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1
00:00:03,001 --> 00:00:05,036
[♪]
2
00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:17,175
[sniffling & coughing]
3
00:01:20,947 --> 00:01:22,980
So are you really sick?
4
00:01:22,981 --> 00:01:26,050
You're not just trying to get
out of going to see my mother?
5
00:01:27,953 --> 00:01:29,654
Now, peg, that hurts.
6
00:01:31,457 --> 00:01:34,459
You know how much I love
that huge, fat woman.
7
00:01:36,896 --> 00:01:39,163
Yeah, we're
really sick, mom.
8
00:01:39,164 --> 00:01:41,499
I think we have
monte cristo's revenge.
9
00:01:42,735 --> 00:01:44,268
[sighing]
well...
10
00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:47,772
Mom is gonna be
really disappointed.
11
00:01:47,773 --> 00:01:49,774
You know, ever since her dog,
rusty, died,
12
00:01:49,775 --> 00:01:52,010
The only comfort she has
13
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:54,913
Is patting your head
till she falls asleep.
14
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,848
I am not
a labrador retriever.
15
00:01:56,849 --> 00:01:59,784
And I never bought the fact
that a full-grown dog
16
00:01:59,785 --> 00:02:01,786
Could accidentally wrap itself
in bacon
17
00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:04,756
And fall
in a microwave oven.
18
00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:07,659
Well, what other explanation
could there have been?
19
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,127
Well, maybe he could
have told us
20
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:12,863
If his mouth hadn't been
accidentally toothpicked shut.
21
00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:17,202
You know, I don't know.
22
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:18,870
They find one flea collar
in your bed,
23
00:02:18,871 --> 00:02:21,540
And you're branded
for life as a dog-eater.
24
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:22,774
Oh, well.
25
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:25,176
Gee, I wonder
what's taking bud so long.
26
00:02:25,177 --> 00:02:26,978
You know, I sent him
to the magazine stand
27
00:02:26,979 --> 00:02:30,114
To get mom some of those
"larger women" romance novels.
28
00:02:30,115 --> 00:02:32,317
She wanted
the pie man always rings twice.
29
00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:33,618
[chuckles]
30
00:02:36,555 --> 00:02:37,722
Well...
31
00:02:37,723 --> 00:02:39,524
They were all out
of the pie man saga.
32
00:02:39,525 --> 00:02:41,425
So I got her another
old favorite:
33
00:02:41,426 --> 00:02:44,429
The red fudgeof courage.
34
00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:46,531
[coughing]
35
00:02:46,532 --> 00:02:48,132
Wait a second.
36
00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:49,534
What's with them?
37
00:02:49,535 --> 00:02:51,403
We're sick,
so we're not going.
38
00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:52,904
Hah!
39
00:02:52,905 --> 00:02:53,905
I mean...
40
00:02:53,906 --> 00:02:54,939
[coughs]
41
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:58,543
So that's it.
42
00:02:58,544 --> 00:03:01,379
Mom, I'm telling you,
they're not sick.
43
00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:02,947
I saw them whispering
and plotting
44
00:03:02,948 --> 00:03:06,117
In clipped
and hushed tones.
Hm.
45
00:03:06,118 --> 00:03:09,287
They don't love grandma
as much as I do.
46
00:03:09,855 --> 00:03:11,889
Why was I
not included?
47
00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:14,192
Come on, bud.
48
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:15,293
Let's go.
49
00:03:15,294 --> 00:03:16,995
You gonna miss me,
honey?
50
00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:19,197
Well, I can't
until you leave.
51
00:03:24,402 --> 00:03:26,604
Well, you know,
I left you plenty of food.
52
00:03:26,605 --> 00:03:27,872
It's at the supermarket.
53
00:03:27,873 --> 00:03:28,873
[chuckles]
54
00:03:30,442 --> 00:03:32,510
Kelly:
Have a good time,
junior mint.
55
00:03:33,712 --> 00:03:34,712
Damn you.
56
00:03:36,081 --> 00:03:37,081
Damn you both.
57
00:03:38,183 --> 00:03:39,450
Damn your eyes.
58
00:03:40,619 --> 00:03:42,153
Peg:
Come on, bud!
