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1
00:00:03,135 --> 00:00:05,303
[♪]
2
00:01:14,406 --> 00:01:16,141
They don't fit,
3
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:19,144
And your ad said,
"we fit every foot."
4
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:21,980
Yes, ma'am, but our problem is
what we're dealing with
5
00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:24,248
Is not what webster meant
by "feet."
6
00:01:24,249 --> 00:01:26,284
Now, let's face it, girls,
7
00:01:26,285 --> 00:01:30,021
What we've got here
are rib roasts with nails.
8
00:01:30,022 --> 00:01:31,422
Now, what I would suggest
9
00:01:31,423 --> 00:01:33,825
Is surrounding your tootsies
with those little brown potatoes
10
00:01:33,826 --> 00:01:36,094
Wrapped in foil
and serve with dry wine.
11
00:01:36,095 --> 00:01:37,195
Oh!
12
00:01:37,196 --> 00:01:38,462
Well!
13
00:01:47,973 --> 00:01:49,107
Oh, over here, dear.
14
00:01:49,108 --> 00:01:51,009
Just put them anywhere.
15
00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:52,110
Hi, al.
16
00:01:52,111 --> 00:01:53,778
Honey, you would've been
so proud of me.
17
00:01:53,779 --> 00:01:58,416
I spent every penny you have,
but not a cent more.
18
00:01:58,417 --> 00:02:00,651
Now I need a little tip
for alejandro.
19
00:02:00,652 --> 00:02:03,188
Sure. Don't touch my wife.
20
00:02:05,825 --> 00:02:08,226
Kmart, tomorrow,
10-ish.
21
00:02:08,227 --> 00:02:10,729
Peg, I understand
your great need to shop.
22
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,463
After all,
you have to do something
23
00:02:12,464 --> 00:02:14,999
To break up
that nothing you do at home,
24
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,134
But, you know,
25
00:02:16,135 --> 00:02:18,903
As I was vacuuming
my shirt this morning,
26
00:02:18,904 --> 00:02:21,572
I said to myself,
"hey, I got a wife. I have to.
27
00:02:21,573 --> 00:02:24,943
Why else would I not care
about my health?"
28
00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:26,177
What's your point, al?
29
00:02:26,178 --> 00:02:28,747
I don't have
any clean shirts, peg.
30
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,949
Do what I do,
buy a new one.
31
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:33,718
Well, I would have,
but I didn't want to wake you,
32
00:02:33,719 --> 00:02:36,187
Prying my wallet
out of your claws.
33
00:02:36,188 --> 00:02:37,655
Let's try this,
34
00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:40,792
Pretend the mall closes at 3,
go home and clean my clothes.
35
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:42,861
What am I being punished for?
36
00:02:44,529 --> 00:02:47,398
Okay, al, I'll do the wash,
37
00:02:47,399 --> 00:02:49,033
But first,
give me some more money.
38
00:02:49,034 --> 00:02:50,735
I need quarters for the machine.
39
00:02:50,736 --> 00:02:52,737
Hey, you're not gonna get me
with that one twice.
40
00:02:52,738 --> 00:02:53,604
We own that machine.
41
00:02:56,708 --> 00:02:59,210
I don't wanna do the wash, al.
42
00:02:59,211 --> 00:03:02,413
There's nothing to buy there.
43
00:03:02,414 --> 00:03:03,815
I know, let's compromise.
44
00:03:03,816 --> 00:03:05,850
Gimme some money,
and on your way home,
45
00:03:05,851 --> 00:03:08,987
You can pick up chinese food,
and we'll have a nice dinner.
46
00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:11,355
Peg, I'm serious.
Look at this shirt.
47
00:03:11,356 --> 00:03:14,025
It doesn't show up in a mirror.
48
00:03:14,026 --> 00:03:15,894
Now, go home, do the wash.
49
00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:18,429
Until then, you're cut off,
understand? No money.
50
00:03:18,430 --> 00:03:20,231
Yes, al.
51
00:03:20,232 --> 00:03:21,632
Now, if you'll excuse me,
52
00:03:21,633 --> 00:03:24,435
The sun is setting,
and my shirt wants to party.
53
00:03:24,436 --> 00:03:25,837
I have to put these shoes away.
54
00:03:27,873 --> 00:03:29,240
Al...
55
00:03:29,241 --> 00:03:31,542
No more money!
