Original subtitles

Shlub: Did you all see this?

A two-headed creature bristling

with penes was born.

Hippocampus: Yes! All right! Tyrannis: Dad, I think

you're reading that wrong. It's two women embracing.

Shlub: Ah, yes, I think I can see that, too.

-Why were you so excited? -Zero reason.

Keep drinking the well water, everybody.

Stupendous: Oh, it's an ad for Aphrodite's Fertility Festival.

It's gonna be huge.

Deliria: Aphrodite has festivals now?

I remember when she was just a kid in a shell,

goddess of sea foam. No one cared about her

until she took her clothes off.

Stupendous: I mean, she's hot as hell, Mom.

Deliria: Try being hot with your clothes on.

Now, that takes work!

She used to be quite a bit heavier, you know.

Shlub: Don't make me hornier than I already am.

Deliria: So she's built an entire cult around love and fertility,

just by shaking her little ass around town.

God, I wish I'd thought of that.

Stupendous: "The price of admission is one woman."

Deliria: Well, that settles it. I'll take you.

-To a festival? -Yes, I need

to study Aphrodite's game and hate her from closer.

Stupendous: But it's a fertility festival. I'm not trying to have a baby!

Deliria: Of course you aren't! It's a death sentence!

Just stay by me, and if anyone tries to talk to you

about the tides or "tearing," just plug your ears

and scream until you can't hear them.

Tyrannis: Well, fellas, looks like it's another classic "boys' day."

-Aren't you 29? -"Men's day!"

You know what I mean: When the cat's away,

the mice will play. Shlub: Are we mice now?

I thought he said we were children.

-Yeah, I'm lost. -I'm just trying to say

the three of us can hang out together.

Hippocampus: Oh...we sorta made plans.

-Oh, give me a break. -We're going to the bathhouse.

Hippo: We didn't invite you, because we know how much

you hate public nudity. Ty: Where did you get that from?

Shlub: Specifically?

From you wearing a shirt under your toga.

Tyrannis: This is a style choice and I would love

to join you two at the bathhouse.

Hippo: It's very far. And you have to know somebody to get in.

-I know you two. -Mmm, yes, I suppose.

OK, then. Kolax: Hey, boss,

got time for a quick meet and greet

with Krapopolis' oldest living woman?

She's 37.

Tyrannis: Ew. Can it wait?

Kolax: Well, she is 37.

You tell me.

[Theme music playing]

[Male singers chanting]

Whoo!

[Fanfare playing]

Connie: Welcome to Aphrodite Fest,

where women can relax, uplift each other,

eat normal, and let go of our farts.

[Farts]

Deliria: Time to see how this scam artist

paints her scam canvas.

Her "scamvas." [Chuckles]

Stupendous: Mom, Aphrodite Fest is supposed

to be about women supporting women.

You should be complimenting her.

Deliria: I'm being petty and jealous.

What greater compliment can a woman pay?

Vendor: Cucumber water? Mud mask? Real orgasm?

Vendor 2: Dove blood. Dove blood!

Women: Ooh! Connie: Ladies and ladies,

the goddess you've been waiting for!

[Fanfare playing]

Aphrodite: Where are my little baby-makers?

[Women screaming] Woman: She's here!

Aphrodite: Welcome to Aphrodite Fest!

Where women can women, however women women!

Quick announcement. There's been some shoving

at the massage chair station. Please wait your turn.

And remember, it's just a chair.

You don't have to take off your underwear.

Please stop taking off your underwear.

OK, what's your name, beautiful?

Woman: Lucy. Aphrodite: Well, Lucy,

What do you want more than anything in the world?

Stupendous: That's obvious. A slingshot strong enough

to knock a hole in the sky.

-A baby! -Weird choice.

Aphrodite: Well, Lucy, have you been praying to me?

Lucy: Every night! And, oh, here, I brought

a gold bracelet, passed down in my family for generations.

