All language subtitles for Rivals of Sherlock Holmes s01e11 The Assyrian Rejuvenator.eng

In late Victorian London
lived many detectives

who were the rivals
of Sherlock Holmes.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Bell tolling ]

Gotcha.

[ Laughs ]

Sergeant Hawkins.

Just my little joke.

Very amusing.

- Are you coming in?
- If I may.

"Literary agent."
That always makes me laugh.

Indeed.

I don't suppose you'd know
an author if you saw one.

How are things in
the private-detective business?

Private.

And what,
in its infinite wisdom,

does the Criminal Investigation
Department

suspect me of being involved in?

Oh, we're not after you.

That makes a change.

Uh, not this time.

May I offer you
some refreshment?

Oh!

Ooh, you're on duty.

Well, to the tell you the truth,
I don't rightly know.

Shall we give you
the benefit of the doubt?

Port or brandy?

I wouldn't say nay
to a drop of port.

There.

Cheers.

Here!

It's just my little joke.

Do sit down.

[ Clock ticking ]

Well, then.

Have you ever heard of a fellow
called Henry Jacobs?

Henry Jacobs?
I can't say I have, no.

Alias Newton Weeks,
alias Alfred Tombs?

A confidence trickster.

- You have heard of him, then?
- No.

Then how did you know
that he was a --

Well, it's obvious. Why should
he need so many names?

Oh.
Oh, well, you're quite right.

Good.

Yes, well, he is a con man.

We've done him
a couple of times.

Selling dud shares
under the name of Weeks.

That was the last one.

Well, he came out a while back,
laid low for a bit,

and sure enough up he pops again
under the name of Henry Jacobs.

Got his girlfriend, Doris, in
with him and all, Doris Pratt.

Doris Pratt.
What's his game this time?

Patent medicines.

He runs a mail-order business
from an office in the city,

calls it the Assyrian
Rejuvenator Company.

He has an ear for a phrase,
I must say.

Take a look at that, then.

- Is this one of his handouts?
- Oh, they're all over town.

Mm, a trifle crude for my taste,
but doubtless effective.

Well, I ask you.

The Assyrian Rejuvenator --
eternal youth.

I mean, he's got to be crooked,
hasn't he?

Well, it certainly looks it.

It stands to reason.

Trouble is, though,
we can't put the finger on him.

You amaze me!

Well, people won't complain.

For fear of being made to look
foolish?

Yeah, I reckon that's it.

But until somebody does,

we can't get no evidence
against him.

Concrete evidence.
That's what we want.

And what makes you think
that I can provide it?

Well, you know what they say.

Set a thief to catch a thief.

I must say I resent that.

Well, I'll put it another way,
then.

Please do.

Seeing that I'm in the public
service, as you might say,

there are rules and regulations
I can't get 'round.

You can.

You're not asking me to break
the law, surely, Sergeant?

I wouldn't do such a thing.

But if you was to bend it
a little,

well, uh, let us say
we might be inclined to overlook

one or two, uh, irregularities
that have come to our attention.

Mm.

That is,
if we were to get our man.

Mm.

Which is not to say that I
shan't be keeping an eye on you

so we won't have you taking
any liberties at our expense,

if you don't mind.

You can be very hurtful
at times, Sergeant.

Well, just so's we understand
one another.

And what's in it for me?

There's people being gypped.

Alas, I am not
a philanthropic society.

Well, there's a party.

Um, let us say
a friend of a friend.

Now, this party might be willing
to pay something

if a means were found of getting
the said party recompensed.

And the name of the party
of the first part?

Miss Suzie Shepherd.

An entertainer,
if I'm not mistaken.

Playing Collins Music Hall.

[ "Father's Footsteps" plays ]

? To dinner up in town
last night I went ?

? And Pa went there, as well

? How many lemonades we had

? My word,
I really couldn't tell ?

? At 2:00 a.m. Pa started off
for home like this ?

? And so did I

? Folks said,
"Mind where you're going" ?

? But I simply made reply

? "I'm following
in Father's footsteps ?

? I'm following
me dear old dad ?

? He's wobbling on
in the front, you see ?

? Upon my word,
he's worse than me ?

