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1
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,904
[♪]
2
00:01:15,474 --> 00:01:18,610
Oh, let's see.
3
00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:22,814
"farmer brown has 50 potatoes
and six children.
4
00:01:22,815 --> 00:01:25,250
"if half of the potatoes
are to be divided
5
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,085
"among one-third
of the children,
6
00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:28,286
"how many potatoes
7
00:01:28,287 --> 00:01:31,523
Do each of the remaining
children get?"
8
00:01:31,524 --> 00:01:33,858
Oh, god.
9
00:01:35,694 --> 00:01:37,295
I know. I know.
10
00:01:37,296 --> 00:01:40,965
Short skirt for math,
Monday.
11
00:01:45,871 --> 00:01:47,071
How'd it go?
12
00:01:47,072 --> 00:01:49,941
Ah, he's still constipated.
13
00:01:51,377 --> 00:01:55,713
If he was any tighter,
you could wear him to the prom.
14
00:01:55,714 --> 00:01:56,981
You mean to tell me
15
00:01:56,982 --> 00:02:01,185
He didn't react at all
to the picture of you naked?
16
00:02:01,186 --> 00:02:04,889
Because just the thought of it
would work for me.
17
00:02:04,890 --> 00:02:06,591
Well, I guess we have
to give him his pill.
18
00:02:06,592 --> 00:02:07,759
Yeah, but he'll
spit it out
19
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:08,760
If we don't wrap it
20
00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:10,128
In something
that tastes good.
21
00:02:10,129 --> 00:02:12,297
Well, let's see
what we've got.
22
00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:21,139
How about this thing
in the tinfoil that's moving?
23
00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:22,206
No!
24
00:02:22,207 --> 00:02:24,943
Mom said never to touch that.
25
00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:26,110
I know.
26
00:02:27,112 --> 00:02:30,147
How about this piece of cheese?
27
00:02:30,148 --> 00:02:33,818
The mouse wouldn't eat it,
but maybe buck will.
28
00:02:33,819 --> 00:02:35,186
Well, it can't be
all that old.
29
00:02:35,187 --> 00:02:37,355
It's still green.
30
00:02:41,126 --> 00:02:42,260
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
31
00:02:43,295 --> 00:02:44,362
Here, buck.
32
00:02:44,363 --> 00:02:45,597
Come on, boy.
33
00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:48,967
Yummy, fuzzy cheese.
34
00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:52,570
Ah, I love waking up
35
00:02:52,571 --> 00:02:54,839
After your mother's
already up and out,
36
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,907
The scent of her perfume
still in the air,
37
00:02:56,908 --> 00:03:00,111
50 bucks missing
from my wallet...
38
00:03:00,112 --> 00:03:01,912
Just like
I was single.
39
00:03:01,913 --> 00:03:03,414
Hey, breakfast cheese.
40
00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:04,849
Both:
No--
41
00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:08,286
Mm...Mmm.
42
00:03:08,287 --> 00:03:10,355
That's not bad.
43
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,856
You know, I have a feeling
44
00:03:11,857 --> 00:03:15,560
It's gonna be a big day
for daddy today.
45
00:03:16,595 --> 00:03:19,463
The biggest, dad.
46
00:03:19,464 --> 00:03:21,465
Humongous.
47
00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:24,302
[doorbell chimes]
48
00:03:24,303 --> 00:03:25,469
Who could that be?
49
00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:27,171
Well, since mom
and kelly's boyfriends
50
00:03:27,172 --> 00:03:28,539
Have their own keys,
51
00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:30,708
It's probably
the mailman.
52
00:03:30,709 --> 00:03:33,611
Bundy, I just want you
to know I'm retiring
53
00:03:33,612 --> 00:03:35,947
After 20 years
of faithful service--
54
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,088
Well, let's see.
55
00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:45,290
Bill... Bill...
56
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,924
Hello!
57
00:03:46,925 --> 00:03:48,326
My tax refund!
58
00:03:48,327 --> 00:03:50,528
Yes!
Whoo!
59
00:03:50,529 --> 00:03:52,397
I told you it's gonna
be a big day.
60
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:55,099
My stomach's
getting warm.
61
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,869
Maybe that cheese
will settle it.
