Original subtitles

Okay, I'm just saying, for a $20 buy-in, I can get my Etsy business going,

and we can all see a 200% return by Friday.

Are you sure she's yours?

No.

- Okay. - What's the product?

Not important.

You're betting on a winner.

- Are you in or out? - I'm in. I'm in.

I gotta park some money away from the prying eyes of the IRS.

There you go.

Hey, guys. What's the haps?

Whoo! What is that smell?

You're like a combination of Axe body spray,

[sniffs] a burp and a corn dog.

Actually, it was a chili dog and I did just burp.

Some of the guys at school are trading colognes.

You know, it's a thing. [clicks tongue] For the ladies.

Not this one.

Cologne, body spray, fragrance. What is it?

Actually, it's eau de toilette.

Why are the French in charge of all smells?

Again with the French, Grandpa?

You don't get it cause you're old, all right?

But fine. I'll go take a shower.

Try to take one less than an hour, s'il vous pla�t.

Yeah. Sorry about the water bill.

I mean, not sorry enough to pay it, but sorry.

I know. That "boy to man" process is happening pretty fast, you know?

Extended showers, walking around without his shirt on,

flexing his one muscle.

Yesterday he was learning how to ride a bike.

Now he's old enough to date.

He's not dating anyone.

The only woman he speaks to is Siri,

and I think she's ghosting him.

Could you talk to him about dating and all the other stuff that I don't want to?

You're the one that says you talk to your son about everything.

It's modern, it's open.

I would say a little frightening.

Uh, would you want to talk about sex stuff with your mom?

My mother never had sex.

[? opening theme playing]

[mechanical whirring]

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Well, we got trouble.

Is it those damn teenagers again?

Oh, my God. I sound like a villain on Scooby-Doo.

Ruh-roh.

I just wanted to say that.

[Matt] All right

Picnic table.

Oh, no. People could eat outdoors.

Think of the laughter.

This is all about Eve.

I love that movie.

She just wants the dance studio and her to have this property to themselves.

Uh-oh.

Here comes Matt's "Eve is short for evil" rant.

Yeah, she always takes my parking space,

parks in my spot.

The dancers block the entrance.

You guys know that.

Then they start with that music all the time.

[beatboxes] ? Boom Bada-boom-boom, boom-boom Boom-boom, boom-boom ?

Hey, man, I like that beat. Keep it going.

You know what? She's like a French car.

Not bad on the outside, but that interior? Funky.

You know what, Matt's right, man. This is about territory.

Around my hood, this kind of disrespect would not be tolerated.

Stop throwing out street cred. You live in the burbs.

You have an HOA.

Residents at Cascade Hills, playa.

I'm done being nice, guys.

When did you start?

Matt

Listen, I'm gonna go over there and tell her she's gotta move that table,

or I'm gonna put her in her place.

Try not to start World War III.

Don't forget your daughter works there.

I'm not starting World War III.

Have you met a 19-year-old boy these days?

Hell, we'd all be dead.

- Riley. - Eve.

We need to reserve Studio Room B at 3:00 p.m. for

I don't wanna drop names,

but his last name is a planet and his first name is Bruno.

[gasps] Bruno Mars? Shut up.

I really should shut up. I signed an NDA.

Nice picnic table, Eve.

Bruno's gonna love it.

I'm definitely getting sued.

Hey, do you wanna watch him?

Watch him? I want to bathe in him.

But, um, I have to take my daughter to the dentist.

They're her baby teeth. They don't count.

Hmm.

But of course, yes. Go.

Oh, my God, Eve, you are the best, coolest boss ever.

I mean, have you seen the competition?

Listen, you gotta move that picnic table out of the alley, okay?

It's nice to see you again too, Mr. Parker.

Yeah [coughs] hi, Mr. Parker.

It's a shared space. It isn't your space.

I just thought it would be nice for people to have a place to sit and eat.

Your shop guys are free to use it too, you know.

Do you let them sit or eat?

I'm sorry, I think I fell asleep in the middle of all that.

My My shop guys are just fine.

The last thing they need is a place to have longer lunches.

You sure about that?

[scoffs]

- Get back to work, damn it! - Whoa!

Sorry, this is a "no-crazy-man- who-spits-when-he-yells" zone.

[laughing]

- Uh, sorry, Mr. Parker. - Stop calling me that.

Listen, that table goes bye-bye tomorrow.

Speaking of bye-bye, bye-bye.

[blows lips] That guy, huh?

You know I know he's your dad, right?

Well, I've never taken a DNA test.

Gabe, why is the table still here and why are you sitting at it?

- Don't get mad. - I'm not mad. I'm calm.

Oh, it's worse than we thought. It's Matt's calm rage.

Actually, this is my favorite.

It's like Darth Vader on edibles.

- Get up. Up, up, up. Let's go. - [Gabriel] Oh.

This doesn't seem like calm rage to me.

- What are you doing? - [grunts] I'm showing them

that I mean business.

By blocking their front door with the table?

[Matt] Exactamundo.

- [Riley] What is he doing? - [Eve] Seriously?

