All language subtitles for Br.2009

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What's up? I'm Br�no.

I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna.
No big deal. Whatever.

I am the host of Funkyzeit,

the most important TV fashion show
in any German-speaking country,

apart from Germany.

Funkyzeit is �ber influential.

In fact, Austrian fashionistas live their lives
according to my "In or Out" list.

In! Autism.

Aus. Chlamydia.

Why is autism so cool at the moment?

-Because it's funny.
-Great.

Through Funkyzeit,
ich have done interviews

mit everyone in the Euro-fashion world.

Can you look into this camera and just say,

"You're watching Funkyzeit mit Br�no"?

You are watching Funkyzeit programme
with Br�no, and it's really a great show.

Yeah, that's cool. Can you do it, like,
even more like a kind of black guy?

You know, like an afrikanischer...

-Like this?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are watching
Funkyzeit programme with Br�no.

Yo, man. Fuck, man. Welcome to the jungle.

Something maybe a bit more crazy.

Maybe show a bit of skin
or something like that.

-No, I don't think so.
-Or what about just like one Kugelsack?

One of the balls?

No.

And the most exciting
and amazing thing in the town,

from the fashion streets of Milan,
only for the German girls, my great hairs.

Yo, man.

Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy.

But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it?

It's very hard. Standing in heels all day,
and everyone's watching you,

so you have to make sure your walk is good.
And, yeah.

Yeah, it's really hard,
'cause you've gotta remember, like,

to put your right leg forward
and then put your left leg forward

and then, like, which one now?

Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.
And then sometimes you even have to turn.

Yeah. And especially the turn. It's so scary.

Being the host from Funkyzeit

means Br�no's always
seated on the front row.

Hi. How are you?

You have to lose some weight.

-The kettle is calling the pot black.
-Yeah?

Put your shoulders back.
This is a fashion show, not a slave auction.

Mein personal assistant,
Kookus, is my rock.

He's also mein stylist.

-Do you think the glasses are too much?
-Yeah, I'd lose them.

They're too much like, "Look at me.

"Hey, everybody, look at me.
Look at my glasses."

-Yeah.
-"Everybody, like, stare at my glasses."

He's also my nutritionist.

Yeah, that is good.

I have a second assistant,
but ich can't remember its name.

Br�no has known true love twice in his life.

Once, for 7 minutes with Milli from
Milli und Vanilli. No big deal. Whatever.

But for the last 9 years,
ich have been head �ber heels in love

mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel.

We're just like an ordinary couple,
you know, boring, stay-at-home types.

-Oh, my God. I feel it.
You're getting so big. -Ja.

-How much do you want?
-Just half a glass. Otherwise I get too giggly.

In September 2008,
I left for Milan Fashion Week

to shoot a new season of Funkyzeit.

Br�no had backstage access for
the hottest show of the week, de la Prada.

So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,
a suit made entirely out of Velcro.

I'm wearing this.

This is a prototype.
It's a Velcro suit made by Frederic Worms.

Pretty cool, right?

It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one?

-Well, it's a prototype. It's a one-off.
-Okay.

-Thank you.
-Yeah. Okay...

-Also... Yeah.
-Can you go out, please?

We'll get out, but don't push me.

Yeah. Okay, no listen.
We haven't finished the thing.

-You go out now.
-Yeah.

Yeah, wait a second.

Take... Get this off...

Stop!

-Thank you.
-Can someone help this guy?

Can you take...

Wait. Get me out of this.
Get me out of this.

Br�no was aus.

For the second time in a century,

the world had turned
on Austria's greatest man

just because he was brave enough
to try something new.

-No.
-Okay.

Br�no was schwarz-listed.

-I'm on the front row.
-I don't think so.

I'm sorry.

Und worst of all...

Hello?

...ich was fired from Funkyzeit.

Ich realised that night that the fashion world
was superficial und vacuous.

So, I decided instead to go to Los Angeles
to become a celebrity.

Ich was going to be
the biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler.

What? I'm not coming.

-Why not?
-Because you out. You humiliate me.

-I'm so sorry I humiliate you.
-Okay. Gotta go.

Bye, baby, I love you.

Diesel, I love you. Diesel.

Ich arrived in LA

und cunningly avoided
being snapped by the waiting paparazzi.

No photos, please. Do you want
another Diana on your hands?

Mein Plan was to become

the biggest gay movie star
since Schwarzenegger.

Maximum Santzgaut!

Also, ich headed to my first meeting
mit a Hollywood �ber agent.

So my name's Br�no.
I was born in Klagenfurt.

I'm 19 years old. And, of course,
you'll know me as the host of Funkyzeit.

Okay. Well, I understand
that you took a look at a side

that I wanted you to think about
from the Jerry Maguire show.

And I wouldn't mind
hearing you try that out.

Okay, great.

-"Jerry enters."
-No.

-"Dorothy seated."
-Just start with the word "hello."

"Hello. Hello.

"I'm looking for my wife!

-"Shut up, women." That was improvisation.
-Fine.

"I couldn't hear your voice
or laugh about it with you."

-All right, let me stop... Wait.
-No, wait, wait. I...

Let me stop for 2 minutes.
Let me stop you right there.

Nowhere in the script does it say

he pauses for an inordinate period of time.

You're here because
you are looking to do feature films.

