All language subtitles for Family Guy s23e03 Drunk With Power.eng

? It seems today
that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

Good morning.
I've come down to this floor

because corporate
has figured out

a new revenue stream:
giving tours of the brewery.

And Peter, I've chosen you
for the job.

That's great!

Let me just call my old boss
and tell him to shove it.

[phone rings]

-Hello?
-Mr. Lloyd?

This is Peter Griffin.
I quit.

And I never sent in my pledge

for your niece's
"Stand Up to Cancer" 5K.

Hey, how's your niece,
by the way, she doing all right?

-Very sick.
-Ah, terrific.

Well, it was an honor
just to help.

Now, here's everything
you'll need to be a tour guide-

a blazer five people
hung themselves in,

khakis that look dirty

no matter how many times
you wash them,

and a wet, brown banana
for lunch.

Awesome. I love
telling people where to go,

like when I cased that
McDonald's for The Hamburglar.

There. At 11:45,

they take the grease traps
out the back door.

You sneak right in and take
all the hamburgers you want.

-Robble, robble.
-Hey, man,

I thought you just wanted
to score some hamburgers.

These kids
don't have to die, man.

Robble. Robble.

Okay, take it easy. Be cool.
I don't want any robble.

Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin,
and welcome to the brewery tour.

All right, quick quiz-

how many of you have heard
of beer before?

Wow, half. That's pretty good.

You can get a little closer,
gang, I don't bite.

-Ow!
-Too close!

And we're proud to say
that Pawtucket Ale

is responsible for 99%
of all DUIs in Rhode Island.

Fascinating.

Hey, shouldn't you be
doing the news?

Oh, no, no, we're doing
a "Best of News Bloopers."

Now, an update.
Apparently,

the "Touth Sower"
has just collapsed.

Tou- "Touth Sower?"
What?

"Touth-"
Okay, let's go again.

I'm Tom Tower-
Holy crap.

And now, please enjoy
a virtual reality experience

about our founder,
Pawtucket Pat,

in these headsets
that are definitely clean.

Hi, I'm Casey Affleck,
aka Pawtucket Pat.

I signed a contract to do this,

then learned it filmed
the same day

as Ben and J. Lo's wedding.

Yet another great decision
by ol' Case.

You'll cut that, right?

Pawtucket Pat came to America
from England in 1771,

looking for a better life.

The seas were very rough.

Pretty realistic, right?

[all shouting]

When Pat finally
reached the shore,

the natives welcomed him
with a flurry of arrows

to his colonial penis.

[all screaming]

Dear God,
why's we experiencing this?

Please save your questions
for the end.

In 1776, Pat refused to sign
the Declaration of Independence,

saying the only thing
we need independence from

is wives who won't let us drink.

He left Philadelphia, uttering
several anti-Italian slurs

on his way out of town,
all of which are true.

Unfortunately, he didn't
realize Philadelphia is built

on a platform 9,000 feet
in the air.

[horse neighs]

[all screaming]

Just take off your headsets.

AFFLECK:
The fall proved to be fatal.

Oh, yeah, and right before
Pawtucket Pat died,

he pooped his pants.

We have pants available
in the gift shop.

Okay, so now how many of you
know what beer is?

So we did learn. Great.

Okay, before we wrap it up,
any questions? Yes?

How come Jeff Bezos wears
that big, weird cowboy hat

when he rides his spaceship?

I-I don't- I don't know, Joe.

Well, that's the tour, folks.
Please either tip me

or shamefully avoid eye contact
on the way out.

Coward.

Coward. Coward.

Coward.

Friggin' cheapskate.

Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.

There's a VIP who wants
a tour of the brewery,

and it's a bit
of a sensitive matter.

-It's Brett Kavanaugh.
-Brett Ratner?

-No. That's Brett Ratner.
-Brett Favre?

No. That's a different
scumbag Brett.

I'm talking about
the Supreme Court Justice.

He'd like to take the tour,
and I don't want a spectacle.

Sure. I don't got a problem
with anyone

except
Jennifer Connelly's husband.

-[guest whoops] I love beer!
-That's him now.

Hello, your judgesty,
Peter Griffin.

Hey, just call me Brett.
All right, guys, skedaddle.

I'm so pumped.

I've toured every brewery
in the country

except this one.
I love beer!

Yeah, you've screamed
that twice now.

I scream it all the time.
It's kind of how I got my job.

-Me too.
-That's awesome.

Tour time.
I love beer!

