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1
00:00:03,535 --> 00:00:07,005
[♪]
2
00:00:15,681 --> 00:00:18,049
♪ love and marriage ♪
3
00:00:18,050 --> 00:00:20,518
♪ love and marriage ♪
4
00:00:20,519 --> 00:00:22,320
♪ go together like ♪
5
00:00:22,321 --> 00:00:24,789
♪ a horse and carriage ♪
6
00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:28,793
♪ this I tell ya, brother ♪
7
00:00:28,794 --> 00:00:30,729
♪ you can't have one ♪
8
00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,632
♪ without the other ♪
9
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,934
♪ love and marriage ♪
10
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,536
♪ love and marriage ♪
11
00:00:38,537 --> 00:00:39,938
♪ it's an institute ♪
12
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:42,340
♪ you can't disparage ♪
13
00:00:42,341 --> 00:00:46,111
♪ ask the local gentry ♪
14
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:50,649
♪ and they will say
it's elementary ♪
15
00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:55,453
♪ try, try, try
to separate them ♪
16
00:00:55,454 --> 00:00:59,157
♪ it's an illusion ♪
17
00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:04,295
♪ try, try, try
and you will only come ♪
18
00:01:04,296 --> 00:01:07,732
♪ to this conclusion ♪
19
00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:09,834
♪ love and marriage ♪
20
00:01:19,912 --> 00:01:21,980
Ooh, I'm starving.
21
00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:23,314
Where's mom?
22
00:01:23,315 --> 00:01:24,816
I don't know.
23
00:01:24,817 --> 00:01:28,553
Go out and play.
24
00:01:28,554 --> 00:01:30,188
What are you hiding?
25
00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:32,924
Nothing.
26
00:01:32,925 --> 00:01:35,927
You have food there.
I know it.
27
00:01:35,928 --> 00:01:37,461
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
28
00:01:37,462 --> 00:01:39,497
Tang residue.
29
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:43,568
You glutton.
30
00:01:43,569 --> 00:01:44,936
Ah, another great morning.
31
00:01:44,937 --> 00:01:47,438
Didn't sleep at all last night
32
00:01:47,439 --> 00:01:49,941
With steve's
stupid car alarm going off.
33
00:01:49,942 --> 00:01:51,943
Off course, then
that wakes up your mother,
34
00:01:51,944 --> 00:01:53,644
And I got to talk to her.
35
00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:58,917
You almost lost your daddy
last night, kids.
36
00:01:58,918 --> 00:02:00,218
What are you hiding?
37
00:02:03,388 --> 00:02:04,756
Nothing.
38
00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:06,925
Finished off the tang
on me again, eh?
39
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:08,526
Well,
40
00:02:08,527 --> 00:02:11,529
Your dad still has
a few tricks left
41
00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:13,464
In his tired old body.
42
00:02:19,538 --> 00:02:21,472
Tang wipe.
43
00:02:25,544 --> 00:02:27,779
Good morning, everyone.
44
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,914
Boy, am I stuffed.
45
00:02:29,915 --> 00:02:31,916
You know,
you've just got to try
46
00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:34,119
That slam dunk breakfast
at kippy's.
47
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,721
Pancakes, bacon,
sausage, eggs.
48
00:02:36,722 --> 00:02:41,226
I finally had to say stop,
I can't eat anymore.
49
00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,628
Peg, what do you do
50
00:02:43,629 --> 00:02:45,630
With all the money
I give you for food?
51
00:02:45,631 --> 00:02:48,532
I just told you.
52
00:02:48,533 --> 00:02:49,533
[doorbell rings]
53
00:02:49,534 --> 00:02:50,635
Peg, you want to get that?
54
00:02:50,636 --> 00:02:52,137
It's probably the homeless
55
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:54,038
On their
"it could be worse" tour.
56
00:02:59,111 --> 00:03:02,113
Hi. I just stopped by
to apologize
57
00:03:02,114 --> 00:03:04,615
If steve's car alarm
kept you up last night.
58
00:03:04,616 --> 00:03:05,950
He's out of town,
59
00:03:05,951 --> 00:03:09,120
And it's his first night away
from his new mercedes,
60
00:03:09,121 --> 00:03:11,122
So he set his alarm
on ultra-sensitive.
61
00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:14,625
The slightest touch,
and it goes off all night.
