Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- Ty, you all right?

- Yeah.

- Karma's a bitch.

- Yeah she is.

- Look, why don't you kick off your boots

and try to untie the rope with your toes.

- What?

- I'm just spitballing here.

Why don't you try and gnaw

through the rope with your teeth.

- Eugene, come on over here and untie us!

- Yeah!

(machine whirring)

- [Ty] Hurry!

- Thanks Eugene.

Ty, no!

(loud crashing)

(jovial circus music)

(chuckling)

- Where you been Teet?

- Sorry, the line was really long.

Here is a delicious corn dog medley for you.

- Where's the beer?

- Oh it's a funny story.

One of the guys dates the bearded lady,

and he has a beard, and they were kissing.

It was so gross 'cause it sounded like wet velcro.

- He drank the beer.

- Yes I did, and I'm gonna drink some more

as soon as I pee this beer out.

- Well good luck getting home!

- Yeah, well good luck cleaning up my shit later!

(laughing)

I'm not gonna help!

I don't have to help!

- Eww, watch it!

- Oh.

(laughing)

- Sorry Brandy!

- It's Amber, you asshole.

- I know.

I'll call you later, we'll grab some drinks.

- Okay.

- Amber?

I thought it was Brandy.

- I'm pretty sure she knows.

(country rock music)

- Oh damn it.

Aw Teet.

Come on.

Come on!

(vomiting)

Christ, Teet.

Oh my god.

- Oh my god.

- That thing must've been full, brother.

- People are not eating healthy in there.

- Tyler O'Conner.

- Roxanna?

Hey.

- You remember my mom Phyllis.

- Oh yeah, of course.

I actually had to mow your lawn 10 times

because my brother Babe Ruthed your mailbox.

- And you chopped the head off one of my flamingos.

- That was an accident.

- I'll meet you in the car sweetie.

It's nice to see you, Tyler.

- Nice to see you too.

I like your shawl.

- Wow, so where's your brother?

Is he here?

(vomiting)

- Sorry. - What the fuck?

- I'm just gonna say no.

- Well so what have you been up to?

- You know, business.

Businesses.

I'm a day trader.

At night.

- Roxanna.

- Hey!

- Don't hug me, I'm covered in shit.

- Oh my god, why?

- Ty and I run a port-o-pod business.

We're number one when it comes to moving movement.

- Oh right.

- Hey Roxanna.

- Hey Dwayne.

Wow.

- This is probably what you think it is.

- Man, you look great.

- Thank you.

- We should grab some drinks tomorrow night

after the carnival rolls out.

- [Roxanna] Yeah, that sounds great.

- All right.

I'm gonna go finish cleaning up

this disgusting bastard over here.

- Yeah, please.

- That's me.

(laughing)

- Come on.

- See you later.

- So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?

- Yeah.

I'm sure you'll see me too.

I mean I'll see you too.

Not the band, I mean I'll see you there.

With the drinks and stuff.

- Okay, okay.

It was good to see you Tyler.

- Good to see you too.

(rock atmosphere music)

What the fuck?

♪ Hey, give me a piece of that cate ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey, give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Give me a piece of that cake ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Cake ♪

(country rock music)

- Man, Roxanna's so hot.

I mean she was always hot, but damn.

- Yeah, I think she was checking out my traps

when you were hosing me off.

- Yeah.

I'm sure shit-covered homeless guy

is exactly what she's going for.

- Cody, love is colorblind.

Has no palette.

It's odorless and tasteless.

You can never tell where you find it.

- What's that from?

- It's from life, it's from my life.

My experiences with ladies.

- What's up with you Ty?

- Why do you always have to make everyone look like an ass?

- What?

You talking about love palette over here?

Or is it Roxanna?

- No.

- Oooooh, it's Roxanna.

You got a thing for Roxanna?

- Maybe you got a little crushy-poo.

- I think he does.

- Oh stop here, stop here please.

- No!

- Please, please.

- We got beer at the house, Teet.

- I wanna get a box of wine. - All right.

But you're walking home.

- Just give me a second.

Get out.

♪ When you talk to rainbows and ♪

(humming)

- Ugh!

- I got no legs, mother bitches.

- Fuck, I just bought this.

- Check this out.

That's a number two.

(loud sniffing)

I had to bury some turkeys, okay?

Then my uncle made crystal meth out of that shit.

And now I can read your fucking mind.

You taste just like sun-dried tomato hummus.

(cans clanging)

(ominous atmosphere music)

(truck revving)

(pop dance music playing)

(louder truck revving)

- Goddammit!

Get that rutabaga dick out!

(cheering)

- Go on, man.

- [Carl] Holy shit!

(urinating)

- [Dermont] God-fucking-damn.

Like a snake eating a fucking apple.

Going too?

Here you go ladies.

Cut or uncut?

Take your choice.

- God-fucking-damn, you eat with that thing?

- [DB] Thank you.

- Get in here, man!

Come on.

- [Carl] Get the fuck outta here.

- All right, let's go.

(truck revving)

(crickets chirping)

(tense atmosphere music)

(loud rumbling)

(ground sizzling)

- Did you hear that?

- Yeah.

- Sounded like a bomb going off.

- Holy shit.

- What the fuck?

- What the fuck is going on here?

- I don't know, where's Teet?

- He's probably sleeping it off in the grain silo again.

- Look at the floor.

(ominous atmosphere music)

There's definitely something down this glowy hole.

- What the shit?

Ty, be careful.

Don't go near it.

- Why?

- Well let's see, it just shot out of the sky

and space fucked our house.

- Check it out.

It's not even hot.

It's kinda...

Magical.

No, it's not in a gay way something can be magical.

- [Cody] It's a fucking nightmare.

Shit.

- Smells like space.

(rooster crowing)

(yawning)

Please, I'm trying to eat.

- Gonna eat this?

That's cute.

Slept with your little rock?

Now you're buying it breakfast?

- I didn't sleep.

I was thinking this rock could make us a lot of money.

You know?

Make a video, upload it to the internet.

- Yeah?

And which of the four people that watch

your stupid video are gonna buy that rock?

- I don't know, dudes that research space and shit.

And cure diseases.

- Diseases in space?

- Sometimes.

- Huh.

- Astronauts get sick.

- Yeah, kinda like the feel of this thing.

Maybe I'll make you an offer. - All right, give it back.

- Oh no.

It's mine.

Possession's...

Tenths of the law.

(Spanish guitar melody)

- Give it back.

Give it back!

- What are you doing?

- Stop messing with me!

(singing in foreign language)

(groaning)

Idiot, you broke it!

- I slept in the yard.

What are you guys doing?

- Whoa, what the hell happened to your head?

- Holy shit.

You look like you got teabagged by a dragon.

- Oh no!

What is this?

- Looks like a baboon ass.

- Holy crap!

What the fuck is this?

- Maybe you should put some ice on it.

- I need to go to the hospital.

Don't I need to go to the hospital?

- The hospital's really far.

- You ever seen The Bowler?

- Hello?

(haunting organ melody)

Who's there?

(suspenseful synthesizer music)

You can't be in here.

(laughing)

- [Teet] Holy shit.

- That's strike.

Now that's a strike.

We need to go bowling.

- You guys, this is so gross.

I don't even wanna go bowling.

Why do they even call it a turkey?

They should call it a snake.

'Cause it strikes like a cobra.

Turkey sounds sissy to me.

It strikes.

(woman screaming)

I do not look like that.

(snickering)

- Hey.

I can't find my dress.

Can I give this back to you?

- We might not be around, but just leave it

in the mailbox and I'll get it then.

- Okay.

- Cool, I'll catch you later Brandy.

- It's Amber.

- It's Amber.

- I know, Amber.

Geez.

It's an inside joke.