I wanna be a star.

-In?
-In a huge Hollywood movie.

-Can you make that happen?
-No.

-What?
-I definitely cannot.

But he did get me a starring role
in a top TV show as an extra.

All right, picture's next.
Last looks, please.

Set.

-Background.
-Action.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

it gives me no pleasure at all
to speak to you this afternoon.

The defendant, as you know,

has served our municipality
for more than 12 years as city controller.

So I was pained to learn that his debts

compelled him to accept
hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes.

-Cut!
-Just do a little bit less.

-More or less?
-Less.

-Less. Okay.
-Yeah.

Sure. Thank you.

-Set.
-Action.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at all
to speak to you this afternoon.

As you know, the defendant has
served our municipality as city controller

for more than 12 years,

and I have known him personally
for most of that time.

So I was very pained to learn that

his personal debts
compelled him to accept bribes.

-Cut!
-Here, I'll take that.

-Okay.
-Thank you.

Sorry.

-Should we just go again?
-Okay.

As you know, the defendant

has served this municipality as
city controller for more than 12 years,

and I have personally known him
for most of that time.

That is why I was very pained to learn...

Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one.
Could we go again?

This way.

You were actually my second choice.

I was going to go to the salon that maintains
Salma Hayek's inner thighs,

but the team that do it were booked up
for the next 4 days

because she's got the Elle Style Awards.

And they said they're, like, really,
really exhausted after they do her.

They're exhausted
after they wax Salma Hayek?

She must have a lot of hair.

They say that after a waxing,
there's enough to stuff a mattress.

Well. Speaking of rectums,
let's get you clean.

-Okay. There we go.
-There's not much.

Yeah, sure.

There you go. Now there's wax in there.

Telephone.

-Hello?
-Hey, how you doing, man?

Lloyd, hi. How are you?

I just got off the phone with the network.
They've agreed to do a screening.

Great! Das is all maximum Santzgaut!

In 2 days. I got them to pay
for a focus group for the show.

I think you just scraped my anus.

I did. I got you clean.

My stinker is slightly burning.
Is that normal?

What?

No, that was to the lady who is...
I'm in the salon, yes.

She's just washing my Arschwitz.

Is there any way we can get something
together enough to put it on?

-Okay, sure.
-All right. I'm gonna call them right now.

Are you using Vaseline?

No, lotion.

Could you take your finger
out of my Arschenholer?

All right. I think, guys, we're finished.

Once again, "Can you take my finger,
your finger out of my ass,"

is what the guy just said on the phone.

No, Lloyd, I was not speaking to you.
I was just talking to the woman here.

Who's got the audio?

I want to hear the audio back.
I want you to hear...

I want you to hear what this fool is saying.

Play it back. Talking about what?
His asshole.

Can you be quiet?

Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in?

Do any of you guys
want to make some more money?

-Hi. How are you?
-Hi.

-I'm Br�no. Great to have you here.
-It's nice to meet you.

Come and sit on our great furniture.

These are our Mexican chair people.

Demi Moore has 2 of them in her house.

Yeah, if you sit here.

If you sit on that one.

Also, so tell me about
your humanitarian work.

How important is it for you
to help other people?

Helping other people is so vital to my life.

It's like the air that I breathe
and the water that I drink.

-Please, have some water.
-It is extremely, extremely important for me.

You give love to other people
and you get love back in spades.

And I just feel like that's been my life.

Great. You must be hungry.
Let's bring in some food.

Oh, my God.

-Have some.
-Yeah, this is really bad for me.

I'm sorry. This is really not good.

We're leaving.

Come back, please.
Can you please come back?

Yes, yes, I understand.
But I was thinking...

Okay, but... Okay. Okay.

Yes. Thank you.

Minimum Santzgaut.

Puffy Vater?

Reese Witterspinzel?

Stevie Wunderbar?

Wilhelm Schmidt?

Bradolf Pittler?

I think this focus group is really gonna be

a very interesting example
of how it's gonna play out.

I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford.

-Very good. Very good.
-Yes.

So, you probably already know, today
we're going to be looking at a new TV show,

A-List Celebrity Max Out mit Br�no.

-Howdy, I'm Lloyd Robinson.
-Lloyd, Denny Bond.

Hi. Hi. Great.

Me und Lloyd, we haven't actually spoke
since the other day

when I was getting my anus bleached.

We won't go there, please.

-We won't go there. Yeah.
-That was a very

difficult issue on the phone.

And it's very important
what scores you give it,

because if the show scores over an 85%,,

the network's obviously gonna be
very interested. So take a look.

-Absolutely.
-Congratulations.

Who's ready to max out
with loads of celebrities? I am.

Because das ist A-List Celebrity Max Out.

-How are you?
-Great. Thank you for having me.

Okay, so this is the part of the show,

it's called Future Kinder.
People who are pregnant,

we've managed to get the ultrasound photos.

-It's totally great.
-Okay.

Okay, it is Britney's sister.
I can't even remember her name.

-What's her name?
-Jamie Lynn.

Jamie Lynn Spears.
I mean, is she a celebrity?

No.

Okay, let's see
what she's got in her stomach.

All right. What do you think there?
Is that a white-trash foetus?

Yeah. Totally.

She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister.

Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb.
Am I right?

Worse. I think, like, D.

