Original subtitles

Dad, it looks normal.

Yeah? Well, look harder. I swear I feel a mole.

Do you see what I've got slapped on my peepers?

These are Argus eyes.

If there was anything there, I would see it.

Someone is hitting our door from the outside. Why?

I got no idea.

Excuse me. Why are you hitting our door?

This is a new thing people do with doors.

It's called knocking.

That sounds fun.

You only do it from the outside.

It means you want to come in.

Oh, is it related to the concept

of knocking down the door?

I don't believe it's related to knocking down doors,

and you have to do it in 3s.

There's, like, a million rules

to this stupid thing.

So who are you who has knocked my door?

I am one who knows all,

everything that ever was and ever will be,

for I am Fate, John Fate.

Whoa, a Fate.

I thought the Fates were 3 sisters.

There are many Fates.

The sisters are just the famous ones

because that's what they care about.

No judgment, just, you know, priorities.

Fates are very powerful.

I think we'd better let him in.

Hang on.

How do we know you're a real Fate

and not just some thief who's too lazy to knock down a door?

Good point.

I knew you would ask that.

This guy's legit. Wow.

I'm still not convinced.

I was expecting that response, as well.

It's my burden in life to know what's coming,

and yet I still have to wait for it to happen.

Sorry about your head, by the way.

What? Yah! Ow!

OK. Let him in.

Do not let him in. You know him?

Yes, and I don't want to deal with him.

He's my ex-boyfriend.

No kidding.

Deliria.

Ugh...

♪ Uh! ♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh uh uh whoo! ♪

...and this is where you'll collapse

while choking on a cashew nut.

I won't tell you when it happens.

I could, of course,

but there has to be some mystery in life.

At least that's what I'm told.

Wow.

I've never been given a tour of my own palace before.

You'll be given a kind of tour

when an angry mob puts you up against the wall right there.

I don't want to say why that happens,

but I will say you get out of it by crying.

That tracks. Hey, I got a question.

You probably get this all the time. Am I gonna die?

Yes.

Aw, crap. Why'd I even ask?

All right, so I have a follow-up. When?

Why would you want to know that?

I almost get killed all the time,

and I yell, "Not today!"

It's my thing.

It's the turning point of every battle,

but now that I know I'm gonna die,

I can't say it with the same confidence.

I just want to know when I can use that line and when I can't.

Oh, the policy is, we don't tell people

the time or circumstances of their death--

it just gets messy-- but for special friends,

we're allowed to give you one of these--fate medallion.

You don't eat it, good for 25 yes-or-no questions,

glows green for yes and red for no.

I just picked those colors at random,

but I think they work.

Oh, and it explodes violently after the 25th question,

so remember the rules and be sure to keep track.

Ha ha ha! Sorry. I know you don't.

Well, now I will, right?

Nuts.

You wasted a question on that?

That didn't count, did it?

It did?

I think we're getting off track here

if we don't use this opportunity

to hear embarrassing stories about our mother.

Request denied, and I'm sorry you can't stay.

Oh, I don't leave yet. But you could.

In fact, I cannot because I don't, and that's fated.

Have you learned nothing after all these years,

my little love pumpkin?

Oh, slam!

That's what I'm talking about.

I can see the sexual chemistry is still going strong.

Kudos to you, my good man.

There is no chemistry, sexual or otherwise.

Trust me, he seems fun at first, but it wears thin.

So why are you here, John, to win me back?

Because you must know that doesn't happen.

Or does it?

Ohh!

Does she still have that cute, little sneeze,

the little mouse sneeze?

Drives me mad with desire,

the first two times, anyway.

Did for me, as well.

Interesting fact about sneezes,

they're the one thing I can't predict.

They're completely outside of fate,

unlike, say, broken vases.

Never gets old.

Oh, it does, trust me. The less you engage, the better.

Have you not already had enough of his little parlor trick?

Au contraire. They're just getting started.

They have a million more questions

about you and me back in the day.

I'd love to pound down a few drinks

with the man who took my wife to pound town.

I accept.

...and that was our 16th date,

but let me tell you about that 17th date.

It was a magical night on the island of Crete.

Now, of course, I was the only one who knew the typhoon

would soon destroy the restaurant we were in

and kill the entire staff,

just as I know I'm about to get another glass of wine.

Another wine, please.

It's not fun anymore.

Told ya.

Speaking of not fun, the typhoon killed

over half the population on the island.

Did I warn them? I didn't.

This salad looks much better than it ends up tasting,

and here is where I run to the bathroom to vomit.

Have you all had enough now?

Yes. He's awful.

