Original subtitles

[♪]

[dramatic music playing over tv]

Man: Marry me, cherise.

You're the only one for me.

Woman: But, blair, you said that to the twins,

Who are secretly your daughters,

Who you fathered when you were in that coma.

You can't really have children with a man in a coma,

Can you, mom?

I think there have been two recorded cases.

I'm home, and I'm feeling foul.

So let's have a parting of the butts

So I can sit down.

Is the fun always over when daddy comes home, mom?

Well, it's just suspended now.

It's not officially over till he takes off his shoes.

Kelly, honey, I know you're a high school graduate,

But you may be unaware of a new law.

Since 1989,

The government only permits one human lump per family.

So I'm afraid the time has come

For you to get a job.

Oh, no, daddy, you're wrong.

Mommy says that I don't have to do anything.

I'm a girl.

Sweetheart, your mother is the last of a vanishing breed:

The tyrannosaurus- do-nothingnus.

But there's still hope for you, honey.

You can still get up off a couch

Without it making a suction noise.

[clicks tongue]

So join with daddy, won't you, please,

In actually earning a living.

But, honey,

For daddy's ego,

Try not to bring home more money than he does.

So I'd say, try returning pop bottles.

But stop at 10.

They're two cents apiece, you know.

"oh, gee, your honor,

I don't know where that shotgun came from."

[chuckles]

Now, kelly, honey,

You're getting old enough to know now

That you can't go on mooching off society forever.

So go over to marcie's house,

Steal her newspaper

And bring back the section with the want ads.

Al,

Did you really mean what you said about me?

You really think I do nothing?

Peg, if you did any less around here,

It would be called "haunting."

Well, then you have a pretty short memory.

It's me who brass-knuckles your underwear into that hamper.

And who invented the broomstick

With the piece of gum on the end of it

To pick up your socks?

I believe it was I.

Now, I do plenty around here.

I want an apology,

And I want appreciation.

Until I get some,

I, peggy bundy,

Am officially on strike.

Look, daddy,

I found a job. Listen.

"pretty girls needed.

"no skills.

"no talent.

"no experience.

No redding."

That's "reading," honey.

No reading?

[scoffs] where are they gonna find anyone that stupid?

No, but look.

"four hundred dollars a month."

Now, that should help out the family, eh, daddy?

Well, uh, sweetheart...

Dear, this is an ad for a modeling school.

See, I'd have to pay $400 a month.

So, what's the problem?

Can you describe the difference between paying and earning?

What am I asking you for? Of course you can't.

Oh, come on, daddy, I wanna be a model.

Hey, maybe I can get one of those neat jobs

Standing in a store window.

Peg, you wanna take this one?

You wanna get down on your hands and knees

And admit I'm everything to you?

Kelly, I'm not paying $400 a month

So you can walk around with a book on your head.

Hey, go ahead, pout all you want.

It's not going to work.

I am a model.

I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Uh-oh.

Then I guess I'll just have to live on love.

Not with me. I'm on strike.

Oh, no.

Then I guess I'll just have to live.

Look, daddy.

And you thought that your $400 was wasted.

I'm okay, daddy.

Sure you are, sweetheart.

Honey, now, go sit over there.

Sit down, dear.

I am a model.

[giggles]

[chuckles] good, sweetheart.

But, honey, you have been a model

For two weeks now.

You know, if the telephone rings,

I'm not gettin' it.

Well, darn, if I miss another dinner with the trumps

Because of you, I'm gonna take it out on the help.

Honey, this modeling thing isn't working out.

But-- but I have an idea.

Why don't you take the skills

You've acquired at modeling school

And get an important job.

One where you meet the public and serve them french fries.

But, daddy, I can't stop now.

Modeling is in my blood.

I mean, even my teacher said

That I am a natural-born leg crosser.

Watch.

I can do it at will.

What?

Okay, kel,

I did what you asked.

I put all your garfield cartoons on cassette tape

So you can listen to them in the car.

Now can I meet the modeling babes?

Isn't he pathetic?

Yeah, right. But don't worry about him. Honey,

Have you seen anything down there daddy might like?

Yeah.

You know, maybe there's a job for a runway model

With dirty underwear.

[chuckles]

"and now, here's al,

"looking frisky for fall

"in his stained boxer shorts

"and matching yellowing t-shirt.