Do you think this kid is retarded?

Definitely the hands look way too big,

and the ears, like,
have not been developed yet.

-Yeah, so keep it or abort it?
-Abort it.

Und now, my exclusive interview
mit Harrison Ford

is only moments away.
But first, some more dancing mit Br�no.

That's right.
It's the time you've all been waiting for.

It's my one-on-one,
exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford.

-Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford.
-Fuck off!

What's that?

That's actually mine.

-More champagne?
-No, I'm fine, thanks.

Br�no!

The end bit was Lloyd's idea.

The last bit was? Lloyd's?

So if you could
describe this show in one sentence...

Can anybody give me one sentence?

-Go ahead.
-The worst piece of crap I have ever seen.

There's always one who's against it. Those...

In any group, there's always one.

What sick human being came up
with something like this?

Well, there's always 2.
There's always 2.

I wanted to poke my eyes out
with hot needles.

You'd have to borrow the needles from me.

Lloyd, we need to distract him

-from listening to this.
-You can't. You can't.

-We need to distract him.
-You can't.

-Kiss me.
-No.

No logical person
would consider a show like this

unless they had
some sort of a mental or moral defect.

Everything.

Oh, my God.

Let me have a look at those.

"The host is a talentless idiot."

Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot?

-I would say that it is.
-Yeah, yeah.

Please, where you going?

Please, this is my career.
I put all my money into this.

I'm here with Congressman Ron Paul,

who was the 2008 presidential candidate.

So tell me, who are you wearing?

Well, I don't even know
because it's pretty conventional.

And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary.

But the message is not ordinary.

Sure.

-Do you want some champagne?
-I don't care for any. No.

There's no ice bucket,
but I know a good place to put it.

Yeah, you were great in there.
Have you done a lot of television before?

Well, off and on throughout the years.
This last year, a tremendous amount.

-Sure.
-I do a lot of them.

Do you want some strawberries

-or maybe some oysters?
-No, I'm okay.

I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay.

Really loosens you up.

Has anyone ever told you
you look like Enrique Iglesias?

Of course not. You're much cuter.

I love music.

And dancing. I used to be a dancer.

-All right! Get out of here!
-What?

-All right, this has ended.
-What's going on?

That guy is queerer than the blazes.
He took his clothes off. Let's get going.

-What happened?
-He's queer. He's crazy.

He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off.

I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul.

How would I become weltfamous?

Ich decided to seek advice
from the wisest guy I'd ever known.

I wanna speak to Milli

from the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli.

Is he in heaven?
And if so, is he in the VIP section there?

He says he's in a place
with green trees and flowers.

Can I ask him if he has any advice for me?

He says there's some sort of thing that you
will set up, like a foundation or something,

where there will be other people involved
that will benefit.

Okay, that's a great idea, 'cause if I do that,
then I'll definitely become world famous.

Absolutely.

There's something that he could do
that could make me incredibly happy.

-Can I kiss him now?
-Of course.

Well, good luck with your life.

Thanks to Milli,
ich could now see clearly

despite having an eyeful of Schpunken.

Charity was a great way to become famous.

Also, Br�no just needed to find
the hottest world tragedy to fix.

I want a charity that doesn't involve
too much effort,

but is gonna really make a difference,
you know, really put me into the A-list.

Is there something that you, like,
that you believe in?

Well, I'm really into issues.

Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse.

-So...
-Great.

Now, I think that would be...
That's something to get involved now,

so, we can just help ease the...

Like, after us, in order to help for our future.

In order for everyone... It's just
a beneficial thing to be involved with now.

I'm really into doing something
maybe for Africa.

-Okay.
-Is that still cool or...

Saving some kind of extinct animal.
What's going extinct right now?

-I don't know, like elephants or something.
-And then make bracelets?

That's so bad. Never mind.
I was gonna say make bracelets out of a...

Make bracelets out of the extinct animal?

That's not gonna really work though,
because you need the...

You can't take from the extinct animal.

What's the coolest type of charity
to get into at the moment?

Save Dafar?

-Save what?
-Save Dafar.

-Save Dafar, yeah.
-Angelina Jolie.

Is that in, like, Iraqi or something like that?

Yeah, that's in the... It's in... Yeah.

Yeah.

Is there anywhere in the world
that no celebrity has tried to fix?

Darfur is the big one now.

-Yeah, no, it is.
-What's the new one? What's Dar-five?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Ich was going to become famous
by solving a world problem.

But which one?

Clooney's got Darfur.

Sting's got the Amazon,
and Bono's got AIDS.

Luckily, there was still one shithole
left to fix,

the Middle-earth.

Mein Plan was to get both sides to sign
a peace deal in front of the world's press,

making Br�no �ber famous.

Hi, I love your hat. It's great.

Hey, great. Is that Marc Jacobs?

Lutz! Lutz! Start the car!

Lutz!

Why are you so anti-hummus?

I mean, isn't pita bread the real enemy?

You're confusing Hamas
with hummus, I believe.

-Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.
-Do you think

there is a relation
between Hamas and hummus?

So was the founder of Hamas a chef?

He had created the food
and then got lots of followers.

Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.
It's a food. Okay? We eat it. They eat it.

It's vegetarian. It's healthy. It's beans.

Well, do you both agree on that?

We both agree that hummus is very healthy.