62
00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:00,972
By god, I love you.
Mwah...
63
00:04:00,973 --> 00:04:02,173
Thanks, daddy.
64
00:04:02,174 --> 00:04:04,242
Not you. Go away.
65
00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:05,843
Kelly, I'm sorry.
No, come back here.
66
00:04:05,844 --> 00:04:07,078
Come back here.
67
00:04:07,079 --> 00:04:08,746
[chuckles]
68
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,784
Now you go away.
69
00:04:13,752 --> 00:04:15,753
Oh, let's see
how much I got.
70
00:04:15,754 --> 00:04:17,255
Oh, man.
71
00:04:17,256 --> 00:04:18,756
I'm gonna be...
72
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,927
Audited?
73
00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:25,797
Peg, I'm gonna
be audited!
74
00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:27,666
Very nice.
75
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:30,334
I just spent three hours
in the beauty parlor,
76
00:04:30,335 --> 00:04:32,871
And all you can say
is "I'm being audited."
77
00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:35,073
Huh! Why do I bother?
78
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:37,275
What's "audited"?
79
00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:38,109
Well, basically,
80
00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:39,777
It's when they take
everything you own
81
00:04:39,778 --> 00:04:41,846
And throw you in jail.
82
00:04:41,847 --> 00:04:43,647
But just dad, right?
83
00:04:44,549 --> 00:04:45,917
Yeah.
84
00:04:45,918 --> 00:04:48,320
Then to hell with it.
85
00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:49,887
Peg, get
our tax records,
86
00:04:49,888 --> 00:04:51,155
'cause I'm suing
the moron
87
00:04:51,156 --> 00:04:52,657
That bungled our taxes.
88
00:04:52,658 --> 00:04:55,360
Oh. Well, gee,
that would be me.
89
00:04:56,628 --> 00:04:59,663
Oh, now, don't get
that look on your face.
90
00:04:59,664 --> 00:05:01,565
It's a good thing
I did the taxes.
91
00:05:01,566 --> 00:05:03,467
You see,
I had this idea.
92
00:05:03,468 --> 00:05:05,569
If claiming two children
as dependents
93
00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:06,670
Gets you $200,
94
00:05:06,671 --> 00:05:10,674
Imagine what 23 kids
would be worth.
95
00:05:12,911 --> 00:05:15,714
The gas chamber?
96
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:17,015
Dibs on his car.
97
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:18,950
I want it!
I always said I could have it!
98
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:19,951
No, it's mine.
Mine!
99
00:05:19,952 --> 00:05:21,119
Kids, don't fight.
100
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:22,487
There'll be cars
for the both of you
101
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:24,088
'cause mommy's
will be up for grabs,
102
00:05:24,089 --> 00:05:26,357
'cause mommy will be
up the river with me.
103
00:05:26,358 --> 00:05:31,295
See, it was a joint-return.
104
00:05:31,296 --> 00:05:33,063
Think they'll be gone
by valentine's day?
105
00:05:33,064 --> 00:05:35,866
Because I don't know about you,
kel, but I'm thinking party.
106
00:05:35,867 --> 00:05:38,603
Imagine both mom and dad
in jail.
107
00:05:38,604 --> 00:05:40,538
We'll be the coolest kids
in school.
108
00:05:40,539 --> 00:05:41,939
Yeah.
109
00:05:41,940 --> 00:05:44,609
Now, kids,
stop worrying.
110
00:05:44,610 --> 00:05:46,411
Mommy's not going
anywhere.
111
00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:48,145
And why is that, peg?
112
00:05:48,146 --> 00:05:49,714
Oh, al.
113
00:05:49,715 --> 00:05:51,282
You don't think
I'd be stupid enough
114
00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:53,818
To sign my name
to that return too.
115
00:05:53,819 --> 00:05:56,320
This isn't like
a parking ticket.
116
00:05:56,321 --> 00:05:59,323
This is what
they sent capone away for.
117
00:05:59,324 --> 00:06:01,259
Oh, but don't worry,
honey.
118
00:06:01,260 --> 00:06:04,495
I'm gonna go upstairs right now
and call my uncle ephus.
119
00:06:04,496 --> 00:06:05,696
He'll know what to do.