59
00:03:42,154 --> 00:03:44,555
Grandma needs
a sitz bath!
60
00:03:49,161 --> 00:03:52,030
If it takes me a thousand years
and a thousand lives,
61
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,132
I'll make you pay
for this.
62
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,467
This I vow.
63
00:03:58,504 --> 00:04:00,271
Have a good time
at grandma's.
64
00:04:00,272 --> 00:04:01,839
Yeah, tell her we said moo.
65
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,274
[coughing]
66
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:09,648
They're gone!
[laughs]
67
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:10,848
[laughs]
68
00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:18,790
Now, kelly,
69
00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:20,992
We're gonna be spending
a whole week together.
70
00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:24,228
And you might hear a "yippee"
or a "yeow" from me.
71
00:04:24,229 --> 00:04:26,731
That doesn't mean
I don't miss your mama.
72
00:04:26,732 --> 00:04:28,533
Just like changing
of the locks don't mean
73
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,835
I don't want her back.
74
00:04:30,836 --> 00:04:34,706
Just adults, uh, express
their sadness in different ways.
75
00:04:34,707 --> 00:04:36,808
And I express mine
by doing the bump.
76
00:04:38,477 --> 00:04:40,411
[laughs]
77
00:04:40,412 --> 00:04:42,013
Ah, life is good.
78
00:04:42,014 --> 00:04:43,815
[sighs]
79
00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:44,816
To me.
80
00:04:44,817 --> 00:04:46,551
To us.
81
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:52,490
I meant...
82
00:04:52,491 --> 00:04:56,827
Two beers for you
and none for me.
83
00:05:03,435 --> 00:05:05,403
[laughs]
84
00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:07,671
Daddy, you know, we're gonna
have a week to ourselves,
85
00:05:07,672 --> 00:05:09,374
And I thought
that it would be a good idea
86
00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:10,708
If we did something together.
87
00:05:10,709 --> 00:05:12,010
You know,
we never have.
88
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:13,644
Well, sure we did.
89
00:05:13,645 --> 00:05:17,381
Well, the day you were born,
I carried you from the hospital.
90
00:05:17,382 --> 00:05:20,117
And, uh, 10 years later,
we had ice cream,
91
00:05:20,118 --> 00:05:23,455
And, uh, now, here we are.
92
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:26,791
Okay, well, how about
if we just talk?
93
00:05:26,792 --> 00:05:27,992
Great.
94
00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:29,727
So, uh...
95
00:05:29,728 --> 00:05:30,962
How's school?
96
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:32,097
I'm out of school,
daddy.
97
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,699
Good. Good. Um...
98
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,502
So, uh...
99
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:38,803
How old are you?
100
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:43,374
Well...
101
00:05:43,375 --> 00:05:45,076
Going by the number
of birthday parties
102
00:05:45,077 --> 00:05:47,878
That you've thrown
for me, I'm...3.
103
00:05:49,481 --> 00:05:51,182
God, how the years go by.
104
00:05:52,751 --> 00:05:54,552
You don't know much
about me, do you?
105
00:05:54,553 --> 00:05:56,086
I do know I carried you
from the hospital
106
00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:57,254
The day you were born.
107
00:05:57,255 --> 00:05:59,056
I remember 'cause
I accidentally left you
108
00:05:59,057 --> 00:06:00,491
On the top of the car.
109
00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:04,295
I was about to drive away
110
00:06:04,296 --> 00:06:06,297
When I heard this sad,
little voice say,
111
00:06:06,298 --> 00:06:08,599
"stop. You're forgetting me."
112
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:09,967
So I got out,
let your mother in,
113
00:06:09,968 --> 00:06:12,570
And there you were.
114
00:06:15,207 --> 00:06:17,942
Oh, daddy, I've never felt
so close to you.
115
00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:19,443
So this week,
let's make sure
116
00:06:19,444 --> 00:06:21,246
That we never see
each other, okay?
117
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:23,081
That would bring us
even closer together.
118
00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:24,382
Okay. Aw.
[laughing]
119
00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:26,384
All right, I'll see you
next week. Bye, dad.
120
00:06:26,385 --> 00:06:27,552
Whatever.
121
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,023
[sighs]
122
00:06:33,024 --> 00:06:34,024
[door closes]
123
00:06:34,025 --> 00:06:35,693
At last.
