Original subtitles

(BRIGHT ORGAN MUSIC)

(MUSIC SLOWLY BUILDS)

(MUSIC CRESCENDOS DISCORDANTLY)

(CHAIN RATTLES, SQUEAKS)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025

- (SIGHS) I've done a lot of reflecting over the last few days,

and no doubt many of you feel...

let down, disappointed.

And to you,

the fans, I...

wanna say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the way people have reacted.

I'm sorry that your morning routines are no doubt out of whack

not seeing my familiar and flawless face on your screens.

Actually, on that, a lot of you have been asking about how I achieve such an even skin tone.

Well, I use Ultra Skin as part of my daily skincare routine,

and if you enter the discount code 'Vince' today,

you can receive 15% off your next Ultra Skin.

Just click the link in the bio.

And finally, I want to apologise for that weird sick little kid.

If you wanna blame anyone, blame that greedy little goblin who's suing me.

But don't worry, we will get through this.

And remember, have a cracking day, legends.

And send. (BEEP!)

Now, there's one more apology I'd like to make.

- I don't think you quite meant the first one.

- I wanna apologise to you.

Sleeping on that couch for a week is not cool, OK?

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna clear some of the freebies out of the freebie room,

and we'll make some space for you in there, all right, darling?

- You mean the 'sold your soul' room?

- Hey, gifted air fryers come at a cost, and Daddy's paid with his credibility, OK?

- Or lack thereof.

I'll just stay at Granddad's. - Don't be silly. Couch is fine. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

I'll be with you shortly.

- Yo, yo.

- Please tell me you did not post that apology video.

- Uh, no, because you told me to send it to you first. - Thank you, previous me.

Vincie, the whole point of a celebrity apology video

is to pretend like you've taken responsibility for your actions.

- I went one better. I took responsibility for everyone else's actions, didn't I, like Jesus,

except he didn't give his disciples a 15% discount code.

- OK, on that, Jesus, Ultra Skin's decided to part ways.

So you will need to do a take two on the apology video.

Now get your arse down here for the meeting. Don't be late. It's not the Second Coming.

- All right, well I'll see you� (BEEP!)

...soon.

(SIGHS)

Dramas, am I right?

Wow, look at you, Balcony.

Looking very stylish.

- Hey, Vince, I need to talk to you about your situation.

- Ah, it's been blown way out of proportion, honestly.

Do you know the amount of shenanigans I've gotten away with over the years?

- No. And you definitely shouldn't tell me that.

- There was the photocopied myself and plastered the pictures all over the studio;

when I accidentally spat on the cardinal at Carols by Candlelight.

- You should probably stop telling me this now.

- Then I rode a bike � drunk � over a police car,

and it was all sorted with good old-fashioned bribery cash 'donation'.

- OK, stop. Vince, there's something you should know.

- No, there's something you should know. I've got a busy-arse day ahead,

and I can't be sitting around here all day listening to your problems. I'm sorry. I gotta run.

- (SIGHS)

Makes two of us.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey, hey.

- So, good news. - Great, love good news.

What have we got? - That car company wanna do a massive campaign with you.

- Bam! We're back baby.

- Yeah, it is big bucks, mate.

- Great. I like big bucks, I cannot lie.

- Yeah, OK, I'll catch you on the flip. Bye.

- Those things should be illegal. - Oh, you thought that deal was for you.

Sorry, Vince, no. You're like a public toilet door handle. No one wants to touch you.

Oh, Evie, darling, welcome.

Sorry. There's not much in here for a kid to play with, is there?

Um, do you wanna do some shredding?

I've got some documents over there the tax department probably don't need to see.

- I'd rather not be tied to a tax investigation.

- Oh, I bet you want a vape, don't you? I've got all the fun flavours in here.

I've got some strawberry somewhere. I think there's some caramel. Vanilla?

- I actually just gave up. - Good for you. Shred then.

Now, Vince, down to business, yeah? Now, I've got the team to cut together a new showreel

just to remind the market of your many talents of reading words off an autocue.

Secondly, let's teach you to pretend like you're sorry for your next apology video.

This one's going to the network. - Why am I apologising to them? I've got nothing to be sorry for.

- Well, to get your job back, because you stormed into the show like a crazed lunatic.

Just apologise to Lou, your audience,

and that terrifying she-beast who hosed you down with that rape repellent. Ohh.

- I don't want my old gig back. Maybe I wanna go bigger, better,

Mike Martin Tonight � you know, I've always wanted that gig. - Vince!

- Let's just go get it. - You're not gonna get the Mike Martin Tonight Show today,

tonight or ever, OK, if you don't apologise.

