All language subtitles for Krapopolis S02E12 iNTERNAL 1080p WEB h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

Shlub:
Did you all see this?

A two-headed creature
bristling

with penes was born.

Hippocampus: Yes! All right!
Tyrannis: Dad, I think

you're reading that wrong.
It's two women embracing.

Shlub: Ah, yes, I think
I can see that, too.

-Why were you so excited?
-Zero reason.

Keep drinking the well water,
everybody.

Stupendous: Oh, it's an ad for
Aphrodite's Fertility Festival.

It's gonna be huge.

Deliria:
Aphrodite has festivals now?

I remember when she was just
a kid in a shell,

goddess of sea foam.
No one cared about her

until she took
her clothes off.

Stupendous: I mean,
she's hot as hell, Mom.

Deliria: Try being hot
with your clothes on.

Now, that takes work!

She used to be quite a bit
heavier, you know.

Shlub: Don't make me hornier
than I already am.

Deliria: So she's built
an entire cult around love
and fertility,

just by shaking her little ass
around town.

God, I wish I'd
thought of that.

Stupendous: "The price
of admission is one woman."

Deliria: Well, that settles it.
I'll take you.

-To a festival?
-Yes, I need

to study Aphrodite's game
and hate her from closer.

Stupendous:
But it's a fertility festival.
I'm not trying to have a baby!

Deliria: Of course you aren't!
It's a death sentence!

Just stay by me, and if anyone
tries to talk to you

about the tides or "tearing,"
just plug your ears

and scream until you
can't hear them.

Tyrannis:
Well, fellas, looks like it's
another classic "boys' day."

-Aren't you 29?
-"Men's day!"

You know what I mean:
When the cat's away,

the mice will play.
Shlub: Are we mice now?

I thought he said
we were children.

-Yeah, I'm lost.
-I'm just trying to say

the three of us
can hang out together.

Hippocampus:
Oh...we sorta made plans.

-Oh, give me a break.
-We're going to the bathhouse.

Hippo: We didn't invite you,
because we know how much

you hate public nudity.
Ty: Where did you get that from?

Shlub: Specifically?

From you wearing a shirt
under your toga.

Tyrannis: This is a style choice
and I would love

to join you two
at the bathhouse.

Hippo: It's very far. And you
have to know somebody to get in.

-I know you two.
-Mmm, yes, I suppose.

OK, then.
Kolax: Hey, boss,

got time for a quick
meet and greet

with Krapopolis'
oldest living woman?

She's 37.

Tyrannis: Ew.
Can it wait?

Kolax:
Well, she is 37.

You tell me.

[Theme music playing]

[Male singers chanting]

Whoo!

[Fanfare playing]

Connie:
Welcome to Aphrodite Fest,

where women can relax,
uplift each other,

eat normal,
and let go of our farts.

[Farts]

Deliria: Time to see
how this scam artist

paints her scam canvas.

Her "scamvas."
[Chuckles]

Stupendous: Mom,
Aphrodite Fest is supposed

to be about women
supporting women.

You should be complimenting her.

Deliria: I'm being petty
and jealous.

What greater compliment
can a woman pay?

Vendor: Cucumber water?
Mud mask? Real orgasm?

Vendor 2:
Dove blood. Dove blood!

Women: Ooh!
Connie: Ladies and ladies,

the goddess you've been
waiting for!

[Fanfare playing]

Aphrodite:
Where are my little baby-makers?

[Women screaming]
Woman: She's here!

Aphrodite:
Welcome to Aphrodite Fest!

Where women can women,
however women women!

Quick announcement.
There's been some shoving

at the massage chair station.
Please wait your turn.

And remember,
it's just a chair.

You don't have
to take off your underwear.

Please stop taking off
your underwear.

OK, what's your name,
beautiful?

Woman: Lucy.
Aphrodite: Well, Lucy,

What do you want more than
anything in the world?

Stupendous: That's obvious.
A slingshot strong enough

to knock a hole
in the sky.

-A baby!
-Weird choice.

Aphrodite: Well, Lucy,
have you been praying to me?

Lucy: Every night!
And, oh, here, I brought

a gold bracelet, passed down
in my family for generations.