62
00:03:14,626 --> 00:03:17,662
Does it have
a brother?
63
00:03:17,663 --> 00:03:20,799
Look, I'm sorry,
but you can't blame him.
64
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,802
It's a magnificent
piece of machinery.
65
00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:25,170
So how does it drive?
66
00:03:25,171 --> 00:03:28,273
How should I know?
He won't let me near it.
67
00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:29,841
Well, consider
yourself lucky.
68
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:33,344
The thing you can't touch
is in the garage.
69
00:03:33,345 --> 00:03:35,814
Mine is in the bedroom.
70
00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:38,049
Mom, bud found
a corn flake
71
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,551
Between the refrigerator
and the sink,
72
00:03:40,552 --> 00:03:42,386
And he won't share.
73
00:03:42,387 --> 00:03:43,855
Aw, this is ridiculous.
74
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,256
Come on, kids,
75
00:03:45,257 --> 00:03:47,258
This may be against
everything I believe in,
76
00:03:47,259 --> 00:03:49,060
But I'm taking you
out to breakfast.
77
00:03:49,061 --> 00:03:50,561
Oh!
All right!
78
00:03:50,562 --> 00:03:52,163
Now, kids,
when we get to the restaurant,
79
00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:53,564
Something strange will happen.
80
00:03:53,565 --> 00:03:56,100
A woman will bring you food.
81
00:03:56,101 --> 00:03:58,502
Now, uh...
82
00:03:58,503 --> 00:03:59,637
Don't be scared.
83
00:03:59,638 --> 00:04:01,505
She's called a waitress.
84
00:04:01,506 --> 00:04:05,710
That's just god's
alternative to mommies.
85
00:04:05,711 --> 00:04:08,079
Boy, squabbling over a meal--
86
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,348
Thank god,
steve's a liberated man
87
00:04:10,349 --> 00:04:11,615
And cooks for me.
88
00:04:11,616 --> 00:04:14,285
Why don't you cook
for the family, al?
89
00:04:14,286 --> 00:04:17,322
Mom, no! Please!
90
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,023
Do you remember
last summer?
91
00:04:19,024 --> 00:04:20,424
Tortilla night?
92
00:04:20,425 --> 00:04:22,093
And the resulting
plumbing problem?
93
00:04:22,094 --> 00:04:24,362
And I thought you loved us.
94
00:04:24,363 --> 00:04:26,530
Come on, dad.
95
00:04:26,531 --> 00:04:31,002
I don't know why those tortillas
exploded like that.
96
00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:33,637
You know, sometimes
I get so mad
97
00:04:33,638 --> 00:04:35,773
I could just
kill that man.
98
00:04:35,774 --> 00:04:38,709
I like to think
that I am.
99
00:04:38,710 --> 00:04:40,845
I meant steve.
100
00:04:40,846 --> 00:04:43,447
Peggy, when al got his new car,
did he let you drive it?
101
00:04:43,448 --> 00:04:44,548
A few times.
102
00:04:44,549 --> 00:04:46,384
Once, he had no brakes,
103
00:04:46,385 --> 00:04:49,153
And someone had to take it
to the mechanic.
104
00:04:49,154 --> 00:04:51,022
Listen, peggy,
can I borrow your car
105
00:04:51,023 --> 00:04:52,723
To go to
the supermarket?
106
00:04:52,724 --> 00:04:54,759
My car doesn't go there.
107
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:56,660
What's wrong with your car?
108
00:04:56,661 --> 00:04:58,829
It's in the shop.
109
00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:00,231
Just take his car.
110
00:05:00,232 --> 00:05:01,732
It's your car too.
111
00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:03,734
Look, don't let him
start thinking
112
00:05:03,735 --> 00:05:05,736
He can have things
of his own.
113
00:05:05,737 --> 00:05:08,072
It's the road to ruin.
114
00:05:08,073 --> 00:05:10,074
You know,
it's taken me 16 years,
115
00:05:10,075 --> 00:05:15,746
But I am proud to say
that al finally has nothing.
116
00:05:15,747 --> 00:05:18,716
Just go for a ride
in your mercedes, marce.
117
00:05:18,717 --> 00:05:19,918
I don't know.
118
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:21,719
I'd have to change
the seat and the mirrors.
119
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,222
It took him weeks
to set them just right.
