Original subtitles

[♪]

[door slams]

[gunshots, bugle playing "charge"]

[explosion]

Ow!

Hi, honey.

I just wanted to make sure you were still alive.

Sometimes it's hard to tell.

There's an easier way, peg.

Dead men don't wake up yelling, "no!"

Well, I just wanted to be sure.

You know, it would be just like you

To drop dead in front of this tv

The day before my big night out.

God, what a lump of sour milk my life is

That I'm actually looking forward

To a shoe convention.

Well, I'm not.

Just another place to remind me of my failures.

You know, work, home.

The bedroom.

You're always there for me when I'm down,

Aren't you, babe?

Oh, I'm nothing special.

Just a wife.

Mm. You claim.

Anyway, peg, I'm just not really looking forward

To speaking in front of all those people.

I mean, who started that tradition

That the man who makes the least

Has to introduce the man who makes the most?

Honey, you ought to be proud.

I mean, no one else

Has held that honor for seven years in a row.

Why, hissing and booing you

Actually seems to energize the whole convention.

Peg, do you get a special bonus or something

If I don't reach 50?

Gee, I'm not really sure.

I should check.

But, honey, I don't what you to ruin this convention for me.

It's my big night out.

I mean,

You have the glamour and excitement

Of the shoe store every single day.

But I am stuck here in this house,

Eating bonbons,

Watching that tv all day long.

You owe me.

Yeah, you're right.

I guess I really just never stop and think of you

On my gleeful journey to the mardi gras,

Which is my life at the shoe shop.

How can I repay you?

Well, honey, you can do for mommy

That thing that great big al

Does best for his itty-bitty wife.

Come on, honey.

Do it.

Take out the garbage.

You know, peg,

You could just put a straw in my ear,

And that way you could just suck the life directly from me.

You know, I would,

But there's just not enough room in there

For a straw and your finger.

Oh, I love you, too, my little "ice pick in the eye."

Guys, step back and take a good look at your future.

Boy, when I get married,

My wife's going to take the garbage out.

And you'll get to keep everything you earn too.

[laughs]

Anyhow, amigos,

My parents are going out tomorrow.

So, what's the plan for Saturday?

Amigo poker night, amigo blackjack,

Or amigo "egg the old people" night?

Uh...

Look, bud, we've been trying

To figure out a way to tell you this,

But we can't hang out with you tomorrow night.

We got dates.

Dates?

H-h-how'd you guys get dates?

Well, see, bud, you weren't there one day,

So instead of throwing rocks at girls,

We talked to them.

Bud, it was amazing.

They didn't run away or anything.

Yeah, so I guess we'll see you around school or something.

Come on, we'll still be amigos and all.

You'll just be the dateless amigo.

[al screams]

[crash]

What was that?

I don't know.

I guess my dad fell and hurt himself.

Listen...

Now, if you guys can get dates,

I can get a date, no problem.

Now that you guys are finally ready,

Studly bundy can put out the word.

Club bud is now open for business.

No id required.

Hey, yeah, your folks are gonna be gone.

We can have a really cool make-out party.

All right!

Amigo salute.

Ow.

We gotta get a new salute.

Yeah.

See you guys later.

Peg,

Come downstairs, quick!

Bud, get over here.

Family,

I just fell in the garbage and had a great idea.

Oh, al.

You're going to study really hard,

And take the test for garbage man.

Why to go, dad! You'll pass this time.

Oh, we're going to be rich,

We're going to be rich!

Oh, shut up.

I'm not going to be a garbage man.

But I did have a great idea for an invention,

And it's gonna make us so much money

That people are going to have to like us.

[laughs]

Now, I'm not going to tell you about it right now,

But I'm going to go down to the basement,

And I'm going to work on my invention.

Al: Whoa!

[thud]

Al: Who am I?

Where am I?

Oh, that's right, I'm al bundy.

Oh, no. Damn!

Hello, mrs. Yarnell.

Is the lovely yetta at home?

Hey, babe.

This is bud bundy.

You might remember me

As the guy in the cafeteria with straws up my nose.