Wow.

- Okay. - I mean

[Stitch] Oh, so this is how it is.

You can push that table,

but I get stuck on the ramp and all I hear is, "You got it, Stitch."

That's commitment.

It's also a fire hazard.

[groans]

You really should get that DNA test.

Hello, Miss Parker.

Can I help you with anything?

Stop playing innocent.

We watched you push the table in front of our door.

Oh, come on, man. That could have been anybody.

[groans]

- Oh. You pulled your back? - Yes.

- That's what you get. - [grunts]

Why are you [scoffs] making such a big deal about a picnic table?

You wouldn't understand. You're not a business owner.

Eve just wants the property between our two businesses, you know.

She won't be happy till everyone's a communist wearing dance shoes. [groans]

You mean The Nutcracker?

And you know what else?

I think she hired you just to get leverage over me.

[chuckles] Oh, my God.

You really think everything's about you?

It's a big responsibility, but I can handle it.

Dad, I am telling you, she's a really great person

who just wants people to have a place to eat.

You're an idiot.

You know, if you won't stop this craziness for me,

at least do it for your grandkids.

They have stuff all the time, and Eve gives me flexible hours.

I'm talking house cat hours.

- I hate cats. - Dad.

All right, Heathcliff is a good cat. I don't mind that cat.

Dad, I'm begging you.

Okay, okay, she can keep the stupid table.

- If anything's stupid, it's- - [hushes]

You got your "fine."

I'll go move the table back.

- You're still talking to Carter today- - [hushes]

You can help me.

Hey, Matt, for what it's worth, you're right.

You give a person like Eve an inch, she gonna take a mile.

Why didn't you say something?

It's just not a good look for me.

Oh. Hey, Carter.

Hey, looking good, Pops.

I'm in a lot of pain. I can barely walk.

What do you mean I'm looking good?

Oh.

It's kinda how you always look to me.

- What happened? - I moved a table to win a war.

Don't know what that means, so I'm just gonna say, sweet.

You know, I'm already in a lot of pain. I might as well double down.

I wanna talk to you about something.

- Sure thing. What's up? - [sighs]

[sighs] Well, I've been noticing your new habits, you know?

Eau de toilette, extended showers,

your allergy to wearing your shirt.

You know, sometimes when I finish my push-up in my room,

I gotta let the pecs breathe.

Okay.

I'm thinking that since your dad's not around,

maybe you and I could have that "man-to-boy" talk about sex.

- Okay, let me stop you right there. - No, no. No. It

- If you mean the sex talk - Yeah.

I don't need it.

Well, we could call it something else.

How about dating? We'll talk about dating a little bit.

Nope. I've learned everything there is to know off the Internet.

I'm sure you've learned a lot of things off the Internet.

- Everything. - Everything?

Everything.

You know what I'm talking about, Pops.

What the hell is everything?

I don't know.

You gotta look at what he's looking at.

I agree, but what kind of person breaks into a kid's laptop?

[both] Georgia!

Sweetie, we need a favor.

You want Carter's password.

You're a scary little creature.

And yes, we do.

[typing]

- There you go. - Wow.

So, what's this going to cost us?

Nothing.

Someday you'll just owe me a favor.

I hope I'm dead before she wants that favor.

Well, that's what you get for showing her The Godfather.

- Go to "search history." - I'm there.

"Sci-fi Hub X." What is this?

Oh. Uh It's fan fiction, a combination of romance and fantasy.

They call it "romantasy."

Kinda rhymes with "so sad to see."

"She faced the window on four of her legs. Her other two legs hung seductively."

"As the passion grew, I reached for the back of her head

and grabbed a handful of her feathers."

Here's a link to a picture.

- [screams, shudders] - Damn.

Are those alien privates?

Well, they're certainly not private

when they're hanging on the front of your forehead, or whatever that's called.

- Pretty well hung, though. - Ugh.

Oh!

- [screams] Ugh! - Oh! Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh. - Hmm.

Okay, kind of weird.

"Kind of" weird?

That's like a reptile combined with a parrot and an alien getting it on.

This is just nuts.

When we were kids, all we had to look at was National Geographic.

This is what kids should be looking at: grass skirts and boobies.

At least it's less misogynistic than most stuff online, right?

But should I be worried this is what he's into?

Yes, I'd be worried.

A lot of dangerous weirdos online, and now your kid's one of 'em.

You're right. I have to talk to him about real women

before I wind up with a hot serpent for a daughter-in-law.

Listen, I'm gonna let you handle this one.

You may want to read that.

I'm gonna go upstairs and take a nice hot Epsom salt bath.

- [groans] Oh. - This is what you get for moving a table.

- [groans] - Are you okay?

Yeah, at least I don't have a son who's into romantasy.

Okay. Oh.

Well, this is twice as bad.

My dad agreed to one table.

He's gonna be livid when he sees two.

Why did you poke the literal bear?

Just over here poking. Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.

It's okay, relax.

I've dealt with guys like your dad my whole life

and they always underestimate me because I'm a woman.