124
00:06:35,694 --> 00:06:37,228
Single with tv.
125
00:06:37,229 --> 00:06:39,196
Ah.
126
00:06:39,197 --> 00:06:42,300
Boy [on tv]:
Pa? Pa, can I reallykeep the pig
127
00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:43,534
I raised as a pet?
128
00:06:43,535 --> 00:06:45,136
Man:
Sure, you can, son.
129
00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:48,072
Now, uh, run alongand do your chores.
130
00:06:48,073 --> 00:06:49,741
[door closes]
131
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:51,041
[three gunshots]
132
00:06:51,042 --> 00:06:52,644
[pig squeals]
133
00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:55,446
The boy sure is dumb.
134
00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:57,248
[western music intro
playing on tv]
135
00:06:57,249 --> 00:07:00,418
Man [on tv] & al:
♪ who's that ridin'into the sun? ♪
136
00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:03,655
♪ who's the manwith the itchy gun? ♪
137
00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:06,758
♪ who's the manwho kills for fun? ♪
138
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,593
♪ psycho dad ♪
139
00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:11,095
♪ psycho dad ♪
140
00:07:11,096 --> 00:07:12,563
♪ psycho dad ♪
141
00:07:12,564 --> 00:07:14,599
♪ he's quick with a gun ♪
142
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,468
♪ but he loves his son ♪
143
00:07:17,469 --> 00:07:20,638
♪ killed his wife'cause she weighed a ton ♪
144
00:07:20,639 --> 00:07:22,774
♪ psycho dad! ♪
145
00:07:25,177 --> 00:07:27,645
[toilet flushes]
146
00:07:28,947 --> 00:07:30,515
♪ psycho dad ♪
147
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:32,350
♪ psycho dad ♪
148
00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:35,152
♪ psycho dad ♪
149
00:07:35,987 --> 00:07:37,588
[imitating gunshots]
150
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:44,094
Sorry, peg,
151
00:07:44,095 --> 00:07:45,663
But I'm gonna have
to leave you there
152
00:07:45,664 --> 00:07:48,199
As a lesson to other women
who don't cook for me.
153
00:07:51,837 --> 00:07:53,070
Yeah.
154
00:07:53,071 --> 00:07:54,238
Ah...
155
00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:01,645
[laughing]
hey.
156
00:08:05,450 --> 00:08:06,584
Yeah.
157
00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:14,626
[sighs]
158
00:08:19,632 --> 00:08:21,365
Woman:
Al.
159
00:08:21,366 --> 00:08:23,300
Al.
160
00:08:26,271 --> 00:08:28,773
Leave me alone, peg.
161
00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:29,841
Al,
162
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:32,209
Let's fool around.
163
00:08:32,210 --> 00:08:35,913
Go away.
164
00:08:35,914 --> 00:08:37,649
Please?
165
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,216
You know,
pleading got you married,
166
00:08:39,217 --> 00:08:41,019
But it's not gonna get you--
167
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,260
Well...
168
00:08:49,261 --> 00:08:50,762
Hello.
169
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:56,033
Are you gonna make me beg?
170
00:08:56,034 --> 00:08:57,268
Oh, you will do things,
171
00:08:57,269 --> 00:09:00,805
But begging will not be one
of them.
172
00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,840
Kelly:
Daddy!
173
00:09:03,375 --> 00:09:04,909
[moaning]
174
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:07,779
Daddy?
175
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:10,815
Mm. Hm-mm.
176
00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:13,317
Daddy?
177
00:09:16,588 --> 00:09:19,591
It's not what you think.
178
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:21,960
It couldn't be.
179
00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,928
By the way, what the hell
are you doing here?
180
00:09:23,929 --> 00:09:26,063
I'm sick.
181
00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:27,831
[groans]
182
00:09:27,832 --> 00:09:29,166
Al:
I wonder
183
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,836
What psycho dad would doin a case like this.
184
00:09:34,739 --> 00:09:37,408
There, there, pumpkin.
There, there.
185
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:45,849
[sniffs]
186
00:09:45,850 --> 00:09:47,385
Ugh.
