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1
00:00:03,435 --> 00:00:05,269
[♪]
2
00:00:16,482 --> 00:00:18,282
♪ love and marriage ♪
3
00:00:18,283 --> 00:00:20,986
♪ love and marriage ♪
4
00:00:20,987 --> 00:00:24,889
♪ go together like
a horse and carriage ♪
5
00:00:24,890 --> 00:00:29,060
♪ this I tell ya, brother ♪
6
00:00:29,061 --> 00:00:33,531
♪ you can't have one
without the other ♪
7
00:00:33,532 --> 00:00:35,767
♪ love and marriage ♪
8
00:00:35,768 --> 00:00:38,402
♪ love and marriage
9
00:00:38,403 --> 00:00:42,674
♪ it's an institute
you can't disparage ♪
10
00:00:42,675 --> 00:00:46,611
♪ ask the local gentry ♪
11
00:00:46,612 --> 00:00:51,016
♪ and they will say
it's elementary ♪
12
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:55,887
♪ try, try, try
to separate them ♪
13
00:00:55,888 --> 00:00:59,524
♪ it's an illusion ♪
14
00:00:59,525 --> 00:01:06,397
♪ try, try, try
and you will only come ♪
15
00:01:06,398 --> 00:01:08,133
♪ to this conclusion ♪
16
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,268
♪ love and marriage-- ♪
17
00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:12,137
[gunshot]
18
00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:19,277
I'm so excited!
19
00:01:19,278 --> 00:01:21,780
Steve's been gone
for five days.
20
00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:23,281
That's the longest
we've been apart
21
00:01:23,282 --> 00:01:24,282
Since we were married.
22
00:01:24,283 --> 00:01:25,684
Well, you know how it is, peg.
23
00:01:25,685 --> 00:01:29,854
What would you do
if al was gone for five days?
24
00:01:29,855 --> 00:01:31,823
Cash in his insurance policy,
25
00:01:31,824 --> 00:01:37,062
Give the kids to my mother,
and travel.
26
00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:38,763
[car approaches]
27
00:01:38,764 --> 00:01:42,834
There's steve now.
Get ready.
28
00:01:48,841 --> 00:01:52,143
Al, did you
have to come home?
29
00:01:54,613 --> 00:01:56,614
Well, the summer place
is all closed up,
30
00:01:56,615 --> 00:01:57,615
The yacht's in dry-dock,
31
00:01:57,616 --> 00:01:59,117
So I thought, "what the hell?
32
00:01:59,118 --> 00:02:03,188
Let's spend the night
at the ghetto home."
33
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,823
What's going on?
34
00:02:04,824 --> 00:02:07,125
We're having a welcome back
party for steve.
35
00:02:07,126 --> 00:02:11,662
So the bucket of death
wasn't really meant for me.
36
00:02:11,663 --> 00:02:14,966
Why aren't we having
the party at her house?
37
00:02:14,967 --> 00:02:16,601
Was it because
all steve's friends
38
00:02:16,602 --> 00:02:17,602
Couldn't fit in there?
39
00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:18,870
No, you see,
40
00:02:18,871 --> 00:02:21,472
When steve comes back
from these trips,
41
00:02:21,473 --> 00:02:23,074
He comes back...Ready.
42
00:02:23,075 --> 00:02:24,609
If we have the party
at our house,
43
00:02:24,610 --> 00:02:25,877
There's be such a mess,
44
00:02:25,878 --> 00:02:28,312
And steve has trouble
getting aroused
45
00:02:28,313 --> 00:02:30,915
If the house isn't clean.
46
00:02:30,916 --> 00:02:33,484
Hmm. Maybe if
I cleaned up,
47
00:02:33,485 --> 00:02:36,487
Al would get aroused.
48
00:02:36,488 --> 00:02:39,924
It's not worth
the gamble.
49
00:02:39,925 --> 00:02:42,393
Steve loves
his river-rafting trips.
50
00:02:42,394 --> 00:02:43,762
I went with him once.
51
00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:45,196
You can't imagine what it's like
52
00:02:45,197 --> 00:02:47,632
To ride something
so wild and uncontrolled.