Or because I'm a dancer.

Or when I'm blonde.

Trust me, he'd be like this with a man too.

Oh, no, sweet child, he wouldn't.

Those nasty emails in all caps?

Blocking the door with the table?

You don't do that when you think you might get socked in the face.

To be fair, he might use that old person email program that's only all caps.

Well, your dad is a bully.

He yells at my dancers. He tries to intimidate me.

Accuses me of taking his parking space, which I do.

And guess what?

He's met his match, and she is wearing a crop top.

Oh, my God. He was right.

You're diabolical.

Sick game recognizes sick game.

The two tables is my way of saying, "Don't screw with me."

God, you should be a cult leader, 'cause I would join.

You know, as long as the cult had flexible hours too.

[horn honking]

Well. He saw the tables.

[honking continues]

[Eve] Yeah.

Today is going to be entertaining.

[? "Freedom" playing in studio]

? I'm stuck to the dance floor With the, with the whole tape ?

? With the, with the, with the whole tape ?

? Give you what you ask for ?

? Givin' you the whole shake I'ma give you the whole shake ?

? I'm stuck to the dance floor With the, with the whole tape ?

? With the, with the, With the whole tape ?

- ? I say, yeah ? - ? Yeah ?

- ? Oh, yeah ? - ? Oh, yeah ?

- ? Let me see you wobble ? - ? 'Cause, you do ?

? I'ma do, too ?

? When I move my body Just like this ?

? I don't know why But I feel like ?

- ? Freedom ? - ? Freedom ?

? I hear a song That takes me back ?

? And I let go with so much ?

- ? Freedom ? - ? Freedom ?

? Free to live ?

? I'm gonna get ?

? 'Cause it's my free- ?

[music stops]

Two tables? There's two tables out there.

This is why I don't like making compromises.

People just take advantage of my niceness.

Niceness?

You've been bullying me ever since I got here.

You don't run things around here.

I just want you to know you've made an enemy,

and a very powerful enemy.

[winces]

[huffs] Boy.

In my head, that was a far more dramatic exit.

- What's wrong with your back? - I don't know.

I did something to it when I was moving the

the car. I pushed a car out of the way.

Well, dancers hurt their lower back all the time.

This stretch helps. You have to release the SI joint.

Like this.

[grunts]

Oh.

Yeah.

Still hurts.

Now you try.

Ooh.

[sighs]

Like that?

That's not even close.

I'm doing just what you just did.

Yeah.

One

- There we go - two

- Oh, b- - three.

Okay, not even close.

But you're some sort of athlete.

- [strains] - Yeah.

- We have to be. - [sighs]

Just like Ginger Rogers.

She did everything Fred Astaire did but backwards

- and in heels. - And in heels. Yeah.

You watch old movies too?

My late wife and I used to love them, yes.

- I'm sorry. - Thanks.

I lost my husband too.

- Really? - To a dancer on TikTok.

Now they're both dead to me.

Feels better.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Let me guess.

Two picnic tables aren't the first sign of the apocalypse.

Riley really likes this job.

I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it.

I

Maybe I don't need two picnic tables out there either.

Damn right.

So I'll keep one.

Okay. One.

All right. Truce?

Truce.

And maybe stop cursing at my dancers.

I think that big guy likes it.

[car door shuts]

What the hell?

What the hell?

Me agreeing to one table wasn't enough for you,

so you had to get rid of it?

I didn't take the table.

- You didn't? - Mr. Parker!

I didn't take the table.

I'll tell you one thing,

this kind of stuff wouldn't happen up in the residence of Cascade Hills.

You know what? This has gone too far.

- What? - I'm sorry I fixed your back.

You know, you're making it worse right now.

Good.

Good? So, I can be good when you get the bill from my doctor.

- Hmm. - Once again, this exit-

I know. So much more dramatic in your head.

This isn't over.

This hasn't even begun.

[Matt groans] Oh.

They scare me.

This talk is important.

Carter can't learn about sex from that fantasy stuff.

And I can't unsee what I saw.

Hey, uh, what's up?

Carter, I want to talk about women and their bodies.

- Oh, Mom - Sit.

I'm out.

The Internet is all about male fantasy,

but I promise you there's nothing more exciting than reality.

As you know, if the egg gets an X chromosome

from both the male and female parent, the resulting offspring will be-

You know what?

- Let me take it from here. - Okay. Okay.

Thank God.

[Matt] Okay, listen. Uh

Big picture.

Every living thing is like an engine.

Women's bodies are like the carburetor to that engine, right?

They control the fuel and air mixture, very important.

But they control the power to that engine.

Okay, okay. Taking notes.

All right. No matter what you've heard, women have all the power.

They control everything. Never forget that.

Now who's into fantasy?

And we're talking about women with two wings, right? Not four wings.

Griffin, not Pegasi, right?

Yeah. Page 49, pachyderm reproduction.

Study it.

Screw you, old man Parker.

If there's no skating in the alley, there's no table in the alley.

It was those meddling kids.

Gotta say, "old man Parker" has a nice ring to it.

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