Then you'll love
all the dull trivia behind it.

Peter, I don't want
some normie dork tour.

Look at us.
We're bloated kindred spirits.

We even look alike.

We're in love
with the same mistress, Peter.

And you know everything
about her-

her moods,
her little whims, her musk.

Show me her world, Peter.

Show me your... beer.

Double keg stand.
Are there any chicks watching?

No. Even better, just guys.

One thing I do know-

beer can only be drunk
in an upright body position.

Uh, Keith? I'm gonna ask you
to turn around for a sec,

and... [chuckles]
you're gonna feel pretty silly.

[gulping]

Yes. We got to experience
what it's like to be beer.

And we drank our own pee
in the can.

-No, we didn't.
-Right. No, yeah, right.

Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool
for a Supreme Court justice.

That's all I want people to say.

Last one in's a rotten egg!

I will not be a rotten egg.

Bro, let's see who can
get the reddest the fastest.

I'm very drunk, Peter.
There are a lot of yous.

I see a lot of yous.

-Synchronized swimming?
-You know it.

[orchestral music playing]

?

All people want to do
is scream at me

in steakhouses
about women's bodies.

Yeah.
My wife hates you,

which kind of makes me
secretly like you.

Hey, Brett?
Do you think that we'll still

-be friends at college?
-I don't know, man.

Oh, my God,
we were super drunk last night.

Did I accidentally
kill Brett Kavanaugh?

"Dear Peter, why did you
accidentally kill me?

"Just kidding.
I don't want my life anymore.

"You take it. Brett.
"PS, this is the first time

"I've ever put clothes on anyone

without their consent.
Ha, ha, ha."

-[knocking]
-[handler] Justice Kavanaugh?

[sighs] It's him.

Did you guys see that chick
in accounting?

Boy, I'd like to hustle her
up some stairs against her will.

-It's really him.
-All right, let's get him back

to the Supreme Court
of the United States of America,

where he serves
a lifetime appointment

as one of only nine
Senate-confirmed justices.

It's so cool that a guy
named Brett gets to decide

if women can have abortions.

[clears throat]

So, anyone watch anything
interesting last night?

[Clarence Thomas]
Okay, I'm finally gonna say something.

Or would it be weird,
after being here 30 years,

if the first thing I say is,
"I like Shark Tank"?

You can do this, Clarence.
Here goes.

-[inhales]
-[door opens]

There he is.
Hey, Kavanaugh.

Sorry I'm late.
The steps outside

are perfect for a slinky.

Ah, I love
your refreshing honesty, Brett.

Dears, can I get
a cup of coffee?

Brett, we're Justices
Sotomayor and Barrett.

Right, sorry.

Hon, coffee?

No, I'm Justice
Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Yes, and I will definitely
remember your name

and not butcher it
relentlessly going forward.

-Toots, coffee?
-Stick it, Brett.

I'm Justice Elena Kagan.
Ha-cha-cha.

Okay, ready
for our morning introduction?

[fanfare playing]

[Narrator]
Gathered together from Harvard and Yale-

except the last lady
Trump appointed-

are the most boring forces
of good ever assembled.

John Roberts.

Clarence Thomas
and Samuel Alito.

Elena Kagan.

[growling]

Ah.

Get a visible car, bitch.

[narrator] Sonya Sotomayor
is Aquaman in this, I guess.

And the Wonder Twins,
Barrett and Brown Jackson.

We hate each other, though.

[narrator]
With their space monkey, Kavanaugh.

It's me, Peter. [giggles]

Ah.

[narrator]
They're trying not to die

until someone
from their party is presiden.

These are the Supreme Friends.

All right, let's pick a case.

We've got a bakery that won't
bake a cake for a gay wedding,

a bakery that won't bake a cake
for a trans anniversary,

a bakery that won't bake a cake
for a dog's birthday-

Is it just all people
mad about cakes?

It's mostly cakes, yes.

Although there is this case,

Hometown Buffet
v. Peter Griffin.

If the steaming hot dog water
is on the buffet table,

it is part of the buffet.

What'll it be, fellas?

-Three beers.
-Sorry, can't. We're all out.

What? How is that possible?

"The Kav" drank it all.

Ugh. Brett Kavanaugh.

-I hate that guy.
-Me too.

'Sup, I'm the Kav.
Mind if I sit down?

-Kind of.
-Come on, I know my reputation,

but can't we have one beer?

Fine. One beer.

-You guys play golf?
-Occasionally.