187
00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:48,519
[door opens]
188
00:09:51,056 --> 00:09:53,024
God, what a day
in the shoe store.
189
00:09:54,826 --> 00:09:56,394
We had a clearance sale.
190
00:09:56,395 --> 00:10:00,764
We had to get rid
of all our size 13dddd's.
191
00:10:00,765 --> 00:10:03,134
Store was packed with women.
192
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:05,202
Well, there were actually
only two in the store,
193
00:10:05,203 --> 00:10:07,471
But it was wall-to-wall.
194
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,807
You know, you'd think--
195
00:10:09,808 --> 00:10:11,575
You'd think that women
with big, fat feet
196
00:10:11,576 --> 00:10:12,944
Would be slim and beautiful,
197
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:15,746
But surprisingly...
198
00:10:16,481 --> 00:10:18,015
[congested]
daddy, I'm sick.
199
00:10:18,016 --> 00:10:19,884
Will you make me
some toast?
200
00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:21,953
Well, kelly,
you were here all day.
201
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,255
Couldn't you make
some yourself?
202
00:10:24,256 --> 00:10:25,690
No.
203
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:28,993
Heh, you are your mother's
daughter, aren't you?
204
00:10:28,994 --> 00:10:31,529
Would you mind telling me
why you couldn't make some?
205
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,764
Isn't it obvious?
206
00:10:33,765 --> 00:10:35,299
Because I am sick,
207
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:38,168
And if I touched the bread,
then I would get my germs on it,
208
00:10:38,169 --> 00:10:40,838
And then I would be eating
my own germs.
209
00:10:45,143 --> 00:10:47,711
Oh, and another reason is
we don't have any bread.
210
00:10:49,247 --> 00:10:50,647
Well, if we don't have
any bread,
211
00:10:50,648 --> 00:10:52,349
How can you expect me
to make toast?
212
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:55,887
Aw, no.
213
00:10:55,888 --> 00:10:57,388
Why didn't you call me
at the store,
214
00:10:57,389 --> 00:10:59,190
So I could have picked
some bread up?
215
00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:01,159
Isn't it obvious?
216
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,660
[sighs]
217
00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:05,462
Because if I used the phone,
then I'd be getting germs on it,
218
00:11:05,463 --> 00:11:07,999
And then I would be talking
to my own germs.
219
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,801
[mutters]
220
00:11:10,969 --> 00:11:13,304
Come on, get me
some bread, daddy.
221
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:15,540
Wait, I'm just waiting
to hear something.
222
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:17,475
[thunder crashes]
223
00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:22,980
Now, I can go.
224
00:11:29,554 --> 00:11:30,755
[door opens]
225
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:35,093
Are you okay, daddy?
226
00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:36,527
Oh, great.
227
00:11:36,528 --> 00:11:38,128
Lucky for me,
the hailstones stopped
228
00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:40,464
Just as I pulled
into the garage.
229
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:43,501
What are you doing?
230
00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:44,869
Eatin' pizza.
231
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,137
Some for me?
232
00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:48,806
Oh, no, it's all gone, daddy.
233
00:11:48,807 --> 00:11:52,276
Too bad, 'cause it was
a real good one too.
234
00:11:52,277 --> 00:11:53,845
Who the hell is this?
235
00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:55,946
I'm artie
from pizza by jake.
236
00:11:58,550 --> 00:12:02,019
You owe me 7.50,
plus a tip.
237
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:03,387
I'll give you a tip.
238
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:14,531
Doors are hard.
239
00:12:16,434 --> 00:12:18,169
Keep the change.
240
00:12:25,209 --> 00:12:26,710
Pumpkin,
let me ask you something.
241
00:12:26,711 --> 00:12:28,612
If you couldn't call me
at work for bread,
242
00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,915
When did you decide
you could call for pizza?
243
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:34,351
Well, I was thinking,
and I remembered that old rhyme:
244
00:12:34,352 --> 00:12:38,089
Feet are cold,
starve for pizza.
245
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:39,390
No, wait, or is it:
246
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:44,095
Starve a pizza,
eat cold feet.
247
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,062
Well, at least we know
248
00:12:45,063 --> 00:12:46,830
Your fever's shot
right past your iq.
