All language subtitles for Married with Children S03E11 NTSC DVD DD2.0 x264-Hype_track3_[eng]

[♪]

[door slams]

Announcer [over tv]:
And coming up
tomorrow on oprah,

Sugar coma:

Is it killing
productivity in the home?

Aw, peg, are you
all worn down

From cooking and
scrubbing and cleaning?

Making this house
the palace that it is?

You know,
you're amazing.

I just can't
get over you.

How do you do it?

Honey, you always wanted
to go to europe.

What do you say
I put you in a box

And ship you overseas?

Come on, my little
death certificate,

What do you say?

Oh, mom, I had
the most horrible dream.

I was married
to a shoe salesman,

And we lived...

[screams]

It's true!

Oh.

Hi, honey.

I was just
dreaming about you.

Were you in it, or was
I having a good time?

Ah, kids, I hardly
ever say this,

But it's good
to see you.

I got something
I gotta tell you.

Oh, please.

This isn't going to be
another one of those

"there's only enough food
for three" lectures, is it?

No, it's not that.

I want everybody to know

That they have
a security guard

Patrolling the wishing well
around the mall,

So money will be a little
tight for a while.

Until old dad

Learns how to jimmy
those pay phones.

Everybody understand?

Well, good, good.
That's good.

Bud,
take your jacket.

I don't have one.

What do you mean
you don't have one?

I just bought you one
last week.

I guess
I left it somewhere.

You don't
leave a jacket.

You leave your hopes,
your dreams,

If you're lucky,
your family,

But you gotta take care
of your jacket.

Al, just get him
another jacket.

Well, excuse me,

Miss why-don't-I-
get-a-w-2-form?

Now, kids, sit down.

How are you ever going
to learn responsibility?

Do you know what
I had to do as a kid

To earn money
to get a jacket?

I had to shovel coal,
carry ice,

Dig ditches, pump gas--

♪ nobody knows ♪

♪ the trouble
he's seen ♪

♪ nobody knows his sorrow ♪

Thank you very much,
bundy glee club.

Oh, and by the way,
peg, way to parent.

How much
is a jacket?

Sixty dollars.
Sixty dollars.

You know how much a jacket was
when I was a kid?

♪ nobody knows
the trouble he's seen ♪

Okay, okay, okay.
Here you go.

Enjoy.

Oh, and peg,
don't bother chipping in,

Because you do so much
around here already.

Right now, just try
to keep the couch

From hitting the ceiling.

Thanks, dad.

Yeah, right.
Hey, listen.

Next time,
don't lose that--

Ah, who cares?

You know, it's amazing.
Kelly's the good one now.

She comes home with new clothes,
but she never asks for money.

Thank you, princess,
for taking care of your stuff.

Oh, mom,
I need a favor.

Oh, anything, honey.

As long as
I don't have to get up.

No, tomorrow's mother-daughter
career day at school,

And some of the moms

Are gonna talk
about what they do,

So I volunteered you
for refreshments,

And I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.

Eight hundred cookies
by tomorrow?

Why didn't you
tell me before?

Hey, they only told me
about it two weeks ago.

Eight hundred cookies.

Let's see.

Eighty cents a cookie...

Al, I need
a thousand dollars.

A thousand dollars?
That's no problem.

You got change
for a million?

Come on, al.

I need money.

I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.

What am I gonna do?

Mm, cookies.
Dilemma, dilemma.

Well, let's see how others
may have handled this.

I remember reading
one time,

I believe it was
the enquirer,

Yes,
I recall the headline.

"woman bakes cookies,
odd but true."

Was that
the same issue

Where a man
had sex with his wife?

Yeah, if you read
real careful,

I believe it was the woman
who baked the cookies.

[sobbing]

Miss, have you
seen my mom?

It's me, bud.

But you're...

You're...

Cooking.

[sobs]

Yes, bud.

But it's not
for us, right?

Oh, no.
I wouldn't do that.

Good.

Can I have
some money?

You know where
we keep it.

Right, mom.

Hi, dad.

Would it help everybody
if I just slept like this?