56
00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:34,478
[silently]
57
00:03:43,355 --> 00:03:44,823
[sneezes, register dings]
58
00:03:46,325 --> 00:03:48,259
Al: Bless you!
59
00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:50,528
Thank you, dear!
60
00:03:52,965 --> 00:03:55,633
[coughs]
61
00:03:55,634 --> 00:03:57,702
Better take something
for that cough, peg.
62
00:03:57,703 --> 00:04:00,004
Oh, I already did.
63
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,374
Honey, I'm gonna go home now
64
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:06,277
And think about
doing your laundry.
65
00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:09,914
Oh.
Oh.
66
00:04:09,915 --> 00:04:11,082
E-excuse me, ma'am.
67
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,951
Uh, where's the pharmacy?
68
00:04:15,087 --> 00:04:16,520
Thank you, ma'am.
69
00:04:20,926 --> 00:04:23,461
Al...Al!
70
00:04:23,462 --> 00:04:24,829
Guess what I just saw.
71
00:04:24,830 --> 00:04:27,131
A mother
with her children.
72
00:04:27,132 --> 00:04:28,867
No.
73
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:30,268
Al, I just saw elvis.
74
00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:31,569
Elvis who, peg?
75
00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:33,404
Elvis presley.
76
00:04:33,405 --> 00:04:34,705
The king.
77
00:04:34,706 --> 00:04:36,474
The pelvis.
78
00:04:36,475 --> 00:04:38,576
Peg, let me explain
three things to you.
79
00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:40,945
Number one, elvis is dead.
80
00:04:40,946 --> 00:04:43,181
Number two, elvis wasn't
any good when he was alive.
81
00:04:43,182 --> 00:04:44,782
And number three,
if he was alive,
82
00:04:44,783 --> 00:04:47,585
He'd want you to clean my shirt.
83
00:04:47,586 --> 00:04:48,786
You don't believe me?
84
00:04:48,787 --> 00:04:49,988
As much as I believed you
85
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:51,722
When you told me
cleaning promotes heart disease.
86
00:04:51,723 --> 00:04:53,691
Well, that was a mistake.
87
00:04:53,692 --> 00:04:54,725
They meant smoking,
88
00:04:54,726 --> 00:04:56,928
But I didn't want
to quit smoking.
89
00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:59,397
Honey, I really did.
I just saw elvis.
90
00:04:59,398 --> 00:05:01,366
There's only one dead guy
in the mall, peg,
91
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,201
And you're looking at him.
92
00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:05,503
Now, go home
and clean my shirt!
93
00:05:05,504 --> 00:05:07,872
Al, I saw elvis.
94
00:05:07,873 --> 00:05:10,174
And if it turns out
that it really was him,
95
00:05:10,175 --> 00:05:13,278
I want you to give me $500.
96
00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:14,979
Peg, if it turns out
to be elvis,
97
00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:16,747
I'll give you everything I have.
98
00:05:16,748 --> 00:05:18,816
I'd rather have $500.
99
00:05:20,652 --> 00:05:22,353
So I searched
every store in the mall,
100
00:05:22,354 --> 00:05:24,389
But elvis was gone.
101
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,224
I know it was him, marcy.
102
00:05:26,225 --> 00:05:28,859
He looked just like he did
when they buried him.
103
00:05:28,860 --> 00:05:32,196
I loved elvis.
I wish he were alive.
104
00:05:32,197 --> 00:05:35,199
He's the one person
I'd cheat on steve with.
105
00:05:36,668 --> 00:05:39,270
Well...Him and
boom boom mancini.
106
00:05:40,439 --> 00:05:42,773
I'm telling you, marcy,
I saw him.
107
00:05:42,774 --> 00:05:45,143
Look, peggy, a lot of people
think they saw elvis.
108
00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:47,578
He was an idol, a sex symbol.
109
00:05:47,579 --> 00:05:49,280
And with men
what they are today,
110
00:05:49,281 --> 00:05:51,416
Is it any wonder
we look to the dead
111
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:53,851
For a little excitement.
112
00:05:53,852 --> 00:05:55,486
Believe me, peggy,
113
00:05:55,487 --> 00:05:58,289
No one wishes he were alive
more than I do.
114
00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:00,291
I've been to graceland.
115
00:06:01,593 --> 00:06:04,162
I saw him in vegas.