So we're making progress.

Let's try and get a solution, right?

'Cause I'm not gonna be here forever.
Will you, the Palestinians,

agree to give the pyramids back
to the Israelis?

This is in Egypt. Not in Palestine.

I don't care where you put them.
Give them back.

This is about gaining something
for your own people

whether you believe it,
whether you were convinced to do that.

-But in any case...
-All right, okay. Take it easy, girlfriend.

-All right.
-Civil rights...

If I did not get these queens
to sign a peace deal soon,

I would not become famous.

So I decided to think outside
the Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung.

I've written a song that I think
is gonna help us make peace.

In fact, I know it will.

I've written a song

that I hope is gonna bring you two together

It's time for this war to end

Jews and Hindus, you be friends

This is the Middle East

Creating love is my mission

Don't kill each other

Shoot a Christian

Ich bin Br�no, dove of peace

Ich bin Br�no, dove of peace

Ich bin Br�no, dove of peace

Yeah, a bit more than that.

Ich was out of options.

My song hadn't worked, und I didn't have
enough ecstasy for everyone.

Ich was ready to give up
when I suddenly remembered something

that the Jude had said.

In the last few years,
people were kidnapped,

and then they would
broadcast it to the whole world.

-To the whole world?
-Yeah.

So what, the whole world gets to see

-these hostage videos?
-Of course. Of course.

Ich would become famous
by getting kidnapped.

I am going to say something
that is gonna get you so angry

that if you've got a gun on you,
you're gonna pull it out

-and shoot me in the head. Are you ready?
-Yeah.

Your hair is sun damaged.

I'll be honest with you. I want to be famous.

And I want the best guys in the business
to kidnap me. Al-Qaeda is so 2001.

I don't like.

Can I give you guys a word of advice?

Lose the beards, because your King Osama

looks like a kind of dirty wizard
or a homeless Santa.

Get out. Get out now.

Ich was encouraged
to leave the Middle East.

Ich was encouraged
to leave the Middle East.

But Br�no had a new plan.

It involved stopping off in Africa

on the way home for a little bit of shopping.

Mein little afrikanischer
Freund was going to get me

on the cover of every magazine.

Also, ich hired a top photographer

und held a casting for
the hottest baby photo shoot ever.

We're gonna do like this religious theme

where my baby is gonna be
on a crucifix playing Jesus

even though my baby's black.
So it's pretty cool, no?

That's cool.
It's kind of like that Madonna video.

Yeah, it's really edgy.
You know, we're turning it on its head.

Why not? Come on. Whatever.

So. We're looking for 2 thieves
to be on the crucifixes next to my baby.

Would you be ready for your baby
to be strung up on a crucifix next to mine?

Fine. Yeah, I don't mind her
being up on a crucifix.

Sure.

Is your baby comfortable with bees,
wasps and hornets?

George is comfortable with everything.
He's fine.

Is he comfortable with dead
or dying animals?

Yes.

Great.

Amateur science?

What do you mean by that?

You know, some untrained people
conducting scientific experiments.

-Should be fine.
-You know,

her mixing the pots of acid and that type...

-Okay.
-And so it's a yes.

-Yes.
-Great.

Is she okay with
extremely rapid acceleration?

Yes.

-Okay.
-Yes.

Does she always have to be in a car seat,
or can she just, like, freestyle it?

Yeah. You can freestyle it,
put her in a car seat. Whatever.

If it looks better without the car seat...

Of course. Of course.

So what? You're travelling fast.
You're not gonna kill it.

Of course. Of course.

Is your baby fine
with antiquated heavy machinery?

Yeah, she's fine. She's been around that.

Would she be fine to operate them?

-Yes.
-Great.

Is your baby fine with lit phosphorus?

Yes.

Excellent. Does he like it?

-Loves it.
-Good.

A little sensitive subject here.
How much does she weigh?

She's about 30 pounds.

-Thirty pounds.
-Yes. Approximately.

Can Olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week?

In the next week, 7 days.

Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could.

If there's a problem losing the weight,

would you be ready to have Olivia
undergo liposuction?

If that was a last resort
and she didn't lose the few pounds,

then, yeah, we'd have to do that.

Great. Fantastisch news.

We have chosen your baby
to be dressed as a Nazi officer

pushing a wheelbarrow with another baby
as a Jew in it into an oven.

Into an oven?

Congratulations. How do you feel?

-Great, if she got the job. That's great.
-Yeah.

O.J., you're going to be on television.

Welcome back to Today with Richard Bey.

Now, our next guest is a single parent.
Please welcome Br�no.

Where are you from?

I'm from Austria.

Austria. And what are your impressions
of the American people?

You see a lot of them out here.

I gotta say, I love American people,
and I love African-American people.

You're the best. You guys are the best.

All right, all right.
Now, you are a single parent.

-Yeah.
-Most people think that a child

should have 2 parents.

It is, like, really difficult, you know,

bringing up a child without another parent.
Am I right?

-Right.
-Right.

I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone.
Am I right?

True that. True that.

I'm hoping that I find Mr. Right. Am I right?

-No!
-No!

No, no, no.

Well, honey, you need to get it together.
Sugar, you're lost and confused.

-All right, now...
-Listen, you're just jealous

'cause you know I can get any guy here.

Go get them!

You brought your son here today?

