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1
00:00:02,606 --> 00:00:04,509
Doris: Oh!
You're leaving again, Larry?
2
00:00:04,576 --> 00:00:06,547
Larry: Doris, I'm a traveling
sex salesman.
3
00:00:06,681 --> 00:00:07,950
It's right there in the name.
4
00:00:08,050 --> 00:00:10,421
Now, stop voicing your opinion.
It's the fifties.
5
00:00:10,488 --> 00:00:13,259
We should be hating Elvis
on a bulbous TV.
6
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,998
Doris: You're right, dear.
I'm sorry.
7
00:00:16,098 --> 00:00:17,936
How's your Salisbury steak?
8
00:00:18,002 --> 00:00:19,239
Larry: Chewy, like all dowdy
9
00:00:19,339 --> 00:00:21,109
housewife meals at this time.
10
00:00:21,242 --> 00:00:23,146
But something's different.
11
00:00:23,213 --> 00:00:26,119
Doris: Maybe that's...
the poison.
12
00:00:26,186 --> 00:00:29,124
[Larry coughing]
Where are my cigarettes?
13
00:00:29,225 --> 00:00:30,260
They'll fix this!
14
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,563
Doris: Of course they will.
15
00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:32,999
They fix everything!
16
00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:34,970
Which is why I threw them away!
17
00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:37,107
So I could watch you die!
18
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:38,744
I cook your food,
I clean your house,
19
00:00:38,844 --> 00:00:41,617
I lay there completely still
while you have sex with me.
20
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:45,524
And all I ask is that you
acknowledge what I do for you.
21
00:00:45,591 --> 00:00:49,699
Larry: Damn Elvis' pelvis! Aah!
[Thud]
22
00:00:49,733 --> 00:00:51,837
Doris: Hope you had a nice trip!
23
00:00:51,971 --> 00:00:54,843
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
24
00:00:55,010 --> 00:00:58,283
Great 48 states!
I poisoned the wine, too!
25
00:00:58,349 --> 00:00:59,753
Uhh.
[Glass shatters]
26
00:00:59,853 --> 00:01:02,124
[Theme music plays]
27
00:01:21,863 --> 00:01:24,636
[Explosion]
[Alarm beeping]
28
00:01:24,770 --> 00:01:25,805
Huh!
29
00:01:26,673 --> 00:01:27,876
[Beeping stops]
30
00:01:28,009 --> 00:01:29,344
Flute: My ice cream was
too frozen, so, I
31
00:01:29,445 --> 00:01:30,447
tried using the microwave
to heat up
32
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:32,017
a metal spoon to cut through it.
33
00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:33,319
Don't worry.
I can fix it.
34
00:01:33,453 --> 00:01:35,057
Do you have a screwdriver
I can heat up?
35
00:01:35,157 --> 00:01:36,392
Harmony: Ugh, I should have
married my stalker.
36
00:01:36,527 --> 00:01:37,762
Uhh!
37
00:01:38,697 --> 00:01:41,737
Ugh. God, having you live here
is such a nightmare.
38
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:43,775
Flute: You think I like living
in your basement for free?
39
00:01:43,908 --> 00:01:45,411
I hardly get any Wi-Fi
down there.
40
00:01:45,545 --> 00:01:47,180
It crapped out halfway through
Naomi Campbell's
41
00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:49,151
Masterclass on
Modeling Fundamentals.
42
00:01:49,284 --> 00:01:50,588
Harmony: Well, you could
move out.
43
00:01:50,722 --> 00:01:52,626
But that won't happen
because you are not,
44
00:01:52,759 --> 00:01:54,195
and never will be, an adult.
45
00:01:54,295 --> 00:01:55,598
Flute: I can leave? Great.
46
00:01:55,732 --> 00:01:57,602
I was only here
to help you with Stain.
47
00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,740
Wait. Is that his name?
Is Stain even a name?
48
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,376
I guess anything can
be a name these days.
49
00:02:01,476 --> 00:02:03,580
God, I'm glad I'm not a parent.
50
00:02:04,717 --> 00:02:06,921
Stan: Dad, can you pass out
on my arm
51
00:02:07,054 --> 00:02:09,225
while telling me about
a gruesome murder?
52
00:02:09,359 --> 00:02:11,597
Flute: Sorry. I can't.
Your mom thinks
I'm not an adult,
53
00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:14,201
so, I gotta move out
to make her eat farts.
54
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,538
You're the man of the house now.
55
00:02:15,605 --> 00:02:17,441
Stan: Uh, are you sure
that's a good idea?
56
00:02:17,575 --> 00:02:19,779
I'm still only allowed to bathe
in 4 inches of water.
57
00:02:19,879 --> 00:02:23,220
Flute: You'll be fine.
It all comes down to one rule:
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00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,257
never admit you made a mistake.
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00:02:25,324 --> 00:02:26,960
Good-bye, Stain.
60
00:02:27,094 --> 00:02:30,100
[Snaps fingers]
[Disco music playing]
61
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,670
Aah!
[Thud]
62
00:02:31,837 --> 00:02:33,674
I only got half the class!
63
00:02:34,475 --> 00:02:37,214
Mr. Flesh: Way to go,
Stan of the house!
64
00:02:37,314 --> 00:02:39,351
Ooh, it seems
you've messed your pants.
65
00:02:39,485 --> 00:02:41,690
Let me draw you a shallow bath.
66
00:02:42,792 --> 00:02:44,362
Martinez: Summers!
Where's your partner?
67
00:02:44,428 --> 00:02:45,664
It's already 9:30 and he
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00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:48,069
hasn't insulted me yet.
