Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:18,083
♪ love and marriage ♪
2
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:21,385
♪ love and marriage ♪
3
00:00:21,386 --> 00:00:24,756
♪ go together like
a horse and carriage ♪
4
00:00:24,757 --> 00:00:28,927
♪ this I tell ya, brother ♪
5
00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:30,829
♪ you can't have one ♪
6
00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,364
♪ without the other ♪
7
00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:35,466
♪ love and marriage ♪
8
00:00:35,467 --> 00:00:38,770
♪ love and marriage ♪
9
00:00:38,771 --> 00:00:42,807
♪ it's an institute
you can't disparage ♪
10
00:00:42,808 --> 00:00:46,544
♪ ask the local gentry ♪
11
00:00:46,545 --> 00:00:51,249
♪ and they will say
it's elementary ♪
12
00:00:51,250 --> 00:00:56,287
♪ try, try, try
to separate them ♪
13
00:00:56,288 --> 00:00:59,557
♪ it's an illusion ♪
14
00:00:59,558 --> 00:01:02,260
♪ try, try, try ♪
15
00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:08,066
♪ and you will only come
to this conclusion ♪
16
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,468
♪ love and marriage ♪
17
00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:21,579
Monday, 3:00,
people's court.
18
00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:27,018
3:30... Wheel of fortune.
19
00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:30,321
4:00...
20
00:01:30,322 --> 00:01:32,490
My time.
21
00:01:33,859 --> 00:01:35,593
Hi, mom. Where's dad?
22
00:01:35,594 --> 00:01:37,162
He went to get a haircut.
23
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:39,030
He didn't need a haircut.
24
00:01:39,031 --> 00:01:41,432
I know, but that's
where he and his friends
25
00:01:41,433 --> 00:01:43,668
Like to sit around
and talk about
26
00:01:43,669 --> 00:01:46,805
All they could have been
in life,
27
00:01:46,806 --> 00:01:48,707
So it shouldn't be long. Why?
28
00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:52,711
He promised to give me
another driving lesson today...
29
00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,714
Unless you'd like
to do it. Please?
30
00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:57,682
Well, what's wrong
with your father?
31
00:01:57,683 --> 00:02:00,719
He won't let me
adjust the seat,
32
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,722
He keeps his foot
poised over the brake,
33
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:05,323
And he yells,
"red light!
34
00:02:05,324 --> 00:02:06,725
Stop! Stop! Stop!"
35
00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:09,227
When it's still
three blocks away.
36
00:02:09,228 --> 00:02:12,230
I just know my roots
are coming in gray.
37
00:02:12,231 --> 00:02:15,233
And you know what the most
irritating thing at all is?
38
00:02:15,234 --> 00:02:18,469
The way he spits
out the window.
39
00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:21,239
No, it's instead of
listening to real music,
40
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,908
He cranks up
the oldies station.
41
00:02:23,909 --> 00:02:25,610
Well, don't worry
about it, honey.
42
00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:26,911
Tomorrow, you'll pass
your driving test
43
00:02:26,912 --> 00:02:29,413
And have
your very own license.
44
00:02:29,414 --> 00:02:34,152
Radio:
♪ rollin', rollin' ♪
45
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:35,754
♪ rollin' on the river-- ♪
46
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:37,688
Well, daddy's home.
47
00:02:37,689 --> 00:02:42,193
I'll go get my jacket
and my earplugs.
48
00:02:42,194 --> 00:02:44,695
Peg, sell the house!
49
00:02:44,696 --> 00:02:45,930
Why, al?
50
00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:49,267
Did you see a shirt
somewhere you'd like?
51
00:02:50,702 --> 00:02:55,006
Yes. It said,
"congratulate me. Wife's dead."
52
00:02:57,209 --> 00:03:00,211
Down in the barbershop,
I got a tip on a horse.
53
00:03:00,212 --> 00:03:03,347
It's fate, peg.
His name is "dr. Footwear."
54
00:03:06,385 --> 00:03:09,553
Get it? "dr. Footwear."
55
00:03:09,554 --> 00:03:10,922
I sell shoes.
56
00:03:13,225 --> 00:03:16,227
Anyhow, he's running
this Sunday at arlington.
57
00:03:16,228 --> 00:03:18,229
The great part is...
58
00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:20,498
He's never won a race!
59
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,335
Al, does this story
have a point, or does it just
60
00:03:24,336 --> 00:03:27,471
Sort of go on endlessly,
like our marriage?
61
00:03:29,508 --> 00:03:30,975
Gee, peg,
when you act like this,
62
00:03:30,976 --> 00:03:32,877
I just want to throw you
on the floor
63
00:03:32,878 --> 00:03:34,578
And make love to you.
