Original subtitles

[♪]

["hail to the chief" plays, crowd applauds]

Man: Kelly bundy,

You have just been elected

President of the United States.

What message would you give to the american people?

Kelly: Let's dance.

[upbeat dance music playing]

Oh, no.

Not the president dream again.

Kel?!

Who let the dog in the white house?

[laughs]

I got a date tonight.

Now...

I need you to smell me,

And tell me what you think.

Ah.

That daring combination of noxzema and vaseline.

You know... It has that sexy

"just out of the hospital" smell.

It's open sesame, you idiot.

The official cologne of buster douglas.

One shot, and you're down for the count.

Face it, bud.

You're a cootie.

So you have two choices.

You can either go out

With the female version of yourself,

A cootessa...

Or you could try a human girl,

In which case you're gonna need money.

I'm home.

[in unison] money, money, money.

Back, you dogs! Back, I say!

Sit! Down! Heel!

I don't have any money, I swear.

[screams] money, money, money, money.

No. No. No. Aah-ha.

Jackpot. [groans]

Kids, wait a minute. Your old dad's starving.

Could you please just...

Ah, who cares?

I'll get my woman to get me some food.

[sighs]

I wonder where the monster is.

[peg yawns loudly]

There's the coffin opening now.

[sighs]

You know...

I really feel good.

Eight hours at night,

Eight hours during the day.

[chuckles]

So you going to work, coming home, what?

I'm never sure.

I just go where the car takes me.

Al, what are we gonna do tonight?

Peg, I thought tonight

We might do something different.

You know the newlywed couple

At the end of the block?

I peeked in their window.

Oh, you're so kinky, baby.

Peg...

I want to do what they were doing.

Well, I'm game.

What were they doing?

They were eating!

Like everyone else on the block.

Like on every other block all across the country.

Feed me. Feed me.

You don't have any food? That's all right.

Take an arm, cook it up, pass the ketchup.

Just feed me.

You know what would take your mind off of food?

Eating?

No, silly.

Taking me out.

Let's go to the movies.

I know one we'd both enjoy.

It's shirley maclaine, glenn close, meryl streep

And sally struthers in woody allen's, oh, my head.

Please feed me.

[doorbell rings]

Get the door, honey.

No.

It must be that pizza I ordered for you.

Hi, al.

Well, it's flat and cheesy, but it's no pizza.

Oh, pizza tonight, huh?

Save up a few paychecks, did we?

Peg, it's for you. It's frosty the no man.

Now, where's my pizza?

Oh. Honey, you couldn't really believe

I ordered you a pizza.

[laughs]

God, you are so funny.

What you doing tonight, peg?

Come on, peg.

You really did order me a pizza, didn't you?

Oh, of course I did, honey.

[indistinct speech]

Well, you can see my evening's entertainment.

What do you got going?

I'm going dancing.

Hey, since neither of us has a man,

Why don't you join me?

Gee. I don't know.

You know, peg, the good thing about it:

If he's more than 20 minutes late, we get it for free.

Uh...

Dancing, you say?

Al, would you mind if I went dancing with marcie?

Peg, I don't care if you marry her and move in with her.

Peg, did you remember to order extra cheese?

You know, peg, I love extra cheese.

Yes, I know you do, honey.

[stomach grumbles]

It's coming. It's coming.

[big band music playing]

Oh, gee.

I-- I don't know if I should be here, marce.

I feel guilty having fun while al's still alive.

There is nothing wrong with going out

Every now and then to a classy place

For some good, innocent fun.

Oh, boys.

Incoming.

Man 1: Hey, marcie.

Man 2: You look terrific.

Oh, look at the desperation.

It's just everywhere. Huh.

Can people really be so hard up for human contact?

Wanna dance?

You bet.

Oh.

[giggles]

Gee.

You're so dry.

I didn't know a man could be so...

So dry. Ha-ha-ha!

Well, I...

I never knew a woman could be so red.

[chuckles]

You know...

You dance divinely.

Oh, do you really think so?

Yeah. I just wonder if maybe next dance

I could lead?

[laughs]

Oh.

Oh. Oh. [chuckles]

You know, I haven't done it in two years.

Oh, yeah. You haven't danced in two years?

Well, I haven't danced in 12 years.

[giggles]

Ohh.

Ah.

[sighs]

Hmm. You know, at first I thought

You were just being playful,

But I do believe that's my wallet

You've got in your hand.