It's an investment,
dad.

Now, listen.

Kelly has a big math
test coming up.

Now, me and the guys are
getting a pool together

To guess her score.

Now, if I act fast,
I can cover 0-20,

And we'll be rolling
in dough.

Put me down for 15.

Right.

Where's your jacket?

Oh, I lost it.

You know, I liked
that one too.

Peg, did you hear this?

What's a degree?

[doorbell rings]

Oh, please let it be
a homicidal maniac. Please.

That's close enough.

Al, I know
this is usually

Encyclopedia britannica
hour at your house,

But I was wondering if
you could spare a minute

To pay for the window
your son broke.

Wait a second, steve.

What makes you think
bud did it?

Well, it happened
right after I said to him,

"hey, bud, aren't you
throwing those snowballs

A little close
to my house?"

Bud?

What have you got
to say for yourself?

Kelly's failing english.

I don't want
to hear it.

Now, you get
some scotch tape

And a piece
of steve's newspaper,

And you
tape up that window.

Uh, al,

As soothing
as the sound

Of wind whacking against
the sports section may be,

I was thinking
more along the lines

Of 50 bucks
for a new window.

And I could use 60
for a new jacket.

You know, steve,
I'm glad this happened.

This came
at a perfect time.

Winter?

No.

It's time bud learned
some responsibility.

You're going to learn
the value of a dollar.

You're going
to pay for his window

And your jacket.

Al, why don't you just
give me the 50 bucks

And let bud
pay you back?

Oh, no, steve.

I wouldn't trust him
as far as I could throw him.

Okay,
how about this?

It's six degrees
in my living room,

And I think the
lesson's mine to learn.

I'll pay for
the window myself.

Well, that's
fine for you, steve,

But what's
in it for bud?

Okay, I'll
give him 50 bucks

To forget
the whole thing.

No deal.

Now, bud, here's
what we're gonna do.

You are going to learn
the value of a dollar.

You're going to come to work
with me tomorrow.

But, dad, I have to--

And after seeing what
I go through all day,

You'll think twice
before you lose jackets,

Break windows,
get married, have kids...

Steve, what's a "tbls"?

That's short for tablespoon.

And someone's
supposed to know that?

Steve, did you know
our window is broken?

Yes. Bud did it,

I apologized,

And they promised
to let me pay for it.

I'm going to go get
a new pane of glass.

You stay here.

It's safer.

They never foul
their own nest.

[peg sobs]

Peggy, what's wrong?

Can't you see?

I'm baking.

Look,
marcie.

Look at what
they look like

Before
they're cookies.

I see you're making
chocolate chip.

Oh, no.

That one just
fell on the floor.

I don't belong
in the kitchen, marcie.

I'm a woman, damn it.

Let me help you.

Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.

How many do you need?

Oh, 800 or so.

I want kelly
to be proud of me.

Make it
an even thou.

Uh, peggy?

This hair...

Do you want it
sticking out of the cookie,

Or as a surprise
in the middle?

However they do it at bakeries.

Then you'll want it inside.

So what do you
need these cookies for, anyway?

Oh, it's
mother-daughter career day

At kelly's school.

Hmm. What are you
gonna wear?

Why would I
go to career day?

Well, you have a career.

You're a homemaker,

And a homemaker is a very
undervalued profession.

You should go and speak about

The things
you do for your family, like...

You did give birth, didn't you?

I guess.

You know, I was so deep under,
I could have laid eggs.

Yes, well, steve and I
have a theory about that, but...

Don't you think
kelly wants you to go?

She's never asked me.

Peggy...

A lot of time, kids
don't come right out

And ask for what
they really want.

I know when I was
a young girl,

I wanted a horse,

So I started talking
about stirrups.

My mother took me
to the gynecologist.

So now, whenever
I see a western,

I have this urge to scootch
to the end of the table.

Marcie, say
what you mean.

I want a horsie,
damn it.

Well,
that's not what I mean.

What I mean is,

No matter what she says,

I'm sure kelly wants you
to come to career day.

Hmm.

You know, she has been acting
kind of strange lately.

