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1
00:00:01,801 --> 00:00:06,204
[♪]
2
00:01:13,739 --> 00:01:15,540
[birds chirping]
3
00:01:29,755 --> 00:01:32,056
[alarm buzzes]
4
00:01:33,659 --> 00:01:35,059
[turns alarm off]
aah!
5
00:01:37,262 --> 00:01:39,297
Good morning, honey.
6
00:01:40,299 --> 00:01:42,900
Both:
Uugh...
7
00:01:42,901 --> 00:01:44,769
Mwah.
8
00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:47,706
Gee, you were great
last night, al.
9
00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:50,608
You snored "vaya con dios"
in your sleep,
10
00:01:50,609 --> 00:01:51,609
While your nose hairs
11
00:01:51,610 --> 00:01:54,212
Swayed romantically
to the beat.
12
00:01:54,213 --> 00:01:56,214
Yeah, you were pretty good
yourself, peg.
13
00:01:56,215 --> 00:01:59,217
You sweated your silhouette
on the sheets.
14
00:01:59,218 --> 00:02:01,720
Oh, honey, let's do
something special tonight.
15
00:02:01,721 --> 00:02:03,855
You know, like we used to.
16
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:05,990
You mean, like, I say
I don't wanna get married,
17
00:02:05,991 --> 00:02:08,460
And you
book the hall?
18
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,594
Actually,
I was thinking
19
00:02:09,595 --> 00:02:11,095
We could find
someplace romantic
20
00:02:11,096 --> 00:02:13,465
And grope each other
in the dark.
21
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,734
I couldn't find anything
in the dark.
22
00:02:15,735 --> 00:02:17,736
None of
the important parts
23
00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:21,272
Are where
they used to be.
24
00:02:21,273 --> 00:02:22,741
Actually,
you couldn't find them
25
00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:26,711
In the light, either.
Ha, ha, ha.
26
00:02:26,712 --> 00:02:28,012
Pillow talk
all you want, peg,
27
00:02:28,013 --> 00:02:29,514
But tonight's
bowling night.
28
00:02:29,515 --> 00:02:30,582
I can't be with you.
29
00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:33,818
I'm gonna have fun.
30
00:02:33,819 --> 00:02:35,119
Well, it's just as well.
31
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,421
I'm gonna be pretty tired
32
00:02:36,422 --> 00:02:38,122
After a whole day
in the beauty parlor.
33
00:02:38,123 --> 00:02:39,424
Ha, ha, ha.
34
00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:41,292
I guess we can't
put it off any longer.
35
00:02:41,293 --> 00:02:43,295
We've both got a lot
to do. Come on.
36
00:02:43,296 --> 00:02:45,963
[al grunts]
[peg sighs]
37
00:02:46,865 --> 00:02:48,199
Ah!
38
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,134
What do you want
for breakfast, honey?
39
00:02:50,135 --> 00:02:51,135
Bacon and eggs?
40
00:02:51,136 --> 00:02:54,172
Al:
Ah, that'd be great.
41
00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:57,374
Good. While you're at it,
make me some too.
42
00:03:00,479 --> 00:03:02,513
[customers laugh]
43
00:03:02,514 --> 00:03:04,982
Ok, ok, ok, ok.
How 'bout this:
44
00:03:04,983 --> 00:03:06,251
How much would it take
45
00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:08,353
For you to do
the deed of darkness
46
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:10,589
With garry shandling?
47
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:13,525
[in unison]
ewww!
48
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:14,926
Ten million.
49
00:03:14,927 --> 00:03:16,594
Twenty if he
wants to talk.
50
00:03:16,595 --> 00:03:19,196
[all laugh]
51
00:03:19,197 --> 00:03:21,733
How about
with sonya's husband?
52
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:24,269
[in unison]
ewww!
53
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:27,572
We'll be with you
in a minute, mrs. Rhoades.
54
00:03:27,573 --> 00:03:29,874
Oh...
55
00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:31,543
I'm kind of
nervous about this.