64
00:03:34,579 --> 00:03:37,481
Either that
or just throw you on the floor.
65
00:03:39,584 --> 00:03:40,785
Let's get back
to the horse.
66
00:03:40,786 --> 00:03:42,620
They're holding him back
to run up the odds,
67
00:03:42,621 --> 00:03:43,688
Which, this Sunday,
68
00:03:43,689 --> 00:03:45,690
Will be a minimum
of 20 to 1.
69
00:03:45,691 --> 00:03:48,592
This is our chance
to really make it big.
70
00:03:48,593 --> 00:03:49,828
I've got to get
betting money.
71
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:52,463
Is there anything that we have
we don't use anymore
72
00:03:52,464 --> 00:03:53,664
That we can sell?
73
00:03:53,665 --> 00:03:55,599
Yes, but who'd want
to buy your toothbrush?
74
00:03:58,003 --> 00:03:59,503
You're such
a big help, peg.
75
00:03:59,504 --> 00:04:00,504
It's like that old saying,
76
00:04:00,505 --> 00:04:02,040
"behind every empty
shell of a man
77
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,674
Is one of your relatives."
78
00:04:03,675 --> 00:04:05,676
Ready to take me
driving, daddy?
79
00:04:05,677 --> 00:04:08,179
What's the big rush
about getting a license?
80
00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:09,647
I mean, do you think
81
00:04:09,648 --> 00:04:11,182
That driving a car
is glamorous?
82
00:04:11,183 --> 00:04:13,684
Well, it's not as glamorous
like hitching with pervos,
83
00:04:13,685 --> 00:04:15,854
But I still want to drive.
84
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:17,222
Well, what about the bus?
85
00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:19,224
Yeah, that's great, dad,
crammed together with
86
00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:22,393
A bunch of sweaty strangers
who don't speak any english
87
00:04:22,394 --> 00:04:27,698
Except for, "hey, blondie,
look at this."
88
00:04:27,699 --> 00:04:30,701
Daddy just doesn't want
to pay the insurance, dear.
89
00:04:30,702 --> 00:04:32,603
Oh, no,
that's my pleasure, peg,
90
00:04:32,604 --> 00:04:34,505
Even though my rates
will skyrocket
91
00:04:34,506 --> 00:04:37,008
Because you're underage,
and I'm paying a special rate
92
00:04:37,009 --> 00:04:39,944
For the bumper car queen
over here.
93
00:04:39,945 --> 00:04:43,614
Well, I know why you don't
want me to drive,
94
00:04:43,615 --> 00:04:45,516
And it's not
the insurance.
95
00:04:45,517 --> 00:04:47,218
Your little girl
is growing up,
96
00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:49,153
And you can't bear
to let her go, huh?
97
00:04:52,624 --> 00:04:56,494
No, it's the insurance.
98
00:04:56,495 --> 00:04:58,496
Take her out, al.
99
00:04:58,497 --> 00:05:00,498
Yeah, take her out,
100
00:05:00,499 --> 00:05:03,001
Buy her clothes.
She needs books.
101
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,869
Get her some medicine.
102
00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:06,737
When will it all end?
103
00:05:06,738 --> 00:05:09,007
Sure, sure,
I get one day off a week,
104
00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:13,011
And what do I wind up doing?
Spending it with my family.
105
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:13,945
Oh, god!
106
00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:17,181
Saturday, 11:00 p.M.,
107
00:05:17,182 --> 00:05:19,683
Make love.
108
00:05:19,684 --> 00:05:22,486
11:05...
109
00:05:22,487 --> 00:05:26,490
Al goes to sleep.
110
00:05:26,491 --> 00:05:31,462
11:06, finish making love.
111
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:38,702
Hi, mom. If anything
should happen to me,
112
00:05:38,703 --> 00:05:39,938
Don't believe that
113
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:42,206
I jumped in front
of kelly's car.
114
00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:44,409
She's been telling me
when she gets her license,
115
00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:45,709
I'm car meat.
116
00:05:45,710 --> 00:05:47,711
Oh, bud, she's just
teasing you.
117
00:05:47,712 --> 00:05:49,314
The last time
she teased me like that,
118
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,983
I woke up bald.
119
00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:53,884
Well, yeah,
120
00:05:53,885 --> 00:05:57,488
But then you got to be kojak
for Halloween.
121
00:05:57,489 --> 00:06:00,491
Kelly's the worst driver
in the world.
122
00:06:00,492 --> 00:06:02,660
Daddy got a ticket.
123
00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:04,162
Hi, kelly.
