Original subtitles

[♪]

[door slams]

Kids!

Let's prove to your mom once and for all

That you don't need food to eat good!

And what'd you find for the bundy snack tray?

Three m&ms, a crouton,

And this.

I found it in the cuff of my pants.

Well, cut the tail off and throw it in the pot.

Kelly, how were the pickings in the basement?

Um, I got a half-eaten piece of cheese

From the mousetrap.

Too bad we couldn't get the mouse.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah. I got a half a dozen

Of these large raisins

That were scattered by the trap.

Well, let's save these babies for christmas.

We'll put them in grandma's fruitcake.

Now, we'll combine the rest of this stuff

With the froot loops that I fought the dog over,

And we'll have ourselves

Some nice little yummy bundy trail mix.

Well, I don't know, dad.

I like the way mom makes the stuff.

Well, so do I, bud, but...

We're out of cough syrup.

All right, let's go, everybody sit down.

Your mom should be home any minute with the tapes,

And then, it's "bundy night at the movies."

After that,

It's "bundy night in the bathroom."

We never get to rent any good movies.

You know why?

Because we are the last family on earth with beta.

Yeah, dad.

Why can't we get a vhs machine?

I mean, we're missing a lot of good movies.

I heard they made a second godfather.

Hey,

If it was any good,

It would have been on beta.

Come on, kids.

We're gonna watch a movie,

We've got munchies, and we've got each other.

What more could we ask for?

Hope.

Food. Pride.

Heat. An alias.

Underwear.

Yeah. An annulment.

All right, so our life stinks.

At least we're going to have movies.

I sent your mother

To bob's betas and bell bottoms in milwaukee.

How come mom can cross state lines, and I can't?

Because your mom didn't go

In a van with a bumper sticker that read,

"don't come a-knockin' if you see this van a-rockin'."

That could be taken a lot of different ways.

Mm-hmm.

And so can you.

Al: Well, it's about time.

What do we have,

The predator, the terminator?

Oh, heavenly dog!?

Peg, I wanted schwarzenegger.

So did I,

But I got you, and you got beta.

Al, I am really upset with your wife.

Kill her.

Anyhow, I'm getting off I-94,

Listening to toscanini

Blend precisely with the sound

Of my fine german automotive machinery,

When a reckless driver cut me off.

Well, live and let live, I say,

But when I pull up next to him at the light,

Your wife leans over and gives him the finger.

[cheering]

All right, mom, way to go!

I would've done the same thing.

Uh, excuse me,

But before the neanderthal jamboree

Really kicks in...

I might mention that the guy

Had a bumper sticker that said "I heart san quentin."

Did you spit on the hood?

Well, I spit in that direction,

But steve's window was up.

Yeah, yeah, enjoy, enjoy, but I'm the guy he followed.

God, I hope I lost him.

Well, of course I lost him

With those defensive driving moves I made.

You see, a fine automobile

In the hands of a man with catlike reflexes--

Hey, there is a guy stopping here.

Oh, my god, it could be him!

Look at the size of him.

He looks like acid must've been thrown in his face.

This guy's fresh out of the asylum!

[car horn honks]

Oh, that's my date.

Bye.

Have a good time, honey.

Thanks.

Hey, here's another car.

He's slowing down. Now he's coming...

That's him.

There's the "I heart san quentin" bumper sticker.

He wrote down my license plate number.

He's pulling away.

Hey, you!

Yeah, you found us.

So, what are you going to do about it?

Come on, you nose rag.

Anytime.

You know, every now and then, she makes me so proud.

Gee, mr. Rhoades, you seem scared.

Oh, I'm not scared, really.

I mean, you know me,

I'm not a man who runs from trouble.

Trouble troubles me, I trouble trouble.

[doorbell rings]

It's trouble.

Steve?

What's going on?

I just got back from the video store,

And I noticed

Your car smelled like chicken,

But when I looked closer,

I found six pigeons roasting on your radiator.

I told you not to drive through the park.

Oh, now life means something to you.

Hot pigeons, you say?

Bud?

I'm way ahead of you, dad.

Steve, are you okay? You look pale.

Oh, my god. You didn't eat here, did you?

No, I couldn't decide which color wine goes with slop.

Believe me, marcie, I'm fine.

Hey. Tapes.

Look, the predator, dirty harry,

Judy's huge date?

Those are private tapes, al.

Well, why can't we get tapes like these, peg?

They're vhs, al.

Well, of course they're vhs.

Only an idiot would own beta.

Or someone who believes

A woman's orgasm is brought on

By yelling, "c'mon, will ya?"