Between you and me.

Me and you.

- Oh, okay.

Bye.

Call me!

- I will.

- Real classy.

Was she here all night?

- Yeah.

(ominous atmosphere music)

Oh we were wasted.

We were drinking whiskey.

Can you smell it?

Watch this, watch this.

This is my favorite part.

- You like, baby?

- Oh yeah.

Rick Lebeau like.

(cheering)

- It's just a streak of blood going down.

(laughing)

- Where'd you find this movie?

- Get your head out of the gutter.

(screaming)

(peppy pop atmosphere music)

♪ Every time we go it makes me feel so ♪

- Dude!

What's going on boys?

- Cody!

- You know we're fixing to go rat fishing, man.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah, my uncle says they're biting on turkey bacon.

- Yeah, well come on, man. Everybody's going, man.

Bring ol' smoke-head Charlie Chaplin with you.

- Rat fishing.

Who's everyone?

- Oh me, Sami...

- Damn.

I'm actually doing some fishing of my own.

Roxanna's back in town for a few weeks.

- Oh no shit.

- I bet that girl fucks too.

- I bet she has a G-spot.

Let's go.

- All right.

Hey, I'll catch you later boys, but count me in next time.

- [Sami] That's your loss, dick.

(laughing) Dick.

- Hi.

- Hey fuckface!

You avoid Jimmy?

- No, I'd never avoid Jimmy.

We've been working.

- Oh.

Work two weeks and then be lazy ass

for the rest of the year.

That's American dream no?

- Well sorta.

But it's a pretty shitty two weeks.

- That's funny.

Because you are shit, and your brother, he do shit too.

Yeah?

- [Cody] Yeah.

- Motherfuckers.

Hey, what happened to the copper top you fuck last week?

You know, she had orange on top

and then her bottom like a carrot?

- (chuckling) I think that expression's

getting a little lost in translation.

- Exactly.

What happened to her?

- She went back to Minnesota.

- You know, she probably getting dicked.

- Yeah.

I have no idea. - No no, I'm telling you.

She's getting dicked hardcore.

Like in those pornos, huh?

Sometimes maybe somebody shit on her,

but she is getting dicked.

- Okay Jimmy.

- Right in her mouth.

Maybe in her ass, yeah.

- Well good for her.

- Good for her.

- [Cody] Yeah.

- Sorry for you.

- Okay.

Thanks Jimmy.

(country rock music)

Where's Teet?

- Probably trying to cheat the cigarette machine again.

- I'll take one of those. - Hey Roxie, how are you?

- Hi, good, how are you?

- Don't worry, there's no shit on me.

- That's good.

- Yeah.

This one's all yours.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- (mocking) Hey.

(laughing)

So how's the city?

- [Roxanne] It's good.

The city is good.

- You got a boyfriend?

- Wow, you're just gonna jump right in there huh?

- Cody might not be as smooth as you remember him to be.

- Oh I don't remember him being smooth.

- Oh come on.

You were crazy about me.

- Hey Roxanna.

- Hey Dwayne.

I like your hat.

- Thanks, but it's Teet though.

- Your hat?

- No, my name.

That's what people are calling me now.

- If I remember correctly, you used

to ask me out all the time, Roxie.

I was the quarterback.

- Hey Cody.

- Hey you.

- Wow.

He really has a way with the ladies.

- Yeah, sure.

He wasn't the quarterback, he was a quarterback.

A benchwarmer.

They put him in the game one time and he lost the ball.

- What, he fumbled?

- No.

They just never found it.

So embarrassing.

- [Dermont] Well well well.

- Well well well.

- Look at these sword swallowers.

Sword referring to the penis,

swallowing referring to the act of fellatio.

- I love fellatio.

- The whole thing's a biological euphemism, Carl.

And if it ain't ol' "Rocks Off" Roxanna.

My truck bed sure been missing you, baby.

- Really?

That's funny, 'cause I don't think we've ever met.

- It's Dermont.

Dermont Spicard!

- I believe she's talking about your truck bed, genius.

- She's not very good with names.

- You fucking say something?

- Oh shit! - Oh shit!

- That looks like you're shaving balls.

- [Roxanne] Wait, are you okay?

- Yeah.

It's not as bad as it looks.

Just got pretty sunburned on top.

- That shit smells like feces shit.

- Good fucking god.

- That actually might be this hat, guys.

I don't even remember where I...

- Can it, cream puff!

Come on, take a shot at me. I know you wanna do it.

I can see it in your pussy face. Come on!

- We don't like no pussy around here.

- All right Dermont, back the fuck up!

- Oh I'm sorry.

Did someone give this pussy mouth permission to speak?

- We didn't give his mouth dick!

- Dermont, when you look in the mirror

don't you see a lame bully from a low budget

80s movie staring back at you?

- Yeah, like Ski School.

- What?

(tense atmosphere music)

That was totally radical.

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

What's going on here?

- Back off Cody, we're about to beat

your brother's ass up in here!

- Yeah! - Hell yeah!

- Hey fuck you, chigger dick!

- Oh listen to you, showing off for you skirt slut.

- [Ty] What did you just say?

- Hold on.

Why don't you guys just calm down

a little bit and take a few deep breaths.

- Actually, I'm gonna go, so you guys have fun.

Play nice please.

- There she goes again.

Same way she came.

- You better keep that pony saddled, boy.

Else there's gonna be a dog fight up in here!

- We don't like dog fights.

- No, Carl, we do like dog fights

'cause we like fighting like we're the dogs.

Woof!

You may or may not have herpes right now.

- Yeah, canine erectus fucking cockfucker!

- You guys are all fucking retarded.

- You guys are fucking retarded!

(loud thud)

- Was that Catfish?

- Yeah.

- Goddammit!

- [Carl] Should we help him up?

- No no no.

Just give him a minute.

(country rock music)

- I did it again.

- Thought you took care of that shit, man.

- I can't just pop a pill, Dermont.

It's a very sensitive condition called vasovagal syndrome.

It's caused by malaise mediated by the vaso nerve.

This malaise, in my case, is caused

by sudden loud noises, i.e. a pool cue

slammed against a table childishly,

causing the syncope, or "fainting."

- Goddammit, you fainting fag.

- Whoa whoa whoa!

I have told you about using the F-word.

You are fully aware that my older brother

is a homosexual and I will not tolerate

the use of the F-word around me.

There's a bevy of other substitutions for that word.

Such as, but not limited to, hung jurors,

ass assassins, anal assassins, anal avengers,

bone burglars, randy Randies, butthole surfers,

Sally, Suzies, Marys, flamers, butt pirates,

sweet sailors, homos, Uncle Rons, Suzie Qs,

tongue taddlers, romp rangers, flesh fencers,

pot fillers, ditch diggers, dingleberry Dans,

loose Larries, Han Solos, super soakers,

Sir Galahad, Sir Kay, Sir Lancelot,

any of your Knights of the Round Table,

but you will not use the F-word in my presence.

- All right fellas, why you don't go finish

playing some pool and I'll send over a pitcher.

- You send over two.

- What the fuck Cody?

You're actually gonna buy these butt babies a pitcher?

- Ty, go to the car.

- Why don't you get in that back seat for me,

you cute little doggy.

- Hey Jimmy, can I get two pitchers on me?

- Yeah Jimmy.

Pour a couple ice cold pitchers on me.

- Remind me to get this car looked at, Madson.

- Keep your thumbs out of my rectal cavity.

I know you love it.

- You wish I'd put my thumbs

in your rectal cavity, you freak.

- Take these cuffs off of me, you poor (mumbles).

Ow.

- Easy on the sauce, Eugene.

Public intoxication will get you locked up.

A bunch of other reasons you should be

locked up too, you drunk donut.

- Fuck your mother, hoss.