120
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:28,927
What do you care
what he wants?
121
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:32,263
Look, al doesn't like me
blowing smoke in his eggs.
122
00:05:32,264 --> 00:05:36,534
What am I supposed to do?
Stop smoking?
123
00:05:36,535 --> 00:05:37,535
You're right.
124
00:05:37,536 --> 00:05:38,636
Of course.
125
00:05:38,637 --> 00:05:41,639
I'm taking his car
for a drive.
126
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,142
You know what else
I'm going to do?
127
00:05:44,143 --> 00:05:47,145
Change all the preset
stations on his radio.
128
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:50,148
He's an idiot.
It is my car too.
129
00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:52,616
You know what else
I'm going to do?
130
00:05:52,617 --> 00:05:54,152
I'm gonna go
in reverse,
131
00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:55,653
Then shift into drive
132
00:05:55,654 --> 00:05:57,155
Without coming
to a complete stop.
133
00:05:57,156 --> 00:05:58,789
Oh, man!
134
00:06:00,192 --> 00:06:01,426
Ahh.
135
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:05,363
Ahh.
136
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:08,132
Well, kids,
that was food.
137
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:09,968
Could you get used to it?
138
00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:11,369
Oh, dad...
139
00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:14,472
It was cooked.
140
00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:19,510
Yeah, pancakes
are better like that, son.
141
00:06:20,712 --> 00:06:22,146
Hey, mom,
142
00:06:22,147 --> 00:06:25,283
Tomorrow, could you
make us some waffles?
143
00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:27,751
[giggles]
144
00:06:27,752 --> 00:06:29,087
No.
145
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:30,754
[doorbell rings]
146
00:06:30,755 --> 00:06:32,156
By the way, kids,
147
00:06:32,157 --> 00:06:35,059
Any chance of you
cleaning your rooms today?
148
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:37,061
[both giggle]
149
00:06:37,062 --> 00:06:38,396
No.
No.
150
00:06:43,735 --> 00:06:46,770
Oh, hi, marce.
How did the mercedes drive?
151
00:06:46,771 --> 00:06:48,206
You drove steve's mercedes?
152
00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:49,740
What did you hit?
153
00:06:51,076 --> 00:06:52,676
You know, al,
this may surprise you,
154
00:06:52,677 --> 00:06:55,679
But women today
are race car drivers,
155
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,682
Pilots, astronauts,
anything we want to be.
156
00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:00,918
We're just as good as men.
157
00:07:00,919 --> 00:07:03,087
What did you hit?
158
00:07:03,088 --> 00:07:05,490
A fire hydrant.
159
00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:07,625
What am I
going to do?
160
00:07:07,626 --> 00:07:09,560
Gee, I don't know.
161
00:07:09,561 --> 00:07:12,430
You never should have
driven his car.
162
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:15,633
Steve is
gonna kill me.
163
00:07:15,634 --> 00:07:17,635
I've tried
every body shop in town,
164
00:07:17,636 --> 00:07:19,303
And they can't fix it
till next week.
165
00:07:19,304 --> 00:07:20,505
Why bother?
166
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:22,706
I'll just tell
steve the truth.
167
00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:25,376
He'll be so happy
I wasn't hurt,
168
00:07:25,377 --> 00:07:27,178
He'll throw his arms around me
and forgive me.
169
00:07:27,179 --> 00:07:28,679
I'm going home right now
170
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,881
So I can be there first thing
to tell steve
171
00:07:30,882 --> 00:07:32,050
When he walks in the door.
172
00:07:33,352 --> 00:07:35,953
Would you like to hear
what happened to me
173
00:07:35,954 --> 00:07:37,422
In the seventh grade?
174
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:39,457
Go home.
175
00:07:42,761 --> 00:07:43,627
[car pulling up]
176
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:49,833
That's him.
177
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:52,937
Hide me. I'll pay you.
178
00:07:52,938 --> 00:07:54,672
He's getting out.
179
00:07:54,673 --> 00:07:55,873
He's paying.
180
00:07:55,874 --> 00:07:58,443
Now he's going into
the house-- no, no, no.
181
00:07:58,444 --> 00:07:59,910
It's the garage.
182
00:07:59,911 --> 00:08:01,412
The car's in there!