Anyway, I was just thumbing through my phone book,

Starting with the y's, of course,

And good news, I'm free tonight--

Hello?

Hello? [doorbell rings]

Al said he had some great news,

And I've got a $70 bottle of champagne,

And a $10 bottle of wine.

Are you moving away?

No.

Alrighty.

Are you going on a very extended vacation?

No.

Alrighty.

Well, if the news is good enough,

I still have a chiclet in my pocket

We could divvy up.

Now, steve,

Peggy may think we don't like them.

Is al going to prison?

Well, I'm sure at some point.

But right now,

He's down in the basement making an invention.

Al: Peg, are they here?

No! No!

Yes, they are, al.

Al: Well, sit them down and shut them up.

Here we come.

Kelly: Daddy, I'm dying.

It's hot under here. I can't breathe.

Then you shouldn't be speaking.

Stay here.

Family,

Honored guests...

[gasping]

Kelly, we're not going on until you stop choking.

[coughing & retching]

That's better.

Now, where was I?

Ah.

Let me take you back to yesterday.

There I was, taking out the garbage as usual,

When I tripped, fell,

And my head landed in the trash.

Normally, I just hang out there

With my hopes and dreams for a while,

But not this time.

This time, a thought hit me.

How can we, as a people, avoid this?

Put a light bulb outside?

Well, I suppose that would work, too.

What happens if we don't have no light bulbs?

Get a flashlight?

Well, it's obvious that you're not going to guess,

So I'll have to show you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Let me introduce you to...

The wave of the future...

The bundy shoe lights!

Help me.

Well, folks, what do you think?

Let's hold the applause till the end.

Now, I'll just turn kelly on.

Then won't you be needing some candy and $5?

No, bud, we won't.

Now, let me just hook her up here.

Oh, steve, is the plus the positive or the negative?

Oh, that's all right. We'll find out soon enough.

Now, kelly...

[click]

Walk.

[crashing]

Al: What was that?

Kelly: I don't know.

I can't see anything but the floor

In these stupid shoes.

Peggy: I think it was our lamp, al.

Al: Who cares? It's working!

It's working!

She's walking in the dark.

It worked! It worked!

I'm going to be somebody after all.

[laughs]

Thanks, mom.

Was there no one else you could marry?

Yeah. Like I could have really seen this coming.

Ha, ha. Shut up, peg.

Well, what do you think of my little invention?

Oh, god.

This is really it.

This is all he's going to be.

This is all he's going to have.

And I'm going to have it with him.

Son?

It's "bud" to you, dad.

Is it "bud" to you too, steve?

No, al.

I believe you got to have faith in your vision.

I had a dream of my own once,

An idea whose time had truly come.

Oh, god, steve, don't tell everyone

About your insane quest to create a 99-cent coin.

Al...

I invented the 99-cent coin.

Have you ever noticed how things cost...

$7.99?

Fourteen dollars and 99 cents?

Ninety-nine dollars and 99 cents?

Well, my coin would eliminate the messy change

That only catches the attention

Of those obnoxious beggars who hassle you

On your way to your mercedes.

Think of it, al.

Anything you want.

You just plunk down old number 99.

It's a plan without flaws.

What about tax?

You sound just like those fools in the treasury department.

Well, dear, maybe if you didn't insist

On putting your picture on the coin.

Who should it have been, yours?

The important thing is, al,

You gotta see your dream through, buddy.

All they can do is laugh at you.

And audit you for five straight years.

Now, come on, honey,

Let's go home.

Mommy will make you some of that nice cocoa

That makes you all warm and sleepy

For two or three days.

Yes. I believe I'd like some nice cocoa

With the little marshmallows.

Oh, wait a second. It's dark out.

Kelly, show them the way.

Kelly, I heard a noise.

Go see if it's a burglar.

Kelly, I don't know if this green meat is any good.

Taste it.

Kelly, I need someone

To look like a moron and wear shoe lights.

No wonder I seek the shelter of a stranger's arms.

Oh, kelly, hurry up home

Because we're going to need you to start the car.

