Original subtitles

[♪]

[door slams]

Now, we'll be gone a week.

Did you turn off the phone?

Yeah.

The heat, electricity, the water?

All shut off.

Al,

Honey, do you think

We should have told the kids we were going?

They'll be fine,

But if you're worried about them,

You can stay here with them.

Of course, it won't be the same without ya--

I might have some fun.

No way, al.

I'm going too.

After all, if it wasn't for me,

We couldn't even afford this little trip.

It was my uncle that died and left us money.

[doorbell rings]

That's the mail. That's our inheritance check!

[chuckles gleefully]

Here, give me that.

Bill,

Bill,

Bill.

Here it is!

All right, get the suitcases.

We'll open it and cash it on the way.

Let's go.

So long, suckers!

Pretty low, dad.

What tipped you off?

Well, we knew something was up

When you packed us a lunch.

Peg!

Well...

Since you're all here, and I have no choice,

You may as well hear the bad news.

Uncle henry died.

Yay! Yes, yes!

Fork it over, dad.

We deserve that money just as much as you two do.

If not more.

Let's not forget,

When uncle henry was losing his mind,

I was the one who pretended to be his mother,

And I was the one who told him

To leave something to those nice bundys.

How much do you think it is, mom?

Well, it's got to be a lot.

You know what a miser he was.

He was so cheap he'd buy day-old bread,

And why did he do that, kids?

Kids: It didn't matter because he toasted it anyway.

Hey, you remember that little song

We used to sing about uncle henry?

[singing to the tune of "day-o"]

♪ day-old ♪

♪ day-old bread ♪

♪ uncle henry buys a-day-old bread ♪

♪ hey, mr. Baker-man none of that fresh stuff ♪

♪ uncle henry buys a-day-old bread ♪

Hey, hey, hey! Enough, now!

Enough of that!

It's opening time.

[laughs]

All right. Now...

Working backwards...

I see...

A seven.

Yes.

I see a three.

Come on, come on.

I see a two.

What do you see now, dad?

I see a check for $237.

I buffed this man's carbuncles for $237?

How do you think I feel? I was his mother.

All right, $237 split four ways

Comes to...

To, um...

Bud?

$59.25 each.

Exactly,

And that won't even buy a fake id.

So, um, the only plan that makes sense

Is to give it to bud and me.

That way, we can split the money,

And get front-row tickets

To the tears and vomit concert tomorrow night.

Hey, where's the fun in this death for me?

He was my relative,

And I just know he would have wanted me

To have a bikini wax and a nice perm.

Kids: Tears and vomit.

Bikini wax.

Tears and vomit.

Bikini wax!

Tears and vomit! Bikini wax!

Hey! Kids, peg. Come on, now.

Let's not let our new-found wealth

Turn us against each other like that family on dynasty.

Come on, let's be reasonable.

Would you prefer that uncle henry had not died?

No. No. No.

Well, all right then.

We found this money as a family, we'll spend it as a family.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get that.

Hi. We just had a little romantic lunch downtown,

And we brought a nice prime rib bone for buck.

How nice.

Oh, there's meat on it!

[doorbell rings]

Now what?

Ow!

What marcy means is, "you're welcome."

Well, since you're imposing,

Let me ask you a question.

As you can see, our house is in great sadness.

We inherited a check

For $237.

We don't know what to do with it.

Well, let's see--

Charm school,

Car muffler,

High hedges...

Your own newspaper subscription.

Your own garbage cans.

Bail money for the children.

Nah.

To hell with the future.

I'm talking about now, steve.

Well, in that case, you could pay back the money you owe us.

Hey, a man just died here,

And I'm sure he gave us this money

Not to pay you back, but for us to have fun.

As a matter of fact--

Kelly, what were his last words?

[mumbles incoherently]

There you go, steve.

You can't deny a man his death wish.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

We're about to have dinner.

I have a suggestion.

Why don't you take the money and go out to a nice restaurant?

Get all dressed up, find someplace elegant,

And get something to eat, for god's sake.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

We did that once, al, you remember?

It was right after kelly was born.

Mom gave us some money to buy her booster shots,

But she was crying so much,

We just decided to go out instead.

You know, her whooping cough

Only lasted a couple of weeks,

But the memories of that meal

Will last us a lifetime.

Oh, let's do it, honey.

Let's go have a nice meal.

You never take me out anymore.

Well...

Why not?

Hey, kids, what do you say?

You want to go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?

We want to see tears and vomit.

Well, you can see that when your mom cooks.