183
00:08:01,413 --> 00:08:04,382
He'll never see the dent.
It's too dark.
184
00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:07,218
Steve: Aah!
185
00:08:07,219 --> 00:08:08,752
Marcie!
186
00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:11,589
She's in here, steve!
187
00:08:15,227 --> 00:08:16,694
Marcie!
188
00:08:16,695 --> 00:08:18,696
Oh, steve, I'm sorry.
189
00:08:18,697 --> 00:08:20,698
I'm so sorry.
190
00:08:20,699 --> 00:08:22,833
You moved my seat.
191
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:25,636
Uh, yes, I did.
192
00:08:25,637 --> 00:08:27,438
I'm sorry.
193
00:08:27,439 --> 00:08:30,641
I'm so sorry.
194
00:08:30,642 --> 00:08:33,144
Oh, steve,
I missed you so much.
195
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:34,845
Let's never go home.
196
00:08:34,846 --> 00:08:37,081
No, marcie, let's not
gloss over this.
197
00:08:37,082 --> 00:08:38,282
You've done
a terrible thing.
198
00:08:38,283 --> 00:08:41,586
It took me weeks to get
that seat the way I like it,
199
00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:43,387
It took me almost
as long as it took
200
00:08:43,388 --> 00:08:44,455
To properly
adjust the mirrors
201
00:08:44,456 --> 00:08:45,756
And set
my radio stations.
202
00:08:45,757 --> 00:08:47,758
How long will it
take you to adjust
203
00:08:47,759 --> 00:08:51,562
The fire hydrant-shaped hole
she put in the passenger side?
204
00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:58,836
Whoops,
I spoiled marcie's surprise.
205
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:05,776
Al, did you
have to tell him?
206
00:09:05,777 --> 00:09:08,212
You betcha.
207
00:09:08,213 --> 00:09:09,713
Oh, it'll be okay.
208
00:09:09,714 --> 00:09:11,215
It's just a dent.
209
00:09:11,216 --> 00:09:15,219
[steve sobbing]
210
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:17,221
What am I worried about?
211
00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:21,025
My mercedes!
My baby!
212
00:09:21,026 --> 00:09:22,527
Oh, he'll be fine.
213
00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:24,529
See, whenever
steve goes away overnight,
214
00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:27,031
He comes home
consumed with passion,
215
00:09:27,032 --> 00:09:29,800
So all I have to do
is pretend that I am too.
216
00:09:29,801 --> 00:09:31,101
He'll forget about that car,
217
00:09:31,102 --> 00:09:33,103
And we won't make it
of the bedroom until Monday.
218
00:09:33,104 --> 00:09:34,505
Gee, you know,
219
00:09:34,506 --> 00:09:36,106
The only time
al and I ever spent
220
00:09:36,107 --> 00:09:37,608
A weekend
in the bedroom
221
00:09:37,609 --> 00:09:40,110
Is when we were hiding
from the kids
222
00:09:40,111 --> 00:09:41,979
Because we forgot
it was christmas.
223
00:09:53,024 --> 00:09:54,392
Steve?
224
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:56,460
Pumpkin?
225
00:10:00,199 --> 00:10:03,201
I'm going to be
straightforward with you.
226
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:04,702
I drove your car.
227
00:10:04,703 --> 00:10:06,204
Let's go to bed.
228
00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:07,771
You're right.
229
00:10:07,772 --> 00:10:09,707
I'll go home first,
230
00:10:09,708 --> 00:10:11,209
I'll light
the candles,
231
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:12,710
Put on my nightie,
232
00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:14,078
And...
233
00:10:14,079 --> 00:10:18,449
Brace myself.
234
00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:20,351
Hey, let's stop
in the garage.
235
00:10:20,352 --> 00:10:22,853
You know,
I haven't seen a good wreck
236
00:10:22,854 --> 00:10:26,424
Since I backed
al's car over our mailbox.
237
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:30,494
I mean,
since kelly did that.
238
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:37,668
My car.
239
00:10:37,669 --> 00:10:39,237
She touched it.
240
00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:42,806
Now it doesn't even
feel like it's mine anymore.
241
00:10:42,807 --> 00:10:44,842
Yeah, I know,
I feel the same way
242
00:10:44,843 --> 00:10:47,511
About several parts
of my body.
243
00:10:49,481 --> 00:10:51,081
What am I saying?