"oh, note the holes,

"new this season, for easy-access scratchin'.

"oh, thank you, al.

[gasps] "oh, and walking behind him,

"his socks.

"resplendent

"in their no-toe-or-heel look.

Thanks again, al."

[laughing]

[chuckling]

"gee, officer, if I thought my wife was missing,

Would I be in this bar, drinking a beer?"

[laughing]

Come on, kel.

I'll do anything.

Well, actually, you could help me study

For this job audition at the auto show.

Can you be a car?

Then will I get to meet the babes?

Pretty ones as dumb as you?

Dumber.

Oh, man.

What kind of car am I?

A 280 zit.

[laughing]

They better be mighty dumb, kel.

Okay, now,

You just stand here and "car."

Now, my job is to come up

With an interesting and exciting way

To introduce the new allanté.

You ready?

Ready. Okay.

The new-- no.

The new-- no.

The new...

Four hundred bucks.

Wait, I'm getting an idea. I'm getting an idea.

How 'bout this?

The new...

Oh, what's the name of the stupid car?

Kelly, why don't you just write it on your hand

Like you do your name.

No, wait.

Topeka, I have found it!

I-- I don't think you mean topeka, kel.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I meant...

Urethra!

How 'bout this?

The new allanté.

What do you think? What do you think?

I think you got it.

I know I've got it.

I shall be the allanté girl,

For I have invented "the bundy bounce."

All: Allanté.

Allanté. Allanté.

Allanté. Allanté.

Allanté. Allanté.

Allanté. Allanté.

Allanté.

Wow!

I feel like I died and went to dad's happy box

In the basement.

I beg of you, pepé le pew.

Control your urges and your scent, okay?

I'm gonna go practice my allantés.

Okay. I'm just gonna wander around and...

See what's bitin'.

I do believe I sees my supper.

Hello.

[clears throat]

I know you models are always watching your weight.

Care for a "bud light"?

[giggles]

I'm sorry, but I think you've mistaken me

For someone who would speak to someone like you.

Stee-rike one.

Ooh.

[clears throat]

Need some help?

One good turn deserves another.

Stee-rike two.

Allantum. No.

[groans]

Allantos.

No.

Aluminum.

Kelly.

No.

Allanté.

Hi, kelly.

Been practicing?

Nope, don't need to.

I'm slam-dunking this baby.

You seem pretty confident for someone

Who got tension headaches during smiling class.

So, what are you doing for your audition?

Well, I come after you,

So I guess I'll have to wait

Till the curly tail disappears.

Oh, then, of course,

After the cries of "sooey" die down,

I'll do my best to follow in your hoofprints.

Slut.

Skank.

Tramp.

Can't accessorize.

That hurt.

With you? [scoffs]

Foul tip.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but noticing you

Undressing me with your eyes.

[sighs]

How'd you like to hear my recipe

For a love cocktail?

One cup of you, two cups of me,

Put it to boil, and serve while hot.

[sighs] look, I'll let you touch my hair

If you go away and leave me alone.

I have to audition.

You're wasting your time, babe.

My sister's got it locked.

Who's your sister?

Kelly.

Anyhow, what do you say to "you and me

And one of your friends makes three"?

What exactly is kelly doing?

She told me not to tell anybody.

Not even me?

No one.

Not even...

Me?

It's called "the bundy bounce," and it goes like this:

The new...

Allanté.

Thanks. That's all I needed to know.

Wait, y-you said I could touch your hair.

Allanté. Okay, everybody.

Ladies, attention.

Attention, ladies.

The client is here.

Let's show him what we can do, all right?

First up, rochelle alpert.

The new alpert.

Oops. That's my name.

Allanté. Allanté.

Very good. Very good, rochelle.

Incense berkowitz.

That's incense berkowitz.

Next.

Piper bauman.

[giggles] gosh, I'm so nervous.

Well, then perhaps you should've worn underwear.

Just do the best you can, sweetheart.

The new allanté.

[piper giggles]

Thank you. I call it "the bauman bounce."

She stole my bounce.

Gee, how could that have happened?

Excellent, excellent.

And now, as if there was any need, kelly bundy.

The new...

Allanté.

That was my bounce.

Ah.

Don't do anything, huh?

Well, we'll see.

I'll break him. I'll break him.

How about you, boy?