124
00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:05,029
Hi... Car meat.
125
00:06:06,665 --> 00:06:08,166
Mom...
126
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:11,469
Go out and play, bud.
127
00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:13,438
Watch out for cars.
128
00:06:16,675 --> 00:06:18,676
I can't believe this.
129
00:06:18,677 --> 00:06:20,678
"let's have kids."
130
00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,680
Now I get a ticket.
131
00:06:22,681 --> 00:06:25,483
Driving with
your shoes off, al?
132
00:06:25,484 --> 00:06:28,353
No. We were stopped
for a busted tail-light,
133
00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:30,021
And then dad got another ticket
134
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:32,223
Because his license
expired last month.
135
00:06:32,224 --> 00:06:35,994
Oh, al, that means
it was your birthday last month.
136
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,862
Happy birthday, honey.
137
00:06:40,432 --> 00:06:42,933
You know what
this means, mom,
138
00:06:42,934 --> 00:06:44,635
Is that dad has to take
139
00:06:44,636 --> 00:06:45,936
His driving test
with me tomorrow.
140
00:06:45,937 --> 00:06:48,973
Oh, daddy's growing up
so fast.
141
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:50,508
Oh, get away from me.
142
00:06:50,509 --> 00:06:52,110
That's just what
I want to do tomorrow,
143
00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:54,445
Spend the day at the dmv,
eight hours in line,
144
00:06:54,446 --> 00:06:57,382
With a bunch of foreigners
who smell like vegetables.
145
00:06:57,383 --> 00:07:00,385
Naturally, I'll be
in the wrong line.
146
00:07:00,386 --> 00:07:03,154
My line will be the one
147
00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:05,656
Where they're barbecuing
the chihuahua.
148
00:07:05,657 --> 00:07:08,926
Mom, kelly parked
on my skateboard.
149
00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:10,661
Oh, did I?
150
00:07:10,662 --> 00:07:13,164
Good thing
you weren't on it, huh?
151
00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:15,366
I'm going to go study.
152
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:17,502
Can I quiz you, kel?
153
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:18,536
Sure.
154
00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:20,505
Where were you
last night?
155
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:24,342
Ha ha ha! Car meat.
156
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:25,910
What a day off, huh?
157
00:07:25,911 --> 00:07:28,913
Next, steve and marcie
will come over.
158
00:07:28,914 --> 00:07:30,781
[doorbell rings]
159
00:07:34,686 --> 00:07:35,686
Guess who!
160
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:37,155
I give up.
161
00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:40,158
Al, did you know
your car has a busted taillight?
162
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:43,594
And this is my family.
It's a great life, huh?
163
00:07:43,595 --> 00:07:45,096
They could pull you over
164
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,597
And give you
a ticket for that.
165
00:07:46,598 --> 00:07:49,100
I think they just
give you a warning...
166
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,469
Unless they really
hate you.
167
00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:53,237
Get rid of them.
168
00:07:53,238 --> 00:07:54,738
Would you like
some coffee?
169
00:07:54,739 --> 00:07:56,740
Well, actually,
we can't stay long.
170
00:07:56,741 --> 00:07:58,476
Steve and I are going
to the nursery
171
00:07:58,477 --> 00:07:59,743
To pick up some petunia flats.
172
00:07:59,744 --> 00:08:01,245
Real cool, steve.
173
00:08:01,246 --> 00:08:03,181
Well, it's not
the john wayne movie
174
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:04,748
Your life is,
175
00:08:04,749 --> 00:08:06,250
But then again,
what is?
176
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:09,253
Anyhow, your car
is blocking our driveway.
177
00:08:09,254 --> 00:08:11,089
I could probably
get around it,
178
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,490
But I figure, why should I?
179
00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:13,891
Good parking makes
good neighbors, right, al?
180
00:08:13,892 --> 00:08:16,461
You're not really
going to make me move my car
181
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:18,362
For five feet, are you?
182
00:08:18,363 --> 00:08:22,666
Two feet, three inches, al.
183
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:25,503
Gee, al, that's about
how far your underwear lands
184
00:08:25,504 --> 00:08:27,538
From the hamper.
185
00:08:27,539 --> 00:08:29,006
Well, you say "I do,"
186
00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:31,809
But you don't really
know what it means.
187
00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:33,811
What are you guys doing?
188
00:08:33,812 --> 00:08:35,813
Studying for
my driving test.
189
00:08:35,814 --> 00:08:37,815
Okay, kel,
here's another one.
190
00:08:37,816 --> 00:08:39,817
You're walking
down the street,
191
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:42,320
An old man
with a dollar
192
00:08:42,321 --> 00:08:44,322
Pulls up beside you.
