Original subtitles

[♪]

[sniffling & coughing]

So are you really sick?

You're not just trying to get out of going to see my mother?

Now, peg, that hurts.

You know how much I love that huge, fat woman.

Yeah, we're really sick, mom.

I think we have monte cristo's revenge.

[sighing] well...

Mom is gonna be really disappointed.

You know, ever since her dog, rusty, died,

The only comfort she has

Is patting your head till she falls asleep.

I am not a labrador retriever.

And I never bought the fact that a full-grown dog

Could accidentally wrap itself in bacon

And fall in a microwave oven.

Well, what other explanation could there have been?

Well, maybe he could have told us

If his mouth hadn't been accidentally toothpicked shut.

You know, I don't know.

They find one flea collar in your bed,

And you're branded for life as a dog-eater.

Oh, well.

Gee, I wonder what's taking bud so long.

You know, I sent him to the magazine stand

To get mom some of those "larger women" romance novels.

She wanted the pie man always rings twice.

[chuckles]

Well...

They were all out of the pie man saga.

So I got her another old favorite:

The red fudge of courage.

[coughing]

Wait a second.

What's with them?

We're sick, so we're not going.

Hah!

I mean...

[coughs]

So that's it.

Mom, I'm telling you, they're not sick.

I saw them whispering and plotting

In clipped and hushed tones. Hm.

They don't love grandma as much as I do.

Why was I not included?

Come on, bud.

Let's go.

You gonna miss me, honey?

Well, I can't until you leave.

Well, you know, I left you plenty of food.

It's at the supermarket.

[chuckles]

Kelly: Have a good time, junior mint.

Damn you.

Damn you both.

Damn your eyes.

Peg: Come on, bud!

Grandma needs a sitz bath!

If it takes me a thousand years and a thousand lives,

I'll make you pay for this.

This I vow.

Have a good time at grandma's.

Yeah, tell her we said moo.

[coughing]

They're gone! [laughs]

[laughs]

Now, kelly,

We're gonna be spending a whole week together.

And you might hear a "yippee" or a "yeow" from me.

That doesn't mean I don't miss your mama.

Just like changing of the locks don't mean

I don't want her back.

Just adults, uh, express their sadness in different ways.

And I express mine by doing the bump.

[laughs]

Ah, life is good.

[sighs]

To me.

To us.

I meant...

Two beers for you and none for me.

[laughs]

Daddy, you know, we're gonna have a week to ourselves,

And I thought that it would be a good idea

If we did something together.

You know, we never have.

Well, sure we did.

Well, the day you were born, I carried you from the hospital.

And, uh, 10 years later, we had ice cream,

And, uh, now, here we are.

Okay, well, how about if we just talk?

Great.

So, uh...

How's school?

I'm out of school, daddy.

Good. Good. Um...

So, uh...

How old are you?

Well...

Going by the number of birthday parties

That you've thrown for me, I'm...3.

God, how the years go by.

You don't know much about me, do you?

I do know I carried you from the hospital

The day you were born.

I remember 'cause I accidentally left you

On the top of the car.

I was about to drive away

When I heard this sad, little voice say,

"stop. You're forgetting me."

So I got out, let your mother in,

And there you were.

Oh, daddy, I've never felt so close to you.

So this week, let's make sure

That we never see each other, okay?

That would bring us even closer together.

Okay. Aw. [laughing]

All right, I'll see you next week. Bye, dad.

Whatever.

[sighs]

[door closes]

At last.

Single with tv.

Ah.

Boy [on tv]: Pa? Pa, can I really keep the pig

I raised as a pet?

Man: Sure, you can, son.

Now, uh, run along and do your chores.

[door closes]

[three gunshots]

[pig squeals]

The boy sure is dumb.

