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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,673
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,750 --> 00:00:11,493
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,496
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:17,832
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,910 --> 00:00:21,353
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,855
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,931 --> 00:00:24,189
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:29,987
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:36,869
Good morning. I've
come down to this floor
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00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,428
because corporate
has figured out
12
00:00:38,430 --> 00:00:41,448
giving tours of the brewery.
13
00:00:41,525 --> 00:00:43,375
And Peter, I've chosen
you for the job.
14
00:00:43,452 --> 00:00:44,785
That's great!
15
00:00:44,937 --> 00:00:47,129
Let me just call my old boss
and tell him to shove it.
16
00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:50,883
- Hello?
- Mr. Lloyd?
17
00:00:50,959 --> 00:00:53,126
This is Peter Griffin. I quit.
18
00:00:53,203 --> 00:00:54,795
And I never sent in my pledge
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00:00:54,871 --> 00:00:57,281
for your niece's "Stand
Up to Cancer" 5K.
20
00:00:57,283 --> 00:00:59,633
Hey, how's your niece, by
the way, she doing all right?
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00:00:59,709 --> 00:01:01,285
- Very sick.
- Ah, terrific.
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00:01:01,287 --> 00:01:02,803
Well, it was an
honor just to help.
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00:01:02,879 --> 00:01:05,397
Now, here's everything you'll
need to be a tour guide...
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00:01:05,474 --> 00:01:07,916
a blazer five people
hung themselves in,
25
00:01:07,993 --> 00:01:09,050
khakis that look dirty
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00:01:09,128 --> 00:01:10,811
no matter how many
times you wash them,
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00:01:10,887 --> 00:01:12,979
and a wet, brown
banana for lunch.
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00:01:12,981 --> 00:01:15,074
Awesome. I love telling
people where to go,
29
00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:18,035
like when I cased that
McDonald's for The Hamburglar.
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00:01:19,638 --> 00:01:21,154
There. At 11:45,
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00:01:21,231 --> 00:01:23,398
they take the grease
traps out the back door.
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You sneak right in and take
all the hamburgers you want.
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00:01:25,978 --> 00:01:27,311
- Robble, robble.
- Hey, man,
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00:01:27,329 --> 00:01:29,215
I thought you just wanted
to score some hamburgers.
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00:01:29,239 --> 00:01:30,756
These kids don't
have to die, man.
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00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:33,317
Robble. Robble.
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00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:36,220
Okay, take it easy. Be cool.
I don't want any robble.
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00:01:38,824 --> 00:01:42,250
Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin,
and welcome to the brewery tour.
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00:01:42,328 --> 00:01:43,585
All right, quick quiz...
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00:01:43,662 --> 00:01:46,087
how many of you have
heard of beer before?
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00:01:46,165 --> 00:01:47,831
Wow, half. That's pretty good.
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00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:50,183
You can get a little
closer, gang, I don't bite.
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00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,185
- Ow!
- Too close!
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00:01:53,263 --> 00:01:55,839
And we're proud to
say that Pawtucket Ale
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00:01:55,841 --> 00:01:59,785
is responsible for 99% of
all DUIs in Rhode Island.
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Fascinating.
47
00:02:01,013 --> 00:02:02,340
Hey, shouldn't you
be doing the news?
48
00:02:02,364 --> 00:02:04,865
Oh, no, no, we're doing a
"Best of News Bloopers."
49
00:02:04,941 --> 00:02:06,125
Now, an update. Apparently,
50
00:02:06,201 --> 00:02:08,352
the "Touth Sower"
has just collapsed.
51
00:02:08,354 --> 00:02:09,870
Tou... "Touth Sower?" What?
52
00:02:09,946 --> 00:02:11,797
"Touth..." Okay,
let's go again.
53
00:02:11,874 --> 00:02:14,282
I'm Tom Tower... Holy crap.
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00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,285
And now, please enjoy a
virtual reality experience
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00:02:17,363 --> 00:02:19,363
about our founder,
Pawtucket Pat,
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00:02:19,398 --> 00:02:22,057
in these headsets that
are definitely clean.
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00:02:24,386 --> 00:02:26,887
Hi, I'm Casey Affleck,
aka Pawtucket Pat.
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00:02:26,963 --> 00:02:28,463
I signed a contract to do this,
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00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:29,775
then learned it
filmed the same day
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00:02:29,799 --> 00:02:30,965
as Ben and J. Lo's wedding.
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00:02:31,043 --> 00:02:33,059
Yet another great
decision by ol' Case.
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00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:34,544
You'll cut that, right?
