Original subtitles

(TINNY MUSIC PLAYS)

(ECHOING THUD)

- # There is a house

# in New Orleans

# they call the Rising Sun.

# It's been the ruin

# of many a poor soul.

# And me,

# oh God,

# for one. #

- SLO-MO: Aargh!

Motherfucker!

- # If I had listened

# what Mama said,

# I'd be at home today.

- Aargh!

- # Being so young

# and foolish, poor boy,

# I let a rambler lead me astray. #

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025

- And then it's all mixed together. - Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Well, that looks good. Let me just see if it's...

- Oh! - Yep, good to go.

- Ooh, I just love that little chef. - (LAUGHS)

I sure hope so, because we helped create her with your special lady parts.

- Oh God. - (LAUGHS)

- Only my husband could do uterus talk this early in the morning.

- You know what � I'm genuine when I say this.

The female reproductive system has to be the unofficial eighth wonder of the world.

It is mind-blowing.

- Dad, please stop talking. - Yes, that is enough. People are trying to have their breakfast.

- When are you gonna cover the massacre in Texas?

- Make sure you join us tomorrow. We're in for a real treat as we meet New Zealand's largest kumara.

- Ooh! Breakfast is sorted. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Thank you so much for watching. And, as always, have a cracking day, legends.

(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

- And clear. (BELLS RINGS)

- MAN: Hey, great show, team. Nice.

- When are you gonna cover actual news?

- Oh, sweetheart, the audience don't want actual news. Then they'll be sad about people they don't even know.

- So we just pretend it doesn't exist? - Exactly.

- That makes me feel...

- Shame. That feeling is called shame.

Go grab your bag. You'll be late for school.

- Mum, every day I'm late for school, because every day the show finishes at 9.

- There she is. My favourite American import.

- Toby, you know, the reason I talk like this is because I was basically raised by YouTube.

- Greatest babysitter we never paid for.

Hey, Tobes. Man on the street. Solid reporting out there today, mate.

There was no doubting that piece of toast had Mussolini's face burned on to it.

- Yeah, yeah, in depth, I know. - Yeah. - Shall we go?

- You are both aware that Toby didn't rack up thousands of dollars in student loans to spend his days

driving around nepo kids of TV show hosts?

- Aww. That's her little girl. She's always thinking of others. - Somebody has to.

- It's fine. It's also literally in my contract, so...

Come on.

SOFTLY: It's also the most interesting conversation I have all day.

- Dictators on toast not doing it for you?

- You too, darling. I love you. - See ya. Love you. Bye, darling.

(WHISTLES TUNEFULLY)

- Another brilliant show, Vince.

- You literally say that every day, Deborah.

- That's why they pay me the minimum wage bucks � to pander to the egos of insecure television hosts.

- Mm, yeah. I tell you what � you are worth every single one of those minimum wage cents.

Because somehow you keep me so grounded with your biting wit. - I blame menopause.

- How old are you � like, 20? - No.

- Vince. A word.

Hey, the kids cancer unit fundraiser tonight...

- Ah, yes. Ward C's most glamorous night of the year.

You know what � I've got a really good feeling we might cure cancer tonight.

- Yeah, that's not gonna happen. But hopefully you can cure the dwindling ratings.

And if you do happen to nab a 10-point share,

a certain someone could be taking over Mike Martin Tonight with Mike Martin.

That boomer's well past his expiry date.

- (EXHALES) Yeah. I mean... Have you spoken to Lou about it?

I just� I feel a bit weird, cos I know how keen she is to do late night.

- Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie. Nothing is set in stone.

When the time comes, you just leave Lou to me. I know how to handle your wife. (CLICKS TONGUE)

- Coming to you live from the Central Hospital, it's Cash for the Cancer Kids.

And now here's your host, Vince Walters.

- # We are here at the cancer ward

# with the cancer kids who are sick and bored.

# Here to put some light in their lives

# and hope none of my little buddies die.

# Through your donation

# to the patients,

# it's our ambition

# to put them all into remission.

# It's Cash for Cancer Kids.

# Donate some dosh.

# Donate a wig.

# It's Cash for Cancer

# Kids. #

Whew! What a start to the show.