[ Laughter ]

? I don't know
where he's going ?

? But when he gets there,
I'll be glad ?

? I'm following
in Father's footsteps, yes ?

? I'm following
me dear old dad ?

[ Finale plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello there.

Pringle?
Never heard of him.

- Here, what's he like?
- Well, I --

Ah, well, we can't be fussy,
can we?

All right, show him in.

All right.

Bette?

What's the house like tonight,
ducks?

Oh, not bad.

Showing.

[ Applause ]

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

[ Knock on door ]

Just a minute.

Come in.

She's ready for you now, sir.

Hello, duckie.

- Enjoying the show?
- Uh, yes, indeed.

Any fan of mine's
a friend of mine.

[ Applause in distance ]

Oh, aren't you the one?

All the same, I can't have
supper with you, duckie.

Not tonight.
I'm promised.

My misfortune, ma'am.

Give a girl of bit of notice,
though,

and perhaps another time.

I live in hopes.

Get on with you.

As a matter of fact,
it was Sergeant Hawkins

who suggested I call.

God's truth,
you're not a copper, are you?

No.

You haven't got the feet for it.

Thank you.

So, what are you on about?

Sergeant Hawkins seemed to think

that you had some sort
of problem.

I've got plenty, duckie.

Which particular one
did you have in mind?

From what I could gather,
it concerned a friend of yours

and some trouble with the
Assyrian Rejuvenator Company?

Oh, that.

No?

Come to think of it, I did
mention it to Sergeant Hawkins.

Do you work with him?

I seem to get involved
in cases that he can't handle.

You'll be busy, then.

Quite.

What it is, see, there's this
old boy, name of Sandstream.

Sandstream.

Colonel, retired.

Well, he's as old as God,

but, well, he's took
like a shine to me.

And he's around here most nights

with flowers and presents
and things.

I can imagine.

The thing is,
he's a silly old fool, really.

I mean, he's old enough
to have more sense.

But, well, he's forked out
God knows how much

on this blessed Rejuvenator.

Thanks, Bette.

Well, it didn't do him
a scrap of good, of course.

I could have told him.

Only I can't help but feel
sort of responsible.

He's done it to like, well,
spruce himself up for me, see?

And now they won't give him
his money back.

Well, it's not right, is it?

Mind you, he's an handful enough
as it is.

Private dining rooms

and drinking champagne out
of my slippers and everything.

To tell you the truth,

the last thing I want
is him any more full of beans.

But still, it's not right,
is it,

to take all that money
and not pay it back?

I mean, he's got his pride,
if nothing else.

Yes, well, I can't promise
anything, but you have my card.

Why don't you ask the Colonel
to call 'round and see me?

We'll see if there isn't some
way of handling things...

discreetly.

Would you really?

My pleasure.

That's ever so kind of you.

- [ Knock on door ]
- Oh, God, I'm on.

Look, I'd ask you
to stop and watch,

only I'm expecting the Colonel,

and he's as jealous
as they come.

We don't want to get off
on the wrong foot, do we?

You and him?

Any of us.

What's your price?

I'm sure we can come to some...

mutually satisfactory
arrangement.

I shouldn't wonder.

Well,
pop in when you're passing.

I'll do that.

Ta-ta for now, duckie.

[ "The Boy I Love Is Up
in the Gallery" playing ]

? I'm a young girl
and have just come over ?

? Over from the country
where they do things big ?

? And amongst the boys
I've got a lover ?

Charming girl, Colonel.

Do I know you, sir?

Not yet. Good night.

SUZIE:
? ...up in the gallery

? The boy I love
is looking down at me ?

? There he is, can't you see?

? A-waving off
his handkerchief ?

? As merry as a robin
that sings on a tree ?

[ Clock ticking ]

That's friar's balsam.

China clay.

[ Knock on door ]

Ah, Pringle?

Yes.

[ Clears throat ]
Sandstream, Colonel.

Uh, won't you come in?

Mm-hmm.

[ Exhaling quickly ]

[ Clears throat ]

Eh, late of Probyn's Horse.

It is a pleasure to make
your acquaintance, Colonel.