193
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:47,325
You a) ignore him
and keep walking,
194
00:08:47,326 --> 00:08:49,727
B) call the police,
195
00:08:49,728 --> 00:08:54,432
Or c) do what
you usually do?
196
00:08:57,836 --> 00:08:59,837
Mom, can we get bud
197
00:08:59,838 --> 00:09:01,839
One of those
reflective collars?
198
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,343
Like tiny little
bull's eyes in the night.
199
00:09:07,712 --> 00:09:11,115
So, you're finally getting
your license, huh?
200
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,050
You're going
to love it, kelly.
201
00:09:13,051 --> 00:09:15,019
Driving gives you
real independence.
202
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:17,388
Yeah, I know
what you mean.
203
00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:20,024
You know, I was really
getting sick of
204
00:09:20,025 --> 00:09:21,659
That put-out- or-get-out stuff
you know?
205
00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:25,863
Yes, that too.
206
00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:27,865
But you know,
207
00:09:27,866 --> 00:09:30,368
A woman doesn't know
true equality
208
00:09:30,369 --> 00:09:31,902
Till she has the freedom
209
00:09:31,903 --> 00:09:33,871
To come and go
as she pleases.
210
00:09:33,872 --> 00:09:35,105
And don't forget
211
00:09:35,106 --> 00:09:36,874
To flirt with
your driving instructor.
212
00:09:36,875 --> 00:09:38,876
Then if he makes
any advances,
213
00:09:38,877 --> 00:09:41,879
You can sue him
for sex discrimination.
214
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,714
How I envy you!
215
00:09:43,715 --> 00:09:45,383
Hey, steve?
216
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:48,386
You know that
two feet, three inches?
217
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:51,889
Well, it was just big enough
that a cop spotted me
218
00:09:51,890 --> 00:09:55,393
And gave me another ticket
for a broken tail-light.
219
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:57,395
Well, I warned you, al.
220
00:09:57,396 --> 00:09:58,762
You know, me and you
221
00:09:58,763 --> 00:10:01,332
Just have to
go hunting one day.
222
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:05,069
Yeah. I'll get you
a pair of antlers to wear.
223
00:10:05,070 --> 00:10:07,572
I thought we were going, al.
224
00:10:07,573 --> 00:10:10,974
We'll make a day of it.
225
00:10:10,975 --> 00:10:14,212
Dad, are you sure you don't want
to study for your driving test?
226
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,713
Driving test?
227
00:10:15,714 --> 00:10:17,114
Al got stopped earlier.
228
00:10:17,115 --> 00:10:18,716
He'd let
his license expire,
229
00:10:18,717 --> 00:10:21,652
So now he has to take
the test over again.
230
00:10:21,653 --> 00:10:25,223
And we know
how well al did in school.
231
00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:27,958
He's a shoe salesman, you know?
232
00:10:27,959 --> 00:10:30,294
I know what you're
thinking, steve,
233
00:10:30,295 --> 00:10:32,463
But you can't have her,
she's mine.
234
00:10:33,932 --> 00:10:37,235
Till deer season.
235
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:38,736
Ooh.
236
00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:40,671
These tests are brutal.
237
00:10:40,672 --> 00:10:42,740
Ohh, here's one they'll never
get me on again.
238
00:10:42,741 --> 00:10:45,743
How many feet in advance
do you have to signal
239
00:10:45,744 --> 00:10:47,678
Before making a turn
240
00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:48,879
In a business
or residential area?
241
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,047
Who cares?
242
00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:51,949
A cop in a business
or residential area.
243
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,251
Come on, al,
take a guess.
244
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:54,752
Two feet, three inches.
245
00:10:54,753 --> 00:10:56,654
Both: At least 100 feet.
246
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:57,888
Very good.
247
00:10:57,889 --> 00:10:59,523
Maybe you'd
better study, al.
248
00:10:59,524 --> 00:11:01,525
I've been driving
for 20 years.
249
00:11:01,526 --> 00:11:04,328
I don't have to study.
250
00:11:04,329 --> 00:11:05,596
I passed.
251
00:11:05,597 --> 00:11:07,465
I failed.
252
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:15,273
Congratulations, kelly.
I'm so proud of you.
253
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:17,775
Peg, maybe you didn't hear me.
254
00:11:17,776 --> 00:11:20,778
I said, I failed
my written test.
255
00:11:20,779 --> 00:11:24,282
Well, I didn't say
I was proud of you.
256
00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:26,049
And, mom, dad got
another ticket
257
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:27,285
For a broken tail-light
258
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:30,288
And one for driving
without a license.