Deliria: Jewelry?! I'm lucky

if I can get my followers to kill a squirrel for me!

Lucy: I hope the ruby isn't too big.

Aphrodite: It's not my style, but I have some frumpy swans

back at my temple who this might fit.

Lucy, the goddess Aphrodite has heard your prayers.

You know I'm all about love,

you know I sleep in a shell,

but did you know I can do thiiiiiiis?

[Women gasp] Woman: She's pregnant!

Aphrodite: That's right. I'm offering

fast-track pregnancies to 25 lucky new followers today.

[All clamoring]

You could get pregnant and you could get pregnant

and you could get pregnant!

Woman: Hey, you're spitting kind of a lot of dove blood on us.

Stupendous: I hope you didn't buy that here.

I have a ton of dove blood at home.

Hippo: Ty, you really sure you want to go in?

It's super stuck-up in there, and you're so down to earth.

Shlub: Exactly. The people's king,

going to a hoity-toity bathhouse?

Tyrannis: You know I love all things both hoity and toity.

[Gasps] You two don't want to spend time with me, do you?

-It's not that! It's not that at all! -No, no, no, no, no!

Tyrannis: Then prove it. OK, first of all,

not everyone's nude, so I just did

all those quick push-ups for nothing.

Second, this place is hardly exclusive.

For God's sake, Scott is here. Scott: Found it!

Found my false tooth! Thanks, everybody!

Tyrannis: Third, it's so steamy in here, no one's even gonna know

you're with me, so can you please explain why

you two didn't want me here? Hippo: No reason.

I mean, we didn't not want you here,

but maybe we should head to the dry sauna.

What do you think? I'm foggin' up.

Tyrannis: Not yet. I'm enjoying this, and Dad's

not done sweating out all his breakfast cheese.

Shlub: I'm like a big brie.

Man: I just think a wheat monoculture

is going to economically ruin us.

We need to diversify our crop yield.

Man 2: And destroy the tens of jobs the wheat industry

has created? Ty: This place is incredible.

People are having civil, meaningful conversations

about the future of this city. Man: Well, no matter what we do,

a city is only as strong as its leader,

and in that realm, we're screwed!

-What's this now? -Always comes back to King Ty.

Shlub: Perhaps we should head to the room where they

beat us with horrible, rough twigs.

Man: Let's be honest. It's half the reason we

come here, to make fun of that spindly twerp. Ha ha!

Man 3: Highlight of my week. Shlub: Ty?

Stupendous: Do you mind? I don't need a prize,

I just can't walk past a hammer and not pound something.

Deliria: Oh, knock yourself out.

I'm going to go and check out Stage 3.

Apparently, there's an oracle who can only predict

the exact day your butt will go.

[Stupendous grunts]

[Ding, baby doll squeaks]

Woman: Stupendous! Is that you?

Stupendous: Tina! Iris! Cora! Man, I haven't seen

you three since Battle Belles Sleepaway Camp!

Sorry again about beheading your fourth friend

during training, by the way. Cora: It's cool.

Samantha was dead weight.

Stupendous: So what are you three badasses doing

at this gross-ass Fertility Festival?

Iris: Hey, this festival changed the course of our lives

for the better. Cora: Yeah, even more than

Samantha's beheading. Stupendous: Wait.

Are you...moms?

Tina: Proud ones! And now we travel

with the Fest with our little miracles.

Stupendous: No way. How do you balance it all?

You know, being badass warriors and goodass moms?

Tina: We're actually better warriors because of our mom-ly desires

to give our kids better, more aggro lives.

Stupendous: That's really sweet.

Tina: So you must want kids, too, if you're here, eh, Stupe?

Stupendous: Well, I'm actually not sure. Most days, I'm like, "Nawww,"

and then some days, I'm like, "Chawww?"

Cora: We were all pretty nawww chawww for a while, too.

Tina: But not only can kids avenge your death

if something happens to you...