Deliria: Jewelry?!
I'm lucky

if I can get my followers
to kill a squirrel for me!

Lucy: I hope the ruby
isn't too big.

Aphrodite: It's not my style,
but I have some frumpy swans

back at my temple
who this might fit.

Lucy, the goddess Aphrodite
has heard your prayers.

You know
I'm all about love,

you know I sleep
in a shell,

but did you know
I can do thiiiiiiis?

[Women gasp]
Woman: She's pregnant!

Aphrodite: That's right.
I'm offering

fast-track pregnancies
to 25 lucky new followers today.

[All clamoring]

You could get pregnant and you
could get pregnant

and you could get pregnant!

Woman: Hey, you're spitting kind
of a lot of dove blood on us.

Stupendous: I hope you
didn't buy that here.

I have a ton
of dove blood at home.

Hippo: Ty, you really sure
you want to go in?

It's super stuck-up in there,
and you're so down to earth.

Shlub: Exactly.
The people's king,

going to a hoity-toity
bathhouse?

Tyrannis: You know I love
all things both hoity and toity.

[Gasps] You two don't want
to spend time with me, do you?

-It's not that!
It's not that at all!
-No, no, no, no, no!

Tyrannis: Then prove it.
OK, first of all,

not everyone's nude,
so I just did

all those quick push-ups
for nothing.

Second, this place is
hardly exclusive.

For God's sake, Scott is here.
Scott: Found it!

Found my false tooth!
Thanks, everybody!

Tyrannis: Third,
it's so steamy in here,
no one's even gonna know

you're with me, so can you
please explain why

you two didn't want me here?
Hippo: No reason.

I mean, we didn't
not want you here,

but maybe we should head
to the dry sauna.

What do you think?
I'm foggin' up.

Tyrannis: Not yet.
I'm enjoying this, and Dad's

not done sweating out all
his breakfast cheese.

Shlub:
I'm like a big brie.

Man: I just think
a wheat monoculture

is going to economically
ruin us.

We need to diversify
our crop yield.

Man 2: And destroy the tens
of jobs the wheat industry

has created?
Ty: This place is incredible.

People are having civil,
meaningful conversations

about the future of this city.
Man: Well, no matter what we do,

a city is only as strong
as its leader,

and in that realm,
we're screwed!

-What's this now?
-Always comes back to King Ty.

Shlub: Perhaps we should head
to the room where they

beat us with horrible,
rough twigs.

Man: Let's be honest.
It's half the reason we

come here, to make fun
of that spindly twerp. Ha ha!

Man 3: Highlight of my week.
Shlub: Ty?

Stupendous: Do you mind?
I don't need a prize,

I just can't walk past a hammer
and not pound something.

Deliria:
Oh, knock yourself out.

I'm going to go
and check out Stage 3.

Apparently, there's an oracle
who can only predict

the exact day
your butt will go.

[Stupendous grunts]

[Ding, baby doll squeaks]

Woman: Stupendous!
Is that you?

Stupendous: Tina! Iris! Cora!
Man, I haven't seen

you three since Battle Belles
Sleepaway Camp!

Sorry again about beheading
your fourth friend

during training, by the way.
Cora: It's cool.

Samantha was dead weight.

Stupendous: So what are
you three badasses doing

at this gross-ass
Fertility Festival?

Iris: Hey, this festival changed
the course of our lives

for the better.
Cora: Yeah, even more than

Samantha's beheading.
Stupendous: Wait.

Are you...moms?

Tina: Proud ones!
And now we travel

with the Fest
with our little miracles.

Stupendous: No way.
How do you balance it all?

You know, being badass warriors
and goodass moms?

Tina: We're actually
better warriors because
of our mom-ly desires

to give our kids
better, more aggro lives.

Stupendous:
That's really sweet.

Tina: So you must want kids,
too, if you're here, eh, Stupe?

Stupendous:
Well, I'm actually not sure.
Most days, I'm like, "Nawww,"

and then some days,
I'm like, "Chawww?"

Cora: We were all pretty
nawww chawww for a while, too.

