Original subtitles

[♪]

Tv announcer: Today on becky: "men: Scum or slime?"

Tv announcer 2: Today on lorraine: "men: Couldn't you just puke?"

Tv announcer 3: Today on sharyn, "men: Upright dogs with paychecks?"

That's what I hate about this time of year.

Nothing on but reruns.

Oh, hi, honey.

Ow!

What is it, peg, couch sores?

No, it's tv thumb.

But, I'm a housewife. It goes with the territory.

So how was your day?

Peg, it was the worst day--

That's nice, dear.

I want a vacation.

I need to do something different.

No problem.

Next week when you're watching tv,

Try watching with your mouth closed.

I'm serious, al.

They always give you a vacation.

Remember last April?

That was my hernia operation, peg.

And then what about christmas day?

You remember?

You didn't have to go in until 2.

Yeah, what a day.

Between stepping over your egg-nogged body

And thawing out my underwear

You so thoughtfully left on the clothesline outside...

I did have about five seconds of fun.

It was watching all those stars

When I stepped on the shovel bud left buried in the snow.

Why is it that whenever I want something,

All you can talk about is yourself?

It's always my back, my hernia, my 'roids.

Don't you see the rut our lives have become?

I need a vacation.

Peg, if you want to visit someplace new, try the kitchen.

And while you're out there,

Don't forgot to take a picture by the refrigerator.

You know, old empty.

God, I hate men!

I thought you were man's best friend.

Oh, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, marcie.

Oh, shut up, you hamhock.

Peggy, read this note from steve.

It was waiting on my pillow when I came home from work.

"dear marcie--"

"dear marcie" my sweet patootie!

The geek is leaving me!

Oh, he doesn't mean that. He loves you.

I guess you're right.

He probably meant to say that when he wrote this:

"frankly, I'm sick of you. You disgust me.

"I had a full head of hair when I met you...

And I'm sure my nose grew during our marriage."

He says he's going to yosemite to be a park ranger.

He's rejected materialism

And all the evils brought about by the quest for money.

Oh. And he's suing me for alimony.

[laughing]

Be strong, marce. You don't need a man.

I mean, what are they good for?

They sit there like a lump.

They pick, they burp, they let one fly.

And then they smile like they just won the nobel prize.

Oh.

And then once a month, they roll over on you

On their way to the bathroom,

And they call that loving.

Not that you're not the best, baby.

You should feel lucky steve left you.

This is the dawn of a new age for you, marce.

You know, peggy. You're right.

I can do better than steve.

I have my health.

Both: Right.

I have my youth.

Right. Yup.

I've got my looks.

Thank god I have you for a support group.

Well, it's steve's loss.

If he can't handle a strong, intelligent woman,

Then tough noogies on him.

That's right, marce.

He'll come crawling back to you.

He will. I think this is just gonna blow over.

You'll be just fine.

Go ahead. Go home.

Right.

I'm gonna go home...

And cut the crotches out of all of his pants.

And drag his ties through dog poo.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just one less egg to fry.

[doorbell rings]

I don't want to be alone.

I'm afraid, I'm weak and helpless.

There, there. There, there.

Now...Peel her off me, will you?

Now, marcie. It's gonna be all right.

You can just stay here with us.

[mouths] no.

I won't be in the way?

Oh, of course not. [mouthing words]

Oh, you're good people...

And good friends.

Marcie, you're more like family.

Al...Brush the fleas off buck's blanket.

We have a guest.

"gee, garfield, are those leftovers?"

[laughing]

Hi, kelly. I...See your butt's moving.

You must be reading.

Gee, bud, you look a little bit pale.

It must be your face trying to peek out from behind your pimples.

Oh, big news in the neighborhood.

Mr. Rhoades dropped mrs. Rhoades like an old shoe.

No kidding?

Yup. He left her to go be a ranger in that park?

You know, the one where yogi bear lives?

Jellystone national park?

No, the other one. Yose-might.

Man...How do you leave a babe like that?