Well, I'm afraid
I can't say the same.

However,
Miss Shepherd seemed to think

you may be able to help me
with this wretched business.

As I said,
I can't promise anything.

Oh, obviously.

Do you have that letter?

- From those infernal scoundrels?
- Yes.

I certainly do.

May I see it?

There, sir!

Did you ever see the like?

"Money back
if not entirely satisfied."

That's what they send with every
packet of their useless muck.

Lying hounds.

They seem to be
relying upon the fact

that you misused
the preparation.

Oh, if it's not one thing,
it's another.

At first they said
it was because

I hadn't given the blasted stuff
a fair trial.

"Persevere," they said.
Ha!

Pounds and pounds I paid them.

"Should you act upon your threat
to take proceedings,

we must hold your good self
responsible

for any publicity
which may follow."

"Good self," indeed.

It's blackmail.
That's what it is.

But beautifully phrased.

Well, I'm glad
you appreciate it.

- May I keep this for a while?
- Why?

I may be able to call
their bluff.

I have a mind
to take a horsewhip to them!

Yes, well, let's hold that
in reserve, shall we?

Uh, where can I find you?

My card.

Your club will know where
to contact you?

Should do.

I live there.

I'll report to you as soon as
I've spied out the land.

Very well.

It may take a few days,

but time spent in reconnaissance
is seldom wasted.

By Jove!

Not a military man, are you?

Alas, no, sir.

No. Ah, well.

That was a bit too much
to hope for.

Never mind.
[ Clears throat ]

It's not the money,
you understand.

It's the principle of the thing.

- Quite.
- Well, look sharp, will you?

I'll be as expeditious as I can.

What? Oh, well, that'll have to
do, I suppose, yes.

Good day.

Colonel.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Mr. Pringle's out, then?

It, uh, seems to be, yes.

Oh, I reckon I'll hang on.

Oh.

Perhaps you'd be good enough
to tell him that I called.

And the name?

Parkins.

Major Parkins.

Aye, I'll tell him.

There's a good fellow.

Oh, well,
there's no need for that.

Parkins?

[ Hooves clopping ]

[ Door opens ]

- Mr. Jacobs?
- That's right.

Of the Assyrian Rejuvenator
Company?

Just going to get me dinner,
old man.

My name is Parkins,
Major Parkins.

Back at 2:00.

I have just come up
from the country

in response
to your advertisement.

Got to keep body and soul apart.
Sorry.

But I have a train to catch
at 2:00.

Oh, well, uh, in that case,

you'd better come in,
hadn't you?

Thank you.

You're most kind.

Never let it be said
we turn business away.

Now, which was it
you was interested in,

our Pelosia Balm
or the Rejuvenator?

They both, uh, sound remarkable.

They are, sir.
They are.

This way, if you please.

Yes, we've a job to keep up
with the demand.

Ohh!

We count some of the proudest
families in the land

among our customers,

and not only in this country,
I can tell you.

- No?
- Bless you, no, sir.

Why, on the Continent --

I mustn't mention names,
you understand.

That wouldn't be ethical.

But there's crowned heads --
oh, I don't mind telling you --

crowned heads who wouldn't be
where they was,

not without they partook regular

of our sovereign
and specific remedies.

By Jove.

By Jove it is, sir.

Uh, well, which, uh,
would you, uh, recommend?

Well, that's all, um, according.

It's not for yourself,
of course?

Hmm?
Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, of course not.

You're in the pink,
as anyone might see.

For a friend, perhaps?

Uh, yes.

Hmm. Well, then, I'd say
it was a case of whether you --

your friend prefers a remedy
for internal or external use.

There's nothing in the price,
you see,

and they both act on
the same principle.

Uh, which is, uh,
which is what, pray?

Well, in this way --

Oh, we don't want to blind you
with science, do we?

What is it that causes
the appearance of old age,

would you say?

[ Stammering ]

Wrinkles?

Right!

In medical terms,
that is the skin

losing its fullness
and elastic-icity.

And what is it we know
about beauty?

Well, I have no idea.

That it's skin-deep,
according to the sage.

How true.

Well, that's the principle
both these remedies work on.

Apply the balm.

