Original subtitles

[♪]

Peg: Come on, al.

Is that the best you can do?

Al: Peg, I can't concentrate

If you're gonna keep shouting instructions.

Peg: Not like that, you moron.

Who taught you to do this, anyway?

Al: All right, that's it. I quit.

Haven't we done enough for one day?

Peg: Oh, all right.

At least ya did something.

I'm sick of spending my day-off scooping doodie.

Damn dog.

Why can't he use marcie's yard like everybody else?

Well, here's another "why" for you to ponder, honey.

Why'd you bring the doodie in the house?

[chuckles]

Heh-heh-heh.

For the fun part, peg.

Watch this.

[grunts]

Woman: Yow!

Sorry, ma'am.

I hit a power-walker, peg.

[both laughing]

She's coming in.

Oh, whoa!

Kelly: Come on, bud.

My assignment for modeling school

Is to take a total wreck of a human,

A complete fashion frog,

And do a makeover.

Please, I need an absolute zero,

And everyone says that you'd be perfect.

[doorbell rings]

Now, I have carefully crafted my look over the years

Into the finely-honed babe train you see before you.

[doorbell rings]

To look at me, is to love me.

Sometimes love's a hurtin' thing.

I am not like the other girls you know.

I don't wanna change your face or your body

Or your odious personality.

Just give me a shot at your clothes.

And what is wrong with my clothes, kel?

Nothing, yoda.

If you're referring to the jacket,

The salesgirl said kevin costner swears by these jackets.

And it is not a yoda jacket.

If it was, it wouldn't have been up on the rack

Next to the dick tracy raincoats.

Oh, god.

I'm dressed like an action figure.

[tearfully] kel, help me. Shoot me. Dress me.

There, there, ewok.

Just trust me.

When I'm through with you,

The only laughter that you're gonna hear

Is when you're out of your clothes.

Oh, al. Take me again.

I didn't even know I was taking you then.

I tripped on a box,

And then I thought the furnace fell on me.

[doorbell rings]

Probably god, personally delivering a plague.

Excuse me.

Is this magnificent beast yours?

Yes, but she's very expensive.

[laughs]

Uh, no.

No, I meant the dog.

I don't know that dog. Not ours.

We chased it off the lawn. Oh.

If you could tell me whom he belongs to,

It might be worth $10,000 to the owner.

Ah, look, peg.

That's our beloved family pet.

I'm interested in using your dog as a stud.

Well, let me-- let me ask the dog.

What do you say, boy?

Well, he's not the most attractive man in the world,

But he's got a kind face.

Don't you think you could maybe do something--?

It's not for me, you nitwit.

It's for my dog.

Oh, uh...

For your dog. Yeah.

Uh--

[chuckles]

Peg, why don't you go upstairs and get buck's jacket

And his little collar, you know, his-- his evening collar.

Yeah, and maybe I better throw in his muzzle.

We wouldn't want the other dog to get his hand bit.

[giggling]

Perhaps I should explain.

Uh, perhaps you should do it from there.

I am the proud owner of grand champion

Astoria's lady of marseilles.

Winner of the best of breed,

Edinburgh international dog show.

I believe she is the best briard bitch

On the circuit today.

And I'd want to mate her with your dog,

Whose fine bones I couldn't help but notice

As he, um, fell down when he lifted his leg to pee.

Well, that can happen to a guy.

Many's the time my leg falls asleep,

Before you know it, whoop, you're on your side.

Spare us, al.

Relive some old football memories

In your head or something.

I'm gonna talk to this man.

So how do we get that 10 thou?

By breeding your champion with mine.

I'll fly her in from munich,

And upon successful breeding,

I will pay the stud fee of $10,000.

Here's my card.

Call me to arrange a date.

Oh, and by the way,

My astoria is a very discerning dog.

So, for god's sakes,

Please, brush your dog's teeth.

Oh!

Did you hear that, al?

[groans]

Wake up, gipper.

Look at him, al.

Our home finally has a breadwinner.

And he's a good boy too.

He's a good little boy. You're gonna get a lot of money.

Yes, you are. I was all city, you know, boy.

God, what is taking him so long?

Bud, come down here,

The girls from my class are waiting.

Bud: I'm not ready.

Relax, kel.

What do you care about your grade?

You're getting a cut of $10,000

From your dog anyway.

Yeah, but I'm probably

Gonna have to put that away for my old age.

You know the big two-five is not so far away.

Bud [sighing]: I'm ready.