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00:02:34,546 --> 00:02:38,657
Pawtucket Pat came to
America from England in 1771,
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00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:39,900
looking for a better life.
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00:02:39,976 --> 00:02:41,718
The seas were very rough.
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00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:42,995
Pretty realistic, right?
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00:02:46,074 --> 00:02:47,724
When Pat finally
reached the shore,
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00:02:47,726 --> 00:02:49,984
the natives welcomed him
with a flurry of arrows
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00:02:50,062 --> 00:02:51,712
to his colonial penis.
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00:02:53,732 --> 00:02:56,066
Dear God, why's we
experiencing this?
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00:02:56,068 --> 00:02:57,659
Please save your
questions for the end.
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00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:02,014
In 1776, Pat refused to sign
the Declaration of Independence,
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00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:04,382
saying the only thing we
need independence from
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00:03:04,459 --> 00:03:05,851
is wives who won't let us drink.
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00:03:05,928 --> 00:03:09,170
He left Philadelphia, uttering
several anti-Italian slurs
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00:03:09,248 --> 00:03:11,339
on his way out of town,
all of which are true.
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00:03:11,417 --> 00:03:13,537
Unfortunately, he didn't
realize Philadelphia is built
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00:03:13,585 --> 00:03:15,861
on a platform 9,000
feet in the air.
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00:03:18,424 --> 00:03:20,199
Just take off your headsets.
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00:03:21,927 --> 00:03:23,702
The fall
proved to be fatal.
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00:03:23,779 --> 00:03:25,573
Oh, yeah, and right
before Pawtucket Pat died,
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00:03:25,597 --> 00:03:26,930
he pooped his pants.
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00:03:26,932 --> 00:03:29,249
We have pants available
in the gift shop.
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00:03:33,105 --> 00:03:36,957
Okay, so now how many of
you know what beer is?
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00:03:37,033 --> 00:03:38,550
So we did learn. Great.
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00:03:38,627 --> 00:03:41,720
Okay, before we wrap it
up, any questions? Yes?
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00:03:41,797 --> 00:03:44,706
How come Jeff Bezos wears
that big, weird cowboy hat
88
00:03:44,783 --> 00:03:46,283
when he rides his spaceship?
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00:03:46,285 --> 00:03:48,209
I-I don't... I don't know, Joe.
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00:03:48,287 --> 00:03:50,971
Well, that's the tour,
folks. Please either tip me
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00:03:51,047 --> 00:03:53,457
or shamefully avoid eye
contact on the way out.
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00:03:53,459 --> 00:03:54,716
Coward.
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00:03:54,793 --> 00:03:56,551
Coward. Coward.
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00:03:56,628 --> 00:03:57,552
Coward.
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00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:58,886
Friggin' cheapskate.
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00:03:58,888 --> 00:04:00,239
Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.
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00:04:00,315 --> 00:04:02,890
There's a VIP who wants
a tour of the brewery,
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00:04:02,968 --> 00:04:04,985
and it's a bit of
a sensitive matter.
99
00:04:05,061 --> 00:04:07,304
- It's Brett Kavanaugh.
- Brett Ratner?
100
00:04:07,306 --> 00:04:10,231
- No. That's Brett Ratner.
- Brett Favre?
101
00:04:10,309 --> 00:04:12,158
No. That's a different
scumbag Brett.
102
00:04:12,235 --> 00:04:14,311
I'm talking about the
Supreme Court Justice.
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00:04:14,313 --> 00:04:16,997
He'd like to take the tour,
and I don't want a spectacle.
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00:04:17,073 --> 00:04:18,982
Sure. I don't got a
problem with anyone
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00:04:18,984 --> 00:04:20,311
except Jennifer
Connelly's husband.
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00:04:20,335 --> 00:04:23,428
- I love beer!
- That's him now.
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00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,249
Hello, your judgesty,
Peter Griffin.
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00:04:28,327 --> 00:04:31,603
Hey, just call me Brett.
All right, guys, skedaddle.
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00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:32,846
I'm so pumped.
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00:04:32,922 --> 00:04:34,756
I've toured every
brewery in the country
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00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:36,349
except this one. I love beer!
112
00:04:36,426 --> 00:04:37,866
Yeah, you've screamed
that twice now.
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00:04:37,927 --> 00:04:40,837
I scream it all the time.
It's kind of how I got my job.
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00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:42,781
- Me too.
- That's awesome.
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00:04:42,858 --> 00:04:44,524
Tour time. I love beer!
116
00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:47,286
Then you'll love all the
dull trivia behind it.