56
00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:34,612
I don't like new people
doing my hair.
57
00:03:34,613 --> 00:03:35,779
Why did mr. Maurice
58
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:39,818
Have to get in that
slap fight with julio?
59
00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:43,521
Don't worry, marcy.
You'll look great.
60
00:03:43,522 --> 00:03:45,523
They're known for
tailoring each hairdo
61
00:03:45,524 --> 00:03:46,858
To the individual.
62
00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:00,905
So when was the last time
you got it, peggy?
Hooh!
63
00:04:00,906 --> 00:04:02,540
Got it,
or got it good?
64
00:04:02,541 --> 00:04:03,575
[all laugh]
65
00:04:09,982 --> 00:04:12,316
Bleached.
66
00:04:12,317 --> 00:04:14,819
Siliconed.
67
00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:16,954
Kept.
68
00:04:16,955 --> 00:04:19,124
Happy.
69
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,494
We're ready for you now,
mrs. Rhoades,
70
00:04:23,495 --> 00:04:26,297
And we're gonna
make you beautiful.
71
00:04:26,298 --> 00:04:28,900
Do you sell insurance,
like at the airport?
72
00:04:32,137 --> 00:04:34,605
What's wrong with
our husbands, anyway?
73
00:04:34,606 --> 00:04:35,606
We go out
of our way
74
00:04:35,607 --> 00:04:37,409
To look beautiful
for them,
75
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:38,743
And all we are
76
00:04:38,744 --> 00:04:41,646
Are things to strike
a match on.
77
00:04:42,481 --> 00:04:43,514
I know.
78
00:04:43,515 --> 00:04:45,182
The only time
al looks at me
79
00:04:45,183 --> 00:04:48,886
Is when he wants
the cap off his beer.
80
00:04:48,887 --> 00:04:52,022
As if his teeth
aren't as good as mine!
81
00:04:55,794 --> 00:04:57,495
I'll tell ya, if I could get
the paper boy
82
00:04:57,496 --> 00:04:59,997
To come up for some
hot cocoa just once,
83
00:04:59,998 --> 00:05:03,368
I'd chuck my husband
in a second.
84
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,936
Husbands.
85
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:07,372
Actually, husbands
are wonderful...
86
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,174
If they're not
your own.
87
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,979
Well, they're grateful for
the smallest bit of attention.
88
00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:17,415
They're horny
as all get-out.
89
00:05:17,416 --> 00:05:18,783
And the best part of it:
90
00:05:18,784 --> 00:05:22,587
Their spirit's
already been broken.
91
00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:26,825
Well, isn't breaking it
part of the fun?
92
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,393
Oh, no. The fun is
the condos, the cars
93
00:05:29,394 --> 00:05:31,262
And the sex every night.
Ha, ha, ha!
94
00:05:31,263 --> 00:05:32,463
Oh, believe me,
95
00:05:32,464 --> 00:05:37,035
The best things in life
are someone else's.
96
00:05:37,036 --> 00:05:39,304
Well, when do you
get to see him?
97
00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:42,206
I mean,
how do husbands get out?
98
00:05:43,175 --> 00:05:45,877
Well, they may
appear stupid,
99
00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:48,979
But they usually find
an excuse to get away.
100
00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:50,482
Usually bowling.
101
00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:55,086
That's what
my current guy says.
102
00:05:55,087 --> 00:05:57,455
He is married
to a real shrew.
103
00:05:57,456 --> 00:06:00,458
She doesn't cook for him.
She doesn't clean for him.
104
00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:08,833
Well, it's so easy
to please a man who has nothing.
105
00:06:08,834 --> 00:06:09,834
Fry him up a burger,
106
00:06:09,835 --> 00:06:13,438
And you get a 24-inch sony.
107
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:16,507
Are you ready for your
color now, dear?
108
00:06:16,508 --> 00:06:17,542
Oh, sure.
109
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:19,644
Now, don't let it
go red.
110
00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:20,645
He says that color
111
00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:22,813
Makes him want
to throw up.
