Original subtitles

[♪]

Man [on tv]: ...Where glamour meets dame fortune.

Here we are

At "the luckiest man on earth" party,

And look, isn't that joe piscopo at poolside.

Al, have you seen my ashtray?

Oh, there it is.

Yeah, I thought the beer tasted like your hamburgers.

It's an old family recipe.

Of course, mom's was a little different.

She chewed tobacco.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember her lemonade.

Mom, dad, I love you.

Ah, jesus.

No. I already took some. Thanks.

No, I just wanted to remind you

That tomorrow's the big day,

So thanks for letting me have my pajama party.

Oh, no, you're not having a pajama party.

I'm still getting flashbacks from your last one you had.

Daddy, I was 8.

But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.

Mommy, thanks for letting me

Have my pajama party.

You're welcome.

Oh, no, I'm not going to sit here

And let you two make my decisions for me.

That's how we had bud.

Well, dad, if you remember,

I was first one to say, "let's throw him back."

Now, you promised

That I could have another pajama party.

It's right here in black and white.

You signed it when I was 8.

"absolutely no parties involving pajamas, music,

"or shaving daddy's head while he sleeps,

"until you're 16.

Signed, your father, god help me, al bundy."

You can't hold me to that. I thought I'd be dead by now.

Well, the joke's on you, dad.

No. Actually, the joke's on me.

But not very often.

Hey, kel.

Word through the peephole in the girls' shower room

Is that you're having a pajama party.

Is this true?

Girls, here? In pajamas?

Bud, please,

Your pimple is squirting me.

Mom, please, it's girls only.

Can't you send him somewhere,

Like steve and marcy's,

The zoo, the feed tank at marineland?

Bud, while kelly's having her party,

You will stay in your room,

And you're only allowed out for dinner,

Which means you'll be in your room.

[sighs]

Oh, come on, bud.

Just pretend that it's a normal Saturday night.

Turn the lights down low,

Put on some soft music,

And dial 1-800-no-date.

No, kel.

If it was a normal Saturday night,

I'd be busy selling low numbers

To the guys outside your window.

Eat toe rot.

Lick road kill.

You know, I'm getting hungry.

Thanks, mom.

Oh, by the way, on party night,

I want you two in your room by 7:00,

And no coming out during the party.

If my friends knew what you look like, I'd die.

You know, peg, this is my house.

I pay for it, I live in it,

I like to think I can roam around it

Like any other desperate caged animal.

What am I supposed to do

Locked in a room with you all night?

Well, I too have a promissory note

You signed when kelly was 8.

It's for sex, al.

Oh, no. Is it 1989 already?

Yes, and I believe it's the year of the snake.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, please let this be a bullet with my name on it.

Never anything I want.

We love you guys.

Yeah, caught between a rock and a horny place.

What do you want?

We just wanted to say how we felt.

Oh, and to ask if you would watch our house for us

While we're in new york.

Peggy, steve's taking me to the theater,

Then we're going to check into this little hotel we know.

It's not really little, it's 200 a night.

How come you never take me to a hotel, al?

Because you'd just find your way home.

Look, we stopped the mail,

Canceled the newspaper,

Put all the plants in the bathtub.

All you have to do

Is let the plumber in to fix the sink.

Steve, now that I hear myself say it,

I'm not sure they can do it.

Marcy, it's so easy, a chimp could do it.

Unfortunately, we couldn't find a chimp,

So we lower our standards and go with these two.

Here you go.

Oh, and if a chimp comes by,

Tell him we couldn't wait any longer.

Al: Have a nice time.

Enjoy the show.

Have a safe trip. Don't worry about a thing.

They're gone.

I got the key. Let's loot their house.

You know, peg, you can learn a lot about people

Going through their safe.

I wonder if steve knows

That the house is only in marcy's name.

And I wonder if marcy knows

That steve's mother is the beneficiary

To his life insurance.

You know, peg, we may not have much,

But at least we don't keep secrets from one another.

You said it, al.

Come on, kel.

I cleaned your whole room, I alphabetized all your albums.

I even put an "over one million served" sign

On the wall by your bed.

Now can I stay for your party, please?

No, pus bomb, you can't.

Come on, kel, I'm not going to touch anything.

I want to, you know, say hello,

Ask how it's going,

Watch their moist, nubile young bodies--

Mom, can't the vet neuter him?