Come here, kids.

Just have a seat right here.

Now, kids,

How often do we get to do things as a family?

You know, besides

Getting grandma bundy out of the drunk tank?

All right, then. It's settled.

Now, tomorrow we'll get in our fancy duds,

We'll gas up the old war-wagon,

And we'll dine like royalty.

Dog's got our food!

Dog's got our food!

[slow jazz playing]

Ooh. Ahh.

God, this is great.

Yeah, that's it. Show your lack of breeding.

Now, be quiet and let me handle everything.

Uh, reservations

For mr. Warren beatty and family.

Uh, right this way, sir.

Hey, now, look at that steak.

Now, I want something like that.

Wow, and look at that bald guy's chicken.

The rolls look good, too.

Could you cut into that

So I can see how it looks?

How much does it cost for something like that?

How much does a steak like that cost?

That corn looks good--

This way, please. Your table's waiting for you.

Oh.

Before you see a menu,

Would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?

Coke. Coke.

Coke.

Jack and a beer back.

It's, um, slang that the kids use.

It means coke.

Isn't this beautiful, kids?

Good evening.

I'm paul, and I'll be your waiter for tonight.

Would you care to hear about our fresh fish?

Uh, yeah. Maybe after dinner.

Right now, give us four steaks.

Nuke 'em.

Very good. Potato?

Well, how much is the potato?

Well, it comes with the meal.

Potatoes for everybody.

Vegetables?

Oh, we don't eat vegetables.

Of course.

[band playing "moon river"]

Hey, kids.

You wanted to see a band,

We wanted a meal,

Voila.

Yeah, dad. They're the coolest.

I seem to recognize "moon river,"

One of my personal favorites.

Al,

You want to dance?

You wouldn't mind, peg?

Of course not, I'd love it.

[chuckling]

Would you like to dance with me?

Dance with me, you moron.

Look at them, kel.

Old-a-rama.

You are a soulless troll.

I think it's romantic

That two dinosaurs like mom and dad

Still care enough about each other to dance.

I mean, look at them.

You can see how much they really love each other.

Couldn't you even wear deodorant, you pig?

Gee, you didn't

Wear quite enough hairspray tonight, peg,

I can still smell your breath.

Hey, kel.

Watch me have some fun with this waiter.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[both clear throats]

Uh, excuse me,

Young people.

How would you like me to kill you?

That will be all.

♪ two drifters ♪

♪ off to see the world ♪

♪ there's such a lot of world ♪

♪ to see ♪

♪ we're after ♪

♪ the same rainbow's end ♪

♪ waiting 'round the bend ♪

♪ my huckleberry friend ♪

♪ moon river ♪

♪ and ♪

♪ me ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know,

But at least she's not a hundred.

Thanks, al.

Hey, you're my woman.

Chow time! Chow time!

Chow time! Chow time!

Chow time! Chow time!

Chow time! Chow time!

Okay.

Okay, now, everybody. Dig in,

But watch your fingers.

Hey, hey, now. Kids, wait a minute.

We're not at home.

This is a special evening and a special meal,

And I think we should say our thanks

By saying grace.

Look at that steak.

I think I'm getting sexually excited.

I knew you were supposed to cook a potato.

I knew it, I knew it.

This food could be trouble.

They're all going to like it,

And then they're going to look at me.

And, lord, I'd just like to say,

Other people get to eat like this all the time.

Animals at the zoo eat better than me,

And more often, I might add.

Don't I rate as much as a jackal gets?

Thanks for listening.

Your friend, al.

Amen.

Let's eat!

[snorting and grunting]

[gruffly] a roll!

Butter!

[both moaning with pleasure]

Yeah. Was that eating or was that eating?

You know, there's only one way

To top off a meal like that.

Cigar? No.

Oh, waiter. Got a newspaper there?

Waiter: Right away, sir.

Yep.

Al: ♪ moon river ♪

I feel like the queen of England.

Al, honey,

You sure we have enough money

To pay for this meal?

Yep, that's why I only ordered myself

A cup of coffee.

Yep, I figured it all out, it comes to $225.57.

That includes tax, which I know all about

Because I'm in the business world.

Oh, garkarooni.

Check, please.

Yep.

How much is it, al?

$225.57.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

[laughs weakly]

I forgot my wallet, peg.

Such a nerd.

Come on now, kids.

Give your daddy a chance.

What are you going to do, idiot?

Well, let's not panic.

I mean, if we keep calm,

We can still get through this thing

With a little bit of dignity.