[both laughing]

Oh. I'm sorry.

Ha-ha. Force of habit. Heh-heh-heh. Ah.

So...

Where are we going?

Anywhere you want, babe.

Now, I told you...

When you're with me,

The world is your oyster.

I'm not getting on a bus.

And I wanna get fed.

No problem.

Dad, I need 20 bucks, fast.

Look what I got waiting for me.

She's a tramp.

I love that cologne.

Yeah, right.

Hi, honey. I ordered you a pizza.

Ah! No, I'm not falling for that one.

I was at that window so long,

The neighborhood kids thought I was a jack-o'-lantern.

Now feed me or feed me to something.

I just want to be part of the food chain.

Al, would you just forget about food.

Come dancing with me.

It'll be fun.

You can hold me like you used to.

Oh, come on, peg.

That was after a six-pack and a dare.

Well, all right.

I'll go dancing by myself.

But I'm warning you.

It's getting harder and harder to fend off the men.

Well, peg, I trust you.

But if you do meet another man, you must promise me this:

Don't feed him, because that would really hurt.

You stink.

Wash my socks.

[door closes]

[humming "hail to the chief"]

Dad?

How come you let mom go dancing all the time?

Well, pumpkin, that's just something married people do

Now and then so they don't have to see each other.

Well, every time that mom goes out,

She asks if it's okay with you.

It's because she wants you to say,

"don't go. Stay here with me. I love you."

See, sometimes people just test you

To see whether or not you care.

Anyhow, um... I'm going out.

I've got a date with three bikers.

One of them just got out of prison.

I probably won't be home

Till about 3 or 4 in the morning.

Have a nice time, honey.

Gee, I hope that wasn't a desperate cry for help.

Oh, well. At least I'm alone.

[doorbell rings]

Well, I hope that's a jehovah witness...

Wanting to discuss hours of philosophical observation.

You al bundy?

Yes. Hold the applause.

What do you want?

I just think you ought to know,

That your wife has been seeing my husband.

Let me get this straight. Pardon the expression.

You say that your husband

Is running around with my wife.

Yes.

Your husband?

Yes.

You know you're a guy, right?

Yes.

Well, then, we got three guys that won't touch my wife.

What's the problem?

It's andy.

I'm afraid that he's slipping away from me.

You see, before me...

[sobbing] he had a woman.

Well, before my wife, I had a woman too.

You don't understand. This is serious.

He's been leaving the house every Tuesday and Thursday.

I trail him in the station wagon.

They dance all night, they giggle.

She dips him, she lifts him.

She tosses him around the room

Like godzilla with a railroad car.

Oh, my god. What did I do to deserve this?

Uh, easy, big fella. Easy there.

I'm sure we can figure out what happened.

Maybe your guy isn't getting what he needs at home.

Oh, no, our sex is great.

I don't want to hear about that.

Do you cook for him?

Every day.

My mother always said,

"a happy man is a well-fed man."

And I do feed my man, I'll tell you that.

[stomach grumbles]

Well...

No, yeah, yeah.

Uh...We'd like to know what you make for him.

Well, tonight, for example,

I made him a nice, juicy steak.

[stomach grumbles]

Mm-hm. And, uh, what else?

Uh, nice baked potato.

You made it yourself?

It's-- it's not the kind where he has

To go to the door and wait, and the potato never comes?

Uh, no.

But that's terrible when that happens.

Well...Maybe he's just tired

Of you sitting at home

While he's out working.

No, I work.

I'm an office manager, 40 thou a year.

That bastard!

Guys like that deserve what they get.

He's getting your wife.

Well, let the punishment fit the crime.

I don't know.

Maybe it's my fault.

Andy's a man about town,

Whereas I just like to stay home

And watch a ball game.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

You-- you work, you cook...

And you like sports?

Yeah.

Except for soccer.

I mean, that's not really a man's game.

I love you.

[slow jazz music playing]

You know, I just don't understand it.

I mean, I know that andy's crazy about me,

And yet he hasn't made a move on me.

He's been a total gentleman. Huh.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, who cares?

You gotta see this guy's tattoo.

It's a ship.

You should see his sub.

You know, it's not like I wanna do anything with andy.

I just want to turn him on, drive him wild,

Make him sweat, and then say no.

Just like I always meant to in high school.

[sighs]

Hiya, beautiful.

[upbeat latin music playing]

Oh.

So, uh, do you find me...

Beautiful?

I think...