Cora: But they'll carry on your legacy.

Iris: And you're the greatest warrior of all time, Stupendous.

Your legacy is everything!

Stupendous: I guess that makes some sense.

Cora: Well, gal-pal, you have to start the process now.

We warriors get hit in the vag so much during battle,

we need all the help we can get. Y'know, down there.

See ya at the ceremony! Deliria: What kind of idiot

would want to buy something simply so they can let

everyone know they once went to a festival?

Like this isn't going to end up

in the free bin at the secondhand agora.

It's a brilliant scam, I'll give her that.

Stupendous: What if I told you I'm considering having a baby?

Deliria, chuckling: Oh, Stupendous, please!

I laughed hard enough at the crying women at the ass oracle!

What? Why do you look like that?

Why are you cradling that hammer like it's a baby?

Stupendous: Because...I think I want one.

A baby, not a hammer. But I do want the hammer, too, so back off!

Welcome, ladies. My name is Connie.

Prospective mothers, please,

gather round. Don't be shy.

After all, giving birth

is not a shy activity. You will defecate

in front of everyone, and probably die.

[Laughter] Deliria: Since when

do you want children?

Stupendous: Since this morning. My old camp friends told me

how fulfilling their lives are as warrior moms.

Deliria: Your life is fulfilling!

I've seen the smile on your face when you rip a foe's heart out.

Stupendous: You seem to be doing a lot of telling me what I want,

and not a lot of listening to Connie's

important-sounding poop speech.

Connie: You've all made the brave decision to pursue

Aphrodite's blessing and become mothers.

Give yourselves a pat on the stomach.

[Women laugh]

Broseidon: Oh, yeah! Pat those stomachs!

Deliria: Broseidon, what on earth are you doing

at a woman's Fertility Festival?

Broseidon: I misread the urn, but am I ever glad I did!

Connie: Now, remember, tributes are great,

but there's only one way to be truly ready to have a baby,

and that's to buy lots of Aphrodite-approved infant

and pre-infant products, not just for yourself,

but for mommy-curious friends, cousins,

neighbors, and acquaintances.

Only when Aphrodite sees

you're prepared will she bless you.

[Cheering and applause] Deliria: And there it is!

The con. You don't need all that stuff to have a baby!

All it takes is a drunk hookup and a high tolerance

for a few decades of inconvenience.

Vendor: Want to show you have what it takes to bear

the pain of childbirth? Stupendous: Do I!

Deliria: Stupendous, listen to me. You don't want this.

Now, I don't know if you've been tricked

or if you're trying to prove yourself or--

Stupendous: I don't need to prove myself.

That's what these cannons are for.

Deliria: What about your independence?

You can kiss that good-bye, and your battle focus?

You don't want to be in the middle of bludgeoning someone

and worrying about the babysitter.

Stupendous: Why do you care so much? Just 'cause you barely

wanted to be a mom doesn't mean it's not right for me.

Deliria: You're only here because of me!

And I mean both in general terms and the festival, specifically.

I practically dragged you here! Again, in both cases!

Stupendous: Are you gonna start this thing or what?!

Vendor: Oh, it's been maxed out for a while.

Stupendous: Dang. I thought I was finally gonna experience "pain."

Tyrannis: What the hell! Why were those guys

so comfortable talking about me like that?

Hippo: I think everyone has found this is a place

to air their grievances in safety.

They figured you'd never come, 'cause of the nudity.

Tyrannis: So people specifically come here to talk trash,

specifically about me? Shlub: Don't take it personally.

-It's about me, personally! -Well, that's the stuff

you really have to not take personally.

I wouldn't be surprised if you talked about me behind my back.

-Yes, but you're ridiculous! -We did try to protect you

from it, Ty. Let's get outta here.

Tyrannis: No. If there's a place in town where people want

to talk about me, I'm glad I know about it.

And I've got a thing or two to say to them.

Hippo: Ty! No!