You know, bud... This could be your big chance.

What do you mean?

Well, mrs. Rhoades is staying with us tonight.

She's man-less.

And you must have seen how she looks at you.

Well, sure.

How?

Bud, don't be a cowpie your whole life.

She's hot for you.

She's reaching her sexual peak.

You're reaching your sexual peak, sad as that may be.

I mean, this could be your big chance.

And what woman wouldn't want a virgin?

Yeah!

I'll-- I'll lie to her about that part, but, uh...

When do you think I should make my move?

You'll know when the time is right.

Man! I'm gonna get me an old woman.

What an idiot.

"odie, did you eat my la-sag-knee?"

[laughs]

Hi, mrs. Rhoades.

I guess you heard the news.

Oh, you mean about how mr. Rhoades used and left you

Like you were the hand wipe in the men's room at the bus station?

Ahem, yes. That news.

Straw head.

Mrs. Rhoades, let me help you out.

See, you're a nerd girl.

And nerd girls get dumped.

It's as inevitable as death in texas.

So, what you've gotta do is get yourself a new guy.

Oh, no more men for me.

The next man that lays a finger on me, I'll slap him silly.

Excuse me.

What are you gonna do if a man touches you?

Slap them silly.

[laughs]

Kelly: She's primed and ready. Go!

Coo-coo-ca-choo, mrs. Robinson.

Oh, hi, bud. My, you look nice.

Uhh, so do I.

Listen, uh...

I know you're hurting, babe.

I just wanted to say if you need a friend or a...

Shoulder to lean on or...

A knee to bounce on...

Just dial "a" for "all night long."

Why, thank you, bud. I appreciate that.

Actually...I really do need someone to talk to.

Steve and I have been together for so long.

I understand.

How could I have been so blind?

Look, uh, let's cut through the fancy talk.

We both know what we want here. Mm. Mm.

[loud slap]

And if you ever touch me again,

I will slap you so hard, even your name will be swollen.

Got me?

[squealing] uh-huh.

What did I do wrong?

Nothing.

Don't you know anything about women?

Well, no.

Well, I do.

Her fists were saying "no, no,"

But there was "yes, yes," in her eyes.

Really?

Sure. Listen,

Next time she bends over, you just take...

Hi, marcie.

Listen...I want you to be comfortable,

So I brought you this pillow.

Oh.

It's nice and soft.

Oh, yeah. It has to be.

Al uses it to sit on when his 'roids flare up.

So...How you doing?

Oh, peggy, I feel so alone, so miserable.

How am I gonna make it? What am I gonna do?

Be happy.

Forget that your husband left you.

Pretend he died.

You can't tell me you've never fantasized about that.

Come on, marcie. We all have.

[laughter]

See?

Now, what you've got to do is start thinking about yourself.

Be selfish.

I know. Take us on a vacation. Huh.

That'll show that damn al.

I-- I mean, steve.

A vacation. God, I wish I could.

But where would I get the money?

Gee...That's a tough one when you don't have kids to steal from.

I know. Sell something of steve's.

He took everything... Except his stereo.

And he wants me to crate it and ship it to him.

I guess you can't be a real park ranger

Without the theme from brigadoon blasting on your stereo.

Sell it.

I tell you what.

Would it make you feel better

If I sold something of al's and came with you?

Oh, peggy, would you?

Al: Hey, peg!

Come pop this thing under my arm!

Well, let's go first thing in the morning.

Al's a tiger after he's been popped.

I don't know, kel. I did everything you said.

I goosed her. I blew in her ear.

I even made that sexy sound with my armpit.

You think she's frigid?

You know, bud, it's time to step things up.

You've got to show her that you're for real.

Do something that screams romance.

Buy a single rose, hold it in between your teeth

And wait for her in her bed.

I know. Wear your ghostbusters jammies.

But don't tuck them in.

[grunts]

[both grunt]

What the hell's wrong with this remote control?

Well, dad, I'm no electrician,

But I'd say the trouble is the tv's gone.

