sold my soul for over the last 20 years.

A large part of me has died inside thanks to this room, and you can help yourself.

- It's a deal. - Uh-uh-uh.

It's only a deal if we can forget about this messy legal business

and put this whole nasty fiasco behind us.

- You know, we get so much free stuff because everyone thinks that Brayden is sick,

but nothing like what is in that room of yours.

Oh, is this... what I think it is?

- Oh, that? Yes, just some stupid little thing I'm hosting.

- The Meat Gala is not a stupid little thing.

It's like the social event of the year. It's like the...

pinnacle of animal execution and fashion. If you're�

If you're hosting it, then surely they must have given you a plus-one. - Uh, no, unfortunately.

- Then how come it says, 'Vince Walters plus one' on the invite?

- (SIGHS)

- Vince.

Come on.

You and I both know what happened here tonight was

beautiful and magical and beyond my wildest dreams.

But I don't think the law takes too kindly to bribery.

So, yes, Vince,

I would love to be your plus-one to the Meat Gala.

That is, if you want this...

nasty legal nonsense to go away.

(SLURPS)

Mm.

Tastes like justice.

(QUIRKY, JAZZY MUSIC)

- (SIGHS)

- I will never understand why society frowns upon child labour.

Look at that. - It's just one of the recipes from Chef de Graw's book.

I'm gonna get him to sign it tonight, and my knives.

- Oh. That is a lot of knives for a little girl.

Don't take this personally. You'll stab me.

But, Auntie Alexis � she can't have too much meat tonight, not after what happened last year.

But you know what? I could murder a scotch.

And looks like your daddy could use one as well. Be a darling?

- Hey. I'm having second thoughts about tonight.

That man Trev is truly frightening. - Oh, Vince, it'll be fine.

- That's what you said about the Scientology conference. - Yeah, you escaped.

- It took six months! And six months of therapy.

- Ah.

- Thank you, sweetheart. - I am so excited to meet Chef de Graw tonight.

- (CHUCKLES) Me too, darling.

Look.

- Oh. - Look.

- Eugh! - If I don't take her, she is going to roast me.

- Yeah, but you said you'd take that kid with the knives.

- You mean my daughter? - Mm.

- Can you just ask Trev for another ticket or something, please?

- Not without giving him another handjob, and the RSI... I can't.

- Bethanae said she'd make it all go away if I took her.

- Looks like you've got a decision to make, my bald friend/client.

Pity my bowels.

(VINTAGE POP MUSIC)

- (CHUCKLES) Wow, look at you.

- The double-breasted front allows added protection when flambeing.

- Well, this calls for a flambe photo.

Say, 'Premium beef mince,' on three. - Premium beef mince! (PHONE CHIMES)

- Hey, Eves, about tonight� - I cannot wait.

I've been thinking of all the things to ask Chef de Graw.

See, I've even written a note on my arm.

- That was just, um, the organiser on the phone.

He, uh� He's not sure if it's an appropriate environment for a child. Could be all sorts of bad language.

- What, like butt-face? - Yeah, I guess someone could say butt-face, yeah.

- And idiot brains? - Yeah, yeah. That too.

- And motherfucker? - OK, let's� let's not start listing them all off, eh?

- I've heard it all before with you in the car.

'Yeah, it's called merging like a zip, you dumb mother�'

- Oh yeah, I need to really remember you're in the vehicle sometimes, don't I?

And just so you know, that zip-merging system is integral to traffic flow.

OK? - I'll be fine, Dad. I can handle this.

Plus... (KNIFE SCRAPES)

...I have these. - Wow.

OK.

(SIGHS)

All right, come on. Get in here.

Meat Gala on One, two, three. Meat Gala!

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Over here, Vince. Hey. - Vince, right here.

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)

- Oi. - Jesus.

- You wearing your Spanx? - Yeah, of course. Don't leave home without 'em.

- Yeah, samesies. Got my colonic booked for 9.30 tomoz.

What's going on with you? - Eh?

- You didn't take those laxatives already, did you? - No, no, no, no, no.

- And your date is...

interesting choice. - Yes and...

no. - Yeah, that's gonna be zero stars for you, buddy.

I saw you perving at me. - Come.

Listen, full disclosure � I didn't choose anyone. - Oh, the coward's way.

Lily-livered, spineless, pussyfooting� - Yes, yes, all of that.

What do I do? - What are you guys doing in here?

(GASPS) Don't tell me. It's a surprise part of the event, isn't it?

- This could be good PR. - What could be good PR?

Isn't that the pants lady? - WHISPERS: Work it.

- (GROANS)

End me now.

Hey! - Vincie! There you are.

- Mwah! - I was waiting for my carriage. (CHUCKLES)

Don't worry. I'll send you the receipt for my Uber.

- Pants man, Vince, you plan to keep your pants on tonight? (LAUGHTER)

- Little joke there, I see. - And who's the lucky lady?

Is this your date for the night? - No, no, no, she's no one. - You bet your sticky bikkie I am.

- She is not attached to me in any way. - I am his plus-one. (GIGGLES)

- EVIE: I'm his plus one.

- Oh, no, sweetie. You see, I'm actually Vince's date tonight.

But, hey, if things go well, you might get to call me Mummy later. (GIGGLES)

- Dad, she's suing you!

- Vince, are you taking advantage of your emotionally damaged victim?

- No! No! - Yes he is.

And keep in mind that you spell the victim's name with an accent on it.

It's Bethanae. It's French. Tag me, @PantsMum, in all the pictures.

Do you think we've got enough angles? OK, here we are. Bam! Bam!

Ha! - Oi, butt-face!

- SOFTLY: Darling, I can explain. - So can I. You were gonna leave your own daughter

for a woman who is taking you to court! - Listen, when you put it like that,

it sounds really bad. - I want to see Chef de Graw!

- OK. All right, that's enough. Back off, snappies! I will come for you in your bed!

- Listen, I'm so sorry.

- Vincie, are we gonna go in now?

- (SHOUTS) (GASPING) - Knives!

- WOMAN: The vegans are here. They're taking hostages!

- Listen, this is not what it looks like! (GASPING, SCREAMING)

I'm the host. These are my daughter's knives. - Vegan, stand down!

- Ah! (GRUNTS)

(GROANS) - BETHANAE: No, no, no. Hey!

Get your hands off me, you meat sack!

- ALEXIS: Get your�! Oh, actually, I quite like it.

Rougher. - Vince!

Vince! Vinnie!

- Evie!

Evie!

Butt... face.

I deserve that.

- # I sent you a letter.

# A telegram too.

# Answer your phone, baby.

# Well, I need to talk to you.

# We can't go on

# with me just lovin' you.

# Open your mailbox, baby.

# There's my last letter to you. #

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