- What'd you say?

- Hey!

Holster that shit.

It's not worth it.

- Your mother taught him Sunday School.

His mother taught you Sunday School!

- My mother taught, what the fuck are you talking about?

Get back in the car.

Get in there, Hot Rod! - Get in there, Hot Rod.

- My mother's a good woman, asshole.

- Fucking Sunday School!

- You're gonna need to put some gratitude

in that attitude, or I'll take you down hard.

On the streets.

Goddammit.

(car revving)

Suck my cock!

- Shit.

- Hey.

Honey dipper man.

Am I glowing?

- No Eugene, you're not glowing.

- I left the bar last night man.

Got in my truck, locked the door, fell asleep.

- That's great, man.

- Next thing I know man, I wake up naked

as the day I was pooped out and covered

in this fucking white powder,

look like a goddamn cream puff.

So I crawled out the window onto the roof.

- Butt naked?

- Yeah, naked man, naked, butt naked.

Naked naked naked, naked as all get-out.

I'm sitting out there, I feel this zap.

Them pigs, man, are tasering my ass off the top of the roof.

Probably covering for them damn aliens.

They don't do shit about it.

I know why they fucking with me too.

It's cause I'm dating one of them's sister

and they don't like it none.

Aliens, aliens, aliens.

Man, they're tricky bastards.

Trying to scare me off.

- All right Eugene, well...

I'm gonna go.

- I ain't going nowhere.

I'm in love with that alien.

I got to go check my wang.

(impish atmosphere music)

- Bet I could take Dermont.

- Take him where?

- Take him out.

You know, take him down.

- Oh.

Nah, I doubt it.

- Well I could if Cody would stop being

such a fucking front wiper and back me up for once.

- Yeah, maybe if it was like two against one

and he had arthritis in his hands

and he was really tired.

- I just feel like he's always

trying to sabotage me or something.

He's always embarrassing me in front of everyone.

- Yeah, like in front of Roxanna.

Definitely noticed that.

- God, she must think I'm such a fucking loser!

- Whoa!

How'd you do that?

- Do what?

- You just kicked that dumpster across

the parking lot like it was nothing.

- Yeah.

It's on wheel, it was nothing.

- It's definitely something.

You're like a Kodiak grizzly bear cub.

Strength of a lion.

- Come on, let's go.

- Oh my god.

- Come on, let's go!

- Wake up Tyler!

- Jesus Christ!

- (laughs) Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, that was really funny.

- I was just...

- You were just looking at the worst

picture of me ever taken?

- No, I mean well I was, but it's not,

it's not a bad picture, it's a good picture.

I mean you look gorgeous.

I mean I know that you're underage obviously.

But I mean what I'm saying is that you look the same.

You haven't changed.

- Nice, Tyler.

- Actually, I noticed that you never signed it.

- Well give it to me.

Thank you.

(giggling)

- What are you doing here so early?

- Well I was on my way to the church to take

some of my dad's stuff and I thought of you.

I don't know why.

Because you wouldn't wear these.

- No, are you kidding me?

I've been looking for a purple paisley shirt.

Just like this one.

With the six inch collar.

- [Roxanna] Were you?

- I was.

- Yeah, I'm gonna take it to the church

with the rest of the stuff.

- No, I'm just kidding.

It's great.

It fits perfectly.

- Aww shit.

He's awake.

- Aww crap.

- You guys are really pulling out all the stops today huh?

- Yeah, we were until he fucking woke up.

- Real original guys.

- Whoa.

Rawr.

Someone's a little cranky this morning.

- I'm not cranky.

- No?

Well then why you pouncing all over us?

(laughing)

What'd you bring me?

- Oh, just some old shirts and stuff,

but I have to get back to the church.

- What?

You're leaving already?

- Yeah.

- Don't you wanna stick and see if Mr. Mistoffelees

over here is gonna do a little dance number?

- Wow, you are terrible.

- Yeah, that's a musical reference.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna get this back to you later.

Bye guys.

- See ya.

- Bye Roxanna!

- Hoof.

I'm gonna have to take myself a cold shower.

Clean myself up a little bit.

That'll work.

- That's disgusting.

I have the whiskers don't I?

(snickering)

And the angry eyebrows?

- Yeah.

(laughing)

Oh my god.

I just can't get over how you

moved that dumpster last night.

- It was on wheels.

- Yeah, but I tried to move it and I couldn't

make it even budge and I'm pretty strong.

- Is this happening?

- You said put ice on it.

- Ice.

I said put ice on it.

Not my bone-in ribeye I was saving

to grill on Saturday night.

- I'm sorry about your Saturday steak,

but I think my swollen membrane's

a little more important right now.

Besides, it's still good.

You can eat it later.

- I'm not eating your head steak, Teet.

- Oh that reminds me.

You guys also busted through the wall

yesterday like the Kool-Aid guy.

Oh yes.

- What are you talking about?

- Teet seems to think that the meteorite's

given me superpowers.

- It's like in Phenomena.

- You've seen Phenomena but you haven't seen Goonies?

- So?

- Let me see that thing.

- You can see half.

- Can we all have a half?

Hey maybe you can fly too.

Maybe he can fly.

- Well you know what?

Dermont did try to hit me with that pool cue

last night and I caught it.

- What?

- Like Chuck Norris.

- All right, I don't need you drunken idiots

jumping off this roof and hurting yourself.

- Cody!

- Why would you do that?

I'll find it.

- You need to get it together and stop

listening to this sweaty cro-magnon.

- That's hurtful, Cody.

- You know what?

Maybe I should just swoop down and pick him up

with my talons and tear him up like an aviary fajita.

- A fajita for birds.

You know the nice thing about birds is they can

band together and fight other animals.

Like seven hawks could kill a bear,

or two falcons could fight a giant scorpion.

It's pretty common knowledge that eagles

and wolves are a one to one ratio.

- [Cody] What happened to all the beer?

- I don't know!

Hey Teet, pass me one of those secret beers.

- There were like 10 left!

- It's a total mystery.

Oof!

- Oh my gosh, are you okay?

- Yeah, I think the ground broke my fall.

- Birds have dicks right?

I got an idea.

Okay, so super strength.

I think we both can agree on that one.

Okay, ready?

- One sec.

- Set.

- You already cut it.

(loud thud)

- Go.

- [Ty] I'm okay!

- That's awesome.

Super speed.

Okay.

So you wanna go to the far bale, pull out the flag,

come back, punch the watermelon.

So to the far bale...

- Yeah, I know, I got it. I got it, just tell me when to go.

- All right.

Ready?

- Yeah.

- Set. - Okay.

- Go!

Holy crap!

- How was that?

Was that fast?

- I could see you, but you were like a blur.

Almost a blur the entire time.

Definitely turning water into beer.

Well that's not good.

- Every time I try to breathe in

I just kept drinking more water.

But it kinda tasted like beer.

- Really?

- Yeah, try it.

Right?

- It really does!

- Yeah.

- I feel like it's some kind of pilsner.

Or maybe like a summer ale?

Or like a seasonal pumpkin spice ale.

It's delicious, but has a little bit

of a yuck at the end, but I think

that's just from the bathtub.

You know, you know what the stupidest animal is?

Mules.

'Cause they're like, two mules can't make a mule.

You know?

It's like a donkey and a horse have sex.

Then they have a mule.

But then if a mule and a mule

have sex, guess what you get?

- Cheers to that, man.

- Why?

I wasn't done explaining.

- Cheers to that.

This is so fucking awesome, man.

- How is this awesome for me though?

I look like a werewolf's ballsack is on my head.

- So you guys know that you're legal adults now right?

- Yeah. - You can sorta see where...

(nonsensical gibberish)

- Oh shit, Roxanna.

I didn't know you were coming by.

