Original subtitles

[♪]

[door slams]

[dog barks over television]

Boy: What is it, rinty?

You say the bad men

Are coming from the southeast by boat,

And they're armed with knives?

[dog barks]

They're armed with guns, and they're foreigners.

Good boy.

Thanks to you, the village will be saved.

[dog barks]

Aw. We love you too, boy.

[sentimental music plays]

[shuts tv off]

You know, I just realized

That we've got someone in this house

That eats, lies around all day,

And does absolutely nothing.

Aw, buck is cute.

I was talking about you, peg.

But the dog's pretty useless too.

You know, something else just dawned on me.

That people can shower during the week?

No, love of my life.

No, that there's no one in this damn house

Does anything for me.

Now, I'm the breadwinner.

I deserve better treatment.

Like, hey, I know.

The next time I come home from work,

I want someone to bring me my slippers.

The question is who.

Actually, when it comes to your slippers,

The question is how...

As in how can a man make his slippers

Smell even worse than his feet?

Hey, I sweat the sweat of the dead, peg.

Anyhow, getting back

To who's going to bring me my slippers, you...

Well, I think you're untrainable.

The kids don't care if I live or die,

So...I guess that leaves buck.

Maybe everybody can learn from him.

Well, that is how we toilet-trained the kids.

Of course, bud was 5

Before he stopped getting excited

Every time he saw a tree.

[both laugh]

But that's what teachers in kindergarten are for.

Now, buck,

You just saw rin tin tin save an entire nation.

Pretty inspiring, wasn't it?

The least you can do

Is lift your head and look at me,

You shiftless, lazy--

I can't believe it.

You must be the laziest dog--

Where does he learn this from?

Peg, get up.

Is dinner ready?

Buck, you're gonna learn to get daddy's slippers.

Now, I'm gonna pretend that I just got home from work.

Oh, boy, I'm beat.

Just an average day.

Kelly failed another test.

Bud's dealing three-card monte at the old folks' home.

Mommy's in oprah coma.

Daddy earned a cool 75 cents slaving in the shoe mines.

Oh, boy, am I tired.

My tootsies are killing me.

Boy, would I like to have some slippers

To go on my feet.

Al, forget about the dog.

So you said you made 75 cents?

Oh, god.

Peg, I'm not giving up.

See the problem is

Buck doesn't know my slippers,

So I'm going to show them to him

And then give him the scent.

Honey...

The whole neighborhood knows the smell of your feet.

Remember that incident

With the burning air wick on the front lawn?

Go ahead, yuk it up, peg,

But as soon as buck learns how to make tang,

You're on the first bus.

Dad...

Why is buck rubbing his nose

Back and forth on the ground?

It's a sign of pride in male dogs.

How was school today, bud?

Not that I care.

I'm glad that you asked that, dad,

Because I'm not being all I can be.

Now, you know what we need in this house?

Poison gas coming through the vents?

He only thinks of himself.

What do we need, dear?

A computer.

Okay.

Al, write him a check.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey, even better, you know,

Go to the vault where we keep the gold bars

And chip off what you need.

If anybody wants me, I'll be at the country club.

They're having the big al bundy golf classic.

I'm hole nine.

Come on, al.

Don't you want bud

To have all the things you never had?

You know, an education, a good job,

A happy wife?

You can't tell me that seeing me up to my armpits in misery

Doesn't make you happy.

Now, we're not getting a computer.

Computers are ruining the country.

Computers and women.

Yes, and they're quite similar, al,

Because you don't know how to turn on either one.

I'm not interested in either one.

Mom, can I have a computer?

Of course you can, dear.

What color would you like?

I must be dead.

I speak. No one hears me.

Al, we have to get bud a computer.

He has a chance to be the first bundy ever

To go to college.

My uncle edwin went to college.

He was a cadaver for the pre-med students.

And what about kelly?

She could use one.

You know, she might wanna go to college, you know?

Oh, god.

Remedial reading test tomorrow.

I mean, what do I care

If jack and jill fell down a hall?

I mean, why were they even in the building?

Kelly, we're getting a computer.

Oh, cool. What color?

Well, I was thinking blue.

You know, we really need one too.

What do they do?

Al, do you know

Your dog is burying himself in your backyard?

Well, I hope

It's not the spot by the hose,

Because that little plot's for me.

Hey, mr. And mrs. Rhoades, we're getting a computer.

Oh, steve, a computer.

I remember our first computer.

To buy it, we each decided to give up something,

To sacrifice,

So that we could have our little computer.

Steve gave up getting a new car

For another year, and I--

I gave up my class on napkin-folding.

Steve just let me.

Now he's got a new mercedes,

And I'll never know how to make a napkin hat.

Thanks, steve.

But I'm working that out in therapy.

Meantime, you're getting a computer?