I'm insulted.
69
00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:49,371
Flute: Can you keep it down?
70
00:02:49,472 --> 00:02:51,209
I'm not done with
my dream journal.
71
00:02:51,276 --> 00:02:52,378
"Attacked by a pasta goblin."
72
00:02:52,478 --> 00:02:53,614
What do you think that means?
73
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,383
Martinez: Are you living
under your desk?
74
00:02:55,484 --> 00:02:57,254
Flute: No, I am crashing
under my desk.
75
00:02:57,387 --> 00:03:00,661
Harmony kicked me out for,
get this, not being an adult.
76
00:03:00,762 --> 00:03:03,467
[Sniffs] Hmm.
Kang: Pay up, Martinez.
77
00:03:03,534 --> 00:03:05,471
I told you he'd be homeless
before the year was out.
78
00:03:05,538 --> 00:03:07,643
Flute: Wait.
You bet on my personal life?
79
00:03:07,809 --> 00:03:10,380
Kang: Oh, yeah. Your divorce
paid for my parka.
80
00:03:10,515 --> 00:03:12,519
I parlayed it
with your mental breakdown.
81
00:03:12,686 --> 00:03:14,421
Flute: I expected more
of you, Martinez.
82
00:03:14,523 --> 00:03:16,159
In lieu of an apology,
I will let you
83
00:03:16,259 --> 00:03:17,662
let me stay at your place.
84
00:03:17,729 --> 00:03:20,033
Martinez: I got 5 kids.
Don't need a sixth.
85
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,937
Or the fourth one, really.
86
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:23,741
Flute: Hey, Wynona, you're
young, so I assume you live
87
00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:25,579
in a loft with 5 never-at-
their-job roommates
88
00:03:25,679 --> 00:03:27,649
of various ethnicities
and comedic archetypes.
89
00:03:27,682 --> 00:03:30,789
What's one more?
I can be the cute one
and the slutty one.
90
00:03:30,889 --> 00:03:32,559
Wynona: Sorry, but they're
already mad at me
91
00:03:32,659 --> 00:03:34,963
for using the living room
as a mini-morgue.
92
00:03:35,030 --> 00:03:36,298
I'm the weird one.
93
00:03:37,435 --> 00:03:38,871
Flute: What about you,
Summers, old pal?
94
00:03:39,005 --> 00:03:40,440
Best partner a guy
could ask for,
95
00:03:40,508 --> 00:03:42,144
and next person
in my field of vision.
96
00:03:42,210 --> 00:03:44,182
Summers: My prayers
have been answered.
97
00:03:44,315 --> 00:03:46,052
Thank you, Cyborg Jesus!
98
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,689
You want the top bunk
or the bottom?
99
00:03:47,856 --> 00:03:50,427
Flute: Hard thick pass.
What about you, Kang?
100
00:03:50,562 --> 00:03:52,064
Kang: I'm a grown ass immortal.
101
00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,168
I stopped having roommates
in my 200s.
102
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:55,403
Maybe you should, too.
103
00:03:55,504 --> 00:03:56,807
Flute: Fine. I'll find
my own place
104
00:03:56,874 --> 00:03:59,111
and prove I'm a better adult
than any of you.
105
00:03:59,178 --> 00:04:01,482
See? Perfectly dry.
106
00:04:05,457 --> 00:04:07,261
Mr. Flesh: Hmm.
You're really taking this
107
00:04:07,361 --> 00:04:09,265
man of the house
thing seriously.
108
00:04:09,365 --> 00:04:10,701
Stan: I don't understand bills.
109
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:12,471
Do you know
how to write a check?
110
00:04:12,605 --> 00:04:14,175
Mr. Flesh: Sorry. I only
know how to forge 'em.
111
00:04:14,342 --> 00:04:16,714
[Knocking on door]
112
00:04:16,847 --> 00:04:19,753
Boone: Hey, young fella, is
the man of the house around,
113
00:04:19,819 --> 00:04:21,322
or are you home alone?
114
00:04:21,389 --> 00:04:22,592
Stan: I'm the man of the house.
115
00:04:22,725 --> 00:04:25,932
Boone: Oh, that's good.
That's very good.
116
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,267
See you around.
117
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,773
Stan: What a nice, unshaven man.
118
00:04:29,873 --> 00:04:32,210
Mr. Flesh: That guy was
clearly casing the joint.
119
00:04:32,310 --> 00:04:33,915
Stan: Oh.
Maybe I should tell Mom.
120
00:04:34,015 --> 00:04:35,918
Mr. Flesh: No! You're the man
of the house now.
121
00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:38,456
Men only confide in
bartenders and barbers
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00:04:38,591 --> 00:04:40,528
who later blab it
to other customers.
123
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:42,431
Admittedly,
it's a broken system,
124
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,301
but this we can handle.
125
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,205
[School bell rings]
126
00:04:46,338 --> 00:04:47,474
[Door opens]
127
00:04:47,541 --> 00:04:48,777
Flute: Pentos,
I need your help.
128
00:04:48,878 --> 00:04:51,750
Pentos: Oh! A bomb scare
at City Hall?
129
00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:54,523
A mysterious bag
of hitchhikers' thumbs?
130
00:04:54,656 --> 00:04:56,660
A terrorist texting
taunting tidings
131
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,530
and now it's a race
against the clock?
132
00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:00,634
Flute: Harm threw me out.
Can I stay with you?
133
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:03,740
Pentos: It's never the thumbs.
Well, as much as I'd love
134
00:05:03,907 --> 00:05:07,148
to be the Bertram to your Ernie,
the school won't allow it.