And make sure you keep those donations rolling in.

Every dollar helps these little battlers.

Battlers like Nina here.

How old are you, Nina? - Nearly 9. It's my birthday tomorrow.

- Wow. 9 years old. And what do you want for your birthday, darling? - My dad.

- Dad couldn't be here tonight? - He died. It's just my mum and me.

- OK, well, some... information that would have been good to know before this live TV interview.

Nina, I didn't know your dad, but I bet he was really cool.

And we'll be back with more after this.

- And clear.

- What the�? - It was great. Genius bringing up the dead dad.

Audiences love dead dads. It tugs on the heartstrings.

Oi, kids, that was gold.

It's gonna go viral.

You're going viral. I'll tag you.

- You scare me, lady.

- Hey, Vince. Vince! Vince Walters!

Hey! Hey! Remember me? We met, like, five years ago.

- Of course, of course. How are ya?

Hey. Thanks so much for the...

(SLAP!)

...support.

- What's my name, then?

- Your name?

Oh... What was the� the name? It was, uh...

- Starts with a 'B'. - That's right. It was 'B'. It was, uh... 'B'...

- Be... - Be-Betsy?

- Betha... - Betha...

- Bethanae. - Bethany. That's right.

- Bethanae � with an accent. - Bethanae. That's� That's not a name.

- That's French. (LAUGHS) Hey, would you be a doll and take a photo with Brayden and the nurses?

- Uh... - Yes. Perfect.

We'll come back from commercials with a wholesome group photo,

bit of mixing and mingling with the minions.

- Oh, you're the best, Vince Walters. I knew you'd say yes. - I didn't really, um...

- Oh, great. Can we get everybody in for a group photo, please?

Yep. Couple of people in the back. That's lovely. Yep. Come on in.

Yep. That's looking good. Cool. And can we get a 'We love Vince'?

- Oh, hold on. Just two seconds. OK. - Good. 'We love Vince' on three, two, one.

- ALL: We love Vince!

- And we're live.

(THWIP!)

- (SCREAMS) (GASPING) - Whoa!

- (STAMMERS)

Um...

Uh, wel� uh, welcome back to the, uh, cash with the kids and the cancer and the cancer cash... for the kids.

I'm Wince Valters. (ZIPPER WHIZZES)

Welcome back.

Did it go to air? Did you get a straight answer out of anyone? - Oh, no one seemed too fussed.

- Of course they didn't. It's not even with their dick dangling out in front of the sick kids, is it?

- (SCOFFS) It will be fine. I was watching. Honestly, I barely noticed.

(CELL PHONE RINGS) - Lou. Please tell me you didn't...

Oh dear God.

Well, can I talk to her?

Oh, right, now she's gone to bed.

Speak soon.

Hey! So that's great (!) My daughter was watching. So how you gonna fix this one, agent extraordinaire?

- Don't worry. It wasn't a complete disaster.

- What a complete disaster. Good morning, New Zealand.

The country's waking up, trying to forget what we saw of TV icon Vince Walters last night.

- Did that actually happen? I thought it was a nightmare.

- Surely this is curtains for the TV superstar. Surely.

- Well, he could have done with some curtains last night. - He could have.

So what do you do if you're KVN management here? - Well, you stand him down.

- No, no, no. You put him on air. Everyone will be tuning in this morning to see him.

- There is no way you were going on air this morning.

- Oh, come off it, Billy. It's just a tiny moment with a middle-aged man and his codger out.

I'd hardly call it a disaster.

- It's the lead story in Bro Bible. It is a complete balls up.

- So to speak. - Thank you. Lou (!) Very helpful (!)

Billy. Listen.

(FUSSES)

I've done nothing wrong, OK? I was fully clothed one minute and then partially clothed the next.

- Yeah, Billy, let's look at the numbers.

10.5 share. Those are the highest ratings this turd of a show has had in years.

Another positive headline � his wanger looks half decent. - Surprisingly so.

- Thank you, Lou (!)

- All right, let's get serious. In times of crisis, it's good to look to those who've come before.