112
00:06:27,819 --> 00:06:31,989
Hey, everybody,
al's cheating on peggy!
113
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:37,328
Peg [upstairs]:
Oh, marcy, stop complaining.
114
00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:39,163
I think you look great.
115
00:06:58,450 --> 00:07:00,652
Oh, marcy,
I'm really worried
116
00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:03,288
About al and this
other woman.
117
00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:06,891
Oh, who cares about
your petty problems?
118
00:07:06,892 --> 00:07:08,859
I'm a helmet-head!
119
00:07:13,965 --> 00:07:16,401
Boy [on street]:
Look! It's the pope!
120
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:22,340
Lick a wall socket!
121
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,044
Don't worry.
Just do what I said,
122
00:07:27,045 --> 00:07:30,081
And your girlfriend
will never find out
you're cheating on her.
123
00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:32,283
Trust me.
I'm an expert.
124
00:07:32,284 --> 00:07:33,650
All right.
I'll see you tonight
125
00:07:33,651 --> 00:07:35,353
Under the bleachers.
126
00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:37,421
Oh, and this time,
127
00:07:37,422 --> 00:07:40,724
Leave your camera at home.
Thanks. Bye.
128
00:07:40,725 --> 00:07:43,361
Kelly, I wanna talk to you
about something.
129
00:07:43,362 --> 00:07:45,863
I'm a good girl,
mommy.
130
00:07:45,864 --> 00:07:48,699
I said no camera.
131
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:49,967
Oh, I don't care
what you do.
132
00:07:49,968 --> 00:07:51,436
This is about me.
133
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:53,270
Bud, get lost.
134
00:07:56,942 --> 00:07:58,610
Honey, look.
135
00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:00,177
You've obviously
been "the other woman"
136
00:08:00,178 --> 00:08:01,178
Ever since you learned
137
00:08:01,179 --> 00:08:03,480
To slit your diapers
up the side.
138
00:08:09,054 --> 00:08:10,321
But tell me,
139
00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:12,957
How come their girlfriends
never find out?
140
00:08:12,958 --> 00:08:14,558
Well, you know,
141
00:08:14,559 --> 00:08:16,593
People throw the word
"hussy" around,
142
00:08:16,594 --> 00:08:17,761
But they don't understand
143
00:08:17,762 --> 00:08:21,098
The research
and preparation involved.
144
00:08:21,099 --> 00:08:22,466
No guy walks
away from me
145
00:08:22,467 --> 00:08:25,370
Without lessons in
the art of cover-up.
146
00:08:25,371 --> 00:08:28,506
And the number
of the free clinic.
147
00:08:36,247 --> 00:08:39,717
Go look in the mirror
and twitch.
148
00:08:39,718 --> 00:08:42,519
Anyway, the first thing
that I teach them
149
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,021
Is that a woman
can pick up the scent
150
00:08:44,022 --> 00:08:45,656
Of another woman on her man.
151
00:08:45,657 --> 00:08:46,691
So, to get rid of it,
152
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,660
I have them rub
their hands in the grass.
153
00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:50,261
Does he ask you to move,
154
00:08:50,262 --> 00:08:53,631
Or does he
work around you?
155
00:08:53,632 --> 00:08:57,535
Is there no kennel
that will take him?
156
00:08:57,536 --> 00:08:58,802
Bud, please.
157
00:08:58,803 --> 00:09:00,538
We both know
your sister's not a tramp.
158
00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,106
She's just popular.
159
00:09:02,107 --> 00:09:06,143
Ok. Date's over.
Your smell's off him.
160
00:09:06,144 --> 00:09:07,411
Now what?
161
00:09:07,412 --> 00:09:10,047
[sighs]
always make sure
they have an excuse.
162
00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:11,649
Somewhere
they've been. Um...
163
00:09:11,650 --> 00:09:13,584
The library,
their parole officer,
164
00:09:13,585 --> 00:09:15,253
The drunk tank.
165
00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:17,221
Bowling?