259
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:34,325
Oh, I'm sorry, al.
Now I'm proud of you.
260
00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:36,761
Yeah. This is
a great little town.
261
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:38,663
Neighborhood's
burning down, no cops.
262
00:11:38,664 --> 00:11:40,498
Robberies every minute,
no cops.
263
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:45,135
I start my car,
here comes the bundy squad.
264
00:11:45,136 --> 00:11:47,338
Daddy, this is so like you.
265
00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:49,373
I mean, here I've got
this great news,
266
00:11:49,374 --> 00:11:50,974
And you have to
rain on my parade.
267
00:11:50,975 --> 00:11:52,976
I mean, this is
the happiest day of my life.
268
00:11:52,977 --> 00:11:56,847
Well, I'm just glad I could be
a small part of it, pumpkin.
269
00:11:58,983 --> 00:12:01,919
What are you
so upset about, al?
270
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,521
Well, let's see,
I don't have a license.
271
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:04,922
What does that mean?
272
00:12:04,923 --> 00:12:08,759
A) better christmas
presents for everyone,
273
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,362
B) the car will be
much roomier with me not in it,
274
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,263
Or c) the breadwinner
can't drive to work,
275
00:12:13,264 --> 00:12:14,598
So we'll all starve.
276
00:12:14,599 --> 00:12:16,534
So there's no problem
277
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:18,703
With me using the car
during the week?
278
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,471
No, no.
Go ahead. Take it.
279
00:12:20,472 --> 00:12:22,406
Just don't
get it dirty,
280
00:12:22,407 --> 00:12:23,941
Because we'll be
living in it soon.
281
00:12:23,942 --> 00:12:25,175
Thanks, dad.
282
00:12:25,176 --> 00:12:27,812
Al, you can always take
the test again Monday.
283
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,347
You can make it
one weekend
284
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:31,816
Without a car.
285
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:33,584
Well, I've got to get
to work tomorrow?
286
00:12:33,585 --> 00:12:35,118
How am I going to get there?
287
00:12:35,119 --> 00:12:38,522
Between kelly and me,
there will be no problem.
288
00:12:39,658 --> 00:12:41,158
Well...
289
00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:43,160
A special thanks to everyone
290
00:12:43,161 --> 00:12:48,031
Who didn't get up this morning
to drive me to work.
291
00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:51,402
That's my bike.
I reported it stolen.
292
00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:57,174
Well, I'll get arrested
for that tomorrow.
293
00:12:57,175 --> 00:13:01,245
Today, I just get a ticket
for a broken tail-light.
294
00:13:01,246 --> 00:13:02,747
Peg, I can't believe this.
295
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:04,248
I got so many tickets,
296
00:13:04,249 --> 00:13:07,718
I don't have any money left
to bet on that horse.
297
00:13:07,719 --> 00:13:09,253
Well, there's
no rush, honey.
298
00:13:09,254 --> 00:13:11,088
I'm sure
he'll still be running
299
00:13:11,089 --> 00:13:12,757
By the time
you get your license.
300
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:14,124
Yuck it up, peg.
301
00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:15,860
Will you get me
some juice, honey?
302
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,862
I'm sorry, al.
We're all out,
303
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:21,365
And I was just too bored
to go to the store.
304
00:13:21,366 --> 00:13:24,368
Now I'm too tired.
I'm going out.
305
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,570
Will you get me some juice?
306
00:13:26,571 --> 00:13:28,539
No, I'm too busy.
307
00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:30,040
Kelly...
308
00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:31,542
Oh, get real, dad.
309
00:13:31,543 --> 00:13:33,477
Nobody drinks juice but you.
310
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:41,452
Dad, being
without a license,
311
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:44,789
Does it make you feel
like less than a man?
312
00:13:46,658 --> 00:13:49,660
No, son, that's
your mother's job.
313
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:56,634
Bud, there's this horse
that I want to bet on.
314
00:13:56,635 --> 00:14:00,170
How about lending me
a couple of bucks, pal?
315
00:14:05,944 --> 00:14:08,879
No juice, no license,
no horse...
316
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:13,216
And thou.
317
00:14:13,217 --> 00:14:14,718
Hi, al.
318
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:17,220
Saw you peddling in
from work.
319
00:14:17,221 --> 00:14:19,490
You didn't study,
did you, al?
320
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:22,225
By the way, you know your bike's
got a broken tail-light?
321
00:14:22,226 --> 00:14:23,661
Get lost, steve.
322
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:25,195
Right back at you.
323
00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:28,699
Steve, wait a second!
I didn't recognize you.
324
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,267
Come on in.