116
00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:07,798
His buns alive with magic.
117
00:06:07,799 --> 00:06:12,670
His voice pulsing through me,
reaching my secret places.
118
00:06:12,671 --> 00:06:15,840
His hips undulating,
swirling, grinding,
119
00:06:15,841 --> 00:06:18,009
Driving his essence
into my very soul
120
00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:19,877
Again and again,
121
00:06:19,878 --> 00:06:22,380
Faster and faster until...
122
00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:23,814
Until...
123
00:06:23,815 --> 00:06:25,716
[gasp shivers]
124
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,560
Can I have a cigarette?
125
00:06:39,931 --> 00:06:43,334
Anyhow, what I'm saying here
is elvis is dead,
126
00:06:43,335 --> 00:06:45,769
And we should get on
with our lives.
127
00:06:45,770 --> 00:06:46,770
Oh, god.
128
00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:50,441
Do you realize
129
00:06:50,442 --> 00:06:54,278
That you just had more sex
today in this house
130
00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:58,416
Than I've had
in 16 years of marriage...
131
00:06:58,417 --> 00:07:01,219
And it lasted longer.
132
00:07:02,554 --> 00:07:04,188
Oh, well.
133
00:07:04,189 --> 00:07:06,057
At least I've got my health.
134
00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:07,025
[bell rings]
135
00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:09,627
Come in!
136
00:07:09,628 --> 00:07:14,332
No, peggy,
that's the dryer.
137
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:16,334
It means it's done.
138
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,236
Well, what do we do now?
139
00:07:18,237 --> 00:07:19,637
You fold them.
140
00:07:19,638 --> 00:07:21,372
Oh, I don't like this at all.
141
00:07:22,807 --> 00:07:25,510
Oh, marcy,
he was so real.
142
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:27,311
Can you imagine what
it must have been like
143
00:07:27,312 --> 00:07:29,013
To really be
married to elvis?
144
00:07:29,014 --> 00:07:31,349
And to have his baby.
145
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:33,451
But steve's
just as good.
146
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,153
[both laugh]
147
00:07:37,356 --> 00:07:39,823
See, peggy,
washing isn't so bad.
148
00:07:39,824 --> 00:07:41,359
Yeah, you could
be right.
149
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:42,427
It's a lot better
150
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,163
Than just throwing
these clothes away.
151
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:49,133
Gee, you can use them
again and again.
152
00:07:49,134 --> 00:07:51,335
Marcy, this is remarkable.
153
00:07:51,336 --> 00:07:53,871
You got all the yellow out.
154
00:07:53,872 --> 00:07:57,808
Al's t-shirts
are gray again.
155
00:07:57,809 --> 00:08:00,878
And all the stains
are gone.
156
00:08:00,879 --> 00:08:03,881
Oh, except
for this one.
157
00:08:03,882 --> 00:08:04,882
Give me that.
158
00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:08,819
Oh, my god.
159
00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:10,020
Oh, don't worry, marce.
160
00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:12,823
The numbing in the fingers
is only temporary.
161
00:08:12,824 --> 00:08:15,025
It's caused by
the special oils and spices
162
00:08:15,026 --> 00:08:17,027
In al's body.
163
00:08:17,028 --> 00:08:18,729
No, peggy.
164
00:08:18,730 --> 00:08:20,698
Look at the stain.
165
00:08:20,699 --> 00:08:23,334
It's the king.
166
00:08:23,335 --> 00:08:25,336
Yeah, it's a good one,
167
00:08:25,337 --> 00:08:28,106
But by no means
one of al's best.
168
00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:31,242
No, look at
the shape of it.
169
00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:32,710
It's elvis' face.
170
00:08:32,711 --> 00:08:37,415
Al sweated elvis.
171
00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:38,916
It does look like him.
172
00:08:38,917 --> 00:08:39,984
It is him.
173
00:08:39,985 --> 00:08:41,519
It's a sign.
174
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:42,920
You did see elvis.
175
00:08:42,921 --> 00:08:43,988
You've been chosen.
176
00:08:43,989 --> 00:08:48,926
Elvis is alive
in al's underwear.
177
00:08:48,927 --> 00:08:53,731
Poor elvis.
178
00:08:53,732 --> 00:08:56,501
First vegas and now this.
179
00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:57,901
Let's see what else he sweat.