Tina: But not only can kids
avenge your death

if something happens
to you...

Cora: But they'll carry on
your legacy.

Iris: And you're the greatest
warrior of all time, Stupendous.

Your legacy is everything!

Stupendous: I guess that makes
some sense.

Cora: Well, gal-pal, you have
to start the process now.

We warriors get hit in the vag
so much during battle,

we need all the help we can get.
Y'know, down there.

See ya at the ceremony!
Deliria: What kind of idiot

would want to buy something
simply so they can let

everyone know they once
went to a festival?

Like this isn't going
to end up

in the free bin
at the secondhand agora.

It's a brilliant scam,
I'll give her that.

Stupendous: What if I told you
I'm considering having a baby?

Deliria, chuckling:
Oh, Stupendous, please!

I laughed hard enough at the
crying women at the ass oracle!

What?
Why do you look like that?

Why are you cradling that hammer
like it's a baby?

Stupendous:
Because...I think I want one.

A baby, not a hammer.
But I do want the hammer,
too, so back off!

Welcome, ladies.
My name is Connie.

Prospective mothers,
please,

gather round.
Don't be shy.

After all, giving birth

is not a shy activity.
You will defecate

in front of everyone,
and probably die.

[Laughter]
Deliria: Since when

do you want children?

Stupendous: Since this morning.
My old camp friends told me

how fulfilling their lives are
as warrior moms.

Deliria:
Your life is fulfilling!

I've seen the smile on your face
when you rip a foe's heart out.

Stupendous:
You seem to be doing a lot
of telling me what I want,

and not a lot of listening
to Connie's

important-sounding
poop speech.

Connie: You've all made
the brave decision to pursue

Aphrodite's blessing
and become mothers.

Give yourselves a pat
on the stomach.

[Women laugh]

Broseidon: Oh, yeah!
Pat those stomachs!

Deliria: Broseidon,
what on earth are you doing

at a woman's
Fertility Festival?

Broseidon: I misread the urn,
but am I ever glad I did!

Connie: Now, remember,
tributes are great,

but there's only one way to be
truly ready to have a baby,

and that's to buy lots
of Aphrodite-approved infant

and pre-infant products,
not just for yourself,

but for mommy-curious friends,
cousins,

neighbors,
and acquaintances.

Only when Aphrodite sees

you're prepared
will she bless you.

[Cheering and applause]
Deliria: And there it is!

The con. You don't need all
that stuff to have a baby!

All it takes is a drunk hookup
and a high tolerance

for a few decades
of inconvenience.

Vendor: Want to show you have
what it takes to bear

the pain of childbirth?
Stupendous: Do I!

Deliria:
Stupendous, listen to me.
You don't want this.

Now, I don't know
if you've been tricked

or if you're trying
to prove yourself or--

Stupendous: I don't need
to prove myself.

That's what these cannons
are for.

Deliria:
What about your independence?

You can kiss that good-bye,
and your battle focus?

You don't want to be in the
middle of bludgeoning someone

and worrying about
the babysitter.

Stupendous:
Why do you care so much?
Just 'cause you barely

wanted to be a mom doesn't mean
it's not right for me.

Deliria: You're only here
because of me!

And I mean both in general terms
and the festival, specifically.

I practically dragged you here!
Again, in both cases!

Stupendous: Are you gonna start
this thing or what?!

Vendor: Oh, it's been
maxed out for a while.

Stupendous: Dang.
I thought I was finally
gonna experience "pain."

Tyrannis: What the hell!
Why were those guys

so comfortable talking
about me like that?

Hippo: I think everyone
has found this is a place

to air their grievances
in safety.

They figured you'd never come,
'cause of the nudity.

Tyrannis: So people specifically
come here to talk trash,

specifically about me?
Shlub: Don't take it personally.

-It's about me, personally!
-Well, that's the stuff

you really have to not
take personally.

I wouldn't be surprised if you
talked about me behind my back.

-Yes, but you're ridiculous!
-We did try to protect you

from it, Ty.
Let's get outta here.

Tyrannis: No. If there's a place
in town where people want

to talk about me,
I'm glad I know about it.

And I've got a thing
or two to say to them.

