Original subtitles

[♪]

Another great meal, peg.

You know, honey, you're incredible.

You ignore the children, you neglect the house,

And still you find time

To let the dinner get cold before you serve it.

How do you do it?

Well, al, I guess I care enough about me

Not to care about you.

[laughs]

You know, it's times like these

I'd like to take you upstairs

And plug that hole in the roof.

[both laughing]

Now, listen, peg, my week off starts tonight,

So if there's any place you ever wanted to go,

Get the kids, pack up, and, uh, see you in a week.

Not this year, al.

Every time I leave you alone,

You just mess this house up.

This year, you're going to do all those things

That you promised to do when you have the time.

Let's see...

"consummate marriage."

[sighs]

Nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself job.

Here we go.

Here's the stuff you can do:

"paint the house, plant the lawn,

"caulk the windows,

"do the laundry...

Fix the toilet, clean the gutters,"

And if you have time,

"talk to the children."

Both bud and nancy?

It's kelly, al.

Whatever.

Listen, peg, I don't wanna do anything.

It's my week off.

But, honey, if you don't do these chores, who will?

How about sid and nancy?

It's bud and kelly.

Yes, them.

[doorbell rings]

Get that, peg?

"answer door."

Ahhh...

Good night, honey.

[doorbell rings]

Ah, steve, gee. Must be my lucky day.

Why, did they raise the minimum wage?

[laughs]

Oh, listen, al.

Remember last week,

We were talking about going fishing on your week off?

Well, I rented us a cabin

On a lake so loaded with fish, they jump on your hook.

It's just the way wilderness should be.

There are "no trespassing" signs everywhere.

There's a 7-eleven 10 minutes away.

What do you think? What do I think?

[humming "dueling banjos"]

[humming "dueling banjos"]

[humming]

[humming]

[humming together]

Shh! Wake up peg,

If she hears me having a good time,

She'll want some too.

How long do we have the cabin for?

Five whole days.

Five days? Oh, man!

Now, listen, al, this cabin cost me $250.

Hey, don't apologize to me, steve.

If I'm going for free, I've no right to complain.

"dear peg...

"by the time you read this,

"there will be nothing you can do about it.

"I was called away on an emergency fishing trip.

"I'll be away a week.

"I wouldn't blame you if you took the kids and left me,

"but if you do, take the dog too.

"I guess this is goodbye.

Love, al."

"al."

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Shh!

Hi, steve, marcy.

Steve, aren't you afraid she'll find out about the trip?

What kind of a guy do you think I am?

Like I'd really go away for a week without my wife.

Where's peggy?

Come on, peg!

Time to go!

Peggy: Marcy, I-is that you?

Yeah! Come on, wake the kids, we're going fishing!

Shh! Not so loud. You'll wake up al.

[gasps]

Oh, I love it. It's so rustic.

[sniffs deeply]

And the air smells great.

Yeah, well, get it while you can.

Once al settles in, the shoes come off.

Oh.

[shutter clicks]

[grunting]

Okay, peg, this hair dryer is yours,

And these cases of bottled water,

Marcy, are yours...

[thudding]

And I believe this hernia is mine.

[shutter clicks]

It's a beautiful cabin, steve.

Great job, mr. Rhoades.

[peggy chuckles]

Isn't he cute?

Even squid love their young.

What a dump.

[clatter]

Kelly, honey, let me explain something about fishing rods.

When you throw them down, you break them.

Then daddy can't fish.

If daddy can't fish, he's stuck with mommy.

If daddy's stuck with mommy, nobody leaves here alive.

I didn't ask to come, and I didn't ask to be born.

Peg?

Well, it's her time of the month, al.

What the hell did we bring her for, then?

Squeaked through another month, eh, kel?

Your mother.

Your father.

Now, kids, let's leave the insults at home, huh?

Now, look, kelly,

I came up here for a good time.

Now, I understand why you have to do this.

I just don't understand why it has to be now.

Go...Away.

"go away, daddy."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my room?

This is it.

You mean there's no bedroom?

Of course not. It's a cabin.

It's an outhouse.