180
00:08:59,471 --> 00:09:00,605
You know, marce,
181
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:02,706
I've always wondered
why al was born,
182
00:09:02,707 --> 00:09:04,375
Now it's so clear.
183
00:09:04,376 --> 00:09:07,978
Al's armpits are the doorway
to another dimension.
184
00:09:10,215 --> 00:09:12,250
Quick, al, raise your arms.
185
00:09:13,585 --> 00:09:14,619
Quick, al, lower them.
186
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:21,091
It's death, all right,
but nobody we know.
187
00:09:21,092 --> 00:09:23,927
The rest of this stuff
is clean. Damn it.
188
00:09:23,928 --> 00:09:25,796
Excuse me, uh, peg,
189
00:09:25,797 --> 00:09:28,332
But much like I said
on our honeymoon,
190
00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:30,301
What's happening here?
191
00:09:30,302 --> 00:09:33,471
Look, al.
You sweated elvis.
192
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:35,906
Peg, if elvis was married
to you, he'd sweat me.
193
00:09:35,907 --> 00:09:37,241
What's your point, peg?
194
00:09:37,242 --> 00:09:41,612
Honest, honey,
you sweated elvis presley.
195
00:09:41,613 --> 00:09:44,315
You know, you may have
the brains of a shoe salesman,
196
00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:47,552
But you have the pores
of michelangelo.
197
00:09:47,553 --> 00:09:49,453
Al, do you know
what this means?
198
00:09:49,454 --> 00:09:52,256
That the tough part of my day
is not over yet?
199
00:09:52,257 --> 00:09:56,194
No, al, it means I really did
see elvis in the mall.
200
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,495
It means he is alive,
201
00:09:57,496 --> 00:10:00,064
And it means
he's trying to contact me.
202
00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:04,402
Oh, honey, I finally understand
the real purpose of my life.
203
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:06,470
It's to use you.
204
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:10,508
Not as I have been,
205
00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:13,411
But as an extension cord
to the king.
206
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:16,614
He's alive!
He's alive!
207
00:10:16,615 --> 00:10:17,881
She saw him!
208
00:10:17,882 --> 00:10:19,650
You wanna
see elvis?
209
00:10:19,651 --> 00:10:21,219
I'll show you elvis.
210
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:34,565
Now that we've seen elvis
and felt his presence,
211
00:10:34,566 --> 00:10:35,799
Let's honor him
212
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,735
By doing something
he really loved to do:
213
00:10:37,736 --> 00:10:39,303
Eat dinner.
214
00:10:40,939 --> 00:10:44,308
Now, I'm going to do something
that al bundy loves to do.
215
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,451
Oh, uh...
216
00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:57,755
I'll let you know
if I conjure up any superstars.
217
00:11:03,061 --> 00:11:04,828
Heathen.
218
00:11:04,829 --> 00:11:06,731
Don't let anyone
touch that shirt.
219
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:08,666
The world must know.
220
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,968
I'm going to call
my elvis fan club hotline.
221
00:11:10,969 --> 00:11:12,136
Then what will happen?
222
00:11:12,137 --> 00:11:14,572
They may send a representative.
223
00:11:15,607 --> 00:11:18,909
[murmuring indistinctly]
224
00:11:24,849 --> 00:11:26,651
Get your dogs!
225
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:30,521
Get your elvis "you ain't
nothin' but a hound" dogs!
226
00:11:30,522 --> 00:11:32,723
I'll take 10.
227
00:11:32,724 --> 00:11:34,825
And then
elvis said to me,
228
00:11:34,826 --> 00:11:38,562
[southern accent]
"peggy, I could've talked
through anyone,
229
00:11:38,563 --> 00:11:40,364
"but I chose you,
230
00:11:40,365 --> 00:11:43,967
"because I like a woman
with tall hair."
231
00:11:44,969 --> 00:11:46,069
[sighs]
232
00:11:47,839 --> 00:11:51,041
And then we held hands.
233
00:11:51,042 --> 00:11:52,777
This one.
234
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:53,744
[gasps, sighs]
235
00:11:59,818 --> 00:12:02,720
And then,
as if the kiss wasn't enough,
236
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:05,122
Elvis gave me a massage.
237
00:12:05,123 --> 00:12:06,624
Oh.
Ooh.
238
00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:10,328
Uh, peggy,
can I see you a minute?