325
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:33,203
What do you want?
326
00:14:33,204 --> 00:14:35,205
Well, we're neighbors.
327
00:14:35,206 --> 00:14:38,208
Can't two neighbors
just sit and talk?
328
00:14:38,209 --> 00:14:41,144
What do you want
to talk about?
329
00:14:41,145 --> 00:14:44,648
How would you like to increase
your money 20-fold?
330
00:14:44,649 --> 00:14:48,619
Already did. I bet you wouldn't
pass your driving test.
331
00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:51,121
That's a good one.
332
00:14:51,122 --> 00:14:52,623
No.
333
00:14:52,624 --> 00:14:55,626
I am the proud possessor
of some information
334
00:14:55,627 --> 00:14:59,630
That I could be persuaded
to sell to you for...
335
00:14:59,631 --> 00:15:01,932
Twe... 50 bucks.
336
00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:03,066
Just what does
337
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:04,935
The twe... 50 bucks
buy me, al?
338
00:15:04,936 --> 00:15:06,570
It's the biggest
insider tip of all time.
339
00:15:06,571 --> 00:15:09,072
It's on the stock market.
340
00:15:11,142 --> 00:15:13,644
Well... I'll give you 25.
341
00:15:13,645 --> 00:15:16,647
Deal. I was only kidding.
It's really a horse.
342
00:15:16,648 --> 00:15:18,983
Give me my money back, al.
343
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,951
He's coming in
at 20 to 1.
344
00:15:20,952 --> 00:15:23,487
See, that's better
than a stock tip.
345
00:15:23,488 --> 00:15:25,422
Stock price doubles,
you just make 2 to 1.
346
00:15:25,423 --> 00:15:28,091
This is 20 to 1, steve.
It's 20 to 1.
347
00:15:28,092 --> 00:15:29,793
His name is "dr. Footwear."
348
00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:33,430
Get it?
"dr. Footwear," see?
349
00:15:33,431 --> 00:15:36,667
I sell shoes.
350
00:15:36,668 --> 00:15:38,602
Anyway,
he's guaranteed to win.
351
00:15:38,603 --> 00:15:40,170
Nothing is guaranteed.
352
00:15:40,171 --> 00:15:42,606
Wrong. As long
as I live in this world,
353
00:15:42,607 --> 00:15:45,108
I'm guaranteed
to wallow in misery,
354
00:15:45,109 --> 00:15:46,977
But this horse
is going to win.
355
00:15:46,978 --> 00:15:49,079
All you have to do
is take me down there,
356
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,280
And we'll both
take limos home.
357
00:15:50,281 --> 00:15:52,282
Well, what time
is the race?
358
00:15:52,283 --> 00:15:54,117
2:00.
Pick me up at noon?
359
00:15:54,118 --> 00:15:56,654
No can do. Marcie and I
are going to a baby shower.
360
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,221
What?
361
00:15:58,222 --> 00:16:00,390
It's the boss'
daughter's baby.
362
00:16:00,391 --> 00:16:03,226
So you can't take me
to the track?
363
00:16:03,227 --> 00:16:04,728
Get lost.
364
00:16:04,729 --> 00:16:06,730
Well, enough
male bonding.
365
00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:08,732
I guess I'll...
366
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:11,234
Drive over
to the gas station.
367
00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:13,236
I don't really need gas.
368
00:16:13,237 --> 00:16:15,739
I just like to drive around.
369
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:18,742
So, what are you
going to do, al?
370
00:16:18,743 --> 00:16:22,512
Pop a few wheelies
in the living room?
371
00:16:22,513 --> 00:16:24,548
20 to 1, steve!
372
00:16:24,549 --> 00:16:27,751
Who needs you?
I'll get there myself.
373
00:16:27,752 --> 00:16:29,753
20 to 1, that's $500.
374
00:16:29,754 --> 00:16:34,257
The family can buy a lot
of nice stuff for $500...
375
00:16:34,258 --> 00:16:37,761
Then again, so can I.
376
00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:39,763
All right, everybody!
377
00:16:39,764 --> 00:16:43,266
Announcement, announcement.
378
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:44,768
Today at 2:00,
379
00:16:44,769 --> 00:16:47,771
I have a horse running
at arlington.
380
00:16:47,772 --> 00:16:48,772
I will be there.
381
00:16:48,773 --> 00:16:50,107
The only question before us is
382
00:16:50,108 --> 00:16:52,676
Which one of you dependents
is going to take me?
383
00:16:52,677 --> 00:16:55,278
Well, al, all I have to do
is go for a manicure.