Hey, this place cost me and steve

A small fortune,

And you're gonna like it.

Oh, come on, everybody, let's have fun.

I know. Let's go shopping.

We passed a nice little rustic store on the way up here,

Where the men were chopping wood with their shirts off.

[chuckles]

Well, you know what they say.

You can never have enough lumber.

I know what we can do.

Let's go on a nature hunt.

We can collect leaves and arrowheads

And take pictures of the wildlife.

Yeah, then we'll all get naked

And sing "this land is your land."

I don't know about you, steve. I'm going fishing.

I'm with you, buddy.

Just us men, eh, mr. Rhoades?

Yeah, you said it.

[chuckles]

[thud]

Hey, girls!

What do you say to this?

Oh, no.

What is it, al?

Periods, steve.

Three of 'em.

All three at once.

What did they do, give it to each other?

Actually, it's an interesting phenomenon

That happens quite often.

I read they did a study of a girls' college dormitory,

And most of the women wound up menstruating at the same time.

What should we do now?

Eat!

Hey, peg, you know the deal, we catch 'em, you clean 'em!

Ahhh...

[chuckling softly]

[smooch]

[chuckles]

It's clean.

[chuckles]

You see why I never go anywhere with her?

Now, al, let's not panic.

What women need at a time like this

Is compassion, love, and understanding.

Partners through life...

Partners through strife.

Marcy...Let's talk.

Fine.

Let's talk about 14 months ago

When I wanted to see that movie and you were too tired,

And about the time you wore that gray sweater.

I hate that sweater.

I hate you, steve.

Everything about you.

Every breath you take,

Every move you make.

You, sir, stink!

[sobbing] I feel so bloated and so ugly.

See how mean he is to me, peg?

[squeaking] well, marcy's okay.

Bud, go over

And say something nice to your sister.

Dad, I don't even like her.

Who does? Just go.

Hey, kel.

Hm, you're carrying that extra chin very nicely.

[thwack] bud: Ooh!

[high-pitched] you're next, dad.

Not me, son. I did what custer should have:

Used scouts.

You know why they're doing this to us, don't you, steve?

It's because we were gonna have fun.

That's why they invented this period thing.

Back before men, women didn't have periods.

Gee, it would have been nice to live then.

You know who was a good woman?

Veronica. You know, from archie's comics?

Veronica never had a period.

That's true,

But she still had an attitude problem.

You're right, there are no good ones.

It's cold in here!

It's hot in here.

It's hot and cold in here.

We're in some major-league trouble here, men.

The kid's right, al, I'm scared.

Be thankful yours just kills,

It's quick, it's clean.

Mine, like the black widow,

Wants to mate before she kills.

I'm a dead man.

Let's go to bed. Let them suffer.

We'll wake up refreshed,

Go fishing,

Let them kill each other.

[laughing]

Oh...

God. I feel foul.

Oh, I'm so bloated, even my teeth are swollen.

If I retain any more water in my body,

They could build a pier across my butt.

Oh, I need a back rub.

I need a foot rub.

I need someone to yell at.

Where are the men?

I bet they went fishing.

Isn't that just like men?

When we need them most, they're never around.

Men are the lowest.

Let's pretend bud's a man and kill him.

[whispers] men, we're surrounded.

Men?

Well, what happened?

We were walking through the woods

Quiet as you please,

When all of a sudden, the ground started shaking

And something came crashing through a bush.

I thought it was you, peg,

But it didn't want my wallet.

It was a bear.

A big one, with my name on it.

There he is!

That's a moose.

The bear's over there spraying your tires.

Those are my mercedes!

Stop that!

Bad! Bad bear!

What do they want? We have no food.

They don't want us, bud.

Let me talk to your father alone.

See, al, wild animals can sense when women are, uh...

Killing their husbands?

No, al, when they're...Cycling.

Don't you understand? They want our women.

Well, then, our women they shall have.

Oh, peg!

We've gotta get outta here.

We can't get out of here. We're trapped.

Well, somebody has to go for help.

Oh, and chocolate.

Gee, I--

I'd love to, honey, but I can't.

There's a moose filling my gas tank.