-That's right.
-Can we see your son?

Yeah, sure.

No. No.

All right, this is...

-What?
-Where did they allow you

to get your baby from?
Is your baby from Australia?

I was in the Middle East, like,
solving the crisis there.

No big deal. Whatever.

And I flew back here to America,

und I stopped over in this country
called Africa, right?

Africa is a continent, not a country, baby.
Get it right.

Well, it is full of African-Americans.

It's full of Africans.
It's full of people of African descent.

No. That's a racist thing to call them.
African-Americans is the right word.

No. African-Americans are here.

No, they're called
African-Americans, girlfriend.

No, fool.

All right.
So how did you find your son?

I swapped him.

-You swapped him?
-What?

Swapped the baby for what?

-For an iPod.
-What?

Not just any iPod.

One that was, like, limited edition, red.
A U2 iPod. Heard of it?

All right, but wait a second.
You are the baby's father now.

And you chose to dress that baby up
in a T-shirt that says what?

Gayby.

That's not the baby's name, is it?

No. I gave him, like,
a traditional African name.

So what's the baby's name?

O.J.

Stand up, please.

I think you're using him as an accessory.

I think maybe because he's a black baby
that might be your cue,

like how some people walk in the park
with dogs to pick up girls,

that might be your cue
to get maybe a down-low brother.

I don't know. What do you think?

I gotta be honest. He's a real dick magnet.

You brought some photographs
that you took with the child because...

I guess to demonstrate
how much you love the child.

We're going to put them up on this screen.

That's the first shot.

Let's see the next picture.

You're gonna burn in hell for that one.

That's some mess.

All right. Do we have another photo,
or is that the last one?

There we go.

What is going on here?

If I'm having fun,
I want little O.J. to come with me.

I want him to have fun with me.

Hold on. Hold on. What's that?

-What is that?
-Someone's scared.

-You're making the audience leave.
-They are scared of the truth.

Yes, ma'am? Stand up, please. Go ahead.

Listen, I don't see how you can even walk
out of here with that baby in your hands

without someone stopping you
and taking that baby out of your possession.

All right, well, you know,
there is a finale to this talk show.

Please welcome Shatonya Miggins
from the State Child Services Department.

Take the baby.

What would be the opinion,
the legal opinion of the state,

which is empowered to look after children
and their welfare?

This child is here illegally.

No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother.

And at this time, we're taking the child
into protective custody.

-You are not doing that. You're not taking...
-The child is going...

Get off me. That is my baby.

Give him back! Give me my baby back!

Give me my baby! Give him back!

Come on! Back!

Give me my baby back!

O.J.! Give me my baby! Give me my...

Give me my baby! O.J.!

O.J.!

O.J.! Give me my baby back!

You want some pie today?

Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years,

since I was, you know, 4 years old.

-Since you was 4?
-Yeah.

Is that your boy? He's pretty.

That was my boy.
He got taken away today.

I'm so sorry. Gosh.
What is he, about 2?

I think he was about, I don't know, 6 or...

-Was he? Was he about that age?
-I don't know.

He could've been a midget.
So he could have been 10.

Good morning, cowboy. What's your name?

Lutz.

Get that out of my face.

Move that out of my... No, Lutz.

Hello? Engineering.

Hello, I apologise for the state of the room.

But can I assure you,
the toilet is absolutely spotless.

Can you look?
The key, I think, is over there, just...

No, I can't do this.

Yeah, Brian, I need you up here
on 20 immediately.

Well, no, it's 2 guys
handcuffed together on a bed.

And there's some contraption
with a dildo on the end of it.

And they're asking...
They've been staying at the hotel for a while

and wanted to know if I can get the key
for them because they can't get out of bed.

I'm pretty freaking flipping right now.

-Come in.
-Can you tell me what's going on?

You were not meant to see this.
You find the key, I can get out of this.

Now, can you just look under that shelf...

No. This is not what was
supposed to be going on in here.

You're telling me, honey.

I should be chained to a 6'4" Norwegian
with a PhD in sucking dick.

That's not my concern.

Okay, well, listen, one other thing.

Can you switch off the television?
Because I made a fart,

and I am on the verge of buying
Mr. Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.

That's unfortunate.

No, but I refuse to pay
for Mr. Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium.

I did not press it.

No, I'm afraid we are not
gonna be doing that.

Hey, listen, you. What's your name?
Hi. What's your name?

-No, don't even talk to me.
-You're cute.

You're like a Latino Paul Giamatti.

-Hey, don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.
-Hey, girlfriend.

Also, great. Maybe they can let us out.

Excuse me, can you unlock us? Please.
Hello? Can you unlock us?

Please, can you unlock us?

Please. My assistant's about to shit
on my balls.

What's going on here?

What does it look like, Paul Blart?

Br�no.

Br�no.

Ich was at a low point.
Br�no had hit rock Arsch.

Lutz had gone, und ich had only
9 Freunds left on MeinSpace.

Lutz! Lutz!

I was about to give up
on my dream of celebrity,

when suddenly it hit me.

All the most famous stars in the world,

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey,
they all had one thing in common.

They were all straight.

To become famous,
I would have to quit guys.

Ich just needed to find
a cock-aholics anonymous.

Things have got to change.
I want to become straight.

-Awesome.
-Once I'm straight,

can I still play the clarinet?