384
00:16:55,279 --> 00:16:58,281
They're having a special,
11 for the price of 10,
385
00:16:58,282 --> 00:17:00,450
But I should be back
in an hour.
386
00:17:00,451 --> 00:17:01,485
Kelly?
387
00:17:01,486 --> 00:17:04,454
Well, two guys
are fighting over me
388
00:17:04,455 --> 00:17:06,957
Down by the train
tracks today.
389
00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:08,592
You know, it really
wouldn't look right
390
00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:09,960
If I wasn't there,
391
00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:12,796
But I'll be back
in plenty of time.
392
00:17:12,797 --> 00:17:14,231
Good.
393
00:17:14,232 --> 00:17:17,034
Now I'm going to say this slowly
so that you'll both understand.
394
00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:21,038
It is very important
that we get to the track.
395
00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:23,040
Promise me, promise me
396
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:26,043
That you will be
back in time.
397
00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:27,745
Al, if it's
important to you,
398
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,813
We will both be here.
399
00:17:29,814 --> 00:17:32,650
The horses are approachingthe starting gate.
400
00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:36,654
Hi, al. I knew you were home.
I saw your bike out front.
401
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:39,089
How come
you're not at the track?
402
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:43,093
For the same reason I'm not out
with sleazy blondes.
403
00:17:43,094 --> 00:17:46,063
I'm married...
With children.
404
00:17:46,064 --> 00:17:48,932
Gee, I wish I knew
you were stuck here.
405
00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:50,734
We got out of
the baby shower early.
406
00:17:50,735 --> 00:17:52,670
Her water broke
and we headed for the hills.
407
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:54,571
We were by the track,
408
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:57,474
So I figured, what the hell,
I put down $100 on that horse.
409
00:17:57,475 --> 00:17:59,777
That's the biggest bet
I ever made in my life.
410
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,612
At least we can listen
to it together.
411
00:18:02,613 --> 00:18:05,415
Steve, I got to tell you,
I got warned off that bet.
412
00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:08,418
Horse is going through
some tough personal problems,
413
00:18:08,419 --> 00:18:10,353
Getting married
or something like that,
414
00:18:10,354 --> 00:18:13,356
So I'll tell you what.
I'm feeling guilty.
415
00:18:13,357 --> 00:18:15,659
I'll buy $25 of your bet
out of friendship.
416
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:18,162
Lick my shoe...
Out of friendship.
417
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:20,263
And they're off!
418
00:18:20,264 --> 00:18:22,265
Is that a "no," steve?
419
00:18:22,266 --> 00:18:25,268
It'sbailey boy in the lead,with darling kim second,
420
00:18:25,269 --> 00:18:27,270
Mama's problem third,then satin lover,
421
00:18:27,271 --> 00:18:29,773
B-movie, floridora,and prince harris.
422
00:18:29,774 --> 00:18:32,275
Bringing up the rear,it's dr. Footwear.
423
00:18:32,276 --> 00:18:33,777
I'm last?
424
00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:35,145
He's going to win.
425
00:18:35,146 --> 00:18:36,780
He's last, al.
I didn't bet on him.
426
00:18:36,781 --> 00:18:38,716
Headinginto the first turn,
427
00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:41,719
It's darling kim,bailey boy, and satin lover.
428
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,721
Dr. Footwear is way behind.
429
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:45,222
He's way behind.
430
00:18:45,223 --> 00:18:46,690
He's going to win.
No, he's not!
431
00:18:46,691 --> 00:18:48,558
Steve, give me $25
of your bet right now,
432
00:18:48,559 --> 00:18:49,727
What do you say?
433
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,028
O--
434
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:52,730
And here comes dr. Footwearon the outside!
435
00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:54,732
Lick my shoe, al.
436
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,700
He's making a tremendous move!
437
00:18:56,701 --> 00:18:58,135
Coming intothe clubhouse turn,
438
00:18:58,136 --> 00:18:59,737
It's darling kim,satin lover, and dr. Footwear!
439
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,739
Come on,
dr. Footwear!
440
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:03,741
Trip and die,
dr. Footwear!
441
00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:06,243
Now they're inthe home stretch!
442
00:19:06,244 --> 00:19:08,245
Neck and neck,
443
00:19:08,246 --> 00:19:10,748
It's darling kimand dr. Footwear!
444
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,750
At the finish line, it's...
445
00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:14,752
Darling kim by a nose!
446
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:17,755
Ah! Ha ha!
He did it! He did it!
447
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:20,257
You lost, and I didn't!
Ha ha ha!
448
00:19:20,258 --> 00:19:21,759
Wait!
449
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,261
The steward'sinquiry light is on.