[western music intro playing on tv]

Man [on tv] & al: ♪ who's that ridin' into the sun? ♪

♪ who's the man with the itchy gun? ♪

♪ who's the man who kills for fun? ♪

♪ psycho dad ♪

♪ psycho dad ♪

♪ psycho dad ♪

♪ he's quick with a gun ♪

♪ but he loves his son ♪

♪ killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton ♪

♪ psycho dad! ♪

[toilet flushes]

♪ psycho dad ♪

♪ psycho dad ♪

♪ psycho dad ♪

[imitating gunshots]

Sorry, peg,

But I'm gonna have to leave you there

As a lesson to other women who don't cook for me.

Yeah.

Ah...

[laughing] hey.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Woman: Al.

Al.

Leave me alone, peg.

Al,

Let's fool around.

Go away.

Please?

You know, pleading got you married,

But it's not gonna get you--

Well...

Hello.

Are you gonna make me beg?

Oh, you will do things,

But begging will not be one of them.

Kelly: Daddy!

[moaning]

Daddy?

Mm. Hm-mm.

Daddy?

It's not what you think.

It couldn't be.

By the way, what the hell are you doing here?

I'm sick.

[groans]

Al: I wonder

What psycho dad would do in a case like this.

There, there, pumpkin. There, there.

[sniffs]

Ugh.

[door opens]

God, what a day in the shoe store.

We had a clearance sale.

We had to get rid of all our size 13dddd's.

Store was packed with women.

Well, there were actually only two in the store,

But it was wall-to-wall.

You know, you'd think--

You'd think that women with big, fat feet

Would be slim and beautiful,

But surprisingly...

[congested] daddy, I'm sick.

Will you make me some toast?

Well, kelly, you were here all day.

Couldn't you make some yourself?

No.

Heh, you are your mother's daughter, aren't you?

Would you mind telling me why you couldn't make some?

Isn't it obvious?

Because I am sick,

And if I touched the bread, then I would get my germs on it,

And then I would be eating my own germs.

Oh, and another reason is we don't have any bread.

Well, if we don't have any bread,

How can you expect me to make toast?

Aw, no.

Why didn't you call me at the store,

So I could have picked some bread up?

Isn't it obvious?

[sighs]

Because if I used the phone, then I'd be getting germs on it,

And then I would be talking to my own germs.

[mutters]

Come on, get me some bread, daddy.

Wait, I'm just waiting to hear something.

[thunder crashes]

Now, I can go.

[door opens]

Are you okay, daddy?

Oh, great.

Lucky for me, the hailstones stopped

Just as I pulled into the garage.

What are you doing?

Eatin' pizza.

Some for me?

Oh, no, it's all gone, daddy.

Too bad, 'cause it was a real good one too.

Who the hell is this?

I'm artie from pizza by jake.

You owe me 7.50, plus a tip.

I'll give you a tip.

Doors are hard.

Keep the change.

Pumpkin, let me ask you something.

If you couldn't call me at work for bread,

When did you decide you could call for pizza?

Well, I was thinking, and I remembered that old rhyme:

Feet are cold, starve for pizza.

No, wait, or is it:

Starve a pizza, eat cold feet.

Well, at least we know

Your fever's shot right past your iq.

Now,

I guess we can--

We can use that bread a little later.

[sighs]

So, what do you wanna do, dad?

Well, we could lower our heads and run into each other.

[chuckles]

Daddy, you're so funny. I love you.

Do you love me?

Well, love, hate-- look, we're a family.

What's the difference?

Now, kelly, go be sick in your room.

Daddy wants to watch tube-top wrestling.

No, but you can't, daddy.

Because tonight is the big music video countdown.

It's the top 10,000 classic videos of 1989.

Oh, come on. Watch with me, daddy.

Maybe you'll see one of your favorites.

Uh, well, I-- I really like the oldies. You know:

See me, touch me, feel me marry me, kill me

Good night, pumpkin.

Oh, one more thing, daddy.

Wh--? Why, did you hear a tornado's coming?

You want me to go out for pantyhose?