244
00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:52,583
The important thing
is marcie's okay.
245
00:10:52,584 --> 00:10:54,585
I mean, it's just
a car, right?
246
00:10:54,586 --> 00:10:56,086
Peg: Whoa-ho-ho!
247
00:10:56,087 --> 00:10:58,021
It cracked
like an egg!
248
00:11:15,940 --> 00:11:16,940
You see, al,
249
00:11:16,941 --> 00:11:18,242
There was no screaming
250
00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:19,910
Over at steve and marcie's
last night.
251
00:11:19,911 --> 00:11:23,281
But I do the smallest thing,
and you yell at me for months.
252
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:25,816
No smoked toast?
253
00:11:25,817 --> 00:11:27,685
[doorbell rings]
254
00:11:31,156 --> 00:11:33,791
Well, steve forgave me.
255
00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:38,329
He's the most wonderful
man in the world.
256
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:41,332
Why can't you be
more like steve?
257
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:43,501
And steve's impotent.
258
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:51,442
My god.
259
00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:53,911
Al, you are like steve.
260
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:02,420
Oh, marcie.
It's only one night.
261
00:12:02,421 --> 00:12:04,588
Give it a reasonable
period of time.
262
00:12:04,589 --> 00:12:06,757
You know, back in '74,
263
00:12:06,758 --> 00:12:08,526
I thought al
had that problem.
264
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:11,362
But by '79,
it cleared up fine.
265
00:12:13,365 --> 00:12:16,467
But steve
is mr. Ever-ready.
266
00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:21,872
And we tried
six times last night.
267
00:12:21,873 --> 00:12:24,675
Six times in one night?
268
00:12:24,676 --> 00:12:27,712
Did you hear that, al?
269
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:29,112
Hey, give me some credit.
270
00:12:29,113 --> 00:12:32,282
I can fail six times too.
271
00:12:32,283 --> 00:12:34,719
But steve
never failed before.
272
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,253
Let's get to the bottom of this.
273
00:12:36,254 --> 00:12:39,657
The first time you tried,
was the light on?
274
00:12:40,792 --> 00:12:41,892
Yes.
275
00:12:41,893 --> 00:12:43,494
There you go-- he saw you.
276
00:12:46,498 --> 00:12:47,798
[doorbell rings]
277
00:12:47,799 --> 00:12:49,299
If that's steve,
278
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:52,503
Please don't tell him you know
about his problem.
279
00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:57,241
Hey, buddy. What's up?
280
00:12:57,242 --> 00:12:59,577
Oops, sorry.
281
00:13:04,082 --> 00:13:07,818
I hope we didn't
keep you up last night.
282
00:13:07,819 --> 00:13:11,021
Oh, dear, what's that
in your pocket?
283
00:13:11,022 --> 00:13:12,456
My car keys.
284
00:13:18,129 --> 00:13:19,797
What's the matter?
285
00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:22,800
Ah, she's probably
overcome by the, uh...
286
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:26,270
Six times we did it
last night.
287
00:13:26,271 --> 00:13:29,039
[marcy sobbing]
oh, no...
288
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,475
Yeah, steve,
you're a real stallion.
289
00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:36,580
What say we go down
to the ice cream shop
290
00:13:36,581 --> 00:13:39,450
And get a, uh... Softie.
291
00:13:45,590 --> 00:13:47,391
I can't believe you told them.
292
00:13:47,392 --> 00:13:48,793
I'm sorry.
293
00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:52,296
It's just that you were
once a mighty oak,
294
00:13:52,297 --> 00:13:53,697
And now--
295
00:13:53,698 --> 00:13:55,566
A hanging vine.
296
00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:02,706
Uh, excuse me.
297
00:14:02,707 --> 00:14:04,608
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
298
00:14:04,609 --> 00:14:06,176
This is
a temporary thing
299
00:14:06,177 --> 00:14:10,681
Due to overwork, stress,
or, uh... Over use.
300
00:14:10,682 --> 00:14:12,683
I'm not
worried at all.
301
00:14:12,684 --> 00:14:15,686
I'm going to go out,
pump some iron,
302
00:14:15,687 --> 00:14:17,187
Toss a football,
303
00:14:17,188 --> 00:14:20,123
Let the girls see
what they can't have.