What in god's name did you ever see in him?

Same thing you all did.

It's exciting to know someone who knows everything,

and then it isn't.

Agreed.

Once he's done puking, I'll ask him to leave.

Oh, here you are.

Listen. Dinner was fun,

but you must know I'm going to kick you out.

Of course.

I'm just dropping off a few things for later.

I have this special pillow. I'm a side sleeper.

I'm confused.

You knew I came in here to kick you out, yes?

How could I have thought anything else?

But it looks like you're moving in.

A lot of things I do don't make sense to people

who don't know the rest of the story.

The rest of the story?

I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of it,

but I leave, yada, yada, some things happen,

and then I end up coming back.

What things happen?

Oh, it doesn't concern you, I mean, yet.

At some point, it will after I marry your mom.

What?

Yes. You're my future stepson. How about that?

Mum and Dad split up?

No. They love each other right to the very end.

Oh, OK. Good, then, but he dies?

OK. Note that I didn't say anything.

You came to it on your own, but, yeah, he dies.

Your mother is sad,

but eventually, she remembers what we had,

and--bingo, bango-- you have a stepdad.

Is there a good place to put this pillow

so no one touches it?

But if you're here now to get back together

with my mum, that must mean Dad is supposed to die soon?

Once again, that's you

doing all the thinky-thinky part.

Anyway, if it makes this any easier on you,

I can take my pillow.

It's just that I know I'm gonna be using it here

when I'm doing it with your mom, and it's kind of bulky.

I mean, it's not heavy but more awkward.

The pillow doesn't matter anymore!

That's what I was trying to explain.

Isn't that weird how something can matter so much and then not?

It reminds me of--

How does he die?

Oh, you know I can't tell you that one.

Anyway, see you at the wedding, son.

Wait, wait. You can't just go.

I can, and I do.

Oh, but now is when I tell you that if you let me stay

and chat with your mother a little bit longer,

I might be willing to spill some details.

Thank you for getting rid of him.

I didn't get rid of him.

We have to let him stay.

What? Oh, he's the worst.

He said that Dad's going to die

and he's going to become our stepfather.

I'll kill him!

Stupe, that wouldn't change things.

You don't know that.

Would it change things if I killed the guy?

Are you lying?

Stupe, he said that he might be willing to tell us

how dad dies if he can talk to Mum.

I'm pretty sure I know how I die,

and it involves no less than 75 very randy horses.

You're not dying, not today.

You see how fun that is to say?

Mum, I know you don't like him.

I know you don't want to talk to him,

but if you can get him to tell us how Dad dies,

we'll at least have a chance of stopping it.

Just lock up the prettiest horses.

I'll tell you which ones.

I'll talk to him. Ohh...

John, I know you can hear me.

I'm sorry I gave you a hard time before.

I would love to catch up.

Knew it, love to hear it.

Sorry about the bad news, by the way.

I never know what to say in these circumstances.

"Sorry" sounds bad, but, you know, sorry.

Here. This is the wine he likes.

We don't need wine.

I'm just going to torture him

until he gives us the information we need.

No, Mum.

The Fates are powerful supernatural beings,

cosmic and mortal.

This guy is at least as powerful as you are.

You're going to have to flirt, to charm,

to seduce it out of him.

Oh, if that's the case,

I'll need a hell of a lot more wine than that.

There we go. Now tart it up, boobs out.

Give me that pouty mouth you do so well.

What you're selling here is sex.

Uh, Ty, you OK?

Hippo, my dad is fated to die today.

Do you honestly think I'm thinking

about having sex with my mother?

You're talking about it.

You wouldn't be the first.

There's no time to unpack it.

Just watch Dad and keep him alive.

I'll watch Mum seduce John Fate.

We won't let you down, right?

I'm starting to really not like you, tiny medallion.

I'm so glad we get to spend more time together.

What's this about Shlub dying?

Whoa, whoa. Let's slow down.

"Hi, John. How are you?

What have you been up to since we broke up?"

"Oh, I'm glad you asked.

I've taken up rock climbing. What a workout."

You really think I would have that conversation?

No. I knew you wouldn't.

I just wanted you to know how cool I am now.

Well, the joke's on you

because I don't think rock climbing is cool at all.

The gear is cool.

Just tell us!

Oh, I will tell you, just not yet.

I'm not waiting. Rrgh... yah!

OK. Get it out of your system.

You know I know where each of these things is going, right?

You know, you can never actually hit me with one.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Heh heh heh.

I'm just thinking about the fact

that you eventually get too tired to shoot.

I don't get tired.

Tell me what happens to my husband.

Raagh...