I didn't know she was coming by.

- Yeah, Cody called.

And we're looking at this.

- Oh yeah, we just did this.

Hey, you gotta check this out.

- I swear to god, if you don't put some pants on

I'm gonna punch you in the dick.

- Hey, shut the fuck up for a second and watch.

- All right, you're drunk.

- Yeah I'm drunk.

I found out I can turn water into beer.

You'd be drunk too if you did that.

- I don't have time for this.

- Hey wait, Cody, just wait, wait.

I'm invisible.

- Tyler, are you okay?

- Yeah.

I'm good, I just...

I'm gonna go put on some pants.

- Hi Dwayne.

- Ty's not wearing any pants.

- Yeah.

- Where'd the invisible man go?

And why is no one wearing any goddamn clothes?

- Are we still down to go get some drinks?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- [Roxanna] What about Ty?

- Yeah, I think he's had enough.

- I don't really wanna leave him.

- We're coming!

I'll give him a ride.

And we'll come to the bar and meet you with pants.

- There's a plan.

- Get some chips?

- No thank you.

- High five, buddy.

This one looks like my dad.

- Where'd they go?

- Are we still down to go get some drinks?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- Oh, I don't know where they went.

I have a question.

Could you make some more of that beer for me?

- True or false?

Yes.

- True?

- You win a prize, and that prize is a beer.

- I will drink all the beer you make.

- No, I'm gonna drink some of it too.

I'm like fucking Jesus.

- More like Samuel Adams.

- Think about it.

Say you got this girl, like a girl you like.

- Yeah?

- Well I could sneak into her room

and spy on her and see what she's doing.

- How is that good for me?

- I can find out if she's into some weird bondage shit

or if she has a sick rash on her vag.

- That's pretty cool.

This is inspiring me to write songs.

♪ More beer for me, more beer for you ♪

(giggling)

Hey look, Cody's home.

- [Roxanne] Take care.

Please.

- [Cody] Okay.

- Looks like they had a really good time.

Uh-oh.

Oh no, Cody!

I'll help you!

Cody!

- (laughs) Cody, hi.

You see me fall?

- [Teet] Yeah.

- You look like a bottlenose dolphin right now.

(dolphin noises)

- That's not what they sound like.

- And you're all wet.

(dolphin noises)

(laughing)

(groaning)

What the fuck?

(playful whistling atmosphere music)

(remixed scat singing)

(ominous atmosphere music)

- I see you found your pants.

What are you doing?

- I'm just checking out the...

The bricks here.

- Just checking out the bricks huh?

- Looking at the bricks, yeah.

- Okay.

Well me and Cody missed you last night at The Greek's.

- Think I may have overindulged a tad early.

- Yeah, well it was certainly entertaining.

- Yeah, and embarrassing.

- [Roxanna] Hey, you wanna see something?

- Yeah, sure.

- Okay, can we go now, or do you

need some more time with your bricks?

- No, actually.

Everything checks out here.

Good solid brickmanship.

- Okay, well you wanna grab your shoes?

- Probably a good idea.

- Okay.

- All right, let's go.

- It was so funny because we would just watch you.

You came in every day looking through the bins.

- Yeah, I actually don't remember it being that funny.

I got grounded for losing that jacket

and my parents took my bike away for a week.

That's good.

- Woo!

- I also had to wear that horrible jean jacket

of Cody's with the White Snake patch on the back.

- The shop teacher made you turn it

inside out 'cause it was considered offensive.

- Yeah, she was just upset

'cause she looked like Fred Savage.

- Oh my god, she did.

- Right?

- Wow.

Well I'm sorry about your jacket,

but I was just an accomplice okay?

And I thought you were cute,

so that was flirting, not stealing.

Okay.

- What are you looking for?

- You'll see.

Oh my gosh!

- Oh shit, the chick chart?

- Mmmhm.

- It does exist.

(laughing)

- I wonder who wrote about me in this.

- Well could've been anyone right?

(laughing)

- Three stars?

Is that good?

Shouldn't I be like 10 stars?

- 10 stars out of five?

That's just a little ambitious don't you think?

- What is a rusty trombone?

- Okay, you know what?

Girls aren't supposed to see this,

and whoever told you about it is a traitor.

- Really?

- Really, yeah.

In fact, me just being here

is a major breach of the man code.

It's all here in the table of contents.

- I'll breach your man code.

Let me see this.

- No, you're not allowed to see it.

- Let me see it.

You can't tell me what to do. - Yes I can.

- No you can't.

- Yeah, because I'm a man and this is the...

Two percent?

(high-pitched musical scream)

What the fuck?

(electropop atmosphere music)

- What!

- We should go, we should go.

- Come on man, let's stop this.

- You just (mumbles).

I'm gonna dunk you in some milk

and I'm gonna eat you up, come on!

- I'm serious, stop it!

- Shh, shh!

- Stop!

(electric buzzing)

- What did you do?

- I have no idea.

(groaning) (electric buzzing)

- Tyler, we should go.

- Yeah, let's go.

Let's go this way.

- That was awesome!

- Easy, mad dog, easy!

- Did you see that?

That's my first tase!

I didn't think these things shot that far!

- It was pretty great.

- That's my first tase, boss.

- Back off!

Remember what I said about the perimeter.

The prongs aren't even in him.

- What?

They hit the puddle.

He's but ass naked, he's standing in a puddle!

Taser hits the puddle, he's all...

- Stop yelling at me.

I think you're right though.

- Taser hits the puddle.

- Holy shit, young balls.

(laughing)

- That was awesome.

Check his pulse, see if he's still ticking.

- I think he's alive.

(screaming)

- Oh, oh, oh!

- Son of a...

- Did that hurt?

- Bitch! - I'm sorry boss, I swear...

- Lick him!

Lick him!

Don't lick him, I'm kidding.

(laughing)

You're a dick.

Let's get his ass.

He's like a meth Jesus.

What the fuck's his problem with the milk?

- Was he throwing milk at us?

- Yeah, that was clearly milk.

What other substance could it be?

- So random.

(truck revving)

- Hey guys.

- [Roxanna] Hey Dwayne.

- Boy Teet, you just came outta nowhere huh?

- Yup, pretty cool huh?

- Hey, are you wearing one of my dad's shirts?

- Oh yeah, sorry.

Were these not for grabs?

I cut the sleeves off so it wouldn't be so hot.

- Well you wear it well, Dwayne.

- Thank you.

- Well I'm gonna go wash this cow out of my hair.

Do you have plans later?

- Yeah, I actually have a...

- I'll take you home.

I'm not doing anything.

Just cruising.

- Okay.

- All right.

- Nice of you.

- Well if you're not doing anything later,

maybe we could meet up for a milkshake.

Some fucking...

This is really lodged in this little crevice here.

You know, I just feel like we didn't get

our daily dose of dairy, you know?

Gotta balance those food groups.

- I had fun today, Tyler.

- Yeah, me too.

- Bye Dwayne!

- Bye Roxanna, it's Teet though.

(car revving)

- What's all this trash for?

- Well Tyler, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

One man's pain is another man's pleasure.

And now we ride.

(revving)

(upbeat funk music)

Man, she's making me a little uncomfortable

to be honest with you.

(ominous atmosphere music)

She's just really flirtatious with me.

She's all over me.

- Hey, could you do me a favor?

Drop me off at The Greek's and when you

get home tell Cody to meet me there.

- She was all "bye Dwayne" when we left.

Just the way she says it, just in her voice.

I can tell.

- Are you listening?

- Yeah, take you to The Greek's,

tell Cody to meet you there, I got it.

Geez.

- Okay good, and tell him to hurry.

I don't want him to miss this.

- All I'm saying is that the way she acts,

it's so obvious that she's into me.