166
00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:19,157
Well, that works
for older guys.
167
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:23,127
Hm. Your father's
out bowling tonight.
168
00:09:23,128 --> 00:09:24,762
Oh, well,
I mean--
169
00:09:24,763 --> 00:09:27,331
I meant people older
than daddy.
170
00:09:27,332 --> 00:09:30,068
Are there any?
171
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,269
Hey, mom.
172
00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:33,871
Do you think
dad's cheating on you?
173
00:09:33,872 --> 00:09:35,907
Oh, of course not.
174
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,508
Good. 'cause we
don't wanna see
175
00:09:37,509 --> 00:09:39,010
You and dad
break up.
176
00:09:39,011 --> 00:09:42,513
We're almost like
a family here.
177
00:09:42,514 --> 00:09:44,815
You two should stay
together forever.
178
00:09:44,816 --> 00:09:46,084
However,
179
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,018
If you find
that you can't,
180
00:09:48,019 --> 00:09:50,388
May I suggest
mr. Rudnick, the butcher?
181
00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:51,655
He makes
a nice living.
182
00:09:51,656 --> 00:09:53,724
We'd always have
fresh meat on the table
183
00:09:53,725 --> 00:09:57,461
And season tickets
to the cubs.
184
00:09:57,462 --> 00:10:01,399
Can't say I like the sound
of bud rudnick.
185
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,202
But pound for pound,
he's the better father.
186
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:05,970
Oh, wait.
Not so fast, bud.
187
00:10:05,971 --> 00:10:07,005
I've been scoping out
188
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,307
Mr. Fletcher,
the dry cleaner.
189
00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:13,411
He's got a porsche,
cable tv and a bad heart.
190
00:10:17,916 --> 00:10:18,916
Rudnick.
191
00:10:18,917 --> 00:10:19,917
Fletcher.
192
00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:21,318
Rudnick!
Fletcher!
193
00:10:21,319 --> 00:10:23,020
Kids!
194
00:10:23,021 --> 00:10:25,923
Now, your father and I
love each other very much.
195
00:10:25,924 --> 00:10:27,692
And I'm gonna do
everything in my power
196
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:29,827
To make sure
we stay together.
197
00:10:29,828 --> 00:10:32,062
Then what did you get us
all excited for?
198
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:36,767
Is this another one
of your cruel jokes?
199
00:10:36,768 --> 00:10:37,634
Yeah, what are we,
200
00:10:37,635 --> 00:10:39,703
Just playthings
for your amusement?
201
00:10:39,704 --> 00:10:41,806
Oh, that reminds me.
I'm late for my date.
202
00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:47,512
Al:
Hi, kelly.
203
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:48,613
Hey,
204
00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:51,882
What are you throwing
the grass on me for?
205
00:10:56,054 --> 00:10:59,123
Kelly:
'cause I don't
wanna be a rudnick.
206
00:10:59,124 --> 00:11:01,358
Hello, al.
207
00:11:01,359 --> 00:11:04,429
How was, uh...
Bowling?
208
00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:10,668
Well, peg,
it was, uh...Fine.
209
00:11:10,669 --> 00:11:13,237
Good.
210
00:11:13,238 --> 00:11:14,705
[sniffs wildly]
211
00:11:19,277 --> 00:11:20,444
[sniffs]
212
00:11:22,047 --> 00:11:24,315
Well, peg,
what's next?
213
00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:25,616
We go out,
find a fire hydrant,
214
00:11:25,617 --> 00:11:27,818
Lift our legs?
215
00:11:29,821 --> 00:11:31,021
I just wanted
to make sure
216
00:11:31,022 --> 00:11:34,258
All the smells
are where they should be.
217
00:11:34,259 --> 00:11:36,093
Ooh!
218
00:11:36,094 --> 00:11:39,063
And they are.
219
00:11:39,064 --> 00:11:42,300
Is that a burger
I smell on your breath?
220
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:44,202
No, peg,
it's our wedding cake.
221
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,570
That's the last time
I ate.