135
00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:10,621
But lucky for you, I recently
procured my real estate license
136
00:05:10,755 --> 00:05:13,260
to supplement my poultry income.
137
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,667
And that was not my accent
playing tricks on you.
138
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,138
They pay teachers
in chickens now.
139
00:05:19,205 --> 00:05:20,140
[Chicken clucks]
140
00:05:20,207 --> 00:05:43,453
♪
141
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,958
[Cheering and applause]
142
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,265
Pentos: Oh, this is
your last option.
143
00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:50,668
800 Bless Street.
144
00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:52,506
Flute: Good neighborhood.
Mid-century modern,
145
00:05:52,572 --> 00:05:53,574
just like my miniatures.
146
00:05:53,674 --> 00:05:54,876
Plus the name and number
147
00:05:55,043 --> 00:05:56,279
together spell "Boobless."
148
00:05:56,412 --> 00:05:58,551
This place is a dream.
So, what's the catch?
149
00:05:58,718 --> 00:06:00,755
Pentos: All it says is
the original owners
150
00:06:00,922 --> 00:06:03,159
died of laughter.
151
00:06:03,192 --> 00:06:04,896
And, uh, the last tenant
152
00:06:04,963 --> 00:06:09,271
claimed the house was
haunted of laughter.
153
00:06:09,438 --> 00:06:11,576
I mean, if laughter is
a crime,
154
00:06:11,677 --> 00:06:14,114
then no wonder Matt Rife
is a free man.
155
00:06:14,181 --> 00:06:16,686
Now, let's go sign
the paperwork.
156
00:06:30,882 --> 00:06:34,221
Flute: Ugh. How do you get
hot sauce out of a shirt?
157
00:06:34,354 --> 00:06:36,125
Is it more hot sauce?
158
00:06:36,225 --> 00:06:38,496
I'm useless.
Maybe I'm not an adult.
159
00:06:38,597 --> 00:06:40,735
Uhh!
[Bottle clanks]
160
00:06:40,802 --> 00:06:43,507
Chloe Grace Moretz!
This house is haunted!
161
00:06:44,308 --> 00:06:45,778
Ugh! Who's there?
162
00:06:45,878 --> 00:06:48,283
Doris: I'm Doris.
And like the stain
on your shirt,
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00:06:48,349 --> 00:06:49,753
I can no longer be seen.
164
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:51,623
Flute: So, you're
a friendly ghost like Casper
165
00:06:51,757 --> 00:06:53,493
and not a scary ghost
like Tilda Swinton?
166
00:06:53,627 --> 00:06:56,299
Doris: Say, why aren't you
hightailing it out of here
167
00:06:56,399 --> 00:06:57,635
like everyone else who moves in?
168
00:06:57,702 --> 00:06:59,004
Flute: Because I got
nowhere to go.
169
00:06:59,138 --> 00:07:00,541
And you'll be the one running
once you see
170
00:07:00,641 --> 00:07:02,378
how useless I am
around the house.
171
00:07:02,512 --> 00:07:03,614
Doris: But you're a man.
172
00:07:03,747 --> 00:07:04,983
Why would you need
to do anything?
173
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:06,352
Flute: A man respected for
174
00:07:06,419 --> 00:07:07,788
doing nothing in his own home?
175
00:07:07,889 --> 00:07:09,859
What were those Mad Men
so mad about?
176
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:13,734
Doris: Are you hungry?
A Waldorf salad might be grand.
177
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:16,205
Flute: Hmm. I never
want to leave.
178
00:07:16,272 --> 00:07:19,111
Doris: And you never will.
[Laughs]
179
00:07:19,211 --> 00:07:21,884
Flute: Your laugh is equal parts
creepy and sweet.
180
00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:24,455
Just like this salad
is equal parts
mayonnaise and grapes.
181
00:07:24,590 --> 00:07:26,292
Waldorf must have
been real backed up.
182
00:07:26,359 --> 00:07:28,830
[Laughter]
183
00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:33,473
Stan: The creepy guy is back.
I can't even pay a bill.
184
00:07:33,541 --> 00:07:34,876
How am I supposed
to handle this?
185
00:07:35,010 --> 00:07:36,780
Mr. Flesh: You ever seen
"Home Alone"?
186
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,653
Stan: Well, yeah, but
would that work in real life?
187
00:07:39,753 --> 00:07:41,656
Mr. Flesh: Sure.
If that tiny kid
188
00:07:41,756 --> 00:07:43,761
could be the man of the house
and save the day
189
00:07:43,895 --> 00:07:45,531
by getting emancipated
from his parents
190
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,902
while allegedly dealing with
a crippling drug addiction
191
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,941
that blew through most of his
millions, then so can you.
192
00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:53,380
Stan: Are you saying
I have to do drugs?
193
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,916
Mr. Flesh: Well, nobody has to.
194
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:58,356
Now, let's go find some rope
and paint cans and uppers.
195
00:07:58,456 --> 00:07:59,357
Ha ha ha!
196
00:07:59,458 --> 00:08:04,503
♪
197
00:08:04,636 --> 00:08:08,677
Man: ♪ I love you ♪
198
00:08:08,777 --> 00:08:12,117
♪ Believe me, I love you so ♪
199
00:08:13,587 --> 00:08:18,396
♪ You're the most beautiful
girl in the world ♪
200
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:22,938
♪ Love you more than
you'll ever know ♪
201
00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:30,053
Doris: Oh, Marvin, thank you
so much for trimming my bush.
202
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,692
It hadn't been that full
since the seventies.