Okay. Now, we all remember what bud looked like before, right?

Sick. Ew. Ew.

Okay, yeah, well, hold that thought

While I introduce you to the new bud light.

Budrick?

[clears throat]

What do you think, ladies?

Early james dean or the bride of leavenworth?

Well, you'll notice how the attention

Has been subtly diverted from the danger area,

His face,

By the hat and the plunging neckline.

Which, if he had a chest, would now be exposed.

Kelly, you're gonna get an a for sure.

I'm gonna go change

And hang myself in the shower now.

Oh, please, not yet.

Wouldn't you like to go to the movies

Or my dad's condo?

Hey!

I was gonna ask.

I always liked him.

Well, then wait till I'm through with him.

[clears throat]

Thank you, ladies,

But the entertainment is over for the day.

The clown must rest.

I don't believe any of you for a second.

Well, would you believe this?

Well, how 'bout this?

He's mine. He's mine.

I saw him first when he came down the stairs.

Please! I'm better friends with kelly than you.

He was looking at me. He was looking at--

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Now, we're all adults here.

There's plenty of room on this body

For all of your hands.

[clears throat]

Uh, kel.

Tell mom I'll be home in a couple of days

And to buy some food,

'cause I think I'm gonna be hungry.

Mother.

Father.

Hey, how did buck do?

Did he and the girl dog consummate?

Well, not exactly.

Buck got this really confused look on his face,

Like he had no idea what to do.

[chuckles]

I know that look well.

If I've seen it once,

I've seen it once every three months.

[chuckles]

Now, peg, there's $10,000 at stake here.

Not nearly enough for what I'm about to do,

But if you want to get rich,

Sometimes you have to get dirty.

Peg, let's go upstairs.

I want buck to learn from the best.

Come on, buck!

Come on, boy!

Come here, boy.

Gee, al. Come here, boy.

You were magnificent.

Where does he get it from?

You know, I don't think I've ever seen a dog

Try to cover his eyes with his paws before.

Well, that's what I don't understand, peg.

If he could copy that from me,

Why couldn't he copy the rest?

Well, he does change his underwear and socks

As often as you do.

[laughs]

She's just kidding, boy.

She knows as well as we do that the man is the king.

[laughs]

[quietly] what are you doing?

We're trying to make him wanna have sex.

Isn't that a good boy?

The man is the king.

He loves me till I scream,

"oh, baby. Oh, baby. Please stop."

Hey, here's a proud beauty, eh, boy?

Legs that won't quit.

Quite a saucy little lilt to the tail.

Look at that come-hither look on her snout.

Now, what I would do if I were you,

Next time you hop that briard,

I'd just close my eyes

And pretend I was bundyfying a poodle.

Listen to him, buck.

He satisfied me.

Look how happy I am.

Gee, al.

Nice to see you down on all fours,

Like your forefathers.

Next, perhaps you could point to a wheel and say,

"me no understand wheel thing.

Wanna buy some shoes?"

Well, it-- it looks like something

That come from the colonel, all right, but the, uh--

But the, uh-- the legs are picked clean,

A-and I don't see any breasts.

[laughs]

That was a good one, eh, boy?

Well, from where I stand,

The brain has been picked clean,

And I can't find any hair.

So, what's he doing,

Regaling buck with his high school football stories?

Ha! Buck's heard all of those a thousand times.

Don't you two people understand that what this dog needs to see

Is a strong, undisputed male role model.

Ah, gigi's home.

Thank you, ladies,

But I think I can make it the rest of the way myself.

Ah!

To be young again.

Buck, make sure no harm comes to the ladies.

Uh, son,

Those were girls you were with, right?

They're women now.

Now, look, son, I didn't say anything

When you were, you know,

Lilac-ing around the house the other day, or--

Or yesterday when you were wearing that skirt.

Kilt, dad.

Sure, son.

But tell me something, bud.

Y-you will be playing baseball again, won't you?

Hey, mom, dad.

Did bud tell you yet?

Well, not in so many words,

But we're not blind.

Not that.

I got an a for making him over.

There was some stiff competition too.

This one girl brought in a chimp

Who was wearing a baseball cap and a pair of polka-dot speedos.

But I got the a because my teacher said

That I had less raw material to work with.

Well, human-for-a-day, the assignment's over.

I gotta get these clothes back to la petite poof.

No way, meals-on-heels.

I'm floatin' on an ocean o' babes,

And I needs my fishnets.

Do you realize that it costs me $25 a day to rent this stuff?