222
00:11:46,571 --> 00:11:49,172
[telephone rings]
223
00:11:49,173 --> 00:11:50,941
What's going on
around here?
224
00:11:50,942 --> 00:11:52,476
I might ask you
the same thing,
225
00:11:52,477 --> 00:11:55,212
Mr. 24-inch sony.
226
00:11:55,213 --> 00:11:56,680
Don't call me a tv
in my own home.
227
00:11:56,681 --> 00:11:59,851
You're a tv.
228
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:04,055
Bud [upstairs]:
Dad, it's for you. Some woman.
229
00:12:05,357 --> 00:12:06,890
Hello.
230
00:12:06,891 --> 00:12:08,759
Yeah.
231
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,127
Oh, yeah.
I guess I can make it.
232
00:12:10,128 --> 00:12:13,197
Ok, yeah, yeah.
Bye.
233
00:12:13,198 --> 00:12:14,999
That was
jim bauer's wife.
234
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,467
It looks like he got some kind
of stomach flu or something.
235
00:12:17,468 --> 00:12:19,369
It looks like I got to
work for him at the store
236
00:12:19,370 --> 00:12:20,404
The rest of the week.
237
00:12:20,405 --> 00:12:21,872
Anything for supper?
238
00:12:21,873 --> 00:12:23,774
I hate you, al.
239
00:12:25,644 --> 00:12:28,879
Toaster!
240
00:12:30,882 --> 00:12:32,516
[sizzling]
241
00:12:32,517 --> 00:12:34,585
Peg:
I'll show that woman
she's not the only one
242
00:12:34,586 --> 00:12:36,487
Who can cook a burger.
243
00:12:36,488 --> 00:12:40,757
Oh, so...
244
00:12:40,758 --> 00:12:43,093
So you, like,
reverse it?
245
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:47,764
It's called
"flipping it over."
246
00:12:47,765 --> 00:12:49,801
That way, it gets cooked
on both sides.
247
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:51,569
Oh. Gee.
248
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:54,772
I wonder if that would work
with pancakes?
249
00:12:56,808 --> 00:12:59,810
Oh, marcy,
I can't believe it.
250
00:12:59,811 --> 00:13:01,545
I've taken the best years
of al's life,
251
00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:04,549
And this is how
he thanks me.
252
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:05,649
Peggy, I really
don't think
253
00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:07,384
Al's cheating on you.
254
00:13:07,385 --> 00:13:10,254
I took an impromptu poll
of all the women I know,
255
00:13:10,255 --> 00:13:12,790
And as far as
his desirability,
256
00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:17,661
Al ranked below alf.
257
00:13:17,662 --> 00:13:19,230
Which means
they'd rather make love
258
00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:25,837
To a piece of cloth
with a man's hand in it...
259
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:28,105
Than with your husband.
260
00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:30,708
What if he is
cheatin' on me?
261
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:32,142
Stand by your man...
262
00:13:32,143 --> 00:13:34,144
In court.
263
00:13:34,145 --> 00:13:35,245
Take him for
everything,
264
00:13:35,246 --> 00:13:37,181
And get yourself
another man.
265
00:13:37,182 --> 00:13:38,782
A real man.
266
00:13:38,783 --> 00:13:41,218
I don't want
a real man.
267
00:13:41,219 --> 00:13:42,886
I want al.
268
00:13:46,758 --> 00:13:49,594
Why?
269
00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:51,595
Oh, I don't know.
270
00:13:51,596 --> 00:13:52,596
Have you ever had
271
00:13:52,597 --> 00:13:54,698
A favorite pair
of old shoes?
272
00:13:54,699 --> 00:13:56,300
They're boring
and ugly
273
00:13:56,301 --> 00:13:58,702
And stink
to high heaven.
274
00:13:58,703 --> 00:14:00,971
But they're yours,
you know?
275
00:14:00,972 --> 00:14:03,040
They're worn down
and broken in,
276
00:14:03,041 --> 00:14:04,841
And when you
put 'em on,
277
00:14:04,842 --> 00:14:06,843
It feels like
there's nothing there.