249
00:12:48,099 --> 00:12:49,299
Now,
250
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:51,168
I guess we can--
251
00:12:54,506 --> 00:12:56,073
We can use that bread
a little later.
252
00:12:56,074 --> 00:12:57,908
[sighs]
253
00:12:57,909 --> 00:12:59,710
So, what do you wanna do, dad?
254
00:12:59,711 --> 00:13:02,680
Well, we could lower our heads
and run into each other.
255
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:03,848
[chuckles]
256
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,949
Daddy, you're so funny.
I love you.
257
00:13:05,950 --> 00:13:07,150
Do you love me?
258
00:13:07,151 --> 00:13:08,952
Well, love, hate--
look, we're a family.
259
00:13:08,953 --> 00:13:10,888
What's the difference?
260
00:13:10,889 --> 00:13:13,056
Now, kelly, go be sick
in your room.
261
00:13:13,057 --> 00:13:14,992
Daddy wants to watch
tube-top wrestling.
262
00:13:14,993 --> 00:13:17,094
No, but you can't,
daddy.
263
00:13:17,095 --> 00:13:19,897
Because tonight is the big
music video countdown.
264
00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:24,034
It's the top 10,000
classic videos of 1989.
265
00:13:24,035 --> 00:13:25,836
Oh, come on.
Watch with me, daddy.
266
00:13:25,837 --> 00:13:27,538
Maybe you'll see
one of your favorites.
267
00:13:27,539 --> 00:13:29,607
Uh, well, I-- I really like
the oldies. You know:
268
00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:34,044
See me, touch me, feel memarry me, kill me
269
00:13:36,281 --> 00:13:37,681
Good night, pumpkin.
270
00:13:37,682 --> 00:13:39,183
Oh, one more thing, daddy.
271
00:13:39,184 --> 00:13:40,985
Wh--? Why, did you hear
a tornado's coming?
272
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,887
You want me to go out
for pantyhose?
273
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:45,356
Daddy, you know
I haven't worn pantyhose
274
00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:48,058
Since I was 7.
275
00:13:48,059 --> 00:13:50,795
Anyway, while the pizza boy
was going through the drawers,
276
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:53,764
He found this.
277
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,199
What's that?
278
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,801
It's a bell.
279
00:13:57,802 --> 00:13:59,003
Remember?
280
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,005
Mom got it last April fools'?
281
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,139
She'd ring it,
282
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:03,607
And you'd think
dinner was ready,
283
00:14:03,608 --> 00:14:05,242
So you'd come
running down the stairs
284
00:14:05,243 --> 00:14:06,510
With a big smile
on your face.
285
00:14:06,511 --> 00:14:08,211
And then when there'd be
nothing to eat,
286
00:14:08,212 --> 00:14:09,713
We'd all be laughing
and pointing.
287
00:14:09,714 --> 00:14:12,916
And then-- then you'd go on
upstairs all sad and hungry.
288
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,455
Please stop, daddy.
289
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:20,057
If I laugh,
I'm gonna cough.
290
00:14:20,058 --> 00:14:21,893
But I was starving.
291
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,961
[laughing]
292
00:14:23,962 --> 00:14:24,962
"I was starv--"
293
00:14:24,963 --> 00:14:27,932
[coughing]
294
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,268
Oh, god,
you crack me up.
295
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,803
Anyway, I just thought
that it would be a good idea
296
00:14:32,804 --> 00:14:34,438
To call you
when I need something.
297
00:14:34,439 --> 00:14:36,007
But don't worry,
I'm not gonna use it
298
00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,675
Unless it is really,
truly necessary, okay?
299
00:14:39,878 --> 00:14:41,879
[bell ringing]
300
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,483
[heavy metal music
playing on tv]
301
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:47,651
What? What?
302
00:14:48,486 --> 00:14:49,853
Oh, hi, daddy.
303
00:14:49,854 --> 00:14:51,721
Oh, I was just playing along
with the video.
304
00:14:51,722 --> 00:14:53,357
[chuckles]
305
00:14:53,358 --> 00:14:55,359
And for the lack
of one condom,
306
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,261
An entire life was ruined.
307
00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:00,564
[ringing]
308
00:15:06,371 --> 00:15:08,639
Honey, I'm home.