239
00:12:12,964 --> 00:12:14,965
Did he really
give you a massage?
240
00:12:14,966 --> 00:12:17,635
Well, it was more like
he kind of bumped into me,
241
00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:19,737
But, you know,
when you're married to al,
242
00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:22,039
That is a massage.
243
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,941
Go on, go on.
244
00:12:23,942 --> 00:12:26,577
Well, then he said,
"leave your husband.
245
00:12:26,578 --> 00:12:29,547
"he ain't nothin'
but a hound dog.
246
00:12:29,548 --> 00:12:30,848
"come with me,
247
00:12:30,849 --> 00:12:34,251
"and we'll enjoy a life
of fast living, fast cars
248
00:12:34,252 --> 00:12:36,053
And fast food."
249
00:12:36,054 --> 00:12:38,556
He actually said that?
250
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:42,760
Well, his exact words were,
"excuse me, ma'am,"
251
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:45,429
But it was the way he said it.
252
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:48,131
Oh, I envy you, peggy.
253
00:12:48,132 --> 00:12:49,500
My only brush with destiny
254
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:52,403
Was when clark gable
came to me in a dream and said,
255
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:55,973
"keep your own teeth
as long as you can."
256
00:12:55,974 --> 00:12:59,677
Then steve's stupid appendix
burst, and I woke up.
257
00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:01,111
That's steve for you.
258
00:13:01,112 --> 00:13:03,814
Now every time I see that scar,
I think what might have been.
259
00:13:03,815 --> 00:13:07,418
Come on, marcy, snap out of it.
260
00:13:07,419 --> 00:13:09,854
Clark gable is dead.
261
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:11,722
Let's get back to the living.
262
00:13:11,723 --> 00:13:13,123
Now, when elvis comes for me--
263
00:13:13,124 --> 00:13:14,692
Uh, pardon me.
264
00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:17,060
Could you please show us again
how elvis sneered
265
00:13:17,061 --> 00:13:20,030
When he found out
your husband sold shoes?
266
00:13:20,031 --> 00:13:22,533
Excuse me, marcy, my public.
267
00:13:27,205 --> 00:13:30,374
Aw, god, what a miserable day.
268
00:13:30,375 --> 00:13:31,942
Peg, want to get me a beer?
269
00:13:31,943 --> 00:13:33,277
[sighs]
270
00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:34,177
Peg--
271
00:13:39,984 --> 00:13:42,319
Will somebody talk to me here?
272
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,188
Sure, daddy.
Get up and go away.
273
00:13:45,189 --> 00:13:46,824
The webstocks are on
our package deal,
274
00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:48,225
Which includes
a tour of the grounds
275
00:13:48,226 --> 00:13:49,427
And priority seating.
276
00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:50,661
So why don't you go upstairs
277
00:13:50,662 --> 00:13:52,329
And make change
for the pay toilet?
278
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,899
I'm myra webstock.
279
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,467
We're up from tecumseh, iowa.
280
00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:59,303
Don't you just love elvis?
281
00:13:59,304 --> 00:14:01,972
Get out!
282
00:14:01,973 --> 00:14:05,042
Daddy, be nice.
283
00:14:05,043 --> 00:14:06,076
Don't you understand?
284
00:14:06,077 --> 00:14:07,478
We're competing with
graceland here.
285
00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:08,946
Go to your room.
286
00:14:08,947 --> 00:14:13,250
I can't, dad.
That's our heartbreak hotel.
287
00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:18,121
Why is it that elvis is dead,
and I'm the one in hell?
288
00:14:18,122 --> 00:14:21,659
You know, the woman in denver
who saw elvis in her eggs
289
00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:24,227
Was much nicer.
290
00:14:24,228 --> 00:14:25,863
Everyone...
291
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:27,498
Everyone,
I want you to meet the man
292
00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:29,500
That sweated elvis--
293
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:35,473
My husband,
the man with the golden gland.
294
00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:37,140
[doorbell rings]
295
00:14:42,046 --> 00:14:44,081
Hi there. I'm ollie.
296
00:14:44,082 --> 00:14:45,082
I'm lew.
297
00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:46,416
We're with 20th century shrines.
298
00:14:46,417 --> 00:14:48,352
That's for me, dad.
299
00:14:48,353 --> 00:14:51,321
Bundy's the name,
bilking the public's my game.