You ever hit the ball
and it doesn't go

where you thought it would?

Sometimes.

You ever putt
and it just, like, misses?

Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.

You ever get stuck
in a sand trap

and you can't stop crying
'cause deep down

you know your dad hates you?

Brett Kavanaugh,
you're all right.

Guys, we got to party together.

This weekend?
Squee's mom's beach house?

-Sounds epic.
-Party at the shore.

What's the stair
situation there?

There's a flight of stairs
to get in.

Okay, we should probably
Airbnb another place.

-Still in.
-100% in.

Well, we can figure that out
later as a group.

Therefore, in order to qualify

for a hardship exemption
under Section 7545-09BI-

Guys, I think I have a way
to make this more interesting.

-With regard to the claim
of forum non conveniens- -[Peter] Boo!

We're not turning for that.

[clears throat]

? Tastes like strawberries ?

? On a summer evening ?

? And it sounds
just like a song ?

? I want more berries ?

? And that summer feeling ?

? It's so wonderful and warm ?

? Watermelon sugar high ?

? Watermelon sugar
high ?

? Watermelon sugar high ?

? Watermelon sugar
high. ?

That was a great idea,
everybody.

Let's take lunch.

Hey, how about today
we eat at the Mall?

[Thomas]
Okay, Clarence,

there's never gonna be
a better setup to make

your "Supreme Food Court" joke.
Here goes.

Hey, if we're going to the Mall,

how about we eat
at the Supreme Food Court?

[laughing]

[Thomas]
It's like he heard my thought.

[Peter]
That's right, Clarence. I can hear thoughts.

But it only works
on white-haired black guys.

Do you want to know
how Danny Glover

really felt about Mel Gibson?

-Lois, what's going on with-
-My hair? My beard?

Because you took a lifetime
appointment in Washington,

I'm doing everything.

Sorry I haven't had
a second to wax and dye mysel.

Well, that'll make him
want to come back.

Lois, this is the first time
in our marriage

I've ever done anything for me.

[sputters] What?! I've let yu
drink with your friends

at a bar every night
for the last 22 years.

Oh, I just knew you'd hold that
against me at some point.

You know, Peter,
if you took it seriously,

being on the Supreme Court
is actually a huge opportunity.

Hmm. How so?

The New York Times is reporting

that tomorrow
the court is hearing a case

-to repeal gay marriage.
-They are?

You could potentially
help save the families

of millions of gay Americans.

You know, Brian's right, Peter.

I am tired of your shenanigans,

but this- this is a chance
to do some real good.

Peter, would you stop playing
with filters and listen to me?

Okay, I've taken my filters off.

-Peter...
-What? I've just been drinking a lot of water.

Do you, uh...
do you have an OnlyFans?

I just sent you a DM.
My wish list is in my bio.

All right, Brett,
we're deadlocked four to four.

Are you going to vote
to repeal gay marriage or not?

Okay, so "yes" means
no gay marriage?

-Yes.
-And "no" means yes gay marriage?

-Yes.
-Do you mean "yes" as in "no" or "no" as in "yes"?

God, Kavanaugh,
you're like a dog with a bone

with this "no means yes" stuff.

Gay marriage-
what is your decision?

Well, Alito's right,

the Constitution says nothing
to protect gay marriage.

Yes! Fetuses will be
so psyched to hear that.

But also, all people are equal
under the law,

which is why we must
not only ban gay marriage,

we have to ban
straight marriage.

Then let's do it!
I hate my crazy wife!

[panting]

I did it. I spoke.

[Ginni Thomas]
Clarence, you forgot your lunch.

Thanks, baby.

Ugh. It sucks that
this is the only hat

to overthrow democracy in.

This is absurd.
We can't ban all marriage.

The whole point of not being gay
is to get extra stuff.

Sam, say I invite you out
for a beer right now.

Could you do it
or would you have to ask?

I'd have to ask.

Ask to have a beer?

How is that freedom?

You know what freedom is?

Imagine you can't
forget your anniversary.

Imagine it's illegal
to have in-laws.

Imagine a whole bathroom sink
with just a toothbrush on it.

This sounds sexist.

Imagine a bar of soap
in the shower

-with no pubes on it.
-Touch�.

You know,
this would stop everyone

from asking,
"How come she's not married?"

I just need one more vote.
Roberts?

I don't know.

No more wedding cakes
means no more lawsuits.

We'd be done by 11:00 every day

-the rest of our lives.
-In.