You are the most beautiful woman

I've ever known.

Except for my mother.

And, of course, judy garland.

Oh, andy. You're embarrassing me. Ha-ha-ha!

Um...I've got something to tell you.

I bet you do.

[laughs]

Ahh.

Well, I wanna be honest with you,

Because you've always been honest with me, lola.

Oh, andy.

I know what it is that you have to say.

But before your passion bursts into flame,

I have to tell you:

You can't have me, because, uh...

I'm engaged.

Oh...All right.

I'm married.

I have a confession to make too.

I'm also married.

You pig.

You've got a lot of nerve leading me on.

I didn't mean to.

I just-- I just wanted to have a good time,

And, you know, get out of the house.

Besides, just because you're married

Doesn't mean you're dead.

It doesn't mean you're alive either.

Oh.

You know, the one good thing about us both being married is,

It sort of takes the pressure out of this flirtation. Yeah.

I mean, you don't have to worry about turning me on,

And I don't have to worry about turning you on.

[laughs]

But if that should happen,

Then that's just something you'll have to deal with.

[animal-like grunts]

Oh, I like to see a man enjoying his food.

Mmm-um.

Want some cake? [grunting]

Hey...

It's warm.

Yeah. I just baked it.

I'm sorry about using a dog dish,

But you have no plates.

That's okay.

See?

It says my name on the side.

What are you sitting all the way over there for?

Come over here.

Mmm. Mmm. [sighs]

Mm.

Al, you gotta help me.

I want my husband back.

Isn't there any way you can talk to him?

Hm, uh, I don't know, pete. What about us?

Won't that interfere with our quality time?

No. No, no, al. I'll make time.

I'll make time for you.

We'll go to a ball game.

I'll make us a picnic basket...

With crispy fried chicken.

[laughs] huh?

Huh?

I'll even get you your very own bowl.

My own dog bowl?

With just my name on it?

It sounds too good to be true, but--

You're not just saying that, are you, pete?

I'm not a food tease, al.

I'll fry for you,

If you can get my man back.

I'll do it.

To you, al.

To us.

[slow jazz playing]

A shoe salesman?

Come on. Nobody's a shoe salesman.

[laughs]

Well, he thought he'd start at the bottom

And stay there.

[both laugh]

Ah.

Oh, my god, it's al.

I'm out of here. No, you're not.

Hold me tight.

Maybe he'll get jealous

And finally show me some attention.

No. He's awfully big.

Yes, and he's tough too.

But don't worry, I won't let him hurt you.

How dare you.

Oh, al.

I'm so glad you're here.

The things he wanted me to do.

Kick a hole in him, honey.

Is your name andy?

Yes, sir.

Get over there!

Ooh, marcie.

Al's gonna kick the hell out of andy.

He does care.

Look, I don't care what you're doing with my wife.

But you got a good man at home

That any man would be proud to call his wife.

He cooks, he cleans, he works.

You've obviously gotten over

That little "he's a man" thing.

So, what else do you want from the poor guy?

Oh, marcie.

Al's so cute when he's jealous.

Now, I'm the one that ought to be going out at night.

I'm married to that over there.

But you... You ought to be home with a man

Who can bake a potato like nobody's business.

You had pete's potato?

I did.

And I would have had his peach cobbler too,

If the damn dog didn't come get his bowl back.

Now you go home and tell

Your wife that you love him.

[sighs]

You're right, al.

And if you don't mind my saying so,

You should go tell your wife you love her.

Mind your own business. Sorry.

[clears throat]

Well...

Guess I've got a wife to go talk to.

Oh, yeah. Me too.

Well...Mr. I-don't-care- what-you-do.

Paint you green.

You were jealous.

Uh, I was not jealous.

Was too.

Admit you care.

Oh...

Would that make you happy?

Yes.

Uh. I care.

I'm not convinced.

That's because I don't care.

Come and dance with me.

Oh, I care, I care.

Too late. Too late.

Gee, andy was real good-looking, huh?

I'm trying to count here, peg.

You know, this ought to be a lesson to you, al.

If you don't want me, there's plenty of guys that do.

Right, peg.

You should have seen the way he looked at me.

He wanted me bad.

Mm. Everybody wants you bad, peg.

Every one of us.

Oh, admit you're lucky to have me as your wife.

I could've had anyone.

I could've had andy at the snap of a finger. Heh-heh.

He was sexy. He was hot.

He was...

He was a homo, peg.

[♪]