53
00:02:52,571 --> 00:02:55,473
Yes, I can.
54
00:02:55,474 --> 00:02:56,941
[car approaches]
55
00:02:56,942 --> 00:02:58,042
That's him!
56
00:02:58,043 --> 00:03:01,545
Hurry!
Everybody hide!
57
00:03:01,546 --> 00:03:05,250
[doorbell rings]
58
00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:07,118
Get the door, al.
59
00:03:07,119 --> 00:03:09,720
I can't. I'm hiding.
60
00:03:15,427 --> 00:03:17,162
Surprise!
61
00:03:17,163 --> 00:03:22,133
Hey, this is great!
62
00:03:22,134 --> 00:03:23,734
Steve, I missed y--
63
00:03:23,735 --> 00:03:26,337
What's that
on your face?
64
00:03:26,338 --> 00:03:28,339
It's a beard.
Like it?
65
00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:30,909
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
66
00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:35,413
Oh, ho ho. The stories
I have to tell.
67
00:03:35,414 --> 00:03:36,815
The very first morning--
68
00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:41,485
Ha ha. Well, all's well
that ends well.
69
00:03:41,486 --> 00:03:43,922
Let's get some cake, huh?
70
00:03:43,923 --> 00:03:47,058
Aw, I don't know,
marce, uh...
71
00:03:47,059 --> 00:03:48,993
Kind of tired,
you know?
72
00:03:48,994 --> 00:03:52,831
Really tired.
73
00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:56,534
Bone...Weary?
74
00:03:56,535 --> 00:03:57,635
Oh.
75
00:03:57,636 --> 00:04:00,604
You know, steve,
I'm kind of pooped too.
76
00:04:00,605 --> 00:04:02,640
Why don't you go home
and shave.
77
00:04:02,641 --> 00:04:04,142
I'll put together
some little sandwiches,
78
00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:08,246
In case you want
to snack between...Naps.
79
00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:10,815
Actually, I was thinking
of keeping the beard.
80
00:04:10,816 --> 00:04:13,284
Oh, you can, steve.
After you shave,
81
00:04:13,285 --> 00:04:16,187
You can keep it
in a little box.
82
00:04:16,188 --> 00:04:18,689
No, I'm serious.
I like it.
83
00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:20,624
Oh, look, al.
They're going to fight.
84
00:04:20,625 --> 00:04:22,227
Yeah. Good.
85
00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:25,730
Hide the cold cuts where
the kids won't find them.
86
00:04:25,731 --> 00:04:28,632
Now, come on, steve.
Go on home and shave.
87
00:04:28,633 --> 00:04:31,002
No.
88
00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:35,073
No? No? I must have
misheard you, steve.
89
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:36,540
I thought you said "no."
90
00:04:36,541 --> 00:04:37,942
I also thought
all of our decisions
91
00:04:37,943 --> 00:04:40,411
Were going to be
joint decisions.
92
00:04:40,412 --> 00:04:41,913
A beard is a decision.
93
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:45,283
Fine. Next time you want
to grow a beard, do it.
94
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:49,020
Don't think I won't.
95
00:04:49,021 --> 00:04:51,055
The beard stays.
96
00:04:51,056 --> 00:04:53,858
It's gone.
I'll see to that.
97
00:04:53,859 --> 00:04:56,261
You have to sleep
sometime.
98
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:59,797
Try it, marcie.
I sleep like the owl.
99
00:04:59,798 --> 00:05:05,904
A beard, huh?
100
00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:07,738
It won't work, al.
101
00:05:07,739 --> 00:05:11,575
I don't look
at your face anyway.
102
00:05:16,681 --> 00:05:18,549
Everybody like their cake?
103
00:05:18,550 --> 00:05:20,251
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
104
00:05:20,252 --> 00:05:23,354
You know, mom,
I swear I smell cold cuts.
105
00:05:23,355 --> 00:05:24,688
Do we have some?
106
00:05:26,658 --> 00:05:32,596
We don't have any.
No. I wish.
107
00:05:32,597 --> 00:05:33,597
Hear steve
and marcie
108
00:05:33,598 --> 00:05:34,665
Fight last night,
kids?