I'd hate to interrupt him right now.

Look at them. Our protectors.

The great white hunters.

You know, in the old days,

Those men would have gone out there, fought the bear,

Come back with supper and a nice rug.

Now you send them for milk,

They come back with a leaking carton,

A runny nose and a bad back.

You know, it's amazing.

The one thing they're good for they're not good at.

I hate the way they won't ask directions

When they're lost.

And the way they leave the toilet seat up.

And the way they ask you to chip in for the motel room.

So I've heard.

Well, the cast of bambi is out there now.

And in here, we have some of the seven dwarfs...

Puffy, crabby and horny.

So I'd say it's safe to say that this day's shot.

What say we all turn in?

[groaning]

Al, it is 7:30 in the morning.

Well, peg, we're out in the woods now.

You get up early, you go to bed early. Good night.

Mwah, mwah.

More hot water for breakfast, anyone?

[groans]

Oh, what's today?

It's Thursday.

Did I miss anything?

Yeah. Wednesday.

Well, I guess I'll turn in, then.

Daddy, we're starving to death.

And some of us are aging badly.

Zip it, pimple farm.

Daddy, do something.

I'm going to, pumpkin.

I'm gonna take a nap in a few minutes.

Oh, steve! How's the car?

Well, I can, uh, still just about tell it's a mercedes.

Of course, the tires are flat,

But that's probably because of the porcupine quills.

And that cougar who went in through the sunroof

Only looks like he's driving,

Because I've got the keys.

So I guess the laugh's on him.

[chuckles]

$30,000...

Al...

You...Are an idiot.

I was home,

I was comfortable, I was safe.

I truly, truly hate you.

Come on, honey, let's do it.

Let's go into the bathroom.

Come on. No one has to know...

Not even you.

Steve, give me the keys to your car.

I'm gonna go for help.

There are animals all over the car, al.

Maybe I can reason with them.

Now, someone has to take charge here,

And it's gonna be me.

Now, I need a weapon.

What do we have?

Dad.

Explain to me again

Why you need the suit of many hooks.

Like the wily porcupine,

I now have my armor of quills.

But unlike the wily porcupine,

Won't the animals stick to you?

That's what the mighty horns are for, son.

If anything gets close,

I lower my head

And proceed in an aggressive manner.

That should end it right there.

And I have my secret weapon.

If anything goes wrong,

I zap them in the face with bug spray.

Why not just use your socks on a stick?

Or would that be too cruel?

God, you're sexy.

[hisses]

Lock the door behind me, son.

[door opens]

[wolf howls]

Oh, son, you're the man of the family now.

If for some reason I don't come back,

The shoe store opens at 10.

[spray can hissing]

He'll never make it, you know.

Well, it won't be the first time.

Well, he's-- he's made it through the mosquitoes.

He's hurdling a beaver.

Go, al, go!

Oops.

A wolf. [snarling]

I can't watch, I have to clean.

Oh, no, you really should see this, marce.

[snarls]

The wolf is closing in. [snarls]

Al ducks behind a tree.

He is now stuck to the tree by his mighty quills.

Whoa-ho!

Look at him shake!

Oh. He's in trouble.

He is now lowering his head in an aggressive manner.

[bellowing]

So is the moose.

Oh, no!

A trap door!

Food! I found food!

[al screams]

I'll have any of that.

Oh, my god, it's chocolate!

We're saved! Al: Help me!

Give me some!

No, no! Al: Help me! Help!

[others clamoring] [banging on door]

[clamoring continues]

[growls]

Thanks for inviting us, steve.

What's next, buddy, lion-country safari?

About 28 days from now?

I feel so much better.

Oh, me too.

Guess what, guys.

We saw two wrens make a nest.

Did you happen to find the rest of my ear out there too?

You're not gonna bring me down, mr. Cloudy day.

He is such a big baby when he gets hurt.

Well, we better start packing.

You've got to go to work tomorrow.

Aw.

You know, if he was gonna be such a grouch,

Why'd he even come?

I don't get it.

I mean, why are they so miserable?

We're the ones who have the periods.

[♪]