- Remember to tell Cody.

- See you later.

- Hey there, fucker face.

- Hey Jimmy.

Can I just get a glass of water?

- Sure.

Hey, where is your woman?

- Who?

- The girl from the other day.

Really good looking.

- Oh yeah, I know, she is pretty cute.

- Nah man, she's very sexy.

- I think she's at home.

- Getting dicked.

- (laughs) I don't know about that.

- I'm telling you, my friend, she's getting dicked.

Hardcore dicking.

Happening right now.

While you have some water.

- All right, Jimmy.

- The government, right?

The government, that's who's dicking us.

- Dicking!

- I'll tell you something.

The government knows about them aliens, right?

And they ain't doing nothing.

Nothing.

- Yes, the aliens and the government, they dick each other.

Okay, crazy man.

Watch the bar.

- So this is that girl I've been trying

to hook up with from the DUI class, y'all.

- No shit.

Captive audience, how could you fail?

- Hey, and she ain't no alchy or nothing neither.

She got her DUI drinking that camomile tea.

- Yeah, sure.

- Hey man, I'm not making it up, man.

- My uncle got a DUI after taking some estrogen pills.

He started growing boobs.

Not like a dude with fat tits.

I'm talking a dude with chick tits.

I like chick tits.

- That's great, man.

So anyway, I finally get the nuts

to ask this girl out, man.

And we get to dinner, we plow through

that sum bitch, then we get into the tequila.

She's licking salt off my neck,

I'm feeding her limes and shit.

Man, I got this girl home and it is on.

I'm banging the shit out of this pussy, dude.

I am going off.

And she starts hollering this weird shit at me,

she starts hollering "go get it.

"Go get it."

I'm still trying to figure out what "it" is.

- I mean was she thirsty or...

- Yeah man, real thirsty.

Anyways, so I slow down.

And she pulls me by my hair down real close.

She pops her eyes open and goes...

"Get awesome!"

- What the fuck?

- What the fuck.

- What's that even mean?

- Man, I have no goddamn idea, dude.

I was whisky limp at the dick fight that night, boy.

I had to thumb my little pecker back in there,

give it a couple pumps, and fake it

so she'd get the fuck out.

- That is the scariest story I have ever heard.

And I saw The Exorcist in 3D.

But your story's true.

And I think in a lot of ways it makes it more scary.

- [Cody] Wait, you faked it?

- Oh yeah.

Yeah, I faked that fucker.

- You ever call her again?

- Fuck no, man! I think I'd rather do a damn weekend

in jail than get with that girl again, man.

I'm afraid to go back to class.

- Hey guys.

(laughing)

- [Chris] Jesus.

- Damn, you said that fucker was big, but hell,

you have to step into that motherfucking shirt?

- Yeah, first rule of Fight Club.

- Hey Eddie Vedder, you seen Ty?

- Oh yeah, I saw him. He's at...

Take you to The Greek's, tell Cody to meet you there.

I got it.

Geez.

At Roxanna's house and she said to tell you to come over.

But she said it like this.

Hey, tell Cody he should come over.

- No shit.

- So I'd probably go over there if I were you.

If you know what I mean. - You boys wanna go?

- Yeah, I'm gonna head on to work.

- Yeah, I gotta run home too.

- So you gotta head home?

- Yeah, I gotta run home for a bit.

- Yeah, so you're gonna head home huh?

- Yeah, that's what I just said.

- You're gonna head on outta here?

- All right, you guys are acting weird.

- Seriously?

- I think this is just going right over his head.

- Head 'em up, move 'em out!

Kick dust then, man.

We'll see you.

- All right, we're still making fun of him right?

Because it just felt like it turn a turn.

All right, I'm keeping an eye on your jackasses.

- Yeah, keep an eye on your head.

- I'll head back a little later.

- Oh, he got it!

- I don't think that was on purpose.

- [Chris] All right, fuck you guys.

- Geez.

- [Chris] Particularly you, Teet!

- Sorry.

- What the fuck man?

Every day.

- Them bastards could've had me out there, man,

butt fucking my shit with a three foot pole,

and tossing my salad, and burning my dick

with a stolen Zippo, but I can't remember nothing, man.

Nothing, it's just a big blank dash.

- What makes you think they're doing

fucked up shit like that?

- My ass was sore and my junk was burnt.

It's still flaking.

It's the most awful think I've ever...

- Well well well.

Look at this crazy motherfucker.

- Look at this crazy motherfucker.

- Trying to come in here with my boys,

get fucked up on long islands,

I gotta listen to your crazy ass?

- Only pussy boys drink long islands.

- Long islands are filled with booze

and they're fucking delicious.

- Chicken is good food if you wanna eat some.

- Fuck the meat, crazy man.

- Hey, why don't you jizz jugglers leave Eugene alone?

- Oh shit.

Time to fuck, little man.

- No Carl, it's time to fight.

- Just let Eugene finish his meal, all right?

- Thanks, man boy.

(electric buzzing)

- What is this bullshit?

(laughing)

- What the...

- [Dermont] Motherfucker!

- I got it, Dermont.

I got it man. - Get the fuck off me, Carl!

Don't touch me!

Come here!

(laughing)

Hey Catfish!

(rhythmic drumming)

- Hey Ty.

Shit.

You got a bloody nose.

- Yeah, I got the shit kicked out of me

because Cody never fucking showed up!

- [Teet] Is it broken?

- I don't know.

Feels a little crooked, but I think it's all right.

- Oh no, I was talking about the bike.

- Screw you, dude.

Where the fuck was he?

- I told him that you were gonna go

to The Greek's and that you said

to meet him there and everything.

He kept talking about wanting to bang Roxie.

And then I guess he went over there.

He was like "I'm gonna go bang Roxie."

(laughing)

Cody's always wanting to bang stuff, you know?

He's like, probably just went over there.

So...

I'll just get the bike from you later I guess.

I could really use it.

(folk rock music)

♪ Drink me a bottle of nightrain ♪

♪ I'mma drink me a bottle of nightrain ♪

♪ Glug glug ♪

♪ Drink so much on the bottle I forget his name ♪

- [Roxanna] Tyler is lucky to have had you.

Imagine if you had been alone.

He'd be almost as lost as you.

(laughing)

- I'm not lost.

I'm just trying to figure out where I'm going.

- That's lost.

That's what they call lost.

(laughing)

- I guess that is lost. - Wanna look it up?

- No, we don't need to.

- God you're dumb.

- What the fuck?

(laughing)

You've had too much.

- I've had just enough.

♪ Told my secret to a junky whore ♪

♪ She looked at me pitiful ♪

♪ Said I been down that road before ♪

♪ Well I won't let nobody tell me what I do ♪

♪ Won't let nobody tell me what I do ♪

♪ Won't let nobody tell me ♪

- You have a good time?

- What the fuck, Ty?

- What the fuck is right, Cody.

- What happened to you?

- Well while you were playing grab ass with Roxanna,

I was down at The Greek's getting my ass

handed to me by Dermont and those other assholes.

- Well why would you go down there by yourself?

- You have no idea, do you?

I'm getting stronger and faster

than you'll ever know, Cody.

And you can't stop me.

Nobody can.

The rock has powers, Cody.

The power is in the space rock.

And I can use it to do magnificent things.

- All right.

- [Ty] Power's in the space rock.

Power so magnificent.

(hip hop atmosphere music)

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Awnaw, hell naw boy ♪

♪ Y'all done up and done it ♪

♪ Awnaw, hell naw boy ♪

♪ Y'all done up and done it ♪

♪ Awnaw, hell naw boy ♪

♪ Y'all done up and done it ♪

♪ Man, y'all done up and done it ♪

♪ My first song was like 48 bars with no hook ♪

♪ You hear me flipping through my pages ♪

♪ Out my favorite notebook ♪

♪ The microphone was in the closet ♪

♪ No headphones, we lost it ♪

♪ Niggas scared to get some water ♪

♪ Roaches hanging over the faucets ♪

- That thing not working?