Oh, and by the way, dad, so is mom.

Wait a second. Let's not gloss over this tv thing.

Where the hell is it?

Las vegas!

Woah!

Oh! The lights, the money.

The men!

I'm as giddy as a widow.

Well...Let's just check in.

After a nice bubble bath and a good night's sleep,

We'll start bright and early.

I hear they've got a really neat dam not far from here.

Oh, it's gonna be so much-- peggy?

Come on, baby.

Mama needs a new pair of men.

[coins clatter]

I won! I won!

Look! 75 cents from one quarter.

How does this place stay in business?

Let me play! Let me play!

All: Yay!

Oh. What are we messing with quarters for?

The real money's over there.

Come on, marcie, let's go.

Oh. Maybe we should take it slow.

Not when we're on a streak.

We just got here and we're almost up a buck.

We're hot.

Come on, grab the bags.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Make way. Make way.

Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Excuse me. Make way. Make way.

Oh! Don't you recognize

A lady when you see one? Ha-ha.

[coins clatter]

[laughs]

God. What did they have, a toupee sale here?

I would like $20 worth of chips

And a nubian god to carry home my winnings.

I'm marcie. I hate men.

But if you get me drunk, I'm yours.

New shooter coming out.

Okay. Give me room. Give me room.

Oh, not you. You stay close.

Let's go!

Lady...Roll them or buy them.

Thank you.

C'mon baby. Give me a seven or send me to heaven.

Seven.

[crowd cheering]

Did we win?

Of course we won.

You know what they say: Bad marriage, good luck.

Place your bets.

Okay.

Don't give me a two because my husband sells shoes.

Seven.

[crowd cheering] aah!

Oh! We won again! We won again!

How does this place stay in business?

Oh, I don't know, marce... But grease up the men and shoot the women,

Because I'm a-rolling!

Well, what are we gonna do now?

We lost all our money... In eight minutes.

We lost our plane tickets home.

And we can't even afford a room.

Yeah...

But we had fun, didn't we?

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Well, I guess I'll go fluff up a cactus and sleep in the desert.

Well, you know what they say:

The early bird catches the gila monster. Hm.

Boy, you lose your husband and your life savings.

It doesn't take much to bring you down, does it?

[laughs]

You know, I just know if I had a bigger stake,

I could break this place.

There's just got to be a way to get more money.

[sighs]

Hello, sergeant? This is al bundy again.

Listen, I'm...Really starting to get worried now.

I'm sorry. It's getting hard for me to talk.

Let me...Calm down.

A description?

Okay.

Nineteen inch, diagonal.

Has a...Maple--

Maple console.

And it's got notches in it from where the--

Where the kids grew.

[cries]

Dad, what about mom?

Oh, yeah, my wife's missing too. Uh...

What? A description?

I don't know. Listen...You guys are awful busy.

Why don't you find the tv first,

And then we'll worry about the wife.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, let me know if you hear anything, huh?

All right. Goodbye.

Why didn't I let you know how I felt about you when I had the chance?

Gee, dad, we've never seen you touched like this before.

Well, it's just that I loved that tv so much.

We all did, dad. Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

Pizza boy.

Here.

Twelve dollars, please.

Yep.

[laughs]

No, mr. Bundy, I'm gonna need cash.

Uh, your credit card was rejected.

What? That's impossible. I just paid it off.

[sighs]

Look, bundy, I held up my part of the deal.

I sideswiped a hearse to get you this pizza in 22 minutes.

Fork over the 12 bucks.

I don't have that kind of money.

Wait a second. I'll take care of this.

I know my credit's good.

Hello. Al bundy here.

Yes, "no tip" bundy.

Now, look, it seems you people made a little mistake.

Now, I ordered a pizza and it seems my credit card was-- what?

No, I did not charge $5000 in the last 10 minutes.

I see.

And just exactly where did my wife spend this alleged 5 grand?

Thank you very much.

Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat...

Because we're going to vegas!

[♪]