120
00:06:05,697 --> 00:06:07,432
He's a pig farmer.
121
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:08,566
Hey, mom?
122
00:06:08,567 --> 00:06:09,734
Huh?
123
00:06:09,735 --> 00:06:10,768
If dad does go to jail,
124
00:06:10,769 --> 00:06:12,637
Can we still have
a valentine's party?
125
00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:14,138
Well, let's get him
off to jail first,
126
00:06:14,139 --> 00:06:16,707
And then we'll
talk about it.
127
00:06:16,708 --> 00:06:18,943
Well, son, we owe five grand
to the government.
128
00:06:18,944 --> 00:06:21,112
So sometime between
now and, uh...
129
00:06:21,113 --> 00:06:23,347
10 a.M. On Thursday,
130
00:06:23,348 --> 00:06:25,282
I've gotta come up
with a small fortune.
131
00:06:25,283 --> 00:06:27,117
Well, let's see
what we got here.
132
00:06:27,118 --> 00:06:28,252
"free money for fools."
133
00:06:28,253 --> 00:06:30,287
Nope. Nothing here.
134
00:06:30,288 --> 00:06:31,422
Here's something.
135
00:06:31,423 --> 00:06:33,424
"store toxic waste
at home."
136
00:06:34,893 --> 00:06:37,061
You wouldn't mind growing
a second head for daddy,
137
00:06:37,062 --> 00:06:38,062
Would you, son?
138
00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:40,397
I don't know, dad.
139
00:06:40,398 --> 00:06:41,666
Everything in my closet
140
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,367
Is sort of built
around one head.
141
00:06:43,368 --> 00:06:46,904
Well, we'll just
circle this as a "maybe."
142
00:06:46,905 --> 00:06:48,439
Hmm...
143
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,508
"desperate woman
needs human hair for wig.
144
00:06:51,509 --> 00:06:53,044
"will pay any price.
145
00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:56,047
Red preferred."
146
00:06:58,550 --> 00:07:00,752
Al, honey, great news!
147
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,554
Ephus wasn't there,
148
00:07:02,555 --> 00:07:04,556
But aunt innie said
if you get her
149
00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:06,257
A blueprint
of the courthouse,
150
00:07:06,258 --> 00:07:08,259
He'll pull his half-ton
under the window,
151
00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:10,929
And you're just a manure ride
away from freedom.
152
00:07:14,766 --> 00:07:17,068
What are you two looking at?
153
00:07:17,069 --> 00:07:19,370
Your lovely red hair.
154
00:07:19,371 --> 00:07:22,106
Oh, al...
155
00:07:22,107 --> 00:07:23,541
You noticed.
156
00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:26,677
I didn't think
you cared.
157
00:07:26,678 --> 00:07:28,579
Oh, but I do.
158
00:07:28,580 --> 00:07:30,714
Aw.
159
00:07:30,715 --> 00:07:32,650
Oh, come on, buck.
160
00:07:32,651 --> 00:07:34,185
Take your pill.
161
00:07:34,186 --> 00:07:37,188
I put it in this nice bonbon.
162
00:07:41,927 --> 00:07:44,395
[toilet flushing]
163
00:07:49,768 --> 00:07:53,037
Al, you have been in there
all morning.
164
00:07:53,038 --> 00:07:54,639
I don't know what it is, peg.
165
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,840
I haven't eaten a thing
166
00:07:55,841 --> 00:07:58,943
Since that piece of cheese
yesterday.
167
00:07:58,944 --> 00:08:00,912
Oh, a bonbon.
168
00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:10,288
Oh, it's nice and crunchy.
169
00:08:10,289 --> 00:08:12,924
Gee, I hope
it settles my stomach.
170
00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:16,561
I don't think it'll be in there
long enough.
171
00:08:18,964 --> 00:08:22,466
Oh, al, are you
brushing my hair again?
172
00:08:22,467 --> 00:08:23,700
You know,
to some people,
173
00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:25,403
You're just a guy
who needs a shower,
174
00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:29,006
But beneath it all,
you really are romantic.
175
00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:31,542
Yep.
176
00:08:31,543 --> 00:08:34,378
Yep, I am.
177
00:08:34,379 --> 00:08:35,679
[doorbell chimes]
178
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,481
Peg, bring your hair
over here.