203
00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:35,096
Flute: I plucked out all
the stray gray flowers as well.
204
00:08:35,196 --> 00:08:37,635
[Doris giggles]
Flute: Hey, what's behind here?
205
00:08:37,702 --> 00:08:39,205
Doris: It's my lady cave.
206
00:08:39,338 --> 00:08:42,712
Flute: I can't find the opening.
Can you guide me in?
207
00:08:42,845 --> 00:08:44,715
Doris: Just go slowly, Marvin,
would you?
208
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,187
Why, nobody's been
in here for years.
209
00:08:48,423 --> 00:08:49,726
Flute: Bigger than
I thought it would be.
210
00:08:49,859 --> 00:08:50,728
Doris:
Well, I'm sorry I'm not a
211
00:08:50,861 --> 00:08:52,430
perky 25-year-old house.
212
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,435
Ahem. Now, why don't you
lay down
213
00:08:54,603 --> 00:08:55,972
in my silky folds?
214
00:08:56,072 --> 00:08:58,977
Flute: I would,
but I'm not dressed for bed.
215
00:09:00,413 --> 00:09:04,421
And awaaay we go!
Fifties reference.
216
00:09:04,488 --> 00:09:06,024
[Doris giggles]
217
00:09:12,839 --> 00:09:15,712
[Flute groans]
Doris: Oh, Flutie-patootie,
218
00:09:15,878 --> 00:09:18,750
you made this old house
feel like a woman again.
219
00:09:18,884 --> 00:09:20,353
Flute: Now that I've been
in here, maybe we can
220
00:09:20,453 --> 00:09:21,556
try your basement next.
221
00:09:21,623 --> 00:09:22,625
Doris: Oh, no.
222
00:09:22,758 --> 00:09:24,094
I couldn't live with myself
223
00:09:24,161 --> 00:09:26,332
if the women in my
crossed-ankle sitting club
224
00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:27,736
found out about that.
225
00:09:27,802 --> 00:09:28,771
Flute: What if I just
poked my head in?
226
00:09:28,871 --> 00:09:30,908
Doris: No! It gets a bit stinky.
227
00:09:30,974 --> 00:09:33,012
Thank goodness there's
a little vent. Ha!
228
00:09:33,112 --> 00:09:35,851
Anyway, I haven't even
met your friends yet.
229
00:09:35,985 --> 00:09:37,856
Maybe you'd want to
invite them to dinner.
230
00:09:37,989 --> 00:09:39,726
Flute: That's great!
It's the perfect way
to show them
231
00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:41,395
how self-sufficient I am.
232
00:09:41,495 --> 00:09:42,731
Doris: You're quite a man.
233
00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:43,901
Which makes me think
234
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,071
maybe you're ready to go again.
235
00:09:46,205 --> 00:09:48,844
Flute: Ha ha ha! No.
236
00:09:50,179 --> 00:09:52,552
Summers: Look, I hate the idea
of you on the streets.
237
00:09:52,618 --> 00:09:53,754
You should move in with me.
238
00:09:53,887 --> 00:09:55,390
We don't have to share
bunk beds
239
00:09:55,490 --> 00:09:56,491
or braid your hair.
240
00:09:56,626 --> 00:09:57,929
I can just brush it.
241
00:09:58,496 --> 00:10:00,634
Aaagh!
Kang: I rarely use this word,
242
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,170
but...dayum.
243
00:10:02,304 --> 00:10:04,609
Flute: That's right.
I am now a practicing adult.
244
00:10:04,743 --> 00:10:06,078
No "erer" this time.
245
00:10:06,145 --> 00:10:08,617
And I'd like to invite you all
to my adult party.
246
00:10:08,751 --> 00:10:11,021
Wynona: I've never been to
a real dinner party before,
247
00:10:11,154 --> 00:10:13,760
but I've seen plenty through
my ex-boyfriend's window.
248
00:10:13,827 --> 00:10:15,029
Martinez:
Something's fishy here.
249
00:10:15,163 --> 00:10:16,533
Flute: Maybe it's
the Lobster Newburg
250
00:10:16,633 --> 00:10:17,535
I'm making for tonight.
251
00:10:17,669 --> 00:10:18,803
See you then.
252
00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:19,906
Martinez:
There's no way he's gonna
253
00:10:20,039 --> 00:10:21,810
pull this party off, right?
254
00:10:21,910 --> 00:10:23,412
Kang: You wanna bet?
255
00:10:25,016 --> 00:10:27,221
[All shouting at once]
Martinez: OK. I got 50 bucks
256
00:10:27,354 --> 00:10:29,659
that Flute has someone
secretly helping him,
257
00:10:29,793 --> 00:10:32,097
20 on one damn hand towel
in the bathroom,
258
00:10:32,230 --> 00:10:34,569
and give me the under
on oversharing
259
00:10:34,669 --> 00:10:36,071
the size of his morning dooty.
260
00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:37,909
Wynona: My life savings
on the trifecta
261
00:10:37,975 --> 00:10:39,244
of his party playlist being
262
00:10:39,311 --> 00:10:42,418
Pearl Jam, on Pandora, with ads.
263
00:10:42,519 --> 00:10:44,121
Kang: That is your life savings?
264
00:10:44,187 --> 00:10:45,925
Wynona: I put all my money
in Dogecoin because
265
00:10:45,992 --> 00:10:47,862
someone I never met
on Reddit told me to.
266
00:10:47,962 --> 00:10:49,966
I was a billionaire
for 3 hours.
267
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,703
Now I eat mustard sandwiches.
268
00:10:51,837 --> 00:10:53,540
Summers: How can you do this?