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00:04:47,362 --> 00:04:50,013
Peter, I don't want
some normie dork tour.
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00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:53,033
Look at us. We're
bloated kindred spirits.
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00:04:53,109 --> 00:04:54,351
We even look alike.
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00:04:54,353 --> 00:04:56,444
We're in love with the
same mistress, Peter.
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00:04:56,522 --> 00:04:58,279
And you know
everything about her...
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00:04:58,281 --> 00:05:01,133
her moods, her little
whims, her musk.
123
00:05:01,209 --> 00:05:03,135
Show me her world, Peter.
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00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:06,013
Show me your... beer.
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00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,976
Double keg stand. Are
there any chicks watching?
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00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,203
No. Even better, just guys.
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00:05:13,205 --> 00:05:14,554
One thing I do know...
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00:05:14,631 --> 00:05:17,649
beer can only be drunk in
an upright body position.
129
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,986
Uh, Keith? I'm gonna ask you
to turn around for a sec,
130
00:05:21,063 --> 00:05:23,563
and... you're
gonna feel pretty silly.
131
00:05:27,569 --> 00:05:31,496
Yes. We got to experience
what it's like to be beer.
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00:05:31,573 --> 00:05:33,557
And we drank our
own pee in the can.
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00:05:33,559 --> 00:05:35,559
- No, we didn't.
- Right. No, yeah, right.
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00:05:35,561 --> 00:05:38,912
Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool
for a Supreme Court justice.
135
00:05:38,988 --> 00:05:41,340
That's all I want people to say.
136
00:05:43,735 --> 00:05:45,344
Last one in's a rotten egg!
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00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:48,221
I will not be a rotten egg.
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00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:53,685
Bro, let's see who can get
the reddest the fastest.
139
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:03,570
I'm very drunk, Peter.
There are a lot of yous.
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00:06:07,016 --> 00:06:08,592
I see a lot of yous.
141
00:06:08,594 --> 00:06:11,778
- Synchronized swimming?
- You know it.
142
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,078
All people want to
do is scream at me
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00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,657
in steakhouses about
women's bodies.
144
00:07:13,659 --> 00:07:15,325
Yeah. My wife hates you,
145
00:07:15,327 --> 00:07:17,602
which kind of makes
me secretly like you.
146
00:07:20,423 --> 00:07:22,757
Hey, Brett? Do you
think that we'll still
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00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:26,027
- be friends at college?
- I don't know, man.
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00:07:33,528 --> 00:07:36,288
Oh, my God, we were
super drunk last night.
149
00:07:36,364 --> 00:07:39,032
Did I accidentally
kill Brett Kavanaugh?
150
00:07:39,108 --> 00:07:42,276
"Dear Peter, why did you
accidentally kill me?
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00:07:42,354 --> 00:07:44,779
"Just kidding. I don't
want my life anymore.
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00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:48,115
"You take it. Brett. "PS,
this is the first time
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00:07:48,193 --> 00:07:50,117
"I've ever put clothes on anyone
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00:07:50,195 --> 00:07:52,620
without their
consent. Ha, ha, ha."
155
00:07:52,698 --> 00:07:54,598
Justice Kavanaugh?
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00:07:57,627 --> 00:07:58,960
It's him.
157
00:07:59,037 --> 00:08:00,795
Did you guys see that
chick in accounting?
158
00:08:00,872 --> 00:08:04,149
Boy, I'd like to hustle her up
some stairs against her will.
159
00:08:04,226 --> 00:08:06,186
- It's really him.
- All right, let's get him back
160
00:08:06,211 --> 00:08:08,545
to the Supreme Court of the
United States of America,
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00:08:08,547 --> 00:08:10,380
where he serves a
lifetime appointment
162
00:08:10,382 --> 00:08:12,882
as one of only nine
Senate-confirmed justices.
163
00:08:12,884 --> 00:08:15,142
It's so cool that a guy
named Brett gets to decide
164
00:08:15,220 --> 00:08:16,536
if women can have abortions.
165
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:27,897
So, anyone watch anything
interesting last night?
166
00:08:27,899 --> 00:08:30,324
Okay, I'm
finally gonna say something.
167
00:08:30,418 --> 00:08:32,569
Or would it be weird,
after being here 30 years,
168
00:08:32,571 --> 00:08:35,162
if the first thing I say
is, "I like Shark Tank"?
169
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,090
You can do this,
Clarence. Here goes.
170
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:41,761
There he is. Hey, Kavanaugh.
171
00:08:41,763 --> 00:08:43,043
Sorry I'm late.
The steps outside
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00:08:43,098 --> 00:08:44,581
are perfect for a slinky.