300
00:14:51,322 --> 00:14:53,791
Well, we have
your order right here.
301
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,092
Let's see...
302
00:14:55,093 --> 00:14:56,694
"two gross
of skinny elvis pens,
303
00:14:56,695 --> 00:14:57,728
Mm-hmmm.
Yep.
304
00:14:57,729 --> 00:15:00,464
"two gross
of fat elvis pens,
305
00:15:00,465 --> 00:15:02,733
1000 rolls of love me tender
toilet paper."
306
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:03,901
Yep.
307
00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:05,068
Wait a second.
308
00:15:05,069 --> 00:15:06,670
Where's my jailhouse rock
shower soap?
309
00:15:06,671 --> 00:15:08,739
Uh...We're out.
Big prison order.
310
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:09,707
Damn!
311
00:15:14,379 --> 00:15:16,614
Dad, could you raise
both your arms?
312
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:18,415
The webstocks want to
put each of their heads
313
00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:21,752
Under there
for a picture.
314
00:15:21,753 --> 00:15:23,353
There's five bucks
in it for you.
315
00:15:23,354 --> 00:15:26,323
Is there no pride
left in this family?
316
00:15:26,324 --> 00:15:27,992
And then I said,
317
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:30,494
"hey, elvis. Tell me true,
318
00:15:30,495 --> 00:15:34,197
Who do you like better,
priscilla or me?"
319
00:15:34,198 --> 00:15:37,401
And he raised his head up
from that pizza,
320
00:15:37,402 --> 00:15:39,403
And with pepperoni
on his breath,
321
00:15:39,404 --> 00:15:42,305
He sang this to me:
322
00:15:42,306 --> 00:15:45,442
♪ well, since my baby left me ♪
323
00:15:45,443 --> 00:15:48,345
♪ I've found a new place
to dwell ♪
324
00:15:48,346 --> 00:15:49,914
♪ it's down
at the end-- ♪
325
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,114
Dad, dad, dad,
here's a quarter.
326
00:15:51,115 --> 00:15:52,115
Throw it at mom,
327
00:15:52,116 --> 00:15:53,551
We'll get
the ball rolling.
328
00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:55,586
Kids, don't you see
what you're doing here?
329
00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:59,857
You're taking money
off of hard-working morons.
330
00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:02,793
How are you gonna
sleep at night?
331
00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:04,895
Well, we could always
rest our heads on this.
332
00:16:04,896 --> 00:16:06,096
[car horn honks]
333
00:16:06,097 --> 00:16:07,097
[gasps]
334
00:16:07,098 --> 00:16:08,198
They're here!
335
00:16:08,199 --> 00:16:09,600
They're here!
336
00:16:10,735 --> 00:16:12,002
Peg, what are you doing?
337
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:13,503
You know I had a hard day.
338
00:16:13,504 --> 00:16:16,473
All I want is some peace,
a meal and some hemlock.
339
00:16:16,474 --> 00:16:17,908
Is that too much to ask?
340
00:16:17,909 --> 00:16:20,277
Boy, you just can't stand
341
00:16:20,278 --> 00:16:22,279
Not being the center
of attention.
342
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,014
It's finally
my moment in the sun,
343
00:16:24,015 --> 00:16:27,551
And here you are,
mr. Total eclipse.
344
00:16:27,552 --> 00:16:29,119
What could elvis
have been thinking
345
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,221
When he sweated himself
through you?
346
00:16:31,222 --> 00:16:32,489
Well, it was probably
347
00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:34,491
One of those spontaneous,
happy-go-lucky things
348
00:16:34,492 --> 00:16:36,193
That dead guys do.
349
00:16:36,194 --> 00:16:38,161
All right, everybody,
announcement.
350
00:16:38,162 --> 00:16:39,162
Announcement.
351
00:16:39,163 --> 00:16:40,497
This is my home.
352
00:16:40,498 --> 00:16:42,332
And I want everybody to get--
353
00:16:42,333 --> 00:16:43,634
Peggy...
354
00:16:43,635 --> 00:16:44,802
I'd like you to meet
355
00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:48,038
The national academy
of elvis impersonators.
356
00:16:49,741 --> 00:16:51,609
Howdy, ma'am.
357
00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:54,845
Howdy, ma'am.
358
00:16:56,648 --> 00:16:58,215
Howdy, ma'am.