(MESSAGE ALERT DINGS) Right, they're here.

Evie, darling, do you wanna hang around and watch your daddy get sued?

- (SIGHS) The purpose of an initial meeting is to give both parties

the chance to exchange relevant information

and potentially pave the way for constructive resolution dialogue.

- Can I just have her as my lawyer?

- You are a very strange little girl.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Come in if you're good-looking.

(ZANY POP MUSIC)

- Balcony?

(UPBEAT BLUESY MUSIC)

- QUIETLY: 'I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. In fact, no, no, I'm equal parts angry and disappointed.

'I told you a lot of stuff, real crazy stuff, in confidence.' - And I tried to stop you.

- Uh, when? - When I said, 'You should probably stop telling me this now.'

- Ah, read between the lines, right?

- Oh, um, Vince, do you reckon we can get a selfie after this?

- Bethane, not appropriate. We actually talked about this.

- It's just because, you know the photo we've got on the fridge?

I had to cover it with a smiley face magnet

because I kept getting triggered every time I got the butter out.

- Right. In the interests of everyone's time, should we take a seat and get started?

- Objection. - I haven't said anything yet.

- Doesn't matter. Whatever you say, I'm gonna object to it.

- Right. My client seeks compensation for the significant emotional distress

endured as a result of your client's actions. - (SCOFFS) Objection.

- The distress endured by my client has had a profound impact on their mental well-being,

causing them immense suffering and hardship. - Oh, objection.

- We contend that your client's actions were negligent and/or intentional.

Therefore, they should be liable.

Are you gonna object to that? - No, no.

- Listen. The fact of the matter is, I've done nothing wrong.

All I'm guilty of is being a down-to-earth, approachable celebrity

who was willing to take a photo with some grubby� sorry, lovely fans.

- The fact of the matter is, Mr Walters, you had your trousers down

on camera next to my client and her son.

- Darling, Daddy really needs you.

Please. - (SIGHS)

To mitigate protracted litigation, what do you believe is fair and appropriate compensation

for the harm you claim your client has suffered?

- Uh, there's gonna be no compensation.

- My client has taken the liberty of writing down a figure. I think you'll find it appropriate.

- And that is more money than I've earned in my entire career.

- (SCOFFS) Loser.

- QUIETLY: You added zeros. - Just a few.

(SCOFFS) OK, look. Fine, I will bring the cost down

if you agree to do two guest appearances at Bray's school per year,

give him a shout out on your Instagram � tag me in it as a collab post �

tickets to, like, any amazing event for the next five years,

oh, oh, oh and one of your beds for each of us, you know the lumbar ones,

extra firm support because I move a lot�

- Mum, I want a set of nunchucks. - Oh, yeah, sure.

- And you're gonna� you're gonna have to give me a crossbow, yeah and� and a samurai sword.

- Uh, pump the brakes, mate. I'm not freakin' Santa Claus, all right?

Plus, that kid doesn't look like he should be in charge of weapons.

- (GASPS) Disability slur. Add zero back in.

- EVIE AND BALCONY: I'm calling for a temporary adjournment.

- Shouldn't she be in school?

- I thought you just like wearing the uniform.

- Right. My client has stated their case in demands,

and since we haven't been able to reach a satisfactory agreement, we'll see you in court.

- Come with me.

Oh, uh, can you take one?

(CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS)

Oh, so much better with your pants on.

Toodles. Love ya.

- Vincie, we're screwed. They've got evidence, and that crazy biatch, she wants to milk the cash cow.

You do know who the cow is, don't you?

- Moo. - What?

- Moo. That's making a cow sound effect. - Exactly. You're the cow.

She is going to be wrapping her hands around your sweet little udders and milking them

for every last cent until they are dry, shrivelled and lifeless, like my ovaries.

- So what do we do? - You fight back. Build your case. It's not rocket science.

If they say you're a bad guy, you show them you're not. - Yeah.

So what if they've got experts saying you're a child pest?

We show me you're a saint, a model citizen, a man who's safe for little kiddies to be around.

- Great, good. How? - We get your job back.

Nothing screams respectability like morning television.

- No, no, no, no, no. I want Mike Martin Tonight.

- Vince, look, we've got to start somewhere, OK?

I mean, do you wanna spend the rest of your life broke,

doing school pick-ups and social media posts with that bitch and her little wheelie boy?

I was hoping I was never gonna have to do this, but...

you don't need to go to school today, do ya?

Atta girl.

- Wee!

Ha-ha!

Wee!

Oh!

- Vince, Vince.