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00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:47,508
Ah, I love your
refreshing honesty, Brett.
174
00:08:47,586 --> 00:08:49,176
Dears, can I get
a cup of coffee?
175
00:08:49,254 --> 00:08:52,030
Brett, we're Justices
Sotomayor and Barrett.
176
00:08:52,107 --> 00:08:53,198
Right, sorry.
177
00:08:53,275 --> 00:08:54,424
Hon, coffee?
178
00:08:54,426 --> 00:08:56,442
No, I'm Justice
Ketanji Brown Jackson.
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00:08:56,519 --> 00:08:58,519
Yes, and I will definitely
remember your name
180
00:08:58,597 --> 00:09:01,188
and not butcher it
relentlessly going forward.
181
00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:02,932
- Toots, coffee?
- Stick it, Brett.
182
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:06,119
I'm Justice Elena
Kagan. Ha-cha-cha.
183
00:09:06,195 --> 00:09:09,789
Okay, ready for our
morning introduction?
184
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,614
Gathered together
from Harvard and Yale...
185
00:09:17,616 --> 00:09:19,558
except the last lady
Trump appointed...
186
00:09:19,634 --> 00:09:23,478
are the most boring forces
of good ever assembled.
187
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,028
John Roberts.
188
00:09:36,392 --> 00:09:39,119
Clarence Thomas
and Samuel Alito.
189
00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:48,086
Elena Kagan.
190
00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:50,997
Ah.
191
00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:52,982
Get a visible car, bitch.
192
00:09:52,984 --> 00:09:56,744
Sonya Sotomayor
is Aquaman in this, I guess.
193
00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:59,931
And the Wonder Twins,
Barrett and Brown Jackson.
194
00:10:00,008 --> 00:10:01,600
We hate each other, though.
195
00:10:01,676 --> 00:10:03,751
With their
space monkey, Kavanaugh.
196
00:10:03,753 --> 00:10:05,920
It's me, Peter.
197
00:10:05,997 --> 00:10:07,088
Ah.
198
00:10:07,165 --> 00:10:08,605
They're
trying not to die
199
00:10:08,667 --> 00:10:11,017
until someone from
their party is presiden.
200
00:10:11,094 --> 00:10:14,112
These are the Supreme Friends.
201
00:10:15,431 --> 00:10:17,357
All right, let's pick a case.
202
00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:20,452
We've got a bakery that won't
bake a cake for a gay wedding,
203
00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:23,363
a bakery that won't bake a
cake for a trans anniversary,
204
00:10:23,439 --> 00:10:26,349
a bakery that won't bake a
cake for a dog's birthday...
205
00:10:26,351 --> 00:10:28,776
Is it just all people
mad about cakes?
206
00:10:28,854 --> 00:10:30,277
It's mostly cakes, yes.
207
00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:31,963
Although there is this case,
208
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,615
Hometown Buffet
v. Peter Griffin.
209
00:10:34,693 --> 00:10:37,952
If the steaming hot dog
water is on the buffet table,
210
00:10:38,029 --> 00:10:39,679
it is part of the buffet.
211
00:10:42,792 --> 00:10:44,309
What'll it be, fellas?
212
00:10:44,386 --> 00:10:47,220
- Three beers.
- Sorry, can't. We're all out.
213
00:10:47,296 --> 00:10:49,038
What? How is that possible?
214
00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:51,232
"The Kav" drank it all.
215
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,044
Ugh. Brett Kavanaugh.
216
00:10:55,046 --> 00:10:57,572
- I hate that guy.
- Me too.
217
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,826
'Sup, I'm the Kav.
Mind if I sit down?
218
00:11:01,945 --> 00:11:04,737
- Kind of.
- Come on, I know my reputation,
219
00:11:04,814 --> 00:11:06,247
but can't we have one beer?
220
00:11:07,483 --> 00:11:09,668
Fine. One beer.
221
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,506
- You guys play golf?
- Occasionally.
222
00:11:14,582 --> 00:11:16,043
You ever hit the ball
and it doesn't go
223
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:17,583
where you thought it would?
224
00:11:17,660 --> 00:11:19,085
Sometimes.
225
00:11:19,162 --> 00:11:21,162
You ever putt and it
just, like, misses?
226
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,406
Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.
227
00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:25,183
You ever get stuck
in a sand trap
228
00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:27,185
and you can't stop
crying 'cause deep down
229
00:11:27,262 --> 00:11:29,020
you know your dad hates you?
230
00:11:29,097 --> 00:11:31,414
Brett Kavanaugh,
you're all right.