You want me to throw a fit on the floor

Like I do when we can't pay at denny's?

That was for $3.95.

For $225, they let you swallow your tongue

Before they call an ambulance.

Kelly,

Take the car keys,

Look at what mommy married,

And bring back our money.

Oh, oh, and, kelly--

I know, I'll be careful.

No, no, I don't care about that.

Just don't change my radio station.

Would you like me to take your check now, sir?

Uh, not quite yet.

No, we'll just let our meal settle here.

We'll have some more water, please.

Can't get enough water, you know.

It's nature's fruit juice.

How long do you thing it will take the kids?

Well, it took us 40 minutes

To get here one way,

And knowing how kelly drives,

They should be here and back

In about eight minutes.

Well, what are we gonna do in the meantime?

Just drink water.

Got it, kel?

Got it.

Confused again, kel?

Let me help.

Turn the knob, then open the door.

No, young weenie.

You know what just dawned on me?

Two plus two equals four?

Hey, when I'm not in school,

I don't want to think about it, okay?

No, I was just thinking.

You know, mom and dad already got

A great meal out of this money.

I mean, they not going to enjoy it any more

By paying for it.

Now we can enjoy it too.

It's not too late for tears and vomit.

Wait a minute. What about mom and dad?

Come on, bud.

Who's better at beating a check than mom and dad?

God, I mean, you were 9 before you knew

That a movie theater had a front door.

Come on, don't worry about them.

Let's go.

You realize if we do this,

We might not be able to come home tonight.

Won't be a first for me.

[playing "moon river" on glasses]

♪ moon river ♪

♪ wider than a mile ♪

♪ I'm crossing you in style-- ♪

Peg, peg, it's been two and a half hours.

It's safe to say

The kids have left us here to die.

I can't believe the kids would do this to us.

Yeah, like we wouldn't do it to them.

[clears throat]

Would you like to pay the check now?

I'm letting my water settle.

Go away. Go away.

[playing tango music]

I got an idea.

You'll pardon me if I doubt you.

And you'll pardon me if I kill you.

Come on, just follow my lead.

He overflowed the toilet.

What are we going to do, al?

"what are we going to do, al?"

"what are we going to do, al?"

Well, when you're out of the bedroom,

The answers don't come easy, do they, peg?

I got an idea.

Boy, the ideas sure come quick to you

Out of the bedroom, don't they?

Watch me operate.

Billy bob sammy jim!

Hey, you old son of a gun, where you been all these days?

How long has it been, six, seven years?

Well, this must be the wife. Boy, how he's talked about you.

Listen, this might be a bad time to bring it up,

But remember that $225.57 you owe me?

Well, I was going to let it slide,

But that ruins friendships, doesn't it?

Oh, harold.

Well, to tell the truth, I'm a little low.

Well, whatever you got.

Just, you know, 5, 10 bucks, you know.

Send me the rest. Hey, what's money among friends?

Well, I can give you $20.

Well, that's just great.

Hey, it's been really good--

Yeah, yeah, right.

Hey, joe bob jack, you old toe-picker, you!

How'd you do, al?

Well, I was up to $75,

Then I ran into somebody who knew me,

So he saw me with the money,

I had to pay him the $50 I owed him.

Sir, it's been three hours,

And we really need this table.

We've got some nice water for you to take home.

Pay us!

Didn't I pay?

It must've slipped my mind.

Didn't I pay you?

Oh, well.

Listen, could you bring me a newspaper?

I'll be right back with the manager, sir.

Is it okay to panic now, al?

Yeah, now would be a good time to panic, peg.

What do you think they'll do to us?

Well, it's a high-class joint.

They'll probably beat the hell out of me

And toss me in a dumpster,

But, well, you,

You'll probably just have to do some dishes.

Dishes?

Me?

No way.

I'm taking charge here.

Give me your shoes.

What are you talking about, peg?

Give me your shoes, now.

Sir, if you can't pay,

Perhaps you'd like to discuss it with--

What's that?

This! Ugh!

Okay, everybody back.

Now, we're busting out of here.

I want to see hands, people.

Nobody try to be a hero.

Oh, my god. She's got a shoe!

Nobody comes close, nobody gets sick.

And I don't want to see anybody try that again.

Let's go, al.

Play some happy music.

[playing "tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree"]

Let's go, al.

Wait a second, peg.

You know,

I had a really nice time tonight, honey.

It was nice getting out for a change.

Uh-huh.

Hey, you wanna make a run for the fire escape?

You betcha.

And don't try to follow us.

[♪]