Original subtitles

[♪]

Announcer [over tv]: We'll be back in a moment with dr. Sandy,

Channel 67's leading authority on sex and weather.

Mom, how are we gonna get money?

Dad took his wallet in the shower with him.

Yeah, and as we all know,

When we rifled his pants last night,

We found a note in his pocket.

It said,

"it's in my underwear. I dare you."

Dad's playing hardball.

What're we gonna do, mom?

Ah, don't worry about it.

That's not his real wallet.

This is.

But won't dad know?

No, I bought a duplicate wallet,

And I filled it with xeroxed money.

The way I figure it,

If your dad's got the gall

To go out and buy himself something

Without telling the family,

He deserves to go to jail.

Announcer: And now we're back

With dr. Sandy and viewer mail.

Sandy: Our first letter is from "desperate,"

A.K.A. Peggy pundy.

She writes, "lately my husband,

"we'll call him sal,

"shows no interest in sex,

At least not with me."

Well, my dear,

Perhaps a change of venue would spice up your sex life.

Have you tried doing it in the living room?

Or the kitchen.

And there's always the bathroom.

[toilet flushes]

Try it, mrs. Pundy.

You'll like it.

I did.

[clicks off tv]

Well, peg, I'm showered and ready to go to work

And edge ever closer to the grave.

Wish me luck.

Al, take me.

I want to have sex on the kitchen table.

I want to have a meal on the kitchen table.

Learn to live without.

I did.

Goodbye.

Al, I'm serious.

I want sex.

Peg, how long have we been married?

Forty, 50 years?

Do we not have two children?

Well, yeah.

Then my job is done.

[doorbell rings]

Good morning, al.

Try selling shoes.

Marcie, let me ask you something.

Have you and steve ever, uh, done it

In other places?

You mean like planes, buses,

The observation deck of the john hancock building?

Ahhh...

Sit down.

Marcie,

I am trying to put

Some excitement and spontaneity

Back into our sex life.

Actually,

I'm trying to put al back into our sex life.

Well, let's start with seduction.

What's your technique?

Well, what works best

Is when I leave a trail of chocolate bars

From the bathroom to the bed.

Of course, the trick is to space them out just right

So that he doesn't eat too much,

Or he'll doze off before he gets to me.

Perfectly normal,

Perfectly normal.

But remember, peggy, men are like little boys.

You have to make sex naughty,

Filthy and degrading,

The way they like it,

And the way we need it.

So whenever I want to put a little more...

Beef in steve's jerky...

I take him to this nice, little romantic motel

Out near the airport.

It's called the hop-on inn.

Isn't it beautiful?

I think I know what's going on here.

The chocolates in the car, the oil on my zipper.

You want sex, don't you?

No, I want a fur coat,

But I'll take what's behind zipper number one.

Peg, if you scare him like this,

He'll never come out.

Look, al, I want sex.

Do you want to be conscious or not?

Oh, come on, honey.

We could start with a jacuzzi.

Aw, peg, I hate jacuzzis.

They shoot air up my butt.

Well, that's a nice change of pace.

Oh, look.

They left us a movie, a mood enhancer.

"filth."

Sounds pretty romantic.

Well, I'm just gonna change.

Okay, al.

Pop in the movie, pop in a breath mint,

And let's coax the mummy out of his crypt.

I don't want to have sex.

You're my wife, for god's sake.

Hasn't having the kids taught you anything?

Nothing good comes of it.

Now, sit down and watch this movie.

Now, isn't this fun?

Whoa.

I didn't know a human leg could do that.

Oh, I want that.

Oh, and I want that!

And I definitely want that!

Ew! Ooh!

You know, that guy looks a little like...

Both: Steve and marcie!

That is steve and marcie.

Wow!

Look at her go.

Ah, peg,

What kind of perv-o would get turned on

Watching themselves?

Oh, shut up, al.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

[groans] oh, noooo...

I can't believe they taped us.

And on "back to school" night.

Steve, I feel so violated.

Gee, if we'd known you didn't know you were being taped,

We never would have brought you over here

And sprung this on you.

I feel terrible.

[both laugh]

Yeah, laugh, clowns, laugh,

But here's a hot flash for you.

If they taped us, they taped you too.

Peg, I told you

We should never have sex.

Now everybody's gonna know.

I just know my hair was a mess,

And I had on my old nightgown.

I never look good in pictures.

I know this is off the subject.

Don't you realize

That all of our rights have been tremendously violated?

We were caught in the act of--

And then the ducky said to the frog,

"then why is it on the menu?"

[all chuckle]

No!

Tv's for adults.

Don't you kids have something to do?

Well, personally,

I'm just killing time till I'm 18.

I'm helping her count.

Mrs. Rhoades is blushing like a schoolgirl.

You told them.

Everybody knows I'm a porn queen!

Kel,

I believe something deeply personal

Is going on here.

And it might be more comfortable

For the adults

If the children left the room.

Therefore, I shall open the bidding.

Five dollars.

I hear 10.

Any further bidding?

Perhaps from the little lady

With the deep secret?

Al, can't you get rid of them?

Don't you think I've tried?

All right, you little gangsters.

How much are we talking?

Well, 50 bucks hides a lot of shame.

Trust her. She should know.

Kids...

Aren't you forgetting something?

Both: Thank you, mr. And mrs. Rhoades.

Al, what are we gonna do?

Well, I don't know about you,

But when the kids go to sleep, I'm looting.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna sue these vermin for everything they've got.

Oh, I don't know.

I've always been a fan of physical violence.

How about if I go down there and break a back or two?

That way, everybody's happy.

Quiet, dear.

Steve has a thought

On how sex with you can finally be satisfying.

So we can make some money off of this?