231
00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:33,340
Guys, we got to party together.
232
00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:35,676
This weekend? Squee's
mom's beach house?
233
00:11:35,754 --> 00:11:37,344
- Sounds epic.
- Party at the shore.
234
00:11:37,422 --> 00:11:39,847
What's the stair
situation there?
235
00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:41,366
There's a flight of
stairs to get in.
236
00:11:41,443 --> 00:11:44,518
Okay, we should probably
Airbnb another place.
237
00:11:44,596 --> 00:11:46,187
- Still in.
- 100% in.
238
00:11:46,264 --> 00:11:49,040
Well, we can figure that
out later as a group.
239
00:11:51,953 --> 00:11:53,360
Therefore, in order to qualify
240
00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:57,774
for a hardship exemption
under Section 7545-09BI...
241
00:11:57,776 --> 00:12:01,094
Guys, I think I have a way to
make this more interesting.
242
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:06,950
- With regard to the claim of forum non conveniens...
- Boo!
243
00:12:06,952 --> 00:12:08,393
We're not turning for that.
244
00:12:11,122 --> 00:12:13,380
♪ Tastes like strawberries ♪
245
00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:16,109
♪ On a summer evening ♪
246
00:12:17,295 --> 00:12:20,405
♪ And it sounds
just like a song ♪
247
00:12:20,482 --> 00:12:23,466
♪ I want more berries ♪
248
00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:26,819
♪ And that summer feeling ♪
249
00:12:26,896 --> 00:12:30,323
♪ It's so wonderful and warm ♪
250
00:12:30,399 --> 00:12:33,084
♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪
251
00:12:33,161 --> 00:12:35,587
♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪
252
00:12:35,663 --> 00:12:37,997
♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪
253
00:12:38,074 --> 00:12:40,984
♪ Watermelon sugar high. ♪
254
00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,835
That was a great
idea, everybody.
255
00:12:42,912 --> 00:12:44,078
Let's take lunch.
256
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,747
Hey, how about today
we eat at the Mall?
257
00:12:46,825 --> 00:12:48,324
Okay, Clarence,
258
00:12:48,326 --> 00:12:50,062
there's never gonna be
a better setup to make
259
00:12:50,086 --> 00:12:52,345
your "Supreme Food
Court" joke. Here goes.
260
00:12:52,421 --> 00:12:53,938
Hey, if we're going to the Mall,
261
00:12:54,015 --> 00:12:56,866
how about we eat at
the Supreme Food Court?
262
00:12:59,095 --> 00:13:01,354
It's like
he heard my thought.
263
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:04,098
That's right,
Clarence. I can hear thoughts.
264
00:13:04,175 --> 00:13:06,359
But it only works on
white-haired black guys.
265
00:13:06,435 --> 00:13:08,027
Do you want to know
how Danny Glover
266
00:13:08,104 --> 00:13:10,371
really felt about Mel Gibson?
267
00:13:18,857 --> 00:13:20,897
- Lois, what's going on with...
- My hair? My beard?
268
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,860
Because you took a lifetime
appointment in Washington,
269
00:13:23,862 --> 00:13:25,303
I'm doing everything.
270
00:13:25,380 --> 00:13:28,364
Sorry I haven't had a
second to wax and dye mysel.
271
00:13:28,366 --> 00:13:30,366
Well, that'll make
him want to come back.
272
00:13:30,368 --> 00:13:32,310
Lois, this is the first
time in our marriage
273
00:13:32,387 --> 00:13:33,978
I've ever done anything for me.
274
00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:36,556
What?! I've let
yu drink with your friends
275
00:13:36,632 --> 00:13:39,392
at a bar every night
for the last 22 years.
276
00:13:39,468 --> 00:13:42,320
Oh, I just knew you'd hold
that against me at some point.
277
00:13:42,397 --> 00:13:44,047
You know, Peter, if
you took it seriously,
278
00:13:44,049 --> 00:13:46,974
being on the Supreme Court is
actually a huge opportunity.
279
00:13:47,052 --> 00:13:48,384
Hmm. How so?
280
00:13:48,386 --> 00:13:49,994
The New York Times is reporting
281
00:13:50,071 --> 00:13:51,554
that tomorrow the
court is hearing a case
282
00:13:51,556 --> 00:13:53,723
- to repeal gay marriage.
- They are?
283
00:13:53,725 --> 00:13:55,908
You could potentially
help save the families
284
00:13:55,985 --> 00:13:57,727
of millions of gay Americans.
285
00:13:57,729 --> 00:13:59,078
You know, Brian's right, Peter.