109
00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:36,334
I'll tell you
this--
110
00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:37,701
When I get married,
111
00:05:37,702 --> 00:05:39,404
My wife's not going to
tell me when to shave.
112
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:44,508
No, she'll just
be going "baaaa."
113
00:05:44,509 --> 00:05:47,345
Sure. Everybody makes fun of me
114
00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:48,879
Because I'm the only virgin
in the house.
115
00:05:54,386 --> 00:05:56,487
Oops.
116
00:05:59,458 --> 00:06:01,192
He's lying, dad.
117
00:06:01,193 --> 00:06:04,895
Naaah.
118
00:06:04,896 --> 00:06:05,896
[doorbell rings]
119
00:06:05,897 --> 00:06:07,999
Damn.
120
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,500
Come on, now, kids.
121
00:06:09,501 --> 00:06:13,737
Is that the way we talk
at the breakfast table?
122
00:06:16,141 --> 00:06:19,143
Nope, sorry, tex.
No chores for you today.
123
00:06:19,144 --> 00:06:21,512
Maybe we'll have you
124
00:06:21,513 --> 00:06:24,148
Chop a little wood for us
tomorrow.
125
00:06:24,149 --> 00:06:25,516
Ha ha.
126
00:06:25,517 --> 00:06:28,086
I'm not really in the mood
for this, al.
127
00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:29,887
I just came over
to say I'm sorry
128
00:06:29,888 --> 00:06:32,290
If the noise kept you
awake last night.
129
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:33,291
Oh, don't worry.
130
00:06:33,292 --> 00:06:35,360
We didn't hear a word,
131
00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:36,861
Especially
when marcie said,
132
00:06:36,862 --> 00:06:38,963
"I don't care
how sad mr. Mike is.
133
00:06:38,964 --> 00:06:42,400
There's no room
at the inn."
134
00:06:43,735 --> 00:06:46,637
[doorbell rings]
135
00:06:46,638 --> 00:06:48,639
If it's that woman,
I'm not here.
136
00:06:50,242 --> 00:06:51,642
He's over there.
137
00:06:51,643 --> 00:06:54,412
Steven rhoades,
don't you dare think
138
00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,114
You can walk out
of this argument.
139
00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:57,115
What argument?
140
00:06:57,116 --> 00:06:58,916
Do you see
an argument?
141
00:06:58,917 --> 00:07:01,952
No! All I see
is an innkeeper
142
00:07:01,953 --> 00:07:04,022
Who doesn't
honor reservations.
143
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:05,523
Shave the beard!
144
00:07:05,524 --> 00:07:08,526
Okay, I'll just have to go
where my beard's appreciated,
145
00:07:08,527 --> 00:07:11,329
Somewhere where
looks aren't important...
146
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,830
Oh, no.
147
00:07:12,831 --> 00:07:14,965
With my friends,
the bundys.
148
00:07:14,966 --> 00:07:17,068
And I will remain here
149
00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:20,405
Until you accept this beard
and all it stands for.
150
00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:23,508
Fine. You can stay here
as long as you want.
151
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:27,745
How long will
that be, steve?
152
00:07:27,746 --> 00:07:30,614
Till hell freezes over,
if need be.
153
00:07:30,615 --> 00:07:33,451
She's got to learn
that a man's face...
154
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,319
Is a man's face.
155
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,555
You think I'm right,
don't you, peggy?
156
00:07:37,556 --> 00:07:40,858
I don't look at al's face.
157
00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:43,127
All right, steve.
158
00:07:43,128 --> 00:07:44,862
If you want to play out
this macho charade,
159
00:07:44,863 --> 00:07:46,064
Go ahead.
160
00:07:46,065 --> 00:07:48,566
You can come home
when your face is back
161
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:52,603
To the baby's behind
I fell in love with.
162
00:07:55,006 --> 00:07:56,774
Where do I sleep?
163
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:03,948
[whistles]
164
00:08:03,949 --> 00:08:06,984
Hi, hon.
165
00:08:06,985 --> 00:08:10,054
Ahh, what a day.
166
00:08:10,055 --> 00:08:13,124
Get me a beer, will you?