If it doesn't remind you
about some of the behaviour

that you engaged in
when you put your lips around it.

If it doesn't remind you of that,
then I say go for it

and play the clarinet
with everything inside of you.

If it does remind you of that,
then I say put it down,

give it away, let a friend hold it
until you know in your mind

you're ready to pick it up again
and it wouldn't remind you of that.

Und what about if
I put a flute up my stinker?

That... I wouldn't do that either because it
would remind you of the former lifestyle.

So you don't put any woodwind
instruments up your Arschwitz.

-Absolutely not. You know why?
-Why?

Because that would harm my body.
That would hurt...

-Only if you lose the reed.
-Okay.

Well, that would... That would be bad.

Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to?
Any bands?

Sinead O'Connor. The Indigo Girls.

Of course, the Village People.

When I become straight,
you know, a Kuntmeister,

are there any new hobbies
that I should take up?

-Do you enjoy hiking? Lifting weights?
-Sure.

Man, there's nothing like just working out

and lifting weights
and building your muscles

around some other men who are not gay.

I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.
They see me und they want to schtupp me.

-Right.
-So how do I protect against those guys?

If they get close to you,
hit them and leave the situation.

How do you spot the homosexual?

Very hard to do.

Because some of them don't even dress
no different than myself or you.

-Amazing.
-You know?

It's kind of like terrorists.

If a terrorist has infiltrated
a police department

and he dresses like the policemen,
how would you know that's him?

What are obvious things
that we can look for?

Obvious is a person that's being
extremely nice to them to start with.

So if someone approaches you in the street
und is being very, very nice to you,

you know that they are a homosexual?

Most likely.

How should I protect myself
from being attacked by homosexuals?

They probably would attack from behind.

So, again, if I am a homosexual,

and I'm just trying to run in und kiss you...

-Boom! You done moved in the wrong range.
-Right.

Let's say the homosexual
has got you on the ground.

Okay.

Und the homosexual, you know,
has got you down here.

-Right.
-I go to pull this down.

-I want to lock this, lock this leg here.
-Touching.

-Yeah.
-Hit with the elbow.

Boom. As I roll across.

How do you protect yourself from a dildo?

So let's say I'm trying...

Here, you know.

Like that. You know?

Und disarm the dildo?

Yes.

Is it harder to defend against a black dildo?

-No.
-Great.

One is just as easy as the other
to defend against.

-So, I'm attacking.
-Boom.

-Like that.
-Let's say I go down and I...

Trap it, work the knees. Work the elbows.

How do you defend yourself
against the man with 2 dildos?

Coming in. Here. Boom.

Depending on his range. Boom.
Then to his face. Boom.

Okay? Kick around, boom.

He can't do nothing from there.

And if he's just running
with his pants down?

Here. Boom. And then to the eyes.

-Homosexual attacking your bum.
-Leg here.

And then come in and break his arm.
Take it here, take him out.

Break his arms. Boom, break his ribs.
Break his arms.

Okay. Thank you very much. Fantastisch.

-Okay.
-It's very useful.

That's just totally different than
what I've ever tried to, you know, work with.

So you were never gay?

It's ironic that you should have
amazing blow job lips.

Well, these lips were made to praise Jesus.

No, they were made for something else,
but you're just not using it for them.

Well...

Are there any activities you suggest

where I'll be surrounded
just by straight guys?

-Let's go! Let's go!
-Let's go! Let's go!

-Push ups! Sit ups!
-Push ups! Sit ups!

-Hurry up. Get in here.
-Was?

Make this bed. Hurry up. Make the bed.

But do you have something,
maybe a double...

Make the bed!

Could you hold the sheet over there?

I'm not holding anything.

-Get down. Get down.
-Was?

I said, get down! Do push ups.

This line right here is
a line that you don't cross.

This is TAC Alley. TAC Officer's...

You're in it again. This is my alley.

I don't want to be in your alley.

Yeah, well, get out of it.
Your finger's in my alley.

Not yet.

By the way, where's your uniform?
Go get your uniform on.

Do it!

Oh, my gosh.

What's up with the scarf?

That is, like, it's my own thing.

Let me introduce you to somebody.
Captain Miles.

Candidate, what are you doing?

Stand at the position of attention, candidate.

-Do it! Do it!
-Head and eyes straight forward, candidate.

Head and eyes straight forward.
Stand still, candidate.

That is not part of the uniform, candidate.
You need to take that off.

This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is,

and so I was just trying to break it up
with some simple horizontal lines.

Do you have an attitude, candidate?
Do we detect an attitude?

-Sir, she's got an attitude.
-What?

Sir Officer Candidate,
did you just call me "she"?

-Get down, candidate! Now!
-Do it!

What type belt is that, candidate?

What is that?

-D&G.
-What is D&G?

Dolce und Gabbana. Hello?

-"Hello"?
-"Hello"?

-Front in the rest position.
-Get down, you!

Sir Officer Candidate,
you deserve a medal for exceptional skin.

What are you talking...
What are you trying to say, candidate?

Sir Officer Candidate, you could be a general
in the Bitch Army the way you're going.

-Did you use profanity again?
-Did you use profanity?

But you're being really nasty.

The OC guide states that I will not
use profanity while I'm at OCS.

Yes, mein F�hrer. Yes, Officer Candidate.