Or put him to sleep, or something?

Bud, you will stay in your room.

Ha.

Spell it.

Gee, al, they grow up so fast.

Yeah, kelly's a young woman,

Bud's a peeping tom.

Where does the time go?

Daddy, we don't have any food.

My underwear has no elastic.

Take it up with June cleaver here.

So who died and made me mom?

I'm sorry. I'm being selfish, aren't I, June?

Well, I'm going shopping,

So if I don't come back in four days,

Eat without me,

And if I do come back, call the doctor,

Because obviously, I don't know who I am.

Oh, could you pick me up some panty hose?

Nude toes, sheer to the tummy,

And, uh, some tampons?

I'm dead. Why don't I fall down?

If you're a kidnapper, don't forget

The little male child upstairs.

Have a nice day.

Excuse me, ma'am,

But I'm looking for a steve's roadhouse.

Ah, it's next door.

Here are the keys.

Oh, and if you get thirsty,

There's some good wine

Under a false tile in the bathroom.

Oh, like I wouldn't have found it myself?

[both laugh]

Work, work, work.

You know, mom, the house is kind of dirty for my party.

Do you think dad will have time to clean it?

It's daddy's day off.

Of course he will.

[both laugh, sigh]

Man [on tv]: Coming up on woman world,

Men: Herd 'em up, kill 'em all.

How you doing, peg?

You know, we're gonna have to get you a little motor

For that couch.

Then you can, you know,

Putter around the living room during commercials.

You know, I do plenty around here.

Who do you think

Put that bull's eye on the toilet for you?

So I let the plumber in over at steve and marcy's.

Oh, they'll be so happy.

By the way, did you know their house is gone?

What do you mean, gone?

Gone.

Like my hopes, my dreams, my future.

Oh, gone.

It can't be gone.

Al...

Steve and marcy's house is gone.

Nothing gets by you, does it, peg?

Except a house.

Have a nice party, honey.

We'll be at grandma's for a week or so.

Oh, when steve and marcy get back,

They'll probably gonna want to know

Where their house is,

But if they don't bring it up, you don't bring it up.

And, remember,

No boys at the party.

God, you make one mistake when you're 8 years old,

And they never let you forget it.

Peg, I don't want to go to your mother's.

I see how she looks at me,

Like I was between two pieces of bread.

We all know what happened to her dog.

They never proved that.

[car pulls up]

It's steve and marcy.

They're home early.

Oh, I just know they're gonna be in a foul mood.

I hope they're not gonna come over here.

Well, what are they doing?

Well, they're looking at their hole.

Now they're looking at our house.

Now their hole.

Now our house.

Yep. I knew it.

Here they come.

I just know they're going to blame us.

[doorbell rings]

Who is it?

Steve: Open up in there!

Oh, hey, steve,

I'd love to talk to you,

But I know you're all tired out from your trip and all,

So why don't you just turn in,

And we'll chat tomorrow?

Nighty-night.

[pounding on door]

Who is it?

[pounding on door]

Hey, steve. Now, that's rude.

A man's home is his castle.

Well, mine is a moat, al.

What did you do with our house?

Well, now, relax. Just relax.

Tell us about your trip first.

You want to hear about our trip?

Okay, I'll tell you about our trip.

First, they lost our luggage,

Then our hotel reservations.

The play we wanted to see stunk,

And I didn't get any sleep.

Why? Because all the good heating grates were taken.

So we came home.

You have anything to tell us?

Well, kelly's having a party,

Bud's doing well in school--

Where's our house, al?

It's a chicken restaurant in waukegan.

You didn't think I knew, did you?

See, this is really so funny.

See, this guy came over,

And asked for steve's roadhouse.

Well, I thought he said steve rhoades' house.

And then one thing led to another,

And your house was gone.

Oh, look. Marcy's coming to.

Oh, I had this awful dream.

I dreamt I was dorothy in the wizard of oz.

Peggy, you were the good witch.

Al, you were looking for a brain.

And, steve,

You were don johnson, naked.

Then a train went through a tunnel,

And our house was gone.

Oh.

I'm feeling better now.

Did you remember to let the plumber in?

Well, peggy gave me this tacky peignoir.

Did al give you a t-shirt to sleep in?

Steve, we're homeless.

Oh, not really, marcy.