278
00:14:06,844 --> 00:14:11,581
Ha, ha, ha.
That's my al.
279
00:14:11,582 --> 00:14:13,750
I've lost my
stinkin' al.
280
00:14:13,751 --> 00:14:15,353
Aw...
281
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,586
Not yet.
282
00:14:16,587 --> 00:14:19,123
I told you, I had steve
wear a disguise
283
00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:21,959
And follow al
since last night.
284
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,593
He has nothing else
to do,
285
00:14:23,594 --> 00:14:27,732
Because he won't go near me
with this hair.
286
00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:35,973
Hello, peggy.
287
00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:37,508
Bee-woman.
288
00:14:41,245 --> 00:14:43,981
So, what'd ya find out
about al?
289
00:14:43,982 --> 00:14:46,784
I found out that he has
the most pathetic life
290
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:49,353
Of any creature
on this planet...
291
00:14:49,354 --> 00:14:51,589
And has nicer hair
than my wife.
292
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:52,723
Heh, heh, heh!
293
00:14:54,459 --> 00:14:55,660
[snaps fingers]
294
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:57,828
Uh... Ahem...
Now for my report.
295
00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:04,201
"subject arrived at work
at 7 p.M. Last night.
296
00:15:04,202 --> 00:15:10,508
"wept till 7:30.
Then turned on lights.
297
00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:14,011
"inventory till 8:30.
Bathroom till 10.
298
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:19,983
"10:07: Ate dinner consisting of
packaged condiments
299
00:15:19,984 --> 00:15:21,919
"he lifted from barney dog.
300
00:15:24,489 --> 00:15:28,659
"10:31: The mall
security guard comes by,
301
00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:30,127
"clubs me about the head
and ears
302
00:15:30,128 --> 00:15:31,462
And takes my watch."
303
00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:35,299
So from here on,
304
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:38,336
I don't know what time
anything happens.
305
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:39,437
"went home."
306
00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:43,975
Looked at the
sleeping klingon
307
00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:47,278
That used to be
my wife--
308
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,380
Come on, lice-capade.
309
00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:51,382
Is he cheatin' on me
or not?
310
00:15:53,085 --> 00:15:55,853
Absolutely not.
311
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:57,354
You are a liar.
312
00:15:57,355 --> 00:15:59,823
All you men
stick together.
313
00:15:59,824 --> 00:16:00,991
Yeah.
314
00:16:00,992 --> 00:16:03,426
You probably weren't even
watching al.
315
00:16:03,427 --> 00:16:05,596
Where have you been?
316
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:08,732
You got me.
317
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:11,735
An old girlfriend,
kathleen turner, was in town.
318
00:16:11,736 --> 00:16:14,404
So I rubbed some
grime and lice on my body,
319
00:16:14,405 --> 00:16:16,941
And we went
dumpster hopping.
320
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:19,209
Well, you hate my hair
so much,
321
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:21,278
You'd really do that,
wouldn't you?
322
00:16:21,279 --> 00:16:23,481
Well...
323
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:26,017
Yeah.
324
00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:28,652
Well, let's just see
kathleen turner
325
00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:30,421
Make melon balls
for you.
326
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:31,922
I'm sorry.
327
00:16:31,923 --> 00:16:33,391
I'm sorry!
328
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:37,961
Hey, peg.
329
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:39,363
I just saw
steve and marcy.
330
00:16:39,364 --> 00:16:42,800
Boy, marcy looks
ridiculous.
331
00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:43,734
Hi, al.
332
00:16:43,735 --> 00:16:44,735
Honey, look.
333
00:16:44,736 --> 00:16:45,736
Look, look, look.
334
00:16:45,737 --> 00:16:47,505
I-- I made you
a hamburger,
335
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:51,575
And I even cooked it
on both sides.
336
00:16:51,576 --> 00:16:53,043
Well, peg,
I'm not hungry.