Tyrannis: Attention, bathhouse trash-talkers!

Man: Oh, no! King Tyrannis is here?

Tyrannis: Look, I know you've been coming here

to say bad things about me.

Well, if anybody's going to criticize me,

it might as well be the cruelest me-critic around...me!

And by the way, I realize that that in itself is pathetic.

If I didn't recognize pathetic, I'd be baffled every time

I looked in the mirror. [Laughter]

Shlub: Oh, dear. What is he doing?

Hippo: He's attempting to disarm these men

with nothing but his own self-loathing.

Tyrannis: It's actually kind of a relief to open up about this.

You're annoyed having me as king. Imagine being me.

You at least could leave the city. I'm stuck here!

[Laughter] Man: Keep going!

-Do something about your ears! -Or your boring speeches!

-Or the bedwetting! -Thanks, but I've got this, Dad.

Aphrodite: Mah! Bah! Vah!

Pan's playful Pegasus pranced proudly past Poseidon's palace.

Deliria: Oh, very good, you've got your "puh" sound.

-Hey, you can't be in here! -That's all right, Mirror Girl.

You're free to go. Deliria, it's been ages.

Where have you been? Deliria: Oh, well, you know,

kicked off Olympus and all that.

-You weren't "kicked off." -Yes, I was.

Aphrodite: Yeah, you were, but you've been so brave about it.

I have so much respect for you.

Deliria: And I you. You've really outdone yourself.

Reproduction, such an interesting theme.

All the fun of sex, just without--you know,

all the fun of sex. Consequences only.

Aphrodite: And what brings you here? Mortal children gone already?

They grow up and die so fast, don't they?

Deliria: Look, I need you to not pick my daughter

for your grand pregnancy ceremony-charade.

-Oh? Why's that? -She's actually buying into

whatever it is you're selling. Aphrodite: Selling?

This is my passion, Deliria.

It is the result of hard work and determination.

Deliria: Oh, come off it. It's another way for you

to get followers and sell baby crap.

Aphrodite: For someone asking for a favor, you sure are flailing.

Deliria: Flailing? I'm not the one

who's putting my own face on a nappy!

Aphrodite: You know, maybe I just will pick

your stupid daughter.

Deliria: She may be stupid,

but not stupid enough to go through with this!

Aphrodite: Well, it's her choice, isn't it?

So I guess we'll just have to see.

Deliria: Yes, we will!

Aphrodite: Zeus zapped zephyrs zealously,

as Hera hatched heavenly havoc.

Tyrannis: And it's like, if I wanted Krapopolis

to have a zoo so badly, I should've made the walls

of the lion enclosure taller. [Laughter]

Man: That lion killed my sister!

Tyrannis: And don't even get me started on my fears.

I'm scared of everything: drowning, choking,

heights, depths, not knowing the difference

between a dress and a skirt. Is it the material?

And obviously, my biggest fear of all,

I'm scared of people not liking me.

I think it stems from my childhood.

Anytime I would cry, my mother would turn me into a rabbit.

Why, you ask? Because rabbits don't

have tear ducts, so they can't cry.

And I remember thinking, as I nibbled on hay and dropped

fecal pellets, that maybe my mom didn't like me very much.

[Man coughs] Shlub: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hippo: All right, Ty, this is maybe getting a little sad.

Tyrannis: You want sad? Last week, I found a gray hair,

and it got me so depressed,

I couldn't leave my bed for 3 days.

Then I got sad for having wasted so much time being sad

about something so trifling. And then I got so sad

about getting sad so easily, I had to go lie down again,

which started the cycle of sadness all over.

-Too dark! -You need help!

Tyrannis: Oh, come on, where's everyone going?

I've got plenty more. I hate the way I kingsplain everything.

You know what I mean by kingsplain. I mean, I'm

basically doing it right now. I can't help myself.

Where'd all the steam go? Shlub: Even that little fellow

who throws the water on the hot rocks left.