Inhale the fumes
of the Rejuvenator.

The choice is yours.

Either one will repair
the ravages of old age.

And the, uh -- the, um --
the price?

Half a guinea each
or, to you, a pound a pair!

I can't see fairer than that,
can I?

Do you get many customers?

Oh, if I didn't have
enormous sales,

I'd never get it down
to the price, would I?

It seems rather high to me.

No one's forcing you.

Particularly
as I have established

that your Assyrian Rejuvenator

gives off the fumes
of diluted friar's balsam.

And your balm is nothing more
nor less than China clay.

You -- Who are you?

Never mind.

Oh, hang on.
They're harmless.

They are.
I must agree.

Well, is it my fault
if people's gullible?

It is when you trade upon it.

I act for Colonel Sandstream.

Never heard of him.

Well, he's heard of you.

Thought he'd not want
the publicity.

He doesn't.

But since you put him
in a position

where he has no other way
of getting back the money

that you've obtained from him
by false pretenses --

Look here, old man, we can
settle this quiet and decent.

Oh, no.

Oh, why look for trouble?

You've misjudged your victim
this time.

I couldn't believe

that you were as black
as my client had painted you.

But having seen and heard your
barefaced methods in action,

I shall go straight 'round

and urge the Colonel to lodge
an information against you,

and hang the consequences.

Hang?

We'll have the law on you
in no time.

Good day, sir.

[ Door closes ]

Sorry, Doris.

Follow that cab!

[ Door closes ]

Oh!

You've not gone
for your dinner yet, then.

[ Laughs ]

One born every minute,
isn't there?

Do you know how much there was
in this morning's post?

50 guineas.
�52.10.

It is Doris, isn't it?
Doris Pratt?

"Who's you?"
is more to the point.

My name is Parkins.
Major Parkins.

How'd you get in here?

Henry's had to leave town
for a few days.

He's asked me to keep an eye
on things.

Oh.

Well,
he never mentioned it to me.

Really?

Well,
he's told me all about you.

Though, if I might say so,

his description
scarcely does you justice.

Oh.

You could be the law,
for all I know.

Oh, please, even in jest.

How do I know
you're telling the truth?

Honor among thieves, Doris.

Honor among thieves.

Forget that,
and we are done for.

We went to the same school,
Henry and me.

Which school would that be?

The school of hard knocks,
near Windsor.

Alfred Tombs, Newton Weeks,
Henry Jacobs, me.

Satisfied?

It'll do to be going on with.

That's the idea.

You know, I have a feeling that
once we get to know each other,

we're going to get on
all right...you and me.

Er, um...

Friar's balsam.

That's it.

[ Sniffs ]

We've got him, then.

No, it's not as simple as that.

You see, Jacobs has been very
careful to limit his guarantee.

Ah, but friar's balsam and mud.

In themselves are not harmful.

Indeed they may be mildly
therapeutic, for all I know.

Why don't you try some?

You've been looking a bit
run down these days.

I'll have you know
this is no laughing matter.

No, indeed, but you see,

he hasn't specifically described
them as anything else.

Oh, there must be a way
of nailing him.

Oh, surely, though what it is
I don't yet know.

It may well be in his refusal

to refund money
to dissatisfied customers.

But then again, until someone's
prepared to complain...

I don't like to see him
getting away with it.

- He won't.
- But he is.

He has to date, I grant you.

But give him enough rope,

and you may well be able
to charge him

with fraud and blackmail.

But go off at half cock,

and he's liable to get away
scot-free.

All the same, you've been at it
for a week now.

Do you want me to drop the case?

There's no need to be like that.

I'm doing my best. If you're
not satisfied, you must say so.

I never said that.

Then don't stampede me.

I'm going to a great deal
of trouble at your request.

Yes, which makes me wonder why.

I beg your pardon?

What's in it for you, not to put
too fine a point on it?

There's a lady involved.

Oh.

It's Miss Suzie
you're doing it for, is it?

Do you have proprietary rights,
Sergeant?

Certainly not!

I mean, she's from our manor.

We are very proud of her,

but don't you go making out
that she --

I mean, I like her.
That's all.

Then kindly have the grace
to allow me equal sensibility.

- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

Now, if you will excuse me.

Oh, of course.

Oh, there was
a Major Parkins here

when I called 'round earlier.

- Parkins?
- Yeah.

Are you sure you have
the right name?

That's what he said.

It means nothing to me.

He told me to tell you
that he called.

There was something familiar
about him.

Oh? What?

I don't know.

I just had this feeling that
I'd seen him before somewhere.

Parkins.

Parkins.

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

Oh.

Mr. Pringle.

Pringle!

Ma'am. Colonel.

What the devil do you think
you're doing here?

I esteemed it a courtesy

to inform Miss Shepherd
that I had the case in hand.

Oh, that is kind.

Isn't that kind?

Yes, very.

But I should have realized

that you would have told her,
Colonel.

Uh, here, Pringle,
are you making any progress?

Ah.
[ Clears throat ]

It all seems to hinge upon the
exact wording of that letter.

Mm?

I'm seeking Counsel's opinion --

in the strictest confidence,
of course.

Oh?
Opinion on what?

Uh, firstly, on whether it can
be construed as blackmail.

Secondly, and more important,

if it can, how to proceed
without involving you.

You see, the courts
don't like blackmailers.

It may be possible

for you to prosecute
under the name of Mr. X.

Mr. X, eh?

There's a thought.

Shabby business.

Still, there it is.

I've asked the advice
of the best men in the field,

and when we have it, we'll know
better how to proceed.

I myself in the meanwhile
am exploring other avenues.

So, I must ask you to possess
your soul in patience, Colonel.

No sense in keep a dog
and bark yourself, I suppose.

I expect Mr. Pringle
knows what he's doing.

Don't you, Mr. Pringle?

I hope so.

One can but try.

SANDSTREAM: Well, I don't want
to be ungrateful.

Ah.

I'm glad you mentioned that,
Colonel.

SANDSTREAM:
Oh? Why?

We'll leave my fee
for the moment

until we've seen
what I can achieve,

but in the meanwhile, I --
I hardly like to mention it.

I have been involved
in certain expenses.

If you could see
your way clear --

Oh, how much?

Shall we say five guineas?

[ Inhales sharply ]

Five guineas, eh?

[ Clears throat ]

Very well.

- There.
- That's most kind of you.

Yes, I don't want to be
indebted to you.

I appreciate that.

I hope to have some positive
news for you shortly.

In the meanwhile, Colonel.

Ah.

Ma'am.

[ Applause ]

Thanks for calling.

Five guineas.

[ Clicks tongue ]

[ Door closes ]

Good morning, Doris.

Morning, Major.

- How's business?
- It's not bad.

It's not bad at all.

And no sign of Henry yet?

No.
And when there is,

I shall have something to say
to him, believe you me.

Oh? Why?

Well, going off like that
without a word,

leaving me here on my own.

Well, don't say that.

Well, it's true, isn't it?

I hoped that I might have been
some small consolation to you.

Oh.
Did you?

I don't know how I would have
managed without you.

Indeed, I don't want to overstep
the mark,

but I've greatly appreciated
your company.

Oh, well.

I flattered myself
that perhaps by now

it wasn't altogether one-sided,
hmm?

Half the time I don't know
whether to believe you or not.

Believe me.

You have got a way with you,
I will say.

Indeed,
if Henry weren't a friend...

You'll want to watch it,
you know.

For all he's so smooth on top,
Henry can't half cut up rough.

Is that so?

DORIS:
I'm telling you.

Still, he's onto a nice little
number this time, I must say.

DORIS:
It can't last, though, can it?

Why not?

Oh, you lot,
you're all the same.

You're like children.

'Cause somebody's going to
catch up with us, that's why.

Then we move on.

Yeah, I suppose.

You know, me, I wouldn't mind
settling somewhere one day.

You need a bit of capital
for that.

Yeah, that's true.

We'd have it by now, too,

if only we could shift
that blessed Pelosia Balm.

Yes, what it needs is an angle.

Angle?

- Got it!
- What?

- Come on!
- Where?

Oh, Major, wait!

Major?

Well?

Even though I say so myself,
I think it's rather lovely.