We did it, guys. We changed
the way everything works

without asking anyone,

just like America wants.

?

[whooping, cheering]

You got to love
small beach towns

with no economic opportunities.

They should have
a wet undies contest for guys.

-Shut up, Joe.
-Men should not say "undies."

[emcee]
And the winner of $18

and a free
base-level car wash is...

Diana DiGuacamo!

What? That's insane!

-[shouts, grunts]
-Whoa, Kav.

What the hell?
Amber should have won.

Why are you so mad?
Diana had the nicest bazongas.

Look at the banner, Glenn.

It's not a nicest
bazongas contest,

it's a wet T-shirt contest.

And Amber's shirt
was the wettest.

But, Brett, surely
the spirit of the tilt

is to reward
the most comely bosom.

Then why have T-shirts at all?

Why not just hand the trophy

to the woman with
the biggest milk monsters?

Kav, you're spitting
little pieces of barf

absolutely everywhere.

Wet T-shirt contests have rules.

That's all that
separates us from animals.

Sir, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

I just need to make a brief,
passionate speech.

Okay, I'll come back.

I like rules.
And I like beer.

And I used to think
I had to choose

between making
arbitrary regulations

that govern every aspect
of everyone's life

and getting blackout drunk 24/7,

but I don't have to choose.

I can do both.
I can do both!

Uh, Brett, you're peeing
on yourself.

Guys, I got to get back to D.C.

But first,
let's write down everything

in our calendars that happened
the last three days.

-Why?
-So 30 years from now

we can prove
we didn't rape anyone.

Wait, how would an old,

handwritten calendar
prove anything?

Trust me, it's enough.

Adios, bros.

That guy was a little creepy,
even for me.

Thanks for coming to D.C.
to help me, Brian.

Of course.
I can't believe they chose you

to write
a Supreme Court opinion.

They must really trust you.

Actually, I was just
the last judge to say "not it."

Gorsuch said "not it infinity"
at the beginning of the day,

-so he was immune.
-What can I do to help?

Can you send Lauren Boebert
a "You up?" text?

She's already blocked my number.

Sir, I've written my opinion.

-Is this a joke?
-No.

Even though Tom Cruise
smiles all the time,

he is incapable of joking, sir.

Kavanaugh,
I've had it with you.

You're constantly late, drunk,

and somehow don't even know
the basics of the law.

I've never done this before,

nor do I have the authority
to do so, but you're fired.

-[door opens]
-[Brett] That's not Brett Kavanaugh!

I am.

And I can prove it.

No, that's okay.

Now that you're both
in front of me,

it's glaringly obvious.

We should really get seats
that face each other.

Well, now that that
distraction's out of the way,

let's get back to banning
only gay marriage,

like the Founding Fathers
intended.

Sir, you need to leave.

I just need to say one thing.

Sure, I'll work
around your schedule.

Okay, so I'm not a judge,

but let's talk about
the Founding Fathers.

If a guy who was five feet tall,
had a mouthful of wooden teeth,

and pooped in a flowerpot
walked in here right now,

would you say,
"Let's do everything he says"?

Or, "Maybe we can think
of something better"?

So, you really want
to stick it to gay people?

I mean, that's kind of

why the Federalist Society
put me here, yeah.

Then why let
gay people sleep in,

have their own bathrooms,
and eat every meal at a bistro?

Why should gays get to wear
white jeans, host the Tonys

and have endless casual sex?

You want to take away
their freedom?

Let them get married.

Huh.
Maybe you're not an idiot.

I'm not,
I'm-I'm just a visual learner.

A toast to Peter Griffin,

who brought some common sense
to this court.

I didn't.
Beer did.

Thanks, booze.

Hey, this is non-alcoholic.

I've learned my lesson.

I've listened,
grown and changed.

I swear on the Bible.

[thud]

[insects trilling]

Son of a bitch
slipped me a Mickey.

I'm proud of you, Peter.

I don't know how you did it,
but you preserved gay marriage.

Oh, I just told them
how happy we are,

and how everyone
deserves that for themselves.

-Aw.
-Well, like every political figure

with a conflicted
conscience in movies,

I now have to go spend a night
at the Lincoln Memorial.

I wish I knew
what you were thinking.

Did they invent
bulletproof theater helmets yet?

No, we just accept
that anyone could get shot

anywhere at any time.

Well, as long as
my beloved Republican party

is still upholding
the traditions of Honest Abe.

[sad trombone plays]

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