Daddy, you know I haven't worn pantyhose

Since I was 7.

Anyway, while the pizza boy was going through the drawers,

He found this.

What's that?

It's a bell.

Remember?

Mom got it last April fools'?

She'd ring it,

And you'd think dinner was ready,

So you'd come running down the stairs

With a big smile on your face.

And then when there'd be nothing to eat,

We'd all be laughing and pointing.

And then-- then you'd go on upstairs all sad and hungry.

Please stop, daddy.

If I laugh, I'm gonna cough.

But I was starving.

[laughing]

"I was starv--"

[coughing]

Oh, god, you crack me up.

Anyway, I just thought that it would be a good idea

To call you when I need something.

But don't worry, I'm not gonna use it

Unless it is really, truly necessary, okay?

[bell ringing]

[heavy metal music playing on tv]

What? What?

Oh, hi, daddy.

Oh, I was just playing along with the video.

[chuckles]

And for the lack of one condom,

An entire life was ruined.

[ringing]

Honey, I'm home.

How was your day?

Well, a wealthy executive's life is a busy one,

But why should I bore you with that?

Here's my paycheck.

So, what did you do today, dear?

Well, I watched tv

And drank beer.

You're so clever.

I do what I can.

Well, do what you can with me.

[bell ringing]

Kelly: Daddy!

Daddy-y!

[bell ringing]

Daddy!

What is it?

What is it?

I can't sleep.

Well, have you tried counting something?

Like the seconds you have left to live?

I want you to tell me a bedtime story.

You know, like you never did when I was a child.

Please?

That's not going to work.

Please?

Okay.

It's not a happy story.

It's a story of great sadness and woe.

Once upon a time...

There was a man who sold shoes.

He was a good man,

But, somehow,

Good things never came to him.

Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school?

People cheered him.

That was before the...

Red thing appeared.

Darkness fell on shoetown.

Who would take on the red beast?

Who would battle?

Who would marry it?

The little shoe man stepped forward.

Or perhaps the others just stepped back...

At any rate,

An unholy union was born.

So were two unholy children.

And the lowly shoe man,

Who once had been a mighty athlete in high school

And scored four touchdowns in one game

And had many offers to junior colleges

And could have made something of his life...

Laid down...

And died.

The end.

Al.

As in, al night long?

As in, al I want.

Well, then, al you shall have.

Honey, I'm home!

Al hercules bundy!

Who is this person?

Who's this, alzy?

Well?

Well?

Well, obviously, I'm having a hell of a dream.

Rather--

Rather than take time and explain it all,

Why don't you two just fight over me right here on the bed

While I watch and take pictures.

And the winner

Gets to have me first.

And third,

And fifth.

You may begin.

[both grunting]

Girls.

There's not enough hair whipping around.

Al, this is really no fun unless you...

[seductively] join us.

Yes, please join us.

Well...

Okay.

Here comes daddy.

[bell ringing]

[grunts]

[ringing]

Oh, I just wanted you to see

How cute buck looked with the bell.

[laughing]

[bell bounces twice]

[tires screech]

[crash]

Oh, daddy, one more thing.

[monstrous voice] what do you want?

I want--

I want--

[sneezes]

I wanna say good night.

[chuckles]

[al coughs]

God, I feel great.

I am so glad I'm over with that cold.

It was death.

So how are you today, daddy?

Mm.

I'm better. My fever is down to 120 now.

Well, I just wanted to thank you

For taking care of me all week.

That was very sweet of you, daddy.

And if there is anything that you want,

You just ask.

Well, thank you, honey.

I could use maybe a little crust of--

[horn honks]

Oops. I gotta go. Goodbye.

Fine. Go.

No eat, no drink, no money have I none.

Well, at least there's one thing

They can't take away from me.

Woman: Al.

Al.

Coming.

It's enema time!

[laughs]

Someone ring the bell.

Oh, god! I can't wake up!

Al: Help me!

[♪]