So on a scale of Weinstein to Cosby... - Jesus.

- ...he's sitting at a Michael Jackson.

- I can't believe I pay you some days.

- We're pulling you off air. - I've done nothing wrong.

- You're a liability. Lou's gonna be hosting the show on her own this morning.

- Oh...

On the plus side, now you can take Evie to school.

- I don't even know where her school is. - All right.

- (SIGHS)

Evie, darling, surely you can see Daddy's the victim in all this.

Ow!

Ow!

(SIGHS)

- I'll get her an Uber, shall I? (DOOR SHUTS)

- # Dear heart,

# your disposition

# turns cold

# with no provocation.

# I always feel so empty.

# Uh-huh...

- LOU ON TV: Oh wow. That is big. (CHUCKLES)

31 inches.

My husband has been lying to me.

So, how long does it take to grow a vegetable of this...

- # But I...

# I'll just keep holding on.

# Mm. #

- 5 o'clock somewhere.

- Uh, no, it's...

8.54.

- No, it's, like, a joke.

Like, it's 5 o'clock somewhere, so... all good.

- That might be the case, but if it's 8.54 here, then surely it would make it something-54 in most other places.

- Never mind. I'm� I'm Heidi.

- What are you doing on that balcony? - I live here.

- You live in� in there? - Why are you making it sound like it used to be a meth lab?

- Uh, cos last week, it was an actual meth lab. Yeah.

People wandering around in hazmat suits with (BREATHES RASPINGLY) masks and... Yeah.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's a joke.

- (SIGHS HEAVILY) - It's kind of like that weird time zone thing you were just doing.

Just comedy. Yeah. - Right.

Sorry, I didn't get your name. - (CHUCKLES)

Oh, you make me laugh, lady.

Where'd you pop up from?

- Oh, my son and I just got here from London this morning.

- Oh, I'm sure you're both going to be very happy in that clandestine laboratory of yours.

- Oh, yeah, thank you. Well, we would be, but, um, there was a mix up with the beds.

Beds for all, but no beds for us, it would seem.

- Ouch. - Mm.

- Rough mornings all round, eh? - Oh?

- Well, you're gonna be sleeping like a squatter,

and I got stood down from my job, and I didn't do anything wrong.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Did they put anything in writing or give you a good reason?

Cos they might be in breach of your employment contract.

- Listen to the lawyer lingo. What do you do for a job?

- I'm a lawyer. - You're a lawyer. Yeah. Makes a lot of sense.

Well, thanks for the advice. And it was lovely to meet you... my...

balcony friend. - You've forgotten my name already, haven't you?

- Absolutely. Yeah. I'm just gonna leave now, through this door.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Hey, Debs. Where's Billy?

- Oh, what a treat. Who knew New Zealand's largest kumara was so delicious...

- Is this a replay?

- ...and could be cooked in so many different ways?

- Looks like breakfast is sorted. - (CHUCKLES)

- That's my line.

- Thank you for watching, and, of course, don't forget to go out there and...

- No...

- ...have a cracker day, legends.

- It's a bloody screen test.

Motherf... - (SLURPS)

- (CHUCKLES) So good.

- Ah-hoo-hoo-hoo-ee!

Tobes, the chemistry was electric, baby.

Man, way to fast-track that promotion, big guy. Good work.

But, Lou, come on.

I thought you would have told him �

the line's 'have a cracking day, legends'. Cracking, not cracker.

- Vince, just take a breath.

- Take a breath? (BREATHES DEEPLY) Thanks (!) That felt good (!)

Let me just try and figure out what's going on here, Billy.

It's either option A, you've finally told the team that I'm getting Mike Martin Tonight,

like you've always promised. - What? You said that that was mine. - Look, now, come on. OK?

- OK, so it's clearly not that one. Must be option B, you're screwing me out of a job,

which means you are in breach of contract.

Yeah. You just breached me, Billy. You breached me hard.

- Vince, let's take this offline, eh?

- Offline? What's offline mean? Does offline mean all of these fine people �

people who see me as a mentor, a father figure;

people who have worked with me for years, like Dave here �

don't get to see their hero react to you handing his job

to some under-skilled puppy?