179
00:08:37,482 --> 00:08:39,583
You can
come too, dear.
180
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:44,889
Sit down.
181
00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:47,225
Hello. We're the privetts.
We're here to see the hair.
182
00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:48,226
Of course!
183
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:49,793
Step right into
our showroom.
184
00:08:49,794 --> 00:08:53,430
Uh, dear, these are
our good friends, the, uh--
185
00:08:53,431 --> 00:08:54,866
Privetts.
The privetts, yes.
186
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:57,134
And this is my lovely wife
the, um...
187
00:08:57,135 --> 00:08:58,602
The peggy.
188
00:08:58,603 --> 00:09:00,171
Oh, you have
lovely hair!
189
00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:01,873
Why, thank you.
190
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:03,807
Leo, it's perfect.
191
00:09:03,808 --> 00:09:05,709
Come on, leo,
you touch it too.
192
00:09:06,544 --> 00:09:07,711
Oh, it's very nice.
193
00:09:07,712 --> 00:09:09,814
Isn't it,
though?
194
00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:13,217
Uh...
195
00:09:13,218 --> 00:09:16,520
Al, could I speak to you
for a minute?
196
00:09:16,521 --> 00:09:18,022
Excuse us
for a second.
197
00:09:20,391 --> 00:09:21,859
What's going on here?
198
00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:23,427
Well, peg, I've
gotta pay the irs,
199
00:09:23,428 --> 00:09:26,130
So I'm selling the--
the lawn furniture.
200
00:09:26,131 --> 00:09:27,098
How much you asking?
201
00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:28,832
Um...10,000.
202
00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:33,504
Al, it cost 40 bucks
15 years ago.
203
00:09:34,739 --> 00:09:37,875
So did you.
204
00:09:37,876 --> 00:09:39,643
You know, 10,000's
a little steep, bundy,
205
00:09:39,644 --> 00:09:42,246
But I might
go to, uh, 2000.
206
00:09:42,247 --> 00:09:43,981
Two thousand dollars?
207
00:09:43,982 --> 00:09:45,416
Oh!
208
00:09:45,417 --> 00:09:47,751
You know, it's really
worth the money.
209
00:09:47,752 --> 00:09:50,254
Why, you can just
sit on it for hours,
210
00:09:50,255 --> 00:09:52,990
And if you hose it off,
it's good as new.
211
00:09:52,991 --> 00:09:54,692
Five thousand.
212
00:09:54,693 --> 00:09:56,961
You don't mind us
taking it from you?
213
00:09:56,962 --> 00:09:58,763
Oh! No.
214
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,132
Why, the dog
just lies on it,
215
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:04,201
And the birds use it
as a bathroom.
216
00:10:04,202 --> 00:10:07,605
You know, I'll be glad
to get rid of it.
217
00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:09,106
We'll be back tomorrow
with the check.
218
00:10:09,107 --> 00:10:11,142
Could you make that cash?
219
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:14,545
That way, we won't have to
report it to the government.
220
00:10:15,714 --> 00:10:17,548
Five thousand dollars!
221
00:10:17,549 --> 00:10:19,050
Al, we're rich!
222
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,552
Oh, you are the smartest man
in the whole world.
223
00:10:21,553 --> 00:10:24,222
Honey, let's just
forget about this audit.
224
00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:26,090
We'll run from the government
and the kids.
225
00:10:26,091 --> 00:10:27,558
We'll set off
across the country,
226
00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:30,294
And we'll sell lawn furniture!
227
00:10:30,295 --> 00:10:31,763
Oh, god, I love you!
228
00:10:33,165 --> 00:10:35,033
Oops. A split end.
229
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:37,468
Yeow!
230
00:10:37,469 --> 00:10:39,604
Al, what are you doing?
231
00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:40,805
Bud!
232
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:42,339
Honey, you'll never guess
233
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:44,841
What your father just sold
for $5000.
234
00:10:44,842 --> 00:10:46,777
Well, sure, I would.
He sold your hair.
235
00:10:46,778 --> 00:10:49,646
Oh, ho, ho! No, silly.
236
00:10:49,647 --> 00:10:51,815
God. The lawn furniture.