167
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,060
You know, every broad
that came in the store today
168
00:08:16,061 --> 00:08:18,062
Was complaining their husbands
169
00:08:18,063 --> 00:08:19,397
Don't pay enough attention
to them.
170
00:08:20,799 --> 00:08:25,236
You smell
good today, peg.
171
00:08:25,237 --> 00:08:28,239
Not tonight, dear.
I have a headache.
172
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,374
Steve, what the hell
are you doing here?
173
00:08:30,375 --> 00:08:31,976
I live here.
174
00:08:31,977 --> 00:08:33,411
But I want you to know, al,
175
00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:35,613
I am not going
to be a bother to you,
176
00:08:35,614 --> 00:08:38,549
So if I do anything
that gets on your nerves,
177
00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:40,918
Don't hesitate
to tell me.
178
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:42,520
Don't put your feet
on the coffee table.
179
00:08:42,521 --> 00:08:45,490
I just cleaned that.
180
00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:47,492
And don't scrunch up
the pillows.
181
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:48,993
I have to sleep there.
182
00:08:48,994 --> 00:08:50,595
Oh, and if you're
going to watch tv,
183
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,597
Remember, I go to bed
at 10:30 sharp.
184
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,599
10:30? That's when
peggy goes to sleep.
185
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,869
That means I have
to go up with her.
186
00:08:58,870 --> 00:09:00,605
Well, I hate
to punish peggy,
187
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:02,173
But I need my sleep.
188
00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:03,674
Well, how about this, steve?
189
00:09:03,675 --> 00:09:09,580
Shave that bird's nest
and get the hell out!
190
00:09:09,581 --> 00:09:11,449
What...
What's that smell?
191
00:09:13,785 --> 00:09:15,819
It's food, al.
192
00:09:15,820 --> 00:09:18,689
Well, how'd you get the stove
to work?
193
00:09:18,690 --> 00:09:21,559
Peg said it's been
broken for months.
194
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:22,726
Nah, I checked it out.
195
00:09:22,727 --> 00:09:26,030
Somebody just
cut the cord.
196
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:33,604
Hey! Mr. Rhoades
is making food!
197
00:09:33,605 --> 00:09:35,105
Yeah, and look!
198
00:09:35,106 --> 00:09:37,308
He's using
the bottom thing!
199
00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:38,976
It's called an oven.
200
00:09:38,977 --> 00:09:40,778
Wow...
201
00:09:43,848 --> 00:09:47,851
You know, kids, we've
eaten before, but...
202
00:09:47,852 --> 00:09:51,656
We've never
really eaten.
203
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:54,024
Kids, thank your mother
for that terrific meal.
204
00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:56,460
Thank you, mr. Rhoades.
205
00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:02,200
I set out the napkins.
206
00:10:06,471 --> 00:10:10,007
Mr. Rhoades, do you know
anything about algebra?
207
00:10:10,008 --> 00:10:11,509
Well...
208
00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:13,211
I have been known
to juggle a few numbers
209
00:10:13,212 --> 00:10:14,412
Down at the bank.
210
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:16,880
I thought I was going to
help you with your homework.
211
00:10:16,881 --> 00:10:21,652
Why not pass if you can?
212
00:10:21,653 --> 00:10:23,487
What a show-off.
213
00:10:23,488 --> 00:10:27,592
All four burners
going at once.
214
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:29,059
Well, I saw, al.
215
00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:30,561
He only used three...
216
00:10:30,562 --> 00:10:32,062
And that bottom thing.
217
00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:34,965
Just wait till our
electric bill comes in.
218
00:10:34,966 --> 00:10:36,701
It's gas, peg.
219
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:39,503
Oh...Who cares?
220
00:10:39,504 --> 00:10:42,005
The point is I think
we have made a big mistake
221
00:10:42,006 --> 00:10:43,741
By letting steve stay here.
222
00:10:43,742 --> 00:10:45,075
Kids: Ha ha ha!
223
00:10:45,076 --> 00:10:47,245
And I don't think
it's good
224
00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:50,180
For the children,
either.
225
00:10:50,181 --> 00:10:51,282
I'm going upstairs
226
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:54,552
And putting a stop to
this nonsense right now.