Hippo: Ty! No!

Tyrannis: Attention,
bathhouse trash-talkers!

Man: Oh, no!
King Tyrannis is here?

Tyrannis: Look, I know
you've been coming here

to say bad things
about me.

Well, if anybody's going
to criticize me,

it might as well be the cruelest
me-critic around...me!

And by the way, I realize
that that in itself is pathetic.

If I didn't recognize pathetic,
I'd be baffled every time

I looked in the mirror.
[Laughter]

Shlub: Oh, dear.
What is he doing?

Hippo: He's attempting
to disarm these men

with nothing
but his own self-loathing.

Tyrannis: It's actually kind of
a relief to open up about this.

You're annoyed having me
as king. Imagine being me.

You at least could leave
the city. I'm stuck here!

[Laughter]
Man: Keep going!

-Do something about your ears!
-Or your boring speeches!

-Or the bedwetting!
-Thanks, but I've got this, Dad.

Aphrodite:
Mah! Bah! Vah!

Pan's playful Pegasus pranced
proudly past Poseidon's palace.

Deliria: Oh, very good,
you've got your "puh" sound.

-Hey, you can't be in here!
-That's all right, Mirror Girl.

You're free to go.
Deliria, it's been ages.

Where have you been?
Deliria: Oh, well, you know,

kicked off Olympus
and all that.

-You weren't "kicked off."
-Yes, I was.

Aphrodite: Yeah, you were,
but you've been so brave
about it.

I have so much respect
for you.

Deliria: And I you.
You've really outdone yourself.

Reproduction,
such an interesting theme.

All the fun of sex, just
without--you know,

all the fun of sex.
Consequences only.

Aphrodite:
And what brings you here?
Mortal children gone already?

They grow up and die
so fast, don't they?

Deliria: Look, I need you
to not pick my daughter

for your grand pregnancy
ceremony-charade.

-Oh? Why's that?
-She's actually buying into

whatever it is you're selling.
Aphrodite: Selling?

This is my passion,
Deliria.

It is the result of hard work
and determination.

Deliria: Oh, come off it.
It's another way for you

to get followers
and sell baby crap.

Aphrodite: For someone
asking for a favor,
you sure are flailing.

Deliria: Flailing?
I'm not the one

who's putting my own face
on a nappy!

Aphrodite: You know,
maybe I just will pick

your stupid daughter.

Deliria:
She may be stupid,

but not stupid enough to go
through with this!

Aphrodite: Well,
it's her choice, isn't it?

So I guess we'll just
have to see.

Deliria: Yes, we will!

Aphrodite:
Zeus zapped zephyrs zealously,

as Hera hatched
heavenly havoc.

Tyrannis: And it's like,
if I wanted Krapopolis

to have a zoo so badly,
I should've made the walls

of the lion enclosure taller.
[Laughter]

Man: That lion killed
my sister!

Tyrannis: And don't even get me
started on my fears.

I'm scared of everything:
drowning, choking,

heights, depths,
not knowing the difference

between a dress and a skirt.
Is it the material?

And obviously,
my biggest fear of all,

I'm scared of people
not liking me.

I think it stems
from my childhood.

Anytime I would cry, my mother
would turn me into a rabbit.

Why, you ask?
Because rabbits don't

have tear ducts,
so they can't cry.

And I remember thinking,
as I nibbled on hay and dropped

fecal pellets, that maybe my mom
didn't like me very much.

[Man coughs]
Shlub: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hippo: All right, Ty, this is
maybe getting a little sad.

Tyrannis: You want sad?
Last week, I found a gray hair,

and it got me
so depressed,

I couldn't leave my bed
for 3 days.

Then I got sad for having wasted
so much time being sad

about something so trifling.
And then I got so sad

about getting sad so easily,
I had to go lie down again,

which started the cycle
of sadness all over.

-Too dark!
-You need help!

Tyrannis: Oh, come on,
where's everyone going?

I've got plenty more. I hate
the way I kingsplain everything.

You know what I mean
by kingsplain. I mean, I'm

basically doing it right now.
I can't help myself.

Where'd all the steam go?
Shlub: Even that little fellow

who throws the water
on the hot rocks left.

