Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Zac Oyama.

I'm here and back again on "Very Important People"

and I feel like somebody's behind me.

Ah!

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- Wow.

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up the character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

- This is just normal.

This is a normal day.

- [Vic] This is "Very Important People."

(star twinkles)

- Oh no. (laughs)

(coughs)

I just inhaled some hair.

I feel bad.

(laughs)

This is so much hair.

Welcome to the mausoleum.

As you can see,

there are no straight lines in this building.

This way is the Triangle Room

filled with circles and squares.

(Zac snorts)

Did anything happen with Y2K?

I've been underground for 24 years

and it was the right call, right?

Who cut your hair last time? (chuckles)

That's bad.

You should have come to me.

(exhales shakily)

Help me.

Help me find my keys, please, ah.

(upbeat music)

(letters chime)

- 600 over seven.

That can't be right.

Okay. So you know what? (cuff rips)

What are these things anyway?

How do they work?

Who knows, so.

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes those stories need to be shared

with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis back

with another edition of.

(Phoenix exhales shakily)

- Water, water.

- Wurter?

- Water.

- Water, okay.

Hey. Hey. Okay.

Hey, how about get you some water?

Lemme try that. (Phoenix gasps)

Okay, so here you go.

Okay, so how about this?

I'm gonna hand it here and you just sort of go

(Phoenix gasps)

and there we are.

Hah, that's success.

Okay, so.

(distressed moaning)

So why don't we take a seat

and be quiet?

It's sort of shouting.

(raspy) - Where am I?

Where am I?

- You are in Los Angeles, California.

On the set of "Very Important People".

I'm Vic Michaelis.

(screeching) - Help.

- Help?

- I'm permeable.

- Yep, you're permeable.

So look and it's just.

(hands tap)

Okay, so yeah.

So hi. There we are.

We're happy to have you here.

So please introduce yourself.

- I am Phoenix and I am back

because I have unfinished business.

(letters scratch)

(dramatic music)

- You're Phoenix and you're back

'cause you have unfinished business.

- I have an unfinished business.

- Were you one of the people to build this set?

One of the carpenters?

- No, I have never been.

I think I'm from somewhere nearby.

- Like a nearby plane of existence?

- Or nearby building is where I died.

- Oh right, of course.

Where you died?

- Yes.

- You're a ghost?

- A go-go-ghost.

- If you don't mind me asking, what is the difference

between a ghost and a goo-goo-ghost?

- I think they're the same maybe.

- I understand.

What has brought you here today?

- I don't know? I have unfinished.

It's so hard to remember everything and who I was

and I don't know if I am even human anymore.

Memories, they fade.

- How about this, Phoenix.

You know what, my job is to interview you.

How about I ask you a couple of questions

and we'll see if we can figure it out.

Just holding handfuls of hair.

- Help.

- Oh, okay, you know what,

this is actually something I can help with.

I'm gonna help ask you a couple

of questions to figure out who we are.

Okay. - Okay.

- Phoenix, that's your name? - Yes.

- My name Phoenix.

- What year were you born Phoenix?

- 1989.

- Okay. That's actually pretty recent.

Same year Taylor Swift was born.

She had an album, "1989". - Yes.

- Do you know about Taylor Swift?

- Who doesn't know about Taylor Swift?

- You're not wrong. That must mean

that you died pretty recently.

- I don't remember.

- Hey Phoenix. Hey. Hey.

We're gonna figure this out together.

That's my job and I'm gonna figure out who you are.

- I should know.

I should figure it out.

I think I.

- Take a deep breath.

Why don't you take a sip of water?

We're happy. Okay.

We are so happy to have you here in corporeal form.

Alright, I'm right here

and we're gonna figure this out together.

Okay, hey Phoenix. - Yes.

- Focus up. - Okay.

- All right, you and me.

We're right here together.

- All right.

- What memories do you have of the people?

- I left.

- You left?

- I must have left home.

- Can you remember where home was?

- Home. Home was. - Yes.

Where was home?

- It starts with Gu.

- Gu.

- Gor-ga, Gorgia.

- Georgia? - Georgia.

- Georgia. - Gorgia.

- Your family is from Georgia,

but you left to come out here to Los Angeles.