Oh. I didn't know that could happen.

I didn't, either, but I knew that it would,

so let's--oh!

Fine. We'll try the torture approach.

Are you sure that's not how I die?

Like, sure sure?

You're gonna waste all your questions.

Dad, why do you have so many daggers?

I'm learning to juggle. Mm!

Not tonight you aren't.

Are you planning to help make this place safe?

I don't know.

I'm starting to think about what you said,

and it's causing the top of my body to hurt a little bit.

Like, if something's fated to happen, it's gonna happen,

and that includes us trying to stop it from happening.

Until Ty finds out what's actually gonna happen,

there's nothing we can do, right?

Medallion, you're all right.

Well, now that I see what we're up against,

I'm into the challenge.

I can't let that know-it-all win.

Maybe the fact that we know something is gonna happen

is what will allow us to break him out of that thing happening.

I say we tie him up...

No objections.

and put him on a bed covered in pillows.

Ooh.

What if he rolls over and smothers himself?

Ohh!

Hah!

Aah! Aah!

Whoa!

Is it possible we're doing more harm than good here?

You're right. I'm so stupid.

It was obviously fate for us to know that Dad is gonna die,

which means us being here is a continuance of that fate,

which means that our best bet for breaking that fate

is to leave Dad alone.

Unless that's also part of fate.

Want me to ask the medallion?

No! Dad, stand in the center of the room.

Don't touch anything.

Don't eat anything and don't say anything.

Got it. Help me on with this, will you?

What? No. Don't put that on.

Ah, kinky.

We'll be right outside.

Good-bye, training wheels.

He's awake.

Right on schedule.

You really expect me to believe

you planned for me to knock you out?

I didn't plan it, but it was fated to happen.

I know something else that's fated to happen.

Either you tell me what happens to my husband,

or I pull off all your limbs.

While it's true that you could pull off my limbs,

causing me intense pain

and a lifetime of needing to be helped to the toilet,

torture is not, in fact,

what causes me to spill the secret sauce here.

Then what does?

Because I'm not flirting or seducing you.

You'll have to do nothing of the sort,

my apple-bottomed goddess.

All that's required

is for you to answer a few simple questions.

Fine.

Do you remember the day we went

to that little seaside village?

Yes, John. I do remember that day.

And we danced as the sun went down.

Your mother was such a great dancer.

Do you still dance, Deedee?

Deedee?

You are on thin ice, John.

Just go with me, Deedee.

Yes, Deedee. Go with him.

So you remember the village,

and do you remember what you told me on the beach?

I believe I said it was the greatest day of my life.

Good memory,

and do you also remember saying you loved me?

Yes, I remember saying that,

and I remember you telling me you knew I would say it,

and then I remember you knowing

that the waiter was going to spill your wine.

He's been doing the spill-predicting bit

for that long?

People spill wine a lot. Enough.

I'm driving the conversation here

because that's exactly what happens--

I drive the conversation.

Fine. Drive.

So you admit that you remember

the "I love you, John Fate" part.

What do you want me to say?

I loved you once, and then I didn't.

Now we're getting somewhere.

You loved me, and then you didn't,

but how could that happen?

How could love just go away?

You're a Fate.

You should know it happens all the time.

I'm not asking you if it happens.

I'm asking you how.

Well, I don't know.

So if you don't know, if love can just disappear

like that for no explainable reason that even a goddess

can comprehend, then it's not reliable,

which can only mean that the love

you think you feel for Shlub cannot be trusted.

Why, I suppose it can't.

That's what I wanted to hear you say.

Shlub dies at sunrise.

He's partying on a pontoon boat,

and he falls, gets tangled in a fishing net,

and drowns, but you can't change that.

Falls off a boat and drowns?

But that would mean he gets out of his room.

Let's go. Mum, are you coming?

Your mother has something pretty heavy to think about,

real insightful stuff.

I was playing you, you idiot.

OK, if you say so.

Ah, hello, friend.

Would that I could, but I've made a promise to stay.

Then again, what's a life

where I'm not free to follow butterflies?

Am I torn apart by a big animal?

Little animal?

Oh, wait, little animals.

These are a little specific, don't you think?

I have my methods.

Am I gonna trip on a sword but not fall into it

and instead fall on a poison snake?

But am I on the right track?

Is it one of those super complicated deaths

or one of those mislead deaths?

OK. Now we're getting somewhere.

How many more questions do you have?

15?

Huh!

Oh, no. Shlub!

What was that explosion?

That stupid fate medallion.

We killed Dad. No, you didn't.

You don't know. You weren't here.

No. He doesn't die in an explosion.