Very nice.

Charming.

- Let's have a look.
- Keep still!

There.

- What do I look like?
- Exactly right.

Oh, good.

Now we'll have another one
of her like this.

If that doesn't start a run
on Pelosia Balm,

my name is not Parkins.

We are sticking our neck out
a bit, though, aren't we?

I mean,
there's no two ways about it.

That's a guarantee.

And who's going to stand up
in court

and admit
they've been made a fool of?

Still, Henry was always
most particular

about not giving anything
too definite.

And where did it get him?

No, let this take off,

and it'll make our past profits
look like pin money.

How much money have we got
in the safe by now?

�288.15.

That's a lot of money
to be hanging around.

What are we going to do with it?

Well, Henry always used to take
it home at the end of the week.

And now he's not here.

I'll look after it, shall I?

Sorry, Doris.

Why not?

Oh, it's not that I don't trust
you, you understand,

but a young girl on her own,
she might get set on.

It's too much of a risk to take.

Besides, I promised Henry
that I would be responsible.

I can't load that onto you.

No, don't you worry about it.

I'll see to it.

Don't you worry your pretty
little head about it, hmm?

What will you do with it?

Bank it, of course.

Oh, no!

No,
Henry didn't hold with banks.

Why not?

Well, on account of
if we was caught,

that's the first place
they'd look for the money.

Then we'll put it
in another name.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, yours, I suppose.

Now, that's not nice, Doris.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Henry's got lots of aliases.

There must be one
that hasn't been rumbled yet.

Well, they haven't got nothing
on him yet

in the name of Frederick Winter,
at least not as far as I know.

Winter. Right.

That's where it'll be,

safe as houses in the name
of Winter,

and earning interest, too.

You can't say I'm not
looking after Henry, can you?

You certainly can't.

Now, you take this 'round
to the advertising agency,

I'll look after this,
and I'll see you in the morning.

And don't do anything I wouldn't
do, if I had the chance.

Oh, Major.

[ Bells ring ]

Ah.

[ Clears throat ]

Mr. Roberts?

Robarts, Mr. Pringle.

Uh, forgive me for not making
an appointment.

I'm only too thankful,
at long last,

to have some response
to my letters.

Yes, they have been rather
prolific lately, haven't they?

In view of the state of
your account with this bank --

That's what I wanted to talk
to you about.

Your overdraft
standing as it does,

there really is nothing
to discuss.

Ah,
then no doubt your competitors

will be happy to look after this
for me.

Look after what?

Well, I thought, in view
of our long association,

it should be only fair
to give you first refusal.

However,
if you're not interested.

I had no idea.
How much?

�288.15.

Enough to clear my overdraft

and to leave a sizeable sum
on deposit.

However, I'll get my new bankers
to get in touch.

Oh, no!

No, please, sit down.

Um, have a cigar.

Thank you.

Would you care for a drink?

Never when I'm working.

I'll just get this counted,
shall I?

I don't want to put you
to any trouble.

No trouble at all,
I assure you.

On the contrary.

Count this and let me have
a note of the amount,

quick as you can, Jones.

Well, I must say,
I'm happy for you, Mr. Pringle.

I'm happy, too.

I don't want to pry,
you understand,

but might one inquire
the source of your good fortune?

Between ourselves?

Oh, of course.
Of course.

A gamble paid off.

I didn't know
you were a gambling man.

I'm not, really.

- Beginner's luck?
- You might say.

[ Pounding on door ]

Have you seen this?

I shall have to start
charging you rent.

Yes, the artwork's admirable,
I must say.

Never mind the artwork.

You were supposed to be putting
a stop to Jacobs and his tricks.

I'm doing my best.

Oh, it looks like it,
doesn't it?

"Give him enough rope," was it?

He's going from strength
to strength, isn't he?

[ Knocking on door ]

Excuse me.

Look here, Pringle,
this is going too far!

- Have you seen this?
- Yes.

Oh.
Damn blackguard.

I don't think you know
Sergeant Hawkins.

- Can't say I do.
- Colonel Sandstream.

How do you do, sir?

Sergeant Hawkins
is with the CID.

Oh! I see.
I see. Mm.