237
00:10:51,816 --> 00:10:53,817
Right, al?
238
00:10:53,818 --> 00:10:55,453
Well, we'll just
discuss that
239
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:58,155
When you wake up
in the morning.
240
00:10:58,156 --> 00:11:00,023
Oh, no!
241
00:11:00,024 --> 00:11:01,725
Oh, yes.
242
00:11:01,726 --> 00:11:04,562
Oh! Oh, no.
243
00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:15,339
[crickets chirping]
244
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,586
Oh, peg...
245
00:11:28,587 --> 00:11:31,456
Come to bed.
246
00:11:33,458 --> 00:11:36,260
I'm not sleepy.
247
00:11:36,261 --> 00:11:37,895
I can wait.
248
00:11:37,896 --> 00:11:41,865
[singing tune
to brahms' "lullaby"]
249
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:46,937
Well...
250
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,141
I passed math.
251
00:11:52,644 --> 00:11:56,146
French too,
and I'm not even taking that.
252
00:11:57,215 --> 00:11:58,883
What are you doing up, mom?
253
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,818
I'm waiting
for your father to go to sleep.
254
00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:03,487
Kelly, he wants to sell my hair.
255
00:12:03,488 --> 00:12:05,156
What am I gonna do?
256
00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:06,757
Wear a pig nose
257
00:12:06,758 --> 00:12:08,726
And dance in the street
for crumbs?
258
00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:10,828
Just kidding, mom. Good night.
259
00:12:10,829 --> 00:12:13,430
Kelly, honey,
260
00:12:13,431 --> 00:12:14,965
You know, when you were a baby,
261
00:12:14,966 --> 00:12:18,636
I used to get up every morning
at noon to feed you.
262
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:21,672
The least you can do
is listen to my problems.
263
00:12:21,673 --> 00:12:23,074
[knock on door]
264
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:26,410
I've got the coffee
if you need it.
265
00:12:26,411 --> 00:12:28,211
Is al asleep?
266
00:12:28,212 --> 00:12:29,446
I don't know.
267
00:12:29,447 --> 00:12:30,548
Let's see.
268
00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:32,717
[imitates snoring]
269
00:12:41,292 --> 00:12:43,728
Hair tease.
270
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:47,798
Can you believe him?
271
00:12:47,799 --> 00:12:49,700
With all the hair
in his nose, ears
272
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:50,768
And on his back,
273
00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:52,203
And he wants mine.
274
00:12:53,138 --> 00:12:55,739
It's hair envy,
is what it is.
275
00:12:55,740 --> 00:12:57,375
It's because
they lose theirs
276
00:12:57,376 --> 00:12:58,376
And we don't,
277
00:12:58,377 --> 00:12:59,510
And they hate us
for it.
278
00:12:59,511 --> 00:13:01,145
They have no respect
for our hair.
279
00:13:01,146 --> 00:13:05,416
They only use it to pull us up,
to pull us down.
280
00:13:09,287 --> 00:13:10,921
You know,
one day I'm just gonna say,
281
00:13:10,922 --> 00:13:13,457
"hey, use your own hair
to wax that car."
282
00:13:15,893 --> 00:13:17,895
Kelly's right.
283
00:13:17,896 --> 00:13:19,897
She's got the morals
of an alley cat,
284
00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:21,432
But she's right.
285
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:24,235
We give men too much.
286
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:29,406
We give them our trust,
our love, our support.
287
00:13:29,407 --> 00:13:31,475
We give them $5
to take us to the prom
288
00:13:31,476 --> 00:13:34,811
And not tell anyone
they're our cousin.
289
00:13:34,812 --> 00:13:36,913
But they do,
290
00:13:36,914 --> 00:13:38,516
And then you're
the laughingstock
291
00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:40,184
Of the entire school.
292
00:13:40,185 --> 00:13:42,486
And he winds up
in the backseat of your car
293
00:13:42,487 --> 00:13:44,588
With some fat slut
named roberta.
294
00:13:44,589 --> 00:13:47,024
And you have to take
the bus home!
295
00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:48,092
Some prom, huh?
296
00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:50,561
Anyway...
297
00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:55,732
I say we women must
draw the line at our hair.
298
00:13:55,733 --> 00:13:57,568
It serves a purpose.
299
00:13:57,569 --> 00:13:59,836
Like when you see a guy
with really great buns,
300
00:13:59,837 --> 00:14:04,275
It's your hair that says,
"saddle up, cowboy."
301
00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:08,812
"rope me. Brand me.
Break my spirit."
302
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:14,518
Oh, yeah,
and I'm the alley cat.
303
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:17,487
Well, there's no reasoning
with al.
304
00:14:17,488 --> 00:14:18,789
If I'm gonna keep my hair,
305
00:14:18,790 --> 00:14:20,191
I'm just gonna
have to stay awake
306
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,625
Until that trial.
307
00:14:21,626 --> 00:14:24,762
Then I'll have 20 years
of peace.
308
00:14:24,763 --> 00:14:25,996
Don't you worry
about a thing.
309
00:14:25,997 --> 00:14:27,698
We'll stay up with you.
Won't we, kelly?
310
00:14:27,699 --> 00:14:29,400
Darn right.
311
00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:33,671
Our six eyes will beat as one.
312
00:14:36,608 --> 00:14:37,775
Well, good.
313
00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:39,710
We'll sleep
in shifts.
314
00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:41,445
Marcie, you take
the first one.
315
00:14:41,446 --> 00:14:42,647
Kelly, you take
the second.
316
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,081
Marcie, you take
the third.
317
00:14:44,082 --> 00:14:45,615
Right.
318
00:14:45,616 --> 00:14:47,418
Just let him try to get past us.
319
00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:50,454
For tonight,
we are woman.
320
00:15:24,622 --> 00:15:26,824
[al sighing]
321
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,775
[snip]
322
00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:08,432
Well, I'm all packed for prison.
323
00:16:09,767 --> 00:16:13,037
Have a nice time, daddy.
324
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,071
Come on, dad,
325
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:15,839
You've got two more days
till the audit.
326
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,140
Why wait? I'm guilty.
327
00:16:17,141 --> 00:16:20,377
What's my defense?
Your mother's an idiot?
328
00:16:20,378 --> 00:16:21,945
Besides, I deserve
to be punished.
329
00:16:21,946 --> 00:16:24,047
I married your mother.
330
00:16:24,048 --> 00:16:25,382
So long, kids.
331
00:16:25,383 --> 00:16:28,652
Let me know who wins
this year's bud bowl.
332
00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:29,719
Come on.
333
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,389
Now, surely you can make $5000
in two days.
334
00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:35,292
[sputters]
335
00:16:35,293 --> 00:16:36,593
Thanks, son.
336
00:16:36,594 --> 00:16:40,030
Your love's gonna make
those 20 years just fly by.
337
00:16:40,031 --> 00:16:41,731
Now, I'm gonna need
some toilet paper,
338
00:16:41,732 --> 00:16:43,067
Two-ply, white.
339
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:44,234
A harmonica.
340
00:16:44,235 --> 00:16:45,369
Oh, and a picture of mommy
341
00:16:45,370 --> 00:16:47,371
In case thoughts of escape
cross my mind.
342
00:16:50,842 --> 00:16:53,176
You know, kel, maybe
I should get dad something
343
00:16:53,177 --> 00:16:54,377
To remind him of me.
344
00:16:54,378 --> 00:16:55,479
Fine.
345
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:56,880
Pack him
some clearasil
346
00:16:56,881 --> 00:17:00,484
And, uh, underwear
with holes in it.
347
00:17:01,853 --> 00:17:04,254
Hi, al.
Whatcha doin'?
348
00:17:04,255 --> 00:17:06,490
I'm headed for prison.
349
00:17:06,491 --> 00:17:07,524
Oh.
350
00:17:07,525 --> 00:17:09,626
Well, I got a problem.
351
00:17:11,229 --> 00:17:14,297
You're probably wondering
why I'm not at work.
352
00:17:14,298 --> 00:17:15,899
I'm looking
at 20 years, steve.
353
00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:17,234
Uh-huh.
354
00:17:17,235 --> 00:17:19,837
I'll bet you think I was fired,
but I wasn't.
355
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:21,238
I quit.
356
00:17:21,239 --> 00:17:23,340
I'll tell you, you wouldn't
believe the politics
357
00:17:23,341 --> 00:17:25,242
That goes on backstage
at a pet shop.
358
00:17:25,243 --> 00:17:27,311
They're putting me in
with killers, steve.
359
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:28,345
I mean, there I am,
360
00:17:28,346 --> 00:17:30,380
Putting down fresh paper
under the macaw--
361
00:17:30,381 --> 00:17:31,649
Which liked me,
by the way,
362
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:33,617
And don't think
that wasn't noticed.
363
00:17:33,618 --> 00:17:36,953
--When zeke decides to make
a power play.
364
00:17:36,954 --> 00:17:39,890
He wants birds.
365
00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:42,259
Suddenly,
fish isn't good enough for him.
366
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:44,895
So he breaks bread
with the owner.
367
00:17:44,896 --> 00:17:48,632
Next thing I know,
he's got his hands on my bird,
368
00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:52,503
And I'm up to my patootie
in guppy poo.
369
00:17:52,504 --> 00:17:53,670
Steve,
I'll tell you what.
370
00:17:53,671 --> 00:17:55,406
What say I make you
a nice license plate
371
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:58,642
That says
"I'm a bore"?
372
00:17:58,643 --> 00:18:01,712
Would that make you
feel better, buddy?
373
00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:03,347
No, it wouldn't, al.
374
00:18:03,348 --> 00:18:05,915
You know what'd
make me feel better?
375
00:18:05,916 --> 00:18:11,288
To be the outdoorsman
I was born to be.
376
00:18:11,289 --> 00:18:12,656
Al...
377
00:18:12,657 --> 00:18:16,326
I wanna be
a rodeo clown.
378
00:18:18,229 --> 00:18:20,364
You know, something
with the land.
379
00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:22,599
Thing is,
how do I tell marcie?
380
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:26,203
Well, now, see, that is
a thorny one, steve.
381
00:18:26,204 --> 00:18:28,905
What say I give that
some thought
382
00:18:28,906 --> 00:18:30,507
While I'm making
my marriage vows
383
00:18:30,508 --> 00:18:34,077
In a prison chapel
to a guy named rock?
384
00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:38,382
Okay, okay,
this is something
385
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,483
A man's gotta work out
for himself.
386
00:18:40,484 --> 00:18:41,885
I know.
387
00:18:41,886 --> 00:18:43,753
I'll call my mom.
388
00:18:43,754 --> 00:18:45,555
She always told my dad
what to do...
389
00:18:45,556 --> 00:18:47,892
Until he killed
himself.
390
00:18:49,327 --> 00:18:50,694
Oh, and al,
391
00:18:50,695 --> 00:18:51,628
When you're in prison,
392
00:18:51,629 --> 00:18:54,097
If you run into james brown...
393
00:18:54,098 --> 00:18:55,599
You tell him for me
394
00:18:55,600 --> 00:19:00,036
There's one white dude out there
who thinks he got a raw deal.
395
00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:09,179
Is there no one
who can ease my pain?
396
00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:12,549
Al, honey, great news.
397
00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:14,251
Uncle toppee called.
398
00:19:14,252 --> 00:19:15,919
He pulled some strings,
399
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,689
And he got you a cushy gig
in the prison hospital.
400
00:19:18,690 --> 00:19:20,257
You're gonna be
a guinea pig
401
00:19:20,258 --> 00:19:23,861
In the experimental
medicine ward.
402
00:19:23,862 --> 00:19:27,197
And you thought
he didn't like you.
403
00:19:27,198 --> 00:19:28,732
Would you get me
cigarettes, kids?
404
00:19:28,733 --> 00:19:30,601
I need lots of cigarettes.
405
00:19:30,602 --> 00:19:33,170
It's for
my new boyfriend.
406
00:19:34,372 --> 00:19:38,041
Well, al, if he only
smokes after sex,
407
00:19:38,042 --> 00:19:41,178
A half a pack'll
do ya.
408
00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:43,713
Aw, that's a good one.
409
00:19:43,714 --> 00:19:45,049
I'm gonna
miss you, peg.
410
00:19:45,050 --> 00:19:47,684
Well, I guess unless
you're gonna cut your hair,
411
00:19:47,685 --> 00:19:48,919
I'll be going.