359
00:17:02,754 --> 00:17:04,321
Howdy, ma'am.
360
00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:09,860
[together]
howdy, ma'am.
361
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:17,234
Look, al, elvii.
362
00:17:20,071 --> 00:17:22,906
Peg, I'm going to say this
as plainly as I can:
363
00:17:22,907 --> 00:17:25,142
It's either elvis or me.
364
00:17:25,143 --> 00:17:26,443
Now, what's it gonna be?
365
00:17:34,519 --> 00:17:35,953
[bangs]
366
00:17:35,954 --> 00:17:37,955
8:00, bundy!
367
00:17:37,956 --> 00:17:40,824
Thanks, clyde.
368
00:17:43,528 --> 00:17:45,428
Ahhh...
369
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:47,464
[knocks]
370
00:17:54,005 --> 00:17:55,973
Where the hell were you
last night, steve?
371
00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:58,375
I banged on your door
for 15 minutes.
372
00:17:58,376 --> 00:18:00,243
I was looking
for a place to stay.
373
00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:02,046
Why didn't you stay
at the elvis tent city
374
00:18:02,047 --> 00:18:04,682
That sprang up on my lawn?
375
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:06,817
Let me get to the point
of my visit, al.
376
00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:08,485
I'm suing you.
377
00:18:08,486 --> 00:18:09,753
My wife won't leave
your house.
378
00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:12,690
Well, neither will mine,
but they threw me out of court.
379
00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:17,061
This elvis thing
is ruining my life.
380
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:20,297
I used to have a wife
that enjoyed my company.
381
00:18:20,298 --> 00:18:22,299
We'd come home from work,
we'd talk, we'd laugh,
382
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,367
We'd share
little banking anecdotes.
383
00:18:24,368 --> 00:18:25,869
That was before...
384
00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:29,272
Your wife and your sweat stain
ruined my life.
385
00:18:29,273 --> 00:18:30,974
Now marcy's at your house,
386
00:18:30,975 --> 00:18:33,343
And it's pretty difficult
to discuss supply-side economics
387
00:18:33,344 --> 00:18:35,913
With a woman who's riding
on the shoulders of a black man,
388
00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:37,314
Singing "viva las vegas".
389
00:18:39,217 --> 00:18:41,018
So, what's your beef, steve?
390
00:18:41,019 --> 00:18:42,986
I want my wife back.
391
00:18:42,987 --> 00:18:45,589
Steve, if it was up to me,
you'd have your wife back,
392
00:18:45,590 --> 00:18:46,890
And mine too,
393
00:18:46,891 --> 00:18:48,258
But it's not up to me.
394
00:18:48,259 --> 00:18:51,195
Our women
have gone insane.
395
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,529
And I've learned,
396
00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:53,997
Much like when they're shopping,
sick or horny...
397
00:18:55,266 --> 00:18:57,300
Best to stay out of their way.
398
00:19:03,174 --> 00:19:06,409
Why is it only women see elvis?
399
00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:10,114
Men at least see ufos,
something useful for mankind.
400
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:13,583
Well, I think we see ufos
because we have to.
401
00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:16,686
It's the only way
we can get outta here.
402
00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:18,188
The only thing
that keeps me going
403
00:19:18,189 --> 00:19:20,924
Is thinking,
one day, a spaceship will land.
404
00:19:20,925 --> 00:19:23,627
Hopefully, on garbage day.
405
00:19:23,628 --> 00:19:29,266
Then, a gorgeous martian
with three big hooters comes out
406
00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:32,136
And says, "I can't speak.
I have no parents,
407
00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:34,738
"and I have no idea
what good sex is.
408
00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:37,440
Hop aboard.
My planet, su planet."
409
00:19:37,441 --> 00:19:40,343
What's the third hooter for?
410
00:19:40,344 --> 00:19:43,380
One on the back for dancing.
411
00:19:50,588 --> 00:19:52,389
You know what the worst part is?
412
00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:54,858
No one dances slow anymore?
413
00:19:54,859 --> 00:19:56,326
[laughs]
414
00:19:56,327 --> 00:19:57,494
No.
415
00:19:57,495 --> 00:19:59,696
It's that there are people
out there
416
00:19:59,697 --> 00:20:01,198
Even dumber than women.
417
00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:02,933
And they're at my house
right now,
418
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:06,270
Buying rides on my couch.