- My name's Phil. - It's not about you, Dave.

- I'm sorry, but this is gonna happen.

- I don't know how many different ways I can say this �

what happened at the hospital wasn't my fault.

- It's not just about the hospital, Vince. Numbers are down. We need zest and energy.

And we had to make a call.

And when this unfortunate incident presented itself, the board's decision was simple.

- I'm sorry, Vin. - Don't 'sorry, Vin' me.

Nine years of marriage, and this is the loyalty I get.

- You're divorced. - Separated. - Separated.

- Yeah, well, only the public think you're married.

(DOOR OPENS) - You listen up, Bilbo.

You better have a bloody good reason for sacking my client.

- Oh, yeah. Show numbers are down.

- So what? It's TV? I mean, the only people watching it are my cousins in jail,

and my grandma who's lost the arm strength to change the bloody channel.

- Vince, I'm sorry, but this is happening.

You will get four weeks full pay, but all we need from you is a statement saying

that you're stepping down due to mental health issues.

- Pffft. My mental health was just fine till about 22 minutes ago.

- You know what's mental? You thinking he wants your four weeks full pay.

- You don't want a full pay? - No, I-I wouldn't mind the full pay.

- Uh-uh. No. No statement, no pay.

He is walking out of here with something far more valuable than money � his dignity.

- Just so we're clear � if I do lie about my mental health, do I still get the full pay?

- Vince!

- And don't forget the parent-teacher conference.

- (SCOFFS) As if I'd forget about the parent-teacher conference.

What time did you have for that? - 2.30.

- Yeah. Good. Exactly the same time I had.

You've got to talk to Billy. He listens to you.

- My hands are tied. - Oh, how convenient, eh (?)

- Just remember that this is not about us.

- (SIGHS) It's always about you, though, isn't it, Lou? - Oh-ho-ho, stones, glass houses.

Let's just keep it about Evie. Your belt done up nice and tight? - (SCOFFS)

- So in class, we've been discussing the concept of integrity and what it means when...

um...

when you strip it back.

We've had the kids create a visual representation.

Evie.

- It's called an integrity tree. Each leaf represents what it means to have integrity.

This is the strong moral principles leaf.

This is the honesty leaf. And this is the trustworthy leaf.

- Wow. It's fantastic, darling. Great work.

Hey, tell me, is there room on the integrity tree for a leaf that was growing next to another leaf

for a number of years and then found out that leaf might be getting replaced with a greener leaf,

so then went behind that leaf spec to see what the newer, younger leaf would look like

growing next to it on the integrity tree? - Um...

No, cos that's not being honest and upright � two important traits of integrity.

- If that leaf had told the old dry, withered leaf what was happening,

then it too might be replaced with a greener leaf.

- Should I be following what's going on here?

- It's their passive-aggressive arguing technique. Something's happened.

- But if those two leaves had grown next to each other for a number of years,

that leaf thought that might count for some sort of leaf loyalty.

- If the leaves had been growing on the tree for a number of years,

then surely they would understand how the cutthroat business of trees works.

- It'll be over soon. He'll go one step too far. She'll feign shock, and then they'll snap out of it.

- Maybe instead of growing on the integrity tree,

that leaf might be better suited growing on her own bitch bush. - (GASPS)

- It's really good, darling. - Excellent project.

- Like, 10 out of 10 project. So good. Awesome. - I'm so proud of you.

(DISPIRITED MUSIC)

- (SIGHS)

'Sorry, Vince. Show numbers are down. We need a fresher approach � something with zest and energy.'

Oh, is that right, Billy? Zest and energy. Well, how about I...

Zest and energy... a roundhouse kick to your face? Hmm? Yeah? You like that?

What do we got here? (GASPS) It's a bit of zest. There's a bit of energy.

And what have we got over here? It's a branch from the integrity tree.

You like it... when I stick it... in there... like this?

And there? Take it.

- You're really showing him.

- Balcony. - Hello.

- Probably looked a little, uh...

- Like you were sodomising an invisible person? No.