227
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:59,390
You'll get rid of him
in the morning, won't you, al?
228
00:10:59,391 --> 00:11:00,958
Sure.
229
00:11:00,959 --> 00:11:03,461
[doorbell rings]
230
00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:14,138
Hi. Is steve here?
231
00:11:14,139 --> 00:11:17,174
I thought maybe we could...
Talk?
232
00:11:18,877 --> 00:11:20,043
No!
233
00:11:34,493 --> 00:11:37,395
Good morning, steve!
234
00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:40,531
Hey, peg.
235
00:11:40,532 --> 00:11:42,032
Steve, you look great.
236
00:11:42,033 --> 00:11:44,034
I especially
like that beard.
237
00:11:44,035 --> 00:11:45,936
Hey, let's go out tonight,
buddy.
238
00:11:45,937 --> 00:11:47,471
Bowling, a movie?
239
00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:49,407
Hey, let's go shopping.
I'll buy you something.
240
00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:52,476
Thanks, al, but I won't
be home tonight.
241
00:11:52,477 --> 00:11:53,977
What's the matter, buddy?
You upset about something?
242
00:11:53,978 --> 00:11:55,479
Is it peggy?
Did she say something?
243
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,580
Because let me know.
244
00:11:56,581 --> 00:11:58,916
If she did, she'll be
out of here by night!
245
00:12:01,119 --> 00:12:03,153
Nope, al,
it's not peggy.
246
00:12:03,154 --> 00:12:05,155
I've got to go to a
banker's banquet tonight.
247
00:12:05,156 --> 00:12:07,792
Marcie and I both
have to be there.
248
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:12,262
But you're not going to...
Talk to her, are you?
249
00:12:12,263 --> 00:12:14,632
No, no, but we agreed
to go together
250
00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,033
For appearances' sake.
251
00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:19,937
This banquet's important
to both our careers.
252
00:12:19,938 --> 00:12:21,071
It would be really
uncomfortable
253
00:12:21,072 --> 00:12:22,239
For me to be there
with her.
254
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:23,641
I mean, I haven't
seen her for five days.
255
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:26,076
I haven't touched her,
smelled her,
256
00:12:26,077 --> 00:12:28,379
I haven't buried my face
in her--
257
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:31,215
Steve!
258
00:12:31,216 --> 00:12:32,817
Remember
what's important here.
259
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:37,555
You have a beard and
a family to take care of.
260
00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:41,291
Al, I'm horny!
261
00:12:41,292 --> 00:12:42,793
I'm thinking
of shaving.
262
00:12:42,794 --> 00:12:43,927
Yes!
263
00:12:43,928 --> 00:12:44,995
No!
264
00:12:44,996 --> 00:12:46,497
Al, calm down.
265
00:12:46,498 --> 00:12:49,367
Can we go someplace
private to talk?
266
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:50,568
Sure, buddy.
267
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,803
Peg, get out of here!
268
00:12:52,804 --> 00:12:54,739
Fine.
269
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:55,973
I think I'll go upstairs
270
00:12:55,974 --> 00:12:57,608
And look through
the photo album.
271
00:12:57,609 --> 00:13:01,044
You know, I think I have
a picture of marcie...
272
00:13:01,045 --> 00:13:03,280
Last summer,
washing the car...
273
00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:06,617
You know, when she
got her t-shirt wet,
274
00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:11,054
And you said something about...
Taking her for a little spin,
275
00:13:11,055 --> 00:13:14,057
But you didn't use the car?
276
00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:18,295
You know. That picture?
277
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,098
I'm shaving, al.
278
00:13:21,099 --> 00:13:24,167
I've never seen
a t-shirt that wet.
279
00:13:24,168 --> 00:13:27,004
Sit down, steve.
280
00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:29,473
I can't, al.
281
00:13:35,346 --> 00:13:37,615
Steve, I'm going to
tell you a little something
282
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:39,349
I learned about life.
283
00:13:39,350 --> 00:13:42,286
Oh, good, at the feet
of the master again.
284
00:13:42,287 --> 00:13:43,721
The way I see it,
285
00:13:43,722 --> 00:13:47,157
Nature played
a cruel trick on us.