286
00:13:59,155 --> 00:14:00,746
I am tired of your shenanigans,
287
00:14:00,823 --> 00:14:03,749
but this... this is a
chance to do some real good.
288
00:14:03,826 --> 00:14:06,919
Peter, would you stop playing
with filters and listen to me?
289
00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:08,495
Okay, I've taken my filters off.
290
00:14:08,573 --> 00:14:11,257
- Peter...
- What? I've just been drinking a lot of water.
291
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:14,501
Do you, uh... do you
have an OnlyFans?
292
00:14:14,579 --> 00:14:18,064
I just sent you a DM. My
wish list is in my bio.
293
00:14:20,752 --> 00:14:23,344
All right, Brett, we're
deadlocked four to four.
294
00:14:23,421 --> 00:14:25,846
Are you going to vote to
repeal gay marriage or not?
295
00:14:25,924 --> 00:14:28,257
Okay, so "yes" means
no gay marriage?
296
00:14:28,259 --> 00:14:30,851
- Yes.
- And "no" means yes gay marriage?
297
00:14:30,929 --> 00:14:34,521
- Yes.
- Do you mean "yes" as in "no" or "no" as in "yes"?
298
00:14:34,599 --> 00:14:36,766
God, Kavanaugh, you're
like a dog with a bone
299
00:14:36,768 --> 00:14:38,359
with this "no means yes" stuff.
300
00:14:38,436 --> 00:14:40,770
Gay marriage... what
is your decision?
301
00:14:40,772 --> 00:14:42,046
Well, Alito's right,
302
00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:44,457
the Constitution says nothing
to protect gay marriage.
303
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:47,276
Yes! Fetuses will be so
psyched to hear that.
304
00:14:47,278 --> 00:14:49,888
But also, all people
are equal under the law,
305
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:52,448
which is why we must not
only ban gay marriage,
306
00:14:52,450 --> 00:14:54,392
we have to ban
straight marriage.
307
00:14:54,469 --> 00:14:57,378
Then let's do it! I
hate my crazy wife!
308
00:14:58,881 --> 00:15:00,640
I did it. I spoke.
309
00:15:00,716 --> 00:15:03,026
Clarence,
you forgot your lunch.
310
00:15:04,129 --> 00:15:05,445
Thanks, baby.
311
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,890
Ugh. It sucks that
this is the only hat
312
00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:11,576
to overthrow democracy in.
313
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,084
This is absurd. We
can't ban all marriage.
314
00:15:20,236 --> 00:15:23,312
The whole point of not being
gay is to get extra stuff.
315
00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:25,590
Sam, say I invite you
out for a beer right now.
316
00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:27,817
Could you do it or
would you have to ask?
317
00:15:27,819 --> 00:15:28,985
I'd have to ask.
318
00:15:28,987 --> 00:15:30,577
Ask to have a beer?
319
00:15:30,655 --> 00:15:32,004
How is that freedom?
320
00:15:32,081 --> 00:15:33,264
You know what freedom is?
321
00:15:33,341 --> 00:15:35,416
Imagine you can't
forget your anniversary.
322
00:15:35,493 --> 00:15:37,860
Imagine it's illegal
to have in-laws.
323
00:15:37,862 --> 00:15:41,797
Imagine a whole bathroom sink
with just a toothbrush on it.
324
00:15:41,799 --> 00:15:43,166
This sounds sexist.
325
00:15:43,168 --> 00:15:45,092
Imagine a bar of
soap in the shower
326
00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:47,094
- with no pubes on it.
- Touché.
327
00:15:47,096 --> 00:15:49,005
You know, this
would stop everyone
328
00:15:49,007 --> 00:15:51,449
from asking, "How come
she's not married?"
329
00:15:51,526 --> 00:15:53,767
I just need one
more vote. Roberts?
330
00:15:53,845 --> 00:15:55,286
I don't know.
331
00:15:55,363 --> 00:15:57,771
No more wedding cakes
means no more lawsuits.
332
00:15:57,849 --> 00:15:59,123
We'd be done by 11:00 every day
333
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,184
- the rest of our lives.
- In.
334
00:16:01,186 --> 00:16:03,703
We did it, guys. We changed
the way everything works
335
00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:05,188
without asking anyone,
336
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,356
just like America wants.
337
00:16:13,881 --> 00:16:15,381
You got to love
small beach towns
338
00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:17,475
with no economic opportunities.
339
00:16:17,552 --> 00:16:20,386
They should have a wet
undies contest for guys.
340
00:16:20,463 --> 00:16:22,814
- Shut up, Joe.