304
00:14:20,124 --> 00:14:24,328
I mean, because I'm married.
305
00:14:24,329 --> 00:14:27,331
Not because I can't.
306
00:14:27,332 --> 00:14:29,366
Because I can.
307
00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:30,901
He can't, you know.
308
00:14:30,902 --> 00:14:32,736
Peggy, what can I do
309
00:14:32,737 --> 00:14:35,639
To make him the sexual
beast he was?
310
00:14:36,908 --> 00:14:40,043
How would I know?
311
00:14:40,044 --> 00:14:42,513
There must be somebody
I can talk to.
312
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:44,047
Ahem.
313
00:14:44,048 --> 00:14:45,850
Anybody.
314
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:49,353
Ahem.
315
00:14:49,354 --> 00:14:52,089
Oh, god, no.
316
00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:53,824
Well, he has been there.
317
00:14:53,825 --> 00:14:55,893
Peggy, would you
excuse us?
318
00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:57,895
I'm about
to humiliate myself,
319
00:14:57,896 --> 00:15:00,230
And I would prefer
no witnesses.
320
00:15:00,231 --> 00:15:01,765
Sure, marcie,
I understand.
321
00:15:01,766 --> 00:15:04,267
And you're doing
the right thing.
322
00:15:04,268 --> 00:15:07,270
If you want to know
about a hanging vine,
323
00:15:07,271 --> 00:15:09,272
Come to
a withered birch.
324
00:15:09,273 --> 00:15:11,241
Take it away, al.
325
00:15:14,946 --> 00:15:18,115
Well, marcie,
what can I do for you?
326
00:15:18,116 --> 00:15:22,119
I need to know how
to turn a man on.
327
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,622
Well, I'm not
a plastic surgeon,
328
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:26,957
But I'll do what I can.
329
00:15:29,227 --> 00:15:32,730
See, marcie,
you touched steve's car.
330
00:15:32,731 --> 00:15:35,733
Now, what did steve
ask you not to do?
331
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:37,234
Touch his car.
332
00:15:37,235 --> 00:15:38,736
What did you do?
333
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:40,070
Touched his car.
334
00:15:40,071 --> 00:15:41,405
I can't hear you.
335
00:15:41,406 --> 00:15:43,407
I touched his car.
So what?
336
00:15:43,408 --> 00:15:45,442
Well...
So you disobeyed a man,
337
00:15:45,443 --> 00:15:49,513
Which means you weren't
doing your job as a woman.
338
00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,551
See, the thing is...
339
00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:55,052
Women don't understand
340
00:15:55,053 --> 00:15:57,555
That men don't
really need them.
341
00:15:57,556 --> 00:16:00,057
See, if you want
to talk to someone,
342
00:16:00,058 --> 00:16:01,559
You talk to the guys.
343
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,061
If you want to have some fun,
you go with the guys.
344
00:16:04,062 --> 00:16:05,963
You want sex, you...
345
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:10,067
Reminisce with the guys.
346
00:16:10,068 --> 00:16:11,936
Now let's get back to women.
347
00:16:11,937 --> 00:16:12,970
What are they for?
348
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:14,337
The two "c"s.
349
00:16:14,338 --> 00:16:15,573
Cooking.
350
00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:18,341
Kitchen.
351
00:16:18,342 --> 00:16:21,411
Al, I'm amazed
your knuckles don't bleed
352
00:16:21,412 --> 00:16:23,447
When you walk.
353
00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:27,451
Good day, marcie.
354
00:16:27,452 --> 00:16:28,953
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
355
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:30,454
Go on.
356
00:16:30,455 --> 00:16:31,655
Very well.
357
00:16:31,656 --> 00:16:34,658
So we've established
that we don't need you.
358
00:16:34,659 --> 00:16:36,093
Now...
359
00:16:36,094 --> 00:16:38,462
Let's ask ourselves
360
00:16:38,463 --> 00:16:41,865
What the heck
do we keep you around for?
361
00:16:41,866 --> 00:16:43,366
It's because we're optimists.
362
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:47,104
We believe
that you can change.
363
00:16:47,105 --> 00:16:51,775
The world renowned social
scientist mr. Hugh hefner
364
00:16:51,776 --> 00:16:55,112
Has made great strides
in that area.
365
00:16:55,113 --> 00:16:58,616
Get to it, java man.