My guy says if we want the front cover, you need to make it look more natural.

- OK, uh, well, maybe your guy can take a leaf out of his own book,

because hairy man with long-lens camera in children's playground hardly screams natural.

- Leave him out of it, all right? He's not the one trying to rebrand himself.

Here. Some catchy-catchy. Go. - Who says catchy-catchy?

- And get the kid to ditch the light reading.

- Hey, Eves, book down.

Heads up! - (GRUNTS)

(CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS)

- Are you OK? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you.

- Hey! What the hell are you doing?

- Lou! Hi.

How are, uh... How are you? - How am I?

Well, uh, I was a little surprised to get a call from the school questioning Evie's whereabouts.

- I'm fine, Mum. - (SIGHS) It looks like it.

What was the plan? You're just gonna take our daughter and swan around throwing balls at her face?

- I'm well ahead on my schoolwork, Mum. One day off won't matter.

- Hear that � well ahead on her work. Absolute little nerd. It's why we love her.

- They weren't worried about that, sweetheart. Apparently, Miss Carter has had another episode,

locked herself in the accessible toilet, making it inaccessible. They need you to negotiate her out.

- Hey, uh, how did you...

how'd you find us? - Family tracking app. - Family tracking app?

Out of interest, who's... who's being tracked on this family tracking app of yours?

- If you're wondering whether I saw that you went to Burger Legend four times in one day, then yeah.

- Well, you can stop looking down at my stomach because it was a comfort eating day.

- I don't have time for this.

Come on, sweetheart.

- No, no, she's staying with me. - It's all right. I'm here now. - No, no, it's all right.

It's my week this week. You get her next week.

- No, come on. - Ow.

- Would you stop it? You are hurting her. - Ow.

- I am not hurting her. We're at the playground. We're having fun. It's fun.

- Mum!

Dad will take me to school, won't you, Dad? - Yeah.

- Can I trust you to look after our daughter?

- Current situation aside, yeah, you could be� you could be fairly confident.

- But first, we need a group hug.

Pleeease.

(SENTIMENTAL SOUL MUSIC)

- Come on. Get those. Get those, get it, get it!

(CAMERA SHUTTER SNAPS)

- # I think it's time to move on...

- # Move on.

- # ...to start all over again.

# I think it's time to pack my bags.

# Because I'm starting

# all over again. #

(SENTIMENTAL SOUL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(INSECTS CHIRP)

WHISPERS: Balcony.

Balcony! Psst!

Balcony! (DOOR OPENS)

- That's my name.

- You know why I call you that? - Yeah. I've got a pretty good idea.

- Hey. So, how's the case going � you know, the one where you're, uh, suing your neighbour

and the guy has done absolutely nothing wrong?

- I'm not going to get dragged into talking about specifics with you.

Was there something that you wanted with your spooky whisper calling? - See, that's it right there.

You think I'm being a creepy, whispery pest, but in fact, I'm being a protective father

not wanting to wake up his sleeping daughter on the couch.

- Your daughter sleeps on the couch? - Yeah, well, her room's full of free rice cookers and air fryers.

It's a long story. - Doesn't sound like one.

- You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take you to court, yeah, lawyer court,

where they charge two-faced lawyers for being two-faced thanks to conflicts of interest.

- What exactly is the conflict of interest?

- Uh, you, interested in me, me interested in you, us. .. us being interested in each other.

- When did I say I was interested in you?

- You didn't have to. I'm a vibes guy. I pick up on vibes. It's my thing.

- Oh, yeah? All right, vibes guy, then if there's such a conflict of interest, what's my name?

- I was willing to learn it. - Oh. Thank you, Vince.

Listen, I started at a new firm. They put me on the case. I had no idea.

But I need this job, so why don't we just keep our distance while proceedings play out?

- Yeah, OK. It seems like the... sensible thing to do.

We don't wanna drag each other into specifics.

- Great. - Mm.

- Well, see you in court. - Not if I don't see you first. - That doesn't even make sense.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

- No Evie? - Just dropped her at school � on time.

- Vince, it's Saturday. - That would explain why it's very quiet out there.

(MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)

- And Granddad's gonna pick her up. - Oh, happy families.

On that, good news � nearly every gossip site ran your little happy family playground story.

Bad news... - Here we go. - Yeah.

Didn't quite go with the angle I was pitching.

- READS: The wholesome family outing was ruined by Vince Walters, 42.

What? Why do they always have to go with the age?

READS: 'The playdate ended in a heated tug of war with Lou, 39�'

She wishes.

'...storming off. The frustrated father took his anger out on his daughter

'by throwing a ball in her face in a fit of rage.'