269
00:10:53,674 --> 00:10:55,309
Shouldn't we be wishing
our friend the best?
270
00:10:55,409 --> 00:10:57,414
Which in this case would be
moving in with me?
271
00:10:57,582 --> 00:10:59,586
Martinez: He's never moving in
with you.
272
00:10:59,719 --> 00:11:00,855
Summers: You wanna bet?
273
00:11:00,955 --> 00:11:02,123
Kang: That's what we're doing.
274
00:11:02,257 --> 00:11:03,828
Summers: Oh, right.
Then I'll wager
275
00:11:03,928 --> 00:11:06,633
my salary plus the Cuddle Crew.
276
00:11:06,733 --> 00:11:07,735
Kang: You're serious?
277
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:08,703
Summers: More serious
278
00:11:08,804 --> 00:11:09,973
than Mr. Serious.
279
00:11:10,107 --> 00:11:11,843
Vernadette: I'll bet
my Miranda rights
280
00:11:11,943 --> 00:11:15,316
he's using paper towels
for toilet paper.
281
00:11:15,450 --> 00:11:17,053
[Owl hooting]
282
00:11:17,822 --> 00:11:19,125
Stan: You sure about this?
283
00:11:19,258 --> 00:11:21,128
Mr. Flesh: When that door opens,
it'll set off
284
00:11:21,262 --> 00:11:23,232
a hilarious chain of events,
culminating in
285
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,671
you learning
the true meaning of family.
286
00:11:25,738 --> 00:11:28,342
Or some stupid crap.
287
00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:29,779
[Both gasp]
288
00:11:29,946 --> 00:11:37,996
♪
289
00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:39,899
Stan: Oh, my God!
Mr. Flesh: This is not as
290
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:41,435
PG as I remembered.
291
00:11:41,536 --> 00:11:43,507
We gotta call the cops!
Or your mom.
292
00:11:43,607 --> 00:11:46,011
Stan: No. We can't.
It's like Dad said.
293
00:11:46,111 --> 00:11:48,984
The man of the house never
admits he made a mistake.
294
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,623
Mr. Flesh: But we just
Artie Lange's nosed
295
00:11:51,723 --> 00:11:54,161
this man's entire face!
296
00:11:54,294 --> 00:11:57,601
Stan: You get his feet,
I'll grab his mushy skull.
297
00:11:57,735 --> 00:11:59,304
[Doorbell rings]
298
00:11:59,404 --> 00:12:02,377
Pentos: Marvin, my number one
and only client!
299
00:12:02,444 --> 00:12:05,951
I hope you don't mind.
I put a sign in your yard.
300
00:12:07,822 --> 00:12:09,925
Summers: Oh, cute place.
I see your carpet
301
00:12:10,059 --> 00:12:14,068
isn't a cartoon map of a little
city you can drive toy cars on.
302
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,105
I guess if that's
how you want to live.
303
00:12:16,172 --> 00:12:18,977
Martinez: Clean floors,
matching furniture.
304
00:12:19,044 --> 00:12:21,115
There's definitely
a woman behind this.
305
00:12:21,181 --> 00:12:23,119
Flute: Are you wearing
a princess outfit?
306
00:12:23,186 --> 00:12:25,624
Martinez: They don't make
sexy cocktail dresses
307
00:12:25,691 --> 00:12:27,895
in a kids 7, nor should they.
308
00:12:27,995 --> 00:12:31,202
Wynona: 1950s music?!
Great. I lost my bet.
309
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,038
I woulda blown it
on crypto anyways.
310
00:12:33,205 --> 00:12:35,210
Kang: Better luck
next time, losers.
311
00:12:35,310 --> 00:12:38,049
Daddy's getting a new pair of
sensible shoes.
312
00:12:38,116 --> 00:12:40,554
Flute: You bet against me?
Never bet against the house.
313
00:12:40,621 --> 00:12:44,027
And by the house I mean me
because I did all this...
314
00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:47,166
and not the house.
315
00:12:49,806 --> 00:12:52,511
Kang: I've been here before.
316
00:12:52,611 --> 00:12:54,280
Doris: Your friends
seem so nice.
317
00:12:54,347 --> 00:12:56,051
When are you
going to introduce me?
318
00:12:56,152 --> 00:12:57,722
Flute: That's a sad group
out there.
319
00:12:57,822 --> 00:12:59,959
We shouldn't rub our
relationship in their faces.
320
00:13:00,059 --> 00:13:01,530
Let's take it slow
and just rub in
321
00:13:01,663 --> 00:13:03,934
how well I'm
doing on my own first.
322
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,070
Especially to Harmony.
323
00:13:05,170 --> 00:13:06,940
Doris: Your ex-wife is coming?
324
00:13:07,074 --> 00:13:08,510
Flute: Of course.
The whole point of divorce
325
00:13:08,610 --> 00:13:10,280
is to spend the rest
of your life trying to hurt
326
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:11,583
the person you once publicly
327
00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:12,751
declared your love for.
328
00:13:12,818 --> 00:13:15,256
[Doorbell rings]
That must be her.
329
00:13:15,357 --> 00:13:20,901
♪
330
00:13:21,703 --> 00:13:23,105
Thanks for dressing up
for dinner.
331
00:13:23,239 --> 00:13:24,809
Harmony:
Dinner? I rented a U-Haul.
332
00:13:24,943 --> 00:13:25,944
I thought the invite was for me
333
00:13:26,011 --> 00:13:27,247
to help you move back in.
334
00:13:27,314 --> 00:13:29,317
Wow, this place is
magazine nice.