Hippo: Yeah, you ruined
our bathhouse, Ty.

Tyrannis: Oh, the place where
my brother and father go

without me and have a laugh
with the citizens at my expense?

Hippo: Yes!

Tyrannis: At least
the water guy came back.

-Dad!
-What? Stream to steam!

Women: Hee, hee, hoo, hoo.

Hee, hee, hoo, hoo...
Stupendous: It's weird that they

found a way to make breathing
less intuitive.

Woman: It's making me
lightheaded, and I want
to chase this high!

Deliria: Stupendous, I just
talked to Aphrodite and--

Stupendous: Oh, you meddled?
Shocking.

Deliria: Oh, you know what?
This is your choice.

-Really? Well, in that case--
-I suppose I just have to let

you make your own mess, and I
don't want to waste my time

watching someone mess
herself.

That's more Shlub's thing.

[Fanfare playing,
women cheering]

Aphrodite: Are you ready
to get pregnant?!

-Me! Me!
-Whoo!

Aphrodite: Now's the moment
you've all been waiting for.

If I call on you,
join me on stage,

because, Mama,
you're about to get huge!

-[Cheering]
-This is my favorite part.

I am here for anyone
who wants to do it "natural"!

Aphrodite: You,
with the sack of flour!

You, who needs something to talk
about with her sisters-in-law!

You, with the narrow pelvis!

I'll spread those hips
like butter!

And you, my one-eyed,

broad-shouldered,
pigtailed mama.

-Me?!
-I'm pretty sure she was

pointing at me! Did you mean me
or her? Me, right?

Aphrodite:
Get up here, Stupendous!

You're gonna be
a great mom!

Stupendous: I didn't think
I was gonna get picked.

I--I might need
a second to think.

Woman: What's to think about?
All you need to do from now on

is just make babies.
Stupendous: Babies?

I was thinking more like
a one-and-done situation.

Woman: Oh, no, after your first,
you just keep making more!

You never even have to leave
the babytorium until your tenth,

when you get to take
a vacation at a volcano!

Stupendous: Um, I think I need
to find my mom.

We had a fight
and, you know.

Woman: Oh, you'll never have
to do that again.

They separate you
from your family forever.

You don't even ever come back
from the volcano, as far
as anybody can tell!

Aphrodite: We're waiting,
Stupendous.

Bring those big, sturdy
tree trunk legs up here.

Woman: Her or me?
Just making sure!

Stupendous: I was thinkin'
I would take a pass

on the whole baby thing,
just for now.

-Are you out of your mind?!
-I don't usually agree

with such hysterical women,
but--are you?

Stupendous: No, ho, ho!
I just had a chance
to think about it

and, funny thing, it turns out,
I don't want a baby.

Aphrodite:
I know that's not true.
It's just cold feet.

Stupendous: No, my feet
are fine. It's this part.

No offense to all
you baby crazies.

I don't think you're all being
long-term scammed or anything,

or that motherhood is, like,
a type of slavery.

I mainly just wanted
to rile my mom up.

She treats me like a baby,
acts like I have no agency,

blah blah blah.
Aphrodite: Are you telling me

you used my festival to work out
some kind of personal agenda?!

That doesn't fly here!
You said you wanted a baby!

Well, baby,
you're getting a baby!

Where are you going
with that big, empty womb?

Woman 2: If she doesn't want
hers, I'll take it!

Woman 3: Same!
In my village, women
who don't produce heirs

are turned into ankle bracelets
for their husbands' next wives!

Woman 2: Oh, are you from Ascra?
Do you know Iris Glaukopis?

Woman 3, gasping:
Get out!

Aphrodite:
I chose Stupendous,

and I'll be baby-zapping
Stupendous!

I'm thinking I'll make
this one a redhead.

Stupendous: You're sick!

[Pigs squealing
and oinking]

Aphrodite: Deliria!

-Mom! Where were you?
-The wings!

Now, admit that I was right.

You did not want a baby!

Stupendous: Fine, yes!
I just wanted

to show you I can make
decisions for myself!

Deliria: Well, that was
a risky gamble, don't you think?