And see justice served.

Right, marcie?

When you go down there,

And you've broken their spines

And snapped their arms like little twigs,

And they're truly, truly helpless,

Then I'll come in.

Yeah, I'll come in,

With just a mere old-fashioned can opener.

And I'll do things to them...

That'll make the devil himself vomit.

Uh...Or we could sue.

How much do you think we can get?

I think a million dollars is not out of the question.

A million dollars?

Al, we hardly do anything together anymore.

Let's sue.

Well, peg,

I don't know.

It'd be kind of embarrassing.

A million dollars, al.

Do you know what that means to you?

Five thousand dollars.

I told you, peg, we should've

Just beat the hell out of these people.

It's a million dollars, al.

How else are we

Gonna get a million dollars?

You earn it? Ha, ha!

Now, just relax and be outraged.

How lovely.

New meat.

Who's that?

The attorney for the defense.

Where's our lawyer?

You're looking at him.

It's me, you idiot.

I figure this is an open-and-shut case.

A lawyer takes 30 percent.

That's 300 thou.

That leaves us only 700 grand to split.

After taxes, we get squat.

Now, trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Where's everybody going?

We're standing for the judge, mr. Darrow.

[gavel cracks]

This court is now in session.

We will be hearing

Rhoades and bundy v. The hop-on inn.

We will now hear opening statements.

[clears throat]

Hello, everyone.

Anyhow,

My wife and I and peggy and al bundy

Went to the hop-on inn

To indulge in a little clean marital fun...

On separate occasions, of course.

During the course of our wholesome bliss,

Our romantic activities,

The reaffirmation of the love we share,

And whatever the bundys were doing...

Our conjugal privacy was invaded.

Yes, we were violated by video cameras.

But first,

I think you should hear some background

That I believe is germane to this case.

My grandfather came to this country a poor man...

And in world war ii,

My uncle nick

Wiped out more nazi dogs with venereal disease

Than six armor divisions...

[♪]

Then they tape us having sex.

And that concludes my opening statement.

Uh, your honor?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ms. Weigel,

Would you care to make an opening statement?

The defense passes for the moment, your honor.

Good move, girlie.

Judge: Mr. Rhoades,

You may call your first witness.

Your honor,

My only witnesses are...

Exhibits a and b.

Steve, you have the tapes?

You're not gonna show those.

A million dollars, marcie.

Doesn't my honor mean more to you

Than a million dollars?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit a.

And...The end.

[applause]

Oh, thank you.

Honestly, it was nothing.

No, really.

And, now...Exhibit b.

The subpoenaed tape of mr. And mrs. Bundy...

And the end.

And so,

In conclusion,

I'm sure it's obvious

That our privacy was indeed invaded,

And so we deserve a million dollars.

I rest my case.

Ms. Weigel.

I'd like to call my first witness to the stand,

A mrs. Marcie rhoades.

Mrs. Rhoades...

Had you ever been to the hop-on inn

Before the evening in question?

[quietly] yes, once or twice.

We can't hear you.

I said, once or twice.

Need I subpoena the desk clerk, guido?

Thirty or 40 times.

Thirty or 40 times.

Well, I suppose that's normal.

Mrs. Rhoades, are you wearing underwear?

Two pairs.

And are they both crotchless?

Yes, damn you.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I ask you, does this woman,

The same woman you witnessed on that tape,

Look like a woman who has been wronged

By anyone but her husband?

I object.

Sure, when she picks on you.

Where were you during the underwear examination?

Mrs. Rhoades,

You were not one bit deceived.

You knew that camera was there all along.

What kind of a woman do you think I am?

Let's just see, shall we?

Look familiar?

[gasps] no!

Thank you, mrs. Rhoades.

Get out of my sight, you make me sick.

I'd now like to call to the stand

Mr. Al bundy.

You did put on clean underwear today,

Didn't you, al?

Mr. Bundy, on what grounds are you suing?

Um...

Well, my wife's sick of poverty,

And, uh...

She told me she'd give me $5000.

That's it?

Then there's that outrage thing.

Mr. Bundy,

Let's once again view that arousing performance

You claim that my client is capitalizing on.

All right, I'm feeling relaxed here,

And I'm breathing good.

There's the foreplay.

And, uh...

Once again, I finish first.

I'd now like to call mrs. Bundy.

Mrs. Bundy,

Did you have sex with your husband

At the hop-on inn?

Yes.

Mrs. Bundy, may I remind you

That the penalty for perjury

Is seven years in prison,

Where, I assure you, you will have sex.

All right.

Well, it may not be sex to you, but it is to me,

And just because you all have husbands

That can last long enough to time an egg,

Doesn't mean that what al does doesn't count.

You may step down.

Is a crumb not a banquet for a starving person?

You may step down.

Is a fig leaf not clothing for the naked?

Please, step down.

You can't do this to al!

Remove this woman.

He'll lose what little confidence

He already has.

You were great, baby.

Please, oh, please, don't listen to her.

Don't give up.

You are much man!

[wails] oh, god!

[gavel cracks]

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, your honor.

We, the jury, award punitive damages of $10,000

To mr. And mrs. Rhoades

On the grounds that their privacy

Was indeed invaded.

Not bad, huh, babe?

Curdle and die.

And as for the bundys,

No sex, no money.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

This court is now adjourned.

Well, al,

At least we still have each other.

[sobbing]

Peg, come with me.

Where are we going?

Come here a minute.

Over here.

What, al?

Hurry up. Come on.

Get down in there.

Like this, al?

Yeah, like that.

Al: Now, was that sex, or was that sex?

[peggy slowly exhales smoke]

That was sex, al.

And you know, if we had been on tape,

We would have made a million bucks.

[both laugh]

[♪]