337
00:16:53,044 --> 00:16:56,480
I filled up at the store
on ketchup and mustard.
338
00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:58,215
Besides,
I'm going bowling tonight.
339
00:16:58,216 --> 00:16:59,950
Oh, no,
you're not.
340
00:16:59,951 --> 00:17:01,785
I know what
you're up to.
341
00:17:01,786 --> 00:17:05,556
You're making the 7-10 split
with some blonde floozy.
342
00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:08,158
That's what
this is about?
343
00:17:08,159 --> 00:17:10,294
You think I'm
cheating on you?
344
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:12,196
Well, what else
am I gonna think?
345
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:13,730
You go to work,
come home.
346
00:17:13,731 --> 00:17:15,499
I'm not blind,
you know.
347
00:17:19,070 --> 00:17:20,437
Peg, sit down.
348
00:17:22,941 --> 00:17:26,777
Honey,
you're an idiot.
349
00:17:29,781 --> 00:17:32,483
You think that just because
I don't tell ya I love ya,
350
00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:35,285
I don't wanna
spend any time with ya,
351
00:17:35,286 --> 00:17:37,554
And your voice
often makes me cringe,
352
00:17:37,555 --> 00:17:40,123
That I want
another woman?
353
00:17:40,124 --> 00:17:43,059
You're the only one
for me.
354
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,194
You really mean that?
355
00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:45,596
Well, sure.
What do I always say?
356
00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:49,065
"why go out for milk
when you got a cow at home?"
357
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,476
Oh, honey.
358
00:17:59,477 --> 00:18:02,279
You really do love me.
359
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,149
Let's go upstairs
and have sex right now.
360
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:07,150
Now, honey, you know
what I always say:
361
00:18:07,151 --> 00:18:09,853
"no."
362
00:18:09,854 --> 00:18:11,221
Now, look, peg.
363
00:18:11,222 --> 00:18:13,524
I gotta go upstairs
and wash the feet off my hands.
364
00:18:13,525 --> 00:18:18,963
I know you're cheatin' on me,
and I'll find out.
365
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:20,564
Mark my words.
366
00:18:20,565 --> 00:18:23,467
I'll win you back.
And when I do,
367
00:18:23,468 --> 00:18:27,237
You better pack your bags,
'cause you're out of here.
368
00:18:28,473 --> 00:18:32,142
Look at her. Sitting there,
all blond and pretty.
369
00:18:32,143 --> 00:18:35,879
I bet al takes his socks off
for her.
370
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:36,880
Mine doesn't even
371
00:18:36,881 --> 00:18:40,351
Take the cigar
out of his mouth.
372
00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:41,352
Mine does.
373
00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:44,254
He rests it
on my forehead.
374
00:18:47,725 --> 00:18:49,827
Oh, what could
he see in her?
375
00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:52,028
Now, you know how I like it.
Just even out the ends,
376
00:18:52,029 --> 00:18:53,430
But don't lose any length.
377
00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:54,898
He likes it long.
Ha!
378
00:18:54,899 --> 00:18:56,766
That's what
turns him on.
379
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:59,603
Oh, does it,
al?
380
00:18:59,604 --> 00:19:00,938
Marcy,
381
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:05,643
Could you subtly distract
the hairdresser?
382
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:08,345
The one who did
my hair?
383
00:19:08,346 --> 00:19:10,714
I'll try.
384
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:35,506
Remember,
just the ends.
385
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:36,974
Leave it long.
386
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:40,610
[mimicking hairdresser]
just like he likes it.
387
00:19:42,547 --> 00:19:43,847
So, uh,
388
00:19:43,848 --> 00:19:46,450
How many husbands
have you stolen?
389
00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:48,852
Hm. Ten or 12.
390
00:19:48,853 --> 00:19:50,520
But the year
is still young. Ha!
391
00:19:50,521 --> 00:19:52,957
And the best part is,
I've never been caught.
392
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:57,061
Oh!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
393
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:59,629
Ah!
394
00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:03,000
I guess you're just
too smart for 'em, huh?