- No, it was a poke in the face. - Oh, right. Sure. - Yeah.

- Hey, do you know what is weird is that some beds showed up in my apartment,

and they have your face all over them.

- Oh, good. They turned up. Tell you, that extra lumbar model � exceptional.

- Oh. - Mm.

- Thank you. - It's what neighbours do, eh?

- What, drink at 9 in the morning, send random beds and fight imaginary nasty men?

- Yeah, exactly. - Hmm. Seems like a pretty cool neighbour.

- Pretty cool neighbour.

Whoo-pah. (CLATTERING)

- Ooh. Scary stuff (!)

I like your little hat on the box. - Thank you.

(DISPIRITED MUSIC)

Chair latte.

- Harsh realities of a fickle industry.

You must feel, like, totally invisible right now.

- You might wanna hold on to that latte, darling.

- And so my attacker's here, and he's about to penetrate me.

But nah-uh. I don't want it, so I knee him.

I throw his arm back. We cross over here, and I choke him into submission.

- WHISPERS: You stay here, darling. Help yourself to snacks. Daddy won't be long.

- That is awesome. - Hi. Hi. Hi. Good morning. Morning.

- Uh... - Mwah, mwah.

- Uh, it's familiar face, everyone. - Mm.

We are just in the middle of today's self-defence lesson.

- Fantastic. I'm also here for some self-defence of my reputation. What camera are we down this morning?

Down here. Fantastic. Hello. Good morning, viewers.

(SIGHS) Listen, some of you may or may not be aware of an unfortunate incident

that took place at the children's hospital recently.

Well, I'm here to set the record straight.

The Vince Walters you know and love has done nothing wrong.

See what happened � the sick kid was like� He's in a wheelchair, mate, so just down a little bit.

He was located here. I was situated here.

Sick kid poses for a selfie with his idol, me.

All of a sudden. Kaboom! Pow! My pants are off and down by my ankles,

leaving my precious parts fully exposed

and the wheelchair kid inconveniently located next to them.

Listen, if we wanna lay the blame of this traumatic event on anyone,

let's blame this little fella or the wardrobe department for my loose pants.

I have a theory on it, however, cos the nurses and doctors, they were situated over here.

Just here.

- Cheeky guy, this one, eh? Little touchy-feely.

Well, now, this is the rear naked chokehold.

He's got about 20 seconds of life left in him.

- Let go! Police! Stop it! - OK, OK.

Apologies, everyone. Little security breach here.

- (GRUNTS) - Ooh! The donkey kick. What a sweet manoeuvre.

So, what he's gotta do is push his weight into his pelvis,

and then he can pin him down. Yeah! - Get him off me!

- Give me Mike Martin Tonight.

(SPRAY HISSES) Aargh!

My eyes!

My eyes!

(LONG SUSTAINED BEEP)

(SIGHS)

Evie! Evie! I can still take you to school.

- It's fine; I asked Toby.

- SIGHS: Ooh.

Nice work, mate (!) You really set that record straight (!)

Cleared your name up good and proper (!)

Evie must be so proud of her self-obsessed dad (!)

All that trauma of constantly being let down by you.

She'll grow up always searching for approval from all the men in her life.

Probably end up working in a strip club called Fire Panthers

with a really cool stage name like Brandi Bazookas, and it'll all be your fault.

You just breached yourself, mate, on live TV, and any leg you had to stand on is gone,

like a diabetic amputee.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

- (SIGHS)

(PHONE UNLOCKS) What?

- Hey, I just saw you on the telly. Great work.

- Are you serious? - No. It was pure career suicide.

Still, guess it's good to get your bald mug some screen time.

Hey, listen, bit of a fiddly one, yeah? You know that sick kid from the hospital?

- Yeah. - Yeah, well, him and his mum, they're suing you.

- What? - Mm. They're in my office right now.

- OK. Yeah. Well, you tell them they better have a bloody good lawyer.

(MUSIC SWELLS)

- # Shine a light

# on this road

# of mine.

# Shine a light

# down on me

# one more time,

# and show me the way.

# Yeah. #

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