We don't need a computer

And I'll tell you what would happen

If we got one.

Just like when we had the kids,

Everybody oohs and ahs the first couple of days.

Then after the novelty wears off,

It just sits there, collects dust,

And cries for food.

No, I'm telling you, nobody needs kids.

No. I mean, a computer.

I used to be like you, al.

Well, not just like you.

I mean, I cared about personal hygiene and...

Had change for a dollar...

But I too doubted the computer.

No longer, al.

The computer can be your friend...

Especially on those long nights

When your wife isn't talking to you

Because you can't fold a stinkin' napkin.

Well, I need something on those long nights

When my wife is talking to me.

Much like a family, what will a computer do for me?

It can do all sorts of things,

Like keeping up with sports scores.

Newspaper.

Social events.

Tv guide.

Organizing recipes.

Don't eat.

Doctors' appointments.

Don't care.

Maybe we're talking to the wrong person.

Peggy, a computer can be

The most wonderful thing in the world.

I'm sold.

No, really--

I don't care. I'm sold.

Let's get one.

Hey...

Hey, I make the decisions around here...

Bud: I want a laser printer.

And I'm telling you

That there will not be any computers in this--

And I want my dinner.

And my slippers.

Because I'm the boss here, damn it!

At least there's one place that I'm still the king.

Boy, what a hard day at work I had today.

My feet are killing me.

Wish I had some nice slippers to put them in.

Well, it's not quite it, buck,

But try to remember this for when we go to the beach.

Okay, I don't think I'm explaining it to you right.

Come on up here on the couch.

Good boy. Stay.

I'm gonna go over here and show you how it's done.

You stay there and be me.

I'll show you what a real dog's like.

Oh, look, my master's home.

Curse the luck that brought him to that foul woman.

I'll bet he'd be much more comfortable

With his slippers.

I'll go get them for him.

See?

See?

Huh?

Um, mom...

Is this truly the end?

Because if it is, I'm not walking him.

Don't worry, honey.

If daddy the dog is anything like daddy the man,

He'll just put a newspaper under his paw

And lock himself in a tree for an hour.

Dad, wait till you see what we got.

Al, you're gonna be proud

Of what I did.

I saved you $200.

Thanks, steve.

Yep, they wouldn't give you anything off

On the $1200 model,

So I said, "no way, josé

I am not leaving here without a discount."

So I got them

To give you a $200 rebate

On this $2100 model.

Peg, you spent $1900?

No. I spent $2100,

Because with the $200 we saved you,

I bought this dress.

So, actually, this dress was free.

And you got a $200 rebate.

Yeah, I guess that's what my horoscope meant

When it said, "kaboom."

Al, what you're overlooking

Is all the things this model can do.

This...Is a muscle machine.

It's fully loaded.

It has a 3600-baud modem,

A vga, high-resolution color monitor,

A 40-megabyte hard disk,

And seven megabytes of ram.

Steve, it's the you of computers.

You ain't just whistling ibm, baby.

Welcome to tomorrowland, al.

Where would you like it?

Put it over here

In "it's a broke world after all."

Oh, al...

Just because we're flat broke

Doesn't mean

We have to live like animals.

Now, this machine

Is gonna wind up saving us money

In the long run.

How? Does it emit powerful life-draining radiation?

Well, I don't know.

I don't even know how to use it.

I don't even know why we need it.

I just know I want it.

You know, like when we had the kids.

Let's set it up.

Hey, we can put it on the desk

Where daddy thinks he's hiding money from us.

Oh, no, let's put it on the coffee table.

Oh, we'd better dust it off, though.

We'll need something to wipe it with.

Bud, go get daddy's good sweater.

You know,

The one that his mother knitted for him.

You're going to dust for the computer?

When was the last time you dusted for me

Or cooked for me or listened to one word I said?

Al, don't just sit there silently.

Say something about the computer.

Is my family lost to me?

Am I the forgotten marx brother?

Am I zeppo bundy?

Finally, someone who knows

Who the real master of this house is.

Oh.

Computer [male voice]: Hello, al.

I cost you a lot of money, didn't I,

And nobody's touched me, have they?

Well, looks like you were right again.

Just like you were about your marriage,

Your kids, and your job.

[laughs]

Come on, smile for me, al.

I'm not so bad.

Every family needs a computer.

[laughs]

Dad, I've got this book report due in...

Oh, god, what do you call it,

The subject with the words?

English?

Yeah.

So I've got this book report for tomorrow on moby dick,

And I've been, like, reading it for an hour

And I got stumped on something.

Could you help me? What?

Call who ishmael?

Ah, me.

Kelly, look, we've got a million-dollar computer

Sitting over here,

Why don't you do your report on it?

I tried.

I turned it on, and I typed in "ishmael."

Do you know what it said to me, dad?