- Men should not say "undies."
341
00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:24,557
And the winner of $18
342
00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:27,877
and a free base-level
car wash is...
343
00:16:27,879 --> 00:16:29,821
Diana DiGuacamo!
344
00:16:29,897 --> 00:16:31,972
What? That's insane!
345
00:16:31,974 --> 00:16:34,383
Whoa, Kav.
346
00:16:34,385 --> 00:16:36,552
What the hell? Amber
should have won.
347
00:16:36,554 --> 00:16:39,222
Why are you so mad? Diana
had the nicest bazongas.
348
00:16:39,224 --> 00:16:41,148
Look at the banner, Glenn.
349
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,817
It's not a nicest
bazongas contest,
350
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:45,837
it's a wet T-shirt contest.
351
00:16:45,913 --> 00:16:48,397
And Amber's shirt
was the wettest.
352
00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:50,824
But, Brett, surely
the spirit of the tilt
353
00:16:50,902 --> 00:16:53,069
is to reward the
most comely bosom.
354
00:16:53,071 --> 00:16:55,071
Then why have T-shirts at all?
355
00:16:55,073 --> 00:16:56,589
Why not just hand the trophy
356
00:16:56,741 --> 00:16:59,166
to the woman with the
biggest milk monsters?
357
00:16:59,244 --> 00:17:01,244
Kav, you're spitting
little pieces of barf
358
00:17:01,246 --> 00:17:02,669
absolutely everywhere.
359
00:17:02,747 --> 00:17:05,672
Wet T-shirt contests have rules.
360
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:08,251
That's all that separates
us from animals.
361
00:17:08,253 --> 00:17:10,194
Sir, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.
362
00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:13,013
I just need to make a
brief, passionate speech.
363
00:17:13,091 --> 00:17:14,423
Okay, I'll come back.
364
00:17:14,425 --> 00:17:17,869
I like rules. And I like beer.
365
00:17:17,945 --> 00:17:19,945
And I used to think
I had to choose
366
00:17:20,022 --> 00:17:22,356
between making
arbitrary regulations
367
00:17:22,433 --> 00:17:24,876
that govern every aspect
of everyone's life
368
00:17:24,952 --> 00:17:27,953
and getting blackout drunk 24/7,
369
00:17:28,030 --> 00:17:29,380
but I don't have to choose.
370
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,217
I can do both. I can do both!
371
00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:35,294
Uh, Brett, you're
peeing on yourself.
372
00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:37,388
Guys, I got to get back to D.C.
373
00:17:37,465 --> 00:17:39,448
But first, let's
write down everything
374
00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,893
in our calendars that
happened the last three days.
375
00:17:41,969 --> 00:17:44,120
- Why?
- So 30 years from now
376
00:17:44,122 --> 00:17:45,788
we can prove we
didn't rape anyone.
377
00:17:45,790 --> 00:17:47,123
Wait, how would an old,
378
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:49,550
handwritten calendar
prove anything?
379
00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:51,627
Trust me, it's enough.
380
00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:53,387
Adios, bros.
381
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,740
That guy was a little
creepy, even for me.
382
00:17:59,654 --> 00:18:02,138
Thanks for coming to
D.C. to help me, Brian.
383
00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:03,989
Of course. I can't
believe they chose you
384
00:18:04,066 --> 00:18:05,808
to write a Supreme
Court opinion.
385
00:18:05,810 --> 00:18:07,143
They must really trust you.
386
00:18:07,161 --> 00:18:09,328
Actually, I was just the
last judge to say "not it."
387
00:18:09,405 --> 00:18:12,072
Gorsuch said "not it infinity"
at the beginning of the day,
388
00:18:12,150 --> 00:18:14,092
- so he was immune.
- What can I do to help?
389
00:18:14,168 --> 00:18:16,319
Can you send Lauren
Boebert a "You up?" text?
390
00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:18,346
She's already blocked my number.
391
00:18:22,084 --> 00:18:24,310
Sir, I've written my opinion.
392
00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:29,273
- Is this a joke?
- No.
393
00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:31,684
Even though Tom Cruise
smiles all the time,
394
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,427
he is incapable of joking, sir.
395
00:18:33,504 --> 00:18:35,613
Kavanaugh, I've had it with you.
396
00:18:35,690 --> 00:18:37,189
You're constantly late, drunk,
397
00:18:37,342 --> 00:18:39,784
and somehow don't even
know the basics of the law.
398
00:18:39,861 --> 00:18:41,285
I've never done this before,
399
00:18:41,362 --> 00:18:44,530
nor do I have the authority
to do so, but you're fired.