-Hurry up!
-Hurry up! Let's go!

-Yeah, this is mine.
-You better help your buddy.

Get out of my TAC Alley.

Get out of my TAC Alley.

-Hurry up! Hurry up!
-Move over there!

-Salute!
-Salute with your right hand.

Salute with your right hand.

-That's not a salute.
-That's not a salute.

That's not a salute.

Can I tell you about the person
that changed my life?

Was it Karl Lagerfeld?

No, actually, his name is Jesus.
Jesus is in this room right now.

He never leaves us. He never forsakes us.
He's here.

Amazing.

That's exactly right. He's amazing.

You want to be famous.
You'll be one that's so famous, Br�no,

you will prepare the way
for other young men all over the world

who want to come out of the homosexual
lifestyle and make a change in their lives.

And they'll say, "If Br�no can do it,
then I can do it.

"How did he change?
How did you change, Br�no?"

And they'll say, "It's Jesus. He changed me."

But he wants to come into
your heart right now.

Are you ready to make that change?

Are you hitting on me?

No, I'm not.

Okay, good, 'cause I just...
That was, like, really hot, that whole speech.

Are there any outdoor activities

that I should do
if I want to become straight?

Absolutely.

-Hi.
-Hello.

-Mike. Br�no.
-Br�no.

Hey. Great.

-I'm Donny.
-Br�no.

Robert.

-You ever been hunting?
-I've never killed an animal.

Although, I did once
suffocate a hamster in Mykonos.

The women, eh? Do you prefer the vagina
or the mammary glands?

-I prefer the vagina.
-Me, too.

I love a woman with a vagina.

Yeah.

My favourite.

Didn't see anything.

We were just talking about vaginas.

About what?

Vaginas. The woman's vagina.

Sharing stories
and saying how much we enjoy them.

Yes.

Really fantastisch.

Really wonderful things.

It's my favourite.

This is wonderful.

This is what rabbit look like.

Look at the 4 of us.
We are so like the Sex and the City girls.

No, we aren't, either.

Which one are you, Donny?

I ain't any one of them. I'm Donny.

That is such a Samantha thing to say.

I've never been
out of the city before.

You haven't? How's it feel?

I feel a bit vulnerable.

You know, I'm 19 years old,
I've got a perfect body.

You know, I really don't want to wake up
tomorrow morning und find

that I'm torn in my Arschenholer.

You probably ain't the only one.

Me, either, definitely.

There's so many stars in the sky.

Full of them.

Makes you think of
all the hot guys in the world.

Do we all share one tent
or what's more sensible?

I hope not.

All right, God damn it.

Reverend BJ found me
too much of a handful

and put me in touch with one of his chums.

You look decent in that.

Look like a straight guy, how's that?

Women are good for us.

They're good even though

they appear to us
to be terribly conventional.

And we find that somewhat irritating

that they complain so much.

-Right.
-But we need that.

We need many of the things

that, at first glance,
are annoying and irritating.

And women often don't stick to the point.

They're often talking about one thing
and then another and then another,

and they never get back to the first point
maybe ever.

I am repulsed by the idea
of making the sex with a woman.

The important thing is to be around women,

somewhat, that you find tolerable
or interesting

and give them a chance to seduce you.

How did you get into it?

We, actually, our first time was on our...

-Our honeymoon.
-Yeah.

Of all nights for us to swing,
the first time was for our honeymoon.

Und what is your favourite position?

That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl.

What's reverse cowgirl?

Show me. I'll pretend to be the woman.

Like, I'm sitting here, and...

Yeah, and so, if I'm the woman...
Don't worry. Yeah, so what?

You'd be sitting like that,

-and that's called reverse cowgirl.
-Right. Right.

And then when you're facing me,
that's called cowgirl.

This one here is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl?

This is cowgirl.

And then when you're turned
the opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl.

Und what other positions are there?

-Power driver.
-Right.

69.

But this is the girl's position.

You don't want to be like this
if you're a guy.

There's missionary, doggy style.

So what's doggy style like?

You'd be bent over, like a dog does it.

Yeah. Like that?

All right, and then
what would you be doing?

If you was a woman,
I would be humping you.

-No, show me.
-I'm not gonna show you.

-You're a man.
-Don't be a faggot.

Come on. What's the big deal?
It's just a couple of guys.

I'd be humping you like that.

I can't wait to do this to a woman.

Anybody want a sandwich or something?

Yeah. Great.

Very good. You've got great hair actually.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

That was great.

-Oh, yeah.
-Good boy.

Fuck, yeah.

You're doing a great job.

Thank you.

Come on, Jack, look me in the eyes.

Look me in the eye. You can do this.

Dude.

Why would he look you in the eyes
when he's looking at a pussy?

-Why would he look you in the eyes?
-No, no. Just for concentration.

-He does not look in a guy's...
-I don't need you for concentration, okay?

-Look her in the eye.
-This is a fucking swingers party. Okay?

If you don't want pussy,
if you don't want fucking...

-No, I want...
-Then quit fucking touching me

and quit telling me
to look at you in the eye. Okay?

I didn't come here
for no fucking queer shit. Okay?

-Me, neither.
-Okay.

-Let's keep it at that then.
-Cool.

This is a fucking swingers party.
Right, guys?