Peg, I don't care what anybody says.

I'm holding onto my dream to the bitter end.

Oh. Now I really am depressed.

I thought this was the bitter end.

Come on, babe, I'm going to make you a millionaire.

Why, at this shoe convention tonight,

I'm going to show the world who the real idiot is.

Bundy cheer.

Whoa, bundy!

Nobody whoa'd.

That's okay. That's fine,

But when those millions start rolling in,

I'm going to be the one at burger king,

Sucking down the whoppers at my own private table.

You'll wish you'd whoa'd then.

Peg, I got to get dressed.

Come on, I got to look great tonight.

All right, honey. Let's go to the closet,

And get the suit your father was buried in.

Kel, I've got a problem.

I need a date for tonight, bad.

So how about setting me up with some of your friends?

You know, the tramp squad.

Bud, look at yourself.

Face the ugly truth.

They don't have woods deep enough

To grow the kind of girls who'd be willing to date you.

I mean, maybe you're aiming too high.

You know, a live girl.

See, your problem is you've got caviar taste

And a pizza face.

Aim a little lower.

Hey, logs can't run away.

Well, then, there's the dead.

I mean, one who's been dead long enough

Might even think that you're a good catch.

Hey, I know.

How about a nice department-store mannequin?

I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.

Thanks for the help, bleached-blanket bimbo.

They may call me bimbo,

But at least they call me.

Well, I'll tell you this: I'll get a date, a real one.

Mannequin.

The day I stoop low enough to date a mannequin

Is the day I truly earn the name...

Bundy.

Yeah, I know.

Pretty low, huh?

Okay, watch me hit rock bottom.

Well, now for the finishing touch,

A little love bite from my woman.

[whirring]

Ow!

Ooh.

[doorbell rings]

Well, here we go.

[slow, romantic music playing over stereo]

Hey. Hey, guys.

What's up?

Whoa, bud.

What?

Couldn't you wait for us?

I could.

My babe couldn't.

Al: Good evening, fellow shoe men.

You all know me.

[booing & hissing]

Man: Sit down, bundy. Man 2: Go home, you stink!

Al: Yeah, I love you, too.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, the unveiling of bundy...

A man and his shoe lights.

Kelly, don't step in the coin fountain!

[electricity crackling]

Kelly: Help! Help!

Al: It's just a little fire, folks. Don't panic!

[people clamoring]

Al: Shoe lights!

Get your shoe lights!

Fire sale!

[sobs] oh, god!

[romantic music still playing]

Oh, monique.

[effeminately] oh, bud.

Gee, you know, I never really noticed before,

But bud's kind of cute.

I know.

I think I've seen monique before.

Wow, she's hot.

You know, I almost bought that same dress.

I saw it in a store window.

Anyway, I wish bud would ask me out.

Look at bud the stud.

Hey, girls, come on back. It's safe.

It's just a trick I did with my armpit.

Wow. Bud got a real woman,

And all we got is dead wood.

Boy: You know,

That girl with bud was checking me out.

Boy 2: Yeah, right, a girl like that.

Uh, well, guys, I guess you're on your own.

Monique wants to go upstairs.

Later, gators.

Girl: Why can't guys be like bud?

Girl 2: Let's face it, we're with boys.

Bud is a man.

He knows how to treat a lady.

So you want a date, huh?

Gee, I don't know.

I'm booked through June.

Maybe I could squeeze you in... Say, tomorrow?

Ciao, baby.

All right, the shoe lights didn't work.

But when I stepped in that mess in the yard,

I got another great idea.

"shoeper-scoopers."

We'll have kelly follow some people with dogs,

And we'll be rolling in it.

Wipe your feet and shut up.

Come on in here, kelly.

You're letting all the heat out of the house.

I will not...

Wear shoeper-scoopers.

[zap] ow!

[zap]

Aw, that's the electrocution talking.

That's not my little girl.

Well, my night was hell.

I was a roman candle.

How was yours?

[zap]

Not bad.

She was a little stiff at first, but, uh...

She loosened up.

[♪]