366
00:16:58,617 --> 00:16:59,950
Very well.
367
00:16:59,951 --> 00:17:02,953
Marcie, your problem is
you're not servile enough.
368
00:17:02,954 --> 00:17:05,956
Young lady, if you want
to save your marriage,
369
00:17:05,957 --> 00:17:08,959
You're going to have to learn
to compromise a little.
370
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,460
Put down that briefcase,
371
00:17:10,461 --> 00:17:13,931
Pick up a dishrag,
and be a woman.
372
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:16,433
Al, I can only say this.
373
00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:18,435
There may be
something alive
374
00:17:18,436 --> 00:17:20,938
With fewer brain cells
than you,
375
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:23,941
But whatever it is,
wherever it is,
376
00:17:23,942 --> 00:17:27,210
I'm sure its name
is "bundy".
377
00:17:27,211 --> 00:17:29,346
You should be
on all fours,
378
00:17:29,347 --> 00:17:34,484
Pulling a wagon full of borax
across the desert.
379
00:17:34,485 --> 00:17:36,186
You are compost.
380
00:17:36,187 --> 00:17:37,688
You are phlegm.
381
00:17:37,689 --> 00:17:40,791
You are a true pork product.
382
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:43,293
You going to take my advice?
383
00:17:43,294 --> 00:17:45,529
Yes.
384
00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:48,465
Thank you, al,
for your time and help.
385
00:17:48,466 --> 00:17:51,568
Pig.
386
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:57,407
Feel good?
387
00:17:57,408 --> 00:17:58,575
Mm, yes.
388
00:17:58,576 --> 00:18:00,577
But that's really
not necessary.
389
00:18:00,578 --> 00:18:04,748
No. I want to.
390
00:18:04,749 --> 00:18:07,250
It's just that
I feel uncomfortable
391
00:18:07,251 --> 00:18:08,752
Having you do that.
392
00:18:08,753 --> 00:18:10,253
Want me to stop?
393
00:18:10,254 --> 00:18:11,421
No.
394
00:18:11,422 --> 00:18:12,589
Great.
395
00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:15,092
The potatoes
are a little bland.
396
00:18:15,093 --> 00:18:16,794
Where's the salt?
397
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:20,764
Didn't I bring it up
on one of my six trips?
398
00:18:20,765 --> 00:18:24,868
No, but I...
Guess I don't really...
399
00:18:24,869 --> 00:18:27,204
Need it.
400
00:18:27,205 --> 00:18:29,139
Never mind.
I'll get it.
401
00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:31,008
No trouble at all.
402
00:18:34,779 --> 00:18:36,947
[footsteps running
up stairs]
403
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,066
Mm!
404
00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:58,301
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
405
00:18:58,302 --> 00:19:00,738
Thanks, dear.
You're a good wife.
406
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:05,075
Oh, thank you, darling.
407
00:19:05,076 --> 00:19:07,577
What would you like
to do now?
408
00:19:07,578 --> 00:19:08,746
Want to talk?
409
00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:10,547
Sure.
410
00:19:10,548 --> 00:19:14,417
I had the most interesting day
at work on Friday.
411
00:19:14,418 --> 00:19:16,019
I vacuumed today.
412
00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:19,056
Really? What else
did you do?
413
00:19:19,057 --> 00:19:20,557
Well, I took a toothbrush
414
00:19:20,558 --> 00:19:21,959
To the grout
and the bathroom tile
415
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,461
And scrubbed out
all the stains.
416
00:19:24,462 --> 00:19:26,463
It was kind
of therapeutic
417
00:19:26,464 --> 00:19:30,433
After relining
your blazers.
418
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:31,601
Mm.
419
00:19:31,602 --> 00:19:34,604
Oh, marcie, could you
turn up the heat?
420
00:19:34,605 --> 00:19:36,106
Just one degree.
421
00:19:36,107 --> 00:19:38,508
Sure. No trouble at all.
422
00:19:40,711 --> 00:19:42,712
And if you're still cold,
423
00:19:42,713 --> 00:19:45,448
I could strap you
to the radiator spread-eagle.
424
00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:49,352
Comfy?
425
00:19:49,353 --> 00:19:50,821
Eh.
426
00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:54,024
What would you like
for dinner tomorrow?