450
00:19:24,262 --> 00:19:25,729
He won.
451
00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:26,730
Forget it, al.
452
00:19:26,731 --> 00:19:27,831
They never
disqualify a horse.
453
00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:29,900
No, they don't.
Give me 25 bucks of the bet.
454
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,902
And they're taking downnumber eight.
455
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:33,270
Darling kim is disqualified!
456
00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:35,773
And the winner,paying 2290, is...
457
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,775
Dr. Footwear!
458
00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:39,709
$2,290!
459
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:42,712
I just won
over two grand.
460
00:19:42,713 --> 00:19:44,714
Al, I love you.
461
00:19:44,715 --> 00:19:46,716
And you owe me $25.
462
00:19:46,717 --> 00:19:49,219
I can't wait to tell marcie.
463
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,721
We can invest
in mutual bonds.
464
00:19:51,722 --> 00:19:54,291
Peg, you've got the greatest
husband in the world.
465
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:59,263
Why? What happened to al?
466
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:03,167
Oh, hi, honey. I'm here.
Let's go to the track.
467
00:20:03,168 --> 00:20:05,235
Peg, what time is it?
468
00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:06,569
5 after 2:00.
469
00:20:06,570 --> 00:20:09,572
You know what time
the race was?
470
00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:12,742
2:00, but nothing
ever starts on time.
471
00:20:12,743 --> 00:20:14,845
Dad, you ready to go?
472
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:16,280
Family, sit down.
473
00:20:18,082 --> 00:20:22,085
What I have to say
will be short and sweet.
474
00:20:22,086 --> 00:20:25,755
You stink.
475
00:20:25,756 --> 00:20:29,526
I left a knife fight
just to hear that?
476
00:20:29,527 --> 00:20:31,761
No, this too.
477
00:20:31,762 --> 00:20:35,765
Right now your daddy's
a little irritated
478
00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:40,137
Because you cost your daddy
500 frigging dollars,
479
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:42,206
But more important
than that--
480
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,708
Not more important than that,
but as important--
481
00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:47,377
You've shown me
how little you care.
482
00:20:47,378 --> 00:20:51,048
So tomorrow, when I go
to get my license--
483
00:20:51,049 --> 00:20:52,282
Who's taking you, dad?
484
00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:56,720
I'll crawl on my face.
485
00:20:56,721 --> 00:20:58,722
And when I come home,
486
00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:01,725
Your daddy is not
going to give you anything.
487
00:21:01,726 --> 00:21:04,728
Not a smile,
no money, no food.
488
00:21:04,729 --> 00:21:09,066
I'm not going to lift a finger
to help any of you,
489
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:13,436
And I don't expect any of you
to lift a finger to help me.
490
00:21:13,437 --> 00:21:14,938
From now on,
491
00:21:14,939 --> 00:21:17,440
We have a new bundy rule--
492
00:21:17,441 --> 00:21:20,043
Every man for himself.
493
00:21:22,747 --> 00:21:25,682
Yeah, mom, al passed
his driving test.
494
00:21:25,683 --> 00:21:30,120
And then the instructor
drove over his foot.
495
00:21:30,121 --> 00:21:33,924
Yeah. Al's going to be stuck
around the house for a while.
496
00:21:33,925 --> 00:21:38,228
Drive? With that foot?
497
00:21:38,229 --> 00:21:39,629
Oh, you're so right, mom.
498
00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:41,765
This is not going
to be easy for me.
499
00:21:41,766 --> 00:21:45,102
What's that ringing?
500
00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:46,836
That's just al
with his bell.
501
00:21:46,837 --> 00:21:49,606
Daddy, you don't need
the car, do you?
502
00:21:53,177 --> 00:21:54,844
What, al?
503
00:21:54,845 --> 00:21:57,347
Can you get me a beer?
504
00:21:57,348 --> 00:21:58,448
Hold on, mom.
505
00:21:58,449 --> 00:22:01,684
I've got to get
something for al.
506
00:22:01,685 --> 00:22:03,653
What? The garden is blooming?
507
00:22:03,654 --> 00:22:05,622
Tell me all about it.
508
00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:10,660
Don't you know
I'm sitting here in pain?
509
00:22:10,661 --> 00:22:12,662
Aaah! Geez!
510
00:22:12,663 --> 00:22:14,664
Hold on a second, mom.
511
00:22:14,665 --> 00:22:16,233
I've got to
take this upstairs.
512
00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:17,434
I can't hear a thing.
513
00:22:17,435 --> 00:22:21,538
Al, hang this up
when I get upstairs.
514
00:22:42,460 --> 00:22:45,128
[♪]
36662
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof