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1
00:00:03,268 --> 00:00:05,369
[♪]
2
00:01:17,776 --> 00:01:20,445
Who here knows
what a christmas club is?
3
00:01:20,446 --> 00:01:23,147
Oh, isn't that where morons
put money in the bank
4
00:01:23,148 --> 00:01:26,251
To get 2 percent interest
instead of the normal 5?
5
00:01:28,987 --> 00:01:30,088
Uh, yeah.
6
00:01:32,190 --> 00:01:34,359
Anyway, I've got one of these
christmas club things,
7
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,796
And was able to save
a pretty penny this year.
8
00:01:38,797 --> 00:01:41,933
So, in addition to our annual
christmas feast at denny's,
9
00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:48,873
This year we're
getting presents.
10
00:01:48,874 --> 00:01:50,308
Oh! I can't
believe it.
11
00:01:50,309 --> 00:01:52,877
This'll be the worst
christmas I ever had.
12
00:01:52,878 --> 00:01:55,614
I'll wind up home alone
sitting in the dark.
13
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:58,683
That is...Unless
some friends invite me over.
14
00:01:58,684 --> 00:01:59,684
[consolingly]
oh.
15
00:02:03,922 --> 00:02:07,992
Poor marcie.
I feel so bad for her.
16
00:02:07,993 --> 00:02:11,029
So, al, we're really
gonna get presents!
17
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:12,463
Yeah! You betcha!
Ha-ha!
18
00:02:12,464 --> 00:02:14,065
I pick up the money
tomorrow morning.
19
00:02:14,066 --> 00:02:16,701
This is gonna be the greatest
bundy christmas ever!
20
00:02:16,702 --> 00:02:17,702
[laughs]
21
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:21,506
["deck the halls"
party music playing]
22
00:02:52,671 --> 00:02:53,972
Kelly:
Daddy!
23
00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:56,174
Oh!
Daddy!
24
00:02:56,175 --> 00:02:57,842
Both: Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
25
00:02:57,843 --> 00:02:59,310
Oh.
26
00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:02,647
Now, kids, give your father
a chance to relax.
27
00:03:02,648 --> 00:03:03,648
Make room.
28
00:03:04,816 --> 00:03:06,451
Give me! Give me!
Give me! Give me!
29
00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:07,318
Oh, dad!
30
00:03:07,319 --> 00:03:08,519
Give us our presents!
31
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,288
I love you!
Give us our presents!
32
00:03:10,289 --> 00:03:12,624
Family!
33
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,826
I think we've fallen
a tad short
34
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:17,194
Of the true meaning
of christmas.
35
00:03:17,195 --> 00:03:19,897
It's about love, about family.
36
00:03:19,898 --> 00:03:22,901
I think something's rotten
in the state of denver, mom.
37
00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,304
Don't worry.
38
00:03:26,305 --> 00:03:28,807
Even a dullard like your father
isn't stupid enough
39
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:30,374
To come home
without presents.
40
00:03:37,082 --> 00:03:39,350
I don't like the looks
of this, mom.
41
00:03:39,351 --> 00:03:42,920
Yeah, he does have that
just-plugged-the-toilet grin
42
00:03:42,921 --> 00:03:43,921
On his face.
43
00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:50,695
I think he's empty.
44
00:03:50,696 --> 00:03:52,297
Let's check it out.
45
00:03:57,002 --> 00:04:01,072
So, al, I, uh, noticed
you're not burdened down
46
00:04:01,073 --> 00:04:03,641
With presents
for your loving family.
47
00:04:03,642 --> 00:04:06,744
Are they, uh,
in the car?
48
00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:09,147
Well, no.
49
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,417
Are they, uh,
being delivered?
50
00:04:14,086 --> 00:04:15,086
No.
51
00:04:16,688 --> 00:04:19,724
Are they...
Invisible?
52
00:04:24,596 --> 00:04:27,498
Well, you guys get
to ask the good questions.
53
00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,901
If, for once, you'd let me
go first, I would have asked--
54
00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:31,736
Shh.
55
00:04:31,737 --> 00:04:33,237
Honey.
56
00:04:33,238 --> 00:04:37,174
Okay, al, enough
of this loving-family crap.
57
00:04:39,745 --> 00:04:41,246
What did you do?
58
00:04:43,415 --> 00:04:45,216
Well, I'm going
to be honest with you, peg.
59
00:04:46,585 --> 00:04:48,586
You see, I was coming home
with great presents,
60
00:04:48,587 --> 00:04:50,955
When I was surrounded
by a band of...
61
00:04:50,956 --> 00:04:52,323
Bears and indians.
62
00:04:54,426 --> 00:04:55,927
Daddy, are you okay?
63
00:04:57,796 --> 00:04:59,164
Rest, kelly.
64
00:05:00,565 --> 00:05:02,366
Snookums,
65
00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:06,070
You know, if you really did
come home with no presents,
66
00:05:06,071 --> 00:05:09,640
We wouldn't mind,
would we, kids?
67
00:05:09,641 --> 00:05:11,175
No, mom.
68
00:05:11,176 --> 00:05:13,010
I would.
69
00:05:13,011 --> 00:05:14,746
I mean, no,
I wouldn't, mom.
70
00:05:14,747 --> 00:05:18,850
We wuv our daddy,
right, kids?
71
00:05:20,619 --> 00:05:23,488
Right, mom.
Right, mom.
72
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:24,422
There.
73
00:05:24,423 --> 00:05:26,758
You feel
better now, al?
74
00:05:27,859 --> 00:05:29,294
Yes, I do, peg.
75
00:05:30,195 --> 00:05:32,730
Then give us
our presents.
76
00:05:32,731 --> 00:05:35,132
You do have presents,
don't you, al?
77
00:05:38,370 --> 00:05:40,904
And we kissed your hand
and called you daddy.
78
00:05:42,941 --> 00:05:44,609
The bank closed.
79
00:05:44,610 --> 00:05:46,511
Yeah, right.
Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.
80
00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:50,548
It wasn't my fault.
81
00:05:50,549 --> 00:05:52,050
I did everything
that I could.
82
00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:54,351
A real daddy would have
held up a liquor store.
83
00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:58,423
They're open
till 6, you know.
84
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,492
Now, kids, I'm sure
your father has a good reason
85
00:06:01,493 --> 00:06:03,628
For not taking that
money out yesterday.
86
00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:06,765
Tell us
the reason, witless.
87
00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:09,000
I wanted to get that
extra day of interest.
88
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:11,836
Oh, that would have been what--
about 3 cents, al?
89
00:06:11,837 --> 00:06:14,238
Hey, that would have been
our waitress's tip at denny's.
90
00:06:16,141 --> 00:06:19,410
Thank your father for flushing
another christmas, kids.
91
00:06:19,411 --> 00:06:20,778
Both:
Thanks, dad.
92
00:06:20,779 --> 00:06:22,547
Hey, just because
we don't have presents
93
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:24,416
Doesn't mean we can't
have christmas.
94
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:25,916
Daddy, christmas
without presents
95
00:06:25,917 --> 00:06:27,885
Is like thanksgiving
without pizza.
96
00:06:29,988 --> 00:06:33,224
Oh, well, I suppose there are
a lot of families much worse off
97
00:06:33,225 --> 00:06:34,725
Than us at christmas.
98
00:06:34,726 --> 00:06:39,097
Of course, they're all living
in trees and worshipping sticks.
99
00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:41,232
But, let's make
the best of it.
100
00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:42,333
Let's go to denny's.
101
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:43,501
I have 8 bucks.
102
00:06:43,502 --> 00:06:45,136
That's enough for three
of us to eat.
103
00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:47,739
Ha-ha. I guess we'll
all have to draw straws.
104
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,039
Well, I don't mind doin' that
105
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,875
'cause I don't think
I should have to do it,
106
00:06:50,876 --> 00:06:51,942
Since I do work all year--
107
00:06:51,943 --> 00:06:54,612
I am gonna buy presents
on the 26th.
108
00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:55,746
--But I think to be fair,
109
00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:57,114
I'll have to, uh...
110
00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:00,250
Bring me back some pie crust.
111
00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:03,588
Well, let's see
how the lights work.
112
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,289
[grunts]
113
00:07:12,364 --> 00:07:14,465
That's just great.
They hang there all year long.
114
00:07:14,466 --> 00:07:16,868
The one lousy time
you want 'em to work...
115
00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:19,904
Well, it's a wonderful life.
116
00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:23,608
I don't know.
117
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:26,477
Sometimes, I think it might have
been better if I was never born.
118
00:07:26,979 --> 00:07:27,845
[buzzing]
119
00:07:34,753 --> 00:07:35,786
Man:
Hey, buddy.
120
00:07:35,787 --> 00:07:37,021
You all right?
121
00:07:38,924 --> 00:07:40,224
Ah, there you are.
122
00:07:41,059 --> 00:07:42,427
Yeah.
123
00:07:44,596 --> 00:07:45,963
You're okay.
124
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:48,800
You're gonna be fine.
125
00:07:51,703 --> 00:07:55,372
Well, thanks, buddy.
Uh...Who are you?
126
00:07:55,373 --> 00:07:56,574
I'm a guardian angel.
127
00:07:58,109 --> 00:08:00,210
Matter of fact,
I'm looking for, uh,
128
00:08:00,211 --> 00:08:01,211
An al bundy.
129
00:08:01,212 --> 00:08:02,313
Do you know
an al bundy?
130
00:08:03,048 --> 00:08:04,214
I'm al bundy.
131
00:08:04,683 --> 00:08:07,752
Noooo!!
132
00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:11,389
Could you stop playing nintendo
up there for a minute?!
133
00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:13,291
What kind of a mess
have you gotten me into?!
134
00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:15,126
What have you done to me?!
135
00:08:15,127 --> 00:08:17,261
[sobs]
136
00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:26,737
There, there, buddy.
137
00:08:26,738 --> 00:08:27,972
Uh, how about
I go get my gun
138
00:08:27,973 --> 00:08:29,907
And shoot you
with a nice silver bullet?
139
00:08:29,908 --> 00:08:31,242
[moans]
140
00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:32,676
Would you like that,
buddy?
141
00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:36,514
You'll just have to give me
a minute with this, bundy.
142
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,750
I thought I was here
to save a human soul.
143
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,420
That's all right.
Never mind.
144
00:08:42,421 --> 00:08:43,421
Hold on a minute.
145
00:08:46,991 --> 00:08:49,493
Oh, thanks a lot!
146
00:08:49,494 --> 00:08:50,961
You can turn water into wine,
147
00:08:50,962 --> 00:08:52,963
But you can't send me
with any booze, huh?!
148
00:08:52,964 --> 00:08:54,231
Love ya!
149
00:08:57,502 --> 00:08:58,703
Oh, I get it.
150
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,304
You're one
of my wife's relatives.
151
00:09:02,507 --> 00:09:04,809
I've never seen
one upright before.
152
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:11,582
No, much like a neutered dog,
you don't get it, bundy.
153
00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:14,451
Read my lips.
154
00:09:14,452 --> 00:09:16,721
I'm your guardian angel.
155
00:09:17,589 --> 00:09:19,790
Oh, I see.
Hell, I gotta apologize.
156
00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:21,259
I just thought you were a nut.
157
00:09:23,262 --> 00:09:25,296
Well, I'll get my guitar
and call elvis.
158
00:09:25,297 --> 00:09:27,432
The three of us will
rock in the new year.
159
00:09:30,268 --> 00:09:33,204
Hey, it's no sleigh ride
for me either, bundy.
160
00:09:33,205 --> 00:09:34,705
Usually,
on christmas,
161
00:09:34,706 --> 00:09:36,573
I'd be over at moses' house.
162
00:09:36,574 --> 00:09:39,810
I'd be out by the pool,
waiting for the new guy
163
00:09:39,811 --> 00:09:40,878
To jump off the board.
164
00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:42,413
And then mo parts the water.
165
00:09:42,414 --> 00:09:43,914
[laughs]
166
00:09:44,782 --> 00:09:47,151
Now, that's christmas!
167
00:09:47,152 --> 00:09:49,253
That's christmas, man.
168
00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:51,822
Yeah, but I sort
of fell from grace.
169
00:09:51,823 --> 00:09:53,824
They, uh-- they caught me
scalpin' tickets
170
00:09:53,825 --> 00:09:55,259
To a jimi hendrix concert.
171
00:09:57,029 --> 00:10:00,031
And here I am.
But enough about me.
172
00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:01,766
What's it gonna take
to convince you that
173
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,000
I'm your guardian angel?
174
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:05,936
Make my christmas lights work.
175
00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:09,774
[fingers snap]
176
00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:20,151
That's amazing.
177
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:22,286
You are an angel.
Hey, I want another wish.
178
00:10:22,287 --> 00:10:23,921
Aren't you supposed
to get three?
179
00:10:23,922 --> 00:10:26,657
Hey, don't be a wish pig,
bundy, all right?
180
00:10:26,658 --> 00:10:28,425
You want three wishes?
Get a genie.
181
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:32,296
Besides, anything that
I can't get a receipt for
182
00:10:32,297 --> 00:10:33,765
Comes out of my own pocket.
183
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:35,833
Aw, come on.
184
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:37,435
Just give me one more.
185
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:39,737
Turn the lights back off,
and give me the hee haw girls.
186
00:10:43,942 --> 00:10:46,310
I've been sittin' around
waitin' for them to die myself.
187
00:10:46,311 --> 00:10:47,278
[laughs]
188
00:10:49,214 --> 00:10:52,149
I know you think
you got it tough.
189
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:53,751
Your wife doesn't respect you.
190
00:10:53,752 --> 00:10:55,753
Your kids think
you're a failure.
191
00:10:55,754 --> 00:10:57,755
A good day for you
is when you don't come across
192
00:10:57,756 --> 00:10:58,989
Any new foot diseases.
193
00:10:58,990 --> 00:11:01,926
Believe me, I sympathize.
194
00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:03,460
But you think your life reeks?
195
00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:05,530
Take a whiff of mine, pal.
196
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:09,367
My wife gained 100 pounds
for every year we were married.
197
00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:11,836
We had two kids. I think
she ate 'em. I don't know.
198
00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:16,173
I hated drivin' home so much,
199
00:11:16,174 --> 00:11:19,744
I had vanity plates written up
that said, "hit me."
200
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:24,215
But despite it all...
She loved me.
201
00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:26,217
You know how I know?
202
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:29,220
Because she told me!
203
00:11:29,221 --> 00:11:31,255
Oh, yeah,
when I was at work,
204
00:11:31,256 --> 00:11:34,792
She loved my father,
my brother, my bookie.
205
00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:37,495
But when I found my
grandfather's teeth in my bed
206
00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:40,264
Under the pillow, then I knew
there was trouble in paradise.
207
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,603
That's when I did what any
other man would do, bundy.
208
00:11:45,604 --> 00:11:47,938
I canceled my insurance,
and I hung myself.
209
00:11:47,939 --> 00:11:49,406
Showed her, huh?
210
00:11:49,407 --> 00:11:51,008
[laughs]
211
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:57,581
And you're here to help me, huh?
212
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,785
That I am, my man.
213
00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:04,788
See, if I help you,
I get my wings.
214
00:12:04,789 --> 00:12:07,725
And that means a lot up there,
especially with the chicks.
215
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:12,730
If I get wings, I get to pick up
on the girls who died young.
216
00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:17,101
Well, that sounds great for you,
217
00:12:17,102 --> 00:12:18,469
But what are you gonna do
for me?
218
00:12:18,470 --> 00:12:20,638
Show me that my life can
only get worse?
219
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:23,240
What are you gonna do? Give me
two more wives? Three more kids?
220
00:12:23,241 --> 00:12:25,576
Make me a--
make me a white sox fan?
221
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:29,847
No, bundy. We're gonna
take a little trip.
222
00:12:29,848 --> 00:12:32,450
Just like you wondered,
I'm gonna show you
223
00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:34,652
What it would've been like
if you'd never been born.
224
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:35,653
Let's party.
225
00:12:36,254 --> 00:12:37,221
[fingers snap]
226
00:12:50,969 --> 00:12:51,969
[fingers snap]
227
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:57,375
[hums "home, sweet home"]
228
00:13:02,881 --> 00:13:03,914
Peg!
229
00:13:03,915 --> 00:13:07,351
It's me...
And my angel.
230
00:13:09,354 --> 00:13:11,054
She doesn't know
you're there, bundy,
231
00:13:11,055 --> 00:13:12,523
Just like when
you're havin' sex.
232
00:13:12,524 --> 00:13:13,858
[laughs]
233
00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:20,698
Wait a second.
234
00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:21,832
She's cooking.
235
00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:25,169
She told me she was
allergic to fire.
236
00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:27,905
Gee, that's weird.
237
00:13:27,906 --> 00:13:30,440
I guess after I died,
women started lyin', huh?
238
00:13:39,884 --> 00:13:41,452
Hello, mother.
239
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:45,223
Oh, you're home
a trifle late, dear.
240
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:46,323
Oh, yes, I know.
241
00:13:46,324 --> 00:13:48,558
Regrettable,
but necessary.
242
00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:51,528
I had to stop on the way home
to soundly thrash a bully,
243
00:13:51,529 --> 00:13:53,430
Who was making lewd
and suggestive comments
244
00:13:53,431 --> 00:13:54,898
To some female
school chums.
245
00:13:57,168 --> 00:14:00,404
Oh, mother, when will men
realize that the delicate flower
246
00:14:00,405 --> 00:14:02,873
Of womanhood must be allowed
to bloom in freedom?
247
00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:07,544
You're such
a fine young man.
248
00:14:07,545 --> 00:14:09,546
I knew it would pay
to breastfeed you
249
00:14:09,547 --> 00:14:10,814
Till you were 9.
250
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,089
Do you need
any money, dear?
251
00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:22,126
Oh, no. I could never
take money from you.
252
00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:24,828
You and father have given me
the greatest gift of all:
253
00:14:24,829 --> 00:14:26,530
The gift of life.
254
00:14:26,531 --> 00:14:28,399
Would he feel it
if I kicked him?
255
00:14:30,735 --> 00:14:32,503
No, but for a little
extra cash,
256
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:34,138
I could give him
your dog's face.
257
00:14:35,573 --> 00:14:36,773
Would you take an iou?
258
00:14:36,774 --> 00:14:38,009
Not from you.
259
00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:40,811
Hello, mama!
260
00:14:43,615 --> 00:14:45,282
I'm home from college.
261
00:14:47,919 --> 00:14:48,919
College?
262
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,921
She flunked lunch
in high school.
263
00:14:52,790 --> 00:14:53,990
Good news.
264
00:14:53,991 --> 00:14:56,026
They're publishing
my poetry in french.
265
00:14:56,027 --> 00:14:57,128
Oh.
Oh.
266
00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,730
Oh, budrick.
267
00:14:59,731 --> 00:15:01,132
Mwah.
Mwah.
268
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:02,866
You look fabulous.
269
00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:05,369
You really must be popular
with the ladies.
270
00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:09,873
Well, I've broken a few hearts,
but gained some good friends.
271
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:14,778
And you, dear sister,
are you still frigid?
272
00:15:17,649 --> 00:15:21,619
Yes, but pleasures of the flesh
muddy the thinking.
273
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,186
She's right, you know.
274
00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:25,623
I saved myself
for marriage.
275
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:28,993
Oh, come on!
276
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,329
The football team
retired her jersey.
277
00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:39,536
I mean, what kind of guy
would marry her
278
00:15:39,537 --> 00:15:40,871
If she wasn't
puttin' out?
279
00:15:42,707 --> 00:15:47,411
♪ I saw mommy kissing
santa claus ♪
280
00:15:47,412 --> 00:15:49,213
It's daddy!
It's daddy!
281
00:15:49,981 --> 00:15:51,815
Ho-ho! Family!
282
00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:52,949
Oh, daddy!
283
00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:54,351
Dear heart!
284
00:15:54,352 --> 00:15:55,352
Ha-ha-ha!
285
00:15:55,353 --> 00:15:56,920
Oh.
286
00:15:56,921 --> 00:15:58,088
[giggles]
287
00:15:58,089 --> 00:15:59,590
There they go again.
288
00:16:01,492 --> 00:16:03,828
You know those wings
you been wantin'?
Yeah.
289
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:06,964
You think you can make a pair
out of this guy's kidneys?
290
00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:08,465
Hey, don't worry
about him, bundy.
291
00:16:08,466 --> 00:16:09,867
I checked into his future.
292
00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:12,569
By the time he's 60,
his stomach is so ulcer-ridden
293
00:16:12,570 --> 00:16:14,204
That-- oh.
Oh, that's you.
294
00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:18,309
Sorry, man.
Sorry.
295
00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:20,611
So, how was
your day, honey?
296
00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:23,947
Oh, wonderful as every day
since we met.
297
00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,785
Am I the only one
who can taste the bile?
298
00:16:29,921 --> 00:16:32,356
Oh, by the way, dear,
I didn't have a chance
299
00:16:32,357 --> 00:16:33,958
To finish
the christmas cookies.
300
00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:37,061
I had a run-in
with a shoe salesman today.
301
00:16:37,062 --> 00:16:38,562
There she goes.
She's leavin' him.
302
00:16:38,563 --> 00:16:40,697
No one can resist
a shoe salesman.
303
00:16:40,698 --> 00:16:43,601
I was only trying on shoes
for a couple of hours,
304
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,402
And he barked at me.
305
00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:49,139
He was a rude, smelly,
uneducated, little man. Hmph.
306
00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:53,243
Imagine, a grown man selling
shoes for a living. Ha-ha!
307
00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:57,181
But let us remember
the old adage,
308
00:16:57,182 --> 00:17:02,519
"I lamented I had no shoes until
I saw the man who sold them."
309
00:17:05,323 --> 00:17:08,492
I'll bet you're all wondering
where your presents are.
310
00:17:08,493 --> 00:17:09,993
Oh, father...
311
00:17:09,994 --> 00:17:12,530
You needn't get us anything.
312
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,297
What?!
313
00:17:14,766 --> 00:17:16,233
Oh, yes.
314
00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:19,102
Your love and guidance
all these years means more to us
315
00:17:19,103 --> 00:17:20,870
Than any store-bought bauble.
316
00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:23,873
Oh--
I--
317
00:17:23,874 --> 00:17:26,142
I just love
you guys so much.
318
00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,815
Well, gee,
this was fun.
319
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,384
What do we do next?
320
00:17:34,385 --> 00:17:37,454
Go back in time to the day
I should have been conceived?
321
00:17:37,455 --> 00:17:39,456
Watch my father invent
the condom?
322
00:17:44,162 --> 00:17:45,296
No.
323
00:17:45,297 --> 00:17:46,897
No more time travel
for me.
324
00:17:46,898 --> 00:17:47,898
It gives me the runs.
325
00:17:49,634 --> 00:17:51,501
Besides, bundy,
you're the one that wanted
326
00:17:51,502 --> 00:17:53,804
To see what life would be like
if you'd never been born.
327
00:17:53,805 --> 00:17:55,573
So grin and bear it.
328
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:59,777
Family, I have
a little announcement.
329
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:03,947
I do have a special christmas
present for everyone.
330
00:18:03,948 --> 00:18:07,784
I've watched you all suffer
in this hovel for years,
331
00:18:07,785 --> 00:18:09,420
But over the years,
332
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:13,824
I've been saving, and that,
along with mommy's sewing money,
333
00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:16,494
Has allowed me
to buy us a new house.
334
00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:18,561
A mansion, really.
335
00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:22,031
So how about joining me
in a "whoa, jablonski."
336
00:18:22,032 --> 00:18:25,569
Together:
Whoa, jablonski!
337
00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:27,872
[mouthing]
whoa, jablonski?
338
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:32,276
Oh, norman,
what a special christmas.
339
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,913
Let's just stand here
and love each other.
340
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:36,780
Kids.
341
00:18:41,419 --> 00:18:42,386
I love you.
342
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,420
I love you.
343
00:18:43,421 --> 00:18:44,421
I love you.
344
00:18:44,422 --> 00:18:45,422
I love you.
345
00:18:45,423 --> 00:18:46,423
I love you.
346
00:18:46,424 --> 00:18:48,091
I love you.
347
00:18:48,092 --> 00:18:50,561
All:
I love you.
348
00:18:50,562 --> 00:18:54,464
Now, that's the straw that
broke the camel's back.
349
00:18:54,465 --> 00:18:57,234
I'm sorry, bundy.
I failed you.
350
00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:59,403
I was supposed to show you
why you should live,
351
00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:00,971
But I can't think
of one darn reason.
352
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:04,074
I'll never get
my wings now.
353
00:19:05,276 --> 00:19:07,277
And you know what kind
of woman you get in heaven
354
00:19:07,278 --> 00:19:09,512
Drivin' around
in a '78 pinto?
355
00:19:09,513 --> 00:19:11,214
The same kind of woman
you get down here
356
00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:13,050
Drivin' around a '78 pinto.
357
00:19:14,252 --> 00:19:15,718
God, I'm depressed.
358
00:19:18,623 --> 00:19:19,623
Well, that's better.
359
00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:25,996
Wait a second.
360
00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:29,533
I wanna be back
with my family.
361
00:19:30,635 --> 00:19:31,902
Why?
362
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:35,272
Look at them.
They're happy.
363
00:19:35,273 --> 00:19:37,341
Not a care in the world.
364
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:39,243
You think I'm gonna
let that happen
365
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:42,078
After all the grief
they put me through?
366
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:45,182
I want to live!
367
00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:47,718
Bundy, are you serious?
368
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,219
That means I'm gonna
be an angel!
369
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:50,954
I'm gonna get my wings!
370
00:19:50,955 --> 00:19:53,189
I'm gonna be a real angel!
371
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:54,858
But first--
372
00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:57,895
First I'm gonna go take
a look at my ex-wife.
373
00:19:57,896 --> 00:19:59,997
You really did love her, huh?
374
00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:01,264
No.
375
00:20:01,265 --> 00:20:04,167
No, I just wanna put a package
of ding dongs just out of reach
376
00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:05,769
Of her porkpie fingers.
377
00:20:07,138 --> 00:20:09,840
And then, as she oozes that
thousand-pound bulk
378
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:10,841
Over the table,
379
00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:12,710
Lifts up three of her chins
380
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,045
So she's able to put
one of 'em into her mouth,
381
00:20:15,046 --> 00:20:16,613
I'm gonna turn 'em
into me!
382
00:20:16,614 --> 00:20:18,716
A 20-year-old rotting corpse!
383
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,183
How do you like that,
thelma?
384
00:20:20,184 --> 00:20:22,252
Daddy's home for christmas!
385
00:20:22,253 --> 00:20:24,321
You pig! You slut!
386
00:20:24,322 --> 00:20:26,289
Take a bite of this, shamu!
387
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:27,825
Aah!
388
00:20:34,865 --> 00:20:37,033
Peggy:
Al, get up!
389
00:20:40,171 --> 00:20:41,438
Peg.
390
00:20:41,439 --> 00:20:43,006
You know me?
391
00:20:44,008 --> 00:20:46,643
Well, of course,
I know you.
392
00:20:46,644 --> 00:20:48,946
Why do you think
I didn't help you up?
393
00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:52,449
Come on, kids,
let's go inside.
394
00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:54,517
Knowing your father,
he'll catch pneumonia,
395
00:20:54,518 --> 00:20:56,419
Cough on us,
and we'll all get sick.
396
00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,122
Out of the way, al.
397
00:20:58,123 --> 00:20:59,723
Yeah, you rotten...
398
00:20:59,724 --> 00:21:00,824
Kelly:
God.
399
00:21:03,094 --> 00:21:04,128
[door slams]
400
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:09,299
Bud, quick--
401
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:12,703
What's more important:
Love or money?
402
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:14,671
Well, money, dad.
I can always rent love.
403
00:21:14,672 --> 00:21:15,739
[laughs]
404
00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:17,975
Kelly, quick--
405
00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:19,810
What's the color
of an orange?
406
00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:21,211
No multiple choice?
407
00:21:23,214 --> 00:21:25,215
You mean, just straight
off the top of my head?
408
00:21:25,216 --> 00:21:26,884
Ha, no. Don't worry
about it, pumpkin.
409
00:21:26,885 --> 00:21:29,520
Peg, bake me
some christmas cookies.
410
00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:30,954
Drop dead, al.
411
00:21:30,955 --> 00:21:32,188
[laughing]
all right!
412
00:21:33,791 --> 00:21:36,527
Well, I'm glad you're
in a good mood.
413
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,429
You know, they raised
the christmas platter
414
00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:39,963
At denny's 50 cents.
415
00:21:39,964 --> 00:21:43,700
So we had to go to the spud hut
for their holiday tater feast.
416
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,070
Thanks a lot, al.
417
00:21:47,071 --> 00:21:49,639
This is the worst
christmas I've ever had.
418
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,474
Yeah, me too.
This reeks.
419
00:21:54,011 --> 00:21:56,513
Just a regular orange?
420
00:21:56,514 --> 00:21:58,282
[laughs]
421
00:21:58,283 --> 00:22:00,250
I've got my family back.
422
00:22:02,887 --> 00:22:04,687
Angel:
Okay, heaven, I'm back.
423
00:22:04,688 --> 00:22:06,957
Open up the gates.
424
00:22:06,958 --> 00:22:09,026
What do you mean,where's my badge?
425
00:22:09,027 --> 00:22:11,261
It's in my luggage.
426
00:22:11,262 --> 00:22:13,263
They lost my luggage?
427
00:22:13,264 --> 00:22:16,666
Ow, ow.Ow! Aah!
428
00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:30,680
[♪]
429
00:22:32,183 --> 00:22:34,684
♪ it's beginningto look a lot like christmas ♪
430
00:22:35,653 --> 00:22:38,822
♪ everywhere you go ♪
431
00:22:38,823 --> 00:22:40,290
♪ take a lookin the five-and-ten ♪
432
00:22:41,259 --> 00:22:42,325
♪ glistenin' once again ♪
433
00:22:43,761 --> 00:22:45,561
♪ with candy canesand silver lanes aglow ♪
434
00:22:47,064 --> 00:22:49,032
♪ it's beginningto look a lot like christmas ♪
435
00:22:49,867 --> 00:22:51,234
♪ toys in every store ♪
436
00:22:52,536 --> 00:22:53,937
♪ but the prettiest sightto see ♪
437
00:22:54,939 --> 00:22:56,039
♪ is the holly that will be ♪
438
00:22:56,974 --> 00:22:58,041
♪ on your own front door ♪
439
00:22:58,742 --> 00:22:59,742
♪ on your own ♪
440
00:23:00,711 --> 00:23:01,711
♪ front ♪
441
00:23:02,713 --> 00:23:03,980
♪ door ♪
442
00:23:04,849 --> 00:23:06,116
Chorus:
Merry christmas!
31127
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