Mommy does things for you, doesn't she?

You're not my mommy.

My mother has six nipples and would lick my belly.

You're the only one who understands.

Hey, peg.

You still on strike?

What does it look like?

You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

This has been the best two weeks of my life.

You know, the uncertainty is gone.

Accepting your utter uselessness has freed me.

Since I've been taking care of myself,

The food's better, the conversation is better,

And-- and without sex, my hair's comin' back.

It's not coming back, honey.

It's just growing up out of your nose.

[chuckling] ah, peg.

Would it really make you feel better

If I told you I needed you?

Yes, it would.

[laughing]

Well, I don't.

I got my food. Got my drink.

In a few minutes, I got my ball game.

Uh-oh.

Remote.

Peg?

Yes, sweetheart?

Ball game's coming on in a few minutes.

Where's the remote control?

You mean your shootin' iron?

Your magic wand?

The only way you could turn anything on?

Yes.

Have you seen it?

Well, you know, sweetheart, yes, as a matter of fact, I have.

And I would love to tell you where it is,

But, gee, I can't.

I'm on strike.

Fine. Don't need it.

I'll watch tv without it.

There, game's on.

Announcer: We'll be back with the kickoff after these messages.

Mm.

[upbeat music playing]

Announcer 2: We'll be back with the second half

After these messages.

Woman: I'm an active gal.

And as such, I need maximum protection.

[yells]

[tv clicks]

It's fine. I don't need it.

I'm happy.

I have everything else.

I don't need tv.

How long has it been?

It's been 10 seconds.

[sobbing] all right, peg. I give up.

I'll do anything.

Give me what I need, baby!

Give me my remote control!

And what will daddy give mommy?

Well, I already told you I needed you.

What else do you want?

Aagh! No!

Oh, peg, it's light out, for god's sake.

We'll be able to see each other! You know I hate that!

But, honey,

We wouldn't want anything to happen

To your remote control, would we?

Okay, honey. Just a quickie, okay?

No. I want the full minute and a half.

But, peg-- peg.

And I want the shoes off.

Oh, god!

How could she know about "the bundy bounce"?

I mean, the only one who knew besides me was you.

How could she find out?

Well, we may as well face it.

We may never be able to piece this thing together.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Hi, kids.

Did you know your father is hanging from the window,

Butt bare to the world, screaming for help?

That's okay. Mom's with him.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

Someone stole an idea from me and cost me a modeling job.

So I'm going to handle this

The only way that us bundys know how.

With swift and blinding violence.

No, no. Now, wait a minute, young lady.

If you've got a problem

You think you can solve with violence,

Don't you think you should talk to your parents?

Peg: You can run,

But you can't hide!

Al [sobbing]: Oh, peg! Oh, no!

Could I perhaps help in any way?

Well, you could wait outside with the engine running.

No, kelly,

Haven't you ever heard the phrase,

"you can catch more flies with honey

Than you can with vinegar"?

But if you pull their wings off,

They'll eat whatever you give them. Bye.

No, kelly, wait.

Let me put this another way.

You're a woman now, not a child.

You should solve your problems in the mature, sophisticated way

Of the adult.

Call 911! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

[sighs] and if your parents were adults

Instead of stick figures,

I'm sure they would agree with me.

So my advice to you would be to go this person,

And appeal to her sense of fairness.

Explain how much she hurt you.

And she'll respond to your maturity with maturity.

For women, unlike men,

Have the capacity to feel.

We talk things out.

And when you tell her a cheater never wins

And a winner never cheats, she'll give you that job back.

[fanfare music playing]

Announcer: And now, the car of tomorrow.

The new allanté.

[cameras clicking]

Announcer: Now, please follow me to our next exhibit.

Thank you so much.

Well, congratulations, miss bundy.

But, uh, what happened to miss bauman?

Oh, stage fight.

I mean, uh, fright.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

Oh, bud...

I came. I saw. I bounced.

Today, the allanté girl.

Tomorrow, slut in a bon jovi video.

[giggles]

Reach for those stars, eh, kel?

You should feel pretty proud too.

You didn't even have to read your hand.

Yeah, but now is a time I have to read my hand

'cause I wrote myself a little note.

It says, "the one who..."

Oh, what's that word?

"told about 'the bundy bounc'' was...

See other hand."

[♪]