395
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:05,769
You know, I've even had sex
in their own beds
396
00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:07,371
While their wives
were out shopping.
397
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,572
Ha, ha, ha!
398
00:20:08,573 --> 00:20:13,210
[maniacal laughter]
399
00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:15,846
[sings wordlessly,
laughing]
400
00:20:18,949 --> 00:20:20,117
Um...
401
00:20:20,118 --> 00:20:21,819
Just keep on reading,
honey,
402
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:26,323
And I'll get right back,
and we'll get started.
403
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:29,159
Hi, al.
404
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:30,961
What brings you here?
405
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:33,229
Well, judging by the condition
of my bowling ball,
406
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:38,735
I figured you might be
in a mood.
407
00:20:38,736 --> 00:20:40,103
Aw, look, honey.
What the hell.
408
00:20:40,104 --> 00:20:41,905
I been thinking.
You know, we're married.
409
00:20:41,906 --> 00:20:46,209
You deserve a jump
every now and then.
410
00:20:46,210 --> 00:20:47,310
So I checked
the tv guide.
411
00:20:47,311 --> 00:20:48,879
There's nothing on
Saturday night.
412
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:49,980
So what say
we make a date
413
00:20:49,981 --> 00:20:51,482
Somewhere between
eight and 8:30
414
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:54,918
During mr. Belvedere.
415
00:20:54,919 --> 00:20:57,620
Well, maybe we could go
a little longer
416
00:20:57,621 --> 00:20:59,690
If I were wearing this.
417
00:20:59,691 --> 00:21:01,058
What do I care
what you're wearing?
418
00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:04,894
I'll just be
watching the clock.
419
00:21:04,895 --> 00:21:05,996
Come on.
420
00:21:05,997 --> 00:21:07,096
I want you
to meet someone.
421
00:21:07,097 --> 00:21:08,231
Okay.
422
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:10,300
Hi.
423
00:21:10,301 --> 00:21:12,001
Hi.
Who's this?
424
00:21:12,002 --> 00:21:14,438
Who's this?
425
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,440
You mean, you're not
sleepin' with him?
426
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:20,210
Ha, please.
Even I have standards.
427
00:21:20,211 --> 00:21:22,479
Ha, ha, ha!
428
00:21:23,881 --> 00:21:25,782
So you were really jealous,
huh, peg?
429
00:21:25,783 --> 00:21:28,685
Well,
who can blame you?
430
00:21:28,686 --> 00:21:29,686
Stallion like me
431
00:21:29,687 --> 00:21:32,655
Only comes around
once a year.
432
00:21:32,656 --> 00:21:36,693
Exactly once a year.
433
00:21:36,694 --> 00:21:38,395
Yeah. I guess it was
pretty silly of me
434
00:21:38,396 --> 00:21:41,465
Thinkin' you were
cheatin'. Ha, ha, ha!
435
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:44,368
How stupid!
Ha, ha, ha!
436
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:46,303
Like someone else
would have you.
437
00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:49,272
Oh, I feel like
such a fool.
438
00:21:49,273 --> 00:21:52,009
I mean, you are a middle-aged
shoe salesman.
439
00:21:52,010 --> 00:21:54,177
Some woman would have to be
pretty darn desperate--
440
00:21:54,178 --> 00:21:55,245
Ok, peg.
441
00:21:55,246 --> 00:21:58,448
That's enough
of an apology now.
442
00:21:58,449 --> 00:22:01,451
Good night.
443
00:22:03,755 --> 00:22:07,257
Al.
Leave me alone.
444
00:22:07,258 --> 00:22:08,558
Oh, well.
445
00:22:08,559 --> 00:22:09,793
At least
it's nice to know
446
00:22:09,794 --> 00:22:12,262
I'm the only one
you're not doin' it with.
447
00:22:12,263 --> 00:22:14,898
Ha, ha, ha!
448
00:22:14,899 --> 00:22:17,200
Good night, honey.
449
00:22:37,221 --> 00:22:39,355
[♪]
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