Well, I can't say I relish
the thought, but I suppose

I shall have to put myself in
your hands from now on, won't I?

Colonel.

No, Pringle,
you had your chance!

Women and children
being swindled now,

and I can't stand by
and see that happen, can I?

It'll be an unpleasant business.

Pleasant or unpleasant,
this fellow must be stopped!

I cannot shirk my duty
any longer, do you see?

Let the money go
and hang the consequences!

I mean to prosecute
that scoundrel

no matter what it costs me!

Right.

If you'd like to come down
to the station

and swear an information, sir.

The sooner, the better!

Aren't you forgetting something,
Colonel?

My mind is made up, Pringle.
It's no use arguing.

I wouldn't dream of it.

But you have no case
without that letter.

Letter?

The letter you had from Jacobs.

Blackmail,
I think you said it was.

Of course.
Where is it?

With the lawyer.

Then we'll go and get it back.

Just give us
his name and address.

I consulted him in confidence.

He will return that letter
to no one but me.

Oh, come on, now, surely.

He's in honor bound, Colonel.

Yes, yes, I do see.
Hmm.

What's to do, then?

I'll recover it for you.

Just a minute!

We'll come with you.

Unfortunately, I have a prior
engagement to keep,

but it won't take long.

Then I'll retrieve your letter

and meet you back here with it
in shall we say an hour?

- Will that do?
- Well, it'll have to, won't it?

I'm all for striking
while the iron's hot.

But we've got to have the iron,
haven't we, man?

Give the fellow a chance.

Come along.

[ Sighs ]

All right,
we'll be back in an hour.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Typical NCO.

You will have that letter back
within the hour.

Uh, give or take a bit.

Don't want to spoil the ship
for a hap'orth of tar, eh?

Ah! I'm glad you said that,
Colonel.

Now what?

There is a question
of the lawyer's fee.

He hasn't done anything,
damn it.

But he's entitled to charge
for consultation.

Oh? How much?

I couldn't offer him
less than two guineas.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Two guineas, eh?

Oh, well, very well.

Just get that dashed letter
back, that's all.

Yes.

Thank you.
Come along, Hawkins.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Bell tolling ]

One hour, Sergeant.

One hour, Colonel.

Oh, no, you don't.

[ Doris crying ]

You're a grave disappointment
to me, Doris.

Well, that's one thing
we can both agree about.

Shut your sniveling!

She really isn't to blame.

I should look after yourself
if I was you.

How was I to know --

Shut it, I said.

Well, you got a nice little
number going here,

didn't you, Major?

I thought so.

Why put the business
on its feet?

You've pulled the tone
of the place, too.

I think, with all due modesty,
I can say that.

"Lord" this, "lady" that.
The Belgian Embassy, even.

One gross?

I thought that was something
of an accolade.

One way or another, you're a bit
of wizard, aren't you?

PRINGLE:
Thank you.

So, where's the money?

I banked it for you, of course.

You -- For me?

You see?
I told you --

Who's asking you?!

[ Cries ]

Well, if it's still there
in the bank,

nobody need get hurt, need they?

Well,
I'll go and get it for you.

You don't think I'm letting you
out of my sight.

But you have a hostage.

[ Sniffling ]

What's she to you?

Everything.

Oh, nothing.

Oh, Doris.

She's bound to deny it
in the circumstances, I suppose,

but we have come to mean
everything to each other.

Well, you don't hang about,
I will say.

You did rather leave her
in the lurch, didn't you?

You could hardly blame her
for accepting

such small consolation
as I was able to offer her.

Oh, Major.

One more word out of you,
and I'll...

Right, then.

I'll be back within an hour.

You do,
or else never mind about her.

She won't be worth
minding about.

Then we'll come looking for you.

And when we find you, Major,
which we will,

what's left of you won't be fit
for my Pelosia -- cat's meat.

Is that clear?

- Horribly..
- [ Crying ] Ohh! Major.

Don't worry, Doris.

I won't let you down.

[ Doris cries ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Clears throat ]

- Colonel.
- Ah, Pringle.

Well, Pringle,
have you got that letter?

Le-- I, uh --

I don't know if you're
going to be pleased or sorry.