Do you have any idea what you were doing

to come out here?

Maybe an actor?

- No. I followed Art. - Is Art a person?

Is art sort of something visual, something you do.

- Art is this.

Art is this.

- Experimental film director. - Art is this.

- Sounds like maybe you were.

- No art is here.

- Art is here. Music.

- Music. - Music.

You came here to do music. Okay. Okay.

We are getting somewhere.

You came here to do music, Phoenix.

Absolutely.

- Phoenix played music?

- If you could sort of wash out your mind

and close your eyes and you just sort

of hear sounds in the background,

what sound do you hear?

Bass.

Bass guitar. - Bass guitar.

- Phoenix played bass guitar.

- Phoenix played bass guitar.

- Okay, look at that.

Phoenix played bass guitar.

- Phoenix was auditioning for bands

because Phoenix felt music was cool.

- So Phoenix found music was cool.

Moved out to Los Angeles from Georgia

where you left your family to start auditioning for bands.

- Yes.

- Which I feel like probably should be pretty easy.

I don't think a lot of people are like dreaming

of playing bass in a band.

Maybe I'm wrong on that.

I will say music isn't really my forte.

I mostly listen to podcasts.

- Oh, it's flooding back.

The words, the language. (eerie music)

(Phoenix gasps)

- Phoenix, are you all right? (Phoenix moans)

(Phoenix gasps)

- Are you all right?

- I'm all right.

- What happened?

How did you die?

- Phoenix was so stressed out.

Phoenix needed self care.

Phoenix went to a spa.

- Okay. Phoenix went to a spa. Wonderful.

So the last thing you remember is being in a spa.

- Yes.

- You walk in the door.

What's the vibe?

- It's cool.

- So maybe a newer spa.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Focus. You're fading. Come on.

Hey, we are gonna figure this out

and maybe if we figure it out we can get you onto

wherever the next place is, okay.

- Don't let me go. (eerie music)

- Is that a letter? - Oh.

(letter flutters)

I caught it.

- I think it fell.

(Phoenix sniffs)

- Ugh.

- It says something on the front.

It says the who.

(letter rips)

I think I

- You got it? - got that one.

So we'll just sort of do that.

- Ah, it hurts. (letter rustles)

It hurts.

- Figure out who I am for the next clue.

Okay, so this is sort of like a scavenger hunt.

What did you want out of life?

You were trying to be a musician.

- Artist, trying to be a musician.

Learning musician, learning music.

- So you didn't know how to play the bass guitar.

You just came out here to audition

for bands and learned how to play?

- Yes, as you do.

- But what did you want out of life?

- Phoenix wanted... (chuckles)

attention.

- Why did you pick bass guitar?

- 'Cause it's the easiest one.

- Bass guitar is sort of famously

on like the side of the stage.

Name three bass guitarists that you know,

- Trevor Noah, Jon Stewart, and Craig Kilborn.

- Talk show hosts.

- What'd you say?

- Those are all talk show hosts.

- Which one?

- All three of them I believe are talk show hosts

that are off the air now, - Trevor Noah?

- Now that I'm thinking of it.

- Trevor Noah.

- No, it'd be like...

Trevor Noah,

but then because the show got canceled.

- Jon Stewart.

- Does that feel right to you?

- No.

- Okay. So you wanted attention? (eerie music)

- Yes.

- What is that?

There was something. - Huh?

- What is that?

- What is this?

- Another letter. What does it say?

- Even in the afterlife, I've seen nothing quite

as spooky as your eyesight.

- Okay, well that's don't mug to camera.

Don't do that.

And we're gonna cut that part.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and open it.

The how.

(envelope shreds)

- Okay. I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die before we get that open.

So I'll do that.

(envelope tears)

The how.

I feel like you should read this one.

- Oh no.

- Well it's about how you died.

And if you don't know, I feel like I can't impart

that information to you.

- I'm too scared and shy.

- You just spent so much time telling me how you wanted

to be the center of attention.

- I know. That's why it's so hard

- Because you're naturally so shy.

- Yes.

- Hey, how about this?

I'm gonna stand right next to you,

- Okay.

- And you're gonna read it. (Phoenix shudders)

- There you go. (Phoenix whimpers)

- It says... I was in the...

clay room

and I laid down to take a nap

and my phone got too hot so the timer didn't go off.

And so I baked to death.

(letter rustles)

Huh?

- You baked to death in the clay room?

- Yes.

- Because nobody thought to come and check on you.

- I told 'em not to.

- Why would you tell them not to come and check on you?

- Because I didn't wanna be bothered and 'cause I'm shy.

- Because you're shy?

- Yes.

- I don't think you were shy.

- Who me?

- Who else would I be talking to right now?

- That guy or that guy?

- I'm never talking to that guy.

- Why?

- I'm sometimes talking to her.

She's sort of a nice, nice angle.

Those people I talk to on occasion sort of because I have to

and we sort of have a professional working relationship.

That corner is fine sometimes.

- I don't gotta know all of them.

- You asked and you're dead, I figured you had time.

- Oh, okay.

So one day you're gonna die

and you're gonna be like, that hurts.

That kind of comment you just made hurts.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

(Phoenix moans)

Put a pin in that. Hey. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, come on. Hey, hey, hey.

Stay here.

- They're taking me.

- No. Who's taking you?

- The big ones.

- What big ones.

(Phoenix grunts)

- Okay, so.

- Some ghosts are large.

Hey. No, you're okay.

Hey, come back. Come back.

Hey, we're fine. We're fine.

- You gotta outrun 'em for two.

- You gotta outrun who?

- For two seconds.

- What do you, I'm sorry.

In order to get away from sort

of these demons that you're chasing,

you gotta run away from them for two seconds.

- Yeah. Okay.

- Can I ask what you see

and where you came from?

- I see... live people.

I see room. I see.

- No, I understand what you see physically right now.

I'm talking about like.

I feel like this is the first time

I've actually got to talk.

No, sorry. And I'm gonna back off.

I feel like this is the first time.

No you back off. Okay.

And now I'm gonna back off.

How about you stay over there and I'm gonna stay over here.

- It sounds good.

- I feel like this is the first time I've like

gotten to talk to somebody who's like been

on the other side.

- Yes.

- And so I'm just wondering like what is it?

- Green.

It's all green as far as the eye can see.

Little people, big people.

Really big people. Some big as mountains.

Some small as roach.

Ew. (Vic spits)

Ew. That's nasty.

- I think you got another letter.

- Where are they coming from?

- I don't know.

I figured maybe you can answer this.

- The letters aren't part of it.

- What do you mean the letters aren't part of it.

- I've never seen letters like this in my life.

What did you do?

- They're like specific to your journey and your situation.

- I can't read any of 'em.

I've just been playing along 'cause I felt rude.

- Can you not read this?

- No. And that one's really wet.

That one just says, "Hey," doesn't it?

- So you can read that? Here.

- I don't wanna touch that one.

- Okay.

- Okay, fine. - Okay.

(letter rustles)

(Vic coughs)

(letter rustles)

- Hey!

- Let me do that. Sorry. You got that.

So the hey.

- What does it say?

(letter rustles)

" Hey Vic, I hope you like letters.

"Signed, Letterman."

(letter rustles)

That's not me.

- What does this mean?

What does this mean?

- Why is that me?

- Because you're a ghost and you showed up here

and all of a sudden letters start falling out.

- You pulled that outta your mouth.

- You think that happens to me on a regular basis?

- I don't know.

You got a letter thing or something?

- You think this is on me.

You think I got a letter thing?

- I've never seen one letter in my life.

- You've never got mail in your life.

- Never got it.

- You never voted in an election.

- I know I should.

- Okay.

Well I'm just like, how do we send you back, you know,

'cause you're gonna get stuck.

- I'm good to hang.

- You're good to hang?

- Yeah. I could hang.

- You don't wanna go to like, like heaven.

- Heaven. I was.

- You were in heaven. - Yes.

The green place that's all green

with the little people and the large people.

- That's heaven? - Now I'm not sure actually

thinking about it.

There was this big gate that's like.

Like if that was the gate, they were like.

- Like this.

(hands slap)

I gotta get you to heaven.

- There's a good chance I could be here forever.

- We can't. And so we gotta get you back, I think,

'cause I can't really have a co-host.

It's not really a two-hander.

It's sort of a one hander.

- We should try it.

- We should try doing a two-hander host.

- Uh huh.

- What you gonna do like read my cards?

- Yeah.

- Nope. So you can't, okay,

so those are rapid fire questions

and that's sort of important for me to do.

- This one just says the Letterman cometh.

- What does that mean?

I picked those cards.

That's not on there.

- Letterman cometh.

- Who's the Letterman?

Do you know the Letterman?

- I...

- Now this is sort of a gaslighting situation.

- Whaddya mean this is sort of a gaslighting situation.

You are the one that keeps talking about the Letterman

and the letters and the Letterman coming.

- Are you kidding me?

- You read this and you said the the Letterman says hi.

- Yes.

I read it. - Where's the Letterman?

Is that like God?

- I'm telling you for real,

and I'm not trying to be mad.

I'm not trying to be mad right now,

but the Letterman has to do with you.

It does not have to do with me.

- You are acting like I'm weird right now.

You just appeared from the studio

and you're sort of coming up here and you're like, ha ha ha.

Like all there being like creepy and spooky

and you sort of got your hair in your face

and you're going like this.

- Now are we throwing punches?

Are we being rude?

- I'm not being rude.

I'm just saying you're sort

of throwing the Letterman at me

and I'm just sort of like.

You think I saw letters before this happened.

- Earth to Vic, earth to Vic.

It's the Letterman.

It's for you because I don't know what that is.

- It's not the Letterman for me.

It's absolutely not. - Yes, wait, hold on.

Are you serious? Are you serious?

Right now. Okay.

- Is someone? - Yeah.

- Who is it?

- They're coming here. Okay.

- Hello. - It's Gullible.

It's Gullible on the phone.

- Okay. Okay. So you know what,

I've actually decided that. I think maybe it's time.

- What did they say?

- It's time for you to go. So.

(shouting) - I'm too shy to leave.

Okay. I'm a shy guy and I won't be treated as I'm not, okay.

Shy people everywhere know what I'm talking about.

- No, we don't need shy representation.

I think it's fine.

- You've had it so good as a not shy person.

- Oh, you don't think I'm shy? - Oh yeah?

- I could be shy.

- Oh, you could be shy.

Look, you see it doesn't go that way.

It doesn't go that.

Okay. Wow. This is all being filmed.

Do you realize that?

Do you realize that?

- Do you realize that?

I tried to ask you some good questions.

I was trying to help you get out of here.

- I'm a fucking shy guy, okay?

And I won't be treated like this.

Help me finish my unfinished business so I can go to heaven

or be a talk show host here right now.

- Can't be a talk show host so let's.

- Why?

- You just spent all this time saying how shy you are.

- Yeah, I am.

- And so that's sort

of like, not like good for this.

And then also I think, I think

that it wouldn't work out between the two of us.

So, okay. And so the camera's just sort of floating at me.

Thank you so much.

- Oh, interesting who the letter went to.

We all caught that, right?

- Okay, well why don't you go ahead and take a peek at that.

- What?

(letter tears slowly)

- "Hi Vic.

"The Letterman says hell with this guy.

"He's not even shy."

Who the fuck is this?

- So here's sort of what, how I'm assessing this situation.

I sort of said that I wanted help sending you back.

And so all of a sudden we start getting information

about sending you back.

Then we're talking about the afterlife

and all of a sudden a letter addressed to me comes up

'cause I want to know answers.

- And it's all about. (letter twinkles)

- Hey. Wo-oah. - What?

- Hey, don't look down,

but on your side of the room, not mine,

a couple letters just flew in.

A couple letters just landed in here.

- So I understand that. Thank you.

- Three or four letters on your side of the room

and I'm just painting a picture here.

I'm just giving the data to everyone

so they can decide.

My side of the room, nothing.

Gosh, are there any letters over here?

Gosh!

- Do you wanna hear that maybe the Letterman is about me.

Is that sort of what you wanted to know?

- What do they say?

Letterman cometh, Letterman cometh, Letterman here.

(ominous music)

- Phoenix?

(envelope tears)

Phoenix, is there a chance that you're the Letterman?

Are you nodding your head Yes?

- Hypothetically speaking.