Come on. That is not on me. Evie's a lot of things, but hand-eye coordinated is not one of them.

Plus, you were there. That all happen before Lou turned up.

- It's just so out of character for these sites to just go making up stuff (!)

Anyway, we focus on your power move � operation morning glory suck-up.

You take your tail, and you tuck it up firmly between your legs.

Go see Bilbo, get back on the air with Lou,

And you can pivot the story anywhere you like, yeah?

I mean, you're a good guy. Paint yourself like the victim,

like you're the one that needs defending.

Honestly, who needs a courtroom when you've got a TV studio.

- (SIGHS) This is bullshit. - That's the attitude.

(SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE)

- Billy?

Hello?

Billy?

(OMINOUS TONE)

Was that you?

Where are you?

- In the dark part � somewhere.

- Incredibly useful. (CLAP! CLAP!)

(LIGHTS CLUNK) - Welcome.

- Do you just sit here in complete pitch-black darkness, waiting for the workday to start, do ya?

- Not usually. I just thought I'd get Debs to run the lights,

you know, to add some pizzazz and, uh, assert some dominance.

- Hi, Vince. - Debs.

- How do you think it went? - Uh, a bit weird, yeah, to be honest.

- That's because we didn't do it like we practised.

I said on the sound of the second clap.

- I'm sorry. It's hard to find the right switch in pitch black. - Forget it. It's not important now.

- Hey, uh, thanks for agreeing to meet. - Come on, let's celebrate.

- Drink to my return. - To the tabloids. Yeah.

Saw the family day out at the park. Things aren't going too good for you and Lou, are they?

- What happened in here the other morning, I...

I'm sorry. It was uncalled for, It was unprofessional, and I regret every part of it.

So if you could find it in your heart to forgive me...

it would mean the world.

Oh, come on, Billy.

You and I have both done and said regrettable things. Can we just leave it in the past?

Can I just have my job back? It's all I know how to do.

It's my identity. Oh. (LIGHTS CLUNK)

- (GRUNTS, CLAPS TWICE)

- You can't just clap and the bloody lights turn on. - Well, turn them back on.

I'm trying. They must be on some sort of timer now.

- (CLAPS TWICE) - Stop clapping. It is doing nothing.

- It worked last time.

- Billy, what happened at the hospital will blow over.

Do I look like some sort of creep to you?

It's not just about me, though, is it? It's also about you.

- About me? How? - Well, what I can do for you and what you can do for me.

- Tell me, Vince, what in the world could you do for me �

you being the small, disgraced, unemployed, failing pervert and me being... me?

- Well, I could...

put in a good word with Lou. I know how much you like her.

- Thanks for pouring your heart out, Vince, and for your weird offer of hooking me up with your wife.

I really do appreciate you being so vulnerable � exposing yourself �

but there is no way I'll let you back on this network ever again.

In fact, I am so confident that I'll even put it in writing

that if you do make it back, (CHUCKLES) I'll make Debs here a CEO.

(CHUCKLES) In fact, Debs, note that.

You're done, Vince.

So go find some dignity and...

go away.

Oh, and leave the wine.

(GLASS CLINKS)

(LIGHTS CLUNK)

Now they turn on.

(WISTFUL ORGAN MUSIC)

- (SIGHS)

(INSECTS CHIRP)

(BRIGHT INTRO MUSIC PLAYS)

Mike and Tanya, finish this popular phrase �

a bird in the hand

is worth two in the...

- Butt! (LAUGHTER)

- They're charismatic,

they're handsome, and they're deadly.

This is...

(VINCE TALKS WITH LAPTOP) the World's Most Charming Serial Murderers.

SOFTLY: Nice.

- Hi. - Hey.

- What's your name? - Um, Bethane, with an accent. It's, um, French.

- All right, well take it away, Bethane.

# Oh, thinkin' about our younger years� #

- Stop!

Bryan Adams, if I'm not mistaken. - Yeah.

- Well, baby, all that I want is for you to stop singing your atrocious rendition of that classic song.

- (GUFFAWS) Come on, Vince. You can't do that. Her son is clearly sick.

- Exactly. The poor kid's been threw enough.

Oh... my... God.

It might have been Heaven, but I was in hell, utter hell.

In fact...

How did I let wardrobe put me in that shirt?

It doesn't compliment my skin tones at all.

Urgh.

- # What do you know?

# What do you mean?

# Everything you thought you knew

# about what you got is make-believe.

- Come on!

# What do you know?

# What do you mean?

# Everything you thought you knew

# about what you got is make-believe. #

- Come on!

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