We've got our vcr,

Our blankets,

And everything else they could strap to their backs

And haul over here.

So except for our actual house,

We're as close to home as you can be.

Well, I'm happy as long as I have you.

Yeah, right.

Good night, honey.

[doorbell rings]

They're here!

They're here!

Who's here, and why?

[loud chattering]

Guess who's pregnant?

Julie, she's such a slut.

Oh, she's such a jerk!

Can you believe it? I can't even imagine--

Gee, kel, who are the old people?

Is this your mom and dad?

Oh, god, no.

No, these are just the neighbors.

They live in the empty lot next door.

They look dirty.

Girls: Ew!

[snoring]

Who do you think you're fooling?

I just saw you get into bed.

Let's go, al.

Aw, peg, I feel uncomfortable fooling around

With other people in the house.

You know, steve and marcy, the kids, you.

Shut up and pleasure me.

Hey, steve and marcy!

How you doing?

Look, peg. It's steve and marcy.

Don't you guys have a home?

Hey, what's going on?

Your daughter

Threw us out of the living room.

We needed a place to sleep,

So we came here.

They couldn't have waited a minute longer?

It would have been all over

Except promises

Of a better performance next time.

Don't pay any attention to her.

I'm glad you kids are here.

Stay as long as you want.

Thanks, al.

We're suing you, you know.

Fine.

Take it all. I've had too much for too long.

Let's just all go to sleep

So this day of a thousand deaths can end.

[contented sigh] [contented sigh]

[music blares]

This is horrible.

I just can't take it anymore.

Don't worry, marcy.

We'll get our house back tomorrow.

It's not that.

I smell al's feet.

Can you believe charlene?

What a loser.

God, I hate her.

She's so phony.

And a boring slob.

She couldn't turn a boy on with a switch.

I know.

She's so gross.

Oh, hi, charlene.

You look great.

You know, we were just saying

That you must have to beat the boys off with a stick.

My turn.

God, I hate her.

She is so annoying.

[all talking]

Good evening, ladies.

Just a little reminder.

When you get tired of the endless drone

Of girlish chatter,

Step up to pleasure.

Step up to "club bud."

Get out of here, you little she-male.

No, that's okay, let him stay.

I think he's cute.

You and the rest of the world, babe.

Oh, bud, you drive me crazy.

Let me give you something special.

Close your eyes.

Pucker up, baby.

Come on, baby. Give me all you got.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

Very funny.

It's another fine example of bimbo wit.

I'm done. Finished. I'm going upstairs.

Oh, bud, before you go,

Can you say, "I'm drinking milk,

And one day, I'm gonna be big and strong"?

Tee-hee, kel.

Oh, by the way, I almost forgot.

There were a few messages for you.

Let me see.

Oh. Dan peterson called.

He said tomorrow night

Behind the 7-eleven would be fine.

Uh, bud, I don't think

That anybody wants to hear this.

Dan peterson. That's my boyfriend.

Oh, is he?

Gee, kelly thinks he's hers.

Oh, well.

Let's see.

Um, greg barnett called too.

You have a date with him Tuesday.

Oh, "and wear something tight."

Wait a minute.

I'm dating greg.

Uh-oh.

Well.

Let's see.

Whose boyfriend is bobby brocatto?

Mine. Mine.

Well. You guys have a lot to talk about.

Good night.

You're seeing my greg?

And dan?

Well, I wasn't going to keep them.

Sow.

Trollop.

Tramp.

Slut.

Bundy.

What do you think you're doing?

It's your fault!

[all shouting]

Yum, yum, give me some.

How can he get that smell with only 10 toes?

Go to sleep, marcy.

I can't. I'm too upset.

I miss our little house.

I know,

But we'll get it back, angel cups.

You haven't called me angel cups

In a long time, sugar tush.

Remember what I said

When we didn't think we could afford a house?

We need no home.

Our love is shelter enough against any storm.

Man, thy name is steve.

And, love, thy name is marcy.

The warmth of your arms is my hearth.

And your strong arms are my support beams.

And your lips are my doorways to heaven.

And your blue eyes are the windows to my world.

And your hair--

Where are you guys going?

We're going to sleep in the hole, bud.

Good night, kids.

Oh, kelly.

Huh?

Honey, remember, no boys.

Okay, mom.

Good girl.

Oh, al, it's raining.

Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open.

Maybe I'll drown.

[♪]