I see what the fuck you're doing, dude.

-Hi.
-Did he not try to pull

-that queer shit on you out there?
-Hi. How you doing?

I don't need this motherfucker
touching me on the back,

telling me to look him
in the fucking eye. Right?

-I was just going to the kitchen.
-I know, yeah. Come on.

What's this shit? Let's take this off.

Let's maybe we get
to know each other a little.

-I think you broke that, actually.
-I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, there is...
Let's get to know each other a little bit first.

Know each other? What?

You must produce a lot of milk.

I don't want you to do something
that you'll regret.

You wake up tomorrow, you've lost
your virginity, and you feel ashamed.

You know, let's take this a little slower.

-We should reschedule.
-Sit the fuck down.

Sit the fuck down. Don't fuck around!

No, let's do this the right way.

I go, and I sit down with your father,
we talk about this.

-If he gives his permission...
-What?

Would you quit being a little bitch here

and take your little briefs off
before I fucking rip them?

Wait. Yes.

-Yeah.
-Fine.

-Thanks.
-Okay. Great.

I don't like this little shit.

Yes, well, I want to really make
this heterosexual sex.

It's going to be fantastisch!

Do as I say. Take that fucking shit off now!

-Don't... You fold them.
-Fuck.

You gotta fold that neatly.
You don't treat suede like that. It stains.

Sit the fuck down. Take it off!

I've got an idea.
Let's play a little bit of dress-up here.

It will be erotisch.

What is this?
You gonna dress me like a man?

No, it's just a beard.

-Am I supposed to wear a beard?
-It's just a...

Come on, it will be fun.

I don't need a beard.

Take it off! Now!

Once you put the...

-Fuck! Take it off.
-Okay. I'm...

-Okay, I'm going to do this.
-Right now!

Get on your fucking knees
and suck my spike here, bitch.

Okay. Help!

Don't fuck around!

Don't call me gay!

I'm gonna become straight.
I'm gonna become �ber straight.

I'm gonna be the straightest man
who's ever lived.

Und then I'll be famous.
You'll see. You'll see.

What's up, Arkansas?
How's everybody doing?

You guys ready to see
a little ass kicking tonight?

Make some noise, everybody.
Put your hands together. Make some noise

for the host of the brand-new TV show,
Straight Dave's Man Slammin' Maxout.

Give it up for Straight Dave!

Straight Dave. Straight Dave.

Are you ready for
some man-slamming action?

Who's ready for
an old-fashioned heterofest?

Are you 100% hetero like me?

Who out there is proud to be straight?

Let me hear you say straight pride.

-Straight pride.
-Straight pride.

Straight pride.

-Straight pride.
-Straight pride.

I am so straight
that when I bought my house,

the first thing I did
was brick up the back door.

You know why?
Because my asshole's just for shitting.

Let me hear you say that.

-My asshole's just for shitting.
-My asshole's just for shitting.

It's great to have an evening
with straight people.

It's great not to have any fags here.

You're a faggot!

Who called me a faggot?

Whoever called me a faggot come up here,
and I'll beat your Arsch.

Who called Straight Dave a faggot?
Come up here.

Let him in.

Who wants to see me beat this fag's ass?

Who wants me to beat this...

Fuck him up!

Get him, motherfucker!

Beat his fucking ass!

Kick his ass!

Fucking fag!

-Homo! Queer fags!
-Motherfuckers!

Stop! Stop!

Get out of my town. You all are sick.

Tell him we don't have no faggots here
in Arkansas. Take that shit somewhere else.

You pussy-ass faggot motherfucker!

Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!

Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!

The footage went everywhere,
und Br�no became �ber famous.

As for Lutz,
we decided to get married in California.

But because of the law,
we had to be a bit inventive.

I feel this is the biggest step
you'll ever make in your lifetime.

-It's a very big moment.
-That's right.

Am I going to be able to meet her
before we actually start?

Sure.

I... I don't marry 2 men or 2 women.

If she's a man,
then how did it give birth to our son?

You gave birth to a little black child?

Yes.

When did you have the baby?

I don't even know why
I'm asking that question.

But even though marriage
was a nicht-nicht,

we weren't gonna let it get us down.

We were happy. We had each other.

And we had O.J. back,

although he did cost us a MacBook Pro.

Plus, ich was now so famous

that I was able to record
mein very own charity video.

Subtitles: Arigon

I've written a song

that I hope is gonna
bring the world together

Put down your guns and bombs

and just make love forever

Okay, then.

He's come to heal the world

and make all nations calmer

I am the Austrian Jesus

He is the white Obama

He's the white Obama

War's just based on hate and fear

Stop fighting, North and South Korea

You're both basically Chinese

And he's Br�no, dove of peace

Hey, yo, Br�no, where the bitches at?

You are Br�no, dove of peace

You do it, fashion model
You got the cute hos

You are Br�no, dove of peace

You know, I love black guys.
I'm a chocoholic.

Du bist Br�no, dove of peace

Br�no wants peace.

Either we gonna have peace,
or we gonna have motherfucking war.

I have a dream for the Third World

Clean water, food and teaching

In every village and every town

a place for anal bleaching

We need to rid the world of hunger

I'm like Bono, except much younger

He's only 19

Ich bin Br�no, dove of peace

Hey, hey, he gay, he gay

Okay.

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