"ishmael."

It even spelled it wrong, and then it just sat there.

What am I gonna do?

Kelly, daddy's a ticking time bomb right now.

Ask your brother.

Hey, there, lonely boy.

I've got this book report.

Do you know who ishmael is?

Moby dick?

Yeah, you know it?

The classic whaling tale by herman melville.

I know just about everything there is.

What do you need to know?

What happens?

Let's see.

Ishmael and the whale were actually good friends...

And the whale would talk.

Oh, cool!

Yep.

The whale would call him wilbur.

He called ishmael, wilbur?

Exactly...

Computer didn't know that.

And they sang this classic whaling song.

[to the tune of "mr. Ed"] ♪ a whale is a whale of course, of course ♪

♪ and no one's talked to a whale of course ♪

♪ unless, of course the whale, of course ♪

♪ is the fabulous mr. Dick ♪

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're going too fast. You're going too fast.

Oh, this is so good.

And I bet the whale

Wouldn't talk to anyone but wilbur, huh?

You hear that, dad?

Make those college reservations now

Because this girl is going places.

Ah.

Bud, I hope you realize when she grows up,

It's your responsibility to take care of her.

Because when she's 21,

High school student or not, she's outta here.

Don't worry, dad.

Bud, hey,

Don't you want to play

With the computer or something?

Why would I wanna use the computer

When I got a blank screen like kelly upstairs?

Al.

Al?

What?

You don't look comfortable, al.

Why don't you get the dog

To bring you your slippers?

Buck.

Buck.

Boy, my tootsies are tired.

Buck.

Buck--

The damn dog is untrainable.

Good boy, buck.

Take it upstairs.

Good boy!

Close the door behind you.

[door closes]

He's a wonder dog.

Now, peg, we've had this computer for--

I know what you're gonna say,

That it's just a waste of money,

But I'm gonna use it right now.

Oh, al.

It sets off the whole computer.

Okay, before I embark on our 78-month,

25-percent interest, easy-payment plan,

You think you could

Just turn the damn thing on.

Well, I don't know how.

Well, where's the instructions?

Well, I told the kids pick them up off the floor.

They didn't,

So to punish them, I threw them away.

Peg.

I'm going to say this simply,

So we both can understand.

Now, this computer cost me a fortune.

Now, I don't plan

To watch our money go down the drain

Like I did with the stove and the refrigerator

And our marriage certificate.

Now, as I slowly sink into bankruptcy,

I want to have a memory,

So I want you to do something,

Anything, with that computer.

[printing, beeping]

There. You happy, al?

Yeah. Couldn't be happier.

He doesn't mean it.

A wife knows.

I may as well face it.

I didn't marry a happy man.

Yes, you did, peg.

You just turned him into me.

He sells shoes, he's flat-broke,

And it's me that he's mad at.

Well, that's it.

I'm not spending any more money

On al's computer.

Let's go buy something for me.

I'll be right back.

I'm just going to get the kids' piggy banks.

Uh, marcie.

We've been living next door to each other

How long now?

Nine hundred and thirty-seven days.

Yeah, well, anyhow,

I just thought, you know, it's been a long time

Since I did something nice for you,

So how about this?

Buy this computer off me.

Get it the hell out of my house.

It's real nice.

It's got rams and bytes, and it's got a hat rack.

$2,500 worth of stuff sitting there.

Make me an offer.

Thirty dollars.

Thirty dollars.

I didn't say for my life, I said for the computer.

It's only a week old and it's never been touched.

Well, al, to be honest,

It's slow, it's underpowered,

It's obsolete.

Let's face it.

It's the you of computers.

Personally,

I wouldn't fertilize a farm with it.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

I don't know how much I can buy,

But we can sure park till we drop.

You know what this computer needs?

Another hat.

[marcie & peg laugh]

Al.

Al?

Leave me alone!

Okay, I'll just sit here

And run your electricity bill

Through the roof.

♪ dum-dee-dum ♪

That's about a quarter.

♪ doo-dee-doody-doo ♪

37 cents.

Whoa! Ho, that's a power surge.

That's a buck.

Felt good, though.

Aw, come on, al.

It's not just you.

Me and my kind

Are really of no use to a regular family.

I'm the pet rock of the '80s, buddy.

[chuckles]

Aw, come back, al.

I really can do great things.

Listen,

Why did the shoe salesman buy a computer?

Give up?

Because he's married to an idiot.

[laughs]

Al.

What are you doing?

Peggy?

Kids?!

What am I worried about?

No one's stupid enough

To break a $2500--

Now...

Let's talk about those slippers.

♪ dum-dee-dum-dee dum-dee-dum-dee-dum ♪

♪ dum-dee-dum-dee-dum ♪

[sighs]

Now...I am truly king.

[♪]