286
00:13:47,158 --> 00:13:50,193
Well, it did move us
next door to each other.
287
00:13:50,194 --> 00:13:51,194
All right, two tricks,
288
00:13:51,195 --> 00:13:53,130
But I'm talking
about the one
289
00:13:53,131 --> 00:13:55,999
That keeps us men
from ruling the earth.
290
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,437
See, nature gave men the urge
and women the answer.
291
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:02,440
Sure, it's not much,
but it's all they need.
292
00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:04,875
Gee, I wish nature
gave us everything,
293
00:14:04,876 --> 00:14:06,376
Like the worm...
294
00:14:06,377 --> 00:14:09,046
Or like that guy who works
down at the antique store,
295
00:14:09,047 --> 00:14:15,052
But...Nobody asked me,
and now it's too late.
296
00:14:15,053 --> 00:14:19,590
God, that was
a wet t-shirt.
297
00:14:19,591 --> 00:14:23,360
Steve, think dry here
for a minute, will you?
298
00:14:23,361 --> 00:14:25,195
See, the problem is...
299
00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:28,031
Women know
we have these urges,
300
00:14:28,032 --> 00:14:31,034
But they have
the same urges we do.
301
00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:33,537
They just don't
show it because...
302
00:14:33,538 --> 00:14:36,707
Well, that's how
spiteful they are.
303
00:14:36,708 --> 00:14:38,709
But, steve, they need us
304
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:41,712
Just as much
as we need them.
305
00:14:41,713 --> 00:14:45,483
Why? Because we
can do the job,
306
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:48,486
And you can't
take a battery home
307
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,488
To meet your mother.
308
00:14:53,625 --> 00:14:56,159
There.
I've said my piece.
309
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,697
Now, what are you going
to do about it, buddy?
310
00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:02,666
I'm going to shave
and rock the house.
311
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:04,134
The beard itches, al.
312
00:15:04,135 --> 00:15:07,137
I'm sick of it,
and I look stupid.
313
00:15:07,138 --> 00:15:09,507
Well, I know you do,
steve,
314
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:11,509
But at least you've
got your pride.
315
00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,511
Oh, a guy like you
316
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:17,347
Can get sex
anytime he wants to,
317
00:15:17,348 --> 00:15:21,351
But it's pride that
keeps our pants up, steve.
318
00:15:21,352 --> 00:15:22,853
Just say "no."
319
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:27,357
You know something, al?
You're right.
320
00:15:27,358 --> 00:15:29,860
Evolution may
have passed you by,
321
00:15:29,861 --> 00:15:31,361
But you're right.
322
00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:32,763
I know I am.
323
00:15:32,764 --> 00:15:33,931
I'm making a point
here.
324
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:34,932
I'm fighting
the good fight.
325
00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:36,099
You're right, steve.
326
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:39,036
Steve, when you get back
from this banker thing,
327
00:15:39,037 --> 00:15:40,203
I'll still be up.
328
00:15:40,204 --> 00:15:41,271
Do you suppose
329
00:15:41,272 --> 00:15:42,406
You could make those
little brown potatoes?
330
00:15:42,407 --> 00:15:44,675
I love those.
331
00:15:49,814 --> 00:15:53,216
I waited till they left.
What's the big news?
332
00:15:53,217 --> 00:15:54,752
Steve is horny.
333
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:56,687
I can tell.
334
00:15:56,688 --> 00:15:58,188
Your house is clean.
335
00:15:58,189 --> 00:16:01,158
Is he ready
to shave the beard?
336
00:16:01,159 --> 00:16:02,426
Almost, but of course,
337
00:16:02,427 --> 00:16:04,461
We have
the usual obstacle.
338
00:16:04,462 --> 00:16:06,931
What's al doing?
339
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:09,833
Making steve hold out
until you give in.
340
00:16:09,834 --> 00:16:11,368
Ha ha ha.
341
00:16:11,369 --> 00:16:14,204
It will be
a cold day in--
342
00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:16,874
Oh, god, I need him.
343
00:16:16,875 --> 00:16:19,710
Calm down,
marcie.
344
00:16:19,711 --> 00:16:26,383
Ohh, this is one
of steve's socks.