Why, just today, she asked me
to make her breakfast.

Gee, I wonder
what she really wanted.

Oh, well. I guess
I'll ask her gynecologist.

You know, maybe I should go
to that career day.

I hate to disappoint kelly.

Oh, mom, have you
seen my sweater?

Not now, I'm cooking!

God, it never ends.

[chattering]

Hi, mom. How's it going?

Oh, fine.

Fine!

I mean, nobody's talking to me
or anything, but, uh...

Actually, I shouldn't
say nobody.

A teacher gave me
detention

For smoking
in the bathroom.

Oh, and the girls'
gym teacher

Asked if I'd I like
to come over

And we could
comb each other's hair.

Well, if you go,

She'll get you out
of that detention.

Look, kelly,

I really thought
some of these kids

Would come over
and ask me questions.

I must be making you
look pretty bad

In front
of your friends.

Don't worry
about it, mom.

Most of my friends
aren't even up yet.

Well, I know that,

But I wanted you
to be proud of me,

Like those other kids
are proud of their moms.

But you're not like
other moms.

I mean, I knew that the
first day of kindergarten

When I opened up
my lunchbox

And found
a dollar bill

And a road map
to burger king.

I packed
that lunch myself.

But you know,
I've been thinking,

There must be more
to being a good mom

Than good nutrition.

I mean, look,

Those other kids
are learning so much

From the other moms.

Hey. Those other moms
couldn't have taught me

How to forge
dad's signature.

Well, you know,
I can't take credit for that.

Bud taught me,
and I passed it on to you.

You're very good
at that, you know.

Thanks.

Why, your "al bundy"
is worth more

Than the check
it's written on.

See, you've helped me
in a lot of ways.

Do you remember
when I was 7

And I was crying

Because bobby shepin
liked terry mull

Just because
she was a blonde,

And you ran right out
and bought me

My first bottle
of bleach.

Oh, I almost
forgot about that.

Honey, what is
your real hair color?

I don't know.

What color's yours?

I don't know.

You know,
it's times like these

I wish
we'd taken pictures.

Oh, listen.

Let's go have ourselves
a real mother-daughter day.

We'll get some popcorn,
feed the pigeons,

And then walk by
a construction site

And make them
hoot like jackals.

Too cool
for school, mom.

Hey,
excuse me.

What do you do?

Oh, uh,

I don't know.

Nothing, really.

I watch tv.

Then how do you make money?

Easy.
My husband has a job.

He brings home
a paycheck,

And what he doesn't
give to me, I take!

Wow!

Hey, becky, come here,
you gotta hear this.

Dad,
I had a math test today.

Why are you doing this?

Al:
For once in your life

I want you to see

What your dad
does all day long.

[toilet flushes]

There, that's better.

This is great,
isn't it?

Dad, tell me again
this lesson I'll never forget,

Because I already know
how to go to the bathroom.

It's about responsibility, bud.

You can't go through life
asking for money

And not doing anything
to earn it.

Your mom already
cornered that market.

I just want to show you
where the money comes from.

Now, you remember
that 320-pound behemoth

That orbited her way
in here about an hour ago?

The one with the chicken wing
between her teeth?

No, the other one.

Now, that was a $20 sale.

That means a solid
$1.97 for me.

After taxes, social security,
and your mom,

I just earned myself
a cool nickel.

You know, I never
figured that out before.

What the hell
am I doing?

Other people
make money.

Ah, but we're not
talking about me.

We're talking about you.

You're living
in a time of possibilities

For a young,
smart guy like you

That are limitless.

Why, you could--

A nickel?

That's what I make?

What the hell
keeps me going?

Dad, just--

Now, wait a second, bud.
Dad needs a moment here.

A nickel?

That can't be right.

It just can't be.

Ah, well,
the important thing

Is that you learn
responsibility,

And that your old dad

Is a little more
than a ready teller

Who doles out money
anytime anybody asks.

Excuse me.

Would you be able
to spare some cab fare?

Absolutely.

You know,
cabs are dangerous these days.

Let me get you a limo.

Gee, great.