That's good news.

He drowns.

He's partying on a pontoon boat and drowns.

Less good news.

We got to get to the harbor!

Well, well, well. Look who's not here.

You said he was on a pontoon boat.

This is the only pontoon boat there is.

On the water, sure.

Ha ha ha!

Shlub!

Family!

Dear lord! Ooh!

Agh!

Oh!

So, Deliria, will you marry me?

Agh!

Deliria and Tyrannis: Shlub!

Uh-uh-uh.

If you just fly over there, everybody dies.

It's actually pretty spectacular if you want to give it a try.

I mean, you don't.

He said he drowns, but clearly he's impaled.

Yeah. Well, yeah.

He's impaled now, but as he loses his strength,

his head sinks into that bucket,

and that's what ends up getting him.

He's not dead yet?

No, but you don't make it in time.

Come on. What are we missing?

If we're missing it,

it's fate that we're missing it.

He knows everything, and it's all predetermined.

But what if we knew what was predetermined

as it was being determined?

Then we could determine a new path, one where Dad lives.

To do that, we'd have to be a Fate.

There has to be some kind of loophole here.

There's no loophole, I assure you.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe this is how I lose him.

Wait a minute.

What was that earlier about sneezes?

That the third one is annoying?

He's not wrong.

No, that they're unpredictable.

Right, and I know something else about sneezes.

If you don't close your eyes when you sneeze, they pop out.

That's not just a myth?

It is not a myth, and don't ask me how I know

unless you want to get into a whole thing

about medical ethics, which I don't.

I'm not asking.

You shot me a look.

Mom, can you rustle up some pepper?

It makes people sneeze.

You know a lot about sneezing.

I did a deep dive, and thank god I did!

Mom, pepper!

Here.

The loss of blood is what makes him lose consciousness,

but it's really the water in the lungs that--

Got them.

That's not what's supposed to happen.

You exploited the sneeze.

Almost like fate can be changed.

Argus eyes out, Fate eyes in.

Wait. What?

Is it working?

I see what I'm going to do,

which means we can do something else.

Mum, take us that way.

No, not a raptor. The raptor crashes.

Ty, what are you seeing?

We get stuck in the marketplace.

Split up and take the alleys. Mum, no flying.

I have to do this on foot like an animal?

And this is gonna work?

We just know the fated way doesn't,

so we have to do things exactly the way we don't.

Let's go.

OK.

Stupe, right, right!

It's working. Our fates are changing.

So do we save Dad?

Not yet.

We need to keep changing our fates until we do.

Hippo, take the alleys instead of those stairs,

and Stupe, get to the rooftop.

Huh!

Yah!

Yah!

Running out of time here.

I'm shuffling fates as fast as I can.

Hang on, Dad!

Huh! Huh! Hngh! Aah!

Ty, no. No. No no no no!

Noooooo!

We did it. He survives!

Not today!

And...

What the--

Oh, thank you. I'm so lucky you were all here.

Mm.

We were meant to be.

Aha, leading me into a pet shop,

just as I knew you would.

Dude, we know you don't have your eyes.

You think I need my eyes to see fate?

That reminds me, sorry about stepping on your foot.

There are a lot of reasons I'm glad

this guy isn't gonna be our stepdad.

You don't say. Here are your eyes back.

So, John Fate, for the first time in your life,

you can't say you knew that would happen.

Are you kidding?

I knew it would play out just like this.

What? Then why did you say it wouldn't?

I had to try because I was fated to try,

and I knew I would fail, but I also knew

I would convince myself that I wouldn't fail,

which I knew wouldn't work, but in addition,

I knew that I would ignore the voice in my head

saying, "John, don't,"

which I knew would ultimately be my undoing.

You're actually pathetic.

You think I don't know that?

I don't think it's pathetic at all.

I think you're a true romantic,

but if you ever try to woo my wife again,

I'll cut you to ribbons.

I know, and it hurts like hell.

Where have you been?

Nowhere. Just out.

It was rhetorical.

We know you were trying to get back with her.

So what if I was?

Lachesis and Clotho: Ohh...

Man, you got to cut this off.

It's never gonna work out between you two.

I can hope.

I wasn't stating an opinion.

You die alone. He dies alone.

Yeah. The middle part's nothing special, either.

The best is already over, to be honest.

Just stay out of it, OK?

You're gonna have a lot of other relationships

in your life... fail.

Yah! Yagh!

Thank you. I'll be in my room.

Ugh, he's always been like this.

And always will be.

Guess we just drink it ourselves.

He dies alone.

Dan Harmon: Did you get any of that?

Bento.