- No, it's a piece of shit.

- What's the zero for?

- It's not a zero, it's an O.

O'Conner, my name.

- Looks like a zero.

- [Roxanna] Hey Cody.

- How are you ladies?

- [Roxanna] Doing good, you remember my mom?

- Course I remember Phyllis.

- Looks like somebody fucked

with your mailbox for a change.

- Kiss your daughter with that mouth Phyllis?

- I'm just saying karma's a bitch.

- Yeah, she sure is isn't she?

- Have you see Ty around?

- I haven't seen him all day.

I think he's mad at me.

- Would you make sure he gets this?

- Yeah, sure will.

Am I gonna see you later?

- Well that depends if I wanna hang out with you guys,

or if I wanna hang out with this old bag.

- Well I say bring her.

All right, bye ladies.

- [Roxanna] Bye.

(rhythmic clacking)

(industrial rock music)

♪ Well hell's bell, what you trying to say ♪

- [Roxanna Voiceover] Dear Tyler.

Guess what?

I did have a great summer, and also I never changed.

I hope the same goes for you because

you are always sweet, cute, and most of all

the secret crush I never admitted to.

XOXO yours, Roxie.

♪ That's what you get ♪

- Hey.

- What are you doing?

- I fixed your scooter.

- What?

- Yeah, there's water in the carb.

- You don't even know what a carburetor looks like.

- What's the zero stand for?

- I told you it's not a zero.

- [Teet] Well it has a slash through it, so...

- Yeah, well it's a meteor trail from space okay?

What do you want?

- What's wrong with you?

- Let me think.

My parents are dead, I live in a dump,

my brother's a dick, and he stole the girl of my dreams.

- Yeah, and you take people's shit for a living.

♪ I'm ready to dive into the crowd like ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(hip hop atmosphere music)

♪ Repeat after me ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Get bust in your face, get your teeth knocked out ♪

♪ Wild like us, wild like us ♪

♪ I jump off the stage and whoop your ass ♪

♪ Wild like us, wild like us ♪

- Hey Tyler, we need to talk.

- Sorry, can't hear you!

- [Cody] Can you just come inside?

- I said I can't hear you!

- Where's he going?

- Said he was going to The Greek's.

- He what?

Why would he go back there?

- Some kind of secret plan.

- [Cody] What plan?

- I don't know, it's a secret.

Cody!

Truck won't start.

- What?

- There's water in the carb.

- Fuck!

- Good luck, Cody.

♪ I be on sick shit ♪

♪ Baby dick, I still had triplets ♪

♪ Who wanna die today ♪

♪ Brother (mumbles) ♪

♪ Who got something to say ♪

♪ Yeah, speak the fuck up ♪

♪ Master Jay's getting beat the fuck up ♪

(rock atmosphere music)

♪ Fight ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ Win ♪

- Look at this shit.

♪ Go ♪

- Jimmy, gimme a water.

♪ Win ♪

- That pussy dick.

Come on.

♪ Fight ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ Win ♪

- Well well well.

Look at this shitstorm.

- Hey guys.

You gonna fight?

Not here.

- Jimmy, you know I love you, but I'm gonna

have to ask you to stay the fuck out of this.

- Yeah, shut up bitch.

- Don't talk to him that way.

- What's the zero stand for?

The zero amount of pussy

you're getting from your skirt slut?

(laughing)

- It's not a zero.

It's an O.

For oh no, you're about to bleed

all over your clean tuxedo.

- That is no way to talk to a man in his own home, boy.

I thought I told you yesterday.

I own it, and I own you.

- Goddamn right, so you take your fucking shoes off

before you step on those fine Persian rugs, boy.

- Carl, what the fuck are you talking about?

- I'm just talking about a hardworking

exotic olive skin man working on a wooden loom

making a piece of art that to get blood on

would be a fucking heartbreaking experience.

- Carl, you have to cut this shit out, man!

- See, what you don't understand here Dermont

is you don't have the upper hand in this situation.

In fact you don't even have the lower hand.

You got no hands.

- Goddamn, you stinky taint!

Four dudes, four fucking hands!

- Carl!

We have eight fucking hands!

Shut up with this stupid shit!

- I'm just fucking saying we're ripped dudes

that are pretty good with our hands.

- Who's up for a game?

- We're balls deep in some action right now, young man.

Fucking dick licking...

- Ow, shit!

The fuck just hit me?

- I don't know, maybe it was that guy.

- I hate optical illusions.

They hurt my fucking eyes.

- Then get ready for another one.

♪ Go ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ Win ♪

- I got this, DB.

- I don't think so.

♪ Win ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ Win ♪

♪ Win ♪

- Why the fuck am I all tied up?

- Is this what I think it is?

- What do you think it is?

- Heaven.

- What the fuck Carl?

- Okay okay, Jimmy is pissed, okay?

Everybody out.

This has gone too far.

- Jimmy, I've been buying waters here all night.

- Water is free.

Huh?

- Shut up!

What's the matter, Dermont?

You scared?

- When I get loose, you're fucking dead.

- Shhh.

Show some respect.

The time for talk is over, my friend.

You shitbags ever seen Carrie?

- The fuck is that?

- [Ty] Seriously?

- Yes, I've seen that one.

- This some great fucking knots, man.

There's a sheepshank, fisherman's bend.

Six flips.

Do I have a safe word?

- God, you are out of the gang.

Do not smell me!

- You know, Carrie.

Stephen King, Sissy Spacek,

she gets pig's blood poured all over her

and then she burns down the whole fucking school?

- Okay Ty, relax man.

It's a funny fucking joke, all right?

You win, ha ha.

Just fucking untie us and I'll buy you a beer, okay?

- Now Demolition Man.

Now that's a classic.

Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes.

- He kicks his frozen head off, man.

It falls all over the floor, it's awesome.

- Don't forget Sly learns to knit.

God I love Sly.

You ever seen The Italian Stallion?

- All right Ty, now listen.

I'm pretty damn serious about setting shit on fire.

I can see you are as well, and I respect that.

But come on man, we were just messing around with you!

- What do you think I'm doing, Dermont?

I'm just messing around too.

- Oh Jesus Christmas!

Cody, please talk to your brother.

He's messing my bar up.

- What are we doing here Ty?

And why the fuck is everyone tied up?

- Better get out of here, Cody.

You can't stop me.

Nobody can stop me.

I'm unstoppable.

- Can I talk to you over here for a minute?

- Sure, but make it snappy.

I'm looking forward to burning up

some hillbillies in here!

What?

- What are you doing?

You can't go around tying people up.

Unless they ask you to.

- Fuck me, come on, y'all.

- Just back off, Cody.

This isn't your fight and it never was.

- Hey wait.

- Watch yourself.

You're about to unleash the beast.

- You watch yourself.

- Big mistake bro.

- Damn!

That's a bone crusher!

- Why do you have to take everything?

You could have anyone, why her?

- She doesn't like me, she likes you.

- Liar!

- Oh shit!

Brother against brother.

That shit is biblical, y'all.

- Some fucking dude on dude right there.

(loud walloping)

- Civil War!

- She likes you!

She always has!

Read it!

Nothing happened.

I mean I tried, but...

- Man, I can't see shit.

- I'm sorry.

- But I don't understand.

Teet said you guys hooked up last night.

- What?

No.

We didn't hook up.

- Well then why would he say that?

- Why does he do a lot of things?

Why does he have a picture of himself

as a baby in his wallet?

- That is pretty weird.

- I promise you, nothing happened.