[cash register rings]

And who
might you be?

I might be
the son of a rich man,

But fate stepped in

And dealt me
a tragic hand.

Don't talk to him.
He loses jackets.

There you go.

I'm sorry I had to ask,

But would you believe it?
I lost my purse?

Al:
Oh, well,

Let's retrace
your steps.

Let's go back to
your shower this morning.

Now, um...

What were
you wearing?

Well, nothing.

Uh-huh.

And what kind of soap
were you using?

Dad, let me speak
to you for a second.

I'm with a customer.

Dad!

I don't get this.

I lost a jacket,
I got a lecture.

She loses her purse,
she gets 20 bucks.

How come I have
to learn responsibility

And she doesn't?

Son, look at that.

When you have
that kind of skill,

You don't
need responsibility.

Bud, I got an idea.

Me too, dad.

No, no.

It's obvious to me

That you're not going
to learn anything looking at me.

I'm not looking at you,
dad.

Well, then at least listen,
and don't block my view.

Bud, you're going to have
the same thing I had as a kid.

You're going to open
your own lemonade stand.

Nothing better
on a hot day.

Dad, it's 12
degrees.

Then why are
we both sweating?

All right,
who's next

To lift the wallet
out of the pants?

Oh!

Okay, susan.
You try.

Oh, no,
no, no.

You want to lift
with the right hand.

The left hand

Is to hold the
pillow over his head.

Uh, mom, a remote control
question over here?

Oh, no, no, kimberly.

You want to roll the bonbon
in your mouth.

Roll it,
roll it.

Yes?

What if your husband

Is watching something
stupid like sports,

And he has
the remote control?

Crowd:
Yeah. That's a good one.

Ah.
An advanced question.

This requires
planning.

As I explained,

In the section
on how to use your tv guide,

When you fold down the pages
of what you want to see,

Scan for those
nasty sporting events

That can kill
your evening.

That day,
you set the channel

For what you want,

And then remove the batteries
from the remote control.

Most men

Will only push
a remote button four times

Before giving up,

And they won't get up
to change the station manually,

Because they're
too tired from work.

Judge spivak.

What about meals?

How do they get done?

Hello,
do you deliver?

So what you're saying
is that work is stupid.

Just for women.

No, what I'm saying

Is why should we age
and sweat and die early?

That's what men are for!

Gosh, kelly, your mom
is the greatest,

And where did she learn
to make such good cookies?

She tricked a neighbor
into baking them.

Oh, my gosh.
Everybody, did you hear that?

She tricked a neighbor
into making these cookies.

All chanting:
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!

Peg-gy! Peg-gy!

Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!

I couldn't believe
that astronaut.

Forty years old,

And she didn't even know
who oprah was.

Spend some time
on earth, lady.

You know, mom,

When I grow up, I want
to be just like you.

I want to do nothing.
I want to be nothing.

Oh, kelly,
you make me so proud.

I just
wish your father

Could be here
to hear that.

What are they doing
selling lemonade?

It must be
five below out there.

Oh, it's something
about a lesson.

I couldn't
really understand bud.

He had a lemon
stuck to his lips.

What happened to bud?

Ah, he's
a little grumpy.

Mr. Erickson was running
his snow blower.

It sucked up a quarter,
shot it across the street,

Hit bud in the head.

There ya go!

I told you

If you put these lemons
under a little fire,

They'd fall right out.

You're the
greatest, dad.

Save me
from this man.

Some other time, bud.

I'm taking kelly shopping.

Oh, look, mom.

This quarter
fell off bud's head.

We can use it
for the parking meter.

No, no,

We have
an out-of-order sign for that.

But I know, we can use it
to buy lemonade at the mall.

Hey, mom, you want
to buy bud a jacket?

What for?
He's inside now.

Well, I think you learned
a couple of valuable lessons.

Number one,

Never suck on a lemon
when it's 5 degrees.

Number two,
look at yourself.

You're cold,
you're hungry,

You're beginning
to stoop.

You earned a quarter
and the women took it.

Congratulations, bud.

Today, you are a man.

[♪]