What happened to your date?

He wanted to study,

So I just had to tell him I am not that kind of girl.

Hey, guys! The colonel's here!

Oh, steve, let's go home.

If they don't have a virgin to sacrifice,

They may turn on us.

Uh, listen, marcie.

I've been thinking.

We don't have the bundys over at our house nearly enough.

That's your rule, steve.

Remember the speech that began, quote,

"I'd watch a colorized version of casablanca

Before I'd let those--" yeah, I know, I know.

Um... But I just think it would be a nice gesture

For us to share our vhs format

With our neighbors and good friends, the bundys.

What do you say, guys?

Well, pigeon is better the second day.

Let's go!

What's this all about, steve?

Nothing, I just want

To spend an evening or two with good friends.

Hey, kel, some guy's going

To beat the tar out of mr. Rhoades.

Oh, cool.

And then there's that.

[tires screech]

[explosion]

Ah, peg, this is just like being in a real theater.

Yeah, but here, bud isn't on the floor

Trying to look up girls' dresses.

Shh.

You know, marcie, that jerk just cut me off.

Didn't even look, just cut me off.

You know, if he had just

Gotten out of his car when it had happened,

He and I could have settled it mano a mano.

You're more of a man

For having walked away, steve.

Oh, yeah.

Twice the man of this wimp eastwood here.

[gunshot, grunt]

Well, clint said he didn't want mayonnaise.

I just can't get that jerk off my mind.

Oh, I just wish I had a second chance.

I tell you, I'd do things

A little differently in my present state of mind.

Shh.

Sorry.

I know you would, steve,

But you chose not to unleash your fury,

And I admire you for it.

Uh-oh. They refused clint's credit card.

[gunshot]

Don't leave home without it.

[telephone rings]

Hey, we're trying to watch a movie here.

Will somebody get that?

Hello.

Yes. This is the rhoades residence.

Yes. That's the correct address.

Steve, it's for you.

[deep voice] hello.

[normally] hello.

He hung up.

He knows where I live.

To hell with him.

If he's stupid enough to come over here,

Then he deserves what you're going to do to him.

Unleash your fury, steve.

Give him a right, a left!

Break his face!

Punch him in the kidney!

Make him puke blood!

Oh, how I love you!

Marcie: Look at him.

He's like a caged tiger.

Steve: If I say I'm gonna take out the garbage,

I can tunnel out under the fence,

Go to the bus station,

Grab me a handful of greyhound,

And get hell out of dodge.

See, I told you, al.

If you have one of these vhs machines,

You can get any movie you want.

Yeah. It's heaven, peg.

Hand me rip out their entrails iii.

Yep, we have the best of both worlds now, peg.

Beta at home, vhs here,

And a refrigerator with food in it.

Take a look around, peg.

It's like the second home we always dreamed of.

Oh.

Hey, can I make

A long-distance phone call?

Sure.

I'm gonna go get us some more food.

Oh, peg, don't turn on the tape yet.

I got to go to the can.

Oh, no! There go our pipes.

I'll get the goldfish out

Before it's too late.

Get our toothbrushes too!

Should we really be worried?

Yes. But I'd leave the goldfish in there.

It's a good way to test the air before you attempt re-entry.

We used to use parakeets,

But then they learned how to talk,

And started screaming for help.

Uh...I meant should I be worried

About the man who's stalking my husband?

Not if you leave the bathroom door open.

Well, you know,

The man must have no social conscience

If he cut someone off like that.

What is society coming to?

Are we all barbarians?

I'll tell you, if I had my way,

I'd have them round up every one of those inconsiderate savages,

Bury them up to their necks,

And run them over with a grain reaper.

You know, I feel the same way

About that pippi longstocking girl.

God, I hate her!

[telephone rings]

Hello.

Hello?

Okay, mr. Silent thug, if you won't speak, I will.

We are a peace-loving people here,

And you are obviously not college educated.

Now, I want you

To leave my husband alone,

And if you cannot control your wanton hostility,

I have a list of some very qualified therapists

That I think may--

Let me handle this.

Listen, worm food!

You want to take care of this, come on over.

You've got the address.

You spineless gob of spit!

You gutless, yellow piece of--

He hung up.

How rude.

He must be on his way over.

Well, I got him out in time,

But he won't come out of his castle.

[humming]

Boy, did I work up an appetite.

I could eat a horse,

But since I'm not home, I won't have to.

Steve, the maniac called.

Peggy dared him to come over,

And I'm afraid you're just gonna

Have to give him a sound drubbing!