- Excuse me there ladies!

You girls gonna gab all night or what?

- Look, Cody.

The gas, it's just water with vinegar and piss mixed in.

I was just fucking with them.

- That's fucking awesome.

May I?

- Be my guest.

- That's right.

Get over here and untie me so I can start

beating your little brother's ass again.

(hooting)

- I've been waiting for this moment for a long time boys!

A long time!

- Come on, stop, please!

What did Jimmy do to you?

- You sorry sack of dog dicks.

This town's gonna remember the O'Connor boys.

How we went crazy and burned down The Greek's!

- Don't do it man, come on!

- Yeah, burn them outside!

Please!

- No!

No!

- (whining) Be fucking cool.

Be fucking cool, man.

- Come on, boys.

You think we'd burn down the only bar in this town?

- That's not cool, man.

- You crying Carl?

- Oh that's embarrassing, Carl.

Are those real tears?

- Is there a Cody or a Ty in here?

- That a Girl Scout?

- Oh no, a little girl.

It's not safe place.

- Give us the cookies bitch!

- I'm Ty.

- This dude just gave me 20 bucks

to come up here and read you this note.

- What note?

- "I have Roxanna and you two need to come up

"to the scrapyard posthaste or else."

(evil laugh)

- Why do you have Roxanna?

- Posthaste?

- It means in a hurry, and I don't have her.

I was reading the note.

- Hey little scout, come on over here.

Untie us.

We're the good guys, you'll get a badge.

- Yeah, you guys look like a regular

bunch of Eagle Scouts don't you?

- I'm a Webelo.

- So where's Roxanna?

- At the scrapyard.

You guys obviously weren't paying attention.

Look, I'm just delivering the message.

Oh, and giving you this.

- What the...

Flick?

- [Girl Scout] You guys are into some weird shit.

- No no no!

Jimmy, I don't do shit.

Like this.

FYI.

It's like bondage, BDSM there, it's sick.

- This so wasn't worth $20.

Pick up that note!

- Let's go.

- Come on man, you can't just leave me

sit here like I'm Christopher Reeves.

- Oooo.

(rock atmosphere music)

- Superman, bitch.

Show some goddamn respect.

Hey.

We good?

- Yeah, we're good.

Where's the truck?

- Wouldn't start.

Came on that.

- All right.

I'll take the bicycle.

- You'll never keep up.

- That's what you think.

- Seriously?

Posthaste!

- Dwayne!

Dwayne, let me out of here right now!

♪ Yeah ♪

- Oh my god, I'm gonna kill you!

♪ Yeah ♪

- Dwayne!

Dwayne!

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm good, I just...

I can't feel my legs.

- [Cody] We gotta get going.

- Yeah, I'll just, give me a minute.

- What is that thing?

- I don't know.

Is that our washing machine?

- Yeah.

I think that's our microwave too.

Yeah.

I think that's our microwave too.

- You think she's in one of those things?

(laughing)

- Yes!

- [Cody] He's lost his goddamn mind.

- I know, right?

- All right, I'll go get her.

You distract Teet.

- No.

You gotta trust me.

I can get to her.

- [Teet] I love my life.

- Dwayne!

I know you're out there!

This is not funny!

- Roxanna?

- Who is that?

Tyler?

- Yeah.

- Oh thank god.

What the fuck is wrong with Dwayne?

- He got hit by a meteorite.

- Ah, Cody.

You're right on time.

It appears my plan is going exactly according to...

Plan.

- What's going on here buddy?

- What's going on is genius.

Simply genius.

- So what is this thing?

And why are you talking like Skeletor?

- Skeletor?

Not familiar.

Where's your super brother?

- Oh he's at home just watching a movie.

It's about this guy that goes fucking nuts.

Starts talking like Gargamel.

And his friends get real sick of it

and beat the shit out of him.

It's French.

I don't think you'd like it.

- I saw that you signed my yearbook.

- Oh yeah?

That's awesome, Tyler.

I'm glad you liked it.

Now you wanna get me out of here?

- Oh yeah, sure.

Stand back.

- Can't really stand 'cause I'm sitting.

Tyler, are you there?

Tyler?

- What the hell?

- Do you have any idea what this is, Cody?

- My controller.

- Of course not!

I wouldn't expect your feeble brain to understand.

This, my idiot friend, is what you get

when you combine the power source from a microwave,

some spare batteries, some household items,

and a pea-sized piece of that meteor you're so fond of.

- So you're saying you broke my controller.

Okay Teet, what's it do?

- Glad you asked, Cody.

Just gotta put a quick code in here.

(machine beeping)

And then we're off to the races.

(electric buzzing)

It works.

Excellent.

(crazy laughing)

- Roxanne, are you in there?

- Tyler, get me out of here!

- There you are.

Night night.

(electronic pulsing)

(laughing)

Wow.

Ah, just in time.

My device is almost ready.

- Ty, you all right?

- Yeah.

Teet, what the hell are you doing?

- Well you see Ty, for years I've been shit on.

Literally and figuratively shit on.

I've been upside down in more

port-o-johns than any many alive.

You see, the meteor's made from an extremely rare element.

From space.

When it grazed my head, the chemical

composition infused with my brain tissue.

And I have reaped the whirlwind

of mental control that has come with it.

- Your big ass head.

Ty was right?

The space rock works?

- More than you'll ever know, Cody.

It alone can generate a summit pressure buildup

in the town's sewer system,

turning it into a giant toilet.

Everyone everywhere will be covered in shit!

It will be my masterpiece.

- Your master plan is to cover the town in shit?

- Well it's more of a metaphorical

revenge plan than a profitable master plan.

- I think it's great.

- You don't like it.

- It seems really thought out, Teet.

- Now you're just being patronizing.

- All this over the rock?

(ominous atmosphere music)

- The other half.

You had it all along.

- I knew you'd never let it out of your sight.

Unless I had something you wanted more.

I.e, Roxanna suspended from a crane.

Above a scrapyard.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a town to flush.

(low rumbling)

Now let me get on with my...

(screaming)

- Oh geez.

(Teet groaning)

- Stupid alien bastard.

Taking me for the last goddamn time.

- Eugene wait!

It's Teet!

- What?

- [Ty] It's Teet!

- Teet?

(pained laughing)

I'm sorry Teet, dude.

Man, you look just like one of them.

- Well come untie us.

- Just hang on a second.

What the hell is going on out here?

(machine whirring)

(alarm blaring)

- You started it.

- Started what?

- You'll see.

(evil laughing)

- Eugene, just come on over here and untie us!

- Yeah! - You want me to untie you?

- Yes! - Yes!

- I'll come untie you then.

(rumbling intensifies)

- Hurry.

- It's like one of those advanced double clover hitches.

- Look Ty, listen to me.

You have the powers.

You can save her.

- No I don't, I need the rock.

- Look, you're stronger, you're faster,

and you're more invisible.

Well maybe not invisible, but who gives a shit?

Now get awesome!

Thanks Eugene.

Ty, no!

(tense atmosphere music)

(rock atmosphere music)

Woohoo!

- Nobody else is gonna believe this.

- You saved me.

- Yeah, but I don't know how.

- How was that?

That was awesome!

- I thought the power was in the rock.

- It's 'cause you finally believe in yourself.

- Or maybe it's from prolonged

exposure to a strange alien rock.

- Or it could be that.

(loud rumbling)

- What was that?

- Did that just do what I think it just did?

- You thinking what I'm thinking?

(rock atmosphere music)

(slow motion screaming)

- [Carl] Dermont!

- Eyelash.

- Aww, make a wish.

- You make a wish.

- [Jimmy] Hey.

- Jimmy.

- Where you been man? I don't see you guys long time.

- What can I tell you? We've never been this busy.