427
00:19:54,025 --> 00:19:57,995
Oh, I don't know.
Something simple.
428
00:19:57,996 --> 00:20:01,098
How about beef wellington
and baked alaska?
429
00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:02,532
On a work night?
430
00:20:02,533 --> 00:20:05,535
I mean, I guess I could
get up early,
431
00:20:05,536 --> 00:20:06,937
And go to the market
before work,
432
00:20:06,938 --> 00:20:09,472
And then come home at lunch
and grind the goose liver,
433
00:20:09,473 --> 00:20:11,474
Separate the eggs,
and make the pastry dough.
434
00:20:11,475 --> 00:20:14,978
I should be able to have it
on the table by 8:00.
435
00:20:14,979 --> 00:20:16,713
I don't like
to eat that late.
436
00:20:16,714 --> 00:20:19,649
Then I just won't sleep.
437
00:20:19,650 --> 00:20:23,753
You sure
it's no trouble?
438
00:20:23,754 --> 00:20:26,756
No.
439
00:20:26,757 --> 00:20:28,258
I love to cook.
440
00:20:28,259 --> 00:20:29,426
Oh, marcie.
441
00:20:29,427 --> 00:20:30,593
Mm.
442
00:20:30,594 --> 00:20:32,595
And I love to clean.
443
00:20:32,596 --> 00:20:34,898
Oh, marcie.
444
00:20:34,899 --> 00:20:37,968
And I'll never touch
your car again.
445
00:20:37,969 --> 00:20:39,136
Oh, marcie!
446
00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:40,737
Mm.
447
00:20:40,738 --> 00:20:43,207
Oh, steve.
448
00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:46,576
Oh, steve!
449
00:20:49,714 --> 00:20:51,715
And tonight
she's making me
450
00:20:51,716 --> 00:20:53,717
Beef wellington
and baked alaska.
451
00:20:53,718 --> 00:20:57,587
Boy, I wish
I had a wife.
452
00:20:59,224 --> 00:21:01,992
Steve, I'm having some problems
with the baked alaska.
453
00:21:01,993 --> 00:21:05,695
I got plain vanilla ice cream
instead of french vanilla.
454
00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:09,967
That's okay.
455
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:11,869
Never mind.
I'll get it.
456
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:14,437
It's just that
my car is still in the shop.
457
00:21:14,438 --> 00:21:16,206
Can I use your--
458
00:21:18,576 --> 00:21:21,078
Never mind. I'll walk.
459
00:21:21,079 --> 00:21:25,548
A brisk four-mile jaunt
should do me good.
460
00:21:27,418 --> 00:21:30,420
Oh, did I mention
I wanted whipped cream?
461
00:21:30,421 --> 00:21:33,423
Oh, well. I'll
send her back out.
462
00:21:33,424 --> 00:21:36,426
Al, I don't know
how I can ever thank you.
463
00:21:36,427 --> 00:21:40,197
This impotence
scheme of yours
464
00:21:40,198 --> 00:21:42,399
Has given me a wife
I never even dreamed existed.
465
00:21:49,707 --> 00:21:55,545
I got to tell you, though,
it was rough faking failure.
466
00:21:55,546 --> 00:21:57,547
But thanks
for the advice.
467
00:21:57,548 --> 00:21:59,049
Trying to figure out
468
00:21:59,050 --> 00:22:01,551
Why bruce willis
is a star really helped.
469
00:22:04,889 --> 00:22:06,089
I got plenty of them.
470
00:22:06,090 --> 00:22:08,458
Did you do the salt bit?
Yup.
471
00:22:08,459 --> 00:22:09,459
The thermostat?
472
00:22:09,460 --> 00:22:11,361
One degree.
473
00:22:11,362 --> 00:22:12,762
Nice twist.
474
00:22:12,763 --> 00:22:15,565
How long do you think
I can play this thing out?
475
00:22:15,566 --> 00:22:18,068
Until you get
the car fixed.
476
00:22:18,069 --> 00:22:20,570
When are you
going to take it in?
477
00:22:20,571 --> 00:22:21,738
Couple of weeks.
478
00:22:21,739 --> 00:22:24,507
Hell, maybe not
for a couple months.
479
00:22:24,508 --> 00:22:27,811
After all, the dent's not
even on the driver's side.
480
00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:43,393
[♪]
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