345
00:16:26,384 --> 00:16:31,455
Yes, but al's
been wearing it.
346
00:16:33,925 --> 00:16:35,693
Oh, peggy, what am I
going to do?
347
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:38,028
I don't know how much longer
I can hold out...
348
00:16:38,029 --> 00:16:40,497
But I will not give up
my principles
349
00:16:40,498 --> 00:16:42,165
For an hour and a half
of pleasure.
350
00:16:42,166 --> 00:16:47,237
Look, you don't have
to give up any--
351
00:16:47,238 --> 00:16:50,741
An hour and a half?
352
00:16:50,742 --> 00:16:53,744
If you add up
all the sex
353
00:16:53,745 --> 00:16:56,246
Al and I
have ever had,
354
00:16:56,247 --> 00:17:00,150
It still doesn't come to
an hour and a half--
355
00:17:00,151 --> 00:17:02,419
At least
not of pleasure.
356
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:04,922
Oh, well. Look, you can
keep your principles
357
00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:06,590
And still have steve.
358
00:17:06,591 --> 00:17:09,660
Marcie, I only
want your happiness,
359
00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:11,762
Preferably
at your own house,
360
00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:13,263
Because, you see,
361
00:17:13,264 --> 00:17:16,266
Now I have healthy kids,
a happy husband,
362
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:19,269
And it has just
got to stop.
363
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:20,604
So why don't you
do this?
364
00:17:20,605 --> 00:17:23,273
Tonight, when you pick up
steve for this banker thing,
365
00:17:23,274 --> 00:17:25,109
Why don't you wear
the sleaziest,
366
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:28,278
Sexiest, sluttiest
outfit you can find?
367
00:17:28,279 --> 00:17:29,813
I'll loan you
something.
368
00:17:31,449 --> 00:17:32,950
I couldn't do that.
369
00:17:32,951 --> 00:17:35,452
Our relationship
isn't based on that.
370
00:17:35,453 --> 00:17:36,787
Oh, please.
371
00:17:36,788 --> 00:17:38,789
Then what does it mean
372
00:17:38,790 --> 00:17:41,792
When you're screaming, "oh,
god! Oh, god! Oh, god!"
373
00:17:41,793 --> 00:17:43,460
Yet you never
go to church?
374
00:17:46,064 --> 00:17:48,065
Marcie, let me
tell you
375
00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:50,067
A little
something about men.
376
00:17:50,068 --> 00:17:53,070
You see, nature played
a very cruel joke on them.
377
00:17:53,071 --> 00:17:56,073
It gave them
a source of pleasure,
378
00:17:56,074 --> 00:17:57,607
But in order
for it to work,
379
00:17:57,608 --> 00:18:01,845
The blood has
to leave the brain,
380
00:18:01,846 --> 00:18:05,015
And, you see, it
leaves them confused...
381
00:18:05,016 --> 00:18:06,083
Disoriented...
382
00:18:06,084 --> 00:18:09,619
And eager to enter
into negotiations,
383
00:18:09,620 --> 00:18:14,725
Because the brain
wants that blood back.
384
00:18:14,726 --> 00:18:17,094
You see, it needs it
to go to work
385
00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:18,562
To pay for
all those things
386
00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:22,099
It agreed to
only moments before.
387
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:23,767
You see,
marcie,
388
00:18:23,768 --> 00:18:26,269
We may not have
upper-body strength,
389
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:28,772
But we do have
sexual kryptonite.
390
00:18:28,773 --> 00:18:32,275
Use it, marcie. Have him
shave that beard.
391
00:18:32,276 --> 00:18:34,778
Aw, hell. Have him
shave his head--
392
00:18:34,779 --> 00:18:36,180
For me.
393
00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:39,282
No. I will not
stoop as low
394
00:18:39,283 --> 00:18:42,285
As to use sexual bartering
in our marriage.
395
00:18:42,286 --> 00:18:44,121
I'll appeal
to his intellect.
396
00:18:44,122 --> 00:18:45,956
We'll have
a rational discussion,
397
00:18:45,957 --> 00:18:47,457
And he'll shave
398
00:18:47,458 --> 00:18:49,526
Because he'll see
I'm right.