Hippo: Yeah, you ruined our bathhouse, Ty.

Tyrannis: Oh, the place where my brother and father go

without me and have a laugh with the citizens at my expense?

Hippo: Yes!

Tyrannis: At least the water guy came back.

-Dad! -What? Stream to steam!

Women: Hee, hee, hoo, hoo.

Hee, hee, hoo, hoo... Stupendous: It's weird that they

found a way to make breathing less intuitive.

Woman: It's making me lightheaded, and I want to chase this high!

Deliria: Stupendous, I just talked to Aphrodite and--

Stupendous: Oh, you meddled? Shocking.

Deliria: Oh, you know what? This is your choice.

-Really? Well, in that case-- -I suppose I just have to let

you make your own mess, and I don't want to waste my time

watching someone mess herself.

That's more Shlub's thing.

[Fanfare playing, women cheering]

Aphrodite: Are you ready to get pregnant?!

-Me! Me! -Whoo!

Aphrodite: Now's the moment you've all been waiting for.

If I call on you, join me on stage,

because, Mama, you're about to get huge!

-[Cheering] -This is my favorite part.

I am here for anyone who wants to do it "natural"!

Aphrodite: You, with the sack of flour!

You, who needs something to talk about with her sisters-in-law!

You, with the narrow pelvis!

I'll spread those hips like butter!

And you, my one-eyed,

broad-shouldered, pigtailed mama.

-Me?! -I'm pretty sure she was

pointing at me! Did you mean me or her? Me, right?

Aphrodite: Get up here, Stupendous!

You're gonna be a great mom!

Stupendous: I didn't think I was gonna get picked.

I--I might need a second to think.

Woman: What's to think about? All you need to do from now on

is just make babies. Stupendous: Babies?

I was thinking more like a one-and-done situation.

Woman: Oh, no, after your first, you just keep making more!

You never even have to leave the babytorium until your tenth,

when you get to take a vacation at a volcano!

Stupendous: Um, I think I need to find my mom.

We had a fight and, you know.

Woman: Oh, you'll never have to do that again.

They separate you from your family forever.

You don't even ever come back from the volcano, as far as anybody can tell!

Aphrodite: We're waiting, Stupendous.

Bring those big, sturdy tree trunk legs up here.

Woman: Her or me? Just making sure!

Stupendous: I was thinkin' I would take a pass

on the whole baby thing, just for now.

-Are you out of your mind?! -I don't usually agree

with such hysterical women, but--are you?

Stupendous: No, ho, ho! I just had a chance to think about it

and, funny thing, it turns out, I don't want a baby.

Aphrodite: I know that's not true. It's just cold feet.

Stupendous: No, my feet are fine. It's this part.

No offense to all you baby crazies.

I don't think you're all being long-term scammed or anything,

or that motherhood is, like, a type of slavery.

I mainly just wanted to rile my mom up.

She treats me like a baby, acts like I have no agency,

blah blah blah. Aphrodite: Are you telling me

you used my festival to work out some kind of personal agenda?!

That doesn't fly here! You said you wanted a baby!

Well, baby, you're getting a baby!

Where are you going with that big, empty womb?

Woman 2: If she doesn't want hers, I'll take it!

Woman 3: Same! In my village, women who don't produce heirs

are turned into ankle bracelets for their husbands' next wives!

Woman 2: Oh, are you from Ascra? Do you know Iris Glaukopis?

Woman 3, gasping: Get out!

Aphrodite: I chose Stupendous,

and I'll be baby-zapping Stupendous!

I'm thinking I'll make this one a redhead.

Stupendous: You're sick!

[Pigs squealing and oinking]

Aphrodite: Deliria!

-Mom! Where were you? -The wings!

Now, admit that I was right.

You did not want a baby!

Stupendous: Fine, yes! I just wanted

to show you I can make decisions for myself!

Deliria: Well, that was a risky gamble, don't you think?