What if on the other side, it was not green,

but it once was green and the green was logged,

turned into paper, turned into piles

and piles of letters.

Hypothetically speaking, what if once you were on that side,

after you died in a clay pit in the Korean spa

that was taken over by white people,

what if you were sent back to pass letters

to those who needed to read them?

Hypothetically speaking.

- This one just says to Vic.

- Yeah.

(letter rustles)

- Okay, so this says it's not gonna,

it's not gonna happen in the way you want,

but it's gonna happen.

What does that mean?

- You read them out of order.

It's gonna make sense

when you did the first three.

- This is sort of an interview show and it's sort of,

- I forgot what they say.

- Okay.

(letters rustle)

This one says try again later.

(Vic exhales)

(letter rustles)

Look around you.

And this one is a receipt from the guitar center

for two bass lessons.

- So does it add up yet, Vic?

Is the picture being painted?

- So you're some sort of demon.

- I'm a shy man who died in a clay pit. Okay?

- Just tell me, you don't have to keep sending these.

You don't have to keep sending these, okay.

Because I know it's you

and you don't have to keep sending them.

Did that look cool?

- Did it?

Look Vic.

- If you just need to tell me,

why don't you just tell me it?

How about that?

- We have a rapport, don't we?

- Do you think?

- I could easily be a co-host for this show.

Is that what you're angling for?

- This is working, right?

This could be us, you know,

Vic and Phoenix in the morning, or what time is it?

- Phoenix did you come back to audition

to be my co-host for this show?

- Maybe.

- But you're too shy,

so you wrote it down?

Phoenix, you know what, I'm gonna ask you some questions.

We're gonna some rapid fire questions.

(gentle music)

- Phoenix.

- Ask me anything.

- What did you eat for breakfast?

- Mmm, clay.

- You ate clay for breakfast?

- But the day I died,

- The day you died.

Did you die this morning?

- What's today?

- Today's Friday?

- Yeah, Thur. Well, yeah, Friday morning.

- Friday morning.

- Because I made an appointment for a 9:15.

- So you died at 9:15 this morning?

- Yes.

- What is your favorite physical feature?

I feel like I know the answer to this.

- My nose.

- That's okay.

Alright, well this maybe feels a little offensive.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

- I think playing the second fiddle

to you on this set maybe?

- Nope. No. It's sort of a solo gig

and I'm actually probably not even gonna be here

for that long between you and me.

- So this might be open.

- I think probably the show will end gracefully,

sort of like, or sort of like Jon Stewart

and Trevor Noah and the other one

- The bassist? - Right.

Okay. Phoenix, my final question

for you is something I ask each and every one of my guests.

What is the meaning of life?

- Wow.

The meaning of life.

You know, as a person who has gone to the other side,

I feel oddly attuned to this question.

In life you always struggle to find your purpose,

to find your passion, and see if that is worth it.

But the meaning of life is right here.

It's dying and then giving someone letters until they agree

to let you be their co-host.

- Right.

- Because you've just got amazing rapport.

- You think we have amazing rapport?

- I think so.

You don't see that?

- You've just been screaming at me about

how shy you are.

- Okay, well hey, put her there.

- Okay, just.

(hands slap)

So it says Vic, read me, last one I promised.

Okay, so did you wanna?

- Yeah.

(letter tears)

- I don't even know why I handed it to you

'cause I knew

- Had to get it started.

- That was gonna happen.

(letter rustles)

Everyone deserves a second chance.

- Right?

Even a shy little guy like me.

(letter rustles)

- Okay, okay.

- You mean it. - Okay.

- Are you serious? - Okay.

(star twinkles)

- We all have a story to tell.

- Ain't that the truth?

- And sometimes those stories need

to be shared with the world,

- I guess so.

- Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis.

- And I'm the Letterman.

- Back another edition of

- "Very important People". - Vegetables in Pasta.

I was gonna be here.

- You were gonna be?

This is my seat,

- Right? But.

- You're gonna be on that one.

- I think it's my seat.

- I'm Vic Michaelis.

- I'm Vic Michaelis.

- Reminding you to be true to yourself.

- Unless you want to be true

- Somebody else, unless you wanna be somebody else.

Goodnight.

How'd you get hair in my mouth?

- It's just so much - Right?

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)

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