335
00:13:29,384 --> 00:13:31,657
Flute: Where's your kid?
Harmony: I left him home alone.
336
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:34,327
He's fine.
He's the man of the house now.
337
00:13:36,265 --> 00:13:38,202
Mr. Flesh: Stan Marino,
I'm starting to think
338
00:13:38,269 --> 00:13:40,774
this might qualify
as a mistake.
339
00:13:40,874 --> 00:13:42,110
Stan: Never!
We dump him in the lake.
340
00:13:42,244 --> 00:13:44,616
Avoid being seen.
Forget it happened.
341
00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:46,452
[Tires screech]
342
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:47,621
[Bottle breaks]
343
00:13:51,295 --> 00:13:54,034
Mr. Flesh: OK, now we need
to call somebody.
344
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:56,839
Stan: Man! Of! The! House!
345
00:13:56,973 --> 00:13:59,144
[Breathing heavily]
346
00:13:59,277 --> 00:14:04,021
Tonight, I'm gonna take
the deepest bath.
347
00:14:04,121 --> 00:14:05,891
[R&B music playing]
348
00:14:06,024 --> 00:14:07,394
Wynona: Maybe we were
wrong about Flute.
349
00:14:07,494 --> 00:14:09,398
Summers: He really is
doing great on his own.
350
00:14:09,532 --> 00:14:11,736
I knew I jinxed it
when I installed those
351
00:14:11,903 --> 00:14:13,205
his and his toilets.
352
00:14:13,272 --> 00:14:14,909
Flute: May I have your attention
by doing something
353
00:14:15,042 --> 00:14:16,880
people only do in movies?
[Taps on glass]
354
00:14:16,946 --> 00:14:18,148
Thank you.
I thought now
355
00:14:18,282 --> 00:14:19,819
might be a good time
for you all
356
00:14:19,919 --> 00:14:21,321
to apologize for
betting against me.
357
00:14:21,422 --> 00:14:23,025
Martinez: I can admit
when I'm wrong.
358
00:14:23,125 --> 00:14:24,662
I checked every bathroom
and couldn't find
359
00:14:24,796 --> 00:14:25,931
a single lady hair.
360
00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:28,168
Just a disturbing
amount of Flubes.
361
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,507
Flute's pubes.
I say it enough
362
00:14:30,607 --> 00:14:32,009
that it warrants
the portmanteau.
363
00:14:32,143 --> 00:14:33,680
Flute: Thank you.
Harm, you've been quiet.
364
00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:36,185
Anything you'd like to admit
you were an idiot for thinking?
365
00:14:36,285 --> 00:14:38,757
Harmony: Yeah. There's plenty of
idiotic things I could admit to.
366
00:14:38,890 --> 00:14:41,028
Subscribing to Quibi,
using scented tampons,
367
00:14:41,195 --> 00:14:43,433
buying not one but two
Ninja CREAMis.
368
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,637
Now I guess I can add
"Thinking you couldn't
369
00:14:45,737 --> 00:14:47,240
survive without me"
to that list.
370
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,411
Flute: Thank y--
Doris: Tell them about me.
371
00:14:49,477 --> 00:14:51,481
Flute: Well, this was fun.
Drive home safe.
372
00:14:51,582 --> 00:14:55,189
Martinez: Aha! I knew
there was a woman here.
Pay up, Kang!
373
00:14:55,222 --> 00:14:57,862
Doris: You're no better
than my Larry!
374
00:14:57,962 --> 00:15:01,201
Kang: Larry?
[All gasp]
375
00:15:02,538 --> 00:15:03,807
[Flute grunting]
376
00:15:03,907 --> 00:15:05,242
Martinez: Aah!
377
00:15:06,311 --> 00:15:07,948
Kang: Now I remember.
I was on
378
00:15:08,015 --> 00:15:09,384
a suicide case here years ago,
379
00:15:09,485 --> 00:15:11,488
and her husband Larry
went missing.
380
00:15:11,622 --> 00:15:14,061
Doris: That's right!
And there are about to be
381
00:15:14,194 --> 00:15:16,933
several more missing people!
[Laughs]
382
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:19,806
All: Aah!
383
00:15:19,906 --> 00:15:22,143
Man: Ow!
384
00:15:22,243 --> 00:15:24,114
Pentos: This may be
an awkward moment to ask,
385
00:15:24,248 --> 00:15:26,351
but do you have
my commission check?
386
00:15:29,592 --> 00:15:34,702
♪
387
00:15:34,836 --> 00:15:37,007
[Summers grunts]
I've tried everything.
388
00:15:37,107 --> 00:15:39,778
It's a 1950s nuclear war bunker.
We're trapped.
389
00:15:39,912 --> 00:15:42,350
Wynona: Looks like her husband
never found a way out, either.
390
00:15:42,518 --> 00:15:44,121
Martinez: And our phones
don't work.
391
00:15:44,221 --> 00:15:45,724
Now I'll never get to yell at
392
00:15:45,858 --> 00:15:47,426
my beautiful, stupid kids again.
393
00:15:47,527 --> 00:15:50,300
Summers: And I'll never get to
be roommates with Flute.
394
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,402
Except in here.
395
00:15:51,503 --> 00:15:54,508
Which means I won!
Pay up, Kang.
396
00:15:54,575 --> 00:15:56,445
Kang: Sorry, Summers,
but all bets are off.
397
00:15:56,546 --> 00:15:58,550
Unless you want to wager on
who I'll eat first,
398
00:15:58,617 --> 00:16:00,988
since I'm the only one
that can't die in here.
399
00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:02,525
Harmony: If you can't die,
then why eat us?