Rather proved the opposite
of your point.

Stupendous: Can you please
just help me and we can
talk about it later?!

Aphrodite: Stop using my stage
for your petty squabbling!

This is my show!

Deliria: You know what I always
find funny, Aphrodite?

As the goddess of beauty,
you have infinite forms

you could choose from, and yet
you picked those boobs?

Aphrodite: Small and pointy
is a classic!

It's too bad I'm way more
powerful than you are.

You can't turn me
into a pig, Deliria.

Deliria:
That's not my only thing!

Viktoria: Noooooo!

Woman: Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Woman 2: Ah! Ha ha!

Viktoria: I used to spend
Sundays just reading!

Shlub: You said
some pretty hurtful things

about yourself back there.
Are you all right?

Tyrannis: If anything,
I was holding back.

Hippo: Yikes.
That was holding back?

-I was just trying to own it.
-Well, perhaps that was

the problem, son. You can't own
someone else not liking you.

-Then what can you do?
-What I do: go somewhere else.

Tyrannis: I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have forced you to bring me.

You were just trying
to protect my feelings.

Shlub: I'm afraid you've
awarded us too much credit.

Hippo: Yeah, we weren't thinking
about your feelings.

We were thinking about
our bathhouse experience.

We're the ones who should be
apologizing to you.

Tyrannis: It's OK.
The people have a right

to free speech,
you two included.

Shlub: All right, then I'll
come out and say it if
no one else will:

A little cannibalism should be
welcome in the bedroom.

Hippo: Come on,
let's go grab a drink.

-All of us?
-Obviously.

Jeez, Ty,
you do need help.

Stupendous: I got an idea.

Well, that's not
what I expected.

Deliria: So let me
get this straight.

You got us
into a zap battle

with Aphrodite
because...why again?

Stupendous: I could argue
you got us into a zap battle

by making me come
to this stupid festival!

[Grunts]

And what if I really
did want a kid?

Do you think I'd be such
a terrible mother?

Deliria: Of course not.

There's no such thing
as a terrible mother.

Stupendous: Because, you know,
I might want to one day.

Just not like this.

I mean, what kind of baby
is that even gonna be?

Aphrodite: A ground baby!

Deliria: I'm sorry I'm not
the warmest mother.

But I still don't want
to lose you to Aphrodite.

Stupendous: You can't lose me.
You're my mom.

Deliria:
I think I can end this.

[Grunts]
Oh, Aphrodite?

Isn't this your second
in command?

You know, you're not
the only one

who can zap a baby
into someone.

Aphrodite: You're bluffing.
You don't have the power.

Deliria: Watch me.

Aphrodite: No!
Not my most productive deputy!

I'll never find someone
with her experience

for what I'm offering
in benefits and perks!

Deliria: And if you don't leave
my daughter alone,

I'll do it to all
your best workers.

Aphrodite: Fine, you win!
Oh, get out of here,
both of you!

And Stupe, if you ever
want a baby,

don't expect any help
from me!

Stupendous:
I don't need you.

I can get pregnant
with my mom!

[Connie's belly oinks]

Ty: This was a great idea!
Hippo: We should do this

more often,
the three of us.

Man: Did you hear how Tyrannis
bankrupted the bathhouse?

Man 2: He messed it up just like
he messed up our legal system.

I liked solving disputes
via spanking!

What am I supposed to do
with all my canes and rods?

Hippo: Resist the urge
to outdo them, Ty.

Shlub:
Perhaps someplace quieter?

Hippo: Much better.
Man: Ugh!

This wine tastes
like tar!

Tarmaid: That's because it is
tar. You can thank the king,

who ruined the trade routes
to the good grape regions!

Tyrannis: Trying to end this
will just make it worse.

-That's right.
-I was ready to die.

I'd done everything
I wanted to. Now this.

Tyrannis: Well, we've come to
something that isn't my fault.

Viktoria: Now I have to get
a second job as a tarmaid

in order to afford a child,
because this city

is so expensive,

which is your fault.

Tyrannis: She is so old.

-Right?!
-Put my name down!

Man: Did you get any of that?

Woman: Bento.