400
00:18:44,607 --> 00:18:47,016
That's not Brett Kavanaugh!
401
00:18:47,018 --> 00:18:49,185
I am.
402
00:18:49,187 --> 00:18:50,777
And I can prove it.
403
00:18:50,855 --> 00:18:52,188
No, that's okay.
404
00:18:52,190 --> 00:18:53,631
Now that you're
both in front of me,
405
00:18:53,708 --> 00:18:55,524
it's glaringly obvious.
406
00:18:55,526 --> 00:18:57,406
We should really get seats
that face each other.
407
00:18:57,453 --> 00:18:59,971
Well, now that that
distraction's out of the way,
408
00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:02,497
let's get back to banning
only gay marriage,
409
00:19:02,533 --> 00:19:04,475
like the Founding
Fathers intended.
410
00:19:04,552 --> 00:19:06,126
Sir, you need to leave.
411
00:19:06,204 --> 00:19:07,478
I just need to say one thing.
412
00:19:07,555 --> 00:19:09,372
Sure, I'll work
around your schedule.
413
00:19:09,374 --> 00:19:11,724
Okay, so I'm not a judge,
414
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,467
but let's talk about
the Founding Fathers.
415
00:19:13,544 --> 00:19:17,213
If a guy who was five feet tall,
had a mouthful of wooden teeth,
416
00:19:17,215 --> 00:19:19,824
and pooped in a flowerpot
walked in here right now,
417
00:19:19,901 --> 00:19:22,309
would you say, "Let's
do everything he says"?
418
00:19:22,387 --> 00:19:24,662
Or, "Maybe we can think
of something better"?
419
00:19:24,739 --> 00:19:26,906
So, you really want to
stick it to gay people?
420
00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:28,574
I mean, that's kind of
421
00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:31,335
why the Federalist
Society put me here, yeah.
422
00:19:31,412 --> 00:19:33,487
Then why let gay
people sleep in,
423
00:19:33,564 --> 00:19:36,582
have their own bathrooms, and
eat every meal at a bistro?
424
00:19:36,659 --> 00:19:40,069
Why should gays get to wear
white jeans, host the Tonys
425
00:19:40,071 --> 00:19:41,904
and have endless casual sex?
426
00:19:41,906 --> 00:19:43,923
You want to take
away their freedom?
427
00:19:43,999 --> 00:19:46,142
Let them get married.
428
00:19:48,413 --> 00:19:51,096
Huh. Maybe you're
not an idiot.
429
00:19:51,173 --> 00:19:53,006
I'm not, I'm-I'm just
a visual learner.
430
00:19:53,084 --> 00:19:55,251
A toast to Peter Griffin,
431
00:19:55,253 --> 00:19:57,753
who brought some common
sense to this court.
432
00:19:57,755 --> 00:19:59,939
I didn't. Beer did.
433
00:20:00,015 --> 00:20:01,090
Thanks, booze.
434
00:20:01,092 --> 00:20:03,034
Hey, this is non-alcoholic.
435
00:20:03,185 --> 00:20:04,518
I've learned my lesson.
436
00:20:04,595 --> 00:20:06,537
I've listened,
grown and changed.
437
00:20:06,614 --> 00:20:08,164
I swear on the Bible.
438
00:20:17,199 --> 00:20:19,300
Son of a bitch
slipped me a Mickey.
439
00:20:25,132 --> 00:20:26,724
I'm proud of you, Peter.
440
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:30,152
I don't know how you did it,
but you preserved gay marriage.
441
00:20:30,154 --> 00:20:31,729
Oh, I just told them
how happy we are,
442
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,306
and how everyone deserves
that for themselves.
443
00:20:34,383 --> 00:20:37,050
- Aw.
- Well, like every political figure
444
00:20:37,128 --> 00:20:38,885
with a conflicted
conscience in movies,
445
00:20:38,963 --> 00:20:41,906
I now have to go spend a
night at the Lincoln Memorial.
446
00:20:41,983 --> 00:20:44,558
I wish I knew what
you were thinking.
447
00:20:44,635 --> 00:20:47,227
Did they invent bulletproof
theater helmets yet?
448
00:20:47,305 --> 00:20:49,247
No, we just accept that
anyone could get shot
449
00:20:49,323 --> 00:20:50,806
anywhere at any time.
450
00:20:50,808 --> 00:20:53,476
Well, as long as my
beloved Republican party
451
00:20:53,478 --> 00:20:56,754
is still upholding the
traditions of Honest Abe.
34898
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