400
00:16:02,658 --> 00:16:04,662
Kang: Eh, gotta do something
to fill the time.
401
00:16:04,762 --> 00:16:06,633
Martinez: Oh, great.
Now the walls are bleeding.
402
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:08,503
Flute: Well, at least I know
I didn't get her pregnant.
403
00:16:08,570 --> 00:16:11,275
Martinez: This is all
Orange Frankenstein's fault
404
00:16:11,342 --> 00:16:12,812
for renting Flute this house.
405
00:16:12,878 --> 00:16:14,247
Pentos: Just for that,
you're not getting
406
00:16:14,281 --> 00:16:16,151
a computer signed
Christmas card.
407
00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:18,723
And any blame should fall
squarely on blondie
408
00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:20,393
for kicking him out
in the first place.
409
00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:22,898
Harmony: It is my fault
that I booted a man
410
00:16:23,032 --> 00:16:25,403
so vile he can even disappoint
dead women?
411
00:16:25,538 --> 00:16:27,274
Summers: Maybe if Kang
hadn't turned this into
412
00:16:27,407 --> 00:16:29,444
a money-making scheme, we
could have been more helpful.
413
00:16:29,545 --> 00:16:31,482
Kang: Can't wait to eat
your nose.
414
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,920
[All talking at once]
415
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:36,592
[Clanging]
416
00:16:36,692 --> 00:16:38,462
Flute: Look at yourselves.
You're all fighting
417
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,133
instead of trying
to get out of here.
418
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,502
Sure, I may not be an adult,
419
00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:43,439
but guess what?
Neither are any of you.
420
00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:45,143
Wynona's only friends
are corpses.
421
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,445
Summers is afraid to live alone.
422
00:16:46,513 --> 00:16:48,149
Martinez only
talks about her children
423
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:49,351
because she has
nothing else of interest,
424
00:16:49,418 --> 00:16:51,055
and Kang can't die, which is all
425
00:16:51,188 --> 00:16:52,558
any real adult thinks about.
426
00:16:52,691 --> 00:16:56,967
Sorry to vent, but--wait.
My crime mind is tingling.
427
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:59,772
[Doris giggles]
428
00:16:59,906 --> 00:17:02,744
[Funk music playing]
429
00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:06,519
Flute on screen: And awaaay
we go! Fifties reference.
430
00:17:06,619 --> 00:17:08,188
Mm.
[Doris giggles]
431
00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:10,493
Flute: Uh, excuse me. Pardon me.
Your ween is out.
432
00:17:10,594 --> 00:17:12,965
Yours, too. And yours.
Should mine be out?
433
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,334
I don't wanna get in trouble.
434
00:17:14,502 --> 00:17:16,037
Doris: Thank goodness
there's a little vent.
435
00:17:16,171 --> 00:17:19,177
Little vent.
Little vent. Little vent.
436
00:17:19,311 --> 00:17:21,549
Flute: "A little vent."
That's it!
437
00:17:22,317 --> 00:17:24,722
Wow, that is one hairy butt.
438
00:17:26,358 --> 00:17:28,463
That's it.
There's a tiny vent in here,
439
00:17:28,496 --> 00:17:30,800
and I bet Martinez
can fit through it.
440
00:17:33,906 --> 00:17:35,243
Martinez: Uhh!
441
00:17:35,376 --> 00:17:36,378
Harmony: Oh, I hope
she makes it out
442
00:17:36,478 --> 00:17:38,115
so I can see my sweet baby's
443
00:17:38,249 --> 00:17:40,352
face one more time.
444
00:17:45,129 --> 00:17:47,266
Mr. Flesh: I say this
without a hint of comedy.
445
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:50,106
What's the plan, Stan?
[Crash]
446
00:17:50,206 --> 00:17:51,976
Stan: What the crap is it now?
447
00:17:52,043 --> 00:17:53,546
Carjacker: Out of the car.
448
00:17:56,218 --> 00:17:57,988
Stan: It's all yours.
449
00:17:58,089 --> 00:18:00,493
[Bodies groaning]
450
00:18:00,561 --> 00:18:03,098
Carjacker: Oh. No thanks.
[Gun cocks]
451
00:18:03,198 --> 00:18:05,804
Stan: In the car. Now.
452
00:18:05,871 --> 00:18:07,007
[Knife clatters]
453
00:18:07,107 --> 00:18:08,509
[Engine starts]
454
00:18:09,277 --> 00:18:11,381
Carjacker: Uhh!
[Tires screech]
455
00:18:14,153 --> 00:18:15,489
Stan: No wonder
my dad moved out.
456
00:18:15,557 --> 00:18:17,828
Being the man of
the house sucks!
457
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,301
Mr. Flesh: Starting to have
more compassion for how
458
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,372
Macaulay ended up
the way he did.
459
00:18:23,506 --> 00:18:27,213
[Rumbling]
Martinez: Aah!
460
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:31,155
Doris: How dare you try
and sneak in my back door
461
00:18:31,255 --> 00:18:33,660
while I was bending over
backwards cleaning?!
462
00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:37,000
Now I'm going to pinch it shut
and none of you will ever leave.
463
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,102
Flute: No!
464
00:18:38,168 --> 00:18:40,005
Doris: I'm sick of everyone
465
00:18:40,139 --> 00:18:42,009
using and leaving me
466
00:18:42,109 --> 00:18:46,451
like I'm some seedy Airbnb.
467
00:18:46,552 --> 00:18:48,421
Flute: You're right.
That's not fairbnb.
468
00:18:48,488 --> 00:18:50,727
I was using you to make me
seem like an adult, but I'm not.
469
00:18:50,827 --> 00:18:52,463
I don't know how to clean
my own clothes.
470
00:18:52,564 --> 00:18:53,900
Whenever I draw a picture
with a sun in it,
471
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,469
it's always
in the top right corner,
472
00:18:55,570 --> 00:18:57,541
and I still pull my pants
all the way down to pee.
473
00:18:57,674 --> 00:18:59,612
But the most not adult thing
was that
474
00:18:59,745 --> 00:19:02,517
I didn't appreciate you.
475
00:19:04,054 --> 00:19:05,255
Doris: No man ever has.
476
00:19:05,322 --> 00:19:07,193
And now I'm going to be
alone again.
477
00:19:07,293 --> 00:19:09,197
I don't want to go back to that.
478
00:19:09,264 --> 00:19:10,934
That bush was so out of control.
479
00:19:11,001 --> 00:19:13,339
Flute: Release all my friends
and I'll stay in this house
480
00:19:13,439 --> 00:19:16,078
forever with you and never
step out that door again.
481
00:19:16,178 --> 00:19:18,315
Doris: You would do that for me?
482
00:19:18,482 --> 00:19:20,954
Flute: I'm your
Flutie-patootie, aren't I?
483
00:19:21,055 --> 00:19:31,776
♪
484
00:19:32,945 --> 00:19:35,049
Summers: Thanks, Flute.
My bottom bunk
485
00:19:35,183 --> 00:19:37,120
will remain untouched forever.
486
00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:39,191
Unless I want to move
down there 'cause I saw
487
00:19:39,257 --> 00:19:40,459
a spider on the ceiling.
488
00:19:40,561 --> 00:19:41,929
Pentos: I trust you'll
have the decency
489
00:19:42,096 --> 00:19:44,067
not to mention
this clusterfumble
490
00:19:44,134 --> 00:19:46,539
in my Angie's List review.
491
00:19:47,473 --> 00:19:49,210
Harmony: This is
the most adult thing
492
00:19:49,243 --> 00:19:50,647
I've ever seen you do.
493
00:19:50,781 --> 00:19:52,651
I'm sorry I threw you out
and now you have to die
494
00:19:52,751 --> 00:19:54,487
a sex slave for this
needy house.
495
00:19:54,655 --> 00:19:56,258
Flute: And I'm sorry
I didn't flush at least once
496
00:19:56,358 --> 00:19:57,861
while I lived with you.
497
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:01,902
[Engine starts]
498
00:20:05,744 --> 00:20:08,115
Well, it's just
you and me, Doris.
499
00:20:08,215 --> 00:20:09,752
Doris: I'm sorry
I ruined dinner.
500
00:20:09,886 --> 00:20:12,290
Can I make you some
Jell-O with ham chunks?
501
00:20:12,390 --> 00:20:13,727
Flute: No, I'll make dinner.
502
00:20:13,794 --> 00:20:15,530
Doris: Thank you, darling.
I'm going to go
503
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,634
blast the humidifier
in the pink room.
504
00:20:17,768 --> 00:20:20,573
It takes a little longer
than it used to.
505
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:25,750
[Beeping]
506
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:26,986
Doris: Marvin, my dear,
507
00:20:27,053 --> 00:20:28,288
do you smell gas?
508
00:20:28,388 --> 00:20:29,892
Flute: Aah!
509
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,400
Take that, dead spirit
that only wanted
510
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,038
to be loved
and to take care of someone!
511
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,242
Ha ha ha ha!
512
00:20:38,342 --> 00:20:39,878
I'm never getting
my deposit back.
513
00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:45,423
Newscaster: And finally,
in "scare you
right before bed" news,
514
00:20:45,524 --> 00:20:46,559
3 wanted fugitives were found
515
00:20:46,659 --> 00:20:48,763
barely alive in a stolen car.
516
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,465
Flute: Um, how much money
did you make
517
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:51,803
on the settlement
from your accident?
518
00:20:51,936 --> 00:20:53,540
Summers: Plenty.
Not to mention all the cash
519
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:54,775
I made from my bet with Kang
520
00:20:54,875 --> 00:20:56,044
now that you're my roomie,
521
00:20:56,178 --> 00:20:57,413
roomie. [Laughs]
522
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,482
Flute: I think
this might actually
523
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:00,018
work out really well for me.
524
00:21:00,185 --> 00:21:02,190
Summers: For us.
We're gonna work together,
525
00:21:02,323 --> 00:21:04,662
live together, eat together,
sleep together,
526
00:21:04,728 --> 00:21:06,966
dream together,
scream together, master--
527
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:08,603
Flute: Can you just give me
a lift to my bunk?
528
00:21:08,703 --> 00:21:11,776
Summers: Next stop, top bunk.
Hee hee!
529
00:21:12,544 --> 00:21:14,414
Flute: There's a spider up here.
Summers: I know.
530
00:21:14,548 --> 00:21:16,151
That's why I picked
the bottom bunk.
531
00:21:16,284 --> 00:21:17,419
Ooh, and I should warn you,
532
00:21:17,587 --> 00:21:18,990
I have a bit of
a snoring problem.
533
00:21:19,090 --> 00:21:21,495
They programmed me to snore
so I'd seem more lifelike,
534
00:21:21,596 --> 00:21:24,935
and it can't be stopped.
G'night!
535
00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:27,039
[Snoring]
536
00:21:28,809 --> 00:21:30,914
[Dog barking]
537
00:21:34,622 --> 00:21:36,792
Person: Bento.
[Crowd cheering]
40509
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