419
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:09,339
Gee, I wish I was
a lowlife con man like my kids,
420
00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:11,942
So I could make some money
off this thing.
421
00:20:11,943 --> 00:20:13,643
Aw, give yourself
some credit, al.
422
00:20:13,644 --> 00:20:14,778
You're low enough,
423
00:20:14,779 --> 00:20:15,846
You're just not
smart enough.
424
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:17,047
Thanks, steve.
425
00:20:17,048 --> 00:20:18,916
Aw, come on,
I'm not telling you anything
426
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:20,217
That peggy hasn't told marcy
427
00:20:20,218 --> 00:20:22,485
And marcy hasn't told me
a thousand times.
428
00:20:22,486 --> 00:20:23,787
Point is
429
00:20:23,788 --> 00:20:27,191
Why should everyone make money
off your sweat but you?
430
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:28,591
And me.
431
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,695
You know what we say
at the bank,
432
00:20:31,696 --> 00:20:35,132
"when opportunity knocks,
that's us foreclosing."
433
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:37,467
We got to get
in on this, al.
434
00:20:37,468 --> 00:20:38,468
Well, I don't know, steve.
435
00:20:38,469 --> 00:20:39,669
My kids got
the market cornered.
436
00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:40,670
They're selling everything.
437
00:20:40,671 --> 00:20:41,805
What's left?
438
00:20:41,806 --> 00:20:43,874
I mean, what really
says "elvis"?
439
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:45,008
Um...
440
00:20:47,011 --> 00:20:48,812
Shoes.
441
00:20:48,813 --> 00:20:50,247
Blue suede shoes.
442
00:20:50,248 --> 00:20:52,916
We can sell blue suede shoes!
443
00:20:52,917 --> 00:20:55,986
Ooh, al, I like it.
I like it.
444
00:20:55,987 --> 00:20:57,754
All right, now...
445
00:20:57,755 --> 00:20:59,556
I'll be the brains
and the money,
446
00:20:59,557 --> 00:21:02,592
And you, you'll be, uh...
447
00:21:02,593 --> 00:21:04,427
Well, you'll be in the way.
Partners?
448
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:09,499
Get your blue suede shoe--
449
00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:15,138
Peg...
450
00:21:15,139 --> 00:21:18,175
What did you do now?
451
00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:19,910
Oh, al.
452
00:21:19,911 --> 00:21:22,346
Something terrible has happened.
453
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:25,382
Elvis was spotted
in youngstown, ohio,
454
00:21:25,383 --> 00:21:29,853
Buying quarter-inch lug nuts
at willie hardware and lumber.
455
00:21:29,854 --> 00:21:33,290
As if the king
would really do that.
456
00:21:33,291 --> 00:21:34,591
Do you know what this means?
457
00:21:34,592 --> 00:21:38,362
Now, I am just
an ordinary woman...
458
00:21:38,363 --> 00:21:40,530
Married to you.
459
00:21:40,531 --> 00:21:42,866
Oh, al, I'm so depressed.
460
00:21:42,867 --> 00:21:44,601
Hold me.
461
00:21:44,602 --> 00:21:47,170
Steve, we've got 700 pairs
of blue suede shoes.
462
00:21:47,171 --> 00:21:48,372
What are we going to do?
463
00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:50,673
Oh, al, I'm so depressed.
464
00:21:50,674 --> 00:21:51,741
Hold me.
465
00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:57,314
People are so stupid.
466
00:21:57,315 --> 00:22:01,151
Elvis didn't say
a thing to me about ohio.
467
00:22:01,152 --> 00:22:03,921
He probably found out
I had children.
468
00:22:03,922 --> 00:22:07,490
I knew those kids
would ruin my life.
469
00:22:07,491 --> 00:22:09,993
Look, I'm gonna drive
down to youngstown
470
00:22:09,994 --> 00:22:11,861
Right now and straighten
this thing out.
471
00:22:11,862 --> 00:22:14,264
Steve, that's it.
We'll go to youngstown.
472
00:22:14,265 --> 00:22:15,498
You'd do that for me?
473
00:22:15,499 --> 00:22:16,900
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
474
00:22:16,901 --> 00:22:18,035
Sure, peg, right. For you.
475
00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:21,138
Grab the shoes, steve,
let's go!
476
00:22:40,658 --> 00:22:41,758
[♪]
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