309
00:15:12,377 --> 00:15:14,378
How was your day?
310
00:15:14,379 --> 00:15:17,715
Well, a wealthy executive's
life is a busy one,
311
00:15:17,716 --> 00:15:19,650
But why should I
bore you with that?
312
00:15:20,385 --> 00:15:22,553
Here's my paycheck.
313
00:15:24,355 --> 00:15:26,490
So, what did
you do today, dear?
314
00:15:26,491 --> 00:15:29,126
Well, I watched tv
315
00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:31,896
And drank beer.
316
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:34,031
You're so clever.
317
00:15:34,032 --> 00:15:35,466
I do what I can.
318
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:38,001
Well, do what you can with me.
319
00:15:43,574 --> 00:15:44,909
[bell ringing]
320
00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:46,576
Kelly:
Daddy!
321
00:15:47,312 --> 00:15:50,314
Daddy-y!
322
00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:53,150
[bell ringing]
323
00:15:56,921 --> 00:15:59,623
Daddy!
324
00:15:59,624 --> 00:16:00,958
What is it?
325
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:02,693
What is it?
326
00:16:03,795 --> 00:16:05,696
I can't sleep.
327
00:16:07,098 --> 00:16:08,899
Well, have you tried
counting something?
328
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,737
Like the seconds
you have left to live?
329
00:16:12,738 --> 00:16:15,839
I want you to tell me
a bedtime story.
330
00:16:17,442 --> 00:16:20,144
You know, like you never did
when I was a child.
331
00:16:21,346 --> 00:16:22,480
Please?
332
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:23,880
That's not going to work.
333
00:16:24,749 --> 00:16:25,850
Please?
334
00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:27,451
Okay.
335
00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:36,627
It's not a happy story.
336
00:16:37,929 --> 00:16:41,632
It's a story
of great sadness and woe.
337
00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:44,901
Once upon a time...
338
00:16:44,902 --> 00:16:49,139
There was a man
who sold shoes.
339
00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:50,140
He was a good man,
340
00:16:50,141 --> 00:16:51,842
But, somehow,
341
00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:55,746
Good things never came
to him.
342
00:16:55,747 --> 00:16:59,350
Did I mention he was
a great athlete in high school?
343
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:00,917
People cheered him.
344
00:17:02,687 --> 00:17:04,355
That was before the...
345
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:06,523
Red thing appeared.
346
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,796
Darkness fell
on shoetown.
347
00:17:12,797 --> 00:17:15,432
Who would take on
the red beast?
348
00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:17,634
Who would battle?
349
00:17:17,635 --> 00:17:19,870
Who would marry it?
350
00:17:21,205 --> 00:17:25,008
The little shoe man
stepped forward.
351
00:17:25,009 --> 00:17:29,079
Or perhaps the others
just stepped back...
352
00:17:29,814 --> 00:17:31,515
At any rate,
353
00:17:31,516 --> 00:17:35,386
An unholy union was born.
354
00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:38,955
So were two unholy children.
355
00:17:38,956 --> 00:17:40,991
And the lowly shoe man,
356
00:17:40,992 --> 00:17:43,093
Who once had been a mighty
athlete in high school
357
00:17:43,094 --> 00:17:44,895
And scored four touchdowns
in one game
358
00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:46,663
And had many offers
to junior colleges
359
00:17:46,664 --> 00:17:49,232
And could have made something
of his life...
360
00:17:53,738 --> 00:17:55,572
Laid down...
361
00:17:55,573 --> 00:17:57,408
And died.
362
00:17:59,444 --> 00:18:01,211
The end.
363
00:18:08,219 --> 00:18:10,354
Al.
364
00:18:12,890 --> 00:18:16,360
As in,
al night long?
365
00:18:19,530 --> 00:18:22,532
As in, al I want.
366
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:27,103
Well, then,
al you shall have.
367
00:18:28,472 --> 00:18:31,241
Honey, I'm home!
368
00:18:32,944 --> 00:18:36,079
Al hercules bundy!
369
00:18:36,881 --> 00:18:38,249
Who is this person?
370
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,450
Who's this, alzy?
371
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,586
Well?
372
00:18:42,587 --> 00:18:45,656
Well?
373
00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:49,092
Well, obviously,
I'm having a hell of a dream.