Well, that's more than it costs to rent you.

Hi, kelly.

Hi, kelly.

[laughs]

Ah, come on-- don't worry, al.

He's just rebelling.

I did it myself for a while.

'course, I just drank--

Drank beer and smoked cigarettes.

But then I wasn't rebelling against heterosexuality.

You know, speaking of which,

I think you've got a problem with your dog.

Oh, we know all about it.

Neither he nor his master can perform.

Oh, well, I can't speak for al.

The satisfied look on peggy's face does that.

But your dog is a veritable windmill

Out on my yard with every dog in the neighborhood,

Even the hendersons' lawn elf.

He's out there every day.

You see, peg, that's this trouble with the briard.

He's exhausted!

Well, I'll put a stop to this.

Oh, gee. This should be worth watching.

[dogs snarling]

'cause I don't think it's wise

For al to try and break up a tryst between buck

And what appears to be a very large rottweiler

With a spike collar.

[dogs snarling]

Al: Hey! Hey, not there!

Not th-- hey, watch it now!

[al screams]

Well, buck's been locked down in the basement

For two weeks now.

With absolutely no female contact whatsoever.

God, how I envy him.

Watch this, peg.

Buck!

Lady briard!

[snarling & growling]

Lassie!

[snarling & growling]

Nancy reagan!

See, that's why I never believed that sinatra story.

Let's get him back in the mood again.

Buck!

Mommy's shoes!

[snarling & growling]

I'd say he's ready.

Honey, are you sure you should be going out so soon?

I mean, the lockjaw just cleared up.

Come on.

Here he is, peg.

Looking unintelligent as ever.

But I'll tell ya, from the looks of my playboys

He shredded down there,

I'll say he's ready to rock to the tune of 10 grand.

Come on. There we go. Come on.

Well, al, be careful.

I heard that the mcginty'' poodle was in heat.

Al: Heel, boy!

Heel! Heel! Oh, whoa, heel!

Oh, and you know,

So is the ritter's irish setter

Right across the street.

Al: You're killing me, boy!

Killing me, boy!

And also the finleys' beagle behind our house.

Al: Hey now, buck! Hey now, buck!

Hey! Ah! Oh!

[sighs]

Yep, I used to play hockey,

And I was great.

Then I said to myself,

"bud, you're an artist, and very handsome.

"why would you let your violent side take over?

If you must swing a stick, swing a stick for love."

That's beautiful.

Take me.

Well, it's been a while since, uh--

[laughs]

Well, it's been a while

Since your daddy took buck to do the deed.

That 10,000 bucks should be on the way.

Well, that's good, mom,

'cause I'm running low on lamè.

Did they reinstitute the draft or something?

Peg: He's here!

We're rich! Yes!

Oh, al, gimme that check.

Honey, this isn't a check for $10,000.

This is a bill for $10,000.

If you look closer,

You'll see it's a bill for $100,000.

See, buck was ready, all right.

A little bit more ready than our lady of astoria.

Or should I say,

The late lady of astoria?

To death, al?

And beyond, peg.

But don't worry,

The hundred thou is payable over a three-day period.

So I figure, you know,

A couple of busy days at the shoe store,

Maybe a lemonade stand manned by my two daughters, here...

...We'll be able to save up enough money

To buy a chocolate bar and maybe some nylons

For my new cellmate, bruno.

Kelly: Daddy?

If it'll help any,

You can have my share of the $10,000.

I'll miss you most of all, scarecrow.

Uh, excuse me.

So you're not getting a cut of $10,000?

Well, no, but...

What difference does that make when we have what we have?

Have that.

Fine!

There's plenty more where you came from, babe.

I gotta see this.

Girl: He didn't get the money.

Girls: Let's burn him!

Yeah! Whoo!

Bud: Not there! Not there!

Girl: Kill him! Bud: Watch it now!

Aw, honey, don't be sad.

The worst thing that happened

Is that we owe another hundred grand.

I mean, what are they gonna do?

Garnish your paycheck?

[laughs]

[chuckles]

Yeah. Or yours.

[both laugh]

You know, go into the kids' college funds.

[both laughing]

Or our retirement fund.

We don't have any!

[both laughing]

Or our life insurance.

[both laughing]

We have nothing!

[both laughing]

[both sigh]

Ah, you really know how to make me feel better, peg.

And you know what you could do to make me feel better.

Way ahead of you, babe.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

Al: Hey, how 'bout that one?

Peg: You're the king, baby.

Al: You got that right.

[♪]