How's that?

The lawyer I consulted
was so incensed by your letter

that he took it upon himself

to call upon the Assyrian
Rejuvenator Company.

Apparently, they backed down
pretty quickly.

They said that if he would
return your letter,

they would refund your money
in full.

- Did they, by God?
- Yes.

So, acting upon his original
instructions, he agreed.

So, 10 guineas.

That was the full amount
you paid, wasn't it?

Yes, yes.

Good.

Now, about my fee.

Oh, yes?

Uh, normally,
under the circumstances,

in view of the time
I have spent,

I would charge 20 guineas.

[ Inhales sharply ]

But as the amount involved
is so small, shall we say 15?

Oh, no, no,
I wouldn't hear of it.

No, dash it, I don't expect a
fellow like you to subsidize me.

- Here. 10.
- 10.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Breathes deeply ]

20.

That's most kind of you.

[ Chuckles ]
Not at all.

But do you think
we ought to leave it at that?

Mean to say,

don't like to think of that
blackguard getting away with it.

- He won't.
- But he already has.

I don't think so.

I bumped into Sergeant Hawkins
on my way back here.

I omitted to tell him that
you had recovered your money.

Did you, by Jove?

Sergeant Hawkins
is a man of action.

All he wants
is a little encouragement.

He felt that it was time

that Mr. Jacobs' activities were
finally brought to a conclusion.

And I must say
I agreed with him.

[ Laughs ]
Hear, hear!

[ Laughs ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Shouting stops ]

[ Hooves clopping ]

PRINGLE:
Sorry, Doris.

Income -- �842.2.

Expenditure -- �24.3.

Net profit --
�817.19.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Knock on door ]

Ah. Sergeant.

Did you get your man, then?

- We did, yes.
- Well done.

There are one or two loose ends,
though, as I'd like to clear up.

I'm at your service, Sergeant.

As always.

Jacobs says he never
so much as clapped eyes on you.

[ Laughing ]
Well...

He said it was a Major Parkins

what set up this particularly
Pelosia Balm swindle

while he was away.

Parkins? Hmm.

Well, he'll say anything
to try to shift the blame.

You ought to know that.

It's a funny thing, you knowing
Major Parkins, though, isn't it?

Do I?

Yes, I told you.
He was here.

He came to call on you
the other day.

That's right, so you said.

Well?

I've told you I don't know
anyone of that name.

Then what was he doing here?

I have no idea.

Perhaps he was a figment
of Jacobs' imagination.

But I saw him.

So you did, yes.

Well, perhaps he heard that
I was representing Sandstream

and came 'round to see

if he could try to effect
a settlement.

I don't suppose we shall ever
know now, Sergeant, shall we?

There's something fishy
going on here.

Undoubtedly.

Though all's well
that ends well,

as the Bard has it,
eh, Sergeant?

But you haven't even claimed
your reward

as a common informer.

Blast.

I forgot all about that, hmm?

So, what did you get out of it?

Virtue, Sergeant,
is its own reward.

Yes.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Hey, where do you think
you're going?

My dear fellow,
if I don't know my way by now...

[ Clearing throat ]

Aha.

- Aah!
- Ohh!

- Pringle!
- Colonel!

Hello, duckie.

I felt I should inform
Miss Shepherd

that our business
was satisfactorily concluded.

Oh, yes?

Yes, well, I don't suppose
I'll be seeing you again.

So, ma'am.

Colonel.

Now, look here, Pringle.

I've been working things out,

and what with your fee
and one thing and another,

this whole business has left me

the best part of 27 guineas
out of pocket.

But it's the principle
that counts, Colonel.

My God, sir, that's a sentiment
one seldom hears these days.

[ Chuckles ]

I'll see you out.

- Colonel.
- Sir.

[ Applause ]

Sorry, duckie.

Some men are born to virtue.

Others achieve it.

I seem to have it
thrust upon me.

Nevertheless, you have my card.

Yes. Why?

The old boy's had a busy day.

He's liable to fall asleep

drinking champagne
out of your slipper.

And if he does?

You'll know where to find me.

[ Applause ]

[ Door closes ]

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