374
00:18:51,562 --> 00:18:52,729
Rather--
375
00:18:52,730 --> 00:18:54,497
Rather than take time
and explain it all,
376
00:18:54,498 --> 00:18:58,201
Why don't you two just fight
over me right here on the bed
377
00:18:58,202 --> 00:19:00,370
While I watch
and take pictures.
378
00:19:03,808 --> 00:19:05,209
And the winner
379
00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:07,411
Gets to have me first.
380
00:19:08,713 --> 00:19:09,779
And third,
381
00:19:09,780 --> 00:19:11,648
And fifth.
382
00:19:12,984 --> 00:19:14,451
You may begin.
383
00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:17,187
[both grunting]
384
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:22,359
Girls.
385
00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:25,496
There's not enough hair
whipping around.
386
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:40,877
Al, this is really no fun
unless you...
387
00:19:40,878 --> 00:19:42,912
[seductively]
join us.
388
00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:46,317
Yes, please join us.
389
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:48,618
Well...
390
00:19:48,619 --> 00:19:50,087
Okay.
391
00:19:51,923 --> 00:19:53,624
Here comes daddy.
392
00:19:54,392 --> 00:19:56,760
[bell ringing]
393
00:19:56,761 --> 00:19:58,095
[grunts]
394
00:20:10,108 --> 00:20:11,408
[ringing]
395
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:16,546
Oh, I just wanted you
to see
396
00:20:16,547 --> 00:20:19,783
How cute buck looked
with the bell.
397
00:20:19,784 --> 00:20:21,985
[laughing]
398
00:20:27,992 --> 00:20:30,393
[bell bounces twice]
399
00:20:30,394 --> 00:20:31,394
[tires screech]
400
00:20:31,395 --> 00:20:33,697
[crash]
401
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:37,534
Oh, daddy,
one more thing.
402
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:42,840
[monstrous voice]
what do you want?
403
00:20:45,610 --> 00:20:47,444
I want--
404
00:20:47,445 --> 00:20:49,179
I want--
405
00:20:49,180 --> 00:20:51,181
[sneezes]
406
00:20:53,384 --> 00:20:54,718
I wanna say good night.
407
00:20:54,719 --> 00:20:56,186
[chuckles]
408
00:21:00,458 --> 00:21:02,893
[al coughs]
409
00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:05,595
God, I feel great.
410
00:21:05,596 --> 00:21:07,530
I am so glad
I'm over with that cold.
411
00:21:07,531 --> 00:21:09,166
It was death.
412
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:11,401
So how are you today,
daddy?
413
00:21:11,402 --> 00:21:12,535
Mm.
414
00:21:12,536 --> 00:21:17,141
I'm better.
My fever is down to 120 now.
415
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:18,776
Well, I just wanted
to thank you
416
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:20,277
For taking care
of me all week.
417
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,079
That was very sweet
of you, daddy.
418
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,747
And if there is anything
that you want,
419
00:21:23,748 --> 00:21:25,515
You just ask.
420
00:21:25,516 --> 00:21:26,884
Well, thank you,
honey.
421
00:21:26,885 --> 00:21:29,153
I could use maybe
a little crust of--
422
00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,154
[horn honks]
423
00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:32,122
Oops. I gotta go.
Goodbye.
424
00:21:33,024 --> 00:21:34,224
Fine. Go.
425
00:21:38,362 --> 00:21:41,297
No eat, no drink,
no money have I none.
426
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,069
Well, at least
there's one thing
427
00:21:46,070 --> 00:21:48,171
They can't take away
from me.
428
00:21:53,310 --> 00:21:55,512
Woman:
Al.
429
00:21:55,513 --> 00:21:58,348
Al.
430
00:22:00,217 --> 00:22:01,852
Coming.
431
00:22:08,793 --> 00:22:10,761
It's enema time!
432
00:22:10,762 --> 00:22:12,029
[laughs]
433
00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:16,099
Someone ring the bell.
434
00:22:19,204 --> 00:22:21,605
Oh, god!
I can't wake up!
435
00:22:24,242 --> 00:22:26,976
Al:
Help me!
436
00:22:39,557 --> 00:22:41,625
[♪]
28608
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