- There's not a port-o-pod left on the farm.

- Hey, people have to shit right?

Even the beautiful women.

- Wow.

- Okay.

- All right, my little shit king. I'll be right back.

- Did I mention she's hot?

- Yeah, I think you covered that one pal.

- Did I?

You did good.

- [Eugene] My boys, my boys.

- Hey Eugene.

- Hey.

- Hey Jimmy, get this man a beer on me.

- Well thanks Ty, man.

- No problem.

- I still feel terrible about Teet.

How's he doing?

- We don't know.

We haven't see him.

He hasn't been home.

The cops keep coming by though.

- Oh, hey.

Hey.

Me and them aliens, man, we made a deal.

- Oh really?

What kind of deal?

- I got them all jobs, right?

Working at Mr. Douglas' ranch.

- Uh-huh.

- It turns out they're pretty handy, so no more abductions.

And I get the girl.

- Yeah, get some alien ass.

- Yeah.

- That's awesome.

- Where's the girl? The good one that you just had.

She's a nice piece of food.

Make a good wife.

- She just went to the bathroom.

- My bathroom?

- Yes Jimmy, your bathroom.

- Everybody!

This guy's girlfriend, she's getting

the big dick in my bathroom!

You know, like choo choo dick.

This is my move when I am giving her the dick.

All the time.

What?

Dick, Cody.

Dick, guy with the glasses.

Dick!

There she is, there she is.

- Big dick.

- Hey!

Homosexuals.

They dick each other.

- What the fuck Jimmy?

- What, you fuck each other no?

- Fuck you, Jimmy!

- Fuck me, Jimmy!

- Hey Eugene.

- Rox-Santa-Anna.

- This shit is strictly platonic.

- Homosexuals.

(car honking)

- There's my girl now.

- Your girl's right outside?

- Damn right.

- I gotta see this.

- Us too.

- Whoa whoa whoa, hey!

Nobody leave tip?

Fucking Americans.

White people.

- Hey baby!

- Hola, papi.

- Mamacita!

- You're kidding me.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Is this really happening right now?

- This guy.

- Right on, amigo.

- Vamanos.

- Habla that espanol, man.

Habla.

Let's rock it, man.

Later players!

- All right, Eugene.

All right.

- Aww yeah.

Little frog thought he was smarter than man.

- Oh shit.

Goddamn, I'm getting skunked.

- But man is the smarter.

- You did hit that sum bitch in his balls.

- Aw man, I got him in the gonads. That is perverse.

I do not like that.

- Where you gonna keep him, in your pocket?

How you gonna get 'er home?

- It's a catch and release situation.

(loud rumbling)

What the fuck?

- What in the fuck is this here?

- [Chris] I'm not sure I like the look of that there, Sami.

- Goddamn Chris, you gotta see

this magical shit right here.

(clanging)

Chris.

(clanging)

♪ Could be buried with the soot on your face ♪

♪ Put you in the ground on your daddy's place ♪

♪ (mumbles) bear away ♪

♪ Your disgrace ♪

♪ Disgrace ♪

♪ Dun dun dun ♪

(hip hop atmosphere music)

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Ladies and gentlemen ♪

- [Dermont] Fuck this little shit.

(laughing)

♪ As it shall be told, motherfuckers ♪

♪ Not stopping this force plane ♪

♪ We knocking down walls like a freight train ♪

- Ugh.

(spraying)

(laughing)

- Sounds fun.

(laughing)

I just realized I was doing that.

- What are you, some kind of magical lizard?

- [Ty] I'm tired of taking your shit, Dermont.

- I miss your mother, but...

(garbled line)

Miss your mother.

- Two pitchers for the guy who likes to fuck men.

That's pretty much it.

(laughing)

- Yeah.

- That Catfish?

- Damn it.

- Yeah, it happens a lot, man.

Every girl I've been with fakes it.

- You grab them by the hair.

Now you know what I did?

This is what I did, I was fucking

trying to figure out what the fuck "it" was.

Then she grabs me...

(laughing)

- I'm a Webelo.

- You know what I like to do? I like waiting.

That's what I like about it. - Waiting?

- Yeah, laying in wait.

Hey why is there a wire in this...

(electrical buzzing) (screaming)

(hip hop atmosphere music)

♪ Yo ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ This is Teet ♪

♪ I'm here to tell you about our business ♪

♪ And it involves poop ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Don't get the poop on me ♪

♪ No need to flush ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ No more poop ♪

♪ Occupied ♪

♪ Teet in the motherfucking house ♪

♪ That's my name ♪

♪ My name's Teet ♪

♪ Well it's actually Dwayne, but my last name ♪

♪ Is Teethurst, so everyone call me Teet. ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Who you gonna call ♪

♪ When you need a stall ♪

♪ It's Dear John, buddy ♪

♪ Just give us a call ♪

♪ If you gotta go you gotta go ♪

♪ We get it ♪

♪ Allow us to provide something to shit in ♪

♪ (mumbles) on the dozen ♪

♪ We'll be there in a flash ♪

♪ We'll take care of everything ♪

♪ But wiping up your ass ♪

♪ Yo we'll take care of everything else ♪

♪ We've been doing this so long that everything smells ♪

♪ So we got experience in matters of the bowel ♪

♪ TP only ♪

♪ No paper towels ♪

♪ They clogging up by back line ♪

♪ And no pissing on the seat ♪

♪ If it's just out of respect ♪

♪ For the next person's dark side ♪

♪ Can't nobody say we ain't the shit ♪

♪ Tell me this, don't we smell like we the shit ♪

♪ Can't nobody say we ain't the shit ♪

♪ Tell me this, don't we smell like we the shit ♪

♪ We number one in the number two biz ♪

♪ We be everywhere that the number two is ♪

♪ Knee deep in the movement ♪

♪ You gotta go, you gotta go ♪

♪ You gotta go, you gotta do ♪

♪ We number one in the number two biz ♪

♪ We be everywhere that the number two is ♪

♪ Knee deep in the movement ♪

♪ You gotta go, you gotta go ♪

♪ You got an event ♪

♪ Who you gonna choose ♪

♪ You know at least a few are gonna have to drop a deuce ♪

♪ Call Dear John up, this is what we do ♪

♪ We'll supply a nice place where they can let it loose ♪

♪ When it comes to sewage ♪

♪ They can't do it like we do it ♪

♪ We're number one when it comes to moving movement ♪

♪ Let me just get down to it ♪

♪ We would be so wanted ♪

♪ If our port-o-john was somewhere that you shit ♪

♪ And that's really how I feel ♪

♪ All you gotta do is call us back when it fills ♪

♪ Then you see the truck pull up and pick that doodoo up ♪

♪ We just smelling like we the shit ♪

♪ Hazmat suit it up ♪

♪ Can't nobody say we ain't the shit ♪

♪ Tell me this, don't we smell like we the shit ♪

♪ Can't nobody say we ain't the shit ♪

♪ Tell me this, don't we smell like we the shit ♪

♪ We number one in the number two biz ♪

♪ We be everywhere that that number two is ♪

♪ Knee deep in the movement ♪

♪ You gotta go, you gotta go ♪

♪ We number one in the number two biz ♪

♪ We be everywhere that the number two is ♪

♪ Knee deep in the movement ♪

♪ You gotta go, you gotta go ♪

♪ Shit, shit, shit, shit ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm Teet ♪

♪ And I'm so excited to be here ♪

♪ Here rapping in our professional studio ♪

♪ I'm a famous rapper ♪

♪ We're gonna be famous ♪

♪ This is gonna be the most exciting time of our lives ♪

♪ We're rappers, forever together ♪

♪ Or not forever, but just during now ♪

♪ Becoming the most famous rappers ♪

♪ Ever to meet anyone in the world ♪