Bring mommy his ears, baby.

I'll wear them for a necklace.

Is there a puppy in here? I thought I heard a whimper.

Maybe it's kong over there.

Look, guys.

I may seem a trifle nervous,

But let me tell you why.

You see,

I used to fight...A lot.

I have to admit,

I was pretty handy with my dukes too,

And I fought for the right,

But then, when I was 10...

This guy and I got into it.

We were rockin'.

I had a short fuse back then, like now.

I thrashed him within an inch of his 8-year-old life.

Didn't like the feeling.

Right then,

I vowed I would never use my hands in anger again.

That day, I went home and hung up my fists for good.

Oh, steve,

I never knew this.

It's not the kind of thing I'm proud of, marcie.

Then you must stand by your vow.

Do not fight this maniac.

It's just that I want him so bad!

You're so brave.

No, marcie.

I'm just a man.

Al, can I talk to you for a second?

Al, I was never in a fight.

I ran home. I cried to my mother.

This kid licked me like a dog.

He hung up my fists. I was in them at the time.

What am I going to do, al? I'm scared.

If a second grader hurt me,

What's a guy from san quentin going to do to me?

Steve, let me tell a little story.

Is it about what you did upstairs?

No. You'll learn about that soon enough.

No, this is a story about fear.

See, I know you look at me, you see my wife and kids,

You say to yourself,

"there's a man that's not afraid of anything."

It's not true, steve.

I was afraid once.

When I was just a kid, there was this beast.

It was the scariest thing you've ever seen.

We both wanted peg,

Which shows that love is not only blind,

It's stupid.

Every time peg and I went out, it was there.

Every time I saw it, I'd run like hell,

But I knew that one day

We'd have to settle this thing once and for all.

So one day, I get sick of running.

So one day in the schoolyard, we went at it.

It was long and brutal.

I can't say that I won, and I can't say that I lost.

Well, I definitely can't say that I won,

But after that day,

I was never afraid again.

Because I stood up

To the meanest, biggest, toughest man I'd ever seen.

Steve,

That man was peg's mother.

[whistles]

Yeah, you can say that again, pal.

So, steve, I don't care how long that guy was in san quentin.

There's no way he'll be as mean and as tough

As the product of 150 years of inbreeding.

Well, I don't want to fight, al.

I got theater tickets for tomorrow night.

Have you ever tried to yell "bravo"

With a lip the size of a basketball?

Okay, well, how about this? Screw a fair fight.

Here's what you do.

The guy's gonna knock on the door.

Open the door real quick,

Don't give him a chance to think,

And sucker-punch him in the breadbasket.

He'll drop like an ox.

That's what I should have done to peg's mother,

But she horned me first.

Oh, uh, I don't know, al.

He's here.

I was calling every country in the world,

You know, to track down that rock group, guns n' roses,

And I saw this car pull up

With an "I heart san quentin" bumper sticker.

Bud, honey, come on out!

The fight's about to start!

Who are we rooting for?

Steve, I just want you to know,

I won't think any less of you

If you don't answer the door.

[knocks on door]

Breadbasket, steve.

[knocks on door]

[thwack, thud]

Uh-oh.

Well, he's down.

You wanna give me a hand here, al?

Al: This him?

Steve: Yep.

By the way,

His breadbasket isn't quite where I pictured it.

He's got a tough little forehead, though.

Mr. Williams, are you all right?

Well, I guess I'm going to live.

Would somebody give me back my wallet now?

I don't know why I came over here.

I had a feeling you might be an animal.

Not an animal, really.

Just a man who will fight

To protect the rule

Of one car length

For every 10 miles per hour of speed.

Well, I guess I should say what I came over here to say.

I'm sorry I cut you off.

I'm sorry you had to see the ugly side of me,

But when challenge challenged me,

I challenged challenge.

Yeah. Right.

By the way,

Why were you in san quentin?

I torched a mercedes.

They say I'm almost cured.

Hey...

And you've got a nice one.

Well, it's only a car,

But the memory of that punch will last me a lifetime.

Oh, you were so brave, steve.

[stifled laughter]

Ignore them.

I think you proved your courage once and for all

By beating up that...Little man.

Yeah, just think what you could do

To a second-grader now.

Let them scoff.

I saw the glimmer of the sweat as it glistened on your brow,

The bulging of your muscle

As it strained against your sleeve,

The clenching of your buttocks

As you leapt into the fray.

Take me, big man. Take me.

By the way, get out.

Kids, you know what we gotta do.

[♪]