399
00:18:49,527 --> 00:18:51,361
Do you have
any batteries?
400
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,968
I hate this beard!
401
00:18:57,969 --> 00:19:02,505
Just say "no."
402
00:19:03,574 --> 00:19:06,076
I don't think I can, al.
403
00:19:06,077 --> 00:19:09,079
Marcie's going to be here soon.
404
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,850
I was looking up dresses
at work today, al.
405
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:16,286
Perfectly natural.
406
00:19:16,287 --> 00:19:19,923
It's natural in your business.
You're a shoe salesman.
407
00:19:19,924 --> 00:19:21,725
A bank manager has to put
the security cameras
408
00:19:21,726 --> 00:19:22,960
On the floor to do that.
409
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:26,429
I did that today, al.
410
00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:28,232
I'm going to cave.
I just know it.
411
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,768
I know you are, too, steve.
412
00:19:30,769 --> 00:19:33,703
That's why
I have a gift for you...
413
00:19:33,704 --> 00:19:37,374
A very special gift.
414
00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:39,877
I didn't want to do this
415
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:41,879
Until it was
absolutely necessary,
416
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,413
But, uh, sit down.
417
00:19:43,414 --> 00:19:47,818
Clear your mind...
418
00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:50,988
Think of marcie...
419
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:52,990
And take a look at...
420
00:19:52,991 --> 00:19:54,825
My mother-in-law!
421
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:58,461
Aah!
422
00:20:06,737 --> 00:20:10,507
Everybody says that.
423
00:20:10,508 --> 00:20:12,009
Yep. Look at her,
424
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:15,179
Bending over
at the beach.
425
00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:18,682
Summer of '71.
426
00:20:18,683 --> 00:20:21,218
Notice
the perspiration
427
00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:24,487
Percolating in the folds
of her flesh.
428
00:20:26,691 --> 00:20:32,196
You may wonder why her
upper arms are blurry.
429
00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:34,497
There was a breeze...
430
00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:39,837
And we caught them
in midflap.
431
00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:49,612
Thanks, al.
I'm okay now.
432
00:20:49,613 --> 00:20:50,981
Steve, take it,
433
00:20:50,982 --> 00:20:53,650
And if you should get
the urge at this banquet,
434
00:20:53,651 --> 00:20:54,718
Take at look at it.
435
00:20:54,719 --> 00:20:57,520
It's also good
for dieting.
436
00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:06,230
Marcie.
437
00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:08,232
Steve.
438
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:10,633
Your hair. You changed it.
439
00:21:10,634 --> 00:21:13,570
Yes. Like it?
440
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:19,843
Not really.
441
00:21:19,844 --> 00:21:21,378
Are we ready?
442
00:21:21,379 --> 00:21:23,680
All right, steve.
443
00:21:23,681 --> 00:21:26,283
But first,
I have something to say.
444
00:21:26,284 --> 00:21:30,687
With regards to your beard,
though it is your face,
445
00:21:30,688 --> 00:21:32,722
It has affected both of us.
446
00:21:32,723 --> 00:21:35,192
It does not enhance
your business persona,
447
00:21:35,193 --> 00:21:37,194
And it makes me
terribly unhappy,
448
00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:38,295
So I appeal to your
intelligence,
449
00:21:38,296 --> 00:21:40,197
Sensitivity, and good judgment
450
00:21:40,198 --> 00:21:43,133
By asking you to please
shave the beard.
451
00:21:43,134 --> 00:21:45,369
No.
452
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,971
In that case...
453
00:21:53,811 --> 00:21:55,678
[buzz]
454
00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:12,396
Peg, you know those
little brown potatoes
455
00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:14,064
That steve makes?
456
00:22:14,065 --> 00:22:16,900
Can you do that?
457
00:22:16,901 --> 00:22:19,403
Al, you know
about making love
458
00:22:19,404 --> 00:22:22,906
For an hour and a half
like steve does?
459
00:22:22,907 --> 00:22:28,312
Can you do that?
460
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:30,347
Burger king?
461
00:22:30,348 --> 00:22:32,115
Yeah.
462
00:22:43,561 --> 00:22:46,796
[♪]
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