412
00:19:54,592 --> 00:19:57,694
Well, I'll see you,
I guess,
413
00:19:57,695 --> 00:20:00,297
In a decade or two.
414
00:20:00,298 --> 00:20:01,332
Bye, dad.
Bye, dad.
415
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,399
Bye.
See you.
416
00:20:14,278 --> 00:20:17,481
Very nice. Very nice.
417
00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:19,383
No "oh, dad, please don't go"?
418
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:22,486
No "oh, al, yes,
I'll cut my hair"?
419
00:20:22,487 --> 00:20:26,790
Not even a "shane,
shane, come back"?
420
00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:31,795
Honey, no one wants you
to go to prison,
421
00:20:31,796 --> 00:20:34,398
But we're talking about my hair,
for god's sake.
422
00:20:37,168 --> 00:20:40,070
Why is everybody
staring at me?
423
00:20:40,071 --> 00:20:42,339
I'm not the only one
in this family with hair.
424
00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:44,241
Bud, what about you?
425
00:20:44,242 --> 00:20:46,376
Yeah, right, I'd be
quite the lady-killer
426
00:20:46,377 --> 00:20:50,580
As a 15-year-old bald kid
with no money.
427
00:20:50,581 --> 00:20:52,582
"yul bundy."
428
00:20:54,251 --> 00:20:55,786
Well, don't look
at me.
429
00:20:55,787 --> 00:20:58,454
I've got finals
coming up.
430
00:21:00,658 --> 00:21:01,992
Peg?
431
00:21:01,993 --> 00:21:05,362
I don't wanna cut my hair.
432
00:21:05,363 --> 00:21:08,064
We're talking about prison, peg.
433
00:21:08,065 --> 00:21:10,234
Prison.
434
00:21:12,603 --> 00:21:15,271
Oh, leo,
it's beautiful.
435
00:21:15,272 --> 00:21:16,573
With this on my head,
436
00:21:16,574 --> 00:21:18,074
I can walk proud again
437
00:21:18,075 --> 00:21:22,078
And forget all about
that woodpecker incident.
438
00:21:22,079 --> 00:21:23,280
What a day, huh?
439
00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:25,181
Well, that's 5000.
440
00:21:25,182 --> 00:21:27,050
Pleasure doing
business with you, bundy.
441
00:21:27,051 --> 00:21:28,485
Any time, leo.
442
00:21:28,486 --> 00:21:31,488
Listen, how's the wife
fixed for fingernails?
443
00:21:33,424 --> 00:21:35,759
Well, maybe now
is not the time.
444
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,327
Wear it in good health,
marie.
445
00:21:37,328 --> 00:21:39,028
Thank you.
446
00:21:39,029 --> 00:21:40,497
Hey, if you ever
change your mind
447
00:21:40,498 --> 00:21:42,499
About that lawn
furniture...
448
00:21:45,670 --> 00:21:47,237
He's gone.
449
00:21:47,238 --> 00:21:49,439
Oh! We did it!
450
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:50,908
Five thousand dollars.
451
00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:52,543
Oh, al, that's more
than we'd make
452
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:54,578
If you had an education.
453
00:21:54,579 --> 00:21:57,548
Pretty good for a guy
stupid enough to marry you, huh?
454
00:21:57,549 --> 00:21:59,149
Oh, ho, ho...
455
00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:00,684
Well, now I'll go pay my taxes,
456
00:22:00,685 --> 00:22:02,285
And then the only prison
I'll be in
457
00:22:02,286 --> 00:22:04,921
Is the one I created for myself.
458
00:22:04,922 --> 00:22:06,289
Honey, before you go,
459
00:22:06,290 --> 00:22:08,959
I think you'd better walk buck
over by marcie's roses.
460
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,594
He's still constipated.
461
00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:11,762
Ah, all right.
462
00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:14,431
He should be eating
what I've been eating.
463
00:22:14,432 --> 00:22:16,833
Worthless fleabag.
464
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:19,169
Honey, you think the privetts
will figure this out?
465
00:22:19,170 --> 00:22:21,371
Well, why should they?
It's real hair.
466
00:22:21,372 --> 00:22:23,707
Come on, boy.
467
00:22:39,957 --> 00:22:43,026
[♪]
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