Rather proved the opposite of your point.

Stupendous: Can you please just help me and we can talk about it later?!

Aphrodite: Stop using my stage for your petty squabbling!

This is my show!

Deliria: You know what I always find funny, Aphrodite?

As the goddess of beauty, you have infinite forms

you could choose from, and yet you picked those boobs?

Aphrodite: Small and pointy is a classic!

It's too bad I'm way more powerful than you are.

You can't turn me into a pig, Deliria.

Deliria: That's not my only thing!

Viktoria: Noooooo!

Woman: Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Woman 2: Ah! Ha ha!

Viktoria: I used to spend Sundays just reading!

Shlub: You said some pretty hurtful things

about yourself back there. Are you all right?

Tyrannis: If anything, I was holding back.

Hippo: Yikes. That was holding back?

-I was just trying to own it. -Well, perhaps that was

the problem, son. You can't own someone else not liking you.

-Then what can you do? -What I do: go somewhere else.

Tyrannis: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced you to bring me.

You were just trying to protect my feelings.

Shlub: I'm afraid you've awarded us too much credit.

Hippo: Yeah, we weren't thinking about your feelings.

We were thinking about our bathhouse experience.

We're the ones who should be apologizing to you.

Tyrannis: It's OK. The people have a right

to free speech, you two included.

Shlub: All right, then I'll come out and say it if no one else will:

A little cannibalism should be welcome in the bedroom.

Hippo: Come on, let's go grab a drink.

-All of us? -Obviously.

Jeez, Ty, you do need help.

Stupendous: I got an idea.

Well, that's not what I expected.

Deliria: So let me get this straight.

You got us into a zap battle

with Aphrodite because...why again?

Stupendous: I could argue you got us into a zap battle

by making me come to this stupid festival!

[Grunts]

And what if I really did want a kid?

Do you think I'd be such a terrible mother?

Deliria: Of course not.

There's no such thing as a terrible mother.

Stupendous: Because, you know, I might want to one day.

Just not like this.

I mean, what kind of baby is that even gonna be?

Aphrodite: A ground baby!

Deliria: I'm sorry I'm not the warmest mother.

But I still don't want to lose you to Aphrodite.

Stupendous: You can't lose me. You're my mom.

Deliria: I think I can end this.

[Grunts] Oh, Aphrodite?

Isn't this your second in command?

You know, you're not the only one

who can zap a baby into someone.

Aphrodite: You're bluffing. You don't have the power.

Deliria: Watch me.

Aphrodite: No! Not my most productive deputy!

I'll never find someone with her experience

for what I'm offering in benefits and perks!

Deliria: And if you don't leave my daughter alone,

I'll do it to all your best workers.

Aphrodite: Fine, you win! Oh, get out of here, both of you!

And Stupe, if you ever want a baby,

don't expect any help from me!

Stupendous: I don't need you.

I can get pregnant with my mom!

[Connie's belly oinks]

Ty: This was a great idea! Hippo: We should do this

more often, the three of us.

Man: Did you hear how Tyrannis bankrupted the bathhouse?

Man 2: He messed it up just like he messed up our legal system.

I liked solving disputes via spanking!

What am I supposed to do with all my canes and rods?

Hippo: Resist the urge to outdo them, Ty.

Shlub: Perhaps someplace quieter?

Hippo: Much better. Man: Ugh!

This wine tastes like tar!

Tarmaid: That's because it is tar. You can thank the king,

who ruined the trade routes to the good grape regions!

Tyrannis: Trying to end this will just make it worse.

-That's right. -I was ready to die.

I'd done everything I wanted to. Now this.

Tyrannis: Well, we've come to something that isn't my fault.

Viktoria: Now I have to get a second job as a tarmaid

in order to afford a child, because this city

is so expensive,

which is your fault.

Tyrannis: She is so old.

-Right?! -Put my name down!

Man: Did you get any of that?

Woman: Bento.